S4 E6: How Trauma, Faith, And Boundaries Built A Woman "Unshakable" with Rossie

In this powerful episode of Unspoken: Conversations with Candace, certified life coach and author Rossie Manka shares her journey from surviving abuse, gang involvement, and generational cycles of pain to becoming a resilient mentor, STEM advocate, and soon-to-be published author.

Rosie opens up about:

• Her early life challenges, including abuse, running away, and navigating male-dominated industries.
• The turning points that led her toward faith, healing, and personal growth.
• Her mission to empower women—especially Latinas—to pursue careers in STEM.
• The importance of self-care, setting boundaries, and learning to truly love yourself.

This heartfelt conversation is filled with courage, inspiration, and practical insights for anyone ready to rise above their circumstances and step into their purpose.

⏱ Timestamps
 00:00 – Welcome & Introduction to Rossie Manka
 03:10 – How Rossie Found Her Path into STEM & Civil Engineering
 09:45 – Overcoming Abuse, Gang Involvement & Early Trauma
 18:20 – Healing Through Faith & The Power of Community
 25:05 – Boundaries, Self-Love & Overcoming Insecurity
 33:12 – Generational Cycles, Forgiveness & Letting Go
 40:45 – Writing The Power of Yes & A Woman Unshakable
 47:30 – Collaboration, Advocacy & Survivor Support Events
 54:22 – Candace’s Reflections on Family & Full Circle Blessings
 59:10 – Final Thoughts: Hope, Healing & Moving Forward

No matter where you are in your journey, Rossie’s story is a powerful reminder that healing is possible, faith can restore hope, and your voice can inspire change. If this conversation moves you, share it with someone who needs encouragement, and don’t forget to subscribe for more stories of resilience, empowerment, and unspoken truths.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Welcome to Unspoken Conversations with Candace, where we talk openly about taboo topics in order to spark difficult and uncomfortable conversations, where we allow a safe place for anyone who has had trauma to be heard. Unspoken Conversations with Candace is about speaking your truth by using your voice because you matter. Welcome everyone to another episode of Unspoken Conversations with Candace. I am so honored, humbled. I have the joy of introducing my next guest on today's episode. I have Rosie in my studio. And you know what I forgot to? I want to make sure I don't pronounce your last name incorrectly. So Rosie, is it Manca?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

So it's Rossi Manka.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Rossi Manka.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Otherwise, it's Rossi Manka. Rossi Manca. Okay. Like Martini and Rossi, the wine. Where are you going?

STEM Path And CAD Beginnings

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Hey, Rossi. Oh, snap. Okay. And so I get to introduce you as a certified coach through the Few Institute of Certified Coaches and the founder and owner of her own business called Journey to Alignment Coaching Services. She is a personal spirit-led mentor and a professional development life coach who also specializes in technology services. She is passionate about her community where she serves on different levels of social services and education. Additionally, she is a former civil engineering aide and a CAD technician. Now, what is CAD? It's computer aided drafting. Got it. See, I should have done my homework. That's okay. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

It's drafting and design. So back in the day, they used to actually stencil everything and design it with paper and pen, okay, or paper and pencil. Now it's all digital.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Perfect. So CAD technician. That's awesome. With experience in both the public and private sector. Now living a life of entrepreneurship and becoming the newest co-author of few publications in the book titled The Power of Yes, launching in 2024. How exciting is that? And in the midst of writing her own book, A Woman Unshakable. I'd say unstoppable, too. Okay. That's Candace's edition of the book, where she tells her story of how she overcame a life of reckless living despite going around familiar mountains time and time again. She is an overcomer of guilt, shame, anger, abuse, and drugs and alcohol. Once a runaway team who was involved in local gangs to a woman who is confident and resilient on a mission to empower others in her community. Wow, bravo. Thank you for being here on my show. This is awesome. Thank you for having me so excited. Thank you so much. So, yeah, so now that I've introduced you to the listeners, just so they kind of get to know you, your background, which I think is very important, but I also like to share how we met because I think it's always about divine design, the power of connection. And when you meet people, and I believe whether it's for a season or a lifetime, right? And I believe we're gonna be a lifetime. Yeah. Because when I met you, it was an instant connection. We were both at the Few Conference that Kimberly Krueger. Shout out to Kimberly. Um and I've only called her Kimberly, but Kim Mama Kim. Um, and she had the uh few the Few Women Conference. Um and that was in November of 2022. Yes, and that was the first time I attended the event as a vendor, and then I had the VIP, and then just you know, her ministry and what she's doing. It's amazing, and just the impact that she's having. So that's how we're aligned and connected. We both go to the conference, and so now we're hungry. Yeah, and we're standing in line, getting ready to get our food, and we started talking. Right. Latinas in line, hungry because we're foodies.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

We love to eat. We love to eat. I love to eat. Yes, we love to eat those homemade flour tortillas, yes, and then we both discovered and realized like, what do you do for your profession?

SPEAKER_01 4:34

We started talking about our IT background, and then we were like, we had that in common and corporate, and sometimes you know, finding your place in corporate and the struggles of more of a male-dominated, and we just like hit it off, and I'm just so honored that we just had a conversation, and then I said, I think you'd be great on my podcast, and so here we are.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Yeah, here we are definitely awesome women in the trade in the design world.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

So tell me, yeah. So I want to learn a little bit more because like I said, you know, when we were when I was reading your bio and and I was looking at it, I'm like, I just love the fact the whole engineering, like promoting STEM. I think you and I talked about the importance of higher education and the importance of of women of color getting and taking their place in the STEM field. So tell me a little bit, how did you end up in STEM in engineering?

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Right, right. So um I went to high school at South Division High School, and you had to pick uh between four different tracks in high school. And I knew that I didn't like the healthcare because I don't like blood. So right away I'm like, yeah, healthcare is not good for me. And I wasn't very artistic either. So I'm like, okay, I really don't like the artistic world. And then it was between business and technology, and I said, Oh, I could really see myself doing technology. I was always into like making my own cumbia tapes and just using the computers at home or at school in the library. I really was gifted and talented in in using technology, so I said, I'm just gonna try this. And so I had a professor that he did coding and I loved his class. Like we did, it was more like CNC and coding. We told the computer how to cut wood and what and different things we could make from it. So I was really infatuated by that. And I said, I could really use this later in life, and I don't want to lose it. And um, then I decided um I'm gonna go to college. And I looked at local colleges, I found MATC and I looked at all their technology-driven programs, and I saw civil engineering. And I'm not gonna lie, at that point, I'm like, what is civil engineering? It looks really interesting. I I don't want to do electrical or mechanical, but civil looks very interesting. And then I researched it and it was more of the terrain, the ground, pipes, sewer pipes. So now I'm like a sewer pipe fanatic. Like you ask me about the municipal sewer.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

Don't look at my sewer pipes in this house here.

Motherhood, College, And Safety Nets

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Yeah, and like where they go and then the process, like I can talk your ear off all day about that. So I took civil engineering and I went to school. Um, at first, I was um, well, let me backtrack. I had my son, so that was a little hard because I had him at 20 years old and I was at MATC, and I knew that I wanted to continue to go to college, but now I had to take care of a baby. And during this time, um, me and um his father um were undergoing some difficulties which brought abuse. So I knew that I needed to fight for something better and to get out of the abuse, and I found I found a safe place at school at MATC. And I was able to put my son in daycare, and I was able to go to the daycare between classes and breastfeed him, which was huge because he was a baby, he was only six weeks old, and so I just I loved it. I was able to get there in the morning, drop him off, go to my engineering classes, and then on break, I would go visit him, and so that pushed me further to to finish what I set out to do, and even though I had chaos at home or chaos in my life, um, just that was my safe place. And and just seeing um the other people finishing school and working hard just kind of ignited my fire to keep going. And then my son seeing his face and then being able to have that opportunity. Um, so I'm never against government help. I think that use it so that way you can get to a higher level. Um, and I definitely used it. I was able to get free child care, which was huge for me at that time, and that actually helped me um continue to go to school and finish. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

So that's awesome. I I can relate to what you were speaking out, you know. We this is the common thread that we were having when we were talking was, you know, I was a young mother. By the time I was 19, I had two girls, you know, me and their dad were we were in a relationship, but we were dealing with my childhood trauma. I dropped the bomb on him. You read the book, so you were like, Oh my god, definitely. And you know, that's where it's like when you talked about public assistance and and aid, right? I know that I remember getting free childcare until I made like$6.50 an hour, which back in the 90s was nothing. Like you think you can live on that, you can't. But as soon as I started earning just 50 cents, a dollar more,$1.50, they like cut you off, or they say you have to pay a percentage, or now you have to pay$200 towards the allotment that they were still helping you with, right? So it's all these income qualifications. And I mean, luckily, like you find a place that embraces you. You know, my mom worked at the post office, she was my supplemental income. You know, she was the one working overtime so that she could provide me and my girls a better living, you know. And thank God M A T C, like you said, breastfeeding. Yeah, I bottle fed. So I just, you know, I didn't even understand the importance of breastfeeding. You know, my daughter's now grown. I think they're probably your age. I feel like I could be your mother. I could be mama Candace. You could be Mama Candace. She's got a Mama Kim and a mama. And it's just like because we were talking about motherhood. I was sharing how my girls are both adults now and and having families and the importance of breastfeeding. And, you know, we had a conversation recently about that and how you know I feel like I really wasn't present when they were growing up. And now as a grandmother, I'm more present. So it's like I get a redo sort of sure, sure, sure. But yeah, but the importance of you know, education, as you mentioned, the importance of, you know, you did your research. What is engineering? What can I do in the trades? And then I think you also talked about how you did project management, like you did a lot of project management, you know, and I I know that's something you and I also talked about, and how we loved managing and overseeing right things get done.

Construction Inspecting And Owning Authority

SPEAKER_00 11:00

Right, right. So I was a construction inspector. So my title was engineering aid resident inspector. So every construction project needed a project engineer and needed a resident inspector. So somebody that lived here in Milwaukee, um, and that's qualified to go out there and watch and oversee what was going on in the field. So that um went from um digging up the terrain, how many depths do we need to bury this pipe? Now, because Milwaukee is um we're like in that winter zone, pipes have to be buried at at minimum five feet below grade because of the frost. And so it's very um crucial to make sure that the contractors are definitely putting our infrastructure where they belong. Also, because it's all tax dollars, right? We pay for that. So we want to make sure that what's going in the ground, um, what's supplying um water resources or our uh our um waste is is gonna get to the place and not have these pipe breakages. Right. Um, so that's very important, and then just making sure that they're padding and bedding the pipes and cradling them. It's kind of like a baby, like you gotta cradle these things good because um you hear of these pipe breaks and these pipe bursts, and why, why not? Um Well, and you gotta have a strong foundation if you're gonna build anything on top of anything, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

And that's part of life, and that's in structure, construction.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

The foundation is definitely important. So I really liked going um to the job sites. A lot of times, um the contractors would be like, Oh, um, what school do you go to? Are you an intern? I'm like, oh no, I'm the resident inspector. Like, I'm boss.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

Actually, girl, tell me how you would introduce them yourself. Do it, say it on this podcast. It's like, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

They'd be like, Hi, I'm Rossi, I'm the resident inspector. Um, what time did you get here? Who's your crew? Do you have the plans in front of you? Where's all the materials? And so they felt a little um Rossi in the house. Yeah, Rossi in the house. Yeah, they were a little intimidated by me and stuff. And I'm and there was times where um there was contractors that didn't like me at all. Like they would talk behind my back as soon as I walked away. And I got to a comfort level where I was like, I'm okay with that. You know, not everyone's gonna like you, and that's okay. But I'm still here to do my job. I'm still here to supervise and to oversee. And um, so and also making those connections with the contractors, asking them questions, because we're both trying to get to the same place. Right. We have one goal, and that's to finish this job and do it effectively and do it the way that it's supposed to be laid out.

SPEAKER_01 13:37

And um well, kudos to you for handling that with grace because a lot of times we can well, I'm gonna say Latinas, I can get snappy. Yeah, right. Well, because our culture comes out, you know, where you know we get passionate or you know, maybe we get a little voicerous and it's like taken as aggressive, or oh yeah, you know, she don't know how to talk to someone. No, I need to be firm and stand my ground.

Confidence In Male-Dominated Spaces

SPEAKER_00 13:58

In the confidence, too. In the confidence. Like I so I um was a runaway teen and I've had I was abused and um also also sexually abused. So when it came to men, I had very low confidence, I was very insecure. And so going into these male-dominated traits taught me to have so much more confidence. Like before, I would put my head down, bury my head, and not be able to have that eye contact um without being profusely sweating or being nervous, or how are they gonna look at me? How are they gonna see me? So I felt like um God put me in those places, say, no, honey, you need to have confidence. You need to be able to stand your ground, you need to be able to look eye to eye when you speak to someone, and even those men that are that do have like those PhDs or those master's degrees that have that, um, that are older than you, that um have that experience because we're all the same. It's how do you carry yourself in the world? You have to have that confidence because we're all equal, right? And um, we can we can have that confidence. So it's important.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

And you know, with this podcast, like when I created this platform, you know, every time, you know, taboo topics. We talk about abuse, right? Sexual abuse, child abuse, you know, all of that, the things we talk about a lot of different topics. You know, anyone who's at trauma, you know, a safe place to be heard. That's why I formed this podcast to tell stories. But also, the one thing I love about that I'm learning as I do every episode is that each guest brings that light, right? To your situation and how you went, you know, you're a thriver, you're surviving, you're thriving in this world, in this life. You've taken opportunities and you've grown from them. And that's what this podcast, right? Healing, encouragement, support to tell other people listening, hey, Rossi can do it, Candace can do it, you can do it.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

You can do it.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

And and we're too Lathina's saying, get into the STEM field, take your place. Right there, it's possible. Go to MATC, go to your local colleges, you know, get a community, rally people around you. Right. And I think it takes courage for us to speak out about the abuse. Right. So let's talk a let's transition a little bit into your trauma. Sure. You know, whatever you're comfortable sharing, you know, the impact that it had. I know we talked about relationships and just that journey. And then ultimately, I know you and I connected big on our faith, which is us being at the few women conference, being there to be in our spiritual space and to be able to praise and worship. And and again, right, I always say as a disclaimer, this podcast isn't like a religious podcast, it's more of what we believe in and what we're aligned with. And I'm just that type of person, whether you believe in, you know, like my my grandson's Native American Indian, you know, he says mom, grandma, creator, yeah, you know, or the universe, or people that believe in the law of attraction. I believe it's it's kind of all connected, right? And in my mind, I have my faith. I believe in God. Like that's that's me. I believe in in God. So let's talk a little bit about that.

Breaking Silence On Childhood Abuse

Dating, Self-Worth, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Yeah. So um I have I come from a line of um alcohol uh drinkers in my family. Um, actually, my aunt, she passed away at 40 years old from alcoholism. So that um that touches our heart deeply. And um, a few other people in our family still struggle with that. And um, my grandma was in prison for 10 years. So she went to prison when my mother was four. Wow. And so my mother didn't have a father, and she grew up basically as an orphan. She didn't have a mother or father for those years of her life. And then when grandma did come out of prison 10 years later, she didn't know her anymore. And she had built to these boundaries and these walls where when she did come out, she didn't want to see her. Why? Because she was still hurt about the actions that she chose to take, knowing that she had children, and so she has forgiven my grandma, rest in peace. Um, but that affected my mom a lot, um, especially because she lived from place to place. Um, we did my grandma had seven children, so the oldest sibling, which is my Aunt Ruby, took care of the younger siblings, but my Aunt Ruby was 20 now, and she had her two kids, and then she was taking care of the four younger ones. Wow. And so um at 20 years old, can you imagine? Can you imagine that? Yeah, and then still living her life. So, and then and then um we still had the the older siblings still taking part, but like in and out. Um, one of my aunts was in um a foster care system too. And so um we we've come from a line of like abuse, alcoholism, and and things of that nature. So my mother was she was strong, and um, I give her kudos because she never did fall into alcoholism. She did um did suffer from depression, okay. Um cold hearted, and I believe that stemmed from those years where she didn't have a mother or a father. So when we um were growing up, um, I know that she did the best that she could. Um, but the cycle repeated itself. My father was an alcoholic. Um, he actually was a drug dealer in Milwaukee. And um, my mom finally left and when I was five, she at that time it was uh the three of us, so three girls, single mother. She worked, um, she worked one job, but then at times when she needed money, she would work two jobs. And my mom never drove, so she took two buses to work, um, sometimes leaving at 5 30 in the morning and then coming home later. So we didn't have that. Um we we had a mother, right? But we didn't really have that mentor. Okay. We sort of we lived in Milwaukee South Side, and we found that mentorship in people in the community, and sometimes that wasn't good. So um I grew up hanging around with local gangs. I I found the connection and the love. Um, as I said, my mom didn't really grow up with that loving nature, so we didn't grow up with that loving nature. Yeah, and so we were finding that love in other places that we should not have. So I um remember being attracted to the gang life, hanging out um with people, and then I started doing drugs. Um, I started drinking, I ran away at 15, and so I I got a taste of the life and I liked it. And so I remember at the age of 16, I got drunk one time and I was date raped. And I remember um being so humiliated and shameful. And when um the man was done with me, because I remember telling him, get off of me, get off of me, and he would was saying no. And finally I screamed, and he must have got scared, got off of me, changed right away, grabbed whatever I could, and this was after the second person, and I um ran outside. I remember, and I remember walking down sixth streets, and it was cold, and I I didn't have my jacket, and I just remember hugging my shoulders and walking and just feeling so disgusting, feeling so shameful, and I remember crying, and um at that time cell phones were just becoming a big hit. So I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't want to go home, so I ended up going to one of the homegirls' houses, and um, I went there and I didn't tell anybody at that time what had happened. Well you said this was your first incident or second? So being date rape, this was my first incident. Okay. Um I was molested when I was nine. Okay, by friends, family by a close, uh a close family friend.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Um we lived in a duplex.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Sorry, I didn't mean for you to disclose if you needed to. I just wanted to clarify. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

We lived in a duplex and the gentleman lived on the second floor, and as kids, we used to run um back and forth all over. And um one day I was upstairs and um he was in the shower and I was sneaking around in the house looking for candy and stuff like that in the kitchen, and then so we we would do that. We would run all over because these were family friends of ours, so we trusted them. Right. And um I remember him coming out of the shower, dressed and fully clothed and everything. And um, he says, What are you doing? And I was like, I'm just looking for candy, and he was like, Oh, I don't got none. And then I said, Okay. And then as a little girl, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go down. And he was like, Um, oh, but come here, come here. And I said, Okay. And he goes, Um, do you want to play a game? And I said, sure. And he goes, uh, have you ever heard of yoga? And I was like, no, I don't know what yoga is. And he goes, Oh, but let me show you. And I say, Okay, sure. And he goes, Oh, lay there on the floor. And so I lay there on the floor, um, um with my like chest out back on the floor. And um, he goes, I'm gonna show you a yoga move. And I say, Okay. And he gets on top of me, but face the other way. And he puts his genitals in my face. And I'm like, I knew right there, I'm like, this is not, this is not right. And I'm like, get off of me. And um he got scared and he said, Um, don't tell anyone. And I said, No, and I ran downstairs, and I remember telling my mom and my grandma at the time, and they were furious, and he came down because he must have heard the commotion, and he said I was lying. He says that I was up there in his house when I wasn't supposed to, and that I was trying to steal his stuff, and that I was lying. And so my mom right there said, Well, you better not do something like that, and that was it. To him or to him, to him, to him, and that was it, and then I wasn't allowed to go up there again, so that was the first time, and then I remember he still lived there for another couple months, and so I really didn't get that justice, you know. He got away with it, and I don't know if he ever did anything like that to any other kids, but so from a young age, I learned that men only wanted one thing, and that wasn't the first attempt. Um, my grandma um liked to go to the bars to see her friends, and so she I love my grandma, but she had a little bit too much compassion for her friends because she would bring her her old fogy friends and they would sleep in our basement. And so when um me and my sisters would go down to the basement to get our laundry, they would be there like drunk and passed out. Well, one one day, um one of the guys snatched snatched my younger sister. And so we knew right there too, like, okay, this is a a survive, this is like a fight or flight, you know, type thing. So we and it's so sad that at a young age that we had this revelation. We were supposed to just it's sad that we we and it's sad because we started making it a joke, like, see who can run down there faster and get the laundry before what's his name. Like a contest or a game. Okay, it was. It was like a contest or a game. And so I would tell my sisters, you distract them so I can go get the laundry out of the out of the laundry, put it in the in the dryer, whatever it is, and then we see who can run up the fastest so that way we can get out of there quick. Because we would be afraid, but like I said, we would make we started making it into a contest to see how we can get out of there quicker. And so um um, I how do I put this? Mom and grandma knew, and as much as my mom hated that my grandma would bring her drunk friends home to sleep in our basement. Um, my mom didn't do anything um because my grandma, again, she was a single mom, and my grandma was the one helping her with um babysitting us, taking care of us, and that conflict. Um, she I think she would just wanted to avoid that conflict. Yeah. And um, she and my mom will say it. She goes, Yeah, I hated what grandma would bring, would bring her friends, would bring her friends over. And I think at that point there was really nothing she could do.

SPEAKER_01 26:14

Yeah. And and sometimes as mothers, we make decisions that we're not maybe in hindsight, we're not proud of. I had that same situation with my daughters, you know, having my abuser around them when I didn't want to face that. And I I write about that in the book, and that's something even to this day that I know my my old my oldest daughter, my youngest daughter, we've had conversations around, but I again this whole process is a lifelong journey, right? And I am more open to let's have those conversations because I see things differently. Now they had a lens as a child, just like you're disclosing and talking about your lens as a child about what you maybe didn't agree with, right? And again, in and I feel in homes, like you know, I was taught what happens here stays here. Yeah, you know, you don't air our dirt or laundry, right? All those things, right? And that's not appropriate. We need to make sure we're having safe places for our families. So, but exactly. Thank you for sharing. I know then we talked, you know, about relationships. Then you know, you go into your relationship space, you start dating. How did you trust people? You know, when you started dating, if you felt or did you just never trust guys? I never did. You never did.

Faith, FEW, And The Power Of Yes

SPEAKER_00 27:18

I never did. I was very promiscuous because I thought that that was um how they were gonna love me. So I went into relationships and sex was the number one thing. Yeah, I'm like, um, if I give myself up, they're gonna love me even more, or they're gonna they're gonna take me seriously. And that's not it at all. It's not it at all. It's such a lie from the enemy, it's such a lie. And so, yeah, and it and I I went that way for a really long time. And um it's horrible. And I got burnt a couple times. And um, yeah, I really, I really regret that season of my life. But again, it made us stronger, it made us um more resilient, and it's helping us to build stronger communities, to build stronger women, to know your worth, to know who you are, to cherish your body, honor your body. And when the time is right, when you meet that man that loves you unconditionally, that's not gonna abuse you, that's not gonna hurt you, that's not gonna call you names, that's not gonna cheat on you with other women. And it's just, it's so huge, just to take care. And and that goes for men too. Right. You know, right? It goes both ways. So just to just to know who you are and find find happiness within yourself. See, a lot of times um people don't know what to do with themselves. And it's like there's so much out there. If you would just get you, you would just take the time to really, really know yourself. And I've told my younger sister, because now I have a younger sister, and she's dating, and I and I say, Sophie, really, really get to know yourself. Like go to um art shows, go to galleries, go to travel or travel. Yes, yes, do those things, and then you're gonna attract the person that loves you for who you are.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

And no, I totally agree with everything that you said. I think that it does make us stronger and that we have the courage to speak out about it, right? We're advocating for ourselves, but also being a resource and advocating for others because a lot of people do live in silence and think and carry that shame, the guilt, the fear because they just don't want to admit that that happened to them. And it's okay to be silent, right? I mean, I'm all about when you're ready, but again, I feel there's so much power when you do disclose, even if it's to one person or you share with someone you can trust, or write a letter. Like I've had some of my survivor, my community friends say, you know, other survivors, write a letter and then burn it, or write a letter and tell them how that abuser how you feel. Yeah. Um, get it out there so that you know you can have that weight lifted off of you because that is so freeing. Yeah. When you do that.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

Yeah, because we start to collect all the baggage, we start to collect all those burdens, all those emotional ties, and you just want to be free and let it go. You just feel so much lighter and you just feel so much better.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

And it can affect your health, your mental, your spiritual, your physical, all of it. It's your body knows what you're, you know, when you carry that baggage. And so you know, you talked a lot about like generational, like we talk about the generational curses and how we grow from that and how we are gonna be different individuals, right? With our families. And I know that was a learning curve for me. And uh at 51 years old, I'm still learning, right? How to be a different parent. I have to parent differently. You know, my kids are adults, so they're not children. So I have to parent in a different way. They're like, Mom, you know, you know you're always gonna be my mom, but you don't need to parent me, you know. Yeah, just be there for me. And I'm like, you know, you're right. Why don't I had that mentality for a long time that I was always still right? And they're like, mom, we're adults, we have our own opinions, we're on our own journey. And then you talked about boundaries. I thought that was important talking about boundaries and setting those boundaries for yourself with others. I think that's important, you know. Trust. I think a lot of survivors, thrivers, you know, when they're in that space, it's hard for them to trust, but learning to love yourself. I think that was your message that I heard.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

That is, learning to love yourself. Yeah, and and letting go of that insecurity. I um will disclose this. I didn't fully let insecurity go until last Sunday when I was at church. Um, our pastor said, I want you to bring something that's hindering you from moving forward, whether that be a little like um like a little artifact, like a little trinket or something that you really, really want to get rid of. And see me, I'm like, well, you know, I've I gotten rid of a lot of things. And then um then I realized, no, I still haven't got rid of insecurity. I feel I still feel insecure sometimes. And yeah, we may look good from the outside, but in the inside, we can still be insecure. And I was, I was, I was insecure about myself, about my body. And I just I let that go on the altar that Sunday. I said, you know what, I'm not carrying insecurity with me anymore. I'm leaving it here. And honestly, Candace, I felt like such a weight lift off of me. Like I feel so good. Like I'm I'm I don't feel insecure anymore. It's powerful.

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Yes, and we, I mean, I think I lived in insecurity my whole life. I remember like I had a big butt, I had this long hair, I didn't think people liked me. Like I was insecure in relationships, and it was like a self-discovery. I had to really learn to love myself, right? And I started taking better care of myself. I'm not a size six, you know, but I know I go to the gym, I exercise, I meditate, right? I go to therapy, I do Reiki sessions, I do my prayer, I do my devotionals. I'm making sure that I'm taking care of me mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of this, all of them because I have to make sure that because this work that we're doing, this is heavy work, right? Right? Right. And there's this responsibility that you have with this work that we do, but I just feel like I I can't take care of anybody else unless we take care of ourselves first. Yeah. So that we're better for our community when we show up.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Yeah. And that's a form of self-self-care. Self-care, self-love. It's okay, it's okay to say no. I was just in a self-worth uh session that we just did at Arts at Large. And the biggest thing was self-worth and self-care, and putting those boundaries and taking care of yourself first, because then you're not going to be able to take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.

Advocacy, Community, And Prevention

SPEAKER_01 33:20

And it's not selfish. No, you have to do it. Absolutely. It's selfless because then you show up better. And I always, so as a life coach, and I know you're a coach and mentor as well. And I'm my one of my things that I tell my clients is or anyone who I think needs to hear this is it's okay to say to someone, you know what, I love you, but I love myself more. Right. And and when you can honestly feel that and not make it be cocky or like you're all like all in yourself and you're so like, you know, this righteous person. No, it's like I love you and I love what you stand for. I love you, relationship, I love you job, I love you, whatever the task is. I love you because I have a fear of missing out.

unknown 34:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

But I love myself more right now. So that means I gotta take care of me. Right, right. And so I I preach that a lot. Yeah. Even to myself, I still have to remind myself. I have to talk the talk.

SPEAKER_00 34:10

Yeah, and walk. Exactly. And Mama Kim says, you have to ask yourself two questions. Are you willing and are you able? Because just because we're willing doesn't mean we're able. And what does that mean? That means do you have the time, the money, and the materials to be able to do what you are willing to do? And if the answer is no, then you know your answer. Don't do it. And give yourself some time. You don't have to give somebody an answer right away. You can say, Oh, okay, thank you. Let me think about this and I'll get back to you. And then you let them that give them that time frame tomorrow or in a week or whatever it is that you need. Don't feel bad about telling people that. That that's a form of self-care. Right, right. Awesome. Thank yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:51

I love that. I love it too. So, as far as like, so I know we've talked a little bit about your story, relationships, your journey, your your background. You know, we talked about our faith. We touched on that from your healing journey. So, when did you do that deep dive that I need to get mental health services or I need to therapy, or was it just your faith that got you through to this point?

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Sure. Um, it initially began when my marriage fell apart. Okay. So um I f I feel like I attract abusers in an odd way. So I um uh my husband and I, um, so we both stemmed from anger. Like we had anger built up. And I'm not saying it's right, the abuse is never right. No, no. Um, he grew up with an alcoholic father that used to beat his mom. And one day he got mad, grabbed a bat, and beat his dad. So he he also came from a very traumatic childhood. So you bring those two intogether. Exactly. And it's just like, oh, yeah, we we let's beat each other up when we're when we're angry, you know, it and it is what it is. And I'm gonna I'm gonna speak the truth because a lot of times we just lash out in our anger. And so there was times where I lashed out on him, there was times that he lashed out on me, and it was just a toxic environment. And so we just we separated. Well, I actually kicked him out, and I said, this is enough. And um I remember just feeling like crushed, like uh like in despair. My my marriage is broken. I feel like a failure. Yeah, right. I now have two kids. Um, I don't know where to go, well, I do know where to go, but at the moment I'm like, I just I don't know what to do. And and what do people do when they don't know what to do when they're in the the hole that they dug themselves in? They typically look for spiritual help. So I said, I'm going to church. You know, I was raised in church at a young age because I have an aunt that is a firm believer. So she used to take me or take me and my siblings um on Sundays. And so um I'm like, I'm going to go back and I'm gonna be um for real this time. And so I went and I remember um sitting way in the back because I'm like, I'm just gonna go in there, sit in the back, because I don't even feel like I deserve to be here, but I'm gonna go anyways. And um I remember um a song was playing and I just wept and I cried and I because I felt so hopeless. And in that moment, I just felt I just felt like God's arms were hugging me and I just felt his presence and I just felt so good and I just knew things were gonna be okay. And I just I I listened to the song, I let it all out, and that was the start of my healing journey. That was six years ago. But when it really, really excelled was two years ago when I met Few, because that was just taking women to another level. It was like really digging in.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

And let's talk about what FEW stands for: the fellowship of extraordinary women. So fellowship extraordinary women. Yes, and that's Kimberly's ministry, right?

SPEAKER_00 38:00

Mm-hmm. Yep. And she says because Jesus died to give us an extraordinary life. He put the extra on the ordinary to empower us for great things. Right. And so that was the beginning to acceleration. So I remember just being so hungry. And in the book, The Power of Yes, I'm not gonna tell you here what triggered it.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

But what triggered you're gonna put yes or plug in it. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 38:24

Yes. So there was a call on my life, and um, that will be in the book, The Power of Yes.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

Um to be launched and published in 2024. Yes, and this podcast episode will be launched in 2024. I don't know what month, what, but this is what I believe. Okay. Divine design, God's plan. It'll launch when it's supposed to, whether it's gonna be right before the book or right during the book, right? But it's gonna be perfect timing for you to then put this on your socials to then market yourself, market our stories, market one another. Yes, because we are few.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Hey. Yeah. Exactly. So though the call, there was a call, a strong call. And so um, I just knew, okay, I gotta be accelerated. I gotta, I'm hungry now. I'm desperate now. I'm desperate for healing. There's so many women that need to hear my story. There's so many women that need to heal to pull that root out and just really live an extraordinary life. But we can't do that if we got all the junk sitting back in the back seat. We gotta get rid of it.

Books, Writing Journey, And Relapse Lessons

SPEAKER_01 39:19

And that's when you said that whole insecurity, getting rid of it, so you can continue to propel forward. So yes. Amen. I love that. Yes, yes, yes. So you talked about a couple things. So I love what you said about the whole leaving insecurity at the door. Yes. I love that. Uh, you know, you said something that really struck me. I sometimes still struggle where I can go to church and I feel good. Like I was born and raised Catholic, and I still go to my community, Catholic Church community. I know the whole Catholic system with the whole priests and the nuns and all the abuse that has happened there, right? And I I get it. And I know people are like, so Candace, why you know I go for community, I go for the the pray, but I've also gone to non-denominational, I've gone to Bible studies. I've I watched Joel Olsne, I do all types of worship. I go to like the few women's conference, like you know, where we are praising and worship at a conference. So I I don't I'm all inclusive, like I don't discriminate. I whatever someone's cup of tea, I just say believe in something and rally around people that like you can can uplift you, which is what I feel, right? And when you said you didn't even feel worthy sometimes going to church or sitting in the back, and I sometimes still struggle in spaces where it's like, do I really belong here? And but then like you reminded me of what you just said is like no, take your place. I am an extraordinary woman, and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And shout out to my cousin Stephanie because she's always encouraged and inspired me, like to make sure just reading the Bible and understanding what the Bible's saying and and how it speaks and calls to me. And and again, I know I'm perfectly imperfect, but I know I have a purpose for my life.

SPEAKER_00 40:53

That's all human. Everybody makes mistakes, even the priests, even the elders. We all make mistakes. Even people in ministry, people in ministry, people in street. We all do. We're all human. So the the thing to do the most is lift each other up, I would say, is pick somebody up when they're falling in despair, be that light for them.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

Yes. The light is where, like I said, when you shine your light on your darkness, there is so much power in that. Turning our trauma into triumph. Yes, taking our pain and making it into our purpose. Yep. And then help someone else. And help someone, and with that's what we're doing with this podcast. Hopefully, whoever's listening, that it's you know possible. Right, yes, right. It is awesome. So now let's talk about we're gonna transition to the book. I know you read my book, so and thank you for reading it. And I'll put a plug, please. If you have read my book, um, it's available on Amazon, uh, Unspoken by Candace Sanchez, or you can find it on my website at www.candassanchez.com. If you go to my swag store, you can get an author-signed copy and I will mail it directly to you. And I will promote my swag store. I do that to my listeners. If you haven't visited my swag store, please go take a look at my shop. Um, any of my swag that I do sell, you know, I'm not about making this like millions of dollars. I'm more about the impact and and making change happen with this narrative, this topic that we don't like to talk about, changing the narrative on this taboo topic. But I'd love your feedback on my book. Sure for the listeners.

SPEAKER_00 42:22

Well, first and foremost, I love the swag shirts. I bought one and I love it. I love wearing it. Like I actually wore your shirt to the one of the sexual awareness um by Cynthia Jones. She's having one this April 8th at um the Zablocki Public Library. And so it's she's all um about sexual awareness, sexual abuse, and helping um victims come out of it and heal from it. So I actually wore that recently and I'm like, oh, this is perfect for um for the conference that she did. So, yes, your book. Oh, I have to say it, I love your book. It made me cringe a few times. I'm like, oh, Candace, like I could feel the emotion. And I have an uncle who um was raped as a young boy two times, and they were by family members. Um, rest his soul. He actually died of AIDS. Um, but when you're when you were speaking your story in there, it it almost it's almost as if it brought revelation about my uncle and what he went through.

SPEAKER_02 43:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 43:25

And it just brought like it, it brought, it was a sense of sadness. I know he's in a good place, right? But you start to feel that emotion, and I'm like, oh, Uncle, Uncle David, I'm so sorry. And then, oh, Candace, I'm just so sorry. So it really does reflect what happens to individuals in our community that we don't even know that they're going through.

SPEAKER_01 43:46

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 43:47

And oh, just thank you so much for being vulnerable with that book.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

It really touched my heart. Thank you for your support. And again, if you do get the book and you read it, please put a review on Amazon. Even please put a review on my podcast. I love to get reviews that this is making an impact because that's really what it's all about. So thank you for being a supporter of my book Unspoken. Yes, definitely. So, and then like I want to talk about your book. So, we talked a little bit about on the podcast. You have a book coming out, uh, The Power of Yes, launching in 2024, but you're also writing your own book called A Woman Unshakable. So, do you have target? And again, from one author to a future author here. The book journey is is one that can be daunting. I remember my journey, it's just long editing days, but how has your journey been?

Forgiveness, Closure, And Full-Circle Blessings

SPEAKER_00 44:33

Yeah, so my journey has been up and down. It's been many times going around the same mountain. You know, that um that uh 40, that 40-year trip the Israelites took when they should have done it in 11. Yeah, I felt like that was my story. Like, oh my god, girl, like you're going through this again. Like there was times where I would be so good, so good, and then something happened and then I would take two steps back, or something happened and I would fall back into the pit. Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, why am I doing this again? And a lot of it happened because I still suffered from alcohol addiction. You know, I still would find myself when I would be depressed or I would be going through um this trial, then I would turn to booze, right? And I would do these three, this, these three-day um binge drinking episodes and stuff because I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to find peace and I didn't know how to find that healing and other avenues. So, like the mental health support, that's huge, you know, because a lot of times we want to run to the things that are the very toxic things that are putting us in these situations with. Yes, yes, yeah. And so I talk about like how I started um my journey and my career, and then I talk about the how I lacked the confidence. I talk about being in the male-dominated trades, but then I talk about all the chaos that was going on at home in my life because you can't really excel in other areas of your life unless you really get through some of the things that you're going through on the personal level, on the trauma level, on the things that you're dealing with inside. So it just talks about those mountains going around the same familiar mountain, that reckless living, and then how I overcame some of those things and how I'm still overcoming those things. And so it's the woman unshakable is showing that even though you go through traumatic events, you can still be unshakable, you can still come out on the other side. You face the storm, you get through the storm, and you come out to the light.

SPEAKER_01 46:30

Yeah, that's awesome. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to read both books. So The Power of Yes, and then A Woman Unshakable. So I want to make sure I did a plug for you for that.

SPEAKER_00 46:39

Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

And then I also want to plug. So you and I, when you were coming to the studio today, we talked about the walk. So I will just put a plug in for, you know, as a survivor thriver, I'm now part of a local organization. I'm a board member of Belief Survivors Incorporated. They have sexual assault uh survivor programs as well as a scan, so stop child abuse and neglect programs. So that's huge. So being able to align my personal mission with local organizations that are doing something for the cause. And then also I've partnered with the National Foundation to end child abuse and neglect. So end can E N D C A N dot org, put a plug for them. And they have walks to help with uh prevention, creating cultural change, and you know, just to really get around prevention, advocacy, education, and research efforts around child abuse and neglect. And so I'm a walk lead. The event's gonna be happening. We have them every year, and they're in different cities, but in the city of Milwaukee, where I'm from, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that's where we're taping this here. Um, September 16th, um, in in Oak Creek, Wisconsin at Lake Vista Park. So um, yeah, so I just wanted to make sure I plugged in and can. So yeah, so I can't wait for us to partner in again. Uh I'm excited about Cynthia Jones' event. Maybe I can attend and do some networking there as well.

SPEAKER_00 47:51

Definitely. She has speakers too. So if you ever want to speak at one of her events, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 47:56

I'm definitely gonna try to see if I can plug in, go to the event, bring some flyers, bring some cards, connect with you there. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! It's great. So as we start to wrap up, I'm so excited. Um, I always like to end on a positive note. So full circle blessings was the last chapter in my book. And I talked about just, you know, my journey, my accolades. It's always hard to recognize and pat yourself on the back. So where what are you most grateful for? I want to close out on that positive, full circle blessing. So, what do you what where are you today in your journey? And what are you most grateful for?

SPEAKER_00 48:27

I'm most grateful for forgiveness because and you actually forgave too. And I just want to like say, yes, girl, like you did not let them have a hold on you. You did not let them have a chain on you. You forgave, and mostly because you forgave so that way you can move forward. And that is key. Forgiveness is not because they deserve to be forgiven it, forgiven for what they did, because absolutely not. But forgiveness is so that way you can forgive and let go. So you can forgive and move forward. You can forgive and give it to God so He can do the justice because we're not the judge, right? Right. So we have to learn to just let it go. And I know that's hard because a lot of people say, I can't let that go, but we can talk through it, right? Right. And we can get to that place where we can forgive ourselves most importantly and move forward so we can live the life that we are meant to live. And so that's huge. So that's what I'm grateful for is because I forgave a lot of people in my past. And because again, I say we're just humans, we're all flawed. Yes, and so forgiveness is huge. And I'm so glad you found that in your heart because if you were to hold on to a lot of that anger and and sometimes people live in the pity party, do you think you would be doing this right now? No, right?

Resources, Seasons, And Closing CTA

SPEAKER_01 49:44

No, no, you can't, and that's the thing. Like, so I was asked a question recently, um, because I will be speaking at an event in the future here, and one of the questions that came back, which really was a great question, was before um they just the board wanted to select there was three speakers that they were picking from. I was one of the three, and they wanted to ask the question why I never reported. And they wanted to kind of do a deep dive. And that is a big question. Yeah. And I really I thought about the question, and then my response was, you know, when I go through my journey at the different stages of my life, you know, as a young child, and then not disclosing and then disclosing and then having that victim blaming and the shame. And then people in the education system didn't pick up on it. School systems that it was just like there's no believing of me. So what difference would it make? Yeah. Not wanting to hurt my mom, not wanting to like, because it was instilled in my head, well, you're gonna be stuck with me anyways. If your mom will have a nervous breakdown, she's gonna leave you with me. You know, so it was like ingrained that right, no matter what, if I did, I was just gonna lose anyways. So the fear was instilled in me. It was the fear, and it's it happens a lot, and it happens a lot, and so I just and then I am at the point in my life where I have considered doing it even at the present day. I have been contemplating and figuring and navigating what would that look like? How would it look? I feel that the book is a testimony, red testimony, but then also taking it that one step so they can't do it to someone else if someone were to report in the here and now, and if I'm gonna be a true advocate. And again, so it was a great question. I'm glad they asked me, and I'm glad I got to think about how I would respond and what my response was. And I was confident, and they did select me for their speech. Oh, congratulations. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 51:26

And I'm excited for you. You met your biological father. Yes, that was huge.

SPEAKER_01 51:31

Oh my gosh, talk about first local for full circle blessings. For me, what I'm most grateful for is just the sense of family and not having a hole in my heart anymore, right? So I have my beautiful family, my two daughters that, you know, with their partners, my daughter married, you know, my son-in-law is I love them, and then my grandkids, you know. I love on these grandkids and just want to give them the best of everything. Um, and just the snuggles and the love, and just it's genuine. And we've grown, we've gone through it, but we've grown through it too. And to me, that's healing. And we're trying to break generational curses. We've really all done a lot of inner child work, and I'm still doing that work because it's so key to continue so that I'm on this journey. But yes, finding my biological family has been a blessing. Amazing. I went in with no expectations, and I think because I did that, I got so much in return.

SPEAKER_00 52:20

Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, I'm glad you found that happy ending. It's really like a Cinderella story. Yeah, like I love it. Listen, you have to read the book, it's truly amazing. And I finished, I was like hooked on it. Like there, it was a Saturday night or might have been a Friday night, and I started reading it probably like six o'clock, and I'm like, oh I'm not putting this book down. And I finished it at like 10, 10:30.

SPEAKER_02 52:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:42

So it's a it's a good read, and it's it's not like like um, oh, how do I say it doesn't um trail off? Like it's all there. I love it. It gets you like in the pages, and you can read it in four to five hours. Yeah, it's a quick read.

SPEAKER_01 52:57

I love that I get that feedback, the quick read, and that it entices you that you just want to finish it. I've had people say, Can't say I put it down and I'm like, okay, I gotta go back and read it. I'm like, I couldn't put it down. I couldn't. So yeah, I'm so glad.

SPEAKER_02 53:07

It was great.

SPEAKER_01 53:08

And so as we're getting a wrap up, I'm always here to offer, we are here to offer resources. So I will just make sure to do a shout out to your business. So um, you know, journey to alignment coaching.com is your website. That is your business. Journey to alignment coaching. Journey to alignment coaching.com. Yes, and then I I'll have your LinkedIn bio um in the resource page. So if anyone wants to connect with you or find you, they can do that. And then doing a shout out again to the the mommy mom Kim, Mama Kim, Mama Kim, Mama Kimberly Kruger.

SPEAKER_00 53:37

She's in Africa right now on a mission trip. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 53:39

Kimberly Joy Kruger.com. And then she has her thefewwomen.com the events for her conference coming up, um, which is also in the fall. Yes, usually November time frame in the fall. And so I'm just thank you for being here today. I appreciate you, and you are definitely extraordinary. Awesome. Thank you, Candace. So are you. Oh, so yeah. So thanks again to everyone for tuning in to another episode of Unspoken Conversations with Candace. Um, please subscribe to my channel. I now have a YouTube channel. Make sure you're checking that out. I dedicated season three to all male survivors. I have season one, season two into season three. We are recording full force for season four. And then I'm going to be taking a pause after my season four launch because I'll have a good another 12 episodes. But when I say take a pause, I'll still be recording, but not dropping because what I want to do is bring a conference with all of my podcast guests together to do a huge networking event. So I'm really trying to do something that's going to be um that's beautiful. Yeah, that's gonna be huge. And so I'm excited for that. And and the podcast will have four beautiful seasons to just kind of you know, I think four seasons because we have four seasons, and then just kind of market and socialize and really try to work on um marketing just the content that I have. So thank you for being part of the Unspoken Conversation with Candace Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 54:55

And thank you for doing the Mel episodes, like that really hits home and it touches my heart. And um, my heart goes out, and I feel like this is a turning point. And I feel like you're doing this for my Uncle David and for all the men that have gone through that. And so it's so important. Oh, I love it.

SPEAKER_01 55:11

Thank you for saying that. That's awesome. So thank you so much. That's a beautiful way to close out. Thank you for being here. Have a great rest of your day. All right, everyone. Thanks for tuning in. We'll talk to you next time. Thank you. Have a good one. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to this conversation about healing, encouragement, and support. Trust that there is power in speaking your truth and sharing your experience with others because you can have an impact or even save someone's life. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram to stay engaged in our unspoken conversations with Candace. And if you have been impacted by trauma and need tools to heal, consider purchasing a copy of my book titled Unspoken available on Amazon. Thanks again, and remember, you're not alone.