{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.45,"endTime":0.93,"body":"Hey friends."},{"startTime":0.93,"endTime":4.5,"body":"Welcome back to Nope, we Are Not"},{"startTime":0.93,"endTime":4.5,"body":"Monogamous, uh, the podcast where"},{"startTime":4.5,"endTime":8.31,"body":"we explore non-monogamy with, you"},{"startTime":4.5,"endTime":8.31,"body":"know, some nuance and curiosity"},{"startTime":8.31,"endTime":9.219,"body":"and a little bit of humor."},{"startTime":9.219,"endTime":14.04,"body":"I'm Ellecia, your non monogamous"},{"startTime":9.219,"endTime":14.04,"body":"relationship coach, and today's"},{"startTime":14.04,"endTime":15.27,"body":"episode is such a treat."},{"startTime":15.3,"endTime":20.16,"body":"I'm joined by Dr. Emma Smith and I"},{"startTime":15.3,"endTime":20.16,"body":"just recently discovered her work,"},{"startTime":20.785,"endTime":26.31,"body":"but the moment I did, I was like, how"},{"startTime":20.785,"endTime":26.31,"body":"have I not known about her before?"},{"startTime":27.015,"endTime":32.025,"body":"Her approach to desire and emotional"},{"startTime":27.015,"endTime":32.025,"body":"safety and boundaries resonates so deeply"},{"startTime":32.025,"endTime":34.995,"body":"with the way that I work, and I know"},{"startTime":32.025,"endTime":34.995,"body":"immediately I had to have her on the show."},{"startTime":35.325,"endTime":39.225,"body":"Emma is a licensed professional"},{"startTime":35.325,"endTime":39.225,"body":"counselor, a certified sex therapist,"},{"startTime":39.225,"endTime":42.735,"body":"and a brilliant thinker when it comes to"},{"startTime":39.225,"endTime":42.735,"body":"relationships, especially the ones that"},{"startTime":42.735,"endTime":44.205,"body":"don't follow the traditional script."},{"startTime":44.985,"endTime":48.285,"body":"So in this conversation, we"},{"startTime":44.985,"endTime":48.285,"body":"get into how to understand your"},{"startTime":48.285,"endTime":49.845,"body":"boundaries through your body."},{"startTime":50.145,"endTime":53.505,"body":"You'll see what I mean, how to regulate"},{"startTime":50.145,"endTime":53.505,"body":"when your nervous system is completely"},{"startTime":53.505,"endTime":57.315,"body":"freaking out, and why jealousy might"},{"startTime":53.505,"endTime":57.315,"body":"actually be one of your greatest teachers."},{"startTime":57.315,"endTime":60.165,"body":"You've probably heard me mention this"},{"startTime":57.315,"endTime":60.165,"body":"before, but we're talking about it"},{"startTime":60.165,"endTime":61.845,"body":"again because it's so, so, so important."},{"startTime":62.295,"endTime":66.705,"body":"If you've ever struggled to say no,"},{"startTime":62.295,"endTime":66.705,"body":"if you felt guilty for setting limits"},{"startTime":67.065,"endTime":69.885,"body":"or if you wondered if you're even"},{"startTime":67.065,"endTime":69.885,"body":"doing this whole non-monogamy thing,"},{"startTime":69.885,"endTime":72.015,"body":"right, you're in the right place."},{"startTime":72.645,"endTime":73.725,"body":"Let's get into it."},{"startTime":74.024,"endTime":74.505,"body":"Enjoy."},{"startTime":75.615,"endTime":76.095,"body":"Awesome."},{"startTime":76.755,"endTime":79.065,"body":"Well, uh, amazing welcome."},{"startTime":79.065,"endTime":80.115,"body":"Thank you for coming on."},{"startTime":80.115,"endTime":81.765,"body":"Nope, we are not monogamous."},{"startTime":81.884,"endTime":83.505,"body":"I appreciate you being here."},{"startTime":84.104,"endTime":89.445,"body":"Uh, would you tell the listeners just"},{"startTime":84.104,"endTime":89.445,"body":"real quick, um, kind of who you are?"},{"startTime":90.524,"endTime":90.975,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":90.975,"endTime":95.475,"body":"So my name is Dr. Emma Smith"},{"startTime":90.975,"endTime":95.475,"body":"and I am a licensed professional"},{"startTime":95.475,"endTime":100.199,"body":"counselor and certified sex therapist"},{"startTime":95.475,"endTime":100.199,"body":"practicing in Nashville, Tennessee."},{"startTime":101.384,"endTime":101.835,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":102.045,"endTime":103.095,"body":"Oh, you're in Tennessee."},{"startTime":103.155,"endTime":103.845,"body":"Oh, cool."},{"startTime":104.565,"endTime":106.755,"body":"You're like, it must be"},{"startTime":104.565,"endTime":106.755,"body":"warm there right now."},{"startTime":106.755,"endTime":107.595,"body":"I would imagine"},{"startTime":108.854,"endTime":109.095,"body":"it."},{"startTime":109.125,"endTime":113.535,"body":"We are in that weird flux where you"},{"startTime":109.125,"endTime":113.535,"body":"are going to be dressed inappropriately"},{"startTime":113.535,"endTime":114.884,"body":"for the weather at some point."},{"startTime":115.185,"endTime":115.964,"body":"No matter what."},{"startTime":116.595,"endTime":117.315,"body":"No matter what."},{"startTime":120.0,"endTime":121.169,"body":"Amazing, amazing."},{"startTime":121.949,"endTime":125.429,"body":"I'm in Washington, um, state, so"},{"startTime":121.949,"endTime":125.429,"body":"I'm like just outside of Seattle."},{"startTime":125.429,"endTime":126.36,"body":"And it's the same thing."},{"startTime":126.36,"endTime":130.079,"body":"It's like last week it was hailing"},{"startTime":126.36,"endTime":130.079,"body":"and now it's beautiful and sunny, so"},{"startTime":132.209,"endTime":133.41,"body":"yes, yes."},{"startTime":134.07,"endTime":136.95,"body":"Uh, I just put away all my sweaters"},{"startTime":134.07,"endTime":136.95,"body":"and then the temperature dropped"},{"startTime":136.95,"endTime":140.97,"body":"again and I was like, well, okay,"},{"startTime":136.95,"endTime":140.97,"body":"we're going in in layers today, three."},{"startTime":143.745,"endTime":144.285,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":144.315,"endTime":144.765,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":144.885,"endTime":150.855,"body":"So, um, this morning I was checking out"},{"startTime":144.885,"endTime":150.855,"body":"your website and your social media, and"},{"startTime":151.125,"endTime":153.825,"body":"you have so much really amazing content."},{"startTime":153.825,"endTime":156.105,"body":"I got, I got like really"},{"startTime":153.825,"endTime":156.105,"body":"excited to do this."},{"startTime":156.105,"endTime":158.204,"body":"I was like, oh my God,"},{"startTime":156.105,"endTime":158.204,"body":"this is gonna be so good."},{"startTime":158.655,"endTime":162.525,"body":"Uh, and I. I have."},{"startTime":162.555,"endTime":162.765,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":162.765,"endTime":164.445,"body":"I have a couple of questions for you."},{"startTime":164.655,"endTime":168.165,"body":"Uh, obviously talk a lot about"},{"startTime":164.655,"endTime":168.165,"body":"non-monogamy here, but what"},{"startTime":168.165,"endTime":171.435,"body":"I've, I've found is that it's all"},{"startTime":168.165,"endTime":171.435,"body":"just good relationship advice,"},{"startTime":171.765,"endTime":172.125,"body":"right?"},{"startTime":172.695,"endTime":173.325,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":173.595,"endTime":174.555,"body":"Across the board."},{"startTime":176.175,"endTime":180.315,"body":"And something I was really excited"},{"startTime":176.175,"endTime":180.315,"body":"to talk to you about in the realm of"},{"startTime":180.315,"endTime":187.185,"body":"non-monogamy is boundaries, because"},{"startTime":180.315,"endTime":187.185,"body":"that is such a huge topic and such a."},{"startTime":187.545,"endTime":191.925,"body":"Hard topic for so many people,"},{"startTime":187.545,"endTime":191.925,"body":"so many of us, one, have no"},{"startTime":191.925,"endTime":193.035,"body":"idea what our boundaries are."},{"startTime":193.185,"endTime":198.525,"body":"Two, have no idea how to, how to set"},{"startTime":193.185,"endTime":198.525,"body":"them without feeling guilty or weird,"},{"startTime":198.525,"endTime":200.025,"body":"or like we're doing something wrong."},{"startTime":200.295,"endTime":206.295,"body":"And so I, I really was excited to ask"},{"startTime":200.295,"endTime":206.295,"body":"you about your thoughts on boundaries"},{"startTime":206.295,"endTime":209.805,"body":"and how you, how you help people"},{"startTime":206.295,"endTime":209.805,"body":"figure out what the heck they even are."},{"startTime":210.615,"endTime":211.335,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":211.335,"endTime":211.725,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":211.755,"endTime":214.095,"body":"That's such a great question"},{"startTime":211.755,"endTime":214.095,"body":"because you're right, it is"},{"startTime":214.095,"endTime":216.525,"body":"something that extends beyond."},{"startTime":217.079,"endTime":219.63,"body":"Ethical non-monogamy"},{"startTime":217.079,"endTime":219.63,"body":"or anything like that."},{"startTime":219.69,"endTime":226.769,"body":"So, you know, for me, boundaries are"},{"startTime":219.69,"endTime":226.769,"body":"really about relationship agreements."},{"startTime":227.07,"endTime":227.19,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":227.19,"endTime":227.28,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":227.609,"endTime":229.62,"body":"And they're about care."},{"startTime":229.62,"endTime":231.12,"body":"They're about safety."},{"startTime":231.63,"endTime":239.1,"body":"They are about being grounded in your"},{"startTime":231.63,"endTime":239.1,"body":"love and respect for another person."},{"startTime":239.73,"endTime":240.18,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":240.18,"endTime":242.1,"body":"And then, so I really do believe that."},{"startTime":242.745,"endTime":247.755,"body":"When we have good boundaries, we get"},{"startTime":242.745,"endTime":247.755,"body":"to show up as the best version of"},{"startTime":247.755,"endTime":252.075,"body":"ourselves in our relationships because"},{"startTime":247.755,"endTime":252.075,"body":"we're not worried about protecting"},{"startTime":252.075,"endTime":253.965,"body":"ourselves from our partners, right?"},{"startTime":253.965,"endTime":256.905,"body":"Like if things are just kind of out"},{"startTime":253.965,"endTime":256.905,"body":"there and it's like, Hey, you already"},{"startTime":256.905,"endTime":262.185,"body":"know there's no guessing, then it can"},{"startTime":256.905,"endTime":262.185,"body":"be easier to kind of have those real"},{"startTime":262.185,"endTime":268.515,"body":"and authentic, um, interactions and"},{"startTime":262.185,"endTime":268.515,"body":"conversations and all across the board."},{"startTime":269.715,"endTime":269.895,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":269.895,"endTime":271.065,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":271.545,"endTime":277.545,"body":"In your experience, what, what is the"},{"startTime":271.545,"endTime":277.545,"body":"difference between like setting a boundary"},{"startTime":278.235,"endTime":281.925,"body":"and like creating a wall or a barrier?"},{"startTime":284.835,"endTime":290.355,"body":"Uh, I think that, so, you know, when"},{"startTime":284.835,"endTime":290.355,"body":"we talk about like boundaries, a lot"},{"startTime":290.355,"endTime":294.435,"body":"of people think it means like putting"},{"startTime":290.355,"endTime":294.435,"body":"rules onto other people, Uhhuh, right?"},{"startTime":294.825,"endTime":295.935,"body":"And, you know."},{"startTime":296.46,"endTime":298.95,"body":"I love this idea of that."},{"startTime":298.95,"endTime":302.67,"body":"Like, no, a boundary is saying like,"},{"startTime":298.95,"endTime":302.67,"body":"this is what I am going to do, or"},{"startTime":302.67,"endTime":304.32,"body":"this is what I'm not going to do."},{"startTime":304.74,"endTime":305.13,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":305.61,"endTime":308.49,"body":"And rules are about pointing"},{"startTime":305.61,"endTime":308.49,"body":"the finger at the other person."},{"startTime":308.94,"endTime":310.02,"body":"You can't do this."},{"startTime":310.02,"endTime":312.42,"body":"You can't say this right now."},{"startTime":312.45,"endTime":315.18,"body":"Of course, the thing that a lot of my"},{"startTime":312.45,"endTime":315.18,"body":"clients will say to me, and they're"},{"startTime":315.18,"endTime":319.17,"body":"like, yeah, but in a relationship,"},{"startTime":315.18,"endTime":319.17,"body":"like if you set a boundary,"},{"startTime":319.95,"endTime":321.39,"body":"you know, that does impact me."},{"startTime":321.39,"endTime":321.84,"body":"And I'm like."},{"startTime":322.38,"endTime":324.21,"body":"Well, yes, because"},{"startTime":322.38,"endTime":324.21,"body":"you're in a relationship."},{"startTime":324.21,"endTime":326.039,"body":"That's what happens in"},{"startTime":324.21,"endTime":326.039,"body":"relationships, right?"},{"startTime":326.039,"endTime":330.06,"body":"So I think that, I think that"},{"startTime":326.039,"endTime":330.06,"body":"the boundaries can be an ongoing"},{"startTime":330.06,"endTime":336.539,"body":"conversation too, because as you know,"},{"startTime":330.06,"endTime":336.539,"body":"you may have a boundary in a certain"},{"startTime":336.539,"endTime":340.53,"body":"relationship, and then as you go and"},{"startTime":336.539,"endTime":340.53,"body":"your relationship develops, you're"},{"startTime":340.53,"endTime":345.419,"body":"like, oh, I actually don't think I need"},{"startTime":340.53,"endTime":345.419,"body":"that one, um, in quite the same way."},{"startTime":345.419,"endTime":347.039,"body":"Or, this feels different now."},{"startTime":347.039,"endTime":351.45,"body":"And so, you know, I reserve the right to"},{"startTime":347.039,"endTime":351.45,"body":"say, Hey, I wasn't okay with this before."},{"startTime":352.109,"endTime":357.27,"body":"And now I am, or I was okay with"},{"startTime":352.109,"endTime":357.27,"body":"something before and now I'm not."},{"startTime":357.63,"endTime":361.02,"body":"And so, you know, when I think"},{"startTime":357.63,"endTime":361.02,"body":"about, a lot of times we talk about"},{"startTime":361.02,"endTime":364.619,"body":"orientation with regard to like"},{"startTime":361.02,"endTime":364.619,"body":"attraction and sex, but I think about"},{"startTime":364.619,"endTime":369.03,"body":"orientation in regards to like how"},{"startTime":364.619,"endTime":369.03,"body":"you just approach anything in life."},{"startTime":369.51,"endTime":375.299,"body":"Um, and that the boundaries kind of"},{"startTime":369.51,"endTime":375.299,"body":"tell you what angle you're coming from."},{"startTime":376.304,"endTime":379.965,"body":"And when we communicate our boundaries"},{"startTime":376.304,"endTime":379.965,"body":"to partners, then that kind of"},{"startTime":380.085,"endTime":381.674,"body":"communicates, Hey, this is where I'm at."},{"startTime":381.674,"endTime":384.765,"body":"This is my location around"},{"startTime":381.674,"endTime":384.765,"body":"this particular topic."},{"startTime":384.82,"endTime":385.169,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":385.755,"endTime":385.844,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":386.474,"endTime":386.864,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":387.255,"endTime":387.525,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":387.734,"endTime":388.034,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":388.034,"endTime":395.789,"body":"It feels like such a. Kind of"},{"startTime":388.034,"endTime":395.789,"body":"like this thing that's hard to"},{"startTime":395.789,"endTime":397.5,"body":"define or hard to figure out."},{"startTime":397.5,"endTime":400.68,"body":"And like most of us just don't even"},{"startTime":397.5,"endTime":400.68,"body":"know what they are until we like"},{"startTime":400.68,"endTime":404.37,"body":"run smack dab into 'em and then"},{"startTime":400.68,"endTime":404.37,"body":"we're like, oh, I don't like that."},{"startTime":405.09,"endTime":406.26,"body":"What's going on here?"},{"startTime":406.62,"endTime":409.53,"body":"And I wonder it, you know, as you"},{"startTime":406.62,"endTime":409.53,"body":"were describing the difference between"},{"startTime":409.53,"endTime":412.83,"body":"like boundaries and rules, I was"},{"startTime":409.53,"endTime":412.83,"body":"thinking, oh my God, that's how, that's"},{"startTime":412.83,"endTime":414.33,"body":"how we're taught growing up, right?"},{"startTime":414.33,"endTime":415.38,"body":"Like, you can't do that."},{"startTime":415.38,"endTime":416.13,"body":"Don't do these things."},{"startTime":416.13,"endTime":419.055,"body":"Even if like our parent is setting a"},{"startTime":416.13,"endTime":419.055,"body":"boundary, like you can't pull my hair."},{"startTime":419.755,"endTime":421.71,"body":"Then, then we get in trouble, right?"},{"startTime":421.71,"endTime":424.71,"body":"Like, like it, it is a rule,"},{"startTime":421.71,"endTime":424.71,"body":"like, you can't pull my hair"},{"startTime":424.8,"endTime":425.88,"body":"or you're gonna be in trouble."},{"startTime":425.88,"endTime":428.94,"body":"And so that's how we, we then grow up"},{"startTime":425.88,"endTime":428.94,"body":"and start doing that with our partners."},{"startTime":429.21,"endTime":430.35,"body":"Like, this is my boundary."},{"startTime":430.41,"endTime":430.56,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":430.8,"endTime":433.2,"body":"But like, you're gonna be in trouble, Mr."},{"startTime":435.57,"endTime":436.26,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":436.29,"endTime":436.8,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":437.4,"endTime":442.14,"body":"And really like, you know, if, if"},{"startTime":437.4,"endTime":442.14,"body":"boundaries are set up and communicated"},{"startTime":442.14,"endTime":446.88,"body":"well, I think that it's actually an"},{"startTime":442.14,"endTime":446.88,"body":"invitation to say, this is how to love me."},{"startTime":447.255,"endTime":447.555,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":447.555,"endTime":452.865,"body":"I'm gonna teach you how to love me"},{"startTime":447.555,"endTime":452.865,"body":"and here are my left and right lateral"},{"startTime":452.865,"endTime":454.995,"body":"limits, but it really is about."},{"startTime":455.925,"endTime":459.165,"body":"You know, if I'm in relationship with"},{"startTime":455.925,"endTime":459.165,"body":"somebody, I wanna be able to love them"},{"startTime":459.165,"endTime":464.565,"body":"well, and I wanna know where their edges"},{"startTime":459.165,"endTime":464.565,"body":"are so that I can protect those edges"},{"startTime":464.565,"endTime":468.735,"body":"and I can be mindful of those edges and"},{"startTime":464.565,"endTime":468.735,"body":"not accidentally go barreling through."},{"startTime":468.735,"endTime":470.475,"body":"I'm originally from New Jersey, right?"},{"startTime":470.475,"endTime":473.295,"body":"So I have barreled through"},{"startTime":470.475,"endTime":473.295,"body":"plenty of things in my life."},{"startTime":473.595,"endTime":473.925,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":474.255,"endTime":478.365,"body":"And so it is personally helpful to"},{"startTime":474.255,"endTime":478.365,"body":"me if I know where your edges are."},{"startTime":478.905,"endTime":480.255,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":480.315,"endTime":481.095,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":481.095,"endTime":481.695,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":482.025,"endTime":484.845,"body":"How, how do you help people figure out."},{"startTime":485.145,"endTime":488.745,"body":"Like what their boundaries are,"},{"startTime":485.145,"endTime":488.745,"body":"how they would, how to express 'em."},{"startTime":490.335,"endTime":490.875,"body":"Hmm."},{"startTime":588.015,"endTime":591.585,"body":"I really love teaching people"},{"startTime":588.015,"endTime":591.585,"body":"how to use their bodies."},{"startTime":591.915,"endTime":592.035,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":592.275,"endTime":592.6949999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":592.6949999999999,"endTime":598.335,"body":"And saying, um, you know, I had a,"},{"startTime":592.6949999999999,"endTime":598.335,"body":"a colleague of mine who is this like"},{"startTime":598.365,"endTime":605.235,"body":"incredible surrogate partner and, uh, they"},{"startTime":598.365,"endTime":605.235,"body":"do this exercise with their clients where."},{"startTime":605.655,"endTime":609.405,"body":"They have the client say yes"},{"startTime":605.655,"endTime":609.405,"body":"to a whole bunch of things."},{"startTime":609.405,"endTime":613.635,"body":"Nothing happens, but they just feel how"},{"startTime":609.405,"endTime":613.635,"body":"a yes feels to this whole list of things."},{"startTime":613.875,"endTime":617.5350000000001,"body":"And then they feel how"},{"startTime":613.875,"endTime":617.5350000000001,"body":"a no feels, you know?"},{"startTime":617.5350000000001,"endTime":621.825,"body":"And like again, nothing is"},{"startTime":617.5350000000001,"endTime":621.825,"body":"happening while they're doing that."},{"startTime":621.825,"endTime":627.7049999999999,"body":"They're just practicing being"},{"startTime":621.825,"endTime":627.7049999999999,"body":"asked and saying yes and no, and"},{"startTime":627.7049999999999,"endTime":634.095,"body":"learning, oh, I wanted to say no,"},{"startTime":627.7049999999999,"endTime":634.095,"body":"but because I'm in this exercise."},{"startTime":634.6199999999999,"endTime":638.3399999999999,"body":"I said Yes, and I, I felt that right?"},{"startTime":638.345,"endTime":638.375,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":638.3799999999999,"endTime":639.0550000000001,"body":"So I felt that."},{"startTime":639.2750000000001,"endTime":642.8399999999999,"body":"So one of the ways that I teach"},{"startTime":639.2750000000001,"endTime":642.8399999999999,"body":"clients about their boundaries is"},{"startTime":642.8399999999999,"endTime":647.6700000000001,"body":"to listen to that inner knowing"},{"startTime":642.8399999999999,"endTime":647.6700000000001,"body":"of, oh, this doesn't feel good."},{"startTime":647.7,"endTime":652.47,"body":"And maybe it's not a no never"},{"startTime":647.7,"endTime":652.47,"body":"under any circumstances."},{"startTime":652.47,"endTime":656.04,"body":"Maybe it's a, this is too fast, right?"},{"startTime":656.04,"endTime":658.1099999999999,"body":"So maybe there's a speed issue."},{"startTime":658.5,"endTime":662.145,"body":"Maybe there's a. Connection issue."},{"startTime":662.325,"endTime":662.655,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":662.655,"endTime":667.935,"body":"I would love to do that with you,"},{"startTime":662.655,"endTime":667.935,"body":"and I need to feel this level of"},{"startTime":667.935,"endTime":669.7349999999999,"body":"connection before I can do that."},{"startTime":670.2149999999999,"endTime":670.395,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":670.395,"endTime":670.6949999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":671.145,"endTime":676.635,"body":"So that's one of the, I think that"},{"startTime":671.145,"endTime":676.635,"body":"is probably my go-to with most that's"},{"startTime":676.635,"endTime":679.575,"body":"powerful people, is to teach them"},{"startTime":676.635,"endTime":679.575,"body":"how to feel that in their bodies."},{"startTime":679.575,"endTime":679.935,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":680.2349999999999,"endTime":680.625,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":680.655,"endTime":681.9449999999999,"body":"That's so powerful."},{"startTime":681.9449999999999,"endTime":684.1949999999999,"body":"I find when I'm working with clients."},{"startTime":684.5550000000001,"endTime":688.935,"body":"So many people like, like troubles"},{"startTime":684.5550000000001,"endTime":688.935,"body":"in non-monogamous relationships."},{"startTime":689.4749999999999,"endTime":693.3699999999999,"body":"So many of them stem from a partner"},{"startTime":689.4749999999999,"endTime":693.3699999999999,"body":"saying yes when they're really a no."},{"startTime":694.8599999999999,"endTime":695.309,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":695.309,"endTime":698.789,"body":"Like they're into things that they"},{"startTime":695.309,"endTime":698.789,"body":"don't wanna agree to because they're"},{"startTime":698.789,"endTime":702.24,"body":"scared of the fallout, or they just"},{"startTime":698.789,"endTime":702.24,"body":"don't feel like they can, or they aren't"},{"startTime":702.24,"endTime":703.6790000000001,"body":"even sure that it's a no for them."},{"startTime":703.6790000000001,"endTime":705.75,"body":"They're just like, uh, sure."},{"startTime":705.75,"endTime":706.6489999999999,"body":"Do that thing."},{"startTime":706.799,"endTime":710.279,"body":"And they aren't aware of what that"},{"startTime":706.799,"endTime":710.279,"body":"no feels like in their body, or"},{"startTime":710.279,"endTime":713.9090000000001,"body":"how empowering it would feel to"},{"startTime":710.279,"endTime":713.9090000000001,"body":"like go, no, this is a no for me."},{"startTime":713.9090000000001,"endTime":717.299,"body":"Now let's talk about all the things"},{"startTime":713.9090000000001,"endTime":717.299,"body":"around it and see what is a yes."},{"startTime":718.23,"endTime":718.74,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":719.1890000000001,"endTime":719.6690000000001,"body":"yeah,"},{"startTime":719.6690000000001,"endTime":719.671,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":720.299,"endTime":721.1099999999999,"body":"That's so good."},{"startTime":721.2,"endTime":721.95,"body":"I love that."},{"startTime":723.4949999999999,"endTime":724.5440000000001,"body":"Oh, yay."},{"startTime":725.2639999999999,"endTime":725.769,"body":"I love that."},{"startTime":725.865,"endTime":726.855,"body":"That is so good."},{"startTime":728.0239999999999,"endTime":733.0049999999999,"body":"And we use that same kind of thing around"},{"startTime":728.0239999999999,"endTime":733.0049999999999,"body":"learning, uh, around consent, right?"},{"startTime":733.0049999999999,"endTime":739.904,"body":"Like in, in, um, sexual scenarios,"},{"startTime":733.0049999999999,"endTime":739.904,"body":"parties, uh, teaching consent."},{"startTime":740.384,"endTime":742.424,"body":"We use that same kind of"},{"startTime":740.384,"endTime":742.424,"body":"thing, like saying yes or no."},{"startTime":742.424,"endTime":743.7449999999999,"body":"Like, can I lick your eyeball?"},{"startTime":744.7049999999999,"endTime":745.365,"body":"No."},{"startTime":745.424,"endTime":745.7549999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":745.9949999999999,"endTime":747.615,"body":"Do you feel out chasing, saying no?"},{"startTime":747.7349999999999,"endTime":748.605,"body":"Like, it's fine."},{"startTime":748.605,"endTime":749.8040000000001,"body":"You didn't get in trouble, you."},{"startTime":751.095,"endTime":753.885,"body":"You weren't shamed for saying no"},{"startTime":751.095,"endTime":753.885,"body":"to this thing you didn't want."},{"startTime":754.905,"endTime":754.9949999999999,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":755.925,"endTime":757.0049999999999,"body":"Yeah, yeah,"},{"startTime":757.065,"endTime":757.605,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":757.875,"endTime":762.105,"body":"But there's so many messages"},{"startTime":757.875,"endTime":762.105,"body":"about who we're supposed to be"},{"startTime":762.105,"endTime":763.935,"body":"in our relationships, right?"},{"startTime":763.935,"endTime":763.9949999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":763.9949999999999,"endTime":767.5049999999999,"body":"And how we're supposed to"},{"startTime":763.9949999999999,"endTime":767.5049999999999,"body":"show up in our relationships."},{"startTime":767.6700000000001,"endTime":768.0899999999999,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":768.27,"endTime":768.69,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":768.7750000000001,"endTime":768.825,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":769.875,"endTime":770.385,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":770.4449999999999,"endTime":773.685,"body":"And it's so weird because it feels"},{"startTime":770.4449999999999,"endTime":773.685,"body":"like most people don't want those"},{"startTime":773.685,"endTime":775.2750000000001,"body":"things, and yet we're all doing them."},{"startTime":777.2249999999999,"endTime":778.605,"body":"It's so true."},{"startTime":778.635,"endTime":779.625,"body":"It is so true."},{"startTime":780.2249999999999,"endTime":780.675,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":780.825,"endTime":781.185,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":781.425,"endTime":782.865,"body":"Amazing, amazing."},{"startTime":784.125,"endTime":790.2149999999999,"body":"I'm curious, are you, are you"},{"startTime":784.125,"endTime":790.2149999999999,"body":"tell me this, what is your"},{"startTime":790.2149999999999,"endTime":794.2950000000001,"body":"experience with non-monogamy or"},{"startTime":790.2149999999999,"endTime":794.2950000000001,"body":"what is your relationship style?"},{"startTime":794.2950000000001,"endTime":794.4749999999999,"body":"Like?"},{"startTime":794.4749999999999,"endTime":796.634,"body":"How, what's your lens that"},{"startTime":794.4749999999999,"endTime":796.634,"body":"you see all this through?"},{"startTime":797.655,"endTime":798.375,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":799.395,"endTime":801.884,"body":"This is always interesting"},{"startTime":799.395,"endTime":801.884,"body":"for me to answer, so."},{"startTime":803.325,"endTime":811.4849999999999,"body":"Let me start with, so I, I understand"},{"startTime":803.325,"endTime":811.4849999999999,"body":"myself as bi in the sense that, um, I"},{"startTime":811.4849999999999,"endTime":815.9849999999999,"body":"am a, as my, some of my Gen Z clients"},{"startTime":811.4849999999999,"endTime":815.9849999999999,"body":"call me a geriatric millennial."},{"startTime":816.2249999999999,"endTime":821.325,"body":"So the word pan didn't exist back then,"},{"startTime":816.2249999999999,"endTime":821.325,"body":"and I fought real hard to be okay with bi."},{"startTime":821.625,"endTime":829.7249999999999,"body":"Um, but like, you know, my partners,"},{"startTime":821.625,"endTime":829.7249999999999,"body":"I, I choose partners like with really."},{"startTime":830.595,"endTime":837.135,"body":"All but no consideration to gender other"},{"startTime":830.595,"endTime":837.135,"body":"than like, Hey, I probably do need to"},{"startTime":837.135,"endTime":840.645,"body":"know that about you at some point to"},{"startTime":837.135,"endTime":840.645,"body":"be able to like love and respect you."},{"startTime":840.645,"endTime":846.0150000000001,"body":"Well, but it is like I, you know, I"},{"startTime":840.645,"endTime":846.0150000000001,"body":"care about it less than their credit"},{"startTime":846.0150000000001,"endTime":848.085,"body":"score and more than their eye color."},{"startTime":848.175,"endTime":852.405,"body":"Maybe I don't like, you"},{"startTime":848.175,"endTime":852.405,"body":"know, it's very low."},{"startTime":853.44,"endTime":858.0,"body":"So, um, I wanna know if you like,"},{"startTime":853.44,"endTime":858.0,"body":"make your dog sit at home for 12 hours"},{"startTime":858.0,"endTime":859.6199999999999,"body":"at a time before you let them out."},{"startTime":859.6500000000001,"endTime":859.8900000000001,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":859.8900000000001,"endTime":859.9200000000001,"body":"Uhhuh?"},{"startTime":860.1600000000001,"endTime":861.21,"body":"Like, those are the things I care about."},{"startTime":861.21,"endTime":863.28,"body":"So, so there's, there's"},{"startTime":861.21,"endTime":863.28,"body":"that piece over there."},{"startTime":863.28,"endTime":868.8900000000001,"body":"And then, um, when it comes to my"},{"startTime":863.28,"endTime":868.8900000000001,"body":"orientation to relationship structures,"},{"startTime":868.8900000000001,"endTime":873.1800000000001,"body":"I think, you know, like most people,"},{"startTime":868.8900000000001,"endTime":873.1800000000001,"body":"I grew up in a wildly heteronormative."},{"startTime":873.9000000000001,"endTime":877.44,"body":"Um, household and culture and society."},{"startTime":877.44,"endTime":878.79,"body":"I grew up Catholic."},{"startTime":879.27,"endTime":879.99,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":880.259,"endTime":883.8599999999999,"body":"You know, I mean, when my parents"},{"startTime":880.259,"endTime":883.8599999999999,"body":"got divorced, like my mom would not"},{"startTime":883.8599999999999,"endTime":885.99,"body":"date until she got an annulment."},{"startTime":886.02,"endTime":886.3799999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":886.3799999999999,"endTime":888.21,"body":"Like, like real."},{"startTime":888.54,"endTime":888.99,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":889.56,"endTime":893.759,"body":"You know, and so, so I think"},{"startTime":889.56,"endTime":893.759,"body":"there was a lot of that."},{"startTime":894.5550000000001,"endTime":899.085,"body":"But for me, you know, when I started"},{"startTime":894.5550000000001,"endTime":899.085,"body":"like learning about different"},{"startTime":899.085,"endTime":902.174,"body":"relationship structures and stuff"},{"startTime":899.085,"endTime":902.174,"body":"like that, I never had like an"},{"startTime":902.174,"endTime":904.7840000000001,"body":"internal, it never sounded wrong to me."},{"startTime":905.115,"endTime":906.9749999999999,"body":"I was just kind of like, oh, okay."},{"startTime":907.4549999999999,"endTime":912.7349999999999,"body":"Um, and at the same time, like I was"},{"startTime":907.4549999999999,"endTime":912.7349999999999,"body":"an introvert and really shy and I was"},{"startTime":912.7349999999999,"endTime":918.0440000000001,"body":"kind of nerdy and so like figuring"},{"startTime":912.7349999999999,"endTime":918.0440000000001,"body":"out how to date one person, hopefully."},{"startTime":919.154,"endTime":920.085,"body":"Its own thing."},{"startTime":920.5340000000001,"endTime":924.164,"body":"And these days, you"},{"startTime":920.5340000000001,"endTime":924.164,"body":"know, I'm 42 now, right?"},{"startTime":924.164,"endTime":929.8040000000001,"body":"And I'm like, I have a partner who I love,"},{"startTime":924.164,"endTime":929.8040000000001,"body":"um, and I have a business I'm running."},{"startTime":929.8040000000001,"endTime":933.4949999999999,"body":"And so like when I, when I think about"},{"startTime":929.8040000000001,"endTime":933.4949999999999,"body":"this, I'm like, I don't know, can I"},{"startTime":933.4949999999999,"endTime":939.7639999999999,"body":"be polys saturated with one person"},{"startTime":933.4949999999999,"endTime":939.7639999999999,"body":"because I'm tired, Uhhuh, I'm busy and"},{"startTime":939.7639999999999,"endTime":942.7639999999999,"body":"feel pulled in so many directions in."},{"startTime":943.53,"endTime":949.6199999999999,"body":"The best ways, but also like in this"},{"startTime":943.53,"endTime":949.6199999999999,"body":"idea of if I stop and think, could I"},{"startTime":949.6199999999999,"endTime":956.52,"body":"show up in a meaningful way in the,"},{"startTime":949.6199999999999,"endTime":956.52,"body":"like with my favorite self, right?"},{"startTime":956.52,"endTime":959.52,"body":"The self that I love to"},{"startTime":956.52,"endTime":959.52,"body":"bring into my relationships."},{"startTime":959.94,"endTime":962.1600000000001,"body":"Could I do that now with another person?"},{"startTime":962.73,"endTime":965.73,"body":"I, I'm like, if you can figure"},{"startTime":962.73,"endTime":965.73,"body":"out how to stick that in my"},{"startTime":965.73,"endTime":966.96,"body":"calendar, I am open to it."},{"startTime":969.99,"endTime":971.2950000000001,"body":"This, and."},{"startTime":972.4949999999999,"endTime":976.365,"body":"I where, like, where is,"},{"startTime":972.4949999999999,"endTime":976.365,"body":"where is that person going?"},{"startTime":976.365,"endTime":976.6949999999999,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":976.6949999999999,"endTime":982.3050000000001,"body":"So, so that is my very long drawn out"},{"startTime":976.6949999999999,"endTime":982.3050000000001,"body":"response to like, what, where, who am I?"},{"startTime":982.3050000000001,"endTime":984.2249999999999,"body":"What am I, what's my orientation?"},{"startTime":984.2549999999999,"endTime":989.835,"body":"I think it's, it's not monogamous"},{"startTime":984.2549999999999,"endTime":989.835,"body":"and it is not practicing anything"},{"startTime":990.435,"endTime":995.355,"body":"non monogamous in a meaningful way"},{"startTime":990.435,"endTime":995.355,"body":"right now because life is just."},{"startTime":996.644,"endTime":997.634,"body":"Lifeing happening."},{"startTime":998.565,"endTime":999.0139999999999,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":999.0440000000001,"endTime":1000.664,"body":"Life is just ing Yes."},{"startTime":1000.7840000000001,"endTime":1001.2049999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1001.2049999999999,"endTime":1002.615,"body":"And it's amazing."},{"startTime":1002.615,"endTime":1003.3050000000001,"body":"It's amazing."},{"startTime":1003.3050000000001,"endTime":1003.365,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1003.365,"endTime":1006.7549999999999,"body":"But like, I, I wanna be a good partner."},{"startTime":1006.7549999999999,"endTime":1008.9449999999999,"body":"I don't wanna be like a"},{"startTime":1006.7549999999999,"endTime":1008.9449999999999,"body":"bad partner, you know?"},{"startTime":1008.9449999999999,"endTime":1012.0340000000001,"body":"Like, I don't wanna be like"},{"startTime":1008.9449999999999,"endTime":1012.0340000000001,"body":"the disconnected, distracted,"},{"startTime":1012.095,"endTime":1019.4449999999999,"body":"tired, unfulfilled, uh, just"},{"startTime":1012.095,"endTime":1019.4449999999999,"body":"kind of, you know, bag of rocks."},{"startTime":1019.595,"endTime":1021.095,"body":"Like, that's not who I wanna be."},{"startTime":1021.335,"endTime":1021.7549999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1022.2940000000001,"endTime":1022.685,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1023.0440000000001,"endTime":1023.1949999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1023.1949999999999,"endTime":1024.725,"body":"I, I think more people need to hear that."},{"startTime":1026.9,"endTime":1027.92,"body":"Oh, good ahead."},{"startTime":1028.4,"endTime":1028.61,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1028.615,"endTime":1028.625,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1029.78,"endTime":1032.42,"body":"I mean, yeah, polys saturated with one."},{"startTime":1032.75,"endTime":1033.05,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1033.62,"endTime":1033.86,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1033.86,"endTime":1037.61,"body":"I think people need to hear that"},{"startTime":1033.86,"endTime":1037.61,"body":"like, like that it's, it's all valid"},{"startTime":1038.09,"endTime":1041.21,"body":"at, you know, 'cause so many people"},{"startTime":1038.09,"endTime":1041.21,"body":"are like, kind of treat monogamy and"},{"startTime":1041.21,"endTime":1042.65,"body":"non-monogamy as like a light switch."},{"startTime":1042.65,"endTime":1046.035,"body":"Like it's for on, and I'm"},{"startTime":1042.65,"endTime":1046.035,"body":"like, actually, mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1046.1299999999999,"endTime":1049.67,"body":"Like you can just be how you feel."},{"startTime":1050.659,"endTime":1054.98,"body":"Without actively doing"},{"startTime":1050.659,"endTime":1054.98,"body":"everything under the sun."},{"startTime":1056.93,"endTime":1057.83,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1057.86,"endTime":1058.399,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1058.399,"endTime":1062.57,"body":"Well, and you know, I think also as"},{"startTime":1058.399,"endTime":1062.57,"body":"I've learned, I've spent more time"},{"startTime":1062.57,"endTime":1066.44,"body":"like in this world and working with"},{"startTime":1062.57,"endTime":1066.44,"body":"so many poly couples and I really,"},{"startTime":1066.529,"endTime":1070.58,"body":"there's something about like the"},{"startTime":1066.529,"endTime":1070.58,"body":"relationship anarchy structure that"},{"startTime":1070.58,"endTime":1078.95,"body":"I love and, um, this permission"},{"startTime":1070.58,"endTime":1078.95,"body":"giving to not just value my romantic."},{"startTime":1079.264,"endTime":1083.284,"body":"Relationships, but also to really"},{"startTime":1079.264,"endTime":1083.284,"body":"kind of, you know, wrap my arms"},{"startTime":1083.284,"endTime":1087.274,"body":"around and hold dear all of these"},{"startTime":1083.284,"endTime":1087.274,"body":"other relationships that I have."},{"startTime":1087.274,"endTime":1091.894,"body":"And so my life feels very full in"},{"startTime":1087.274,"endTime":1091.894,"body":"that way, even if it's not with"},{"startTime":1092.2549999999999,"endTime":1094.654,"body":"multiple romantic or sexual partners."},{"startTime":1094.835,"endTime":1095.2549999999999,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":1095.674,"endTime":1096.065,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":1096.245,"endTime":1096.575,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1096.875,"endTime":1097.355,"body":"That's amazing."},{"startTime":1097.445,"endTime":1099.935,"body":"I've been, I've been thinking about,"},{"startTime":1097.445,"endTime":1099.935,"body":"this has kind of been a theme that"},{"startTime":1099.935,"endTime":1102.424,"body":"I've been thinking about a lot over"},{"startTime":1099.935,"endTime":1102.424,"body":"the last couple of months is community"},{"startTime":1102.695,"endTime":1105.605,"body":"and how stinking important it is."},{"startTime":1106.235,"endTime":1109.805,"body":"For all of us, for all of us, with"},{"startTime":1106.235,"endTime":1109.805,"body":"everything happening in the world,"},{"startTime":1110.105,"endTime":1114.784,"body":"and especially for non-monogamous"},{"startTime":1110.105,"endTime":1114.784,"body":"folks, because most of us have"},{"startTime":1115.355,"endTime":1117.575,"body":"mostly monogamous friends and family."},{"startTime":1117.575,"endTime":1122.0739999999998,"body":"And so there's a, a, a feeling of"},{"startTime":1117.575,"endTime":1122.0739999999998,"body":"isolation and, and so having community,"},{"startTime":1122.0739999999998,"endTime":1126.7839999999999,"body":"having, just knowing people that are"},{"startTime":1122.0739999999998,"endTime":1126.7839999999999,"body":"doing things similar to you is so"},{"startTime":1126.8139999999999,"endTime":1128.885,"body":"like, so comforting and so helpful."},{"startTime":1128.885,"endTime":1133.5049999999999,"body":"And, and we definitely need to"},{"startTime":1128.885,"endTime":1133.5049999999999,"body":"value like our friends and our."},{"startTime":1134.104,"endTime":1137.644,"body":"Just the, the people that are around"},{"startTime":1134.104,"endTime":1137.644,"body":"us and where we're spending our time."},{"startTime":1138.0639999999999,"endTime":1138.394,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1138.604,"endTime":1139.144,"body":"A hundred percent."},{"startTime":1141.455,"endTime":1142.024,"body":"A hundred percent."},{"startTime":1144.7549999999999,"endTime":1146.5549999999998,"body":"Well, I'm so glad I make sense to you."},{"startTime":1147.394,"endTime":1147.935,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":1149.8239999999998,"endTime":1150.5449999999998,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":1152.195,"endTime":1152.884,"body":"Okay, cool."},{"startTime":1153.0349999999999,"endTime":1156.874,"body":"So, so knowing that, I find that"},{"startTime":1153.0349999999999,"endTime":1156.874,"body":"really helpful, knowing like"},{"startTime":1156.874,"endTime":1158.3149999999998,"body":"where people are coming from."},{"startTime":1158.705,"endTime":1159.905,"body":"And I've, um mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1160.325,"endTime":1165.455,"body":"I see that you've written a lot"},{"startTime":1160.325,"endTime":1165.455,"body":"about like emotional integrity, uh,"},{"startTime":1165.485,"endTime":1170.105,"body":"and I'm, I'm wondering how people"},{"startTime":1165.485,"endTime":1170.105,"body":"who are non-monogamous, how can"},{"startTime":1170.105,"endTime":1174.935,"body":"folks who are non-monogamous uphold"},{"startTime":1170.105,"endTime":1174.935,"body":"their emotional, their emotional"},{"startTime":1174.935,"endTime":1177.995,"body":"integrity while they're navigating"},{"startTime":1174.935,"endTime":1177.995,"body":"multiple partners, partnerships?"},{"startTime":1177.995,"endTime":1182.0449999999998,"body":"Like what are the, what are the kind of"},{"startTime":1177.995,"endTime":1182.0449999999998,"body":"the key things that that come up there?"},{"startTime":1183.7089999999998,"endTime":1188.2089999999998,"body":"Yeah, I mean, I've, I end up writing"},{"startTime":1183.7089999999998,"endTime":1188.2089999999998,"body":"a lot about, I think presence is a big"},{"startTime":1188.2089999999998,"endTime":1191.0,"body":"word that I use all the time, right?"},{"startTime":1191.0,"endTime":1191.001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1191.0059999999999,"endTime":1195.77,"body":"And I think that, you know, one of"},{"startTime":1191.0059999999999,"endTime":1195.77,"body":"the relationships that I often have to"},{"startTime":1195.77,"endTime":1202.729,"body":"remind my individuals and couple and poly"},{"startTime":1195.77,"endTime":1202.729,"body":"keel clients is about the relationship"},{"startTime":1202.729,"endTime":1204.56,"body":"that they have with themselves, right?"},{"startTime":1204.56,"endTime":1209.7189999999998,"body":"And that's, you, you need"},{"startTime":1204.56,"endTime":1209.7189999999998,"body":"time to check in, right?"},{"startTime":1209.7189999999998,"endTime":1210.979,"body":"Like, you know."},{"startTime":1211.384,"endTime":1215.914,"body":"How do I feel about something while I'm"},{"startTime":1211.384,"endTime":1215.914,"body":"running from one task to the, to the next?"},{"startTime":1215.945,"endTime":1216.634,"body":"No."},{"startTime":1216.874,"endTime":1217.114,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1217.114,"endTime":1218.404,"body":"That's not quality time."},{"startTime":1218.854,"endTime":1219.0349999999999,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1219.245,"endTime":1219.3049999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1219.7549999999999,"endTime":1223.2949999999998,"body":"So I think, you know, whether that's"},{"startTime":1219.7549999999999,"endTime":1223.2949999999998,"body":"sitting down and journaling, whether"},{"startTime":1223.2949999999998,"endTime":1229.864,"body":"that's going for a walk, you know,"},{"startTime":1223.2949999999998,"endTime":1229.864,"body":"um, and taking time to actually be"},{"startTime":1229.924,"endTime":1234.1989999999998,"body":"with yourself is really important."},{"startTime":1234.5149999999999,"endTime":1237.995,"body":"And asking like, how do I feel about this?"},{"startTime":1237.995,"endTime":1239.0449999999998,"body":"Or, oh."},{"startTime":1239.945,"endTime":1242.0449999999998,"body":"That landed funny for me."},{"startTime":1242.0449999999998,"endTime":1243.935,"body":"Like, let me sit with that for a minute."},{"startTime":1243.995,"endTime":1244.475,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":1244.475,"endTime":1247.955,"body":"And maybe I think that sometimes"},{"startTime":1244.475,"endTime":1247.955,"body":"we're afraid to discover things"},{"startTime":1247.955,"endTime":1249.245,"body":"about ourselves that we don't like."},{"startTime":1249.245,"endTime":1249.965,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1250.8049999999998,"endTime":1251.3149999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1251.585,"endTime":1257.615,"body":"And so when we talk about emotional"},{"startTime":1251.585,"endTime":1257.615,"body":"integrity, like we can't just be all about"},{"startTime":1257.615,"endTime":1259.325,"body":"the happy emotions, even with ourselves."},{"startTime":1259.325,"endTime":1266.225,"body":"It has to be like, oh, I, I don't like"},{"startTime":1259.325,"endTime":1266.225,"body":"how I showed up in that situation."},{"startTime":1267.604,"endTime":1268.384,"body":"That's not okay."},{"startTime":1268.5649999999998,"endTime":1272.614,"body":"Not even about the other person, but like,"},{"startTime":1268.5649999999998,"endTime":1272.614,"body":"is that okay with me, how I showed up?"},{"startTime":1272.735,"endTime":1272.945,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1273.154,"endTime":1273.5449999999998,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1274.0549999999998,"endTime":1277.7749999999999,"body":"Um, so I think that that's"},{"startTime":1274.0549999999998,"endTime":1277.7749999999999,"body":"one, uh, one way to do it is to"},{"startTime":1277.8049999999998,"endTime":1280.475,"body":"really spend time with yourself."},{"startTime":1280.925,"endTime":1281.0739999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1281.0739999999998,"endTime":1281.3439999999998,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1281.3439999999998,"endTime":1285.185,"body":"And to, to have a deep"},{"startTime":1281.3439999999998,"endTime":1285.185,"body":"conversation with yourself."},{"startTime":1285.185,"endTime":1289.205,"body":"I think, again, journaling is"},{"startTime":1285.185,"endTime":1289.205,"body":"like probably one of the more"},{"startTime":1289.205,"endTime":1291.904,"body":"popular ways to do that, but I"},{"startTime":1289.205,"endTime":1291.904,"body":"also think that just kind of."},{"startTime":1293.36,"endTime":1295.1599999999999,"body":"Going for a walk, being in nature."},{"startTime":1295.1599999999999,"endTime":1299.33,"body":"I love taking my dog for a walk down"},{"startTime":1295.1599999999999,"endTime":1299.33,"body":"to our like mailbox, which it's about"},{"startTime":1299.33,"endTime":1302.1799999999998,"body":"a mile and a half, like round trip."},{"startTime":1302.1799999999998,"endTime":1302.45,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1302.45,"endTime":1308.6899999999998,"body":"So it's a nice like 15, 20 minute walk"},{"startTime":1302.45,"endTime":1308.6899999999998,"body":"and um, and not taking headphones, right?"},{"startTime":1308.6899999999998,"endTime":1312.53,"body":"Not listening to a podcast,"},{"startTime":1308.6899999999998,"endTime":1312.53,"body":"just kind of being in the"},{"startTime":1312.53,"endTime":1315.6499999999999,"body":"moment, being present, and then."},{"startTime":1316.0839999999998,"endTime":1319.8049999999998,"body":"Then kind of seeing where, where"},{"startTime":1316.0839999999998,"endTime":1319.8049999999998,"body":"do my thoughts go, you know, and"},{"startTime":1319.8339999999998,"endTime":1323.465,"body":"how am I feeling about things"},{"startTime":1319.8339999999998,"endTime":1323.465,"body":"right now in just kind of this"},{"startTime":1323.8239999999998,"endTime":1326.165,"body":"really low stakes quiet space?"},{"startTime":1326.729,"endTime":1329.137,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":1329.3439999999998,"endTime":1330.364,"body":"It makes me think of shower."},{"startTime":1330.425,"endTime":1332.0739999999998,"body":"Shower thoughts, right?"},{"startTime":1332.0739999999998,"endTime":1336.935,"body":"Like, yes, just hanging out in the hot"},{"startTime":1332.0739999999998,"endTime":1336.935,"body":"water, thinking all the, all the thoughts."},{"startTime":1337.654,"endTime":1338.2549999999999,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1338.2849999999999,"endTime":1338.705,"body":"Coming up."},{"startTime":1341.09,"endTime":1342.35,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":1342.53,"endTime":1346.55,"body":"I love presence and it makes,"},{"startTime":1342.53,"endTime":1346.55,"body":"that makes me think of the time we"},{"startTime":1346.55,"endTime":1349.37,"body":"need to integrate changes, right?"},{"startTime":1349.37,"endTime":1352.1899999999998,"body":"When relationships are going through"},{"startTime":1349.37,"endTime":1352.1899999999998,"body":"changes or just our life is going through"},{"startTime":1352.1899999999998,"endTime":1357.95,"body":"changes, having the time and space to"},{"startTime":1352.1899999999998,"endTime":1357.95,"body":"let it anchor in or settle in, or just"},{"startTime":1358.1299999999999,"endTime":1361.97,"body":"process, you have to be present with"},{"startTime":1358.1299999999999,"endTime":1361.97,"body":"that instead of like going from one thing"},{"startTime":1361.97,"endTime":1363.53,"body":"to the next, to the next, to the next."},{"startTime":1364.61,"endTime":1365.06,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1366.1699999999998,"endTime":1369.8899999999999,"body":"As you're saying this, I'm thinking"},{"startTime":1366.1699999999998,"endTime":1369.8899999999999,"body":"about a session that I had earlier this"},{"startTime":1369.8899999999999,"endTime":1375.29,"body":"week where the person had emailed me"},{"startTime":1369.8899999999999,"endTime":1375.29,"body":"and was like, Hey, I wanna come in and"},{"startTime":1375.29,"endTime":1381.6499999999999,"body":"talk to you about, like, working through"},{"startTime":1375.29,"endTime":1381.6499999999999,"body":"some stuff with, you know, um, ENM and,"},{"startTime":1382.55,"endTime":1384.77,"body":"and I was like, yeah, absolutely fine."},{"startTime":1384.77,"endTime":1387.77,"body":"So they come in, we can"},{"startTime":1384.77,"endTime":1387.77,"body":"sit down, we start talking."},{"startTime":1387.77,"endTime":1390.1399999999999,"body":"And so I'm like, okay, so tell"},{"startTime":1387.77,"endTime":1390.1399999999999,"body":"me a little bit about this."},{"startTime":1390.47,"endTime":1392.54,"body":"Well, my partner's going"},{"startTime":1390.47,"endTime":1392.54,"body":"out on a date tonight."},{"startTime":1393.62,"endTime":1396.08,"body":"I'm like, oh, okay."},{"startTime":1396.1699999999998,"endTime":1404.33,"body":"Well, so typically we would like"},{"startTime":1396.1699999999998,"endTime":1404.33,"body":"to have that conversation sooner,"},{"startTime":1405.1989999999998,"endTime":1406.55,"body":"like, and give you some time."},{"startTime":1407.03,"endTime":1412.31,"body":"Um, and, uh, okay, well we're gonna"},{"startTime":1407.03,"endTime":1412.31,"body":"introduce the concept of an emotional"},{"startTime":1412.31,"endTime":1416.12,"body":"safety plan a little bit earlier than"},{"startTime":1412.31,"endTime":1416.12,"body":"I normally do, but like, here we go."},{"startTime":1416.57,"endTime":1419.2089999999998,"body":"You know, and so, so"},{"startTime":1416.57,"endTime":1419.2089999999998,"body":"we ended up doing that."},{"startTime":1419.2089999999998,"endTime":1422.03,"body":"But as you're saying this, I'm"},{"startTime":1419.2089999999998,"endTime":1422.03,"body":"like, uh, yes, yes, please."},{"startTime":1422.6899999999998,"endTime":1426.6799999999998,"body":"Please take some time when you're"},{"startTime":1422.6899999999998,"endTime":1426.6799999999998,"body":"implementing relationship changes."},{"startTime":1427.07,"endTime":1427.61,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1427.885,"endTime":1428.105,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1428.24,"endTime":1430.1899999999998,"body":"Give your therapist some time too."},{"startTime":1432.495,"endTime":1433.725,"body":"Uhhuh, Uhhuh, Uhhuh."},{"startTime":1434.21,"endTime":1436.4299999999998,"body":"Uh, you mentioned a, an"},{"startTime":1434.21,"endTime":1436.4299999999998,"body":"emotional safety plan."},{"startTime":1436.4299999999998,"endTime":1438.3799999999999,"body":"I'm curious, what, what"},{"startTime":1436.4299999999998,"endTime":1438.3799999999999,"body":"does that look like?"},{"startTime":1439.55,"endTime":1440.8999999999999,"body":"Like what does that look like for you?"},{"startTime":1440.905,"endTime":1443.8999999999999,"body":"Like how do you, how do you"},{"startTime":1440.905,"endTime":1443.8999999999999,"body":"do, how do you frame that?"},{"startTime":1444.98,"endTime":1447.59,"body":"Yeah, so I think about it as, you know."},{"startTime":1447.979,"endTime":1452.1799999999998,"body":"Whenever I'm talking to, whether it's a"},{"startTime":1447.979,"endTime":1452.1799999999998,"body":"couple or an individual who comes to me"},{"startTime":1452.1799999999998,"endTime":1457.61,"body":"and is like trying to wrap their heads"},{"startTime":1452.1799999999998,"endTime":1457.61,"body":"around wanting to, wanting to do this."},{"startTime":1457.61,"endTime":1459.6799999999998,"body":"And I think, you know,"},{"startTime":1457.61,"endTime":1459.6799999999998,"body":"consent is so important."},{"startTime":1459.6799999999998,"endTime":1463.9099999999999,"body":"So like even if the people are"},{"startTime":1459.6799999999998,"endTime":1463.9099999999999,"body":"like, I am mentally on board, right?"},{"startTime":1463.9099999999999,"endTime":1467.5349999999999,"body":"And then it's like, but I am"},{"startTime":1463.9099999999999,"endTime":1467.5349999999999,"body":"practically freaking out, right?"},{"startTime":1467.665,"endTime":1468.0149999999999,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":1468.32,"endTime":1473.6,"body":"And so I try to frame it as in,"},{"startTime":1468.32,"endTime":1473.6,"body":"especially when somebody has."},{"startTime":1474.425,"endTime":1479.825,"body":"A nesting partner or an anchor partner,"},{"startTime":1474.425,"endTime":1479.825,"body":"or they've built a life with somebody."},{"startTime":1480.215,"endTime":1483.695,"body":"Um, and then, and then they're"},{"startTime":1480.215,"endTime":1483.695,"body":"trying to kind of open up."},{"startTime":1484.445,"endTime":1485.2849999999999,"body":"I'm like, okay."},{"startTime":1485.675,"endTime":1491.075,"body":"So one is how will your"},{"startTime":1485.675,"endTime":1491.075,"body":"partner exploring this?"},{"startTime":1491.075,"endTime":1494.645,"body":"How will you exploring this benefit?"},{"startTime":1495.485,"endTime":1497.2549999999999,"body":"The relationship that"},{"startTime":1495.485,"endTime":1497.2549999999999,"body":"you have with each other?"},{"startTime":1497.435,"endTime":1497.915,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1498.5449999999998,"endTime":1499.175,"body":"Um."},{"startTime":1499.715,"endTime":1503.825,"body":"And so I think centering that"},{"startTime":1499.715,"endTime":1503.825,"body":"concept, then we build the"},{"startTime":1503.825,"endTime":1505.355,"body":"emotional safety plan out."},{"startTime":1505.355,"endTime":1509.435,"body":"So it's like, okay, so, you know,"},{"startTime":1505.355,"endTime":1509.435,"body":"one of the things I talk to people"},{"startTime":1509.435,"endTime":1517.685,"body":"about is that, uh, while intimacy"},{"startTime":1509.435,"endTime":1517.685,"body":"needs connection and knowing, right,"},{"startTime":1517.745,"endTime":1523.865,"body":"um, desire and passion need mystery."},{"startTime":1524.435,"endTime":1525.935,"body":"They need space."},{"startTime":1526.205,"endTime":1530.2549999999999,"body":"And I always kind of talk about like, you"},{"startTime":1526.205,"endTime":1530.2549999999999,"body":"know, we like unwrapping presence, right?"},{"startTime":1530.705,"endTime":1535.475,"body":"Um, and we like the mystery and we like"},{"startTime":1530.705,"endTime":1535.475,"body":"the anticipation of discovering somebody."},{"startTime":1535.835,"endTime":1540.185,"body":"And so I think when people go"},{"startTime":1535.835,"endTime":1540.185,"body":"out and they, you know, even if"},{"startTime":1540.185,"endTime":1542.225,"body":"somebody goes on a solo trip, right?"},{"startTime":1542.225,"endTime":1542.76,"body":"And then they come back."},{"startTime":1543.6799999999998,"endTime":1545.6,"body":"Well, you don't know"},{"startTime":1543.6799999999998,"endTime":1545.6,"body":"what they did, you know?"},{"startTime":1545.605,"endTime":1545.675,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1545.7549999999999,"endTime":1549.02,"body":"And then you get to sit down and you"},{"startTime":1545.7549999999999,"endTime":1549.02,"body":"get to connect with them and learn."},{"startTime":1549.02,"endTime":1552.7089999999998,"body":"And so I think that sometimes I just"},{"startTime":1549.02,"endTime":1552.7089999999998,"body":"frame it as in like, Hey, your partner's"},{"startTime":1552.7089999999998,"endTime":1556.04,"body":"gonna go out and have this experience,"},{"startTime":1552.7089999999998,"endTime":1556.04,"body":"and they're gonna come back and there's"},{"startTime":1556.04,"endTime":1557.6299999999999,"body":"going to be something to discover."},{"startTime":1558.1989999999998,"endTime":1558.59,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1558.59,"endTime":1559.8799999999999,"body":"And so, isn't that lovely?"},{"startTime":1560.24,"endTime":1564.4689999999998,"body":"Um, and so usually people to kind of go"},{"startTime":1560.24,"endTime":1564.4689999999998,"body":"like, oh, okay, all right, that's good."},{"startTime":1564.4689999999998,"endTime":1565.1299999999999,"body":"I like that."},{"startTime":1565.49,"endTime":1565.85,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1566.1799999999998,"endTime":1568.49,"body":"And then we kind of talk about the"},{"startTime":1566.1799999999998,"endTime":1568.49,"body":"more practical steps, and it's like,"},{"startTime":1568.52,"endTime":1571.1899999999998,"body":"okay, so what are you gonna do?"},{"startTime":1572.0,"endTime":1572.54,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":1573.0939999999998,"endTime":1579.124,"body":"Um, so that you have something to talk"},{"startTime":1573.0939999999998,"endTime":1579.124,"body":"about, like, because, you know, I, you"},{"startTime":1579.124,"endTime":1584.3439999999998,"body":"could sit on the couch and be miserable"},{"startTime":1579.124,"endTime":1584.3439999999998,"body":"and think about all the different"},{"startTime":1584.3439999999998,"endTime":1587.644,"body":"ways that somebody is, you know."},{"startTime":1588.5,"endTime":1590.54,"body":"Doing everything better than you."},{"startTime":1590.615,"endTime":1590.965,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1591.205,"endTime":1591.206,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1591.26,"endTime":1595.37,"body":"'cause everybody like kind of"},{"startTime":1591.26,"endTime":1595.37,"body":"catastrophizes, there's, there's this"},{"startTime":1595.37,"endTime":1598.34,"body":"person, they are a 10 in every way."},{"startTime":1598.4299999999998,"endTime":1598.7,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1599.0,"endTime":1602.45,"body":"They are particularly a 10"},{"startTime":1599.0,"endTime":1602.45,"body":"in every way that I suck."},{"startTime":1602.6899999999998,"endTime":1602.96,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1602.965,"endTime":1603.2849999999999,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":1603.29,"endTime":1608.51,"body":"Like it's, uh, it's negative"},{"startTime":1603.29,"endTime":1608.51,"body":"self-talk plus like the worst fantasy"},{"startTime":1608.51,"endTime":1610.73,"body":"ever kind of crashing together."},{"startTime":1610.73,"endTime":1610.82,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1611.3,"endTime":1613.37,"body":"It's a great way to make sure"},{"startTime":1611.3,"endTime":1613.37,"body":"you have a miserable night."},{"startTime":1614.96,"endTime":1615.26,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1615.8,"endTime":1617.2949999999998,"body":"It's so like in the backyard crying."},{"startTime":1617.705,"endTime":1619.445,"body":"Right, right."},{"startTime":1619.655,"endTime":1622.385,"body":"So like maybe, I mean, you can do that."},{"startTime":1622.385,"endTime":1624.875,"body":"Like, and people, I even give"},{"startTime":1622.385,"endTime":1624.875,"body":"people the option of doing it."},{"startTime":1624.875,"endTime":1629.495,"body":"I'm like, listen, sometimes people"},{"startTime":1624.875,"endTime":1629.495,"body":"just need to do that once, so you damn"},{"startTime":1629.495,"endTime":1631.625,"body":"believe me when I say Right, right."},{"startTime":1631.625,"endTime":1633.0049999999999,"body":"Like, just check that off the list."},{"startTime":1633.485,"endTime":1636.605,"body":"Um, but you know, what are you gonna do?"},{"startTime":1636.965,"endTime":1637.355,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1637.355,"endTime":1642.0649999999998,"body":"So are you, do you have an opportunity"},{"startTime":1637.355,"endTime":1642.0649999999998,"body":"to do something that like your"},{"startTime":1642.0649999999998,"endTime":1645.095,"body":"partner doesn't really love to"},{"startTime":1642.0649999999998,"endTime":1645.095,"body":"do when they're home, you know?"},{"startTime":1645.485,"endTime":1651.185,"body":"Um, or do you have the opportunity"},{"startTime":1645.485,"endTime":1651.185,"body":"to connect with somebody else, like"},{"startTime":1651.185,"endTime":1657.155,"body":"a friend or someone that, you know,"},{"startTime":1651.185,"endTime":1657.155,"body":"life is busy and so you may not get"},{"startTime":1657.155,"endTime":1661.7749999999999,"body":"the opportunity to sit on a FaceTime"},{"startTime":1657.155,"endTime":1661.7749999999999,"body":"and hang out or something like that."},{"startTime":1661.8049999999998,"endTime":1662.2849999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1662.375,"endTime":1666.875,"body":"Um, just any, any of your"},{"startTime":1662.375,"endTime":1666.875,"body":"various forms of self-care."},{"startTime":1666.905,"endTime":1671.225,"body":"The one that I really like though is if"},{"startTime":1666.905,"endTime":1671.225,"body":"I have somebody I've been working with"},{"startTime":1671.225,"endTime":1674.945,"body":"for a little while and we know that."},{"startTime":1676.1899999999998,"endTime":1679.9399999999998,"body":"One of the, the pieces, one"},{"startTime":1676.1899999999998,"endTime":1679.9399999999998,"body":"of the pain points for them"},{"startTime":1680.21,"endTime":1682.1,"body":"has to do with a younger part."},{"startTime":1682.1899999999998,"endTime":1686.03,"body":"Like I do a lot of parts work with"},{"startTime":1682.1899999999998,"endTime":1686.03,"body":"my clients and talking about, you"},{"startTime":1686.03,"endTime":1690.35,"body":"know, an inner child or somebody"},{"startTime":1686.03,"endTime":1690.35,"body":"like, who's afraid right now."},{"startTime":1690.35,"endTime":1691.82,"body":"Like, what's, what's the fear?"},{"startTime":1691.8799999999999,"endTime":1692.24,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":1692.24,"endTime":1694.3999999999999,"body":"Well, the fear's that my partner's"},{"startTime":1692.24,"endTime":1694.3999999999999,"body":"not gonna love me anymore."},{"startTime":1694.3999999999999,"endTime":1695.57,"body":"They're not gonna come home."},{"startTime":1695.57,"endTime":1702.6799999999998,"body":"They're not gonna, okay, so how"},{"startTime":1695.57,"endTime":1702.6799999999998,"body":"would you talk to a kid, right?"},{"startTime":1702.6799999999998,"endTime":1703.6399999999999,"body":"If they were scared?"},{"startTime":1704.24,"endTime":1704.6299999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1704.6299999999999,"endTime":1706.37,"body":"And like, what would you try to do?"},{"startTime":1706.4299999999998,"endTime":1709.1899999999998,"body":"You know, you would try to reassure them."},{"startTime":1709.1899999999998,"endTime":1713.1799999999998,"body":"Maybe your partner needs to"},{"startTime":1709.1899999999998,"endTime":1713.1799999999998,"body":"reassure them, I am coming home."},{"startTime":1713.1799999999998,"endTime":1714.0649999999998,"body":"I do love you."},{"startTime":1714.07,"endTime":1715.76,"body":"You know, what do I, what do we need?"},{"startTime":1716.27,"endTime":1722.84,"body":"Um, and then also thinking about,"},{"startTime":1716.27,"endTime":1722.84,"body":"you know, if this is really important"},{"startTime":1722.84,"endTime":1728.0249999999999,"body":"because actually part of the"},{"startTime":1722.84,"endTime":1728.0249999999999,"body":"healing is your partner leaving."},{"startTime":1728.9299999999998,"endTime":1730.22,"body":"And then coming back."},{"startTime":1730.28,"endTime":1730.52,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1730.52,"endTime":1732.05,"body":"Like that's actually the healing."},{"startTime":1732.05,"endTime":1733.73,"body":"There isn't a shortcut for that."},{"startTime":1733.9399999999998,"endTime":1734.03,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1734.33,"endTime":1738.53,"body":"Um, and so, so we're going to, we're"},{"startTime":1734.33,"endTime":1738.53,"body":"gonna walk through this and it might"},{"startTime":1738.53,"endTime":1743.6599999999999,"body":"be scary and it might be uncomfortable,"},{"startTime":1738.53,"endTime":1743.6599999999999,"body":"but the pain isn't without a purpose."},{"startTime":1744.11,"endTime":1744.4099999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1745.22,"endTime":1745.6399999999999,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1745.6399999999999,"endTime":1747.71,"body":"The discomfort isn't without a purpose."},{"startTime":1748.04,"endTime":1752.36,"body":"You, you know, if you pitch a fit, um."},{"startTime":1753.215,"endTime":1756.335,"body":"Sometimes that happens, but like"},{"startTime":1753.215,"endTime":1756.335,"body":"if you pitch a fit and you, and you"},{"startTime":1756.335,"endTime":1762.7849999999999,"body":"recall your partner early from a"},{"startTime":1756.335,"endTime":1762.7849999999999,"body":"date or something, um, you know, they"},{"startTime":1762.7849999999999,"endTime":1764.165,"body":"may have some feelings about that."},{"startTime":1764.5549999999998,"endTime":1766.385,"body":"And like, I think that"},{"startTime":1764.5549999999998,"endTime":1766.385,"body":"you can work through it."},{"startTime":1766.385,"endTime":1774.605,"body":"But one of the things is that that"},{"startTime":1766.385,"endTime":1774.605,"body":"little part doesn't get to have the"},{"startTime":1774.605,"endTime":1778.5049999999999,"body":"return, the autonomous return home."},{"startTime":1778.59,"endTime":1779.01,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":1779.35,"endTime":1779.6899999999998,"body":"And so."},{"startTime":1780.485,"endTime":1784.205,"body":"That deeper healing work"},{"startTime":1780.485,"endTime":1784.205,"body":"doesn't get to happen that time."},{"startTime":1784.355,"endTime":1785.105,"body":"Maybe next time."},{"startTime":1785.36,"endTime":1785.6499999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1785.6499999999999,"endTime":1785.85,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1785.855,"endTime":1786.0049999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1786.0049999999999,"endTime":1788.2549999999999,"body":"And so we just kind of go through that."},{"startTime":1788.2549999999999,"endTime":1788.975,"body":"So we do that."},{"startTime":1789.485,"endTime":1792.365,"body":"We talk about, you know, what is"},{"startTime":1789.485,"endTime":1792.365,"body":"your, what would you like your"},{"startTime":1792.365,"endTime":1793.8049999999998,"body":"partner to do when they come home?"},{"startTime":1794.975,"endTime":1795.245,"body":"Mm. You know."},{"startTime":1795.935,"endTime":1800.0739999999998,"body":"Um, 'cause people have"},{"startTime":1795.935,"endTime":1800.0739999999998,"body":"varying ideas, right?"},{"startTime":1800.3149999999998,"endTime":1803.5549999999998,"body":"Shower, no shower, sleep in the same"},{"startTime":1800.3149999999998,"endTime":1803.5549999999998,"body":"bed, don't sleep in the same bed."},{"startTime":1803.854,"endTime":1808.985,"body":"You know, curfew, I don't like that word,"},{"startTime":1803.854,"endTime":1808.985,"body":"but, you know, is it, is there a certain"},{"startTime":1808.985,"endTime":1811.0839999999998,"body":"time that the person's gonna be home?"},{"startTime":1811.625,"endTime":1815.0149999999999,"body":"Um, are they gonna text on the way home?"},{"startTime":1815.0149999999999,"endTime":1818.375,"body":"'cause there's a, you know,"},{"startTime":1815.0149999999999,"endTime":1818.375,"body":"there's a safety concern."},{"startTime":1818.375,"endTime":1820.895,"body":"Like I used to practice"},{"startTime":1818.375,"endTime":1820.895,"body":"in Washington, DC right?"},{"startTime":1820.895,"endTime":1821.3439999999998,"body":"So."},{"startTime":1821.6899999999998,"endTime":1825.3799999999999,"body":"It was completely reasonable that if"},{"startTime":1821.6899999999998,"endTime":1825.3799999999999,"body":"your partner's not home at 3:00 AM"},{"startTime":1825.3799999999999,"endTime":1828.229,"body":"you're like, are you having a good time?"},{"startTime":1828.229,"endTime":1829.28,"body":"Did something go wrong?"},{"startTime":1829.28,"endTime":1829.9099999999999,"body":"Like what?"},{"startTime":1829.9099999999999,"endTime":1831.08,"body":"You know, what's happening?"},{"startTime":1831.53,"endTime":1836.479,"body":"And so we will, we'll talk about that"},{"startTime":1831.53,"endTime":1836.479,"body":"and like, you know, the first time that"},{"startTime":1836.54,"endTime":1841.28,"body":"this happens for somebody when they're"},{"startTime":1836.54,"endTime":1841.28,"body":"gonna go out and do this, and we put"},{"startTime":1841.28,"endTime":1842.81,"body":"this emotional safety plan in place."},{"startTime":1843.02,"endTime":1847.1,"body":"One of my mentors taught me this and I"},{"startTime":1843.02,"endTime":1847.1,"body":"think it's amazing and I just, I usually"},{"startTime":1847.1,"endTime":1850.55,"body":"ask if the partner can come in and I say."},{"startTime":1852.4099999999999,"endTime":1854.1799999999998,"body":"What time do you think"},{"startTime":1852.4099999999999,"endTime":1854.1799999999998,"body":"you're gonna be home?"},{"startTime":1854.78,"endTime":1855.1399999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1855.29,"endTime":1863.3899999999999,"body":"Uhhuh And please, to the absolute"},{"startTime":1855.29,"endTime":1863.3899999999999,"body":"best of your ability, this first"},{"startTime":1863.3899999999999,"endTime":1867.98,"body":"time I need you in the door."},{"startTime":1868.4299999999998,"endTime":1872.1499999999999,"body":"Like the minute that you"},{"startTime":1868.4299999999998,"endTime":1872.1499999999999,"body":"said you were gonna be home."},{"startTime":1872.72,"endTime":1872.96,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1872.99,"endTime":1873.29,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1873.29,"endTime":1873.74,"body":"Like."},{"startTime":1874.46,"endTime":1875.57,"body":"Please do that."},{"startTime":1875.6599999999999,"endTime":1876.47,"body":"I understand."},{"startTime":1876.47,"endTime":1880.04,"body":"I may be like cutting off, I'm gonna"},{"startTime":1876.47,"endTime":1880.04,"body":"be asking you to cut something short"},{"startTime":1880.04,"endTime":1882.6799999999998,"body":"or whatever because you know, sometimes"},{"startTime":1880.04,"endTime":1882.6799999999998,"body":"you don't know how the night's gonna"},{"startTime":1882.6799999999998,"endTime":1889.25,"body":"go and everything will, if that doesn't"},{"startTime":1882.6799999999998,"endTime":1889.25,"body":"happen, everything will be harder."},{"startTime":1890.27,"endTime":1891.05,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1891.29,"endTime":1892.37,"body":"Going forward."},{"startTime":1892.37,"endTime":1894.8899999999999,"body":"So like, can you please"},{"startTime":1892.37,"endTime":1894.8899999999999,"body":"just gimme this one time?"},{"startTime":1895.49,"endTime":1896.06,"body":"I understand."},{"startTime":1896.09,"endTime":1897.59,"body":"I was born two days late."},{"startTime":1897.6799999999998,"endTime":1899.75,"body":"I rarely show up on time."},{"startTime":1900.08,"endTime":1900.62,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1900.71,"endTime":1903.53,"body":"Like, I get it, but."},{"startTime":1904.205,"endTime":1904.955,"body":"Oh my God."},{"startTime":1905.585,"endTime":1909.965,"body":"Please, this one time, can you please"},{"startTime":1905.585,"endTime":1909.965,"body":"make sure that you are home when"},{"startTime":1909.965,"endTime":1911.135,"body":"you say that you're gonna be home?"},{"startTime":1911.135,"endTime":1911.195,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1911.915,"endTime":1912.2749999999999,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":1912.635,"endTime":1915.395,"body":"And so that's usually for my newbies,"},{"startTime":1912.635,"endTime":1915.395,"body":"and then they're like, all right lady."},{"startTime":1915.425,"endTime":1915.995,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1917.645,"endTime":1920.885,"body":"It just sets the foundation of"},{"startTime":1917.645,"endTime":1920.885,"body":"like, oh, I, I can trust this."},{"startTime":1921.905,"endTime":1922.385,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1922.385,"endTime":1923.165,"body":"It really does."},{"startTime":1923.165,"endTime":1926.405,"body":"Especially for Right, like new"},{"startTime":1923.165,"endTime":1926.405,"body":"things are scary 'cause they're new."},{"startTime":1926.405,"endTime":1926.465,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1928.07,"endTime":1928.37,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1928.6399999999999,"endTime":1932.3,"body":"Which goes back to what we were talking"},{"startTime":1928.6399999999999,"endTime":1932.3,"body":"about earlier with boundaries and"},{"startTime":1932.3,"endTime":1934.9689999999998,"body":"like not saying yes if you mean no."},{"startTime":1934.9689999999998,"endTime":1937.6989999999998,"body":"So if you're asking them for a"},{"startTime":1934.9689999999998,"endTime":1937.6989999999998,"body":"time, don't give a time that you"},{"startTime":1937.6989999999998,"endTime":1939.259,"body":"really don't wanna be home at."},{"startTime":1940.1299999999999,"endTime":1940.6699999999998,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1940.82,"endTime":1941.1499999999999,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1941.1499999999999,"endTime":1943.4299999999998,"body":"Like give a time that"},{"startTime":1941.1499999999999,"endTime":1943.4299999999998,"body":"like actually makes sense."},{"startTime":1944.4489999999998,"endTime":1944.749,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":1945.499,"endTime":1946.009,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1947.5449999999998,"endTime":1947.8339999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1948.019,"endTime":1949.79,"body":"So then you could then be home on time."},{"startTime":1950.57,"endTime":1951.229,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":1951.229,"endTime":1953.5249999999999,"body":"I mean, I would rather somebody"},{"startTime":1951.229,"endTime":1953.5249999999999,"body":"say, I'm gonna be home at 3:00"},{"startTime":1953.5249999999999,"endTime":1954.9199999999998,"body":"AM and come home at midnight."},{"startTime":1955.4589999999998,"endTime":1955.6989999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1955.6989999999998,"endTime":1956.239,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":1956.5549999999998,"endTime":1959.495,"body":"Then say, I'm gonna be home at"},{"startTime":1956.5549999999998,"endTime":1959.495,"body":"midnight and come in at 1205."},{"startTime":1960.155,"endTime":1960.485,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1961.0249999999999,"endTime":1961.385,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1961.445,"endTime":1966.604,"body":"Like then that expectation isn't blown up"},{"startTime":1961.445,"endTime":1966.604,"body":"and then you're like, right, I know it."},{"startTime":1966.665,"endTime":1967.2649999999999,"body":"I know it."},{"startTime":1967.2649999999999,"endTime":1968.465,"body":"Everything is gonna fall apart."},{"startTime":1969.425,"endTime":1969.965,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1970.354,"endTime":1970.745,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1970.7749999999999,"endTime":1973.475,"body":"And over time, I think people"},{"startTime":1970.7749999999999,"endTime":1973.475,"body":"get more comfortable, right?"},{"startTime":1973.475,"endTime":1975.7849999999999,"body":"Like, we wanna set"},{"startTime":1973.475,"endTime":1975.7849999999999,"body":"ourselves up for success."},{"startTime":1975.7849999999999,"endTime":1975.8439999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1976.114,"endTime":1976.685,"body":"So."},{"startTime":1977.269,"endTime":1979.6989999999998,"body":"Doing that, that low hanging fruit."},{"startTime":1979.6989999999998,"endTime":1982.9099999999999,"body":"Like let's, yeah, like let's try to"},{"startTime":1979.6989999999998,"endTime":1982.9099999999999,"body":"give ourselves something good to go"},{"startTime":1982.9099999999999,"endTime":1985.1299999999999,"body":"off of, something good to build off of."},{"startTime":1985.1299999999999,"endTime":1988.6699999999998,"body":"And then, I mean, then, you know,"},{"startTime":1985.1299999999999,"endTime":1988.6699999999998,"body":"six months down the road, a year"},{"startTime":1988.6699999999998,"endTime":1991.37,"body":"down the road, like whatever it ends"},{"startTime":1988.6699999999998,"endTime":1991.37,"body":"up being, people are like, oh, I"},{"startTime":1991.37,"endTime":1992.6299999999999,"body":"don't even need to do that anymore."},{"startTime":1992.6299999999999,"endTime":1993.3799999999999,"body":"Well, great."},{"startTime":1994.249,"endTime":1996.1699999999998,"body":"But you might have needed"},{"startTime":1994.249,"endTime":1996.1699999999998,"body":"to do that in the beginning."},{"startTime":1996.6799999999998,"endTime":1998.239,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":1998.6299999999999,"endTime":2002.3799999999999,"body":"As you're talking about that, it's"},{"startTime":1998.6299999999999,"endTime":2002.3799999999999,"body":"funny, I'm, I'm thinking about how,"},{"startTime":2002.4399999999998,"endTime":2005.229,"body":"especially when people are first"},{"startTime":2002.4399999999998,"endTime":2005.229,"body":"opening up these first experiences."},{"startTime":2005.875,"endTime":2011.0049999999999,"body":"The one that's going out on a date"},{"startTime":2005.875,"endTime":2011.0049999999999,"body":"is like, I, I think there's this, um,"},{"startTime":2011.0349999999999,"endTime":2015.925,"body":"like fear or this, like, gotta grab"},{"startTime":2011.0349999999999,"endTime":2015.925,"body":"everything I can right now because"},{"startTime":2015.925,"endTime":2017.5449999999998,"body":"it might get taken away from me."},{"startTime":2017.5449999999998,"endTime":2019.735,"body":"Or it might, the rug might"},{"startTime":2017.5449999999998,"endTime":2019.735,"body":"be pulled out from under me."},{"startTime":2019.735,"endTime":2024.595,"body":"And so they're on this like, I'm excited,"},{"startTime":2019.735,"endTime":2024.595,"body":"I gotta try all the things which like,"},{"startTime":2024.625,"endTime":2026.125,"body":"no, I don't wanna come home at midnight."},{"startTime":2026.125,"endTime":2027.745,"body":"I'm doing something cool, new and fun."},{"startTime":2028.105,"endTime":2032.395,"body":"But like, they, like, I just"},{"startTime":2028.105,"endTime":2032.395,"body":"wanna remind them that actually."},{"startTime":2032.7849999999999,"endTime":2038.0649999999998,"body":"You're, you're creating this like base of"},{"startTime":2032.7849999999999,"endTime":2038.0649999999998,"body":"safety in your, in your home life, in your"},{"startTime":2038.245,"endTime":2040.735,"body":"relationship that you clearly care about."},{"startTime":2042.175,"endTime":2042.7749999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2043.345,"endTime":2044.905,"body":"And the fun is still gonna be there."},{"startTime":2044.905,"endTime":2045.985,"body":"You still get to have it."},{"startTime":2046.945,"endTime":2047.725,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2047.7849999999999,"endTime":2048.265,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2048.265,"endTime":2052.855,"body":"And most of my couples, when I'm working"},{"startTime":2048.265,"endTime":2052.855,"body":"with them and they're opening up, I'll"},{"startTime":2052.855,"endTime":2055.705,"body":"say, you know, we're gonna do this, right?"},{"startTime":2055.705,"endTime":2056.8450000000003,"body":"You are gonna do this."},{"startTime":2056.8450000000003,"endTime":2058.315,"body":"We're gonna have the conversations."},{"startTime":2058.375,"endTime":2061.915,"body":"And if it doesn't go"},{"startTime":2058.375,"endTime":2061.915,"body":"right, I'm gonna ask you."},{"startTime":2062.364,"endTime":2065.905,"body":"To promise each other that it"},{"startTime":2062.364,"endTime":2065.905,"body":"doesn't immediately get shut down."},{"startTime":2065.965,"endTime":2066.295,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2066.295,"endTime":2071.485,"body":"Because it's not fair to, to tell somebody"},{"startTime":2066.295,"endTime":2071.485,"body":"that we're gonna try something new, but"},{"startTime":2071.485,"endTime":2073.465,"body":"you are not allowed to make any mistakes."},{"startTime":2074.065,"endTime":2074.275,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2074.455,"endTime":2074.8740000000003,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2075.145,"endTime":2080.155,"body":"So I, if it's a complete and utter"},{"startTime":2075.145,"endTime":2080.155,"body":"disaster, or if it's the best night ever,"},{"startTime":2080.155,"endTime":2085.135,"body":"like at least wait until you come back"},{"startTime":2080.155,"endTime":2085.135,"body":"in and then we can have a conversation."},{"startTime":2086.08,"endTime":2086.4700000000003,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2086.7400000000002,"endTime":2087.19,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2087.25,"endTime":2091.6,"body":"But like, let's not ripping rugs out"},{"startTime":2087.25,"endTime":2091.6,"body":"from under one another is just like not"},{"startTime":2091.6,"endTime":2094.27,"body":"good for relationships writ large at all."},{"startTime":2095.11,"endTime":2095.32,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2096.01,"endTime":2096.31,"body":"At all."},{"startTime":2096.31,"endTime":2096.58,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2096.85,"endTime":2097.2400000000002,"body":"At all."},{"startTime":2097.27,"endTime":2097.66,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2098.02,"endTime":2098.44,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2098.71,"endTime":2099.2200000000003,"body":"Totally."},{"startTime":2099.52,"endTime":2100.03,"body":"Totally."},{"startTime":2100.39,"endTime":2105.79,"body":"I wonder how I, if, if people feel"},{"startTime":2100.39,"endTime":2105.79,"body":"like exploring non-monogamy, like"},{"startTime":2105.79,"endTime":2109.21,"body":"stretching their nervous system"},{"startTime":2105.79,"endTime":2109.21,"body":"too far, how, what, like, how do"},{"startTime":2109.21,"endTime":2111.01,"body":"you, what do you recommend to them?"},{"startTime":2111.01,"endTime":2112.3,"body":"How do you support them in that?"},{"startTime":2113.77,"endTime":2114.2200000000003,"body":"Hmm."},{"startTime":2115.195,"endTime":2117.925,"body":"Um, let me see if I"},{"startTime":2115.195,"endTime":2117.925,"body":"understand the question."},{"startTime":2117.925,"endTime":2119.485,"body":"Can you say it, say it again."},{"startTime":2119.875,"endTime":2120.415,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2120.655,"endTime":2124.285,"body":"If they're, you know, they're exploring,"},{"startTime":2120.655,"endTime":2124.285,"body":"they're, they're trying something new"},{"startTime":2124.285,"endTime":2129.1150000000002,"body":"and they're just, you know, constantly"},{"startTime":2124.285,"endTime":2129.1150000000002,"body":"activated, scared, worried, and it feels"},{"startTime":2129.1150000000002,"endTime":2135.1150000000002,"body":"like too much, or like they're just, it's"},{"startTime":2129.1150000000002,"endTime":2135.1150000000002,"body":"like, oh my God, we gotta shut this down"},{"startTime":2135.1150000000002,"endTime":2136.8250000000003,"body":"'cause it's too much, or it's too scary."},{"startTime":2137.215,"endTime":2140.005,"body":"How do you, like, how, how"},{"startTime":2137.215,"endTime":2140.005,"body":"do you help them temper that?"},{"startTime":2141.8650000000002,"endTime":2147.8650000000002,"body":"I think the first thing is to really"},{"startTime":2141.8650000000002,"endTime":2147.8650000000002,"body":"give that person, especially that"},{"startTime":2147.8650000000002,"endTime":2154.465,"body":"part of that person, the space that"},{"startTime":2147.8650000000002,"endTime":2154.465,"body":"it needs to feel heard and expressed"},{"startTime":2154.5840000000003,"endTime":2161.275,"body":"and, um, you know, respected is"},{"startTime":2154.5840000000003,"endTime":2161.275,"body":"not the same as agreed with, right?"},{"startTime":2161.275,"endTime":2161.3650000000002,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2161.6040000000003,"endTime":2166.5550000000003,"body":"So like, so like, yeah, like,"},{"startTime":2161.6040000000003,"endTime":2166.5550000000003,"body":"let's understand, you know?"},{"startTime":2166.5550000000003,"endTime":2168.684,"body":"And so it's balancing that."},{"startTime":2169.3,"endTime":2172.0,"body":"Trying to get the other partner"},{"startTime":2169.3,"endTime":2172.0,"body":"to be like, okay, we're gonna"},{"startTime":2172.0,"endTime":2174.2200000000003,"body":"be in receive mode, right?"},{"startTime":2174.2200000000003,"endTime":2178.96,"body":"And like, we're gonna try to regulate your"},{"startTime":2174.2200000000003,"endTime":2178.96,"body":"nervous system so you don't go defensive."},{"startTime":2179.56,"endTime":2184.54,"body":"And it's usually a very slow"},{"startTime":2179.56,"endTime":2184.54,"body":"conversation that it requires some"},{"startTime":2184.54,"endTime":2189.28,"body":"like, okay, hang on, let's get"},{"startTime":2184.54,"endTime":2189.28,"body":"recentered, let's get re-grounded."},{"startTime":2189.8500000000004,"endTime":2192.46,"body":"Um, and kind of stepping in."},{"startTime":2193.045,"endTime":2195.5950000000003,"body":"To that, like slowly one step at a time."},{"startTime":2195.5950000000003,"endTime":2197.545,"body":"Okay, tell me what's going on."},{"startTime":2197.815,"endTime":2199.0750000000003,"body":"What are you feeling?"},{"startTime":2199.6150000000002,"endTime":2201.204,"body":"Where is this coming from?"},{"startTime":2201.8050000000003,"endTime":2204.985,"body":"Does this remind you of"},{"startTime":2201.8050000000003,"endTime":2204.985,"body":"something from before?"},{"startTime":2205.2850000000003,"endTime":2205.974,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":2206.0350000000003,"endTime":2210.895,"body":"And a lot of times it's like, yeah,"},{"startTime":2206.0350000000003,"endTime":2210.895,"body":"it's tied to this other thing."},{"startTime":2211.465,"endTime":2215.605,"body":"And then, you know, and so then"},{"startTime":2211.465,"endTime":2215.605,"body":"a lot of times I'm like, do you"},{"startTime":2215.605,"endTime":2217.2850000000003,"body":"have your own therapist, Renee?"},{"startTime":2217.2850000000003,"endTime":2222.085,"body":"Like, because, because that part."},{"startTime":2222.52,"endTime":2227.4700000000003,"body":"Deserves to have the space and the"},{"startTime":2222.52,"endTime":2227.4700000000003,"body":"care and the nurturance that it needs."},{"startTime":2227.86,"endTime":2230.4100000000003,"body":"Um, and like, and we are, we're"},{"startTime":2227.86,"endTime":2230.4100000000003,"body":"balancing, you know, when I'm a"},{"startTime":2230.4100000000003,"endTime":2235.36,"body":"couple's therapist, right, individual"},{"startTime":2230.4100000000003,"endTime":2235.36,"body":"therapy, um, is is one thing."},{"startTime":2235.36,"endTime":2237.1600000000003,"body":"'cause I'm just aligned with that person."},{"startTime":2237.1600000000003,"endTime":2240.52,"body":"But when I'm working with a"},{"startTime":2237.1600000000003,"endTime":2240.52,"body":"couple, I really am holding"},{"startTime":2240.52,"endTime":2241.9900000000002,"body":"space for that relationship."},{"startTime":2241.9900000000002,"endTime":2248.86,"body":"And so I can't just be like, yep, nope,"},{"startTime":2241.9900000000002,"endTime":2248.86,"body":"non-monogamy off the table, sorry."},{"startTime":2249.07,"endTime":2250.48,"body":"Partner two, like."},{"startTime":2251.605,"endTime":2252.5350000000003,"body":"Yeah, here it is."},{"startTime":2252.954,"endTime":2261.985,"body":"Um, for me it's really about giving"},{"startTime":2252.954,"endTime":2261.985,"body":"space for that, you know, for that, um,"},{"startTime":2262.375,"endTime":2265.645,"body":"pain to be heard and respected and then,"},{"startTime":2269.0350000000003,"endTime":2271.494,"body":"then revisit it, right?"},{"startTime":2271.494,"endTime":2278.155,"body":"And say, okay, so is this"},{"startTime":2271.494,"endTime":2278.155,"body":"really about the concept itself?"},{"startTime":2278.395,"endTime":2279.925,"body":"Is this really about."},{"startTime":2280.75,"endTime":2285.67,"body":"Who the person was that they went"},{"startTime":2280.75,"endTime":2285.67,"body":"out on a date with, you know, is"},{"startTime":2285.67,"endTime":2289.9300000000003,"body":"there something, there Is this, so"},{"startTime":2285.67,"endTime":2289.9300000000003,"body":"like, you know, is it, is it like a"},{"startTime":2289.9300000000003,"endTime":2293.9500000000003,"body":"philosophical values level problem?"},{"startTime":2293.98,"endTime":2294.07,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2294.31,"endTime":2299.32,"body":"Is it a circumstantial, I"},{"startTime":2294.31,"endTime":2299.32,"body":"don't like this person, or this"},{"startTime":2299.32,"endTime":2301.36,"body":"person doesn't feel safe to me?"},{"startTime":2301.8700000000003,"endTime":2303.9700000000003,"body":"Um, is there."},{"startTime":2304.585,"endTime":2307.255,"body":"You know, a lot of times I'll"},{"startTime":2304.585,"endTime":2307.255,"body":"get people who come in who"},{"startTime":2307.255,"endTime":2310.494,"body":"have not done a relationship"},{"startTime":2307.255,"endTime":2310.494,"body":"agreement in any meaningful way."},{"startTime":2310.494,"endTime":2313.764,"body":"And so there's just so much ambiguity."},{"startTime":2314.335,"endTime":2314.665,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2314.724,"endTime":2319.195,"body":"Uh, and like, and it's just the, well,"},{"startTime":2314.724,"endTime":2319.195,"body":"I'm afraid of everything because I"},{"startTime":2319.195,"endTime":2323.005,"body":"don't even know, I don't even know"},{"startTime":2319.195,"endTime":2323.005,"body":"what's allowed or what's not allowed."},{"startTime":2323.005,"endTime":2325.255,"body":"And I'm like, oh, well,"},{"startTime":2323.005,"endTime":2325.255,"body":"well, there's your problem."},{"startTime":2325.255,"endTime":2325.405,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2326.3050000000003,"endTime":2326.965,"body":"Start there."},{"startTime":2327.9100000000003,"endTime":2329.11,"body":"Right, right."},{"startTime":2329.53,"endTime":2332.8,"body":"So, and you know, like, and I think"},{"startTime":2329.53,"endTime":2332.8,"body":"people are so surprised when I have them"},{"startTime":2332.8,"endTime":2336.1000000000004,"body":"do a relationship agreement and when"},{"startTime":2332.8,"endTime":2336.1000000000004,"body":"we actually walk through it and they're"},{"startTime":2336.1000000000004,"endTime":2338.53,"body":"like, lady, like, what are you at?"},{"startTime":2338.59,"endTime":2339.4,"body":"What do you mean?"},{"startTime":2339.4300000000003,"endTime":2343.3300000000004,"body":"Is it okay for me to fantasize"},{"startTime":2339.4300000000003,"endTime":2343.3300000000004,"body":"about another person when I'm"},{"startTime":2343.9900000000002,"endTime":2345.25,"body":"taking a walk with the dog?"},{"startTime":2345.73,"endTime":2346.0,"body":"I'm like."},{"startTime":2346.465,"endTime":2348.085,"body":"I mean, is this tell me."},{"startTime":2348.085,"endTime":2349.465,"body":"And they're like, I don't, I don't know."},{"startTime":2349.465,"endTime":2354.895,"body":"Like, you know, and, but we just, we just"},{"startTime":2349.465,"endTime":2354.895,"body":"pull everything out on the table, right?"},{"startTime":2354.925,"endTime":2354.985,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2354.985,"endTime":2358.465,"body":"Like, we're just gonna, we're"},{"startTime":2354.985,"endTime":2358.465,"body":"gonna talk about all of it so that"},{"startTime":2358.465,"endTime":2361.585,"body":"you know exactly what this means."},{"startTime":2361.585,"endTime":2365.125,"body":"'cause that's the last thing that"},{"startTime":2361.585,"endTime":2365.125,"body":"we want, is for you to be using one"},{"startTime":2365.125,"endTime":2367.2250000000004,"body":"definition and for me to be using another."},{"startTime":2367.59,"endTime":2368.01,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2368.4300000000003,"endTime":2368.8500000000004,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2368.9300000000003,"endTime":2369.329,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2369.4100000000003,"endTime":2369.77,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2371.215,"endTime":2371.425,"body":"Yep."},{"startTime":2372.94,"endTime":2374.26,"body":"Relationship agreements."},{"startTime":2374.44,"endTime":2378.4,"body":"In a relationship agreement that"},{"startTime":2374.44,"endTime":2378.4,"body":"you, you help people create?"},{"startTime":2378.4,"endTime":2381.52,"body":"Are there like some main"},{"startTime":2378.4,"endTime":2381.52,"body":"points that have to be hit?"},{"startTime":2383.56,"endTime":2387.82,"body":"Yeah, I mean, for like, so I think for"},{"startTime":2383.56,"endTime":2387.82,"body":"some of them, you know, I'll start off"},{"startTime":2387.82,"endTime":2398.5,"body":"with the like, you know, uh, flirting,"},{"startTime":2387.82,"endTime":2398.5,"body":"um, pet names, you know, uh, fantasy."},{"startTime":2399.474,"endTime":2405.985,"body":"And, and then we will get into like,"},{"startTime":2399.474,"endTime":2405.985,"body":"you know, I like helping people say,"},{"startTime":2405.985,"endTime":2411.204,"body":"okay, um, when, when are we going"},{"startTime":2405.985,"endTime":2411.204,"body":"to be, you know, if we're in our"},{"startTime":2411.204,"endTime":2413.335,"body":"home, if you live together, right?"},{"startTime":2413.5750000000003,"endTime":2417.804,"body":"Every time you look over at your"},{"startTime":2413.5750000000003,"endTime":2417.804,"body":"partner and they're on their phone,"},{"startTime":2418.735,"endTime":2422.665,"body":"I promise you don't wanna be thinking"},{"startTime":2418.735,"endTime":2422.665,"body":"about, oh, who are they texting, right?"},{"startTime":2422.8450000000003,"endTime":2422.875,"body":"Uhhuh."},{"startTime":2424.465,"endTime":2426.295,"body":"So like, are there some, you know."},{"startTime":2426.715,"endTime":2428.094,"body":"Tell me about that."},{"startTime":2428.485,"endTime":2434.3650000000002,"body":"Um, you know, how do you feel about"},{"startTime":2428.485,"endTime":2434.3650000000002,"body":"people texting in your bedroom?"},{"startTime":2435.1150000000002,"endTime":2435.385,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2435.744,"endTime":2436.945,"body":"Or not, right?"},{"startTime":2437.335,"endTime":2441.804,"body":"Um, how do you feel about if"},{"startTime":2437.335,"endTime":2441.804,"body":"you have kids, what's, what"},{"startTime":2441.804,"endTime":2442.675,"body":"do you think about that?"},{"startTime":2442.675,"endTime":2446.695,"body":"How, what are we, you know,"},{"startTime":2442.675,"endTime":2446.695,"body":"what are we telling them?"},{"startTime":2446.695,"endTime":2448.224,"body":"What are we not telling them?"},{"startTime":2448.885,"endTime":2450.565,"body":"You know, who's mommy going out with?"},{"startTime":2450.895,"endTime":2451.704,"body":"For me, like."},{"startTime":2452.8,"endTime":2454.09,"body":"You know, is that a friend?"},{"startTime":2454.09,"endTime":2458.949,"body":"Is that, um, a, you know,"},{"startTime":2454.09,"endTime":2458.949,"body":"what did my mom used to say?"},{"startTime":2458.949,"endTime":2460.06,"body":"A special friend?"},{"startTime":2461.02,"endTime":2463.75,"body":"Uh, it's mommy's special friend."},{"startTime":2464.349,"endTime":2464.77,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2464.98,"endTime":2465.909,"body":"It's a special friend."},{"startTime":2466.415,"endTime":2466.704,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":2467.405,"endTime":2469.451,"body":"So like, okay."},{"startTime":2469.755,"endTime":2472.329,"body":"Um, you know, or, or somebody else."},{"startTime":2472.329,"endTime":2472.84,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2473.23,"endTime":2475.54,"body":"Um, so I think that that's one."},{"startTime":2476.29,"endTime":2479.86,"body":"Um, you actually, when I was listening"},{"startTime":2476.29,"endTime":2479.86,"body":"to one of the episodes of your"},{"startTime":2479.86,"endTime":2486.8500000000004,"body":"podcast, you had a great one, which"},{"startTime":2479.86,"endTime":2486.8500000000004,"body":"was, you know, uh, frequency of like,"},{"startTime":2486.94,"endTime":2489.2200000000003,"body":"you know, if we go out to a party,"},{"startTime":2489.76,"endTime":2489.9700000000003,"body":"right?"},{"startTime":2489.9700000000003,"endTime":2490.27,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2490.69,"endTime":2493.81,"body":"Um, 'cause right now, I mean, most"},{"startTime":2490.69,"endTime":2493.81,"body":"of the time I'm talking about people"},{"startTime":2493.81,"endTime":2496.03,"body":"going out separately, but there"},{"startTime":2493.81,"endTime":2496.03,"body":"are people who go out together."},{"startTime":2496.3,"endTime":2496.48,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2496.51,"endTime":2496.9,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2497.05,"endTime":2498.4900000000002,"body":"And are we gonna play together?"},{"startTime":2498.4900000000002,"endTime":2499.8700000000003,"body":"Are we gonna play separately?"},{"startTime":2500.7400000000002,"endTime":2505.21,"body":"What happens if, so if we have an"},{"startTime":2500.7400000000002,"endTime":2505.21,"body":"agreement to play together, but somebody"},{"startTime":2505.21,"endTime":2507.88,"body":"that is only interested in one of us."},{"startTime":2508.3,"endTime":2508.57,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2508.659,"endTime":2508.7200000000003,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2508.7200000000003,"endTime":2510.25,"body":"Like what happens?"},{"startTime":2510.52,"endTime":2514.9900000000002,"body":"Um, any agreement that we come"},{"startTime":2510.52,"endTime":2514.9900000000002,"body":"to, is that for this time or"},{"startTime":2514.9900000000002,"endTime":2517.42,"body":"is that for Forever and always."},{"startTime":2517.42,"endTime":2517.96,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2519.639,"endTime":2523.869,"body":"Uh, I I mean, we can get, I"},{"startTime":2519.639,"endTime":2523.869,"body":"mean, I get granular down to"},{"startTime":2523.9,"endTime":2526.119,"body":"specific acts if people want."},{"startTime":2526.659,"endTime":2526.75,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2526.84,"endTime":2527.17,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2527.4700000000003,"endTime":2527.53,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2527.56,"endTime":2528.2200000000003,"body":"Um."},{"startTime":2529.06,"endTime":2532.2400000000002,"body":"I think, and then there's also"},{"startTime":2529.06,"endTime":2532.2400000000002,"body":"this other thing of like, what"},{"startTime":2532.2400000000002,"endTime":2533.8300000000004,"body":"is going to be held in reserve."},{"startTime":2533.8300000000004,"endTime":2533.92,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2534.6400000000003,"endTime":2534.82,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2535.6600000000003,"endTime":2539.38,"body":"Um, because a lot of times,"},{"startTime":2535.6600000000003,"endTime":2539.38,"body":"like historically, we think"},{"startTime":2539.38,"endTime":2541.7200000000003,"body":"about exclusive relationships."},{"startTime":2541.7200000000003,"endTime":2541.81,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2541.8700000000003,"endTime":2546.04,"body":"And typically, and as Sarah"},{"startTime":2541.8700000000003,"endTime":2546.04,"body":"Perel talks about this in her"},{"startTime":2546.04,"endTime":2547.69,"body":"book, um, state of Affairs."},{"startTime":2548.5,"endTime":2551.44,"body":"It was that people were"},{"startTime":2548.5,"endTime":2551.44,"body":"sexually exclusive."},{"startTime":2551.619,"endTime":2558.25,"body":"Well, if we are going to put sex and"},{"startTime":2551.619,"endTime":2558.25,"body":"romance back on the table for not"},{"startTime":2558.25,"endTime":2563.59,"body":"being exclusive, is there something"},{"startTime":2558.25,"endTime":2563.59,"body":"else that is meaningful to the two"},{"startTime":2563.59,"endTime":2568.389,"body":"of you that we can hold and reserve"},{"startTime":2563.59,"endTime":2568.389,"body":"and say, yes, but this is for us."},{"startTime":2568.81,"endTime":2568.929,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2569.17,"endTime":2569.56,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2569.86,"endTime":2571.48,"body":"And sometimes people forget about that."},{"startTime":2572.17,"endTime":2572.53,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2572.65,"endTime":2573.13,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":2573.639,"endTime":2581.05,"body":"Um, maybe, maybe somebody else doesn't get"},{"startTime":2573.639,"endTime":2581.05,"body":"to go with your partner to the hotel that"},{"startTime":2581.26,"endTime":2583.9900000000002,"body":"you go every year for your anniversary."},{"startTime":2584.32,"endTime":2586.06,"body":"Like maybe that's, you"},{"startTime":2584.32,"endTime":2586.06,"body":"know, it's like, hmm."},{"startTime":2586.63,"endTime":2587.889,"body":"You know, can that just be ours?"},{"startTime":2588.31,"endTime":2588.61,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2588.61,"endTime":2588.82,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2589.36,"endTime":2589.599,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2590.53,"endTime":2590.9500000000003,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2591.4,"endTime":2592.03,"body":"I love that."},{"startTime":2592.06,"endTime":2595.0,"body":"I, I really love that"},{"startTime":2592.06,"endTime":2595.0,"body":"because a lot of people."},{"startTime":2596.2000000000003,"endTime":2598.81,"body":"When they're opening up,"},{"startTime":2596.2000000000003,"endTime":2598.81,"body":"they start really small."},{"startTime":2598.81,"endTime":2599.0800000000004,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2599.0800000000004,"endTime":2602.65,"body":"Like, especially I know a lot of"},{"startTime":2599.0800000000004,"endTime":2602.65,"body":"swingers like starting to swing"},{"startTime":2602.65,"endTime":2603.88,"body":"and be like, yeah, but no kissing."},{"startTime":2603.88,"endTime":2608.9500000000003,"body":"And I'm like, how is kissing more intimate"},{"startTime":2603.88,"endTime":2608.9500000000003,"body":"than putting your genitals in my mouth?"},{"startTime":2611.0800000000004,"endTime":2611.7400000000002,"body":"Yeah, right."},{"startTime":2611.8300000000004,"endTime":2612.9700000000003,"body":"But then it starts expanding."},{"startTime":2613.0,"endTime":2617.92,"body":"Okay, well then just like no holding hands"},{"startTime":2613.0,"endTime":2617.92,"body":"with people or no anal or whatever, right?"},{"startTime":2618.1600000000003,"endTime":2620.6200000000003,"body":"And, and, and it's like,"},{"startTime":2618.1600000000003,"endTime":2620.6200000000003,"body":"well, these are just."},{"startTime":2620.9500000000003,"endTime":2623.079,"body":"Things probably that people wanna do."},{"startTime":2623.079,"endTime":2628.03,"body":"So maybe make it more something"},{"startTime":2623.079,"endTime":2628.03,"body":"that is actually unique to your"},{"startTime":2628.03,"endTime":2630.2200000000003,"body":"relationship rather than mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2630.639,"endTime":2634.27,"body":"Something that most people engaging"},{"startTime":2630.639,"endTime":2634.27,"body":"in intimate things are doing."},{"startTime":2635.619,"endTime":2636.01,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2638.8250000000003,"endTime":2639.369,"body":"Right, right."},{"startTime":2640.36,"endTime":2641.71,"body":"Yes, absolutely."},{"startTime":2641.71,"endTime":2641.98,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2641.98,"endTime":2645.13,"body":"And really kind of like broadening,"},{"startTime":2641.98,"endTime":2645.13,"body":"you know, we're, if we're gonna, if"},{"startTime":2645.13,"endTime":2648.579,"body":"we're going to broaden the playbook"},{"startTime":2645.13,"endTime":2648.579,"body":"of what's accessible to us, then"},{"startTime":2648.579,"endTime":2653.889,"body":"let's really broaden it and say that"},{"startTime":2648.579,"endTime":2653.889,"body":"whatever is, you know, intimate and"},{"startTime":2653.889,"endTime":2657.61,"body":"sacred about our relationship is"},{"startTime":2653.889,"endTime":2657.61,"body":"not confined to the bedroom anymore,"},{"startTime":2657.76,"endTime":2659.59,"body":"because that was the old script."},{"startTime":2660.04,"endTime":2661.599,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2661.96,"endTime":2662.77,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":2663.28,"endTime":2664.06,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":2664.15,"endTime":2664.48,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2665.17,"endTime":2665.8,"body":"So good."},{"startTime":2667.195,"endTime":2667.8250000000003,"body":"So good."},{"startTime":2669.415,"endTime":2671.905,"body":"There's a million, a"},{"startTime":2669.415,"endTime":2671.905,"body":"million ways that can go."},{"startTime":2673.315,"endTime":2673.585,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":2674.454,"endTime":2675.985,"body":"There are, it's so good."},{"startTime":2675.985,"endTime":2677.935,"body":"I mean, I just love this work so much."},{"startTime":2677.935,"endTime":2683.905,"body":"And truly working with poly couples"},{"startTime":2677.935,"endTime":2683.905,"body":"and ethically non-monogamous couples"},{"startTime":2683.905,"endTime":2687.415,"body":"has actually made me a better therapist"},{"startTime":2683.905,"endTime":2687.415,"body":"for working with monogamous couples."},{"startTime":2687.775,"endTime":2689.005,"body":"Yes, because."},{"startTime":2689.5,"endTime":2694.42,"body":"I mean, one of my favorite resources"},{"startTime":2689.5,"endTime":2694.42,"body":"to give my, my monogamous couples"},{"startTime":2694.42,"endTime":2696.13,"body":"is actually the book Poly Secure."},{"startTime":2696.55,"endTime":2697.15,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2697.36,"endTime":2698.4700000000003,"body":"I say that all the time."},{"startTime":2698.4700000000003,"endTime":2698.6200000000003,"body":"Like"},{"startTime":2698.6800000000003,"endTime":2700.42,"body":"everybody should read that."},{"startTime":2700.84,"endTime":2701.6800000000003,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2701.6800000000003,"endTime":2701.77,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2701.925,"endTime":2702.145,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":2702.5800000000004,"endTime":2707.3500000000004,"body":"Because one is that it has the, I think"},{"startTime":2702.5800000000004,"endTime":2707.3500000000004,"body":"one of the best adult I attachment"},{"startTime":2707.4100000000003,"endTime":2710.23,"body":"style explanations A that I ever heard."},{"startTime":2710.6200000000003,"endTime":2710.71,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2710.9500000000003,"endTime":2711.13,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2711.6400000000003,"endTime":2714.94,"body":"Um, and then also I think that like."},{"startTime":2715.2250000000004,"endTime":2720.445,"body":"She just kind of talks about, you know,"},{"startTime":2715.2250000000004,"endTime":2720.445,"body":"relationships and even if you're not"},{"startTime":2720.445,"endTime":2724.405,"body":"having sex with more than one partner,"},{"startTime":2720.445,"endTime":2724.405,"body":"you probably have other people in your"},{"startTime":2724.405,"endTime":2729.235,"body":"life who are important to you and who"},{"startTime":2724.405,"endTime":2729.235,"body":"deserve your time and care and attention."},{"startTime":2729.685,"endTime":2730.195,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2731.005,"endTime":2733.9750000000004,"body":"Uh, and like, can we have"},{"startTime":2731.005,"endTime":2733.9750000000004,"body":"some language around that?"},{"startTime":2734.875,"endTime":2735.295,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2735.6400000000003,"endTime":2736.06,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2736.145,"endTime":2736.435,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2736.795,"endTime":2737.155,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2737.395,"endTime":2738.085,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":2738.5950000000003,"endTime":2739.045,"body":"I love that."},{"startTime":2739.045,"endTime":2739.885,"body":"That's, I say that all the time."},{"startTime":2739.8900000000003,"endTime":2741.565,"body":"I'm like, even monogamous"},{"startTime":2739.8900000000003,"endTime":2741.565,"body":"people should read this."},{"startTime":2741.565,"endTime":2743.665,"body":"It's just good relationship advice."},{"startTime":2744.025,"endTime":2745.165,"body":"It really is."},{"startTime":2745.165,"endTime":2746.5150000000003,"body":"It really, really is."},{"startTime":2746.5150000000003,"endTime":2751.915,"body":"And it gets rid of, I mean, any, any"},{"startTime":2746.5150000000003,"endTime":2751.915,"body":"assumption that you have about what needs"},{"startTime":2751.915,"endTime":2753.505,"body":"to be talked about in a relationship."},{"startTime":2753.505,"endTime":2761.875,"body":"Like I think that, uh, just, just the,"},{"startTime":2753.505,"endTime":2761.875,"body":"the structure of a poly relationship,"},{"startTime":2761.875,"endTime":2763.045,"body":"it just like burns it down."},{"startTime":2763.0750000000003,"endTime":2765.985,"body":"It's like there can't be any"},{"startTime":2763.0750000000003,"endTime":2765.985,"body":"assumptions we have to talk about it."},{"startTime":2766.585,"endTime":2767.935,"body":"Yeah, yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2768.145,"endTime":2768.775,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":2769.0750000000003,"endTime":2770.665,"body":"If you could rewrite one."},{"startTime":2771.355,"endTime":2775.675,"body":"Like cultural, social rule"},{"startTime":2771.355,"endTime":2775.675,"body":"about relationships, what"},{"startTime":2775.675,"endTime":2776.905,"body":"would you replace it with?"},{"startTime":2782.935,"endTime":2783.355,"body":"I only have"},{"startTime":2783.355,"endTime":2783.895,"body":"one."},{"startTime":2785.605,"endTime":2786.175,"body":"There's so many."},{"startTime":2786.175,"endTime":2786.505,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":2787.255,"endTime":2789.4750000000004,"body":"I know, I know I have,"},{"startTime":2787.255,"endTime":2789.4750000000004,"body":"I have many thoughts."},{"startTime":2789.835,"endTime":2791.605,"body":"Um, okay."},{"startTime":2791.605,"endTime":2794.485,"body":"I'll do the one that I don't know that"},{"startTime":2791.605,"endTime":2794.485,"body":"a lot of other people would talk about."},{"startTime":2795.1150000000002,"endTime":2797.425,"body":"Um, I would rewrite."},{"startTime":2797.5150000000003,"endTime":2801.625,"body":"Um, jealousy as a bad emotion."},{"startTime":2801.625,"endTime":2806.8450000000003,"body":"I think we need to rebrand jealousy as it"},{"startTime":2801.625,"endTime":2806.8450000000003,"body":"is actually one of my favorite emotions."},{"startTime":2807.2650000000003,"endTime":2807.445,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2807.4750000000004,"endTime":2809.875,"body":"Um, to as a therapist, right."},{"startTime":2809.875,"endTime":2811.945,"body":"I'm just like, oh, you're jealous."},{"startTime":2811.945,"endTime":2813.1150000000002,"body":"I have so much to work with."},{"startTime":2813.175,"endTime":2816.235,"body":"I'm like, if you come in with"},{"startTime":2813.175,"endTime":2816.235,"body":"jealousy, I have a whole toolbox."},{"startTime":2816.4750000000004,"endTime":2816.9550000000004,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2816.9550000000004,"endTime":2818.005,"body":"Um, right."},{"startTime":2818.335,"endTime":2821.815,"body":"So I think that's the"},{"startTime":2818.335,"endTime":2821.815,"body":"one, because I think that."},{"startTime":2822.775,"endTime":2826.735,"body":"Uh, the, the script right now is"},{"startTime":2822.775,"endTime":2826.735,"body":"I'm not allowed to be jealous."},{"startTime":2826.795,"endTime":2828.445,"body":"Jealous means I'm bad."},{"startTime":2828.775,"endTime":2833.7850000000003,"body":"Jealous means even in the, like"},{"startTime":2828.775,"endTime":2833.7850000000003,"body":"some of the, you know, the poly"},{"startTime":2833.7850000000003,"endTime":2838.6150000000002,"body":"world, I think, and non-monogamy"},{"startTime":2833.7850000000003,"endTime":2838.6150000000002,"body":"world, there's this idea that like,"},{"startTime":2838.945,"endTime":2841.525,"body":"Compersion is the gold standard."},{"startTime":2841.9750000000004,"endTime":2842.0950000000003,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2842.335,"endTime":2842.665,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2842.905,"endTime":2846.685,"body":"Which I'm convinced that like there's"},{"startTime":2842.905,"endTime":2846.685,"body":"six people who experience that."},{"startTime":2846.985,"endTime":2847.195,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2847.195,"endTime":2848.875,"body":"I think it's not me."},{"startTime":2851.724,"endTime":2853.735,"body":"Gosh, I think I've met one."},{"startTime":2854.215,"endTime":2855.445,"body":"I've met one so far."},{"startTime":2855.655,"endTime":2857.605,"body":"I, I don't know where the other five are."},{"startTime":2857.965,"endTime":2864.235,"body":"Uh, so, but like, I think that we,"},{"startTime":2857.965,"endTime":2864.235,"body":"but thenar, like the mythos is that"},{"startTime":2864.565,"endTime":2869.3050000000003,"body":"if you're, if you are enlightened,"},{"startTime":2864.565,"endTime":2869.3050000000003,"body":"right, if you have done your work."},{"startTime":2869.815,"endTime":2875.425,"body":"And like Compersion is the gold standard"},{"startTime":2869.815,"endTime":2875.425,"body":"and like jealousy is the ugly stepsister"},{"startTime":2875.425,"endTime":2877.135,"body":"who gets locked in the basement."},{"startTime":2877.195,"endTime":2881.395,"body":"And you know, and we don't want"},{"startTime":2877.195,"endTime":2881.395,"body":"to, we don't wanna talk about her."},{"startTime":2882.295,"endTime":2885.925,"body":"We don't want to acknowledge her"},{"startTime":2882.295,"endTime":2885.925,"body":"because that's a you problem."},{"startTime":2885.925,"endTime":2889.675,"body":"And it's like, but no, no, no, no, no."},{"startTime":2890.125,"endTime":2891.025,"body":"Jealousy."},{"startTime":2891.025,"endTime":2892.26,"body":"You know?"},{"startTime":2892.855,"endTime":2897.835,"body":"So many people have a hard time"},{"startTime":2892.855,"endTime":2897.835,"body":"articulating what they want because"},{"startTime":2897.835,"endTime":2899.965,"body":"they don't even know what's possible."},{"startTime":2900.415,"endTime":2900.625,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2900.655,"endTime":2901.0750000000003,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2901.5550000000003,"endTime":2906.415,"body":"And so if you are jealous about something,"},{"startTime":2901.5550000000003,"endTime":2906.415,"body":"ooh, that's your, I mean, that is part"},{"startTime":2906.415,"endTime":2909.1150000000002,"body":"of you going like, well, but I want that."},{"startTime":2909.1150000000002,"endTime":2910.525,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2910.5260000000003,"endTime":2912.295,"body":"Oh, well, isn't that good information?"},{"startTime":2913.435,"endTime":2913.855,"body":"Yep."},{"startTime":2914.485,"endTime":2914.695,"body":"Yep."},{"startTime":2914.695,"endTime":2914.9950000000003,"body":"Right."},{"startTime":2914.9950000000003,"endTime":2915.5950000000003,"body":"And so"},{"startTime":2915.5950000000003,"endTime":2918.0550000000003,"body":"it, it is like one of my favorites."},{"startTime":2918.0550000000003,"endTime":2920.755,"body":"It is one of my favorite,"},{"startTime":2918.0550000000003,"endTime":2920.755,"body":"favorite, favorite emotions now."},{"startTime":2921.445,"endTime":2921.8650000000002,"body":"Same."},{"startTime":2921.8650000000002,"endTime":2921.9550000000004,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2922.27,"endTime":2922.599,"body":"Same."},{"startTime":2922.63,"endTime":2923.619,"body":"You're speaking my language there."},{"startTime":2923.619,"endTime":2926.77,"body":"I actually, I have a keynote talk"},{"startTime":2923.619,"endTime":2926.77,"body":"that is getting turned on by jealousy."},{"startTime":2927.9700000000003,"endTime":2928.09,"body":"Ooh."},{"startTime":2931.329,"endTime":2937.54,"body":"Because it's so, it's so, first of all,"},{"startTime":2931.329,"endTime":2937.54,"body":"just such a human freaking emotion."},{"startTime":2937.81,"endTime":2938.139,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":2938.349,"endTime":2943.0,"body":"Uh, but it's there, there's so many"},{"startTime":2938.349,"endTime":2943.0,"body":"things underneath it, and all of"},{"startTime":2943.0,"endTime":2946.929,"body":"the things that happen in our body"},{"startTime":2943.0,"endTime":2946.929,"body":"are the same things that happen"},{"startTime":2946.929,"endTime":2948.369,"body":"in our body when we're turned on."},{"startTime":2949.494,"endTime":2951.474,"body":"It's all about the story"},{"startTime":2949.494,"endTime":2951.474,"body":"that you're applying to, the"},{"startTime":2951.474,"endTime":2952.974,"body":"sensations you're experiencing."},{"startTime":2954.985,"endTime":2958.675,"body":"Okay, so now I need to go to this"},{"startTime":2954.985,"endTime":2958.675,"body":"talk, so please, please let us"},{"startTime":2958.675,"endTime":2960.264,"body":"know where we can get tickets."},{"startTime":2960.565,"endTime":2961.165,"body":"Um,"},{"startTime":2963.744,"endTime":2964.585,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":2964.764,"endTime":2965.275,"body":"Good stuff."},{"startTime":2966.264,"endTime":2966.775,"body":"Oh, that's so good."},{"startTime":2966.781,"endTime":2967.675,"body":"I love it."},{"startTime":2967.675,"endTime":2967.677,"body":"So good."},{"startTime":2967.677,"endTime":2967.679,"body":"I love it."},{"startTime":2967.704,"endTime":2970.165,"body":"I, I have always been a very"},{"startTime":2967.704,"endTime":2970.165,"body":"jealous person and that has been"},{"startTime":2970.315,"endTime":2974.965,"body":"the bulk of my personal work"},{"startTime":2970.315,"endTime":2974.965,"body":"being nomina in my life really."},{"startTime":2978.4,"endTime":2978.79,"body":"I love it."},{"startTime":2978.985,"endTime":2979.405,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":2979.8700000000003,"endTime":2981.01,"body":"I understand."},{"startTime":2981.01,"endTime":2984.19,"body":"I know, I, I understand"},{"startTime":2981.01,"endTime":2984.19,"body":"that so much, right?"},{"startTime":2984.195,"endTime":2984.2450000000003,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2984.3050000000003,"endTime":2985.1800000000003,"body":"So, yeah."},{"startTime":2985.21,"endTime":2986.32,"body":"That's fantastic."},{"startTime":2986.32,"endTime":2991.75,"body":"Is that, so does that have to do"},{"startTime":2986.32,"endTime":2991.75,"body":"with, um, like the relationship"},{"startTime":2991.75,"endTime":2994.36,"body":"between anxiety and excitement?"},{"startTime":2994.36,"endTime":2995.98,"body":"Like is that, is that related to that?"},{"startTime":2996.4300000000003,"endTime":2997.03,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2997.03,"endTime":2997.2050000000004,"body":"Oh, okay."},{"startTime":2997.3300000000004,"endTime":2998.29,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":2998.6200000000003,"endTime":2998.8300000000004,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":2998.8300000000004,"endTime":2999.5800000000004,"body":"It's very much."},{"startTime":2999.715,"endTime":3003.885,"body":"When, when it hit me that like"},{"startTime":2999.715,"endTime":3003.885,"body":"every time I was really just like"},{"startTime":3004.5750000000003,"endTime":3009.9750000000004,"body":"gut churning, jealous, insecure,"},{"startTime":3004.5750000000003,"endTime":3009.9750000000004,"body":"anxious, I was also like real tingly."},{"startTime":3010.5150000000003,"endTime":3015.675,"body":"And when I noticed it, I was like,"},{"startTime":3010.5150000000003,"endTime":3015.675,"body":"oh, there's like, if this, if I"},{"startTime":3015.675,"endTime":3018.675,"body":"had a different story going, I"},{"startTime":3015.675,"endTime":3018.675,"body":"would be really excited right now."},{"startTime":3018.735,"endTime":3019.7250000000004,"body":"I'd be like revving to go."},{"startTime":3019.7250000000004,"endTime":3019.815,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"startTime":3020.145,"endTime":3021.8250000000003,"body":"Like, all right, let's do the thing."},{"startTime":3022.3050000000003,"endTime":3024.525,"body":"But instead, I have this story"},{"startTime":3022.3050000000003,"endTime":3024.525,"body":"that like, I'm about to be"},{"startTime":3024.525,"endTime":3025.935,"body":"abandoned and rejected, and."},{"startTime":3026.31,"endTime":3030.63,"body":"I'm terrible and the worst and everybody's"},{"startTime":3026.31,"endTime":3030.63,"body":"more beautiful and funny and funny than"},{"startTime":3030.63,"endTime":3032.369,"body":"me and gives better blow jobs and Right."},{"startTime":3032.369,"endTime":3033.659,"body":"Like all of these things."},{"startTime":3033.659,"endTime":3037.59,"body":"And I'm like, but also if that"},{"startTime":3033.659,"endTime":3037.59,"body":"weren't what I was thinking."},{"startTime":3038.579,"endTime":3038.79,"body":"Hmm."},{"startTime":3040.949,"endTime":3042.69,"body":"That is fascinating."},{"startTime":3042.69,"endTime":3043.71,"body":"I love that."},{"startTime":3044.099,"endTime":3044.4,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3044.639,"endTime":3044.909,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3045.06,"endTime":3045.78,"body":"It's a lot of fun."},{"startTime":3046.5,"endTime":3047.07,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":3047.969,"endTime":3048.36,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":3048.755,"endTime":3050.67,"body":"Oh, oh my goodness."},{"startTime":3051.69,"endTime":3053.88,"body":"I don't know if you have a TED"},{"startTime":3051.69,"endTime":3053.88,"body":"Talk, but you need one now."},{"startTime":3054.15,"endTime":3055.53,"body":"Not yet, but I'm working on it."},{"startTime":3060.69,"endTime":3061.86,"body":"Uh, how can people find you?"},{"startTime":3063.1200000000003,"endTime":3070.5,"body":"Yeah, so I am on Instagram, so"},{"startTime":3063.1200000000003,"endTime":3070.5,"body":"it's um, Emma Smith, PhD, and"},{"startTime":3070.5,"endTime":3077.5800000000004,"body":"I also have a Substack, which"},{"startTime":3070.5,"endTime":3077.5800000000004,"body":"is Emma Smith phd.substack.com."},{"startTime":3077.61,"endTime":3079.86,"body":"I always mess that up, but"},{"startTime":3077.61,"endTime":3079.86,"body":"I think I got it right."},{"startTime":3079.86,"endTime":3082.8900000000003,"body":"That one is called, it's my, it's my."},{"startTime":3083.369,"endTime":3087.389,"body":"Really, it's kind of like more of my"},{"startTime":3083.369,"endTime":3087.389,"body":"philosophical writing about intimacy"},{"startTime":3087.389,"endTime":3091.679,"body":"and presence and relationships and"},{"startTime":3087.389,"endTime":3091.679,"body":"kind of doing that deeper dive."},{"startTime":3091.679,"endTime":3095.759,"body":"'cause I'm a nerd and I love"},{"startTime":3091.679,"endTime":3095.759,"body":"it, you know, and so I do that."},{"startTime":3095.969,"endTime":3100.619,"body":"And then, um, for therapy, like if,"},{"startTime":3095.969,"endTime":3100.619,"body":"you know, if people are in Tennessee"},{"startTime":3100.619,"endTime":3105.119,"body":"or I'm licensed in dc, Maryland,"},{"startTime":3100.619,"endTime":3105.119,"body":"Virginia, Texas, and Tennessee."},{"startTime":3105.735,"endTime":3109.965,"body":"So if they're in any of those states"},{"startTime":3105.735,"endTime":3109.965,"body":"and they wanna work with me, then"},{"startTime":3110.025,"endTime":3113.685,"body":"my, I'm in private practice and"},{"startTime":3110.025,"endTime":3113.685,"body":"my practice is called soliloquy."},{"startTime":3114.045,"endTime":3118.815,"body":"Um, so I can, I can provide"},{"startTime":3114.045,"endTime":3118.815,"body":"the, the link for that."},{"startTime":3118.815,"endTime":3119.415,"body":"So, yeah."},{"startTime":3120.2250000000004,"endTime":3120.7650000000003,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":3121.0350000000003,"endTime":3121.395,"body":"Amazing."},{"startTime":3121.395,"endTime":3123.675,"body":"I'll put it all in the, in the"},{"startTime":3121.395,"endTime":3123.675,"body":"show notes so people can find it."},{"startTime":3124.125,"endTime":3130.125,"body":"Um, I have one more question for you,"},{"startTime":3124.125,"endTime":3130.125,"body":"and this goes, um, on our Patreon"},{"startTime":3130.155,"endTime":3132.585,"body":"at patreon.com/not monogamous."},{"startTime":3132.6150000000002,"endTime":3137.0550000000003,"body":"For our supporters, uh, the"},{"startTime":3132.6150000000002,"endTime":3137.0550000000003,"body":"segment's, just the tip, and it"},{"startTime":3137.0550000000003,"endTime":3141.885,"body":"is, what is a, uh, favorite or"},{"startTime":3137.0550000000003,"endTime":3141.885,"body":"best sex tip that you would give?"},{"startTime":3152.384,"endTime":3154.755,"body":"I love that from one Scorpio to another."},{"startTime":3155.054,"endTime":3157.485,"body":"That is probably my favorite"},{"startTime":3155.054,"endTime":3157.485,"body":"tip that we've gotten."},{"startTime":3158.625,"endTime":3159.074,"body":"Oh yeah."},{"startTime":3159.074,"endTime":3159.675,"body":"Yay."},{"startTime":3159.675,"endTime":3159.974,"body":"Thank"},{"startTime":3159.974,"endTime":3160.275,"body":"you."},{"startTime":3160.994,"endTime":3161.384,"body":"Yeah, so good."},{"startTime":3161.384,"endTime":3161.505,"body":"That's awesome."},{"startTime":3163.665,"endTime":3164.565,"body":"So good."},{"startTime":3166.695,"endTime":3169.005,"body":"Oh, thank you so much"},{"startTime":3166.695,"endTime":3169.005,"body":"for coming on the show."},{"startTime":3169.005,"endTime":3170.264,"body":"This has been fantastic."},{"startTime":3171.165,"endTime":3172.485,"body":"Oh, it's been so much fun."},{"startTime":3172.485,"endTime":3173.715,"body":"Thank you for having me."},{"startTime":3174.135,"endTime":3175.0950000000003,"body":"Of course, of"},{"startTime":3175.0950000000003,"endTime":3175.635,"body":"course."},{"startTime":3176.895,"endTime":3179.295,"body":"Wow, how incredible is Dr."},{"startTime":3179.295,"endTime":3179.655,"body":"Emma?"},{"startTime":3180.0150000000003,"endTime":3182.9550000000004,"body":"I am genuinely still buzzing"},{"startTime":3180.0150000000003,"endTime":3182.9550000000004,"body":"from this conversation."},{"startTime":3183.2250000000004,"endTime":3187.425,"body":"I only just met her, but her work feels"},{"startTime":3183.2250000000004,"endTime":3187.425,"body":"really aligned with mine, and that was"},{"startTime":3187.425,"endTime":3191.925,"body":"like talking to an old friend who just"},{"startTime":3187.425,"endTime":3191.925,"body":"kind of gets it from, you know, body-based"},{"startTime":3191.925,"endTime":3196.695,"body":"boundaries, uh, emotional safety plans to"},{"startTime":3191.925,"endTime":3196.695,"body":"that really beautiful reframe on jealousy."},{"startTime":3196.695,"endTime":3198.255,"body":"This episode was so full of nuggets."},{"startTime":3198.6150000000002,"endTime":3202.514,"body":"I imagine you'll probably come back to it"},{"startTime":3198.6150000000002,"endTime":3202.514,"body":"a few times if this resonated with you."},{"startTime":3202.545,"endTime":3206.175,"body":"Share it with someone else who's"},{"startTime":3202.545,"endTime":3206.175,"body":"like navigating all of this beautiful"},{"startTime":3206.175,"endTime":3210.014,"body":"chaos of non-monogamy, or someone who"},{"startTime":3206.175,"endTime":3210.014,"body":"just loves good relationship wisdom."},{"startTime":3210.3450000000003,"endTime":3212.415,"body":"And if you wanna hear more from Dr."},{"startTime":3212.415,"endTime":3214.425,"body":"Emma, don't miss her."},{"startTime":3214.425,"endTime":3215.175,"body":"Really juicy."},{"startTime":3215.175,"endTime":3219.744,"body":"Just the tip bonus segment over on"},{"startTime":3215.175,"endTime":3219.744,"body":"Patreon, patreon.com/notmonogamous."},{"startTime":3220.0950000000003,"endTime":3224.025,"body":"She shared a really great practice for"},{"startTime":3220.0950000000003,"endTime":3224.025,"body":"getting in touch with your sexiest self"},{"startTime":3224.025,"endTime":3225.19,"body":"before you get anywhere near the bedroom."},{"startTime":3226.425,"endTime":3228.764,"body":"It's probably one of my favorite"},{"startTime":3226.425,"endTime":3228.764,"body":"tips that we've had so far."},{"startTime":3228.945,"endTime":3233.775,"body":"You can get that and support the show"},{"startTime":3228.945,"endTime":3233.775,"body":"by heading over to Patreon, becoming one"},{"startTime":3233.775,"endTime":3235.665,"body":"of our lovers or friends with benefits."},{"startTime":3236.145,"endTime":3240.645,"body":"Every subscriber keeps us"},{"startTime":3236.145,"endTime":3240.645,"body":"creating more and more content"},{"startTime":3241.125,"endTime":3244.335,"body":"and spreading the love around."},{"startTime":3244.335,"endTime":3244.665,"body":"Right?"},{"startTime":3244.875,"endTime":3247.935,"body":"Make sure that you, you know, hit the"},{"startTime":3244.875,"endTime":3247.935,"body":"subscribe button wherever you're at,"},{"startTime":3248.0550000000003,"endTime":3250.185,"body":"and, um, leave a comment or a review."},{"startTime":3250.485,"endTime":3251.715,"body":"Share this with a friend."},{"startTime":3251.985,"endTime":3253.425,"body":"Thank you so much for listening."},{"startTime":3253.695,"endTime":3254.025,"body":"Bye."}]}