{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":1.006,"endTime":3.375,"body":"Have you ever rehearsed"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":1.006,"endTime":3.375,"body":"a conversation in your head like"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":3.486,"endTime":8.955,"body":"50 times, and then the second you"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":3.486,"endTime":8.955,"body":"actually try to have that conversation,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":9.235,"endTime":10.235,"body":"everything comes out wrong?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":11.476,"endTime":17.796,"body":"Suddenly you're, like, crying or shutting"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":11.476,"endTime":17.796,"body":"down or getting defensive or trying so"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":17.796,"endTime":22.796,"body":"hard to stay calm that you just stop"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":17.796,"endTime":22.796,"body":"saying what you actually mean, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":23.305,"endTime":27.395,"body":"A lot of people think that they're,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":23.305,"endTime":27.395,"body":"like, really bad at communication, but"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":27.516,"endTime":31.366,"body":"genuinely, uh, most people were never"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":27.516,"endTime":31.366,"body":"taught how to talk about hard things while"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":31.366,"endTime":35.215,"body":"their, their nervous system is activated,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":31.366,"endTime":35.215,"body":"especially when it comes to jealousy,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":35.256,"endTime":40.546,"body":"especially when they're afraid of sounding"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":35.256,"endTime":40.546,"body":"needy, controlling, dramatic, too much."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":41.006,"endTime":44.026,"body":"And so today we're gonna talk about how"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":41.006,"endTime":44.026,"body":"to have those conversations differently."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":45.105,"endTime":45.645,"body":"Hey, friends."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":45.645,"endTime":47.316,"body":"Welcome back to Nope,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":45.645,"endTime":47.316,"body":"We're Not Monogamous."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":47.546,"endTime":50.605,"body":"I'm Ellecia Paine, your non-monogamous"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":47.546,"endTime":50.605,"body":"relationship coach, and today we're"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":50.605,"endTime":54.055,"body":"gonna talk about communication and"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":50.605,"endTime":54.055,"body":"conflict and how to navigate hard"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":54.055,"endTime":58.395,"body":"conversations around jealousy without"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":54.055,"endTime":58.395,"body":"completely losing yourself in the process."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":59.055,"endTime":63.066,"body":"Because communication is one of those"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":59.055,"endTime":63.066,"body":"things that everybody says is important,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":63.066,"endTime":64.105,"body":"the most important thing, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":64.476,"endTime":67.245,"body":"But very few people are actually"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":64.476,"endTime":67.245,"body":"taught how to do it well."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":67.616,"endTime":69.796,"body":"I mean, don't get me wrong,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":67.616,"endTime":69.796,"body":"like, we all talk a lot."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":70.476,"endTime":74.336,"body":"Most of us talk more than enough, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":74.715,"endTime":78.486,"body":"But, but communication is another story,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":74.715,"endTime":78.486,"body":"especially when, like, emotions are high,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":78.486,"endTime":83.955,"body":"especially when your attachment wounds are"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":78.486,"endTime":83.955,"body":"involved or when your, your, like, like,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":83.955,"endTime":86.105,"body":"your body feels activated and vulnerable."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":87.105,"endTime":90.226,"body":"So if you've ever, like, avoided a"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":87.105,"endTime":90.226,"body":"conversation until you just exploded,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":90.226,"endTime":93.936,"body":"it just came out, or brought something"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":90.226,"endTime":93.936,"body":"up and immediately regretted how it"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":93.936,"endTime":98.546,"body":"came out, or struggled to ask for"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":93.936,"endTime":98.546,"body":"reassurance without feeling too needy,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":99.046,"endTime":103.325,"body":"or shut down during hard conversations,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":99.046,"endTime":103.325,"body":"or felt really misunderstood while"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":103.325,"endTime":107.876,"body":"trying to explain your jealousy, then"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":103.325,"endTime":107.876,"body":"I'm recording this episode for you."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":108.476,"endTime":111.476,"body":"And, uh, I'm recording it late"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":108.476,"endTime":111.476,"body":"because as you can probably"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":111.476,"endTime":113.065,"body":"hear, I have been super sick."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":113.556,"endTime":117.416,"body":"Um, so this is what you get."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":119.025,"endTime":124.726,"body":"Uh, one of the biggest things that I"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":119.025,"endTime":124.726,"body":"see in jealousy conversations is that"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":124.726,"endTime":129.386,"body":"people are trying to communicate while"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":124.726,"endTime":129.386,"body":"they're fully activated, and that's really"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":129.386,"endTime":134.366,"body":"hard because when your nervous system"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":129.386,"endTime":134.366,"body":"feels, like, unsafe, your communication"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":134.366,"endTime":138.875,"body":"gets defensive, reactive, blaming."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":139.595,"endTime":141.866,"body":"Uh, y- you start shutting down."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":141.895,"endTime":145.196,"body":"Maybe you're trying to mind read"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":141.895,"endTime":145.196,"body":"or you're panic talking, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":146.295,"endTime":148.666,"body":"And a lot of the time what we're"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":146.295,"endTime":148.666,"body":"actually trying to communicate"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":148.765,"endTime":154.265,"body":"underneath all of that is, \"I feel"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":148.765,"endTime":154.265,"body":"really scared and I need reassurance."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":154.386,"endTime":155.586,"body":"I don't wanna lose you."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":156.326,"endTime":158.116,"body":"I want to feel important."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":158.735,"endTime":161.076,"body":"I don't know how to say this"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":158.735,"endTime":161.076,"body":"without feeling ashamed.\""},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":163.019,"endTime":166.14,"body":"But instead it kind of,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":163.019,"endTime":166.14,"body":"it comes out sideways."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":166.14,"endTime":170.799,"body":"It comes out like, \"Well, you care about"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":166.14,"endTime":170.799,"body":"them more than me,\" or, \"You never think"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":170.799,"endTime":173.38,"body":"about my feelings,\" or, \"Fine, whatever."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":173.38,"endTime":175.99,"body":"Just do whatever you want.\" Right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":176.71,"endTime":177.84,"body":"That, it doesn't feel good."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":178.55,"endTime":186.899,"body":"And this, this is why emotional regulation"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":178.55,"endTime":186.899,"body":"and communication are so deeply connected."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":187.69,"endTime":192.149,"body":"It's really hard to communicate clearly"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":187.69,"endTime":192.149,"body":"when your nervous system thinks that"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":192.149,"endTime":193.639,"body":"you're fighting for your survival."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":194.24,"endTime":198.309,"body":"It's really hard to think logically"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":194.24,"endTime":198.309,"body":"when your nervous system is like, \"Run,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":198.359,"endTime":201.03,"body":"fight, fall down, play dead,\" right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":202.379,"endTime":204.899,"body":"So how do we talk about"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":202.379,"endTime":204.899,"body":"jealousy without blame?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":206.059,"endTime":210.44,"body":"And this is where I statements, I, me,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":206.059,"endTime":210.44,"body":"I statements can be really helpful."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":210.699,"endTime":213.719,"body":"And not because we're trying to,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":210.699,"endTime":213.719,"body":"like, sound like therapy robots, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":214.55,"endTime":218.57,"body":"Also, just because you start a"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":214.55,"endTime":218.57,"body":"sentence with I does not magically"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":218.6,"endTime":220.89,"body":"make it healthy communication, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":221.129,"endTime":224.879,"body":"Saying, \"I think you're being a"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":221.129,"endTime":224.879,"body":"dick,\" is not healthy communication."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":224.969,"endTime":228.93,"body":"It's technically an I statement, but"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":224.969,"endTime":228.93,"body":"that's not what I'm talking about here."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":229.199,"endTime":233.39,"body":"The, the point of I statements isn't"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":229.199,"endTime":233.39,"body":"how do I say the same accusation"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":233.579,"endTime":235.809,"body":"in a softer voice, in a kinder way."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":236.5,"endTime":240.309,"body":"Uh, the point is taking ownership"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":236.5,"endTime":240.309,"body":"of your own actual experience."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":241.379,"endTime":246.61,"body":"So instead of you just, you saying like,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":241.379,"endTime":246.61,"body":"\"You never care about my feelings,\""},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":247.32,"endTime":250.93,"body":"it becomes like, \"I notice that I've"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":247.32,"endTime":250.93,"body":"been feeling disconnected, and I"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":250.93,"endTime":254.22,"body":"feel insecure, and I think I need"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":250.93,"endTime":254.22,"body":"more reassurance and quality time.\""},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":255.5,"endTime":257.96,"body":"And you feel the difference in"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":255.5,"endTime":257.96,"body":"those two, two things, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":257.96,"endTime":263.24,"body":"One makes your partner defensive, and the"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":257.96,"endTime":263.24,"body":"other invites your partner to understand"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":263.24,"endTime":268.703,"body":"what you're experiencing And that"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":263.24,"endTime":268.703,"body":"doesn't mean you can never be frustrated."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":269.034,"endTime":270.474,"body":"You can absolutely be angry."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":270.773,"endTime":272.664,"body":"You can absolutely have boundaries."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":272.664,"endTime":274.333,"body":"You can call out harmful behavior."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":274.514,"endTime":275.743,"body":"Yes, yes to all of that."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":276.543,"endTime":281.083,"body":"But when your goal is to feel more"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":276.543,"endTime":281.083,"body":"connected to your partner, clarity"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":281.673,"endTime":283.284,"body":"works a lot better than accusation."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":284.104,"endTime":287.413,"body":"Underneath a lot of reactive"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":284.104,"endTime":287.413,"body":"communication is usually something"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":287.413,"endTime":289.094,"body":"a lot more vulnerable, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":289.094,"endTime":290.663,"body":"Feeling scared or hurt."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":290.753,"endTime":296.794,"body":"\"I wanna matter to you. I don't know how"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":290.753,"endTime":296.794,"body":"to say this without feeling weird,\" right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":297.233,"endTime":299.373,"body":"And that kind of honesty"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":297.233,"endTime":299.373,"body":"is really exposing."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":299.373,"endTime":300.224,"body":"It's really vulnerable."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":301.344,"endTime":304.193,"body":"And that's actually where"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":301.344,"endTime":304.193,"body":"you get real intimacy, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":304.224,"endTime":307.533,"body":"You get intimacy out of vulnerability,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":304.224,"endTime":307.533,"body":"and that's the part that a"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":307.533,"endTime":308.413,"body":"lot of people struggle with."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":309.594,"endTime":314.634,"body":"This is why I created Beyond Jealousy,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":309.594,"endTime":314.634,"body":"uh, because so many people know how"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":315.143,"endTime":320.443,"body":"they want to communicate, but the"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":315.143,"endTime":320.443,"body":"second jealousy, fear, insecurity, or"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":320.443,"endTime":324.483,"body":"activation shows up, everything gets"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":320.443,"endTime":324.483,"body":"all tangled and messy and weird feeling."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":324.954,"endTime":329.163,"body":"So in this group coaching program, we"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":324.954,"endTime":329.163,"body":"practice, like, how to communicate without"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":329.434,"endTime":335.013,"body":"blame, how to regulate your nervous"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":329.434,"endTime":335.013,"body":"system during hard conversations, how"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":335.013,"endTime":340.074,"body":"to ask for reassurance without feeling"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":335.013,"endTime":340.074,"body":"ashamed or shaming your partner, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":340.254,"endTime":344.483,"body":"How to stop shutting down, exploding, or"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":340.254,"endTime":344.483,"body":"abandoning, abandoning yourself when your"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":344.483,"endTime":346.543,"body":"emotions are getting bigger and louder."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":347.074,"endTime":352.034,"body":"Because communication skills are"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":347.074,"endTime":352.034,"body":"one thing, but actually being able"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":352.034,"endTime":356.094,"body":"to use them while your attachment"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":352.034,"endTime":356.094,"body":"wounds are screaming at you is an"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":356.094,"endTime":358.704,"body":"entirely-- Uh, that's deeper work."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":359.653,"endTime":362.803,"body":"So, so if you're listening to this"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":359.653,"endTime":362.803,"body":"and you're thinking, \"Yep, this is"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":362.803,"endTime":366.784,"body":"exactly what happens to me\"... I"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":362.803,"endTime":366.784,"body":"know that's what happened for me."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":367.193,"endTime":370.833,"body":"Uh, y- you can join us in Beyond Jealousy,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":367.193,"endTime":370.833,"body":"the link's in the show notes, or you"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":370.833,"endTime":376.787,"body":"can go to elleciapaine.com/jealousy"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":370.833,"endTime":376.787,"body":"Uh, okay, so now let's talk about"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":376.787,"endTime":379.587,"body":"something people forget all the"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":376.787,"endTime":379.587,"body":"time when it comes to communication."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":381.258,"endTime":381.848,"body":"Listening."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":382.698,"endTime":386.817,"body":"Listening is part of communication"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":382.698,"endTime":386.817,"body":"too, and a lot of people think"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":386.817,"endTime":389.817,"body":"that communication is mostly"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":386.817,"endTime":389.817,"body":"about expressing themselves."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":390.937,"endTime":393.298,"body":"But listening matters just as much."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":393.347,"endTime":396.907,"body":"Understanding what your partner is"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":393.347,"endTime":396.907,"body":"trying to communicate matters just"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":396.907,"endTime":400.257,"body":"as much, and not waiting for your"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":396.907,"endTime":400.257,"body":"turn to talk kind of listening, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":400.818,"endTime":404.958,"body":"Actually listening, trying to understand"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":400.818,"endTime":404.958,"body":"instead of immediately defending"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":404.958,"endTime":407.338,"body":"yourself or trying to remember that one"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":404.958,"endTime":407.338,"body":"thing they said because you wanna come"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":407.338,"endTime":409.838,"body":"back to it and, and, and reply, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":410.127,"endTime":415.248,"body":"When you're trying to hear what does this"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":410.127,"endTime":415.248,"body":"person actually need right now, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":415.528,"endTime":417.018,"body":"What do they actually need from me?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":417.018,"endTime":419.187,"body":"What do they actually want out of this?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":419.937,"endTime":426.737,"body":"'Cause sometimes when someone brings up"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":419.937,"endTime":426.737,"body":"jealousy, what they really want is not"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":426.978,"endTime":429.847,"body":"control or punishment or restriction."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":430.478,"endTime":435.278,"body":"Sometimes they want, like, reassurance,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":430.478,"endTime":435.278,"body":"understanding, collaboration,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":435.278,"endTime":439.377,"body":"emotional safety, to work together,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":435.278,"endTime":439.377,"body":"to be on the same team, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":439.407,"endTime":443.987,"body":"And when we feel heard, our nervous"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":439.407,"endTime":443.987,"body":"system softens, and that doesn't"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":443.987,"endTime":446.258,"body":"automatically mean that you agree"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":443.987,"endTime":446.258,"body":"with everything they're saying."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":446.847,"endTime":449.727,"body":"But feeling understood"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":446.847,"endTime":449.727,"body":"changes conversations."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":449.727,"endTime":452.038,"body":"It changes the way we"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":449.727,"endTime":452.038,"body":"interact with each other."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":452.447,"endTime":454.727,"body":"And non-verbal communication matters too."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":455.458,"endTime":460.337,"body":"Sometimes the loudest communication in"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":455.458,"endTime":460.337,"body":"a conversation is not verbal at all."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":460.337,"endTime":461.047,"body":"It's not the words."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":461.047,"endTime":465.087,"body":"It's tone, it's facial expression,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":461.047,"endTime":465.087,"body":"it's body language, silence, eye rolls,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":465.117,"endTime":468.807,"body":"sighing, crossed arms, looking at your"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":465.117,"endTime":468.807,"body":"phone while someone's trying to be"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":468.807,"endTime":474.017,"body":"vulnerable, falling asleep while they're"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":468.807,"endTime":474.017,"body":"talking about how they're feeling, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":474.398,"endTime":478.398,"body":"Your nervous system notices all of"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":474.398,"endTime":478.398,"body":"that, and especially in conversations"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":478.398,"endTime":483.737,"body":"around jealousy, people are often"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":478.398,"endTime":483.737,"body":"scanning heavily for, for signs, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":483.737,"endTime":487.117,"body":"For signs of, like, rejection"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":483.737,"endTime":487.117,"body":"or annoyance, disconnection,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":487.398,"endTime":488.587,"body":"emotional withdrawal."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":489.057,"endTime":491.538,"body":"So communication isn't"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":489.057,"endTime":491.538,"body":"just what am I saying?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":491.998,"endTime":493.888,"body":"What are the right words to use?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":494.197,"endTime":497.138,"body":"It's also how am I being"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":494.197,"endTime":497.138,"body":"experienced right now?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":497.877,"endTime":500.318,"body":"Are my words and my energy lining up?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":501.498,"endTime":505.158,"body":"And that awareness really changes"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":501.498,"endTime":505.158,"body":"the energy of a hard conversation."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":505.518,"endTime":507.567,"body":"And you don't have to"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":505.518,"endTime":507.567,"body":"communicate perfectly, I promise."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":507.628,"endTime":510.238,"body":"I actually think a lot of people avoid"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":507.628,"endTime":510.238,"body":"hard conversations because they're"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":510.238,"endTime":513.628,"body":"so scared to get it wrong, to do the"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":510.238,"endTime":513.628,"body":"wrong thing, to say the wrong thing,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":513.628,"endTime":515.498,"body":"to not have it all figured out."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":515.598,"endTime":518.128,"body":"But you don't need to be perfect, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":518.128,"endTime":519.378,"body":"You're gonna stumble sometimes."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":520.707,"endTime":525.007,"body":"You're going to say things imperfectly,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":520.707,"endTime":525.007,"body":"and you're gonna get activated."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":525.927,"endTime":526.427,"body":"So are they."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":526.968,"endTime":527.408,"body":"That's human."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":527.408,"endTime":528.048,"body":"That's normal."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":528.697,"endTime":530.507,"body":"That's relationships, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":530.507,"endTime":532.858,"body":"So your goal is not to never"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":530.507,"endTime":532.858,"body":"mess up and to be perfect."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":532.858,"endTime":536.677,"body":"The goal is can we stay"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":532.858,"endTime":536.677,"body":"connected enough to repair?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":537.488,"endTime":539.707,"body":"Can we come back together"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":537.488,"endTime":539.707,"body":"after a conflict?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":539.707,"endTime":543.988,"body":"Can we have clarity in our"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":539.707,"endTime":543.988,"body":"relationship instead of defensiveness?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":544.878,"endTime":547.257,"body":"Can we say, \"Ooh, that didn't"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":544.878,"endTime":547.257,"body":"come out how I meant it\"?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":548.528,"endTime":550.197,"body":"That's where you get"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":548.528,"endTime":550.197,"body":"healthy communication, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":550.718,"endTime":552.628,"body":"That's where you get repair"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":550.718,"endTime":552.628,"body":"in your relationships."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":553.995,"endTime":557.725,"body":"So before your next hard conversation,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":553.995,"endTime":557.725,"body":"I want you to ask yourself,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":558.326,"endTime":561.286,"body":"\"What am, what am I actually"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":558.326,"endTime":561.286,"body":"needing underneath this emotion?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":561.286,"endTime":566.926,"body":"What do I actually need under all of"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":561.286,"endTime":566.926,"body":"this?\" Then try communicating that"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":567.516,"endTime":571.265,"body":"instead of the accusation or the panic"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":567.516,"endTime":571.265,"body":"story, the deeper truth underneath it."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":571.785,"endTime":576.705,"body":"That's where your connection is"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":571.785,"endTime":576.705,"body":"gonna, gonna feel more connected."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":579.526,"endTime":582.466,"body":"'Cause a lot of time underneath"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":579.526,"endTime":582.466,"body":"jealousy is something a lot"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":582.466,"endTime":583.676,"body":"softer and more vulnerable."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":583.786,"endTime":586.475,"body":"So maybe the need is"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":583.786,"endTime":586.475,"body":"like, I need reassurance."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":587.116,"endTime":588.435,"body":"I need more connection."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":589.326,"endTime":591.315,"body":"I need, uh, clarity."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":592.065,"endTime":594.336,"body":"Need-- I, I really need to feel chosen."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":595.366,"endTime":596.816,"body":"I need more consistency."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":597.036,"endTime":599.726,"body":"I need to know that we're"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":597.036,"endTime":599.726,"body":"actually okay even though my"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":599.726,"endTime":600.886,"body":"brain is telling me we're not."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":601.245,"endTime":603.015,"body":"I need support, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":603.816,"endTime":608.985,"body":"Uh, and those conversations go a lot"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":603.816,"endTime":608.985,"body":"differently than, \"I know that you care"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":608.985,"endTime":613.095,"body":"about them more than me,\" or, uh, \"You"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":608.985,"endTime":613.095,"body":"never think about my feelings,\" or,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":613.095,"endTime":614.856,"body":"\"Clearly I'm not important anymore.\""},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":615.075,"endTime":615.546,"body":"Right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":615.766,"endTime":619.546,"body":"So, so when-- Because when we"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":615.766,"endTime":619.546,"body":"communicate from this, like, panic"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":619.546,"endTime":622.145,"body":"story, our partners hear blame."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":622.356,"endTime":626.496,"body":"But when we communicate the deeper"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":622.356,"endTime":626.496,"body":"feelings underneath it, our partners"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":626.496,"endTime":629.555,"body":"are much more able to hear our actual"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":626.496,"endTime":629.555,"body":"heart, like what's really happening."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":629.796,"endTime":630.996,"body":"I know vulnerability is hard."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":630.996,"endTime":636.345,"body":"For a lot of people, anger feels safer"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":630.996,"endTime":636.345,"body":"and easier than honesty, and defensiveness"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":636.345,"endTime":638.305,"body":"feels safer than saying, \"This hurt me."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":638.526,"endTime":644.235,"body":"I'm, I'm in pain.\" But underneath so many"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":638.526,"endTime":644.235,"body":"conflict, like, cycles is usually somebody"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":644.235,"endTime":647.816,"body":"desperately trying to say, \"Please don't"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":644.235,"endTime":647.816,"body":"disconnect from me.\" That's, that's"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":647.816,"endTime":649.676,"body":"the deeper thing under there, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":651.186,"endTime":654.956,"body":"And when you can communicate from"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":651.186,"endTime":654.956,"body":"that place instead of panic and"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":654.956,"endTime":658.625,"body":"accusation and fear, that's where"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":654.956,"endTime":658.625,"body":"you get, like, deep intimacy."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":659.835,"endTime":664.165,"body":"That's where your repairs happen,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":659.835,"endTime":664.165,"body":"and that's where connection feels"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":664.165,"endTime":665.576,"body":"really safe instead of scary."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":666.445,"endTime":670.176,"body":"So that is exactly the kind of work"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":666.445,"endTime":670.176,"body":"we're doing in Beyond Jealousy, okay?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":670.176,"endTime":673.356,"body":"Because communication isn't just"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":670.176,"endTime":673.356,"body":"about saying the right words."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":673.756,"endTime":678.186,"body":"It's really learning how to regulate your"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":673.756,"endTime":678.186,"body":"nervous system and commu- communicate"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":678.225,"endTime":683.445,"body":"honestly without collapsing into shame,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":678.225,"endTime":683.445,"body":"and asking for what you need really"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":683.445,"endTime":687.945,"body":"clearly, and navigating all the conflict"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":683.445,"endTime":687.945,"body":"that comes up without losing yourself,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":687.945,"endTime":691.956,"body":"without losing your relationship, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":691.956,"endTime":695.415,"body":"Creating, uh, and creating emotional"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":691.956,"endTime":695.415,"body":"safety in your relationships."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":696.176,"endTime":700.905,"body":"So if this episode hit home for you, uh,"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":696.176,"endTime":700.905,"body":"the link to Beyond Jealousy is in the show"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":700.905,"endTime":702.185,"body":"notes, or go to elleciapaine.com/jealousy."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":704.536,"endTime":706.276,"body":"And as always, like, take what resonates."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":706.276,"endTime":707.026,"body":"Take what works for you."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":707.026,"endTime":708.716,"body":"Leave the rest behind, right?"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":708.716,"endTime":709.886,"body":"Your relationships are unique."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":709.886,"endTime":710.516,"body":"You're unique."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":710.516,"endTime":714.805,"body":"Your communication is yours, and"},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":710.516,"endTime":714.805,"body":"you get to be really human about it."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":716.136,"endTime":717.766,"body":"And there's also always room for growth."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":718.195,"endTime":721.615,"body":"Uh, so thanks for being here."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":721.615,"endTime":722.475,"body":"Thanks for watching."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":722.835,"endTime":723.975,"body":"Uh, leave a comment."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":723.975,"endTime":724.996,"body":"Let me know what you think."},{"speaker":"Speaker 2","startTime":725.546,"endTime":725.856,"body":"Bye."}]}