SUMMARY KEYWORDS
people, insecurities, polyamorous, wife, person, relationship, love, polyamory, life, monogamous, sex, thinking, feel, partner, monogamy, podcast, experiences, realizing, open, toddler
SPEAKERS
Danny, Ellecia
Ellecia 00:07
Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships, enthusiastic non monogamy, polyamory, swinging, kink, and our lives, you'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, nope we're not monogamous. Today, I'm talking to Danny, the producer and editor of Nope, we're not monogamous, and also one of my partners. And this is really exciting for me because I get to chat with him. And, you know, share with all of you the story of how a couple of high school sweethearts from a small town in the Midwest wound up in a committed married polyamorous quad. And living in the Pacific Northwest. This conversation is so much fun for me because they have a really unique, successful and healthy relationship. And so sharing with you, the listeners, how that came about, and the challenges that they faced and how they've overcome them is just it's a really wonderful story. And I wonder if I'm hitting on all the questions that you would want to ask if you were sitting here yourself. So as you're listening to the show. And if you find yourself wanting to know more or wanting to know specific things, shoot me an email or send me a message on social media and ask away I would love that kind of input. And I hope you enjoy the show today. Danny, you're on my podcast.
Danny 01:53
I am, finally.
Ellecia 01:54
Finally, we've never done this before. We never recorded a podcast and then saved it in the wrong file never. And then returned that computer.
Danny 02:10
Oh my god.
Ellecia 02:11
For it to be lost forever.
Danny 02:12
Forever and ever.
Ellecia 02:14
No, that didn't happen to us. So no, of course not welcome. Thank you. Okay, but Okay, let's just talk.
Danny 02:22
Okay, yeah, we'll just have a conversation.
Ellecia 02:24
Yeah. So are you polyamorous?
Danny 02:28
The funny thing is I am not. I am polyamorous. Yeah, I'm in I'm in a big old polycule if you will. A Tribe a pod. Oh, I'm one of four.
Ellecia 02:44
Like whales pod...
Danny 02:46
And then I also have a girlfriend
Ellecia 02:48
You do, why didn't you tell me?!
Danny 02:53
I thought it'd be kind of cool to do on the air.
Ellecia 02:56
And this is when he reveals to me this big secret
Danny 03:02
It is my secret.
Ellecia 03:04
Yeah, your big secret that I'm your girlfriend? I mean Oh spoiler yet.
Danny 03:09
Well, now there's no point to finish the podcast guys. It's over.
Ellecia 03:11
Okay, tell me how Have you always been polyamorous? Have you been monogamous? Have you been? Tell me tell me your life story. In regards to romantic relationships.
Danny 03:27
Um, I feel like most people in America I was not raised polyamorous. No, I spent most of my life monogamous. It wasn't until like, I don't know, like four years ago that my wife and I opened our relationship.
Ellecia 03:42
So you you only opened it four years ago? It was completely monogamous before that.
Danny 03:47
No, it was like monogamish. I mean, in a love, love kind of way. You know, like was allowing ourselves to be free and open about it. I married essentially my high school sweetheart. Like we were very young when we got married. And yeah, I think even I'd like to be probably made it like a couple years before we started putting the ish in our monogamish. But yeah, we made it like almost like 10 years around about before we realize that like we could I want to say that realized that we were polyamorous. I feel like we probably had suspicions before that. But we accepted it. We allowed ourselves to have that. Like we quit making sacrifices to to be happy as we saw it on TV and just decided to be happy.
Ellecia 04:39
Hmm, yeah. Yeah. I love it. When people figure out that like, they can make their relationship whatever they want. And it doesn't have to look like every sitcom on television or every fairy tale that we're told and that it can be actually what you want rather than what somebody else wants for you.
Danny 05:00
Yeah 100% I couldn't agree more. I love, I love seeing it happen for other people. It was really fun seeing it happen for me, especially I'm a big fan of myself and my wife. But yeah, like, I can't count how many discussions we had or how many like arguments were spawned from. Well, our relationship doesn't look like so and so's you know, Jeff does this for Janet or, but you don't do it for me. Like, Oh, my God, we do we compare ourselves so much. It's something that humans just love doing. Don't we?
Ellecia 05:31
I think that might be like the root. One of the biggest roots of like human suffering is comparison.
Danny 05:39
Right. Yeah. I didn't start I just someone said famous say that once. Like there's a quote, I'm sure I'm thinking.
Ellecia 05:44
I'm sure there is. But I agree. I liked what you said more. Yeah, I mean, the quote that I use a lot, but I don't know who originally said it as comparison is the thief of joy. Hmm.
Danny 05:56
Yeah, that's, that's the one. And yeah, it is like once you start comparing, like, Oh, I only have this and they have that. Oh, my God, and it's always, like one aspect of life, too.
Ellecia 06:06
It's kind of like being a toddler. And you have like, you're totally happy and content. And then you see another kid is playing with a toy that you are not playing with. And all of a sudden, your world crumbles, because the only thing you want is what that kid has, and you don't have it. We all walk around acting like giant toddlers sometimes.
Danny 06:27
Oh, my God. Yeah.Yes. Oh, we never grew up at all. I have a vague memory of doing to one of my friends one time, like we were we were hanging out. We were kids like kid kids. And he would play with something and he'd be having a great time. And he's just a naturally happy person. Like, just he's happy with everything he does all the time. So he'd be playing a something and and I was like, Oh my god, I really wish I could feel that joy. So I would be like, Hey, can I play with that? And he'd be like, Yeah, sure. And then he'd go find something else to do like a sensible human like a very healthy human. And he'd been enjoying that. And I'm bored with this thing that he gave me. This sucks. And I would like I followed him around before until eventually he got pissed. He's like, would you find your own thing to do, please? Oh, yeah, but, but that's it that that's that mentality that I had right there. I think that a lot of people carry around. I don't think I'm alone in that. No, it's like, oh, Joy is somewhere else. The grass is always greener as they say.
Ellecia 07:21
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So and then there's some silly saying like water, your own grass or something. I don't know how that relates to be in a toddler wanting other kids toys.
Danny 07:29
No, it totally is something enjoy the toy you have take care of the toy you have
Ellecia 07:32
Oh, nurture it.
Danny 07:34
Nurture it, nurture what you have.
Ellecia 07:36
Oh, I love it. Be present, be unintentional and have gratitude.
Danny 07:38
It will be great. Nurture yourself.
Ellecia 07:44
Yeah, there. We've just solved the whole world's problems.
Danny 07:48
Yeah, we don't need to make any more podcasts. We're done, this is it!
Ellecia 07:52
Okay, so you guys opened up and then fell into polyamory?
Danny 07:57
We fell right into it. Well, no, because we took a trip. Because we lived in rural Wisconsin. Polyamory just isn't the thing they're like we...
Ellecia 08:10
That you're aware of.
Danny 08:12
Well, I mean, it I mean it is, but there just aren't that many fish in that sea. It's a very small sea or if it is, it's not a very populated sea it's also very old fashioned.
Ellecia 08:24
If I have listeners if I have listeners in Wisconsin, please send me a message.
Danny 08:30
Oh my God, please do exist. Like I've talked to people who are polyamorous or it's just they didn't live near me. A town of 1000 people. Most of them retired. I don't know why that is why there are so many elderly people in that town.
Ellecia 08:44
Isn't there a lake?
Danny 08:46
Yes.
Ellecia 08:47
Fishing. Retirees like to fish. From what I hear. I'm not retired.
Danny 08:51
Yeah, I haven't.
Ellecia 08:52
I've never enjoyed fishing.
Danny 08:53
You're waiting to retire and be like, Oh, I get it now. But yeah, we we lived in Wisconsin, and my my wife is much more studious than I am and she's much more social in that way. And she made a bunch of friends out here in Washington online. And that's kind of where we learned about it. Like she she got into like a book club and met a polyamorous person, and then opened my eyes to that possibility.
Ellecia 09:19
There's other people that do this thing that we're pretending we're not doing
Danny 09:23
that? Yeah. Really? It was because there was a thing that we kind of shamefully did. We would occasionally bring other people over to our place or over their place or like anywhere like we can fool around with other people and then never talk about it. Like That is something you don't talk about because I don't know how you're gonna get a home loan. If the town knows that you're a hussy, or we're a hussy... hussies.
Ellecia 09:44
Hussi?
Danny 09:45
Yeah, many hussi. So yeah, we had to get out of town. And we've always like both of us just on our own even before we knew each other really liked it to the west coast and we wanted to come out to Washington and that just happened to be where these these polyamorous people were and we made a trek of it. We migrated west.
Ellecia 10:04
On the Oregon Trail.
Danny 10:05
Yeah, more or less. Like I feel like this is just where like, like poly people like, like dream of the West Coast. They wish they could be in Seattle.
Ellecia 10:14
The Pacific Northwest. Yeah. Home of polyamory.
Danny 10:16
Everyone's poly here. We're just really open to it. And I'm glad I made it here is such a such a great change. Everyone's so accepting. Because they're poly too.
Ellecia 10:27
I mean, not everyone, but we're close enough. I mean, enough that we surround ourselves with, right?
Danny 10:33
Um, that's true, too. I just getting it getting a fresh start, I got to only let people into my life that I guess, aligned with me, or my way of thinking in some way, like it wasn't my childhood friends that I grew up with and had to figure my life out with. Yeah, there was just people who knew me as an adult and knew me as that now I think I was like 27 or something when I came here. Oh, it's so it's such a cute age so many years ago, back in my 20s
Ellecia 11:04
Tell me more, you have a quad you went from like you had a wife? Yeah. Now you have like yeah, we came multiple spice.
Danny 11:10
So many spice. Yeah, we just kind of shopped around, you know, it's like really? No, we we just through networking. We knew other poly people and that there was we knew about polyamorous couple that my wife hit it off with before I got out here. And they needed a roommate or roommates. They're trying to like rent part of their house. So we took them up on it. Because was a sweet deal, right? Yeah, yeah. And you know, one thing leads to another once you live with someone long enough, you're just married?
Ellecia 11:44
I mean, you might as well being right.
Danny 11:45
Yeah. No emotion to it at all. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be sarcastic.
Ellecia 11:50
We are now common law married. Yeah. Well, wouldn't it be weird if that happened? If you could be like common law married with like, multiple roommates?
Danny 11:56
Oh, yeah. Why wouldn't you be that?
Ellecia 11:58
But that's a whole other story.
Danny 11:59
I mean, common law is like, like, like legally. Yeah, yeah. I think that like people like roommates. If you live with someone for five years, you know them? All the weird stuff they do. You've seen them clip their toenails.
Ellecia 12:13
And yeah, and do they clean up the clippings or not?
Danny 12:15
Exactly. Yeah. You know these things about that person, you know? Yeah. If that's the intimacy, I don't know what is. But yeah, but that honestly, yeah, we moved in with them first. And then I'd like slowly just kind of we started making these connections with people, we really hit it off, like in a big big way. Like so much so that we decided to do a ceremony about it.
Ellecia 12:36
Oh, yeah.
Danny 12:38
And now now we're, like, basically two married couples that merged into this awesome quad. And we're raising two kids together.
Ellecia 12:46
Oh, I love it.
Danny 12:47
You too.
Ellecia 12:48
Oh, you guys are wonderful. I've actually I've learned so much from knowing you guys.
Danny 12:53
Oh my god stop.
Ellecia 12:54
Like, seriously. I mean, because like, like, my life experience and my experiences with relationships are mine and are limited to the people that I have been involved with. And so meeting you all and seeing how you guys like navigate relationship things and having conversations with you it was was very eye opening to see another healthy poly kewl do things in a way that, you know, that I may not have thought of, or, you know, just wasn't I wasn't like, I was I wasn't aware of, you know?
Danny 13:33
Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that does make sense.
Ellecia 13:35
Like, like, I will say like, Hey, have you guys ever experienced this thing? And then I get these, like, really lovely responses of like, Yeah, but this is how we handle it. I'm like, Oh, my God, that never would have crossed my mind. Yeah, y'all are brilliant.
Danny 13:48
Oh, no, you too. I think I think that's it. That's definitely a two way street. It's a many way street. Section.
Ellecia 13:54
It's a traffic circle.
Danny 13:57
Yeah, I love it. I love. I've taken so much advice from you. And I'm glad that you've gleaned some from me.
Ellecia 14:04
Okay, so the last four years, what's been the biggest challenge?
Danny 14:09
Oh, my goodness, yeah, pick one, pick one challenge. And I imagine you probably hear this from anyone who was monogamous, and then open up. But I think like tackling insecurity is probably this biggest struggle of mankind period. But it definitely rears its head when you've been led to believe that you have to be everything to somebody for their whole life. Or you're a failure. And having that hardwired, like just really, really crammed into your head. And then, you know, realizing that that's not true. And then you have to untangle this whole mess that you've been taught for decades in my case.
Ellecia 14:49
And then you add in comparison, and see that somebody else is doing a saying, for someone you love that you aren't doing for them and Oh my god, no, who am I? And this is like the worst thing ever and I'm a failure. Yeah. At life and relationships. It's not true. But like, that's what happens to a lot of us I think.
Danny 15:09
Yeah, that's that's definitely the feeling it is you open you become completely vulnerable. I think realizing that that was like a powerful thing to do. Was awesome. Like, I knew it. Like I felt that I had my eye on the goal. I think it's why I was willing to put the work in and then muscle through these insecurities.
Ellecia 15:27
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the thing that I always say like, like, pushing through all of the insecurities and the struggles and like, I battled a lot of jealousy. And because I mean, I still do and possessiveness, but it's always been like, I can see where I want to be. I can see what it is that I want. And so it's worth putting in the effort because I don't want to stay here where I am comfortable being uncomfortable and jealous and like Yeah, yeah, just sitting in my insecurities because I've had them for so long that like they feel more comfortable than not knowing what's gonna happen on the other side. But having an idea of like, who I want to be and where how I want my relationships to look like makes it like, worth I love that you said that. Yeah, that's that's how I felt as well.
Danny 16:08
Having a goal in mind. Oh, my God. Yes. Isn't comfort the worst? But I mean, isn't it?
Ellecia 16:15
It's also so good. Like, I love being comfortable. And I don't want to stay I don't want stagnancy.
Danny 16:21
Maybe that's it, maybe it maybe there's a few different like there's a there's a different word I should use. But yeah, that is be right. Being comfortable in your in your insecurities, I think is such a, like a good way to look at that. Yeah. When people like say like, Oh, I'm jealous, and I could never ever change that. Like, I'm sure you could. But
Ellecia 16:36
that's just my personality.
Danny 16:37
Yeah. Why do you think you need to cultivate that? Yeah, because it's already cultivated the works done. I've spent my whole life becoming jealous. Why the hell would I throw it away? Now? I put so much work into this monster.
Ellecia 16:50
I just want to make him bigger and greener. Yeah, exactly.
Danny 16:55
Yeah, like having like a goal in mind, like, oh my god. So I'm just thinking, like, what would my goal be? In a perfect world, one of my partners to get carried back to me from the best date of their life on horseback, a beautiful shirtless man with long flowing hair. And he drops her off at my doorstep, and then like rides off into the sunset, and I'm completely unfazed. That's what I want to be. That's the goal. I want. Knowing that I'm completely outclassed by somebody in every single way and be like, that's fine.
Ellecia 17:21
But I just totally saw that entire, like, I'd like the imagery was perfect. I saw it. It's like, that's wonderful.
Danny 17:30
The long haired man was Steve Buscemi.
Ellecia 17:33
No,
Danny 17:34
no. Although, I mean, I do this Steve Buscemi is like a very caring lover. Oh my god, right.
Ellecia 17:38
I saw Thor on horseback bringing
Danny 17:43
Do you mean like, Chris Hemsworth. Do you mean like, like an actual?
Ellecia 17:46
I mean, Thor, I mean, Chris Hemsworth is a good standard. But like, I mean, like, we're fantasizing here.
Danny 17:53
No. We are totally I go crazy.
Ellecia 17:57
Okay, so your biggest challenge, biggest battling insecurity.
Danny 18:02
I didn't want to say it's just jealousy really is like those it's insecurity is I had to, for the first time, I really had to look at that. Because again, I was comfortable in my insecurity. had a look at this, this wonderful insecurity, I'd built my whole life and cultivated and taken care of and even had communities like my community even assured me that it was a good idea to have those insecurities. It honestly like in a big way, not in so many words, but like, through actions through like all these, like small details, you add it up. And and I had to, like, look at that. And just be like, I don't want I don't want that anymore. Like that isn't something that I want to have, at all, if I can help it. Yeah, and then actually putting in the work to just, which I don't, I'm not sure exactly how you could, which is why if you do have insecurities like that, you should go to Elleciapaine.com I did it the hard way I would have rather gotten help from somebody. I got there, it was painful. And it took a while but I got there. Cuz I'm not sure of any other way to really work on insecurities other than just jumping in. You know, when you're your partner of however many years is like I'm going to go off on this date with this person who I don't know, has better hair than you is taller than you doesn't stutter or like whatever your thing like that they got all these things, I'm gonna go do this thing, this thing with them. And of course they're not they're not actually saying that to you. No one's comparing you to that person. least they shouldn't be not like that.
Ellecia 19:40
Definitely not to your face.
Danny 19:42
Like noticing it, that's fine, but like telling you it's like, I'm going to go on a date with someone who's superior and I'm not kink shaming. I mean, look, if that is what you're gonna do, that's fine. But like, I don't know, in my at least in my case, like my wife wasn't looking at me saying this person is significantly better than you that she just wanted to go off and have a date with somebody. That's how she saw it and someone new and interesting. Why not do that getting to know people is amazing. And I had to just let that happen. Instead of doing the things like no, don't like, I just want to choke on it a little bit like, stop, just let it happen and then work with it. Yeah, I'd really ask myself like that, like, does this change anything? And the answer is, it's always No. It's just never ever changed anything at all. And maybe I just have good partners again.
Ellecia 20:29
I mean, I think that that is part of the battle is picking people that are, you know, kind and compassionate. And
Danny 20:35
I'm sure if I picked a monster of a person, I probably would feel completely differently. But even then, I think I would just have to address my insecurities in a different way. And I'd have to understand that like, I'm worth more than being treated the way that this awful person is treating me. Luckily, I didn't have to.
Ellecia 20:53
Because you have great partners.
Danny 20:54
I really do. I have the best!
Ellecia 20:58
Um, jealousy is like, this emotion. That is often, most of the time, most of the time you can drill down and find that this emotion was triggered by some sort of insecurity.
Danny 21:14
Yeah, I think so.
Ellecia 21:15
Right? Like, like, either...
Danny 21:17
I might even say all the time. I can't think of a time jealousy would come up and oh, oh, no, you know, what, maybe it is most of the time? I feel like it's probably some extreme circumstances where jealousy makes sense.
Ellecia 21:27
Or, or doesn't. Yeah, I mean, that might be or also doesn't make sense. Because it's just like, ridiculous response. Because we're socialized in a weird way. But I mean, like, usually, it's, you know, I, I'm afraid of being left. Because I'm not as good as that person. Or I'm not x, y, z, right. So people will often go, Well, I have a fear of abandonment, they'll dig that deep. But then you need to go to the next step. Why are you scared? You're going to be abandoned? Right?
Danny 21:58
Yeah, keep asking.
Ellecia 21:59
Exactly, you have to dig deeper. Because when you find the thing that comes back to yourself, to how you feel about yourself, that's where the gold is right? When you can start believing that you are worth sticking around for and you can believe that you're worth, that you're lovable, and that you're valuable and that the person person or people that you are with you are there because they see these things in you. When you can actually believe those that's that's where the like, I don't know where the magic happens. And you can start moving past the jealousy.
Danny 22:34
If where were you my entire life. Yes!
Ellecia 22:38
I had to learn that the hard way too. I didn't have an Ellecia either.
Danny 22:41
Oh, well, I'm glad that we have one now. Yeah, yeah, I think that working, working through insecurities is a lot of realizing that you are worthwhile. And if someone thinks that you aren't, and I don't know, who teaches us these things, but realizing that if someone thinks that you're not worthwhile, then you just don't need that person in your life. Even if it's someone you admire greatly. If they don't think you're worth it. Fuck 'em.
Ellecia 23:09
Or don't.
Danny 23:10
Or don't! They can I don't know, just hit the road and get out of here. We don't you don't need that around. You don't need to impress anybody? Yeah, not really. Do you want to do it for fun? I mean, sure, make a hobby of it. But don't make it your life. Make a hobby of it? Yeah. Like I can jump really high. Go do sports, like track and field stuff. Getting the Olympics, I'm out. You can do it. That's right. Anyone who's listening right now, you can do it. I have faith in you. But do it for fun. Don't do it? Because you need to. That's awful.
Ellecia 23:39
Okay, so I'm curious if there was a like, I don't know, a coming out period. Or, like, like, did you? Did you guys hide your relationship structure? Or did you shout it from the rooftops? Or was there like a transitional period?
Danny 24:01
No, there was definitely a transitional period, especially when we like got into our quad like when I was just just my wife and I my my legal wife. When it was just her and I like it's pretty easy. Just don't need to talk about like, I don't really talk about my personal life that much. Unless I'm on a podcast talking to a bunch of people.
Ellecia 24:21
Unless I'm telling the whole world
Danny 24:22
Yeah, I only tell either I tell the whole world or nobody. But it just I don't know. Like I just don't feel the need to bring it up most the time. But I don't lie about it. Either. Or at least I didn't like now I'm just want to talk about it all the time. But like when I first started, I just didn't bring it up. It's pretty easy. We're just two people who are kinda, you know, feeling things out. Then we got into a quad and we had a ceremony about it. And we have multiple spouses and we decided that we don't want you know, that you don't want to have like that moment of like, Oh, that's just a person. I know. And I'm not saying that that didn't necessarily happen. Like sometimes like, like, like I said there was a transitional period because once we all got together, we all kind of got forced into the open. Because now it's like, Wow, those four people are all very close and always together, yeah always together. And those kids seem to like all four of them. Who are their parents even what is going on? So many questions happen. But yeah, no, there was there was definitely a transition period. I had to thank my my wife, my first one my legal wife, there we go. My first, I have many wives, well I have two. But that's more than one.
Ellecia 25:24
That's many, when it comes to wives.
Danny 25:28
She like, like, part of like, I Oh, my God, her journey, and you should get her on here. Okay. Her journey was awesome. Because when she realized that she did not want to be insecure anymore. Like she's a very passionate person. And she's like, I'm telling everyone. All the way all the time. Everyone's gonna know about this thing. Yeah, like she did not want it. She does not want to live in secrecy whatsoever. Shame is not anything she wants in her life. That's what I was thinking of shame. She does not want shame. Yeah. And I mean, who does? It's very it's inspiring to me, but like she just had she had the fire. I think that really pushed us all to go public.
Ellecia 26:06
Yeah, yeah. Ah, that's admirable. I like that. Yeah, read truly. Yeah. Yeah, I know that I think there was a while I've always been pretty open. Um, but I think there was definitely a while where, in particular, with my girlfriend and I neither of us had been in a same sex relationship previously. And so there was definitely some, like, really awkward times where we were like, I mean, we both lived most of our lives heterosexual appearing. And so there was a lot of like, discomfort, you know, in like, just being open in the world. as partners and lovers and whatnot. We both definitely felt a lot of fear, shame, judgment. I don't know a lot of internal things.
Danny 26:57
Society taught you weird stuff.
Ellecia 26:59
Dude, right? Okay. I want to ask you, what's the most inappropriate or awkward? Or, like embarrassing, or? I don't know, weird thing somebody asked you about your relationships,
Danny 27:15
you think I would have a canned answer for this. And I just I just never
Ellecia 27:20
the list goes on and on.
Danny 27:21
I just never put like any any mental energy towards that. And I should, especially since I knew I was gonna be on this podcast. And I also know that that's something you ask... Ummm, oh my god inappropriate. I got, nothing specific comes to mind because again, I've cultivated such an amazing friend group.
Ellecia 27:43
Okay, so I have, I have something in mind that I mean, isn't isn't the answer to that. But it's definitely a story that you've told me is about how you have run into like people you work with? Yeah, with different dates, and just let them assume that whoever you're with is your wife, which I think is brilliant. And lovely. And like the best inside joke in the world.
Danny 28:11
Yeah, I do. I do that. Yes, I would be I was on like a date. When the mcmenamins opened up, and I bumped into a guy worked. There you he said, Hey, how's it going? He just treated my date. Like she was my wife. And she was completely aware of what was going on and thought it was hilarious. And then somebody else from that same place would see my wife come drop something off for me at work that I forgot or something. It would be like, my legal wife would drive up like, Oh, hey, here's the thing. I'm like, hey, thanks. Kiss her goodbye. They drive off and maybe somebody else would catch me with my other wife. Roughly the same thing yeah, that is that's been it's been a source of great joy for me haven't been found out no one's I don't think anyone's ever come like approached me.
Ellecia 28:52
Like Wait, oh, seems like a different person.
Danny 28:56
Yeah, maybe they must just assume I'm cheating. Um, but as far as like inappropriate questions so I guess No, I mean, I guess you get you get like the the obvious conversation like the ones that you would expect where most guys that because, I've worked a lot of factories, that most guys that you that you talk to about these kinds of things. If they find out that you've had relation sexual relations outside of your marriage, and your wife is okay with it. It's Oh my god, you're amazing. That's Oh, wow, how'd you pull that off? Can you tell me your secret? Or the cringiest question here it is... It uncovered itself... What can I tell my wife to convince her to let me do that? And it's like, I don't know. Like maybe I think you need to start. And I and this was my answer. I think you need to start treating your your wife. Like she's a person and not some obstacle between you and having sex with other people. Like,
Ellecia 29:55
oh, like, bro period. The mic drop right there like that's the answer.
Danny 30:03
Like you don't need, like you need to really assess your relationship and go from there. And if you want to have sex with other people and being monogamous is in the way, then maybe your relationship isn't for you if it's something that's really important to you. And then on the on the other hand, like people who think you're amazing, then find out that like, Oh my god, you're letting your wife have sex with other people. At least it's a woman, right? And then when you say, I don't care, they give me any any. It's whatever she prefers. You're like, Oh, that's all I could never how do you how do you sleep in the same bed? As someone who's had sex with somebody else?
Ellecia 30:37
You've just dashed my porno fantasy!
Danny 30:39
Yeah, it's not cool. She's, she's enjoying herself as well. Ah, it's that shame thing? Again, it's it's all those insecurities. It's because it's a comparison. It is comparison. And it's not just men, either, because I've definitely heard women say the same thing. I would love to have sex with somebody else. But what if my husband has sex with someone? And then they don't like me anymore.
Ellecia 31:04
I think that people understand the desire for multiple relationships, or multiple sex partners like to have experiences outside of monogamy are to have experiences, you know, like, I don't think anybody likes the idea of like, I'm only gonna have sex with this one person until I die. Unless they're in like, the first year of their relationship, then that's like all you can imagine.
Danny 31:29
Especially that's what's been fed to you. But that's how it has to be.
Ellecia 31:33
But eventually, I think everybody has I mean, you know, everybody has fantasies and desires that maybe they you know, don't act on. But like, they definitely think about it. And then when you flip that, and they're like, but if my partner had those, like, first of all to ignore, or pretend that their partner doesn't think the same way is ridiculous. But like, the idea that like, oh, if my partner felt that way, then that would mean there's something wrong with me?
Danny 32:01
Yes. I'm not good enough.
Ellecia 32:04
Yeah. Now, all of the sudden, that means they must not love me. I must not be providing everything that they want. I must not be sexy enough. I must not be giving them something for them to think that way. Even though you were thinking that same way. Yes. so common.
Danny 32:24
And I think that's probably lack of trust to like, I can feel that way. But I know that I can handle these feelings. Maybe. I don't want them doing it, though. Because what if they go off the rails with a thought and before you know it, I'm alone.
Ellecia 32:36
I often wonder if that is trust in their partner or if that's trust in themselves that like that they've chosen a partner who will stick around that they've that they can handle whatever comes up. You know, like, again, digging deeper. Yeah, you got to trust yourself. Yeah.
Danny 32:54
Yeah. Yeah. Back to tackling insecurity. Again. There's always dig deeper until you're out of questions until you come to like some some answer that you just you can't question. It's like, Oh, that makes perfect sense.
Ellecia 33:04
I believe this with one hundred percent. No doubt.
Danny 33:07
Yeah. Yeah. And not just not. I feel like people say that sometimes like, Oh, yes. Without a doubt, this is exactly what I believe. But I don't mean that. I don't mean in front of people. I mean, like alone. Yeah, you're falling asleep. You're thinking to yourself, those private moments, you come to an answer, where you're just like, this makes perfect sense. There is no crack in this at all. It's perfect. That's I'm talking about. That's good. I know. It sounds so vague too. But it's like something out. You got to find yourself,
Ellecia 33:31
I think yeah, I think I mean, it sounds vague, but I think everyone's had that experience.
Danny 33:36
Definitely. Your super private thoughts.
Ellecia 33:39
I have had that experience.
Danny 33:41
Yeah. Everyone in this room has.
Ellecia 33:44
Okay, um, do you think that polyamory is a choice? Or an identity? Like like something you're born with?
Danny 34:00
Hmm, because Okay, so I'm not everybody. I'm just not I'm only one person out of 9 billion people. I'm just me. So I don't think I can even say like, Oh, this is just how people are it's definitely how I am and judging by how a lot of monogamous people talk when they're like oh, look at her Oh, look at him or Oh, like you like any other like everyone's always looking
Ellecia 34:21
at the green grass.
Danny 34:22
Yeah, and that tells me that monogamy is definitely a choice for them. Yeah, that is something they're making themselves do because like if I feel like if someone was naturally monogamous they would find one person and then they would only ever think about them even when you're masturbating. Don't give me any images of anybody else don't make me I don't want to think of think of anyone except for this one person. Like that's true monogamy right? Like that is that is what monogamy is I think if you're doing anything else, you're choosing it. I'll say this the way I see it as I think that every like, like, I don't know what I want to say romantic or like sexual. thing that we have is a fetish. And I think that, like monogamy is I just see it as a fetish. It's like I'm way into, even though I want to do with other people. I'm way into doing it with just one. That's the thing I'm into. That's how I see it.
Ellecia 35:14
Oh my god, that's so good. I actually I love that.
Danny 35:19
And I feel is it just for all monogamous people listening? If you are, I feel the same way about, you know, non monogamy. It's it's a fetish. It's something I'm into. I really like being with multiple people. It's something I just like.
Ellecia 35:30
Oh, ah, that's really good. I like that. Um, it is I mean, I asked this question, because there is no definitive answer, right? Every single person has a different opinion on it. And we all kind of come from you know, we have different life experiences. And we have have had exposure to different, you know, family cultures and different media and different relationship expectations. And so I always find it fascinating how people view things and I think you've got a really solid grip on that.
Danny 36:11
You say that to everybody.
Ellecia 36:12
You would know.
Danny 36:16
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Ellecia 36:17
You're welcome. I have one for you. Yeah, because I my my course. Getting it on in a group intentional threesomes, foursomes and moresomes is coming out soon. Cool. Visit my website, if you want to hear more about that.
Danny 36:32
Elleciapaine.com
Ellecia 36:34
I'm curious if, um, if group sex is all it's cracked up to be in your opinion?
Danny 36:44
Yes.
Ellecia 36:46
Why do you say that?
Danny 36:47
Absolutely. Because it's fun. It's like, it's like, I don't know. Sex is fun. I think I think I think I can speak for almost everybody, like most people, I think enjoy sex. And now I don't know add other people and more of it, but at the same time, it's, it's awesome. Yeah. I'm gonna say this, if you've never done it, it's probably not as amazing as you think it is.
Ellecia 37:15
Oh, my God, that's great.
Danny 37:17
I feel like I feel like the movies that you may be watching that, you know, if you've seen movies that portray that kind of thing. I think that they they probably make it seem way way cooler than it is. But it's definitely worth doing. Not that cool. Definitely worth doing.
Ellecia 37:33
Ah, you're amazing. You're wonderful. And I love talking to you. And I could literally talk to you all day long.
Danny 37:41
Thank you for having me on here.
Ellecia 37:43
Oh, thank you. Thank you for editing the show.
Danny 37:46
Oh, my pleasure. I love it. I love doing it for you.
Ellecia 37:50
Danny, the producer, my guest Oh, and my boyfriend.
Danny 37:55
Now but know, there we go... and scene!