The Wilderness : Part 1 - The Dream Meets Reality

The first part of The Wilderness.

After years of planning, Rob, Faye and Hewy finally leave Eastbourne and begin their journey around the UK. It doesn't take long for reality to replace certainty as the dream collides with the unpredictable nature of life at sea.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Good morning, Steve.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Good morning, Rob.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

Oh, hang on a second. I've just got to put my earphones on, don't I?

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Yeah, no worries.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

How are you?

SPEAKER_01 0:51

I'm all the better for some nice cold water. Uh you know what it's like. There's us folk from the north, right? We um Viking DNA and all of that. We're not built for 34 degrees.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Oh, is that is that how um is that the temperature, is it?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Not right now, but it was yesterday. And it's gonna be the same again today, apparently. Um it's nice to have some sun, but whoa, it's been uh challenging during the night, I have to say.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

I can imagine. Well that's uh that's even hotter than uh Malta.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Yeah, what's happening there?

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Uh it's 25 degrees at the moment, Steve. Um which is which is which is just I mean, it's just perfect, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Yeah, we got a n we got a nice breeze coming off the sea on the port.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Um marinas tend to be quite windless, to be honest with you. Um but we've got fans and stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? All good now?

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Oh, we get it. We um we're we're about to start talking about your adventures on the sea rather than on land, right? So it's nice. Uh I'm wondering how how much short language you know in all these different places you've been, all the lingo and phrases you start.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Well, I I do try to make an effort because um even though you can't obviously speak fluent um to the locals, they really appreciate you just making an effort. And there was a phrase going going through Sardinia and um uh Sicily, no non parlo molto italiano, ma sta sto imparando. Which means I can't I can't speak much Italian, but I am learning. And I'll tell you something, Steve, that will get you everything you need in Sardinian Sicily, that that one phrase.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

You're sort of signalling your incompetence right right up front, but a willingness to have a go.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Exactly that, exactly that, and that's how you get your cheeks pinched by the the nonnas, the grandmas, and uh they they they like a good pinch of the cheeks and uh a look in your eyes, and they called me Roberto Robusto, you know, like the robust Robert, and they would they would stuff slices of salami and ham and and cheese in my mouth, whether I wanted it or not, you know, because I'm in I'm standing in a delicatessen and I'm and I'm trying to find out you know what's good and oh that that's like a red rag to a bolt of these ladies. And the thing is as well, they've been they've clearly been rolling pasta with their hands for for a long, long time. So when you get a pinch in your cheeks, these little women, they've got like croc crocodile uh crocodile grips.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Yeah, it's like um it's like when you go abroad and you you know I've I've been in Asia a couple of times and uh you know and said, Oh, the sound of that massage sounds good, you know. Remember I was in we were in Bali, I think, and I ordered this massage, and this very slight small young man turned up, and I just thought, oh craiki. And I'm not one for massages really, but the power in his hands and arms were just incredible for his physical size. It was unreal. So um uh yeah, you're sounding like uh you're ingratiating yourself, you're getting stuck in, you're not sitting on the edge.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

Um well we're sitting on the edge of a departure, uh so we are leaving for this uh this season soon. So there's a lot of work. I I guess I'm like a swat like a duck or a swan at the moment. I'm sitting on top of the water and I look alright, but beneath the water, my my little um webbed feet are are uh definitely uh on the lot going there's a lot going on there.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Um well that well that leads us nicely, I think, into where we where we're gonna go today. Um we've been through this uh on land journey of the plan designed not to happen over a couple of episodes, and then this sort of internal work of the crossing and you challenging your own identity and uh starting to think about dismantling that, and then the physical finding of reach out boat, and then sailing in and around Eastbourne to test the waters and seeing just how difficult it was, but realizing there's no turning back now. Um and this episode, this these next few podcasts are really about um you called it the we called it the wilderness, the getting there. Now I'm gonna now we're really gonna sail, we're gonna then circumnavigate the uh waters of the UK. Um uh and so there's something here um about really living without certainty, right? Um you said what I was most proud of was that we decided to do it at all. And then here we are, the morning of ready to sail from Eastbourne. Um so our our journey together goes on to the seas now uh for a while. Um, so I'm really looking forward to that. Um maybe, you know, I mean, we could you could probably write a book about the circumnavigation of uh the UK, and you and Faye may well write a book, right? Or do a documentary or a podcast or whatever. Um we're gonna get the essence of that journey of navigating the UK shores, um, both the physical experiences of certain places, but also what was really going on for you and for Faye and for for Huey as you navigated your way. Um having in mind an unplanned, lighter, more spirited life. Now, some of these stories you might tell might not feel very light. So um just cast your mind back then. Let's begin. Cast your mind back now to when we last spoke, you were gearing up for you had a slot to go, you'd been checking the weather, and out of Eastbourne you went. So um you've told me a few stories of the navigation of the UK, but we've we've all um we're allowing this just to bubble a little bit. Um tell tell us about what was going on and and the first experiences of getting offshore and and in and around Eastbourne. What do you rec what do you recall about that day and about the days that followed?

SPEAKER_02 7:21

If I could just put a cut in there, uh Steve. Did I tell a story about the engine dying in the last episode or is this we should be able to do that? No, you haven't done that yet. Okay, all right, okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

So So Rob, just if you can uh if you can remember that day when finally you were sailing, you were getting out of the harbour at Eastbourne um for your first morning, um, ready to circumnavigate the UK. Take us offshore.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Yeah, so like you say, Steve, we've been looking forward, we've been looking at the weather, um, we've been looking at the tides as well, which are uh something you have to look at very closely when you're circumnavigating some of the most tidal waters in the world around the UK. Um but and and and I guess wh whilst we were waiting for that good weather to come, we were quite happy because we could just stay safely in the berth in the marina, and uh, you know, all this chaos could could happen uh around us, and we knew we were all right. Um so so you know it was a case of oh well, you know, it's looking a bit windy tomorrow, we'll just we'll wait. But then there was a patch in the forecast where it was, you know, we couldn't look each other in the eye and and and put it off any longer. Do you know what I mean? We had to go, we had to go. Um, and and and coming out of um east eastbourne marina, it's very tidal. You've got to go through a lock. Um, you know, uh right. Um so you so you go into the lock and you're packed into this lock with sardines because there's only certain times of the tide you can get out because the water the tidal range is so great that it actually dries out a lot, and then you know, our size boat can't actually physically get out, there's not enough water there. Oh wow, and of course, that means the same for all of the other boats in the marina as well. So everyone's I'm I'm coming up to this lock, and honestly, it looks full, and I'm saying to Faye, well, we might have to wait for the next one, but then there's all these boats behind me, all right, move, get in there, like you gotta get in. And I'm like, what the hell? So we're like rafted, it's called rafting when all these boats go alongside, and I'm just thinking, oh my god, I'm approaching all these boats, and I've I'm gonna have to use a couple of these boats to stop. Um, and we've got all the fenders on both sides, and we're packed, we're literally packed in. And I'm thinking to Faye, what the what the what's going on here? It's like wacky races at this point. Well um, but you know, they they operate the lock, the water comes up, um, and and then everyone, everyone goes out like little ducks in a row. Um, and and we were coming out of there, and it's um it can for for someone who'd not really sailed a lot around that area, it it can be quite it looks like quite a daunting um exit to this harbour. It's very narrow and on on uh and it's marked by what we call boys, you know, red boys and and green boys. And if you stay in between these boys, you're alright, you know, at this time. But if you go outside of these boys, you're grounded, uh, which means that your butt the bottom of your boat is stuck in probably mud and and and a sand mix. In other words, stay in the channel. Um and we were coming out and everything was fine. We're starting out all of our lines and and and and that. Um, and then all of a sudden, the engine, which is a is is loud, um, it's a diesel engine, it it it it starts just well, it I I called it dying. You know, it sounded like it was kind of you know, like when the guy in the in the film gets shot and he's kind of coming down and he's slumping and he's like, I've just got like that, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um what I I I now know that to be is a is a symptom of some kind of issue with the fuel system. So the fuel's not getting to the engine and it's burning what it's got left in it, but it's kind of saying, I can't get any more. But this I describe this as maybe it's happening over the course of 10 minutes, Steve. This is happening in the course of like two seconds, three seconds. Oh wow. The consequence of which is yes, it was kind of getting less loud, but then there was no noise at all, and the engine had had had died.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

In the channel.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

In the channel, in this very narrow channel, and the weather, the wind, it was very windy at the time as well, and we started drifting. Uh so we've got no propulsion at this point. We've got I mean, the other thing that you can do on a sailboat when your engine dies is you get a sail up, right? I've got no time to get to get a sail up, and we're and we're and we're drifting out of this channel. And it sounded like, or it felt like this was a lifetime, Steve. Uh because there I am thinking, well, what's the issue? What what could what what's the what's the issue? What you know, what's the prognosis here? What do I need to do? And and all the while the boat's kind of drifting out of this channel, and I'm conscious of all these other boats around me as well. Um, and I was white as a sheet, I didn't know what to do. Um, and I did the first thing that I thought was the right thing to do, and I restarted the engine and it came back on. And I turned the helm to port, got more back in back into the channel. And I was still kind of listening, expecting this thing to happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And honestly, that but then we were coming out of the harbour, and then you into the English Channel, the wind was like 23 knots. Um, so the the the boat is immediately on its side, um, you know, get getting getting pulled by the tide, and we've then got to get the sails up and you know, forget about this engine thing, but maybe come back to that at a later point, understand what the issue was. But I think the the key thing for me there, Steve, was that uh you know, we talked about the identity, and my identity really in terms of facing issues was always quite uh quite a I guess a structured approach, which is you know, diagnose what the issue is, you know, is there an issue? Well, how significant is that issue? Okay, then what other kind of you know, how are we gonna deal with that? Are we gonna mitigate it? Are we gonna accept it? Are we gonna change something? We're gonna need a plan, and you know, then okay, who's gonna do what? And how long's this gonna take? And and and that approach in that particular moment was completely just a waste of time, and and it and it just it it it kind of really struck me that and pardon my French, Steve, but sometimes you just need to restart the fucking engine, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and there's no time for there's no time for all of this kind of inner inner searching and you know, assembling, you know, all the different thoughts. So you've just got to do something, and you and I to be honest with you, Steve, not really used to that, you know, at that at that point, you know, I'd not really been in a situation. I mean, that situation, just just so you can understand the gravity of it, this was the first sale of our 2,000 mile uh not to go mile trip around the UK. Yeah, and we were, I think, 20 seconds away from ending it in complete disaster. The port would have ended up on great big rocks. There was an a nasty kind of swell coming in as well. It would have been significantly damaged. That would have been the end of that crew. I mean, the boat would have been salvaged and fixed, I've got no doubt about that. But it would have been the end of our drink, you know, on the within the first five minutes of getting out of the first lock. Oh, you know, uh, it was that's that's why I kind of just froze and was just like, oh my. This was I could see the newspaper heading, Steve, you know. It's like first trip out ends in disaster, you know, like oh, and then I can imagine all the comments on social media, you know, like, oh, what a burk, you know, oh, these newbies with their boats, and they need to get lessons and all this, and and all this was kind of going rushing through my mind. But thankfully, we you know, we we the engine restarted, thankfully, and it got us out of that situation, and uh yeah, we got out into the channel. And uh, we were going to Brighton, um, just a few miles west of Eastbourne, place I'd never been before. Um, the the sea condition and the wind condition were not as forecast. Um, little asterisk there, it's never as it's forecast.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

I I seem to uh to kind of sorry, the weather is never as forecast.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Not really, no. It's always worse. It seems to always be worse with us anyway. Maybe another sailor would say, no, we actually we find it to be quite accurate, but we we didn't. And I guess that was a bit of a kick in the teeth for both Faye and I because we we went out on that first sail expecting flat seas, expecting a lovely wind from a nice direction, and this should have just been a lovely little sojourn down to to Brighton, and it wasn't. We couldn't really get we couldn't get the sails up properly, you know. We still weren't really we didn't really know the boat inside out, you know. We were still struggling to do the most basic things, and it was really windy, which means I at say it's really loud, and I'm having to shout to kind of you know communicate with Faye, which is never a good situation to be in. And I think, you know, uh I did feel at that point an overriding sense that uh it will get easier, but bloody hell, this is hard. Um you know, dealing with the engine, dealing with those those those first sailing conditions over to Brighton.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

Um you just have no time, right? You said to me you you have no time to think, you have to just do, you have to respond. There's no inqu no time for inquisition. You have to you're you're using your intuition, your gut a lot. You're well, what should let's just try something. You get out of a loop of worrying if it'll fail, you just have to respond to the test and learn live, right while all that's happening.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

Exactly. And and I guess it's an important point to state that we're uh you know, like I mentioned, we're new to the board at this point, yeah. And and the the things that were difficult are now not difficult, you know, because now we know things, we know how things work, and we've become a lot more experienced. But it was an immediate struggle, Steve. This first, you know, this first you know, this circumnavigation, it was it was very, very difficult. And and it and it and it strained. She was getting stressed, I was getting stressed. The dog kind of slept through everything, you know, probably thinking, What the hell are these two on about? You know, I'm trying to sneak, guys. Um, but it was hard. And and then once we got into East, uh, sorry into Brighton harbour, you know, we'd never been in, um, which I guess we were gonna find everywhere we went because we'd never really been to any of the harbours around the UK. But we get there and you've then got to mow the boat up. And there's a million different ways to moor a boat up, and it's always different, it seems, you know. And you set up thinking about what you think it's gonna be, and then you get there and it's something completely different, which means you've got to instantly change everything around. And also, what what what will happen when you go into a harbour is that you they tend to be quite protected from the wind. So you'll go in there, the wind kind of drops, but then as soon as you're approaching a berth, you'll get like a little mini gale coming through for five or ten minutes, and it makes makes docking the boat really challenging. And even docking the boat in Brighton was a real challenge, and um, you know, we had to get the if if someone is on on shore, like on in the marina, they'll generally come over, they'll help you with the lines and stuff like that. And they did in they did in in Brighton. But I remember getting tied up and the boat was safe, and there we were, me and Faye are looking half a draggled, you know, and the dogs like I need to go for a wee now, though, so come on, guys, you know, there's no time to sit down and have a cup of tea. And we were thinking, holy, holy moly, that was that was tough, you know. Yeah, um, only 19 maybe 60 miles to go.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

I mean, talk about uh confronting, right? Um you, I guess you were, as you said, you were looking for this um beautiful flat sail that would mark your bit the beginning of your adventure. Um I guess it's like I guess it's like going hiking in the winter and hoping for um you know a nice crisp uh park to walk through and then some forest and a gentle crisp walk up a mountain um in in instead of what you actually got was blizzarding weather, metaphorically, blizzarding weather and straight onto the coal face of a big, big mountain. Like we're not messing about here. This is what it's gonna be like. At times, this is what it's gonna be like.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

Yeah. And I and I and I I I for a I mean it stayed difficult, right? It didn't get easy. Um just because of the sheer variety of going around the UK. I mean, you look at the UK as a as a map, right? And it look and you and you look at the length length of the coastline, and you look at all those little nooks and crannies, and and you look at tidal um you know patterns and stuff, it's just an incredibly varied stretch of water around the UK. So even as we built up in competence, the environment was still difficult.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

Unpredictable, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Yeah, yeah. And and and when you when you look at the available information, so that sailors have got a saying, don't trust scanty information. You know, so if you get some information and it's it's just you can't really understand where it's come from or it's come from an unreliable source, don't rely upon it. You know, get the information you need. And and what that I kind of think means is when you're going on a passage, you don't just leave a harbour and then you go to another one. You look at it on the chart, you look for what could be difficult stretches, you look at what the what the tide's gonna be doing in terms of height and and the currents as well, the directions of those, and you look at what the winds, the wind's gonna do. Um, you work out when you can get in and out and stuff. So you but but it kind of made me feel as though, okay, well, I've got this passage plan, I've got it covered. This is what's going to happen, I'm ready for it. But invariably it didn't. And and and you the the you I mean the tides and and the currents, they were all very predictable. They they happen, um, you know, as as the as as as as the the sun and the and the moon and and and the earth all travel through space, right? Um but then the wind in particular doesn't, it does whatever it wants. And I remember I remember Steve getting uh quite upset with with these wind forecasts. I'm thinking, who the hell does these weather forecasts? How are they still in jobs? I mean, it's always wrong, you know. And then and then, you know, going out of a harbour, going out, and I've got this plan, and it's completely different again. And I'm thinking, what the what am I doing wrong? You know, and it it always it was ne it was I I can remember it it never felt as though those kind of changes to the plan were favorable, they were always adverse. But but but in hindsight, getting upset about something that you read, you're just I mean getting upset about wind direction and wind strength.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

Yeah, there's something about wanting to be in control there, isn't there? You know, wanting it to be a hundred percent wanting it to be predictable, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Yeah, and it's just not like that. Mother Nature is just not like that at all. Um, and and I think what you get, it's quite an intimate way to travel um by boat along a coast. Um, and uh you know, you you're traveling all along at five knots, which is about kind of just under six miles an hour, Steve, right? Right. So you get a lot of time to think and you and you see everything, and it it's quite an intimate way, um, you know, yeah to get from from from point A to B. Um but what what you also appreciate is that yeah, you can point your boat, yeah, you can adjust your sails, but you're very much in the lap of of Mother Nature as as you do that.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

And you get a long you get a long time to reflect on that, and you slowly start to accept, or I started to slowly accept, yeah, I I'm not I'm not in control here. I know where I'm going or where I would like to go, and and I know what that would, I know what I want that to look like based upon the information that I've got. But the the the the illusion that this could change at any moment, and I've just got to deal with it. And I wasn't used to that, Steve.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Indeed, yeah. In interestingly, um uh since we last recorded the last episode, um, episodes, I've been uh a couple of weeks ago, I was on, as you know, I was on spiritual retreat with my Zen master Claire Genkai Brees and 40 others. And she, when I first started working with Claire, we really centered on one. I mean, there were a couple of things we were centering on. Stillness and emptiness were sort of a territory, how to have a still mind and have an empty mind. Um, but the root of all of it was the idea of impermanence, the fact that nothing stays the same, that that actually the way that our whole existence and our own lives, we we think things stay as they are, but that they're constantly moving all of the time. Things are constantly changing and evolving, rising and falling all of the time. Um, so that it made me you made me think of that when you're describing. I started to accept that I had a an idea of where I would like to go, but this is an impermanent place, and I don't we don't actually know what's gonna happen until that moment we are there on that stretch of water on that coastline, then we'll know whether the plan is just a plan or whether the plan is um gonna work or not. Um and Clay used to talk about that. She would say, What if, Stephen, you could wander uh through life with much more, you could wander but while paying attention much more. Um with plans just being the idea that they're just a theory of how things might play out. You know, they're just a theory. Plans are okay, maybe they're needed, but they're just a theory. Now they might play out in certain circumstances, they might not. Um, but don't bank on them playing out, because otherwise you're gonna get a bit of a shock.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Um that's where that's where I was, Steve. That's where I was, you know, and and and and I was continually getting shocked by this. Uh and I guess a seasoned sailor would would say, well, what the hell? Of course, of course. But you've got to, you know, I I guess we've outlined it quite clearly. I was I was a corporate lad in in a job, and this was literally, you know, flicking a switch and then you're off. And I'm just getting into this, you know. And um yeah, I I it was a it was a rude awakening. It was tough.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

It was just about I was just about to say, we talked earlier about you dismantling your identity. This this identity got a rude awakening, like it was like uh it wasn't a slow chipping away art, this was uh propelled into a completely different uh vibe set of vibrations. What do you recall when you and Faye were tied up at Brighton and you managed to take Huey for a pee and then come back and just sit and put the kettle on and look at each other? Do you remember what that was like? Maybe it's too expletive, or maybe it was just stop solemn silence and not to be spoken of.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

It certainly wasn't tea, Steve. Um as a as a sailor, they say we uh we have short memories and we drink to forget. Um because I think if you don't, then uh I mean I get it now, you know, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. You need a you need a drink after you've been in some of these situations, Steve, because I think if you didn't you wouldn't go back out. But I do remember, um, I remember external conversation and I remember internal conversation at that point. Right external conversation was with Faye, um, and it was um around uh it's okay. Um trying to reassure her because this was this was really new for Faye as well, right? And I wanted this to be a positive experience for for me, for Faye, but it was but it was way more important to me that it was a more positive experience for Faye and and for the dog as well, which might sound aft, but I understand um I wanted it so badly to be really positive, and I was really cognizant that it wasn't, you know, at this point, and there was a long way to go. So I was just trying to be reassuring. Uh at times I was trying to explain, you know, that when I was shouting, it was because it was like really windy and you couldn't hear me, and like I, you know, I I'm not upset, and and you know, like it's not you, it's like we just need to get through this together. Yep, you know, and this is where I think to get Fay's take on the same thing would be really quite interesting, you know, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, there's a frame of reference there. But in internally, Steve, um, you know, you mentioned the identity. The identity was still there inside, and it was, what are you doing? You don't you don't belong here. This is not for you. You're making a right, you're making a right pig's ear of this. And um you're you're I I could feel like you know, the effect that it was having on me. I was getting upset at the weather forecast and how difficult everything was, and I was feeling the strain, you know, between Fay and I. And I'm just thinking, all this negative, I'm not thinking, okay, yeah, this is the first step, there's a hundred steps to go, and when you get to that, you know, 101st step, you're gonna feel so much better. It's the path that you're on, you're going in the right direction. Not thinking that at all. I'm thinking, the hell are you doing here?