The Wilderness : Part 2 - Lost at Land's End

Part two of The Wilderness.

Recovering from the shock of their first major setbacks, Rob, Faye and Hewy continue west along the south coast towards Land's End. As the conditions worsen and uncertainty grows, Rob confronts one of the lowest moments of the journey and begins to discover what keeps him moving forward when there are no easy answers.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Internally, Steve, you know, you mentioned the identity. The identity was still there inside, and it was, what are you doing? You don't you don't belong here. This is not for you. You're making a right, you're making a right pig's ear of this. And um, I I could feel like you know, the effect that it was having on me. I was getting upset at the weather forecast and how difficult everything was, and I was feeling the strain, you know, between Faye and I. And I'm just thinking, all this negative, I'm not thinking, okay, yeah, this is the first step, there's a hundred steps to go, and when you get to that, you know, 101st step, you're gonna feel so much better. It's the path that you're on, you're going in the right direction. Not thinking that at all. I'm thinking, the hell are you doing here?

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Yeah, imposter. This is the imposter you talked about. This is doubt and fear, and you don't belong. You said, I don't belong here. What are you doing? That's um, and I so that the threat system's high then. So you could, you know, there'll be an there would be, I mean, you can't because you've rented the house out and everything, but there could be an urge to just say, let's not bother.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

You know, we've had such a difficult experience. If it's gonna be like this for the next, I don't know, six, seven months or whatever, let's not bother.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Yeah, I I was I was thinking that.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Let's pretty much hit the hit the red button, right? We used to talk about that in the factories. Hit the red button.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

And it was, it was, you know, you can learn how to sail, you can learn how to navigate and and and do all those different things and read the weather. Um, but owning a boat is like owning a house. You've got to be a plumber, an electrician, a woodworker, you've got to understand plastics, glues, resin, sealants, windows, you know, everything. Yeah, you know, I had I had this impression, Steve, where if there was something wrong with the boat, because we just bought this boat and sailed off, right? Most people buy a boat and then they spend a bit of time working on it and and fixing things and and then they go, right? We've just gone and we've just gone and we've just been we were just on this boat, and I had this impression that we would pull into say Brighton, for example, and if we had an issue with anything, then you just call up the local tradespeople and they come down to the boat and and and they fix it, right? Yeah, that's just couldn't be further from the truth, and you know, you're you're kind of you know you're kind of on your own for a lot of it. It's on you. Yeah, it's a massively steep learning curve, just with the boat itself. And I remember, you know, getting on to reach out and I'm I'm talking to the the previous owner about I can't even flush the toilet. And I'm on the photo and saying, you know, what do I need to do here? And he's like, Oh, have you done this? Have you done that? I was like, No, okay, do these things, okay? It flushes now. And I've got all these people around me in the marina who own their boats and they've known their boats for years, and and and uh and they're asking me questions, and I've got no clue what they're talking about, to be honest with you, Steve. But I'm being amenable. Uh and uh I I'd cleaned the boat in the first week that we were on board, I must have cleaned the boat on the outside about three times. That's a big undertaking, it takes a long time. And this guy came along and he said to me, Um, well, you're cleaning your boat again. And I said, Yeah, yeah, I just like to keep a clean boat. But internally, Steve, it was like, I've got no idea how this boat works, but I know how to keep it clean. And I just felt like it just made me feel as though I was doing something.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That you could do that you were competent at and it would look nice, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Exactly, exactly that, you know. Um so yeah, Steve, you know, this the the the the you know, we talked about this transition, and you know what I could see was that I'd physically transitioned quite clearly into a completely different environment. However, the internal transition was gonna take a lot longer. Yeah, but you're right, you know, it was it was it was a it was a rude awakening, but uh I I without getting it without getting ahead of ourselves, it had to be big. I mean, I'm thinking about Tori Amos's song now. Remember, professional video, you're you like your desk, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like your chairs, yeah, yeah. It's gotta be big. You know, yeah. It had to be. I I think if it if it hadn't have been big, Steve, I'm not so sure that the transition would have actually happened because those those pillars of your identity are pillars and they are built sturdy over a course of years. And yeah, for sure, yeah. Yeah, I I think I was quite lucky in hindsight because it was so big, it did actually allow the transition to start immediately.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

One of the things you and I talked about when we were doing our pre-calls was um uh fundamentally what we start to see now is that I mean, in our business life together, when we've been in both and been in business, um, of course, I'm still working quite a bit with corporate clients and SMEs and charities, the word transformation gets used quite a lot still as a word, right? I mean, it's a word in the English language. What's the transformation here? But fundamentally, what you're saying is transformation only really happens. This is what we talked about, when there is no escape route. Like you have to move now. And that's when transformation, otherwise, you just stay where you were, right? Um, so if you're gonna if you're gonna go, um, David White has a a poem, um, Santiago and then finistery, and he talks about in that poem about crossing, leaving your boots at the shoreline and crossing the sea. You know, you've actually got to leave the shore, right? Um, which is quite nice given we're talking, I'm talking to a sailor now. Um, when there is no escape route, that's when the transformation will happen.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Um for sure. Um, yeah, you you can't, you know, in a situation, you can't bluff it, you can't half change. Do you know what I mean? It's it's it and and it what you made me think there was really, really interesting, Steve, because I've been involved in lots of transformations, um which might have eventually well, they might sound like good on paper, and you know, you you you achieve all the actions, right? We are now transformed. Great. But really, you're not.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Are we really? Yeah, as is the underlying well, that's why I started studying um systemic coaching and constellations and human systems, because I was interested in the underlying why what we might call the underlying forces that uh influence how groups operate, right? And it's a lot, there's a lot in it, right? Of course, and part of that is that is the deeper identities that people carry. Um so you and Fair are at Brighton, and you take a breath uh and a shot of whiskey, some rum, and you go again, right? You've got 1960 Nordical miles to go or whatever. Um you're gonna start out now uh getting along. Um uh what's the what was the plan? What was what direction are you going in? Where where's the route taking you?

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Yeah, so we were going uh clockwise around the UK. So Eastbourne is on the very southeast tip of uh of England, and we were going west through the English Channel and then up through the Irish Sea. Um, and the plan was to go around the top of Scotland and then down the east coast back to Newcastle for the winter. That was the plan.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Yeah, just just that.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I make it sound like it's a little solution, like you know, just a little, you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

Roll roll your boat. Uh we're just going all the way around UK shores, you know, and then back in back in back into uh Newcastle and Sunderland for um for the winter time. So if we um think about the engine failing and then you getting back out to sea, um where does this journey take us next? Um what's what what comes up for you when I when you think about that journey, particularly along that south coast uh heading west the channel?

SPEAKER_01 8:40

The first thing that comes to mind, honestly, is the beauty of that area of the world. Um I I'm from the northeast of England. I'd never been to the south coast, Steve. I could be I could be in Turkey on a Sun Lounger before I could get to the South Coast, right? That's how far away the south coast is, bro, for someone from Newcastle. Um so I I'd never been there. And sailing past the Seven Sisters, you know, this um, you know, the the white cliffs, yeah, um, and and seeing, like I say, so intimately the South Coast. The first thing was just it was just completely gorgeous, Steve. Um, and I I would recommend anyone to go and um even like especially by boat and go and see that part of the world because it is it's stunning. And some of the places we'd gotten into historic little ports like you know, Brixham and uh like Weymouth, and they're just gorgeous little towns. And we were, I mean, it was it it was kind of getting easier and it kind of wasn't, you know. Um lots of the same things with the weather making things difficult. One thing that we were getting right though was all of our navigation work and and all of our tidal timings and and stuff. Um, but it would it seemed weird because when you when you have a win, uh it was like not really recognized, but when there was a loss, it was like, oh my god, you know, there was a full concentration on oh well I've got not gonna I've got to improve upon that, and I wasn't really taking time to to recognize that for the wins, yeah. Yeah, like it would just be a lot was going right, but uh we I was just focusing on what was going wrong. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Um that sounds tough. You know, there's this there's this interesting juxtaposition of sitting on the board, and I've seen some of your videos and podcasts, right? Uh, your YouTube videos of you sitting stood clips where you're stood and you're talking and you're looking along the coastline, and you know, it's like something out of a movie, you know, it's um it just looks so beautiful and brilliant, and as you said, an intimate relationship with time and with the coastline. So that's juxtaposition with an with an internal mind of worrying about what's gonna go wrong or worrying about when it's difficult. Um so seeing the winds as kind of uh well, we okay, we got through that one right next. Um all the way though, I guess you are you are there's a phrase, isn't that cutting your teeth? You are cutting your teeth here, you're on a big learning curve, steep learning curve, getting hours of experience. And I'm assuming you mentioned when you were testing outreach out uh in Eastbourne, you had cuts and bruises, and I imagine that continued while you were going along the west coast, you know. It's not you're not without minor injuries.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Yeah, yeah, it did. It it it it did happen, Steve. Yeah. Um, but I think when you know when we were when we were coming through, there was two there were two spots on the east on the south coast where I was I uh you know I I could see it, you know, I couldn't see it physically, but I was really aware that we needed to go through these two quite notorious points. One of them was Port Portland Bill. So Portland Bill is is a lighthouse um on um a stretch of water just south of of Weymouth, and it is just notorious uh in terms of you've got tide coming down one side of this a long peninsula, and you've got tide coming down the other side of that peninsula, and they meet at the bottom and they create what we call a tidal race. And you've got to go through this tidal race at exactly the right time with exactly the right wind conditions, or I mean, and this is not kind of overstating its deep. There has been many, many vessels sunk off the coast of Portland Bill. Wow, um, yeah, it's a it's a real I mean if you look it up, if any of your listeners look it up, it's a you can see if you look up Portland Bill on a rough day, I mean, it looks like Armageddon, Steve. So I was where I was wary of that one, but um, you know, we'd uh we I'd I'd obviously been looking at that and researching that. Um, and I'd and the good thing about fellow sailors in sailing clubs and stuff is they love a chin wag, especially when the jaw's been loosened with a few pints of real ale, you know. And they share, they share information, and there's what I've learned is there's nothing better than local information.

unknown 13:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:09

You know, you can read all the books and you can research on the internet all you like, but local information is where it's at, you know, and that's all the way through Europe as well. Right. Um but and and and I I don't really want to overplay it because we were we were when we when we came around Portland Bill, um, we did it, we timed it to perfection. There's an offshore route and an inshore route. The inshore route is a bit more technical, um, and you you're a lot closer to rocks, and there's a lot more could go wrong if you if you know if you time it wrong, it's etc. We took the inshore route, Steve. Absolutely buzzing, right? I felt as though I could have touched it, and um wow, and yeah, and then when when you round Portland Bill, you come out into what you call Lime Bay, L Y M E Bay, and it is uh like it's like a 50-mile crossing across my uh Line Bay, and it's across the Jurassic coast, and it is just just breathtakingly gorgeous. And I came around Portland Bill, the wind filled in from a beautiful direction. I'm doing seven and a half knots, the boat sounds like she's just fizzing through the water, we're pointing out where we want to go, the sea is flat. I mean, we were you know, I was just thinking, wow, you know, I was expecting everything to go wrong around the south of Portland Bill, and now look, the sun was out steam. We had to get the sun cream out, and it was just a beautiful kind of six hours, seven hours across Line Bay, and we arrived into um we arrived into Brixham. Um, and yeah, we got tied up to this little pontoon, went to a lovely little yacht club and uh like a pint and and whatnot. And yeah, it was great, and that was it was kind of nice to tick that one off, and and there was the nothing had gone wrong, Steve. Everything had gone right, so there was no, but I could have done this better the next time. Yeah, and I felt as I felt that when I'm sitting there having my pint, and I'm kind of thinking to myself, what well actually, what what what did go wrong?

SPEAKER_00 15:02

I'm still hunting for it in my mind, and it and it was beautiful, and you could see it, and it was beautiful, you could relax, pay attention. And just as we go along this course, tell me about this relationship. There's an interesting part of the story for me, which is about you being out on your own in the sea and then coming back to the ports, new ports that you've never been, mooring up and then walking into pubs, restaurants, fish and chip shops, meeting locals on the beach and the on the on the on the um bayside. Um this contact with locals, you know, meeting strangers everywhere you go, you know, and introducing yourself and seeing what response you get. Um there's something that's an important part of the journey, right? Although you're on the boat a lot and you're out at sea a lot, you of course you're sometimes you're mooring offshore, maybe, but and then going in on your small boat. But uh, when you're docking, engagement with locals and traditions and stories must be a rich part of your memories now.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

It's an it's an incredible uh part of it of the experience, Steve. It's an integral part because yeah, you're off living on a boat and it's just me feeling a dog. And then so there's a part of there's a part of you as a human that just needs a bit of social interaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You find yourself when you're in a situation where everything's new and you don't know anybody, you find yourself way more um like it's it reminds me, you know, when people say hello to you in London on the tube and you're like, whoa, what does this guy want? You know, and it's like well, good one is it. Oh, he's a bit of a psycho. Yeah, but uh like you know, he must be from the north, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Not from here. Um, but yeah, but it's it's an incredibly important part, and you find yourself just coming out of yourself and actively going out and and meeting. I remember the guy in Brixham, there's a little fish market there in the bottom of the harbour, and I was just looking at all of his fish, and you know, some fish I'd never seen before, even though I'm from North Shields and I know me fish inside out as a result, right? Yeah, um, and I said, So morning, mate. And he's like, Morning, you alright? I'm like, Yeah, I'm fine, how are you? And he's like, I'm I'm selling fish in my fish shop, I couldn't be happier.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

Yeah. Wow, there's a guy just like perfectly happy, you know. But then um, which you don't meet very often, like that's why I that's why I bring it up. You know, how many times have you met a stranger? How are you doing? I'm absolutely tip top, thank you for asking.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And knowing knowing he's kind of the pig in the mud, right? I've I I've I've made it, you know. Um what more do I need? Uh here I am, people are coming by my fish, and uh I'm in I'm really enjoying myself. Um uh what what was uh along this stretch um as you start to go west, you've not mentioned the engine again.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

So yeah, yeah. So so was it all right? Yeah, it was eventually. So the so the you there's a there's a system which we call the fuel system. So fuel sits in your tank, yeah, just as it does in a car, and it needs to get to the engine, it gets there via pipes and pumps and stuff like that. And there's a number of different filters that it goes through to make sure that the fuel that gets to the engine is as clean as possible. So it was about understanding what is that system because I didn't know what it was, I didn't know how it went from A to B to C to D to E. But I learned that. Um and it started with I took a there's an inspection hatch on the tank, look in the tank, does it look clean? There's a there's a do you know like when you talk about reincarnation? And uh if I if I if I if reincarnation is real, I want to come back as a a dog or or whatever, right? Yeah, or a comment on a yeah, that's it, right? Well, there's a thing called diesel bug, right? Now, if you can imagine there's water in diesel as well, and it separates out over time, um, plus there's there's there's moisture in the air here that sits in the fuel tank as well, and that can come out depending on different changes to the temperature and stuff.

unknown 19:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

So where you where you get the water at the bottom of a tank and the diesel sits on the top of it, you're not talking about a lot of water, it's just a little film, film. There's a microscopic layer that exists between the water and the fuel, and in that microscopic uh fuel lives diesel bug, a bug that just loves to that's its ideal environment, Steve. And when it dies, it creates like a black crud, and that crud can block up your fuel system. Wow. So when I mentioned reincarnation, I do not want to come back as diesel bug. Imagine you came back and you think, oh, I'm I'm alive, I'm alive. Reincarnation is real, and you're living in a fuel tank on a boat.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

But you learned this, right? You over time it has been revealed to you how to manage your fuel system. So you correct, yeah. Now and that you suspect that was what was going on when you came out of Eastbourne.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Yeah, that's right. So we got in. There was a little bit of uh crud in the tank. I mean, I've seen far worse in the research that I was doing, but there's main fail, uh, you know, we've got syringes and we're filtering and we're doing all sorts like covered in diesel, and and there we are on an afternoon getting it sorted out and changing the filters, and and then it didn't happen again. It was absolutely fine.

SPEAKER_00 20:23

Never had um this process of learning, you know, uh thinking you could just port up and somebody will come and fix these things. Um, you know, um I get a sense that you're starting you would start to maybe try and own calling yourself sale real sailors now because you've you're doing you're dealing with some of these things now, right? Um so as you move along this west coast, land's end, I guess, is coming, right? It's yeah it's it's approaching. What is going on in the dynamic between you and I don't mean your marriage, I mean the psychology of you being okay or not okay with sailing, you know, you you thinking Jesus shit, this is difficult, this is challenging, we feel out of our depth, I'm an imposter. What's going on for you both psychologically as you m approach Land's End? And and how how long was that from setting off in Eastbourne to Land's End? Do you remember?

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Yeah, I do. Um, so so Land's End was the second of the two that I mentioned before. There were two things that I had my hands on. Land's End was the other one. We enjoyed the south coast of England so much that I think we took six or eight weeks to get through it. We were in no hurry, Steve. The weather was glorious. Well, I mean, we were getting it to Devon and Cornwall, and that there's a coastal path that goes uh all around Devon and uh Cornwall. I think it might even go around most of the UK, you know. I think I don't want to.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

I think it does now. They've just opened up the final routes, I think. Yeah, I've just been watching the movie with Julian Anderson called The Salt Path.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Right?

SPEAKER_00 21:57

There's a movie called The Salt Path, and them two walk 200 and 300 miles or something.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Um Steve, I mean, we were these cliffside walks, right? And just sheer cliffs going down to the sea and hundreds of feet, really high, covered in wild flowers, you know, of every colour, just completely incredible. The dogs in their element, you know, this is new smells everywhere she goes. The sailing was hard, but when when we were when we were looking at Land's End being the next passage, we were in a glorious place called Mullyan Cove. And Mully and Cove is just around the Lizard Pen Peninsula. Um, and um it's a beautiful little tiny harbour. And we'd been staying in marinas most of the time because to be honest with you, we weren't we weren't we didn't feel confident enough to stay on anchor. You know, on anchor, you just put your you put your anchor down and you're and you're swinging on a chain, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:55

And if that comes out offshore, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:58

Well, on on the coast, you know, in in shallower water and stuff. Um, but if if it comes if you anchored what we call drags from the seabed, then your boats adrift, right? And it happens during the night. Uh so you know, there is we knew how to do it and we had done it, but we just didn't feel confident with everything else going on. So we were in the safeties of marinas. But at Mully and Cove, we were on anchor, and we were on anchor there for a week. A friend came to see us with his dog, a good friend of mine, Stu. Um, and it was more of a peaceful life where there was just us just you know watching the tide go up, watching the tide go down, going for nice walks to the local pub. Um, but it did get very, very windy while we were on anchor, and that would that became a bit stressful, you know, is the is the is the anchor dragging, and you know, so it was it was whilst I think we were we were becoming more competent, fixing issues, you know, starting to anchor. There was still these reminders that you know you're not fully in you're not fully in control here. Um and you know, we still my my my my reaction to that was to you know to to feel fear still. Right. But so we were we were in there, we were there for a week waiting for a weather window to go around around Land's End. Land's End is um is a technical piece of water for certain. You've got to approach it at the right time, which means that if you can imagine it, you know, um going coming from the east, you want the tide to push you from the east to the west, but then you want the tide to then push you from the south to the north as you go around it. That is possible, but you've got to get there at the right time. And there was a you know, what what you want is the wind not coming from the north. That's the that's what you don't want, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:42

Um when you get when you get round, you're gonna be right into the wind.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Correct. So we're going we're if we're sailing west, and then we're gonna be sailing kind of north, right? Because what we I mean, talk about taking the stabilizers off. There's not really much. Once you get round Land's End for a boat of our size, there's not really much there on the North Cornwall coast. It's really small ports, they're they're not very well protected. Um, so what we thought was we're gonna do our first overnight passage to a place called Milford Haven. I think it was about 170 miles. So here we've been on anchor for a week, Steve, and we're thinking, right, now we're gonna go around Land's End and we're gonna do an overnighter to Milford Haven, and we're gonna cover 170 miles. Um, so we're feeling nervous about that. First overnight passing.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

This is your first, yeah, your first overnighter, okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:30

Exactly, exactly. And I mean, overnight sailing is something completely different in itself, right? Um, but but we were waiting for the weather window, um, and the weather said it's time to go. And we set off, I think, at like 5 a.m., 4 a.m., maybe even. Um, so just starting to get light, and um the weather was as forecast. We had a glorious sail up towards uh Land's End. Wind started to pick up a little bit more, but that was fine, it was coming from the right direction, and it meant that when we turned north, it was going to be on our side, on our starboard side. So really perfect. This is gonna be glorious when we get rounds lands end, really is again when you yeah, again, when you go around Land's End, you can take an offshore route or you can take an inshore route, and you've got all all the rocks are named, you know. It's it's so it's it's it's it's so peculiar that over time like everything's been given a name, you know, like by by the sailors and the people who make the charts. Um and you know, you you go past like long ships and and and stuff like that, right? Um, I think there's one called Camel up there as well. I'm not sure, I can't remember. But either way, there's a technical inshore route as well. And and I said to Fear, I says, We'll take the inshore route, and you get a really close look at Land's End itself, you know, the most western point of yes, um, like mainland, uh mainland um kind of England. And uh it was beautiful, Steve, right? It's uh this is the plan of plans, like we're on track here and we're doing well. And then I started to notice in the distance what we call some white horses. And a white horse is where you start to get, you know, like when it starts to get windy and you start to like look at you look out at sea and you see the white bits. Yes, they're white horses, that's what we call white horses, and what that usually means is that it's rough water, and it can be rough for one of a variety of different reasons, but it's barely a good sight to see. And I'm thinking, why is that all white over there? I don't know. Um and you know, I I'm when you get a long time to look at it, like I said before, you're only going kind of like six knots or something at this point, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, and you're thinking, oh, right, okay. And then I'm noticing on my wind indicator the wind's starting to change direction, and I'm thinking, what the hell? And this easterly wind that we had um of about 15-16 knots, which was just ideal, turned it to like 25 knots from the north. Now, I said before, what we didn't want was the wind coming from the north. Um, because sailboats don't sail very well into the wind for for for it's the most uncomfortable point of sail. But bear in mind we had the tide coming from the south to the north, and the wind now coming from the north to the south. So they meet each other, Steve, you know, and and they meet each other and they kind of puff up and they create a rough seal. There's a saying, wind against tide equals rough ride. That's what the sailors say, right? Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

I'm just thinking, oh and it and there's no place to you've got to go round, right? You're committed now. You can't you can't pull in somewhere.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

No, there's nowhere to pull in, definitely not. Uh you're committed, right? And I'm thinking, oh, well, maybe it'll maybe, I mean, this is just not in the forecast at all. Maybe it'll sort itself out. Um, but we've got over a hundred miles to go. We've got to go through the night, and as as the minutes went by, this sea state was getting rougher, the wind was getting stronger, and I'll be honest with you, it was crap.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

Was it bad? And yeah, it was really rough. Uh you know, we were reefing the sails, which makes me means making them um smaller, very, very difficult in those conditions. I thought it was weird because it was a blue sky, just royal blue waters, stunning coastline, and then just this just us in in offshore, just thinking bloody hell. I I I can't do another kind of 20 hours of this.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Um well that was gonna be that's the invitation, right? That's ahead of you. We're gonna have to do another 20 hours of this.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Yeah, and and um Faye, I could see, wasn't enjoying it. Even little Yui, like I said, just sleeps through most of it. She wasn't happy with it. And I was just sat there, Steve, and I was just thinking, well, what what can we do here? And it was like it was one of those situations where I knew it was crap, Faye knew it was crap, but like we weren't saying it out loud, we just didn't have didn't have it.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:12

Um and I'll be honest, I was sat there with my sunglasses on and uh I just felt really emotional because I'd uh I like I said, but you know, at the start of this call, um I wanted to be a skipper who created an enjoyable experience for me for for Faye especially and and for the dog. And here I was in a situation going wind against tide around Land's End. I mean, it was miserable, Steve. And I'm I I'm I'm making these decisions, and this is where I've put us. It was my fault.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

This is where I've put us, yeah. The guilt, the shame, the worry, all my decisions have come to this moment.

SPEAKER_01 30:58

Yeah, and behind my sunglasses, I'll be honest with you, Steve. I was I I shed some tears.

SPEAKER_00 31:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What am I what am I gonna do here?

SPEAKER_01 31:07

Yeah, it was it was hard, and and that's where Faye kind of um jumped in and recognized that I was feeling emotional and and and gave me a hug, and which made me more emotional. Um but uh it was at that stage where I just thought, right, what am I gonna do? What what am I gonna do about this? I'm not gonna sit here and I'm not gonna be crying on my own boat and and and just being like lost.