The Lost Art of Manners: Dignity, Decency, and Why It Still Matters

In this episode, Carmen explores what manners truly represent — not as rigid rules or performative politeness, but as everyday acts of dignity, awareness, and human connection. Through personal stories and real‑world examples, she reflects on how small gestures like “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and “I’m sorry” shape the way we move through shared spaces. 

Manners, as Carmen explains, were never just about sounding proper. They were about respect — for elders, for strangers, for the people we encounter in grocery aisles, offices, sidewalks, and everywhere in between. “Manners was about having a sense of dignity,” she says, and that dignity is something we offer each other through presence, consideration, and empathy. 

From knowing when to listen, when to speak, and when to walk away, to recognizing how our behavior impacts others, this episode is a reminder that the simplest habits can shift the energy around us. As Carmen puts it, “Manners are about simply saying, I see you, I know that I exist in the world with you.” 

A grounded, thoughtful conversation about decency, awareness, and the small choices that make us better to one another.

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER:  As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast.  Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance. 

Transcript

Hey everyone. Welcome to all about the joy. This is Carmen Talk. Kind of will give you a visual of what I'm talking about. When I was growing up, I went to Catholic school because we lived in the archdiocese and we used to wear those plaid. Was it plaid or flannel? Plaid. Plaid looking jumpers and it was green and blue with a little bit of red in it.

I kind of vaguely remember it and I only had one of those 'cause they were very expensive and we had like two or three of the white shirts you wore underneath it. But. Because we always wanted to present in a very clean and very, you know, we always wanted to make sure we looked presentable and had the air of not poverty.

Right. Um, I would have to wash that jumper and we would wash it by hand with that. Ava. We called it Ava, but I don't know what it's called. It's like a washing board, I guess. And you would wash it and then you would have it dry overnight. Back then, I don't know if dryers existed. They probably did. I'm acting like I was born in the 18 hundreds or something.

But, um, it, we didn't have a dryer, is what I'm saying. We had the outside line drying thing where you hang up the clothes on a, on a string or a rope or whatever, and uh, you know, you would, you would have that jumper and it would be still damp in the morning. And so you would use your iron 'cause you'd also have to iron it.

You would iron it so that it would try to, so you would use the iron to try to make it. Oh my God, it's so weird to think about this. I didn't put this in the script, but you would, you would try to dry it with the iron, you know? Um, like I'm laughing, but I'm also sad about that. But it's true. And then you would put it on and it would have that really weird.

Damp feeling to it, you know, but that was part of, uh, being presentable. It was part of our etiquette. It was part of making sure we didn't present as poor, because we may have been poor, but we weren't going to behave as poor. We were always going to be clean and proper and have manners. That was the deal.

So for me, manners was really about not presenting as being poor and being from a poor neighborhood. And I'm not saying that was always the intention by the adults that were kind of hammering it into my head, but that's what it always felt like because I couldn't understand why we had to. Act so proper as if we were rich people, right?

Because etiquette and manners seem to be associated with only rich folk. And so I was always confused by, you know, that might have been when I started my acting career. I have no idea actually. But I always thought of it that way. But there was also this kind of fierce thing from my mom. And from the other adults, especially in the community that was about, you will be respectful because manners wasn't just about what you said.

It wasn't just about saying thank you and please, and, excuse me, and I'm sorry it was never about the words you said. It was about showing respect. And you would show respect to the elders in the community. You would show respect to other Adults and people of authority, whether it was teachers or police or you know, people who owned companies stores in the neighborhood or whatever.

You always were about showing a sense of respect. It was about dignity. Okay. Manners was about having a sense of dignity. Emily Lee Post was an American writer, and in 1922 she wrote a book called Etiquette. Now, I never read the book until I was much older. I think I was in college, but I was always aware of Emily Post because it was a shortcut, right?

It was a shorthand to reminding me of my manners. If I wasn't getting the glare from, you know, my mother or some adult to remind me, because that is always the biggest reminder that you are outta line, you know? Um, but what's interesting when you do read the book, Emily Post didn't just talk about having manners and saying all the right words.

She was actually more concerned with how manners. Affected other people. How you presented to other people was one part of it, but how manners actually affected other people because it showed a level of not just respect, but it was also about consideration and more importantly, that. Whatever you did in the world, it wasn't affecting other people in a negative way because you had awareness, you had an ability to understand that who you were would also affect other people.

And that is the key part of manners that I, I don't think people really understand the through line. People think that it's. Some weird, repetitive thing that you need to do and that it shows still that air of like you were raised right, or you were, you know, uh, trained properly or you have good parenting, but it's actually, that's just a small side benefit.

The real important part about having manners is about how. You present in the world that you know you're not the only one in existence and therefore you are considerate of other people. That how you choose to be on the planet isn't all about you. That you have social awareness of others around you. And that's what I think is the most significant part of being someone who has manners and is a person who cares about other people.

It's really fascinating when you think about it. The definition of the word please, like what does it mean, right? Please, isn't just a throwaway line that we put at the beginning to present as having manners. Please, actually is a. Request or a demand. I guess if you use it as a verb, which rarely people use it as a verb, like you would say something like, do whatever pleases you.

That would be using the word please as a verb. But most of the time when we're using the word please, we are in a polite way, making a demand, a request. Please pass the salt, right. Please put your coat over there. Whatever it is. Now, the reason why this matters is because I wanna give you a great example of how this works.

I've seen this in offices. When you are a supervisor or a manager, or you are somebody of authority, you own the company and people work for you. What tends to happen is people just demand things without realizing. You might say it in a nice tone, but if you say something like, I need everyone here to get this done by five o'clock.

That is very different than Please everyone. We need to get this done by five o'clock. There's a very different way in which please works in there. Please, helps soften that demand. And the reason why I think this is so important is because when we start to understand why manners are important, we start to use them almost automatically in our everyday verbiage and in our everyday lives.

And so please becomes something that you understand is a way to get things that you need done or ways in which you get the things you need to, that you're requesting or demanding. That actually help the other person want to give them to you easier and better, and with a happier attitude, it's the easiest way to change the tone of things.

When you want something done or you need something given to you, or you need something presented to you, please is such an easy word to use and to incorporate into your everyday life.

Now let's talk about the word thank you. Thank you is a polite way of showing gratitude and acknowledgement and appreciation for something that someone has done, but it communicates so much more than that, right? It communicates. I noticed your effort. I noticed you. I value what you did and who you are.

Thank you also is kind of saying, you know what? I recognize that you did that and that you didn't have to. Thank you. Embodies all of that, and more importantly thank you, is one of those things. It's like the simplest way to acknowledge somebody else's humanity. E imagine that. Yeah. And you've just been saying thank you, like as a throwaway line, but thank you is actually, I mean, think about how many times someone has said thank you to you, and you were like, oh, no problem.

Anytime. 'cause it felt good. It felt good to be acknowledged, to be told that you did something so good. And again, I'm not trying to diss all the offices I've worked in, but because we all work in offices and that seems to be a really interesting place where things happen, where sometimes people forget to do some of these things.

When your boss comes over out of the blue and for no apparent reason and just says. Thank you. Thank you for the meeting yesterday. Thank you so much for what you said in that meeting yesterday. It was really great. Thank you. It throws you right? It's, it would be so amazing if your supervisor, your boss, whoever came and said that to you.

But it's also the simplest things, right? It's also when another adult, if you're in the grocery store or whatever, and you drop something and somebody else picks it up and, and you say thank you to them, as opposed to just taking it from them. That's not who we are. We don't just do those things. But you know what, we're, we're, we're kind of doing those things.

So do better say thank you.

Next up is, excuse me. So excuse me, is you know, a polite way to get someone's attention. And you're asking for permission. You're asking for permission, and acknowledging that there's a small intrusion you're about to make, excuse me, is about basically saying, look it, I know right now I'm in your way. Do you mind if I get by you?

Excuse me, is one of the best ways in which you can acknowledge also a stranger. Like if somebody, I, this is one of the ones I can't stand, but when you are in the grocery store and you're looking like maybe you're looking at cans of whatever, you're trying to look for something and, and then like a person comes and walks, like right between you and the shelving.

And they don't say, excuse me, I, I don't understand what that is, but that happens all the time and I'm the complete opposite. And I know somebody else would say right now. Yeah. But if you are in the grocery store and it's really crowded, that's saying, excuse me a lot. Yes, it is. It absolutely is. And it's effortless.

And you know what happens Every time I make sure I say, excuse me, before I, I cross in front of somebody who is looking for something. The, the reaction is always, oh, of course, no problem, because nobody else has said, excuse me, to them as they've walked by. No one. Excuse me, is one of those things that, you know, I am about to enter your space and I'm about to interrupt you, and I realize I'm doing that.

And so I just want to ask you permission if I can do that right now. It is also one of the simplest things you can learn to say on a regular basis. Okay? And it's also, again, we're going back to what manners means. Making sure that you realize anything you are doing in the world isn't hurting or impeding on other people who are also functioning in the world.

Let's talk about the word. I'm sorry, this one gets me in trouble all the time, but let's talk about it in the way that it is meant to be used. Okay? It's used to acknowledge harm, impact, or an inconvenience, whether it's intentional or unintentional. Okay? And it's also there to kind of communicate to other people that.

I'm taking responsibility for my part in whatever just occurred. Now, this is a little bit of a nuanced word, phrasing because I know that a lot of people use it kind of as an automatic way to, I don't know what the right way to say this is, but I've been kind of berated over it because I will say I'm sorry, and I've, and, and nothing's happened.

But I actually think that's not true. I think that when you become someone who is always aware of your surroundings, you are always making sure you're not inconveniencing someone else. You are always trying to go out of your way to make sure that you are not. In someone else's space. Now, here is where, I'm sorry, does become a problem, especially for young girls and women because sometimes we think we don't belong in those spaces, right?

And we think that we are out of our element when actually that's because society has taught us that somehow we're not worthy to be in those spaces. And again, intentional or not, that's how little girls are raised. Or have been in the past. Hopefully things are changing, but I know for me, that's why so many people have gotten upset with me because I will automatically always say, I'm sorry.

And sometimes it comes across as I'm just saying it out of habit, and that's partially true. And yet I'm going to sit here and say, I wish more people would say, I'm sorry. Why? Because I think. More people should be aware of how they're inconveniencing other people or how they might be harming or impacting other people with just their mere presence sometimes, right?

I had somebody the other day when I was walking down the street and there were two women walking towards me and you know, it was a sidewalk. And I kept walking and neither one of them would move out of the way. Look it, this is, again, this is about manners. This is about just basic decency. If there were two people walking your way and you are one person, your two people, you guys should get in the single file and let the other person.

Walk next to you the opposite way. Do you expect me to jump into the middle of the street so that you guys can keep your little chitchatting going again, not being able to be aware of your, that you're inconveniencing someone else by what you are doing, right? So they kept walking by and I kept walking.

'cause where was I gonna go? And the shoulders hit, right? The, our shoulders hit each other because she wasn't gonna move. It was really weird. And they didn't say, I'm sorry. I said, oh, I'm so sorry. They just kept chatting. They kept talking unaware of not even caring that they, and, and again, it's, these are basic human being, a basic human, decent human being is so important, especially right now.

Especially right now. Being able to say, I'm sorry. I would rather that you err on the side of saying it too much than not saying it ever, and not at all because you do not acknowledge when you are impacting someone else causing possible harm or physical harm, and also just inconveniencing other people.

So let's try to say, I'm sorry a little bit more often, or at least acknowledge that you haven't been saying it when maybe you should have. Let me give you some other examples of things. And situations that you probably find yourself in on a regular basis where your presence, where you can show manners in just your presence, and show other people that you do care about who you are in the world in relation to other people.

One of those is, you know. Make sure that you are not on your phone when somebody is talking to you. Again, I go back to the, I feel like all of my examples are like grocery store or in an office, but we're just going with it. Okay. But when you're in the grocery store and you're at the checkout line and you are on your phone and the cashier is trying to cash you out and they're scanning their stuff and you're taking that moment to, you know, 'cause you're so busy, you're so self-absorbed that you have to be on the phone.

And it puts that person in a position that is one of the most basic areas where you could have more manners and acknowledge that the cashier is, is doing something for you. And yes. She's getting paid or he's getting paid and the bagger is doing their thing and they are getting paid to do that service.

But you know what would be better is if you acknowledged that they are working and helping you and getting your stuff taken care of. It is such an easy thing to do and I am shook. I'm telling you shook how many times I am in the grocery store and I cannot believe people. Have to be on their phone. It's such a weird, I am so busy and important.

Oh my God, I have to take this call. It's bullshit. It's you being an inconsiderate ass. It also holds up everyone else. It's also just bad manners. We're going back to the manners thing, so that's a really easy one to stop doing. Just put your phone in your pocket and have a moment to have a face-to-face conversation with someone.

Acknowledging people is such an easy thing to do, and you never know. You might meet someone that you might wanna talk to in the future. You never know. This is one that I am, you know, I'm gonna just admit right now that I'm also at fault for, but I try to work on it every day. When you're listening to someone and you're just ready to interrupt them because you already know what you wanna say, you're not even listening anymore, like they've said something and just you are gonna interrupt them.

So, acknowledging. That just because you think that what you have to say next is more important now that you wanna interrupt someone, acknowledging that maybe that person needs to say their piece, learning to listen to people, letting them finish. And then responding is also good manners. It's also just a good way to be in a conversation with someone.

Being in a conversation with somebody means you need to be able to listen to them. Fully and completely, even if what they're talking about is gibberish or you know, they've gone down the rabbit hole. I do this with one of my clients. I love her to death, but she'll even acknowledge that sometimes she'll go off on a tangent and I'll have to like stop her.

But see, the difference is, is. I stop her in a very respectful, kind manner because she's my boss. You see the difference? So I have to be better about letting people, whether it's on the Friday Night Live or whatever it is, when we are having conversations with people, even if I know everything, they're about to say, I need to let them finish.

And then once that button happens, right, the button is at space. After someone finishes a sentence, there it is. Then you can. Respond. That is another way in which you can start having proper manners, listen to someone and then respond. Having a. Presence is also a form of respect. And what do I mean by that?

When someone else is like, let's say you're talking in a group of three or four people, and even if it has nothing to do with you or it has nothing to do with whatever work you need to get to, whatever, being someone who is attentive and being someone who is in the conversation, even if it has nothing to do, is also a form of manners and respect.

If you go to a party, for example. And you happen to see people on the couch and they're talking about something and, and they're trying to rope you into it. And you know, if you were to be like, yeah, no, this isn't the conversation I'm interested in. See, you would never say that, right? You would never be quote unquote that rude, but you would walk away from it.

You would walk away from it. And sometimes when it's not a natural moment to walk away, you are now seen as being inconsiderate and rude. So even if it's something, so I, I went to this party once, this was, I'll never forget this 'cause this was all like highfalutin people, and I'm not talking about Hollywood people.

I'm talking about like, you know, highfalutin rich oil, money kind of people. And I just happened to be there because one of my clients had invited me and. I was totally quote unquote outta my element, though I always feel very comfortable in wherever I am, but they, I was like in a, in a group of like scientist people and they were totally just talking outta my element and I just stayed there just listening and trying to understand.

And finally when somebody acknowledged me I was like, I really have no idea what you guys are talking about, but I'm trying. And they all laughed and they were so funny. And, and it and, and it created this kind of really comfortable moment if I had just walked away. Not only would I have lost out in that brilliant moment, but I also would've been seen as rude or.

Uneducated or unintelligent or, but instead, what happened was I allowed some vulnerability to come through, but I stayed and I had presence while I was there and it, it, you know, I'm still friends with one of the people I met there who really is a brain yak. But anyways, you get my point. So that's another way to remember.

Having manners, being aware of your surroundings and who you are in those surroundings is also really important when it comes to having manners. Let's talk about manners of disagreement. I think that's a really interesting one. I feel like when you have a disagreement with somebody, the way in which you choose to deal with that disagreement really matters.

And this is not to say that you have to endure, uh, bullshittery things that you don't agree with, or people who are just crass or mean. That's not what this is about, but. When you are in a debate or an argument and you are going back and forth, there are certain things that I know shows a level of someone who has proper etiquette and manners because they don't do these things.

They don't try to humiliate someone. If you try to humiliate someone to win an argument, you've already lost and you haven't just lost the argument. You've also lost the respect of the room. Because you don't have any manners. You don't understand how to play fair, right? if you don't know how to not escalate.

So I think this is a big one for police officers as well. This is something that I am confused why they don't teach this in police school or whatever it's called, the academy or whatever, but not learning or understanding how not to escalate a situation. Is really important. So if you are able to have a conversation with somebody and you don't have to know how to deescalate, but certainly you don't wanna make it worse.

For example, there shouldn't be any name calling. Like just because you don't agree with somebody, you don't have to call them a name that's gonna escalate the situation. And also name calling is just bad manners. It's, it's cheap and it's easy and it's just bad. Right? also when we assume that people are coming to the table in bad faith.

Look it. I know when someone is BSing me 100%, like there are very few gifts that the good Lord gave me or the universe or whatever. Like I, there are certain things I was born with and I can tell when someone is full of crap instantaneously and I have to say 99.9% of the time, or 99 point 99% of the time.

I am not wrong, but. I still would not turn around ever and just assume that people are coming from bad faith. I always assume that people are coming to the table from a good place first, but once you show your cards, then there are consequences to that, right? So, and that's a whole other conversation, but the whole point is, is having good manners means.

Not just assuming everyone is good, but at least giving people the chance to begin the conversation and that they're coming from a place of goodness and not bad faith. Another thing that's really good that's in line with that is knowing when to walk away. This is really hard because I think a lot of people 

Take this badly when you know when it's time to walk away and you do that cleanly without the residual of hate and anger or whatever. That also shows such an amount of character, and that comes from having really good manners and a good understanding of who you are in the world and how you were affecting other people.

So when you realize, and this has happened so many times, it's happened on the show as well, like especially at the beginning, like. If people are just gonna be crass and angry and mean and whatever, there's nothing I can, I, I can't, there's nothing I can do about that. I, uh, you, you do, you, you don't have to come on the show.

Right? I say that all the time now. but it's kind of that thing where you want to be very aware of the fact that there are just some things. You can't fix. I am always going to be who I am, and you are always gonna be who you are. And there is beauty in who you are, and I wanna acknowledge that.

And I realize that not everyone is going to like me, and not everyone is gonna. Be the perfect person to be in my life, and you don't have to be. There's 8 billion people in the world. Just because we crossed paths this one time doesn't mean we're gonna be best friends or we, or it's gonna work out, or you're gonna like me, or I'm gonna like you.

I know when to walk away and when I walk away, that is a form of respect. Me saying, you know what? I am a better person without you in my life. It is not a diss on you. It's me saying I respect you enough to know this is not meant to be between us. This you and me. It's not the right connection. Now, I'm not saying the rest of you, but I'm just saying that is also a really important thing to understand and people, when you are aware of who you are in the world and you take yourself and realize how you affect other people, you start to understand the simplest things.

 you don't wanna hurt other people. I don't wanna hurt other people. I don't wanna be a burden to other people. I don't want other people to fear me or to hate me or to, and sometimes that means I need to just disconnect and that's okay. That's also a form of having good etiquette, manners, and understanding who you are in the world.

This is one of my favorites, knowing when silence is the best option. Um, I feel like some people don't understand that sometimes it's okay not to say a word. Sometimes it's okay just to be quiet. You don't have to be involved in every single argument. Sometimes you don't have to step away. You can stay in the presence of it, but you also don't have to say anything.

You know what I mean? In the same respects, you need to know when it's time to say something and to stand up for something. Right. Again, who are you in relation to? Everybody else in the world or in this room, or in the grocery store or in the office, right. Our places that we always talk about on the show.

Who are you and how do you connect to other people? So it matters. You need to know when to walk away and when to stand for something. All of that is etiquette and good manners and character. Okay. So manners aren't about being proper all the time, and it's not about being prim and, uh, perfection.

That's not what manners are all about. Manners are about simply saying, I see you, I know that I exist in the world with you. Manners are a way of saying that you matter, and that this space that we share together is something that I'm acknowledging and that I know. When I do something, it affects other people.

And so I want to acknowledge that we are in this together, that is what manners are. I think it's also to remember, and this one is a good one, that when you are teaching your children these manners, I see this all the time, you know, make sure you say thank you. Make sure you say please, you see parents do this and then they are the ones that are violating.

Um, that are violating the whole idea of what manners are about by doing things like texting while they're standing in front of the cashier, for example. You know, or being on the phone, uh, you know, when someone's trying to talk to them. Oh, I'm so busy, I'm sorry. Right? So. You are teaching your children by your behavior instead of actually following the same advice that you keep telling them.

If, if you are gonna try to teach your children to say thank you and please, and excuse me, and I'm sorry, then you should be doing the same exact thing as well, and you should be doing like at a stellar level, right? Because you understand what it actually means and why it's absolutely so important. And at the end of the day, I think why this subject became such a big deal for me in the past few weeks is I think a lot of what's happening in the world has a lot to do with us not being considerate of each other.

And look at, I'm not saying a thank you or a please, or a, excuse me, or I'm sorry, um, is going to change the world order. But I will tell you this, it really would help if people would start thinking about how they affect other people in the world on a regular basis. If we could start understanding and having consideration of other people who are around us and start having empathy and start having compassion again.

That's why this matters so much. It starts with a small little thing. So the next time you're in the grocery store, do me a favor. If you're gonna cut in front of somebody because you're trying to get past them and they're looking on the shelving, just say, excuse me. See how much it hurts you to do it and see how it might affect someone else.

It's such a simple thing, but it's always a simple things that can actually change the world.

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for stopping by. I appreciate it. And remember, at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Bye. Thanks for stopping by all about the joy. Be better and stay beautiful folks. Have a sweet day.