Joy vs. Happiness: Why Chasing Sparks Isn’t Enough

What if the feeling you’re chasing isn’t meant to be chased at all? Carmen shares why happiness is a spark and joy is a lighthouse, and how learning the difference changed her life. From a tender childhood memory - horseback riding boots -  that cut into the back of her knees while her heart soared - to a recent doctor visit that spiraled into anger, she shows how accessing joy can steady your breath, shift your perspective, and help you move forward when everything feels heavy.

We talk about happiness as external and fleeting: bonuses, sunny walks, a favorite song that hits just right. Then we pivot to joy as internal, durable, and trainable - an inner practice built on stored memories of being loved, seen, and worthy. You’ll hear practical ways to build a “joy library,” from saving three anchoring memories to keeping a playlist ready for emotional first aid. Carmen also digs into negativity bias, why we rubberneck at wreckage, and how to flip that reflex so your attention feeds what you want more of.

Boundaries play a starring role. Protecting joy means becoming more selective with people and inputs, not as a wall but as a welcome mat for the right ones. As you curate relationships that amplify your peace, you create space for new light to enter. The goal isn’t to erase sadness or cling to happiness. It’s to trust that both pass - and to practice the skill that outlives every mood: joy.

If this conversation helped you see a way through, share it with a friend who needs the reminder. Subscribe for more grounded, practical tools, and leave a review to tell us your favorite joy memory - we’d love to hear it!  

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.

Chapters

• 0:00 Framing The Big Question
• 0:19 Happiness Versus Joy Defined
• 1:31 Song Memories And Overthinking
• 1:40 The Parade Boots Story
• 6:05 Distilling Happiness And Joy
• 7:55 Accessing Joy In Hard Moments
• 10:00 The Doctor Visit Spiral
• 12:05 Joy As Perspective And Skill
• 14:05 Our Pull Toward Negativity
• 16:20 Training Joy With Music And Memory
• 19:05 Boundaries That Protect Joy
• 21:10 Curating People And Moments
• 22:20 Fleeting Feelings, Durable Joy
• 24:00 The Gift She Wants To Give

Transcript

Carmen Lezeth: 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome to All About the Joy. This is Carmen Talk, and I'm Carmen Lisette, your host. Here's a question I want to ask you. If there was one thing that you could share with the world that you think would make the world a better place, what would it be? Right. It's a tough question, but it's something that was asked of me recently, and I immediately answered that it would be teaching people the difference between happiness and joy and why it matters. And it's so weird because I figured this out a long time ago for a lot of different reasons, but I'm very analytical. So I always overly analyze everything, and I don't know where that comes from. But do you remember that song, Joy and Pain and Sunshine and Rain? Remember that song? Um, and I always used to sing the other verse of that, which is actually not part of the song, but I think I heard it in church somewhere. Um, but I used to always say, Joy and pain and sunshine and rain, sing it, all God's children, joy, which actually is not part of the song, but you know, our memory, our memory does this amazing thing. But that song, I remember being like, I don't know, do I believe that? Do I think, you know, pain and rain, like I love the rain, you know? And I remember just overly analyzing and then thinking about joy really deeply. I've never really shared this, but there's a story in my first book, Canela, which is a story about my mom taking me on a trip on a bus to all these different towns because she was surprising me with the one thing I ever wanted at that time as a little kid. Um, I was put in the local church band, which is we would march in parades. And I remember when I was real little, I used to hold the banner at the front of the parade. And everybody, all of the older kids, all of the older people that were marching, all had quote unquote marching boots. But marching boots, especially in the color guard, which are the people who carry the flags and rifles and sabers, and they do more of the choreographed part of the parade. You usually see them at the beginning. Um, all of them had real boots for marching. And at the time I didn't know what they were, but they're they are horseback riding boots. And at least back then, that's what we were wearing. And I couldn't afford them and I didn't have them. And so what they would do, because I I wasn't the only kid, this was kind of a you know, middle class, poor neighborhood. It wasn't like I was the only one, but you'd wear sneakers, and then the parents would put like these kind of pleather uh canvas things on your on your calves. Um I'm sitting here showing you my calves as if you can see me doing this, but um, and there would be like this string that would go underneath your foot in your sneakers, and so it would kind of mimic looking like you were wearing a boot, but you were not, right? You were wearing sneakers and a black pleather thing, a majiggy or whatever. And sometimes we were white. I think when we were younger we wore white. But this story is when we were wearing the black ones, and I I was really kind of um, I was so, you know, I I always knew we were poor. I don't know when I knew I was poor, but I always understood that there were just some things I was never gonna have. And so one day my mom woke me up and um, you know, told me to get dressed or whatever, and we went on all of these different bus rides. Um, and we finally got to our destination, and it was a store where it was just all cowboy boots and all of these boots. And I knew in that moment what was going to happen, I was finally gonna get my horseback riding boots. And there's more to the story in the book about this, but she got me the boots, but we couldn't afford to get them cut. So when this again, this is back then, okay? When you buy horseback riding boots back then, you needed to get them cut because they might have been too long. They hit the back of my knee. Um, but we couldn't afford to get them cut, but I wanted to wear them for the next parade or whatever it was. I remember the back of my knees bleeding because they were cutting into the back of my knees, but I didn't care because I loved them. I was I I don't know. I know everyone has had this experience of wanting something so bad, like maybe at Christmas when you would write to Santa and then you got it. Like I just remembered this moment in time that was um it's still one of my favorite moments when I think about my mom. And I was in the parade and I remember the, you know, I could feel the blood, you know, dripping, not horribly, but on especially I remember it was on my left knee, you know, it was on the back. And the other part that I remember that gives me so much joy is when I remember one of the parents, uh, Mrs. Wall and Mr. Wall, but Mr. Wall took the boots off of me and and then Mrs. Wall was wrapping my leg and cleaning it up or whatever, and they they they ended up getting the boots cut for me, um, so that I could wear them all the time. And I just the reason why I I bring this up is because when you can recall these moments, that's joy, that's that little part of joy that you can always go back and revisit, right? The happiness part was getting the boots, right? It was an external thing that happened. And and that's what I want to try to explain. I always say it on the show, you know, happiness is what happens to you. I use the example all the time. Like if you get a bonus at work that you weren't expecting, you're gonna feel happy, right? If uh you eat a piece of chocolate cake, if that's your jam, you know, it makes you feel happy initially, you know, and and and then of course we dread it because we know the calories or whatever. I don't know. I don't, but a lot of people do. There are a lot of things that happen to us, right? That happened there external. And it's even like taking a walk on the beach and just feeling the air, you know, on your face, you know, when you're taking that walk, you're like, wow, this is so beautiful. That's happiness. It's it's something that happens in the moment and it's happening to you. The easiest way I could explain joy is this ability to not just remember that feeling, but to dig for it, to find it when you need it most, right? When you're feeling sad, when you're feeling like life is so hard, when you're feeling like things are just not working out, instead of digging the hole deeper, instead of going into that horrible, sad place, if you can find your way out of it. And remembering some of those moments, remembering what it feels like, that to me is part of what joy is. Joy is the ability to find within yourself that moment that can give you perspective and possibility and the silver lining and the light at the end of the tunnel. And I, if there was one gift I could give everyone that I know, or everyone on the planet, is to not always feel like everything is negative and everything is bad and that the world is horrible and that your circumstance is dire and nothing is ever going to fix it. Like those things may be true to a certain extent, but we can always find, even in the worst of moments, a way to see the light, a way to see a way out. And that to me is about accessing joy. It's about accessing a moment that can take you out of what you're going through in that moment. So it look it, it's not about denying the circumstance you're in. It's not about being like, oh, you know what? I don't care, I can't pay my bills, whatever. I'm just gonna sit here and be in joy. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying sometimes when we're in a bad space, it's so much easier to keep staying in that bad space because we don't know how to get out. And sometimes when you can remember a moment, you know what? I might do it this way. Have you ever been feeling really, really sad? And then some song comes on the radio and you're like, oh my God, I remember this song, it's so good. And you just start to feel good, it's kind of that same thing. It doesn't mean that whatever was going on is now no longer an issue. It doesn't mean that whatever is happening is now fixed. But when you can change your spirit that way, when you can turn around and be like, oh my God, this song is so good, that's also being able to access joy. Now I know the music is making you feel happy, right? It's it's an external thing. The joy is being able to find a way out. You can also, without having external things, music come into your way to make you happy in that moment, you can also access joy from within. I was explaining to someone the other day that I was just really having a hard time after I had gone and met with my doctor. You know, they had told me things that I wasn't happy about, right? You know, health-wise, I've been really trying to get back on track. And it just, you know, as she was explaining things to me or whatever, then I was finding myself getting really upset. And when I left, I got in my car and I tried to take like, you know, a few breaths and tried to like clear my mind. And I was just so angry on so many levels because I started thinking about why is health insurance like this? Why is, I mean, besides the fact that I have some actual physical issues I have to deal with, like most people, I was also upset about the fact that I couldn't have the conversation with the doctor. And I was getting more and more mad because you have to schedule a different visit if you're going to talk about something else, which means a different co-payment. You know, like so. I started, you see, I'm starting to go down that rabbit hole because now I'm I'm upset about everything. So I'm in my car and I was like, and I started thinking about my mom, and I started thinking about my horseback riding boots for the parade, and I started thinking about the parents who turned around and did so much for me when I was a kid, who stepped in so many times when um I needed them, especially after my mom passed away, those same people. Um, and I started thinking, like, oh my God, I'm so blessed. I wish more people understood the power of joy, the power of being able to remember things that are more important than whatever the thing is you're going through in the moment. Because here's the thing about sadness that people don't understand and happiness, they're fleeting. They are going to happen. And one doesn't exist without the other, right? Sadness is something that we're all going to experience in one way, shape, or form or the other, whether it's someone passing away or some type of disappointment, or right? This is the journey we're on as human beings. We are walking a path and there are going to be highs and lows. And then we're going to have these moments of happiness that, oh, okay, great, you know, a new baby is born, or, you know, I did get that advancement and a new job position or whatever. Like there were going to be these moments where we have highs and lows, happiness and sadness. But the real trick of it all for me, and it's not a trick, it's just a skill, is it's not just that I want my life to be content like this all the time, because if it was, it would be kind of boring after a while, right? But how do I deal with every single thing that happens along the way? How do I find ways to deal with the lows, the parts that are painful, the parts that are hard, so that I can get back up here so I can keep enjoying more of this life of mine and have a more consistent pathway that has more moments of joy and happiness than sadness and despair. Because the thing that's interesting is, and I this part I don't understand. I don't know what it is about the human species that we revel. I don't know if that's the right word, but we revel in pain. And and I know everyone's gonna be like, I don't. Yeah, you know what? Here's the thing. I feel like we're predisposed to wanting to maybe help or see what's going on, or I don't know, but like think about a car accident. If there's a car accident and you're driving along, the reason why you end up having traffic isn't because people are going their normal, whatever. They're slowing down. This is, and I'm not talking about they're slowing down to go around the accident. You know what I'm talking about. Most people are watching the accident, right? It's kind of like when something bad happens, people are like now using their phones to videotape it. I mean, and sometimes I'm grateful that people do that, but we don't always understand why we're so fixated on the negativity, the sadness, the violence, the accident or whatever, right? Whereas things that are joyful and beautiful and wonderful, we kind of don't pay that much attention to them. We we kind of just let them go. I mean, we're like, oh yeah, that was great. And then we just move along and we want whatever's next. I mean, in that sense, I feel like human beings are pretty remarkable. The reason why we've made so many advancements is because we're never satisfied. Like there's good and bad to that, right? We're never satisfied in any way, shape, or form with what is. We want what's next. That doesn't mean we're greedy. It doesn't mean we're, it means we're human. This is why we've made so many technological advancements and medical advancements. And, you know, I mean, I love humans. I think humans are amazing. I think what makes me sad is watching the breakdown of humans so easily because they don't understand that life doesn't need to be so negative. It doesn't need to be so sad all the time. Life has its ebbs and flows, but you have the ability to have the best life anyway. Like you have the ability to grab joy over holding on to sadness and despair. You have that choice. And I already said it earlier. Some of the ways to start training yourself to feel this, to understand it, is, you know, like music's an easy one. When you're feeling sad, when you're feeling like, you know, you thought you were gonna be able to do something, but you didn't quite qualify, or you got rejected, or whatever. You went out on a date and you really liked the guy and he told you, you know, he wasn't interested in you, whatever it is, whatever it is, you know, or maybe you were gonna run a race and you came in fifth and you thought you were gonna win it. Whatever it is. Um, one of the ways you can start to train yourself to focus on joy or focus on getting yourself out of the sadness is do a simple thing and start having music available to you right away. When you start feeling sad, and this is not to deny the sadness, you can have the cry, you can have the moment, but you all know when you're way too sad and you're digging the hole deeper. We do know, you do know when enough's enough, but you're still there. And then you start to get angry, and then you start blaming other people, and then you start going to you know what I'm talking about. But if you could turn around and even do something as simple as putting on a song that you love that has always made you feel good, and have that available to you immediately, that might be a way to start getting you into that space. For me, I have a lot of different memories that I put in my first book, Canela, that I sometimes go to in my head because I remember what it felt like to be loved. I remember what it felt like to be nurtured. I remember what it felt like to be accepted. I remember what it felt like to be thought of as worthy. I remember what it feels like to be considered. And I have all of these moments, right? I have all of these moments stored away so that when something happens and I'm miserable or sad, I can find my way out of it. I can trigger one of those moments instead of going down the spiral of that rabbit hole where I start to have more resentment and anger, and I find more things to be upset about and who to blame and who to. I wish I wish that people could feel what it feels like to be a little bit more joyful every day. This is why I named my show All About the Joy. This is why my company, this is one of the companies that I love and that I, you know, have the trademark on, and all about the joy is the thread that is my life. It is how I got through every single circumstance that was put in front of me, and it continues to be what I do today. I get angry, I get upset with people, I get disappointed in people, but the reason why it's so, I guess, easy for me to walk away from people is because you also start to understand when you are a person that accesses joy and understands how joy works, you don't want anyone to interfere with that. So you put up these boundaries, you put up these blocks, and it just happens accidentally or it happens because of it. It's like a side benefit of understanding how joy is such a powerful, intuitive, you know, human instinct that you can develop as a skill. It stops people from coming into your life that are actually not supposed to be there because they're not worthy. And I know that sounds really mean, but it's like if someone is invading your ability to have joy, you're not gonna want them there anymore. They can either find a way to have joy in their lives too, or they just get pushed out. And so people interpret my ability to walk away from people as like, wow, she's so hard, she's so mean, she's like. It's not even that. It's just the protective space that I have been able to create around myself, it's not isolating, but it is very selective, right? It is very selective, and it's so rich in the people that are in my life. And I have said this before too, and I know people don't believe me, but when you are able to get toxicity out of your life, other light, other love, other beauty, other people show up. The people that are supposed to be in your life in that moment in time are there. And they understand and respect your joy, and they actually add to your joy and they add to more of those memories, right? All of my memories of joy are not just from when I was a kid and from that one story about the boots and my mom and Mr. and Mrs. Wall and all the other things that happened back then. There are also moments of joy that I now have because I have such beautiful, wonderful friends in my life, because I have such beautiful, wonderful people in my life now that it's almost like you're curating your life and the people who are gonna be in it. And look at this also, I know can sound like, okay, and so like I have all these friends, and that's not what I'm saying. You don't have to have a lot of friends, but you don't want to have a lot of bad people in your life just to say you have a lot of friends. You know what I mean? Like if you have one friend you can count on, one family member that you know will be there for you, you are one of the wealthiest people on the planet because I know so many people who don't have that. And by the way, I've not always been in this position. This has been something that has built over time my ability. And it starts with understanding seriously the difference between happiness and joy. Because here's the thing about happiness. Once you know what happiness is, you don't invest in it too much. Like, okay, I got a bonus, great. Woo-hoo, I'm so excited, that's wonderful. And I move on, right? Because happiness is fleeting. You start to realize, and then what you learn, sadness is also fleeting. You understand, like, oh my God, I'm so heartbroken right now, I'm sad, whatever. This was a terrible thing that happened, but it doesn't eat at you. It doesn't take the rest of your being to understand it. You're like, this also, you've heard the term, this too shall pass. That's what that's about. But it also happens with happiness. But joy, joy is a skill. Joy is a thing you can access. You can learn to get so good at it that no matter what is happening in your life, you can take a real breath. You can turn around and find the light in it, you can find the possibility in it, you can find the joy in all of the darkness that you're going through to pull yourself out and to move forward anyway. And that's kind of what I wish I could help so many people with. It's what I wish most people would understand. I think that's been my superpower my entire life. It's not, I don't have a lot of money. I don't have a ridiculous amount of friends. I don't have what everyone, there's so many people make assumptions about who I am, but what you are actually seeing is a person who lives by joy. So that's the gift I would want to give everyone. If I could wrap it up in a package and hand it out, I would. I think it's probably one of the greatest things that I have ever learned or that I ever understood about life. It's one of the things I'm solid about. And I just wish everyone else would figure out how to access joy more often. I really do. Thanks everyone for watching. I really appreciate it. And remember, at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Have a lovely and wonderful day, and we'll see you next time. Thanks for stopping by, All About the Joy. Be better and stay beautiful, folks. Have a sweet day.