How to Forgive Those You Love
What was the last significant conflict you had with your mate? It might have been three years ago, last Spring, or fifty minutes ago. Hold that one incident in your mind.
Forgiveness is tough. After a talk I gave in Michigan, a lady approached me. “That was a great talk on forgiveness, but I have a difficult situation. I really can’t get over it. I can’t forgive my mother-in-law.” I said, “What happened?”
“Well, on the day we got married seventeen years ago, in the reception line we shook hands with everyone. Some friends of my husband’s parents came by and after we were introduced, they walked over to my new in-laws. I could hear their conversation.” After a sigh, she continued. “The friend said, ‘She seems like such a lovely girl,’ and my mother-in-law replied, ‘Well, she’s certainly not who we would have chosen for him!’” I haven’t spoken to her since.
Seventeen years. That that was a horrible thing to say. It’s also awful to not forgive after all that time. Think of all the work not forgiving would take. She had to plan her holidays around ignoring her mother-in-law. She’d have to figure out when not to answer the phone because it might be her. Perhaps you aren’t in a situation that drastic, but forgiveness challenges everyone.
3 Reasons Forgiveness is Difficult
First, we’re selfish, unloving, dependent people. That’s the old nature with which we’re born. Little children display selfishness. Their worlds center around them. We see that in our grandchildren. They may be the cutest kids in the world. But if Susy plays out in the sandbox and little Buford dumps sand on her head, she will say, “I wish you were dead.”
You come running out and say, “Now, Susy, you didn’t mean that.” She insists, “I do too.” If you’re children are different, it’s because they’ve learned that.
As adults, we still have that old nature inside us. We’re basically selfish and don’t want to let others off the hook. We want everything to center around us and they’ve destroyed something in our world. And we’re not quick to forgive.
Second, something precious has been taken away. Trust has been shattered or destroyed. You trusted them to behave in a certain way and they didn’t.
Third, sometimes in marriage a spiritual bond has been broken. That’s why Jesus said, “The two shall become one flesh.”
“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6).
He meant that you could separate, but no one should. Some things happen that rip apart that oneness, that bond.
Fourth, forgiveness doesn’t happen quickly nor change everything instantly. It’s often a process. If saying, “I forgive you,” changed them, throwing off all their bad habits, making them perfect so they never did bad stuff again, forgiveness would be much easier. But it doesn’t always change things quickly. Nor does offering forgiveness change everything. So, we’re hesitant. Yet we must do it.
WHY WE NEED TO BE FORGIVING PEOPLE
We must forgive for the offender’s sake. In a marriage, it’s for your mate’s sake. God has given you and me unlimited forgiveness. We keep blowing it, making mistakes. He gives us new chances to start all over again, to get right with God. Others need that opportunity too.
We need to forgive for our own sake. Lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness which destroys us. Think of the lady mentioned above who didn’t forgive her mother-in-law for seventeen years. Who do you think has been hurt most? I’m not sure, but it’s at least even.
We should forgive for the gospel’s sake. We’re commanded to forgive. It’s our duty. The Scriptures say we have to do it, whether we feel like it or not. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
We must forgive for our witness’ sake. If it’s your desire to share your faith, tell others about Jesus Christ, then forgive. If it’s your purpose to share your faith with your neighbors and friends, lack of forgiveness weakens your witness completely.
We must also forgive for other people’s sake. Those on the periphery suffer too. If a spouse isn’t forgiven, how does that affect the children, their health, at school, relationships to you and other kids? Unforgiveness affects more than you and the offender.
WHAT TO REMEMBER
Consider these facts about forgiveness.
Fact 1 – forgiveness does not always require confession and repentance first. Sometimes we wait to forgive until they come to us and ask for it. We want them to come and say, “I’ll never, ever do that again.” Of course, that would be ideal. We long to hear, “I was wrong and I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” But you don’t have to wait for that in order to be a forgiving person.
On minor offenses, it’s a bit easier to overlook them. If a neighbor backs out of his driveway and doesn’t see you, but you have to swerve and hit a garbage can to miss him, that might not be hard to forgive without accosting him. But we can forgive big things before a confession too.
Jesus looked down at the Roman soldiers around the cross and prayed, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
These people never once looked up at Jesus and said, “I’m sorry for crucifying you. We will never, ever let something like this happen again.” As far as we know, they had no remorse in their hearts. Yet, Jesus offered them forgiveness. There are times in your life when you can offer forgiveness before it’s even asked for.
Fact 2 – some offenses require repeated forgiveness.
Jesus’ disciples ask if they must forgive seven times, the common rule of the day, to which He replies, “Up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21,22). He meant they should go on forgiving.
Suppose you’ve got a sore toe, one that’s sprained or broken, and you’re on the sidewalk visiting with people. And a kid comes down the sidewalk on a skateboard. You step back to let him pass by and he sways a bit and about loses balance, then straightens and rides right over your bad toe. Crunch! And you’re hopping around, tears running down your cheeks, and he runs over to apologize, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And you say with gritted teeth, “It’s all right.” And he goes on his way.
You keep talking while watching the kid. He circles around and gets back on the sidewalk headed your way again. You back way off the sidewalk, but he manages to strike your toe once more. He hops right off with great chagrin and repeats his mantra, “I’m so sorry.” This time when the kid wheels away, you stare at him as he makes a wider loop and lands on the same sidewalk towards your direction. This time you go behind a fence in the flower beds. The kid hits the curve, flies up in the air, and though you jump out of the way he lands headfirst on your sore toe. Now, you’re screaming for 9-1-1. And he still says, “I’m sorry! Would you forgive me?”
Jesus said, “Forgive 490 times!” That pesky kid - that’s what He’s talking about. And that brings up a lot of questions. Perhaps you get steel-capped shoes or move to a different location. There may be some responses that prevent being continually hurt.
Fact 3 – forgiveness begins in the heart. Jesus said, “So shall my heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).
We tend to compartmentalize our affections. We believe we have just so much of each affection. Once we use it up, it’s gone. We say things like, “I just don’t have any love left for him anymore.” It’s as if we only have 900 bits of love and when we use them up, that’s it. We also say, “I have run out of and lost all hope.” And it’s the same with forgiveness. “I can’t find forgiveness for her/him anymore.”
Jesus said forgiveness begins in the heart. That means as long as you’ve got a heart, you have the capacity to forgive. You can generate the forgiveness needed for this next situation. Forgiveness begins with a decision of the will. You decide whether to forgive or not. You don’t wait for the feeling to click on like a forgiveness light. Just like you decide who you will love.
Fact 4 – forgiveness is very tough but it’s worth the work. Life without forgiveness is a miserable condition. You know that. If you have someone you can’t forgive, you know how wretched that has made you. If someone you know can’t forgive you, that’s distressing too. You may wish you could go back before that inciting event happened for a do-over. Everything was right between you.
One last caution. Sometimes we live with the pain of only a partially forgiven relationship. That is, you and I can do everything on our part, but it takes two to mend a relationship. Perhaps we offered forgiveness and they refused to accept it. We confess our faults and sins, and we change our ways and they don’t give us mercy or pardon. That may be required of us.
HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE?
1.) Seek God’s help.
True forgiveness takes divine assistance. If you can forgive without seeking God or down on your knees in prayer, it’s probably an insignificant thing. Real breaks in relationships require God’s help. You may feel overwhelmed. How can I ever forgive them or work this through? You may come to the point where you don’t want to forgive them.
We pray about all kinds of things. Quick prayers go up in heavy traffic or school meetings or grace with the family around the dinner table. When you go to God in serious prayer, such as a need for forgiveness in a marriage or for a close friend, you need to be by yourself for a good amount of time.
What do you do in that kind of prayer time? Here’s some suggestions.
~~ Ask God to reveal in you any sin or offense of your own that might have caused that other person to act the way they did. That’s being honest before God. They did something, behaved in such a way that requires your forgiveness. They may have broken trust or a vow. Did you set them up in some way?
~~ Ask God if there’s any sin in your life that prevents you from forgiving them. Perhaps it’s spiritual pride. You want to be superior. “I was the one offended. I didn’t fall or sin. I didn’t violate the Scriptures. They did. Their faith is weak. Their commitment to Christ isn’t secure. Mine is pure and strong. But if I forgive them, that puts them back on equal ground with me. And I don’t really want that. I like being more spiritual than him/her.”
~~ Ask God for wisdom to understand the why of their behavior. What do they struggle with? Is it self-image, self-worth, social status or something in their background? “Lord, why did they do this?”
~~ Ask God to bring about the best good from the situation. Seek His wisdom to bring the most spiritual benefit out of the consequences. You wonder how you’ll ever have a relationship back as strong as it was. But here’s where it is now. Pray the Lord can build something even better out of it.
One of the great joys of serving God is His ability to take anything, the worse mess ever, and create something good that glorifies Him. The ultimate demonstration of that is the crucifixion of His Son, Jesus. He took the worst act man ever did on earth and turned it around to the best thing that ever happened for you and me. That’s the kind of power God has. And if we’re in a tough situation such as a broken relationship and we don’t know how it’s ever going to work out, begin to pray God will use this to bring about the best spiritual good possible. He can do that, no matter how bad.
2.) Talk to the person about your difficulty to forgive.
Tell them, “I am having a hard time forgiving you.” Let them know the struggle. Here’s some more clues about such a conversation.
~~ Find a time and place conducive to uninterrupted conversation. This might eliminate the checkout line at the supermarket or a commercial break during the TV football game.
~~ Explain exactly the specifics of your trouble in forgiving. Don’t just say, “I don’t like the way you treated me today.” Say instead, “I don’t like how you scolded me in public at the bank about how we’re overdrawn again. You insinuated before all those people that I can neither add nor subtract nor keep track of money.” Give the details.
~~ Don’t use emotion as your weapon. That doesn’t mean don’t be emotional but try to explain yourself with as much reason and compassion as possible. We’re emotional people who cry and laugh, get full of anger or joy, but don’t use those for a weapon. That is, don’t on purpose get emotional so you can manipulate the other’s behavior change.
3.) Give them a chance to respond.
Take time to listen and hear their side of it.
~~ Don’t put answers in his/her mouth. Don’t say, “How come you always come home late? Is it because you like going to that cheap bar on the other side of town? Or you don’t think I’m pretty anymore and you’re chasing some floozy? Or you don’t want to be around the kids?” You’re giving him a multiple-choice answer. Don’t give him ideas or presume the worst.
~~ Allow them time to think about the problem. Remember, you’ve been pondering this for a certain length of time, perhaps six months or more. It’s been bugging you, boiling in you, and you’ve been mulling it over and over. Finally, you sit down and talk about it. Give them at least that long to reply, if needed. Don’t expect them to decide something instantly. That should motivate you and me to act more quickly. “I’ve been thinking about this for three minutes. Now, you get three minutes.” How much easier that works.
The rule in the Bible: “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Settle it before that night.
4.) Plan a course of action on which you can both agree.
Perhaps you’ve already determined a plan for them. And if they’re loving enough to say, “Hey, what would you like for me to do differently?” We have an answer ready. But this step allows finding something mutually acceptable. What can we do together? Or can I do something to change?
~~ If they ask forgiveness, accept it without reservation.
~~ If they refuse to admit any personal blame (i.e. “it’s your problem”), then at least they know what’s bothering you and how you intend to handle it on your own.
5.) Learn to leave the matter the matter in God’s hands.
This may be the hardest step. You may be playing games, trying to triumph over the other person. Perhaps deep down you like holding things against them. Or we aren’t sure God will do His part. If I turn this over to God, will He really see that person gets what they deserve? Sometimes we’re afraid He might not follow through. God might be more loving, lenient or gracious than we are. You really need to turn it over to the Lord.
We live in a little community of less than 300 people, Winchester, Idaho. Yet we can count dozens of broken relationships where there’s been no forgiveness. It’s the kind of town that if you don’t know what’s going on, nothing is. That’s only multiplied wherever you live. There are broken relationships everywhere with such a need for forgiveness. I think people who can be open, honest, and forgiving will stand out in any community. Believers in Christ ought to be that kind of people.
Forgiveness may be toughest among husbands and wives. Think about the last conflict you experienced as a couple and commit it to the Lord in prayer.
“Lord God, you know I feel inadequate because this subject is so important, so crucial and vital. You know how lack of forgiveness is so devastating, destroying relationships, families and marriages. Father, of all the qualities Jesus had, forgiveness is one of the toughest for us to copy. Yet you ask us to do just that. So, Lord, we like to think back to that last significant conflict. Some aren’t all that big a deal. But others face big, black clouds. We want to work on all of those. We want to begin that process of forgiveness right now in honesty and prayer before You. So, Father, we come before you and admit we’re not perfect and we have many faults to overcome. Show us in this last conflict some behavior pattern they react to, that irritates, something we’re doing wrong. Show us, Lord. We pray too you’ll show us something in our lives that keeps us from forgiving. Maybe we don’t really want to forgive. We’re afraid to forgive because that might be a signal for them to continue in sin. So, we hold back. If that’s our case, reveal to us our own failure. Continue to help us understand our mates, family members, and close friends. We’re still learning new things. We’re realize this is a separate person you created, one for whom Jesus died, but we don’t know everything about them. Help us understand why they act the way they do. Lord, help us be patient as we’re learning. And Father we commit this conflict to you and ask you build a spiritual good out of it. In Jesus Name, Amen.”
Stephen Bly
Copyright©1993
Recorded at Cannon Beach Conference Center Marriage Retreat, Cannon Beach, Oregon