Quick Ways to Impress Your Mate & Pet Peeves

FAMILY, Season 3, Episode 2, "Quick Ways to Impress Your Mate" and "How to Cushion Pet Peeves" audio podcast by award-winning western author Stephen Bly and Janet Chester Bly. Recorded at Warm Beach Couples Retreat, Stanwood, Washington, 1992. Sponsored by BlyBooks.com Legacy Series. 
"Quick Ways to Improve Your Marriage" by Stephen Bly blog post article here: https://www.blybooks.com/2022/12/quick-ways-to-improve-marriage/
"How to Cushion Pet Peeves" by Janet Chester Bly blog post article here:  https://www.blybooks.com/2022/12/how-to-cushion-pet-peeves/
"The Gap Principle" by Stephen Bly blog post article here: https://www.blybooks.com/2021/07/the-gap-principle/

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Transcript

Part 1: 5 Quick Ways to Impress Your Mate
Stephen Bly 

For both a husband and a wife, here’s some of my ideas that maybe will stir up more of your own too.  

Ways to Impress Your Wife 

These easy, quick tips will really impress her.  

1. Next time you’re in the presence of her mother with your wife, speak to your mother-in-law loud enough for everyone to hear, “Have I told you recently how I really, really love your daughter?” A verbal way to say “I love you” in a new way.

2. Save up some money, stick it in an envelope, and hand it your wife. Tell her to go spend it and to not come back until she bought something for herself. Stick on a table and just leave it for her. 

3. Complete one half-done job. If you need a suggestion, ask your wife. She’s sure to point one out. 

4. Take a blank calendar and once a month cross off an evening as Ladies Night. That means you are available for whatever she plans—whether going out or cleaning the garage. She chooses the activity and that’s your commitment. 

5. The next meeting the two of you attend, get there ten to fifteen minutes early. Likely no one will be there, so park and neck. You’d be surprised how much privacy you have ten minutes early to a meeting. This says “I love you” with a touch. 

And here’s a bonus a friend told me about …

6. For your anniversary this year, among the other gifts you buy, buy one rose (not twelve) with a little card. Then, a month later, give her another rose. And the following month, another. Keep going until you’ve given her twelve roses. Each month you tell her how important that anniversary is to you. And you’ll never forget your anniversary either.  

Ways to Impress Your Husband 

1. Once a week, grab him, and kiss him on the lips in public. That could be in front of your garage or at K-Mart. 

2. Embarrass him at least once a year with a gift. For instance, out of the blue you or someone you hire could dress up like a clown with balloons, carry a gumball machine, and sing a jingle to him at work. 

3. Dig out an old pair of boots of his, scrub them up clean, buff them nice, then return them to the closet without saying a word. He’s going to find those and be amazed. “I never knew those boots were brown,” he’ll say.

4. At least once or twice a year, make sure the children are gone for the night before he comes home. Just you and him for the evening. 

5. Talk positive things about him at the beauty parlor. Tell what a great guy you’re married to. It will stop conversation dead as they all want to listen.  

Ways to impress your mate aren’t always complicated, expensive, or time consuming. But there are ways to continue to say, “I love you.”  

Part 2: How to Cushion Pet Peeves 

Janet Chester Bly 

We admit there are times when not everything is going completely smooth. And there are some minor irritations we face that we call pet peeves.  

Relationships can be very complicated, especially when we get into marriage, the ultimate invasion of privacy. We realized that more intensely when we moved to Idaho four years ago and began to have a 24/7 relationship. Before that, he had his pastoral duties, and I did my projects and routines. and we only had a few hours together every day.   

Now, we were writing at the house full-time. There was never a time when we were away from each other. And until two years ago, we shared an office. Then, Steve kicked me out. Why did he do that? I think it was in order to save our relationship.  

We began to realize that as we worked together in the same room, as well as living together every moment of the day and night, certain things began to creep in. Irritations popped up. For one thing, he likes to listen to music while working at the computer. I prefer silence when I’m working. So, he got headphones and that worked fine.  

Another thing, during the day he likes exercise. So, he’d get down on the floor with his dumbbell to pump iron. That would interrupt my train of thought. I decided to take a break during those times.  

Then, another problem. My desk faced the window and certain times of the year, the sun shined right through. So, I closed the shades down. But then, the room was too dark for Steve.  

And if I got some marvelous ideas or scenes for my writing, I tended to blurt it out right then and want to talk about it. But Steve might be in the middle of a key sentence or thought of his own. Sometimes he would do the same to me.  

Plus, there were the snacks. He’d climb downstairs with an apple and crunch, crunch, crunch.  

We began to talk little by little about how nice it would be if we had separate offices. He told me the many ways it would be to my benefit if I had an office all to myself. One day we realized we didn’t use the guest room next door all that much. We had two guest rooms and didn’t need them both. So, we converted that room to my office.  

A few months after that, I discovered the real reason I had been moved out of the big office. Soon, where my desk had been, appeared a nice, slate bottom pool table.  

Think of some questions that come up in working through relationships. For instance, fill in the blanks. 

I could never live with someone who ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­______________.

I can’t stand it when somebody ___________________.

I’m pretty calm most of the time, but ______________ drives me up a wall.  

In relationships, we have problems with our pet peeves, prejudices, and other touchy irritations. And what can we do about it? The closer we get to someone, the more time we spend with them, the more chance we run into these irritations.  

We need to learn how to put a cushion in our relationships.  

1 Corinthians 13:4,5 – “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.” 

When we face pet peeves, it’s tempting to keep a record of wrongs and to tend to think of another person as a ghastly mistake because of these problems. 

One of my key verses when I’m having a problem with a person. Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” 

Pet peeves are nothing new. The Bible gives us all kinds of examples, such as Leah and Rachel in Genesis 30:1,2. Jacob fawned over Rachel and Leah tended to boast about her fertility. The irritation between the sisters overflowed to conflict between Jacob and Rachel. They seemed like a loving couple, but she whined and griped about not having children.  

Siblings Miriam and Aaron have another abrasive relationship because of a prejudice against Mrs. Moses. She was of a different race (Numbers 12:1).  

Michal and David (2 Samuel 6:16) faced a real problem in their marriage of an irritating habit. 

“David wearing a linen ephod danced before the Lord with all his might while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the arc of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the arc of the Lord was entering the city of David, Michal, daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.” 

Because he danced out in public, she thought that not a very kingly thing to do. In a very close, intense relationship when you’ve spent a lot of years together, you can grow to despise certain habits of your mate.  

The next example is Martha and Mary in Luke 10. Mary sits before the Lord while Martha works in the kitchen. Martha thinks Mary’s being lazy which makes a tension between them. Jesus must tell Martha that her priorities are out of whack. And pet peeves can reveal that about us too.  

Pet peeves, prejudices, and other irritations can throw otherwise nice people into fits of ill temper, make us very touchy, and carried too far, make us angry enough to kill. 

I remember one day standing in line at a grocery store listening to a conversation between two ladies. They talked about a woman with lung cancer. One of the ladies said, “Didn’t she smoke?” ‘Yes, she did,” the other said. “Well, my sympathy for her just flew out the window.”  

Here was a woman dying of lung cancer and all she could think about was, “Well, it’s her fault because she smoked.” That was a pet peeve and irritation but that shouldn’t override compassion and mercy, our caring for people. In our relationships, we’ve got to try to overcome pet peeves. Some sort of washing out, a cushioning between us and others so we can really love and care, especially with those close to us.  

Several things we can do with a pet peeve.

 1. We can stuff it, try to ignore it. Let it build and build within us.

2. We could blab all the details to our friends. Tell them all the stuff you have to put up with.

3. Walk out and quit the relationship. 

4. Find some space. 

That’s what Steve and I tried to do, find literal space in our relationship by not being so constantly with each other. We each needed our own room in order to keep and protect that precious relationship of husband and wife.  

How do we give one another that kind of space? Here’s some suggestions.  

1. Allow God’s Holy Spirit to intervene.  

Pray down His blessings. Don’t just pray for yourself to be patient, to take this, to do whatever it takes to get over this. Pray first and foremost for the other person, for powerful spiritual blessings, that God will intervene in their life to help them, especially in this area of why they do this dumb, irritating thing.  

When Rachel kept coming to Jacob saying, “Well, I wish I had kids like Leah has.” She whined and whined. What did Jacob do? He griped at her.  

The same thing happened to Isaac when Rebekah kept coming to him over and over. “Why don’t have children?”  What did Isaac do? He prayed for his wife, for her need. She wanted to bear children. Jacob just thought about the griping and whining. But Isaac focused on his wife’s desire.  

When facing irritations from someone close to you, ask why? What is the need behind the pet peeve? In that, you might find the area in which to pray.  

Prayer provides a balm in relationships. It’s part of that cushioning. Prayer can bring that peace. 

2. Allow them to choose their own turf. Give them more than one option.  

Think about Abraham and Lot, who got along fine. However, the most dramatic example of tensions in relationship were eased when an option was given. Lot was allowed to pick the best part of the land when Abraham and Lot’s workers didn’t get along with each other.  

That can happen in a marriage too. You’re getting along fine but there’s some kind of irritation happening around you. Abraham told Lot, “You can settle to the right or to the left. You get first choice.” So, Lot picked the best-looking, most beautiful country, in the area of Sodom and Gomorrah. 

3. Bring a peace offering in a reasoned response. 

Abigail and Nabal had a very interesting marriage. She was beautiful but stuck with a jerk. When she heard David was getting ready to storm their camp and possibly wipe them out, she began to prepare a peace offering. She got all this food and her maids together and I expected her to leave it and run out the back door herself. But no, she brings it to David and speaks with logic as to why he shouldn’t do this vengeance against her foolish husband. She mediates between them.  

Despite the risk to her own life, Abigail knew enough to keep calm in this volatile situation. And she brought David the needed food to appease his anger towards Nabal’s foolish stubbornness. 

4. Do you do something similar?  

Steve had an irritating pet peeve that bothered me. About once a day, he’d lose his keys. Then, he’d storm through the house and let everyone know it. So, no matter what I was doing, I had to stop and help him find his keys or there would be no peace in the house.  

One time while I stewed about this, I stopped to ask myself, “Do I do anything similar?” And I thought, “Well, yes, about once a day I lose my glasses.” And we have to storm and stew until I find them. Now, you’d think I would immediately recognize that, but no. I was very blind to the fact that I lost my glasses every day. But I was very aware that Steve lost his keys daily.  

We humans can be so blind to our own faults while irritated at others. 

5. Always play fair.  

Let them know what and why it bothers you. A lot of times we stuff things and don’t tell others what we’re thinking. We storm around and don’t say, “You chomped your apple in my ear for five minutes and that ticked me.” 

Be fair and let them explain their side. They might have a very good reason. As you understand, you’re able to handle it better. Then, turn it around and say, “Honey, is there anything about me that bothers you? What’s your pet peeve about me? 

6. Practice the find art of gracious under fire.

One way to do that is to look at other gracious people. Watch how they do it. Study other wives and husbands to see how they react. Many times, I’ve watched other couples who get along so well in public and at home. And in my own situation, I’ll ask myself, “What would they do now?” and make them my role model. They may not be good in every area, but shine in something where I need to grow.  

Learn from them. Teach one another in the way that we do life and marriage.  

7. Sometimes we should find the humor in a thing.  

What is truly funny about this? Look for it. 

8. Also, keep your manners.  

Just saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please’, the small courtesies and social graces help to cushion relationships. That can be one of the first things to go when pet peeves dominate. That’s when we take others so for granted, we’re no longer pleasant to them.  

9. Be creative. 

Manage the problem some way. Get out and take a walk. Sometimes I chew gum to help me get over an irritation—the exercise of it, plus it drowns out sounds. Of course, my chewing gum can be a pet peeve for somebody else. Use ear plugs. 

Find out how other people do it. Suck on a licorice. They say it has a lot of positive benefits for your health, such as a tea. Or listen to nature tapes with the wind and rain and waterfalls, as well as birds and other ocean and forest noises. That can cool you down a bit.  

10. Give your whole marriage space.  

We can get so involved with these things that irritate us. We have to relax and sometimes forget them all. Do something else and let the problems go.  

Make some kind of releasing rule, such as, you can only make one complaint per week. That’s fifty-two per year. Then balance it off with one sincere praise a day. That definitely provides a cushion.  

Right now, think of an irritation, something that’s hard to handle, but you know you should work on. What coping mechanism are you using for this? Is it effective? Is it working? If it’s not, consider some of the above things.  

Are you giving yourself enough space? Are you washing that thing out by either praying down blessings on your mate? By giving them options and letting them choose the very best? Are you asking, “Do I do something similar?” Are you playing fair or being gracious? Or finding a creative alternative? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Stephen Bly closes the marriage retreat session with Filling the Gaps lesson from Nehemiah … the gap principle for imperfections. A gap is the difference between what ought to be and what they are.

See “The Gap Principle” blog here: https://www.blybooks.com/2021/07/the-gap-principle/