Season 13 Episode 2: How to Connect with Your Teen

Master-certified Life Coach Melissa Wiggins is back with real talk with a real teen. @Katie.Kinsfather joins Melissa with five questions to ask if you want to a deeper connection with your teen. Katie also shares how her experience with social media matches the findings in Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, The Anxious Generation. Remember, you can change your life one question at a time. Let’s get started.

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Transcript

Melissa Wiggins (00:07):

Hello, lassies and lads. Welcome to another podcast of Unfollow, Question Everything. I have a very special guest here with me today, but I need to tell you the name of this podcast and what inspired me to do it. The name of this podcast is How to Connect With Your Teenager. And this is a question I get with a lot of my clients. I work with a lot of families and a lot of them have teenagers. And there's often this joke that women are from Mars, men are from Venus. Well, I feel like there's type of the same vibe that goes through life with a teenager, and I have raised a teenage girl, but I'm about to raise a teenage boy and I also have multiple twins. And so I thought I need to get an expert on the podcast. Who is number one a teenager?

(00:58):

That's who the expert has to be because that is who we're trying to connect to and that's what we're trying to figure out. So in this particular episode, what we're going to do is we're going to have some questions that we think that you could be asking yourself as a parent and also some questions that you might want to ask your team. So how to connect with your teenager. I want to invite my amazing friend. I have mentored her, I have coached her. We have a beautiful story of how we met. She has also become a friend over the years and I'm just so grateful for her in my life, my life. I always say she's not a regular teenager, but she might disagree with that. I don't know. But we're here to talk and help you guys. We actually said a little prayer before we got on today because we really want this podcast to be very helpful.

(01:48):

For me, family life is really the most important thing. It's my biggest core value, and I believe a big part of that is how to connect with the people that are in your family. And one of the things that we have spoke a lot about in prepping for this podcast is what are some of the challenges that come up with teenagers? What are some of the things that they're facing that we might not understand and how can we understand it better? So without further ado, I would like to invite Katie who is going to come in here and tell us her full name because I'm probably going to botch how to say it. Katie is from Texas, so she's a Texas girl, but we're trying to get her to move to Florida, so let's see if we can make it happen. And why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Katie, and then we'll get started.

Katie Kinsfather (02:40):

Yes. I'm Katie Kinsfather. I'm 18. I live in Texas. I have family of seven, so I have four older brothers and then my parents. So my parents have raised a lot of teenagers. I'm the youngest and yeah, I'm a dance teacher. I nanny, we work for family business with my dad. And then yeah, I would love to move to Florida, though. Florida's the goal.

Melissa Wiggins (03:04):

 Well, we're all about making goals happen in this podcast. So, the goal is going to be to how do we connect with our teenagers? And I know that you have done a lot of work prepping for this podcast, which doesn't surprise me because that is your nature, but you've spoken to your mom who's raised many teenagers, love you, Ms. Kim, and spoke to your mom and sort of had some of those things. What happened when you started talking to your mom about that you were coming on the podcast and you were going to be asking some of these questions because I heard a little bit of some of your conversations and it was so adorable, but did anything come up for either of you that allowed you to just sort of a space to ask some questions.

Katie Kinsfather (03:46):

Yeah, definitely. Whenever I asked her questions that she would recommend parents asking themselves while they're raising teens, it was really interesting because they were good conversation starters for her and I to talk about and our relationship and how that goes into our relationship. And it started really good conversations between us and how we've grown our relationship.

Melissa Wiggins (04:41):

For sure. Last Sunday dinner, Katie was here and my husband made this beautiful dinner, chicken, roast, vegetables, all the things and laid it out on the table. And then we heard a scream from the garage and one of my children had a triple hook stuck in his fingers. And for those of you who do not fish, including me, and never knew what a triple hook was, but apparently it's not something you want to have in your finger. And so Katie had to stay with the other kids and my husband and I went in the car to the emergency room where we spent most of the evening trying to retrieve said triple hook from my son's finger and stitched it up nicely and then came home. So, last night was kind of less exciting than that. And actually we played a question game, which we play every time we have Sunday dinner. And we just have these random questions that are in this little box and we have probably about 15 different question sets and each kid picks one and we ask, and it's things like, who do you think is your childhood friend that will be your adult friend one day? And where would you like to live if you could live anywhere?

(05:50):

And it's just getting to know the kids and getting to know each of them differently. And we really have learned a lot about our kids at this family question dinner, so I highly recommend that for those that are listening, it's a great way to connect with your family. But why don't you start with the first question that you think would be helpful for our listeners?

Katie Kinsfather

Okay, yeah. So the first one that I had put down is are you listening more than you're talking to your teen? Because for me personally, I will be so open and vulnerable to my mom whenever she's just a listening ear and I'm not always looking for a response or advice on a certain situation, but I just want to talk about it and get it out of my system because we hold so much in if there's not people listening to us for us to talk about it.

(06:36):

And so my mom has learned over the years that sometimes I just want her to listen more than actually talking through it.

Melissa Wiggins

I love that. It's so good. And I use that in my marriage too, and in relationships in general. I think that is a great rule of thumb, which is are you coming to me for a solution or are you coming to me just because you want to talk? Right? Because most of us who are in relationships, often if we sit down and we go to talk to our husband or our partner a lot of the time, they will want to help us solve the situation. Like, ‘Hey, this thing is happening,’ and then they'll come up with a solution. So, I feel like that's so interesting to hear you say. That also applies in teenage relationship as well. Yes. Listen.

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah, and my mom will ask sometimes, do you want me to give my advice or do you want me to just listen?

Melissa Wiggins(07:31):

So good. I love that because I have a lot of that coming, especially I have a daughter, I'll be putting through her teenage years, three sons that I'm going to put through and when things come up at school or you don't make a team or one of my kids applied to be the safety patrol officer at school and he didn't get it and he was like, ‘I knew I wasn't going to get it. It's only if you're a straight A student that you get it.’ And he didn't have straight A's, and so it was an interesting opportunity to talk it through. But maybe what he needed in that moment was just really to listen and him be annoyed about it. I went straight to solutions, so I have a lot to learn.

(08:17):

So I love that. That's an amazing thing to do. So parents or anyone that gets to influence a teenager really, because then there's many different settings where we get to connect with teenagers. I mean, you're a teacher, you're connecting with teenagers, you're a nanny, you're connecting with teenagers, and then obviously you're one, so not for much longer, but you got a little bit, you got another year and a half to go, so you're almost at the end of it, which is cool because I feel like that's really why you have such an expert mind on this, on what would be helpful because you've almost gone through it. Yeah, it's beautiful. So I love that. Okay, number one, that was amazing. Thank you.

Katie Kinsfather

Okay. The second one that I had come up with is how can we be available when our teams are ready to talk?

(09:02):

And that for me is a really big one because my mom and I, for the first couple of years of me being like 13, 14, 15, really struggled with that because I was always in sports, always dancing, always. I worked from a young age and I was homeschooled, so I was always doing something. And so whenever I did want to talk and my mom was busy during those hours that I was available to talk, that was hard. We couldn't find that time to connect and actually be available for each other. But we've also learned that in the car we have a rule that if we're together, we can either put on music, but we won't be on our phones. So we're there listening to music together. And then if there's not music on and we're both sitting there, we'll start a conversation about our day or whatever and we just find those little slivers of time of where we are available and we make it intentional that we're not on our phones, we're not getting distracted by the family business.

(09:54):

I'm not getting distracted by school. If it's on the way to sports, she'll ask me, what are you excited about for your sport? We are intentional about the time that we do have to spend together.

Melissa Wiggins

That's beautiful. I love that because I'll tell you sometimes, and more so with the boys, it's hard sometimes to get words out of them. One of the ways, the tactics that I got around that was instead of asking them, ‘how was your day? at pickup, we started ranking our days out of 10. So we would rank it and they'd be like, ‘It was a two out of 10’ or ‘It was a 10 out of 10.’ And then I would be like, ‘Oh, why was it a two out of 10? That's unlike, you never usually have two out of 10.’ And they'd be like, ‘Well, this happened or this happened.’

(10:38):

And it's finding what are those ways to get your teens to talk and everybody's different. Are your brothers very different from you in terms of how they communicate or connect with your mom?

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah, we're all very different. One of my brothers has a rule that he can't be asked more than five questions a day. So my mom isn't allowed to ask more than five questions, but in those five questions, he typically talks more than most of us because he loves to talk and he's very open, but he just doesn't like being asked a lot of questions.

Melissa Wiggins

That's so funny because my son, who will be 13 in two months, we talk a lot about college. Cannon has already visited the University of Georgia. His room is the University of Georgia. He's a bulldog through and through. And so he talks about college a lot and he told me already, doesn't make me laugh, that I'm only allowed to call him once a day.

(11:36):

I know. But what is cool about that to me is that one, my child, my teen, specifically feels like they can set a boundary with me, right? 

Katie Kinsfather

Yes.

Melissa Wiggins

They feel there's a relationship there that's strong enough that he knows that I’m not going to be crying or upset or try to change his mind or figure out, well, can we have time a day instead or whatever. I was like, I didn't call my mom once a day when I was in college and I still don't. I'm not someone who talks on the phone a lot because I do it for a living. So I talk all day in my coaching and with my clients, so it's not something that I do all the time. So it's interesting that can and said that, but what are some of the things that you have that are boundaries around communication with your parents?

Katie Kinsfather

We have quite a few, and it's different between each sibling and I.

(12:40):

So for me, my thing is when I get home from anything, since I have my license in a car, typically I like my downtime when I get home from a long day of work or dance for sports or nannying or whatever I'm doing that day, I like a little bit of downtime. So, my parents know the first 10, 15 minutes, typically I sit in my car and they know that's my time. And then when I do go in the house, they know, okay, I'm ready to talk about my day or whatever. And if I'm in the house and I'm in the kitchen and I don't want to talk, it's a very simple, ‘I don't feel like talking right now, but I would love to continue this conversation later.’ We've gotten to a point where we're able to do that with each other. And for the first all bit, that was hard to learn that boundary.

(13:21):

And sometimes it crossed the line of me being a little bit disrespectful and I had to learn that with my mom instead of being like, ‘I don't want to talk right now.’ I had to learn to explain to her I'm not in a place where I want to open up right now. But then later she could come back and then we can have that conversation.

Melissa Wiggings

And I definitely had that with my stepdaughter, Olivia, where when she got in from high school, she was just so beat from the day because the school was hard for her and it was a lot. And so when she got back, the last thing she wanted to do was talk to me and it was just about respecting that she needed that time in her room, she needed that space. And that's kind of what you're talking about is be available when they're ready, not when you're ready because then that just pushes them away.

(14:10):

If Canon comes home from school and he wants to go into his room and chill and then I'm all over him, I'm trying to talk, I'm pushing himaway.

Katie Kinsfather

Yes.

Melissa Wiggins

Yeah. So what is a good way then? Do you think you should just read the room, read the room to know if they're ready to talk, or should that be sort of a conversation you have to say, ‘Hey, when you get home from school, that doesn't seem like it's a good time for you to talk. When is a good time to talk or something?’ 

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah, I think it goes to each child. Yeah, everyone's different. My parents typically just read the room with us, other than we do have set boundaries of my car. Time is my car time. When I get home, they know not to come out to my park unless I'm not there for a very long time.

(14:53):

Sometimes my mom was like, stop listening to your music and come outside. But they know my car time is my car time. My brother, he likes to sit in his room and he gets home from work or school or whatever it is. And so they know he gets his time. But also there's that boundary of my parents knowing that we are still their kids, whether we're 18 or not. And so we don't always get five hours alone in our room. We might get our 30 minutes, but then there's also we need to respect their family time.

Melissa Wiggins

And I love that. I do a lot of boundary work with my family clients. We talk about the boundaries. Hey, does everybody in the family know what the boundaries are? Right? Sometimes we have these unwritten rules, but they're not clear and we dunno when they work or when they don't.

(15:37):

So I love that it's okay for you to come home and be in your room for the first hour, but then I need you to come join the family because I feel like that's something I've struggled with because can Canon just recently bought his own room and trying to figure out what is a good amount of time for him to be there by himself as a teenage boy versus you have to be a part of family stuff. And it's funny with not really, you can not put lots of limits on that and then they'll just want to join them and stop. So again, I think it goes back to what you started with, which is each child is different. Canon is going to be different than what Aaron Green. Yes. And just knowing what that is. Yeah, I love it. Beautiful. What's next?

Katie Kinsfather

Okay, am I being a student of my child?

(16:21):

Do I know their lights dislike and am I showing them love in their love language?

Melissa Wiggins

That's beautiful. So how did you do that with your family? What are some of the, I think my parents worked full time when I was younger, and so it was definitely a lot harder because they weren't always with us and knew all the things that we enjoyed doing and all those kinds of things. But as I got into my teenage years and was in all of my sports and things, it was more important to me with my parents even when I didn't voice it, that I did want them around and them being intentional. I wanted them to know who my friends were and wanted my friends to my parents because our house was the hangout house. And so I wanted my friends to know and love my parents and be comfortable around them.

(17:07):

And also just having my parents at sporting events or school things and having them show interest in it and instead of just going and then leaving, we would go and then if I wanted, I always knew I could go to my parents and be like, can me and my friends go to dinner together or whatever? And even if my parents said no, I knew I could go ask that question and it'd be honest. I love that my kids are, they want me at their days, they want me at their practices. I'm also not allowed to use my phone during those times. They want me to actually watch and that's important to them. And I think I just sort of have to adjust my expectations of what work could be done in the afternoon and try to do more of it. I obviously, I'm an entrepreneur and I set my own schedule, but sort of figuring out from the hours of three until basically 10:00 PM they own me.

(18:05):

I'm available to them in whatever capacity that they meet. And sometimes that means being at practice, but not using my phone.

Katie Kinsfather

Yes. I also think it's important that if you want your kids and your teens to be intentional in family time and not be on devices and texting friends or playing games or whatever, that you show that example whenever you're at the things that they're interested.

Melissa Wiggins

That's such a good point. Ooh, that stings. No, that's so good. Katie, right here we're saying, I want to have family dinner without phones or I want to have family movie night without whatever extra things or you guys not being intentional, but then are we doing that?

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah, that was always my thing. My mom would come to dance practice and we had a lot of conversations about that because we weren't allowed to have our phones on family holidays.

(18:55):

My mom wanted them put up in our rooms or whatever, or at family dinner or whatever it was. My mom didn't want devices like distractions and stuff like that. And so we had to have a lot of conversations like dance is important to me, so I want you to be intentional with it and family time is important to you, so I'll try better to be intentional.

Melissa Wiggins

I love that. I think that's so beautiful. And just another example of open communication. I feel like my children feel like they couldn't really say anything to me. And sometimes it's hurtful. Sometimes I'm like, ow, that really hurt. But I'm also kind of excited internally that you feel like you can say that. The other thing my kids told me that my cooking was trash. No, listen, I don't think trash is the right word that they should use necessarily. That's not my favorite word, but it's also the word of the season right now. Apparently it's a word that everybody uses. This is trash, this is trash that is trash.

(19:59):

Apparently my cooking is trash and Katie's way better at making eggs. But internally, again, I'm like, that's kind of cool that my kids feel like they can tell me that my cooking isn't great. Because I think that I don't want to have a relationship where my kids feel like they can't say something in case they hurt my feelings somehow. I'm not capable of handling their feelings about something. And I think that open communication about that is really, it's really important to me. But on the topic of social media and things like that, a really great book is The Anxious Generation, everyone is reading it right now. It's by Jonathan Haidt and I will link it in the show notes. Oprah had him on her show. He's been on every single podcast you can imagine right now. He's just totally blowing up. And essentially the book is about delaying phones and delaying social media until high school.

(21:03):

And that is my plan.

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah. It's good plan.

Melissa Wiggins

My current plan. I always have the right to change my mind, but currently that is something that my husband and I are really researching and looking into because the anxious generation, you just think about the title of that book. Essentially what it's talking about is this generation of young adults right now have a lot of anxiety and we deal with a lot of things. And a lot of it's because of social pressure. A lot of it's comparison and it's a lot of, oh, you could see what friends are doing things with other friends and you weren't invited or you were invited but your other friend. And it just creates all these things that the older people like me adults struggle with. So how the heck is a teenager supposed to handle that? Can you speak to some of that?

Katie Kinsfather (22:00):

Yeah, it's definitely different For me, I got a phone and social media very young because I have older brothers, and so I kind of followed whatever they did, which my mom and I talked about that a lot, too. Both her and I wish that I would've waited longer, but I definitely wore them down. I was a little pissed about it the entire time because my brothers had it, so I wanted it. But I had a phone at 11. I was also getting dropped off for dance, like 10 hour days at a studio an hour away. So it was a little bit different. And I only had access to text my parents and my siblings. But when I got Instagram I was 12. So that was really young. And that instantly started a comparison thing in my mind. Every time I was on Instagram, it was like I saw my friends on vacation and I wasn't on vacation.

(22:46):

I saw my friends get first overall and I got second. It was just instantly you saw something and you compare yourself to, because when you're so young, that already happens at school or in sports or whatever it is, you're constantly comparing yourself, but also other people are comparing you. But social media just takes it to a different level because it's at your fingers, have access. You are constantly on it, and it just definitely does not put you in the right headspace. At 12 years old or 13 years old, I wish I would've probably waited until 16, 17 have social media.

Melissa Wiggins

And that is what everybody says, which is so beautiful because I actually did a keynote to a beautiful group, an organization that is basically for moms and daughters, moms and their teenage daughters. And I get a keynote for them a month or so ago.

(23:37):

And I interviewed some of the teenagers before I get the, and every single one of them said exactly what you said. They were a little older and they said, I got it at 12. I got at 11. I really wish I hadn't bought it until I was 16, and this was the teenagers telling me this. It wasn't the parents. And the parents have they go through that thing of like, well, I don't want them to not have friends and I don't want them have this and that and that generation that Jonathan Hiadt is essentially trying to get all parents to sign something to say no, together, this next group of parents needs to join in together and say, we're not going to let our kids have social media. We're not going to let them have open access of the phone. And so this is something we've had to talk to Canon about because he always assumed at 13 he would get one. And so it's just sort of that conversation because a lot of the kids do have them and how do you make sure that your kids have good friendships and good relationships when they're the ones that don't?

(24:53):

So it's a very interesting topic and definitely want to do a whole podcast on that topic in particular because it's such a big deal right now. But yeah, I love that you brought that up and I love that we got to talk about it a little bit because I hear the exact same thing with every teenage client that I have that is a part of my family group says the same thing, I wish I wasn't, which I think is so beautiful and so amazing about your generation. As you guys say, we go at this, we asked for it, but we don't think we should’vee got it. Yeah. That's really cool.

Katie Kinsfather

Yeah. Okay, next question. Am I creating an environment that my skin feels comfortable and in advance they can always come to me?

Melissa Wiggins

What is that about?

Katie Kinsfather

I mean, that's pretty much in any aspect they can come to you about anything.

(25:43):

For me, that was what my mom and I had to learn a lot of. I could go to her and not have her judge me. I had to learn that because I felt like if I went to her with something that I did wrong or that I found out about one of my friends that had happened or something like that, that she wasn't going to let me hang out with that friend or I was just going to get parented about it. And so it took me quite a while until the last year to realize I can say those things to her. And it also took her realizing it's not always telling me that I did something wrong… in her parenting. I don't always need to hear that was wrong of you to do. I know it was wrong and I'm coming to you to tell you what I did was wrong versus going to her and her instantly being like, that's wrong.

(26:32):

You shouldn't have done that. It was just me. We had to really learn that I could trust her with that, but she also had to learn for me to know I could trust her. She had to sometimes step back and listen.

Melissa Wiggins

You feel like the environment in terms of the home is a big deal for whether people or teens aree comfortable talking to their parents?

Katie Kinsfather

Yes. Yeah. I think also the relationships that are modeled in the home matter a lot. Yeah. The mom and the dad. Yeah, there's a mom and the dad. Yes. If my parents are in an argument or something that just shows and we've talked about that a lot my parents and I have is if they're not listening to each other or they're arguing that day, that in me shows me, okay, if I go to mom that day, if I go to dad with something that day, it's going to be an argument.

(27:22):

That's what it sets in our brains is because that's what we're being modeled. And so we've had to have a lot of conversations about that too, about what is being shown to us and what's modeled. Because if they're having a sit down conversation listening and finding a solution, then I know I can go to them, have a sit down conversation, find a solution, and get what I need versus it being an argument or just, yeah, you're in the wrong. 

Melissa Wiggins

Yeah, I've talked to my kids about that. And with my families, the way I sort communicate about it is it's not bad to argue. That's the other thing, because I think that there is a sort of societal thing that says we shouldn't argue in front of our kids ever. And my husband and I rarely do in front of our kids, but there have been situations where we have, and what I understand from all of my training is that the most important part of that is the repair and showing the children, showing the teenagers the repair piece.

(28:25):

And so we have apologized to our kids when that's happened. And then we've also talked about we've came up with a solution and we know what we did wrong that time and what we'll do better. And trying to humanize that too, because I don't want my kids to think that parents don't have arguments that's not normal. If you have a good relationship with someone, there should be some points of contention. Otherwise, someone is just agreeing with the other person all the time. And my husband and I don't agree on many things and I feel like it's healthy. I feel like we don't have to agree on everything. And I think that that's really great to show your teenagers, you're going to have friendships, you're going to have people in relationships in your life, and you're going to have arguments and you're going to have disagreements with them. And it's not a bad thing. You just have to figure out how to repair it and then how to talk about it and communicate about it and get to a solution.

Katie Kinsfather

Right. Next question, how can we make our home a space that they want to hang out and have their friends over and that they feel comfortable in?

Melissa Wiggins

Yeah, it's a huge deal. We built a den above our garage so that our frames would come over.

(29:42):

We try to make lots of outdoor activities for the kids. Pickleball, basketball, swimming, all whiffle ball. There's just so many things that they can do that hopefully invites their friends over and they love having their friends over. And I love their friends over because I feel like I learned so much about them when their frames are over. Right?

Katie Kinsfather

Yes. I think that's the most that my mom learns about me and my siblings is when we're with our friends, for sure. Because that's when we act how we truly want to be. And that's when we're fully ourselves whenever we, with the people that we enjoy spending time with and get excited about being with

Melissa Wiggins

And be kind of, I don't know. I had a birthday party for my twins recently and we invited kids to my house. It's a lot. And we had a really cool water slide in the front yard and it was awesome.

(30:46):

It was so much fun and just I felt like they were just really threaten to have people at their house. Canon was like, can I take my friends and show them my bedroom? They were just proud to be like, this is my house. This is where my family live. I'm proud of this environment here. And that was just really cool to watch.

Katie Kinsfather

It definitely is, and it kind of goes back to earlier when I was saying know who your kids' friends are. Be intentional that because my house is the hangout house, all my friends are always over. My parents actually this last year gave me the guest house for my senior year of high school so that way I could have all my friends over when we had our own space and they gave us that, I don't know, little sense of privacy, I guess, which it's monitored privacy because we're teenagers and we live under my parents' roof.

(31:38):

But they gave us that independence of that guest house, but that only became the hangout house because my parents were intentional about being at sports and being at my dance and being around when my friends were around and letting my friends also know that if there was ever a time my friends needed something, they could go to my parents too. They're not just my parents. My parents have been there for my friends through several things and know they can go to my mom if they want to talk about something.

Melissa Wiggins

I love that. That's beautiful.

Katie Kinsfather

My mom is the friend group mom.

Melissa Wiggins

I love it.

Katie Kinsfather

Okay. Going into the privacy thing, how much privacy do I allow my team to have?

Melissa Wiggins

Oh, this is amazing question. What do you think is the right answer to that? I'm so curious.

Katie Kinsfather

Well, I'll say this is probably the biggest fight my mom and I have ever had is about privacy, which I've learned It's a privilege and you earn it.

Melissa Wiggins (32:33):

Oh, I love that. You earn the privilege to have privacy.

Katie Kinsfather

You don't instantly get it. Because I thought when I turned 13, I was going to get this whole private life that you should not have at 13. Lemme put that out there. I definitely thought when I was 13 it was going to be like this whole big thing. My mom made it very clear to me that I'm to earn my privacy and also it can be taken away. So if I give her a reason that I shouldn't have so much independence and so much privacy in my life, she is allowed to as my parent take that away from me. And if I give her a reason for me to not live in the guest house, that privacy is taken away and I'll be moved back into the house. But that was established in the sit down conversation of I'm giving you this privacy, but also if you give me a reason to take it away, I'm allowed to do that.

Melissa Wiggins (33:20):

As a parent, I think that's beautiful. My kids know they have iPads so they can message with the frames. And our rule with them having that as a new thing was that I'm allowed to pick up their iPad at time that I want and look at any text messages. And it was really interesting. I wait to do it one day, and before I unlocked the iPad, my son looked at me and his was like, he goes, I need to tell you something. And I loved that. I feel like that was really cool. He knew I was about to look at his things and he wanted to come clean before I looked at it, and it was something very small. That's the other thing with teenagers, sometimes we have to internally laugh or away because we're like, this is so adorable that you think this is an issue, but it's not.

(34:15):

But I think that it's cool that you think it's, and so he was like, well, there's this and this, and I've been messaging. And I was like, okay, well thank you for telling me. I really appreciate that because that's another thing that I taught a lot with my kids about and a lot with my clients is if I can't trust you, all of the rest of it, the foundation of the house is just no point, right? If I can't trust you, and I give them the opportunity to air it. So in that situation where I was about to see something on his iPad that he didn't want me to see, he knew that was his chance to come clean with me. And sometimes when they lie to me, because they lie to me when I'll say, I feel like you lying and I'm going to give you the opportunity to try to answer me again.

(35:12):

And then they'll think about it. And then most of my children will take that opportunity and one of them hasn't yet figured that out, and we'll disclose who, but most of them will say, yes, I'm fine. They'll say in that moment, okay, she's giving me this opportunity and I know if I don't take it, there's going to be a consequence. And so I love that.

Katie Kinsfather

I definitely agree with that. And even now at 18, I'm still on my parents' phone plan. So my parents trust me with my phone. They know I'm very cautious about what is on my phone, who I have my contacts or social media apps. I have things like that. But I still know if my mom wants to look at my phone, I live under her roof and she pays for my phone. So she's allowed to do that, which is something we also have to learn because like I said, when I was 13, I thought the whole world was mine, but it's not.

Melissa Wiggins (36:07):

I love it.

Katie Kinsfather

Okay, last question. I kind of just answered it, but how do I handle social media with my teen?

Melissa Wiggins

Yeah, and I think that it is a personal choice

Katie Kinsfather.

Yes.

Melissa Wiggins

And a personal preference. I just think that our job as parents is really our number one job as parents is to prepare purpose. That's number one, your safety. And unfortunately just because of technology, social media is a minefield. Yes. You really just, I remember when I was reading the Anxious Generation, there was a stat that talked about the amount of porn or dms or things like that that people get just on their phone and they're teenagers and they're not equipped to be able to handle that stuff. And it's like talking and educating through that piece.

Katie Kinsfather

For sure. And my parents, for the first couple of years that I had got social media, we had screen time limits set on it, so I couldn't just sit and scroll it for four hours and there was 30 minute limits or 15 depending on what it was.

(37:20):

Also, weekends versus weekdays, it changed. But my parents also had my account names and my passwords, and they were free to look at anything. And also they made it very clear to me, what you put out on social media is there forever. You can't just delete it. And so that was a big conversation that we had before I was able to get any of the apps. It's out there.

Melissa Wiggins

I love that. That's beautiful. Okay, this has been an amazing conversation. I don't feel like it will be the last that we have, but I'm so grateful that you're here and we had all of those questions and I feel like they're going to be very helpful for teenagers and also for their parents because that's the thing. I think that teenagers often think that we have it all figured out and that we know what we're doing and we don't. We're literally making it up as we go along and trying to do our best and figure it out, and hopefully learning from each child that we help. So with that, if you have any questions, I will definitely put social media on there and you can ask away. And also we'll link the book, but thank you for coming to this episode and we hope that it was super helpful.

Katie Kinsfather

Yes. Yay!