Little Actions, Big Impact: Guiding Kids to Understand Others with Carrie Lingenfelter

In this warm and welcoming episode, host DJ Stutz sits down with Carrie Lingenfelter, a former teacher, speech therapist, and conscious parenting champion. They chat about the joy of really getting to know our kids and building those precious connections. Parents of little ones, this one’s for you—full of gentle ideas and engaging tips to help your family grow together!

Carrie opens up about understanding our kids’ unique strengths and struggles, sharing the sweet idea of "empathic" children and how our own vibes affect their world. They explore finding that cozy balance between letting kids feel big emotions and guiding them toward self-care—perfect for those tricky toddler moments or preschool ups and downs. DJ offers inventive tricks like using timers and teamwork to smooth out behavior bumps, making parenting feel a little lighter.

Both shine a light on empathy, kindness, and how grandparents can be such a blessing in today’s parenting journey. With Carrie’s heart for raising sensitive, gifted kiddos and DJ’s down-to-earth wisdom, this episode is a gem for parents who want to keep it real. Listen in for simple ways to nurture emotional wellness, creativity, and closeness—raising little changemakers, one loving family at a time!

Time Stamps
4:06 – DJ and Carrie chat about gifted kids and the wide neurodiversity spectrum—great for parents celebrating their child’s unique shine!
11:03 – DJ shares a quick trick to help kids take responsibility and fix mistakes—perfect for raising problem-solvers!
20:48 – DJ and Carrie share why teaching kids empathy matters—essential tips for nurturing kind toddlers!
29:47 – DJ and Carrie explore avoiding overly strict or lax styles—ideal for finding your parenting groove!

Connect with Us!
DJ Stutz -
Podcast: https://www.imperfectheroespodcast.com/
Coaching and Resources Website: https://www.imperfectheroes.net/
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DJ Stutz Calendar Link: https://bookme.name/Imperfectheroespodcast
ONE ON ONE COACHING Link: https://www.littleheartsacademyusa.com/courses/one-on-one-coaching-bundle

Find DJ’s Books “Roman is Bigger,” “Roman is a Bigger Brother,” and “Oscar’s True Friends” on Amazon, Kindle, Barnes&Noble, Bookshop.org, and Walmart.

Contact Carrie Lingenfelter
Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
Email: https://hearttoheartlife.com/contact-heart-to-heart-life/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hearttoheartparentspodcast
Instagram: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carrie-lingenfelter-50518648/

Transcript

DJ Stutz  00:14

You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world, and I'm your host, DJ Stutz. Welcome everybody, and thank you for joining us again for another episode of Imperfect Heroes:  Insights into Parenting. And today, as pretty much always, I do have an awesome podcast, I'll have to say, but I love the topics that we have, and today we're just talking to Carrie Ligenfelter, and she is the host of her own podcast. It's Heart to Heart. Totally worth the listen, guys. She does it every week. Go, listen. You'll be glad you did. But we're talking about those relationships and how kids pick up on our attitudes, the attitudes of the other adults around them, and then how they take that and move that into their own relationships, then that they have, like maybe with siblings, with friends, with classmates and all of that. But before we get started, I just wanna let you know. I don't know if anyone knows, but I also have a blog, and we've got a ton of great articles and information that's there, and all you have to do is just go to www.ImperfectHeroesPodcast.com/blog. You're going to find so much information there about just all kinds of different topics. See something that is hitting you in your moment. We all have our moments, and that's gonna help you out. Okay, let's get going and get started. All right. So Carrie, let's first talk for 30 seconds about Heart to Heart and then your whole program that you do.

Carrie Lingenfelter  02:14

Yeah, so thanks so much for having me. DJ, yes, I was a teacher just like you, and I also was a speech therapist, and I used to go into homes and work with kids who weren't talking yet in early intervention. And so that really gave me this inside window into what parenting sometimes looks like in the homes, and how parents are seeking to connect with their kids in so many different ways. It was really interesting during that time, because I got to see how parents sometimes became so desperate that we would fill in all of these gaps for our kids and trying to fill in the words for them, even so they wouldn't necessarily think they had to talk. So that led me down the path to eventually becoming a mom, and I didn't know anything. When I became a mom, I thought I knew everything. I was so prepared. Oh my gosh. I was like, husband, you don't need to do anything. I am specialized in this. I got this. I got it all. But yeah, as soon as I became a mom, I felt like I threw it all out the window. I was like, What is going on here? But yes, so I started Heart to Heart parents a year and a half ago, working to help parents connect with themselves as parents, as we're learning and growing in our own way as parents, learning to help connect our kids and see our kids as who they truly are, meeting them with their strengths and their challenges. So that's where heart to heart, parents originally started from.

DJ Stutz  03:38

I love it, and you and I, you know, we've had some conversations, and it's been over a sudden time now that we've been able to get to know each other a little bit, but we are so connected, I think, on our attitudes and our desire to help parents succeed through understanding, yes, understanding how children develop and how they interpret and What our typical and atypical experiences and the atypicals are just fine too. Yes, yes. If everyone was typical, how boring.

Carrie Lingenfelter  04:06

I am starting to think that the more we learn about typical, atypical, neurodiverse is a huge term right now, and you know, a lot of people don't understand that. Even when you say neurodiverse, it also includes gifted and talented kids. So that window is even bigger for how many people fit into this bubble. So at first I didn't think I was part of it, until I started looking into it more. I'm like, oh, gifted and talented. That was me. That was me as a kid, and also very sensitive. And there was a term that I was curious if you had heard of, have you heard of the term empath? I have Yeah. So I love using that term. I think that term really helps us to understand that our kids and that's something everybody in my house is an empath. We're all very sensitive people in our house, and so my husband and I didn't really think about that when we started having kids and then realizing we're picking up their energy when they're having a meltdown because their socks feel funky, or they can't get their coat on, or they have 18 layers for the snow, and we're like, just fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Especially as a mom with my hormones, I didn't realize I was taking on a lot of that energy and it would make me feel more anxious in my body. So I love to share the term Empath, just because, as we're thinking about it, as parents, also, our kids are picking that up. So if I'm having a bad day at work and my husband comes home and he's in a little bit of a funk, I kind of will say, go take a break. Go clear it out. Go for a run. Go sit and meditate or calm down yourself. Go sit in the sauna, something to cool off, because my kids are so sensitive and such big empaths in our house that they can feel that energy and think that they're doing something that's off right.

DJ Stutz  05:49

Typical reaction with most kids. If anything goes wrong, somehow it's my fault. So you see that in like children of divorce, Yes, Daddy left or mommy left because of me, rather than seeing the whole picture and knowing it had nothing to do with you. It was whatever parents had going on. And in fact, you know, it's even typical for a three or four year old to think the sun comes up on that side of my house and goes down on the other side of my house, because it's like that close to it's all about them, their experience. They don't see that bigger thing just yet. They will. And so when we talk about that empathic thing, even before we were just starting here, I was talking to you about a little boy. So I help out at school two days a week, and I work with children who have emotional, behavioral, sometimes violent outbursts, in how they manage their emotions. And I don't work with this kiddo very much. I'm not in first grade very much, but you know, he's a little spicy, spicy kid. And it's funny because then Thursday afternoons I'll be out during recess, I do some yard duty with the little guys, so kindergarten through second grade, and I'm looking all around because I didn't see this one little boy. Usually, he's pretty easy to find, and so I didn't see him. And so I asked one of the other kids. I'm like, Oh, I don't see Johnny. And like, Oh no, he's on the swings today. Oh, amazing. Great. And so then they're like, he's always in trouble. He's, you know, they were just kind of, yeah, like, we don't want to play with him because it's always in trouble or whatever. And it just breaks my heart with that, because yet, she's a good teacher, but she's not very nurturing. She's very regulated rules. This is this, this is this. And that's not kind of who this little boy needs, and because he's going through a lot of trauma currently in his life, and he's six, right? Yes, so how is he going to manage that? But it was funny when I said, you know, I think Johnny really just needs a friend. He needs a friend that will play with him and help him to make good decisions. And they're like, really, you think? So? I'm like, Yeah, that's what I think. And the little kid that I was talking to was in second grade, so not even in the same grade, but a couple of minutes later, you know, you're walking around doing your thing as the duty teacher, and I saw the little kiddo that I had just been talking to was pushing this Johnny on the swings and so sometimes I think our kids just need that reminder that you have a power to make someone's life better or easier, or to help them make and also a reminder for us as adults that this teacher isn't going around saying, I hate Johnny, or Johnny's this, or Johnny's that, but the kids pick up on it, and they do that all the time with it. It may be their teacher, it may be a neighbor lady, it may be  a leader at church, coach on a team, and everybody knows who the kid or kids are that clash with the adult in charge without anybody saying a word.

Carrie Lingenfelter  09:02

It's so true that these kids are sometimes, it's labels, sometimes it's the energy that they're picking up from the responses around them, but they often can embody how others are reacting to them, right? And so a huge piece I myself am raising to I call them gifted, spirited or spicy and highly sensitive kids, is kind of what I refer to them as, but I am helping them to learn. We're working to empower them with these gifts that they have, these heightened sensitivities, these extra big feelings of putting on socks or having pants on their legs and not liking the feeling of the material, but we're looking to empower them like, Wow. You can feel the energy in a room. You can feel and we talk about it, we verbalize it. You can feel that Johnny is feeling really sad today, and you want to play with them because you notice that they're feeling down. So talking about those and helping them. Them to feel empowered in those heightened sensitivity pieces, also with those big emotions. It's so interesting, because so many of these kids, they just want to be heard. When my kids are having a meltdown, it's, I love the term, how can I help you? Like, what can I do to support you right now? Mom wants to help you. Mom wants to see you. I see you. I see that struggle you're going through right now and helping them to feel hurt in those moments.

DJ Stutz  10:28

Boy, I so, so agree with you, and I find this, you know, I've raised five kids of my own. I've got 13 grandkids. I'm the oldest of seven five brothers. Thank you very much, my goodness, and I know, so kids are like my entire, I have no life without kids in there, yeah. And then my work at the school trying to help them out, you know, and then just the work I do with coaching parents and doing that kind of stuff, you see that. But I think, too, that we have the ability to, if someone comes up, and you'll get a lot of school references with me, because that's what I currently have. But let's go back to our Johnny, right? And Johnny's throwing snow at everybody. It's like, oh, okay, well, let's get Johnny, and you stay here too. But then I send everybody else away. It's none of their business go away, because they all want to come in and see, right, what's going on? Yes, what's going on? Oh, he's in trouble again, right? And so we just talk and say, okay, so Johnny, I heard that there was some snow flying through the air. How did that happen? I didn't even say you threw snowballs.

Carrie Lingenfelter  11:36

Yeah, yeah. 

DJ Stutz  11:38

I just heard that there was this snow flying through the air and landing on Mikey. Here, I don't know, you know, I'm just throwing out names, and that flying snow landed on Mikey. How do you think that happened? And I have had him say, well, it was in the air because I threw it, but because I wasn't like, you know what I mean, but because I took a different thing. Now he feels free to be honest with me, and then I can say, Mikey, how did that make you feel? Well, I didn't like it. Well, did it hurt you? No, I'm not really hurt. I just didn't like it. Okay, that's good news. So Joey, why do you think you were throwing that that snow and it and one time as well, well, like, Mikey called me a loser, and it made me mad. Oh, so, okay, Mikey, what do you think about that? Well, you know, and they don't want to be in trouble. But I'm like, is it true? That's another thing I do too. Is that true? Is Joey honestly, a loser? No. I'm like, oh, so Joey, you know, it was a lie. It's not true, right? And so, you know? And so we kind of have those kind of conversations. And then I'm like, well, so we heard a lot of stuff. How can we make this better? I don't say, Go, play and be nice. I don't ever How do you think you guys can make this better? Is there a way that you two can maybe even be friends and play nicely together? And they're like, yeah. And so Mike, you'll say, I won't call him a loser anymore. And Joey will say, I'm not gonna throw any more snow. Sounds like you got it handled. You guys are wonderful. Go. You're fine. Now we're enabling them to solve problems, to own what they did, without fear of anger or retribution from the adult. I'm just facilitating. I'm just here helping, and now they're picking up on a different vibe. You know, when you talk about that empathic child, they're picking up on I trust you, I believe in you, and so that's an approach that I take with kids, and I can encourage and train parents in how to do it, because it does take some work. It's not so you just want to come in and make it stop. Make it stop,

Carrie Lingenfelter  13:55

Rght. Oh, parents are asking to make it stop. You know, it's hard. We're busy parents, and work is stressful. You know, Life is stressful as a parent in the nowadays, life that we live in, it's a, you know, a lot of parents have to both work and to afford our cost of living nowadays. So, you know, that's a big thing that I touch on sometimes for parents too, is sometimes there is this emotion that bubbles up in us as parents as make it stop. Make it stop, or my kid isn't listening. Why aren't they listening? I want to be in control. I want them to listen to me. I want them to do what I say. But also looking back as a parent too, there's so much that we have to homework we have to do ourselves as parents like, why do I need to control my kid? Why do I feel like I have to control every situation, every moment, every feeling my child is having? Why is it that I'm frustrated that my kiddo won't listen to me and do it exactly in that moment? Why do I need it right that moment? Why does it have to be done? So there's so much pieces that come up as a parent, too, and thinking about our role. And our healing that we can go through. So 2025, for me, I actually termed it light me up. It's a year to learn, grow and heal. So when challenges come up, I look inside, you know, if I'm having a challenge with my son, what does this challenge mean? I try to look at the core, root. Is there pieces that I need to heal and grow in myself? And this challenge is telling me something about my son that he may need to heal and grow in as well, or to connect with me in 

DJ Stutz  14:14

Yeah. 

Carrie Lingenfelter  14:54

So I love that for parents.

DJ Stutz  15:29

And I wonder, and maybe you can give me some ideas about this, but how much of that comes from us feeling judged when we were kids? Oh, totally, right. You didn't do this, right? You didn't do this, right? Yes, I think sometimes we get confused in our emotion with wanting to truly be successful, or wanting others to think we're successful. So when we have a child that just got in trouble for throwing rocks on the playground, or is having that meltdown in the cereal aisle in the grocery store. Sure they wanted the CoCo pus. So I think, and I because I did this as well. So I'm not saying wrong. Are you parents? Because, trust me, I was there, you know, and your kid was having the meltdown. And you're thinking, who's looking they're gonna think I'm a terrible parent, and I need to get control of this. And instead of really looking at okay, here we are, and now it's just a room. To me, that grocery store is a room with just me and my child, yeah, yeah. And we can say, Yeah, throwing the temper tantrum isn't going to get you the Cocoa Puffs, and I understand that that's really upsetting to you. You can choose to have your tantrum here, and that's fine. I'll just go down and do some shopping on the other end of the aisle. If you want to stay there, maybe you need me to stay close to you. We can go out to the car. You know, you start giving them some choices about where once his child has permission to cry, it's no fun anymore. Yes, it takes the power out of it, right? Takes the power away from it. Never tell a kid to quit crying first day of school kindergarten, imagine, right? There's always someone crying, always someone crying. And I would just say, you know, I'm so happy you're crying. And they're like, what you know, but it's like, that means you miss your mommy, and if you miss your mommy, that means you love her. And isn't that a wonderful thing? So when you're ready to stop crying and come be a part of us, that is fine, but you can come sit by me. I always had a bean bag chair in my room, or where they could go if they wanted, and then you come join me when you're ready. And it worked every time. I mean, not, you know, oh, I could stop crying now, but, I mean, it was a lot less amount of time of them crying, rather than, if you're there, don't cry, don't cry. It's okay, stop crying. We're all right. You know, Mommy's gonna come back and it's like, Geez, you're pretty anxious. Maybe I should be upset and worried. 

Carrie Lingenfelter  17:54

Yean, yeah, thefix it. They're trying to fix it, right? Sometimes you see that the fix it, fix it. I think I love what you're what you did for those kids, right? Because you allowed them to express and feel those emotions and work through those emotions you allowed them. I love this Brene Brown. I don't know if you've heard of her research. Yes, I love her. So she had mentioned once, were you a high maintenance child, like she said when she was a kid, and I know I felt this when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to be a high maintenance child. I, you know, I had a lot of emotions as a kid. I was an empath, highly feeling kid, and I wasn't allowed to express those emotions. It was like, stop being so sensitive. Or it's really not that bad, or it was my mom. Like, let me fix it. Let me fix it. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay. Like, stop crying. It's okay. So allowing those kids to be the high maintenance child, I'm using quotations right? Because it's not being high maintenance per se. It's being in it's being a human and expressing and it feeling, it those emotions. So if you are not allowed to be a high maintenance child, so many times we see that reflected as a parent later on, where we're trying to fix it, we're trying to calm them down. I know recently, I was on an airplane yesterday coming home with my kids from Disney World, so we were exhausted, and I had my kids, they were allowed to watch movies on the plane, which we normally don't do any technology, but we're like, you know, this is like a four hour flight, so we're okay with some movies, absolutely, here we go. But I had all their little fidget spinners and CHEWIES, and we had snacks, and I was constantly giving them all these little things and talking to them, and I know, Oh yes, I hear you. You're feeling frustrated that we're still flying and you're ready to land. I'm feeling that too. I'm feeling a little nervous. It's a little bumpy right now. That makes me a little nervous. So I was expressing all these things and talking to my kids, this lady behind me said, You did such a good job with your kids. Your kids were so well behaved. You had all these tools for them. And I love the way you talk to them, and you voice What's going on, and you express as an example how you're feeling right now, and so they can feel heard and seen. And you did such an amazing job of. Oh, thank you. I also have my giant bag of tricks here that I bring with me. But you know, in that moment, I look back and I'm like, little Carrie, the childhood Carrie inside of me was like, Oh, good job. She said, you're a good parent. Pat on the back. 

DJ Stutz  20:13

Yes. 

Carrie Lingenfelter  20:14

Where is that coming from, right? Little Carrie!

DJ Stutz  20:18

That is, that's totally there. And another thing too, is one of the things that I work with, and, you know, as we have like Johnny out on the playground, who's always in trouble, or I actually have had kids blame a child, so and so just hit me. So and so's absent.  They are so used to blaming this kid for everything that we do that, and so we set up that those things, I think, too, like when we're on the airplane and talking about, you know, there are other people here, and they're a little nervous about flying too. They have maybe a little bit scaredness in them, or they're exhausted too, and so they might need some rest. And so when we can help them to In addition, let's help meet your needs, but let's also help you meet other people's needs, yeah, as well, and be thoughtful about that, like I think Johnny just needs a friend, instead of sitting and complaining about it, I trust you to be thought like you can figure this out. Yeah, you came up with a great solution. Go try that. I'm excited for you. And when we can teach our kids that there's that kid in the neighborhood that seems to always be in trouble, well maybe we need to help him make good choices and be that friend that says, No, let's not do that. Let's go and do something else over here. Let's be thoughtful of the other people on the plane. And I've got all these fidgets, and I know that you're tired, I know that you're this, I betcha, you're not the only one feeling that way on our plane today. So we want to make sure you're feeling comfortable, but we want to make sure others around us, whether it's a classmate at sibling, you know, other people on the bus, whatever.

Carrie Lingenfelter  22:07

Yep, yep, getting up for older people to sit down. That's a big one, yes, teaching empathy for and compassion for other people. And also a big one that I love to talk to parents about too is modeling empathy and compassion for ourselves, for our children. I love to express to my kids same I just took my kids shoe shopping. This happened last summer. We went shoe shopping. It was a lot of emotions. We needed the perfect style, the perfect fit.  This was too tight. This was too loose.  We got home, mom was exhausted because I have very spicy as you term or spirited children, and I was exhausted, and my kiddo was like, Well, Mom, I want you to come do this with me right now. I want to do this. I'm like, Okay, so I'm gonna be honest here, buddy. Mom has spent two hours shoe shopping with you guys. She's exhausted. She needs 10 minutes to recharge. You go find something to do for 10 minutes. Well, I can recharge my energy, because right now, mom's energy is down here, and I need mom's energy to come back up here before I can be a good mom and be in the zone with you and have fun with you. So then in 10 minutes, I go, I don't have a phone out and present with them, but I use that a lot with my kids, because I don't want to give them half of mom. I don't want to be texting and be there, uh huh, yeah, uh huh, uh huh. I don't want to do that. I want to be fully present with them. So teaching them that compassion of moms and teaching them that energy level mom's energy is down here, mom needs to do some self care for herself and show some compassion for herself so she can be fully ready to engage fully and be present with you. So we love to love

DJ Stutz  23:45

I love that, and I love the example that you're setting. I think to another thing that I use, and I encourage you with parents that I'm coaching. I love timers. They're my favorite. Yeah, they're so fun. So if you set a timer, if you set 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, and they have a timer. You're in charge of this timer. Hold the timer so that when it goes off, you can come and get me, and then I've got my and I have found, personally in my teaching, in my coaching, that when kids have that and it's tangible, it's there, they can see it. And there are some timers you can buy, and it has like this red line. And then as the time goes and the the time gets shorter, closer to going off, the line gets shorter. It's very visual, especially, yep, yes, yes. And so then they're in charge, and then they can come. Timer went up. Thank you, buddy. That was so nice that you held on to that you helped me remember you can give them that, and then you can so out of the 13 grandkids, we have 13 personalities, right? And so one of them my middle daughter, she has two kids, and her older is the son and. And he has his own individualities, and sometimes he needs to just be alone, you know. And he's nine years old now, but since he was even little, he just needed time alone sometimes. And that's, yeah, his thing. He's very rule oriented, blah, blah, blah. His sister is the exact opposite of him.  Like they could be... they're so different.  And she's like, Hey, come play. And she's just big personality and does not like being alone, but sometimes Sylvan just needs that time. And Iggy can be a little much, although I find her absolutely hysterical, but I'm Nana, and so her her mom, my daughter, will set the timer and say, Sylvan needs some time alone. And then that's also for Sylvan saying, Iggy needs some time with you. Iggy isn't her real name, it's the nickname, but Iggy needs some time with you. So we're gonna set the timer for a half hour. You can go and lay in the dirt. He loves dirt. You can colorful, isn't it? And then whatever you want to do when the timer goes off, then Iggy gets some time that she needs. Because what she needs is you. And isn't that a wonderful thing that she loves you that much. And as opposite as those two kids are, they really do get along very well, very well, but I love that in showing that need for self care for mom, and then showing them how they can get that need met for them and have that established, and it's a routine, and we know that when someone's hit this limit, we're going to let them take care of themselves, meet their needs, and move forward. ,

Carrie Lingenfelter  26:51

Yeah, and really verbalizing it, I think verbalizing like you do, you mentioned so much, but teaching them how to identify their own emotions, their own energy levels, to identify what's bothering them. Oh, that itchy sock, and part of that too, goes along with when we were talking about the empowerment, I had wanted to mention, but forgot. I love to tell my kids this big emotion that's coming out right now. This is not who you truly are. This is just a piece of what we're seeing in you right now. Let's name it. Let's name it angry. Zoe, I don't know. Let's name it a silly sometimes we come up with silly names, which I can't think of right now, but we can name it a silly name and laugh at it and understanding, yes, that sometimes erupts in us because we're kids and we're growing and we're exploring and we're trying new things as a human sometimes I even say being a human can be hard. Being in our human body can be hard. It can be loud, food can taste funky. Lights can be bright. Sometimes, socks can feel uncomfortable. So we love to name it to tame it. I think Dan Siegel always says that name it to tame it. But yeah, like you said, using all of this vocabulary and teaching them. Can you imagine where these kids are going to be when they are 40, 6080, years old that they're already naming and feeling and identifying all of these emotions? Like, what kind of world would that be? That sounds amazing!

DJ Stutz  28:15

And think too, like, I don't know. I'm an old fart. So my grandparents were around, like my grandpa Benjamin, my on my dad's side, they had the first car in town. Cool, yeah, you know. And my grams and pops, they're my other side, and they were the Lumberjacks.

Carrie Lingenfelter  28:32

And it was not a lot of emotions there. I'm sure.

DJ Stutz  28:35

They would take a horse and wagon into town. Yeah, yeah. I mean. And so it was like, dig down, get it done, which I believe in, dig down, get it done, you know, and that we do hard things, and that you are totally capable of this, but I can help you with but at the same time, it's okay to feel sad and For lumberjacks, farm people. Now I live by farm people. Never done that before, and it's like you took your cat to the vet. What? I even had a neighbor and their cat. It was a cute, cute, cute kitten fell out of a tree, broke its leg. She took it to the vet, and, you know, they got it all, and now it's going to be an inside cat, because it has to. And she's like, Oh, and her husband's like, do not tell anybody. We took this cat to a vet and paid to have its broken leg fixed.

Carrie Lingenfelter  29:32

Save it.

DJ Stutz  29:33

Yes.  I mean, it's so it's a very different culture, different mindset, you know? And so, and it was just a cat. Well, no, it was my kitty, and I love that kid. You know what? I mean? Yeah, and so, I think that there's a balance between, let's dig down deep, get her done, work ethic, honesty, all those, yeah, all those pieces of. It, but then that we can balance that with, I understand that you're feeling this way. Talk to me a little more about that. You know, do you have any ideas on how we can help this work, or whatever we still have to get our work done, but I think that we really can find, and I think the pendulum, because the pendulum swung way too far the other way. Definitely. Kids never having to solve a problem. Helicopter, lawn mower. Parents, you know, lawn mower, oh, man, they mow down any competition that gets in the way of their kid. They just mow it down.

Carrie Lingenfelter  30:36

Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen that. I remember teaching first grade, and we would have the parents who would pull all of the books out of their backpacks, put it all away for them, get their water bottle, set up their lunch box. I'm like, Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, this is your child's job right now? That's a first grade duty. That's something we have to learn, and that's something you want them to become their own human So, yes, I remember that. That was the early two. I think that was the 2000s like you were talking about, yeah, the pendulum,

DJ Stutz  31:05

Yeah. So now I think we're coming back in, and I'm hoping we don't swing too far the other way, but find that balance in the middle where yes and that we aren't labeling other kids like Joey the bad kid, yeah, yeah, right, because Joey's going through a lot of trauma right now that you don't know anything about. You don't need to know about it. But Joey is struggling with very grown up problems, and he's six, yeah, yep, right. And so, or yeah, we've got some neuro diversities, with all of the crap that's going on, right? Yes. And so, you know, we need to be patient. And I see that with a lot of kids, a lot of kids. And in fact, that when you can present it to them that way, they're really open to it. Kids are great. Kids have a good heart. Kids,..

Carrie Lingenfelter  31:59

Oh they do!  Kids don't, look at other kids. I mean, it's not till the older years I feel like, where they look at them like, what are you doing? Most of the time, they're like, oh, that's Joey. That's what Joey does. I love what you're saying when we're working on this balance right now, and humanity is trying to figure out this balance with this neurodiversity pieces we're understanding or seeing goals and speech therapy. I was taking some courses recently. I was talking about the goals are looking to empower the children. The goals used to be about having the child blend in, so you would look in the classroom and you wouldn't be able to tell who is who was neuro diverse. It was about blending in, or masking, or being part of the crowd, fitting inside the perfect box, and we would teach them the skills to fit in the box. But now our goals are looking at what are the strengths that this child can bring for themselves, what are the challenges and supports that they need for themselves? And then we're also teaching grandparents, I love this, that you're a grandparent, and you know, I had to teach my mom and dad. Yes, I'm parenting my kids a little bit different. It looks different. Here is why we do it. And I started to show them the reasons why and how, if we acted a certain way, it could affect this for them. So how we had to prepare the environment for them, or help them work through certain situations, or bring my 85 items in my backpack on the airplane so they had something to spin while they're sitting seated for four hours. But, you know, educating all of the different generations about what we're doing. So that way, when my kid is starting to lose it in the mall and I'm escorting them out, I don't get the you're a bad parent. Look, I get that, oh, you're going through something hard right now. Look, I see you trying your best and doing what you can for them.

DJ Stutz  33:46

Yeah.  In fact, some of my favorites. So I've had a couple of parent grandparents who have wound up doing, helping out with childcare, with their grandkids, or some out and out raising their grandkids for whatever reason. And they're like, ba, what do I do, everything's changed, right? It is my favorite group, and I've only had one family come to me with this. But you know, I do group coaching, as you do, and it was two parents and their three grown children. And so we took the five of them, and between the three grown children, there were like, seven kids, and they all lived, like, I don't know, within two or three miles radius of each other. So tons of interaction with this family, and they wanted to have everyone kind of be on the same page, so that they're getting the same thing. When I met Aunt at Aunt Susie's house, get that out, or, you know, Grandma grandpa's house or whatever, yeah. And so we did a six week thing, but it was this generational thing where they were all getting the same information, making the same agreements, and having amazing conversations among themselves. But because this out. Here, kind of mentoring them through it, they were able to say some things that have been on their mind, concerns that they had. This is why I'm worried about this. This is why I'm worried about that. And it's funny, you know, the same tools that I use with my kids on the playground I was using with the family, yeah, yeah. And it worked so well, and they were so happy at the end of the six weeks. So yeah, grandparents reaching out, wanting to understand better, because we've learned more scientifically about how the body works, how the brain works, blah, blah, blah, then we knew 1015, 50 years ago. And so it's great to reach out and figure those things out and to be a part of it. So, yeah, you don't just need to be a parent to look for ideas.

Carrie Lingenfelter  35:49

No, it's so wonderful. And when parents bring the grandparents into it and explain why they look different, it is definitely hard as a parent too, because it's so easy to want to go back to how you were raised, the way that you were spoken to. You want to go into that. But oftentimes, so many of these kids, especially if they are in the neurodiverse area, it can feel like you're speaking another language at times, for sure, yeah.

DJ Stutz  36:14

And at the same time, I kind of feel like it's blown out so exponentially the number of kids that are neuro diverse that I just kind of feel like, yeah, they're just another kid. You know what? I mean? Yeah? Like, yeah. It's not that they're that unusual child. You have dyslexia, you have ADD ADHD, autism, all these different things, but there's so many of them that maybe when I okay again old, but you know, when I was going through, either you behaved or you didn't, it was like, not we didn't worry about peanut allergies. It was nobody. I never knew anyone with a peanut allergy until after I started teaching, and it was years into teaching that with the peanut allergy, yeah, you know, and so, and now it's just so common. And so I think there's an opportunity here too, though, to say, you know, oh yeah, that's just Joey, and I'm just me, and we're different, and that, yeah, it's great. And that is fine. And we're so eager to let me slap this label on you. Let me slap this label on you. And here's another label. You get a label and you get a label, you know, kind of a thing, but, but we're so anxious to to label things, instead of just saying, that's just Joey,

Carrie Lingenfelter  37:35

Yep, that comes back to balance.

DJ Stutz  37:37

Yeah, absolutely,

Carrie Lingenfelter  37:39

totally balance, right?

DJ Stutz  37:41

Well, we've kind of gone over in time, because I like talking to you. What can I say?

Carrie Lingenfelter  37:48

We could go on for hours.

DJ Stutz  37:52

DJ, it's very fun. I know I love when people agree with me and realize how right I am about everything.

Carrie Lingenfelter  38:02

The teacher in us. It's enjoyable.

DJ Stutz  38:07

Before we go, please share with everybody how they can find out more. Where do they get to Heart to Heart? Where can they find you in the services that you provide?

Carrie Lingenfelter  38:15

Yeah, so we have Heart to Heart parents. It's on podcasts and Spotify. It's also on YouTube. I'm on Instagram a lot. I'm doing uplifting ideas for parents and cheesy laughing at myself ideas with a crunchy mom raising her kids. You know, all natural over here, but I love to joke around and make parents laugh, because I think we need that in our lives. I'm also on my website, heart to heart life.or heart. I can't even Heart to Heart life.com. Yes, four hour flight with kids. I kind of am a little brain dead this week, but

DJ Stutz  38:47

I know it.  I know it is appreciated by Disney World. So yeah, yes, yeah, that's not exactly rating. It's exhausting.

Carrie Lingenfelter  38:57

We had, we had our day of fun. Yeah, yeah. Thanks so much for having me DJ absolutely,

DJ Stutz  39:03

And before we go, I always ask my guests the same question, because we know there are no perfect parents, but some parents do seem to be more successful than others. How would you describe just a successful parent?

Carrie Lingenfelter  39:16

Yes, I would say connecting with them, seeing them for who they truly are, and meeting them where they're at. Yes. That's my favorite piece of wisdom.

DJ Stutz  39:29

Quit worrying about what should be and concentrate on what is yes, and then what's the next step? Yeah, 100% Oh, I love it, yeah. I love it. Yeah. So everybody. Follow, subscribe, leave a review. Five stars is the appropriate number of stars to leave. And in the meantime, I've got my three books that are out there, and they are all about this emotional equation and siblings and not having to be. Same as your friends and valuing the individualities. And so if you want to look, just look under DJ Stutz, author. I'm on Amazon, Barnes and Noble all the sites, and feel free to pick up a book or three as we go. So guys, I'm so excited. And we I just have the best guess. I know I have the best guest that's so much fun. So anyway, until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys,  Thank you so much for sticking around to the end of today's episode of imperfect heroes. Parenting is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can take. But let's face it, it can be incredibly challenging, and sometimes we make it harder on ourselves than it needs to be. The good news is that with a little bit of work up front, there are practical steps you can take to bring more peace and joy into your family life. I am passionate to share these strategies and insights with you. If you're ready to step on the path to joyful, effective parenting, I invite you to schedule a family checkup. Just click on the calendar link in the show notes below. Schedule a time that works perfectly for you, and let's work together to create a more harmonious and happy environment. And remember every small step that you take today makes a big difference. So thank you again for joining us, and until next time, let's find joy in parenting.