Friendship Breakups in Your 30s: Why They Hurt More Than Dating

Friendship breakups are one of the most painful parts of adulthood — and somehow we barely talk about them.

In this episode of Navigating Between the Lines, Maggie reflects on why friendships can be so meaningful… and why it hurts so deeply when they change.

From growing up and drifting apart to the quiet disappointment of relationships that slowly fade, this conversation explores what it means to hold gratitude for what a friendship was while accepting that it may no longer be part of your life today.

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Transcript

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Here we go. Welcome back to Navigating Between the Lines. I'm Maggie File, your host. If you listened to last week's episode, it was a little life-lately catch up. Thank you for listening. Those episodes always feel like sitting down and having coffee together. I really wanted to do that again this week, but I guess we will pivot and get a little deep. One thing I really loved about this podcast journey so far is that some weeks I'm getting emotional or we're getting really deep. And others I'm just showing up with a little bit of an attitude telling you about my week. So navigating between the lines, let's go. Anyway, while debating this week, I was getting my hair done and I did a quick poll. Friendship breakups or a Chicago itinerary. And honestly, the Chicago one would have a hundred percent been easier. Just me talking about restaurants and pretending I'm a travel influencer for 30 minutes. But you guys voted for this. So here we go. You know we have talked about how it's the year of the horse. I do feel like in all different seasons, you can feel yourself changing and learning new things about yourself. Each birthday or holiday sometimes does that too. Also, fun fact: did you know we are in Mercury retrograde right now? Which apparently means reviewing old conversations and emotional patterns. And honestly, that kind of fits this episode perfectly because friendships are one of those parts of life you end up reflecting on as you get older. Some blame Mercury retrograde for all the chaos that happens in their lives. However, this is a good time to sit back and review what you put your energy toward. I think you're not supposed to make any impulse decisions either. But I mean, I'm always down. Yes, now, figure it out later. If I'm being honest, I think from day one, I always knew I would record this friendship episode, but it feels very personal. Full disclosure, everything I talk about isn't something that personally happened to me. And I'm not talking about any one person specifically, but it's all patterns I've seen and observed through the years. I probably could go that route, really shake things up, but we're gonna keep it more general. Hearing from other friends and also just getting aligned with my life so much this year, it's like seeing life from above. It's been actually very interesting, but the therapist says that just means I can see things real clear, that I'm in a real clear headspace. And I think, I think I would say that fits. So in high school, you know, you think you're gonna be best friends forever because up to that point, those are the biggest experiences of your life. Then college hits and suddenly people are on totally different paths. Some are talking about marriage, someone's out four nights a week, someone moves across the country for a new job. Your 20s are where you meet the girls who shape huge parts of your life. Your 30s are where your friendships get tested, and your 40s, well, I'm almost there, but you're kind of like, I just don't really care about any of that. Like I know who I am now. And before we really dive in here, I want to start with a really simple moment that I think a lot of people will recognize. Have you ever picked up your phone to text someone? And then you maybe paused for a second. Maybe you thought about checking in with an old friend. Maybe something reminded you of them. And then you realize you haven't talked in a while. Not because of a fight, not because of anything dramatic. It's just life. And you sit there for a second wondering, maybe you like scroll through your text, like, uh, did I do something? Did something happen? Should I text them? Or has enough time passed that it feels a little weird now? You got anyone that you're thinking about that? I know I've got a couple people. The older I get, the more I realize friendship might be one of the most meaningful and complicated parts of adult life. It shouldn't be, but it somehow is. And if you're listening thinking you've never felt any tension in a friendship, you might just be one of the lucky ones. I mean, has anybody watched Real Housewives like any city, anyone? Where's my Bravo crew? I would say I'm a total girls' girl. I think I always have been. Maybe because I'm an only child, friendships have always been a huge part of my life. Some of the best memories of my life involve my friends. Also, if you listened to the very first episode, you'll know I had 13 bridesmaids in my wedding. So I, not that they're all from like one group, different groups, but I'm telling you that because friendships have just always been very important to me. Laughing way too hard, talking for hours, showing up for each other through real life stuff, bachelorette parties and birthdays, that's an obvious one. But who's there when your kids are born and you're bleeding into a diaper? The ones who show up while your kids grow, when our parents die, like who's there with you? I always say I hope when I'm 80 years old, I'm living somewhere near my girlfriends, walking over to each other's houses with coffee or wine, whatever, a whiskey, still talking about life, probably still bitching about some of the safe stuff we have talked about a hundred times. That's always been the dream for me. And if you pay attention, you see it happening. Any coffee shop, a different generation of girlfriends navigating life together. So this episode isn't about friendship in a negative way. If anything, it's quite the opposite. It's about how meaningful friendships are and why it hurts so much when they change. Because friendship breakups are very real. And if you've been through one, you know they can hurt in a way that it's really hard to explain. I think sometimes they can hurt more than maybe like a romantic relationship. Friendships hold so much of your real life. They're the people who see the everyday version of you, the people you call when your toddler won't sleep and you're losing your mind. The people who say, drop your kid off here. I've got you. Can you meet for happy hour? I really want to walk through this with you. And by the time you get to your 30s, friendship starts to look different than they used to. You have your mom friends, school friends, work friends, neighbors. It's okay to sit at surface level with a lot of people in your life. Reminder, there's at the friendship levels go acquaintances, casual friends, close friends, and then there's your best friends, your core people. Sometimes those people live five minutes away, sometimes they live hours away. But they're the people who know you without needing a long explanation. And I do want to say something here because I know that a lot of my best friends and close friends listen to this podcast. To my ride or dies, thank you. You guys know for loving me through every version of my life, the fun seasons, the messy seasons, the grieving seasons, the figuring it out seasons, which I'm just all of those, all above, all the time. But your support has honestly meant more to me than you probably ever realized. And if you're listening, you know exactly who you are. Just a shout out thank you. And when something shifts in a relationship like that, it isn't small. Something I've realized personally, like if I think about my closest friendships, while they are the easiest and we know what each other is thinking 99% of the time, they also have had imperfect moments, moments where someone had to say, Hey, can we talk about this because that hurt my feelings? Or listen, I'm on your side, but I don't know if you're seeing this clearly. And, you know, for me, when I look back, those moments are part of what made so many of those friendships so real. Because real friendships isn't about never hurting each other's feelings. It's about knowing the relationship is strong enough to talk through it. And I actually think one of the biggest signs of a real friendship is that you can call each other out and nobody runs away. I actually just read this study. I skimmed it, but it was on being self-aware. And the majority of the people who entered the study, they felt like they were super self-aware. And when it concluded, the study found that only a small percentage of those people were actually self-aware, which is kind of crazy. I mean, it makes you think, doesn't it? It also helps you give grace or let someone be where they are because they haven't met that next level yet. I love my friends who call me out on my shit, you know. In fact, one of you DM'd me this morning, like, oh, there you are posting again. You look so old. I'm gonna call her out actually. This is my old basketball coach. So I think I met her in I was in middle school. So she basically knew me before I knew myself, but she's a real one. She will always tell me when I'm out of line. And I love that. That's a real day one right there. Not pretending everything is fine, but true honesty, loving each other enough to say the uncomfortable thing and loving each other enough to hear it. That's part of being a girl's girl too. I actually heard a story once from a friend, this is years ago, and she gave me permission to share it. So she asked another friend at breakfast one day, is there anything you've ever wanted to tell me, but didn't? And the girl admitted she had hooked up with her boyfriend the year before, but didn't know they were dating. And honestly, I mean, it's kind of crazy, but they worked through it. I'm pretty sure they're still friends now, which just shows as crazy as that story is, it's like why like hello college. Real friendships can survive uncomfortable honesty. As we grow, we naturally become more clear about who we are, what we value, what we give in relationships, more importantly, what we are capable of giving, and what we need back. You guys, it's not really that hard. It's really about showing up. Just show up, checking in, being happy for each other, making time, even when life is busy. Everybody has a busy life. You have to prioritize things. And I say that knowing I'm not perfect either. I'm sure there are moments where I could have shown up better. But I also think there comes a point in adulthood where you start recognizing the difference between maybe a friendship that feels natural and a friendship that feels like work. And something about me is that I am a very forgiving person, probably because I don't, I don't remember anything, but I also realize life's too short to hang on to any bad feelings. I understand the busy seasons, kids work, life gets overwhelming. I mean, I'm in it with a spring sport season too. Nobody gets it right all the time. So if I ever stop talking to someone, it probably means something went really wrong. Usually it means a line got crossed, or maybe I felt taken for granted for too long. Because I think when you're younger, you tolerate more, you explain more, you give more chances, and eventually you realize something really important. Understanding someone else's life doesn't mean abandoning yourself. I'm gonna say it again. Understanding you can understand someone else's life, but that doesn't mean you have to give up for the things that you need. I've had to flip this around and think maybe someone thinks that about me too. And all I would say to that, able to look in the mirror, I would always want someone to tell me how I hurt them so I could fix it. But I mean, maybe that's just me. And I'm gonna share something personal here. I had a friendship that lasted almost 17 years. I think 17 years is a long time. That's multiple chapters of your life, post-college years, relationships, different versions of who we both were. And about a year ago, it ended. There wasn't a huge fight, it wasn't with something crazy dramatic. It actually ended with a thumbs up text, which I mean worst emoji ever, in my opinion, is the thumbs up text. Like, just tell me you hate me, which I mean, it's ridiculous when I use it out loud. Like, how does 17 years end with a thumbs up? That feels like the response you send when someone tells you that the media moved to a Tuesday. And honestly, I don't think there's any hard feelings, you guys. That's the strangest part of this. But what I do feel, if I'm being honest, is disappointment. Like what a disappointment. I mean, I guess I don't know, but maybe one of the biggest disappointments ever. And you know why you feel disappointed? Because you expected more. Sometimes the simplest thing you can do in life is adjust your expectations. A lot changes when you do that. But going back, sometimes the hardest friendships to lose aren't the ones with anger. It's the ones you wish the other person could have just gotten out of their own way long enough to talk through it, to try to resolve it. And the interesting thing is, I don't look back at any of those years negatively. That's just not how my brain works. I don't rip up pictures, I don't pretend the memories didn't matter. Those moments were real. There were such fun moments. And I can hold that truth at the same time that I hold the truth that the friendship doesn't exist the same way anymore. Both things can be true. And talking to other people, I think a common theme with some relationships is how they are mostly one-sided. Every conversation is about their life, every text thread, every phone call. And at first you don't think much of it because friendship certainly isn't about keeping score. But eventually you start noticing something. You can't ask someone to care about your life. You can't ask someone to be curious about you. That either exists or it doesn't. When you feel like you're the only one holding the friendship together, it's natural to pull back, less, less reaching out. And sometimes you wonder, should I explain it? Should I explain why? Would they understand it? But I think friendships are only as strong as someone's ability to absorb what you're saying. And sometimes two people just stop growing in the same direction. And when that happens, there's not too much left to hold on to. And I think that's something that nobody really prepares you for about friendships in adulthood. You can love someone, you can have years of history, or you can have even just a couple years of history, but things that really felt meaningful, you can have all these incredible memories together and still reach a point where the friendship just isn't aligned anymore. That person can maybe suck in your eyes, but more than not, nobody's trying to be a shitty friend or a bad person. At least I would hope not. But because people grow at different speeds, people experience things at a different rate, and that shapes their perspective, different priorities, different emotional awareness. And sometimes the hardest part, again, isn't losing the friendship. It's accepting that the person you once felt deeply connected to is no longer walking the same path you are. For me, one of the biggest shifts in my friendships, like as a whole, actually happened after my mom died. Losing her stripped a lot of things away for me emotionally, obviously. It stripped away the noise. A lot of the things that used to feel important suddenly didn't anymore. And when something like that happens in your life, you rebuild yourself in such a different way. You start asking different questions. What really matters? Who really shows up? What kind of relationships actually feel real and supportive? And when you go through something that big, you realize you don't have a lot of room left for things that feel halfway. Not halfway effort, not halfway care. You start craving alignment, mutual showing up, people who are genuinely there for each other. And I don't say that in a harsh way, you guys. It actually, if anything, it made me softer about a lot of things because I realize how short life is, like truly short. And if there's one thing grief teaches you, it's that the people who show up for you in the hardest seasons of your life, those are the people you never forget. You could say those are the friendships that last, but maybe they have drifted too. And that's part of why friendships changing can feel so complicated. Because when you've shared real parts of your life with someone, kind of maybe you bared your soul, big life moments, vulnerable seasons, it's hard to imagine those people not being there forever. But life keeps moving. People grow, paths shift, and alignment changes. And part of us growing up is learning how to accept that without bitterness, to still appreciate what a friendship was, to still look at the memories and smile, and at the same time, make space for the people who are walking beside you now. Here's your permission to feel bummed out for a minute. I'll even give you permission for one slightly savage thought if you want, maybe two. Sometimes the person just kind of sucks. Like you're like, she just sucks. Not in a villain way, just in a wow, that was so disappointing kind of way. Because sucks or not, though, you still saw something in them at one point and shared parts of your life with them. The inside jokes, trips, maybe like a late night talk. And it is a little bizarre feeling when someone who knew really personal parts of your life just isn't in your life anymore. You're like, okay, cool, but like, is all that stuff in a vault somewhere? Like, I mean, I personally want to keep the secrets between us. We can share something. I think you would be not a good person if you shared things that somebody shared with you at one point when they thought you were a safe space for them. There are people who knew versions of me years ago that were, you know, very real moments of my life. And even if that friendship isn't in my life today, I I literally honor those moments so hard. They still mattered. And I think that's the weird part about friendship chapters, they help shape who you become, even if they don't stay forever. And something else thought about lately, and maybe you do too, is like the questions you're in the car and a certain song comes on and you're like, oh my gosh, it reminds me about this person. And do I ever cross their mind the way that they cross mine? And do they ever think to check in on me? Or am I the only one thinking about that? And that's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity. It's about effort. Because I really do believe most friendships start with love. But again, life moves really fast. Schedules get full, priorities change. And sometimes I think if today was the last day someone was alive, guys, don't get crazy. Like we're all having end date here. Would we talk to people differently? Would we show up differently? And would we reach out more? That's all for you to think about. That thought for me has made me look at my friendships differently, not in a heavy way. Again, just in a clearer way. Because the point of this episode isn't to compare friendships. It's not about who has more friends. The point is to take a look at your own circle and ask yourself honestly: are these friendships giving you what you need? Support, laughter, honesty, real connection. I mean, the time of your life. I feel like I always say that I've had the time of my life after every weekend with my friends. Oh my gosh, this is the best weekend ever. But the goal isn't about having a lot of friends. The goal is having the right ones, the real ones. And I had asked you guys recently if anyone had stories about friendship experiences. And one that stood out to me was from someone who said they had a neighbor who became one of their closest friends. They had kids the same ages. They walked every day together, their kids played together, they talked all the time. But eventually, this person realized that they were always the ones reaching out first, always the ones making the plans, always the one keeping the friendship going. She realized I've never seen the inside of this person's house. Like I don't know what color her kitchen is. And once they stopped reaching out, that friendship slowly disappeared. And I think that's a really hard realization. Because again, friendships don't always have to end in a big dramatic moment. Sometimes they just fade when the effort stops. That's where the word reciprocity comes in. Friendship isn't meant to be one person carrying the relationship. There are seasons for that, for sure. Sometimes you're down, I'm up, I'm down, you're up. We all got to help each other. It's meant to move both directions. And again, the older we get, the more we noticed when that balance isn't there. And the interesting thing about getting older is that your perspective shifts so much too. Life is really that deep, but it's also really simple, which is very confusing because sometimes I feel very enlightened, and other times I'm standing in my kitchen wondering where my phone is while it's literally in my hand. And I'm not being dramatic, but basically that's kind of my life lately. Like all the outside noise, the stuff that used to bother me, the things I used to overthink, I'm just not as interested anymore. Like I don't care. Not in an irresponsible way, in a clarity way, in an alignment way. Like I finally, after 39 years on this earth, feel very clear about what matters to me, who matters to me, where I want my life to go. And when you start feeling that kind of an alignment, like really, really feel it, anything that isn't part of that path becomes a lot easier to let go of. The friendship's changing, you guys. Some friendships are chapters, some are seasons, and some really do last a lifetime. But the end of a friendship doesn't erase what it gave to you. I really don't think it does. It doesn't make it meaningless, in my opinion, anyway. I have a circle behind me clapping so loud, it's like the rest doesn't matter. And I want you to have that too. It just means that part of your story with that person might be complete. And who knows, life's long. I mean, it's short, but it's long. There could be another chapter where, you know, that character makes an appearance again. And if you're in a season right now where a friendship has shifted, maybe it's shifting or drifted or quietly ended, you're not the only one going through that. More people experience this than they talk about. And you gotta be able to hold two things true at the same time: gratitude for what a friendship was and sadness for what it isn't anymore. Because friendships really are one of the best parts of life. Like they, I could not do life without my friends. And if you're thinking, like, okay, I don't have somebody like that, you need to get new friends. That's the one thing I will say is your friends should be your biggest supporters in all the things. They should love you and see you for everything that you do and still be able to accept that because nobody's perfect. And at the end of the day, it's just about showing up. Just show up. Because someday we're gonna be older. And I still picture myself sitting around with the same people who knew me when I was young, talking about life the way we always have. And I think learning how to appreciate that, you know, that both gratitude and sadness can coexist is part of navigating between the lines. If this episode made you think about a friendship in your own life, I'd love to hear about it if you want to talk about it. You can always message me on Instagram. And honestly, if someone popped into your mind while you were listening to this, send them this episode because chances are they've been navigating something similar to. Unless it's the thumbs up friend, then we're we're gonna leave them out of this one. But okay, onward and upward, you guys. We are gonna talk about Chicago next week because I'm super excited. We will be there. The river turns green this weekend. So I'm gonna post a lot of pictures behind the scenes too. Okay, make it a great day. Call a friend.