The Version of Mother’s Day We Don’t Talk About

Mother’s Day is supposed to be simple. 

Flowers, brunch, cards. But for a lot of us, it’s not.

In this episode, I’m talking about the version of Mother’s Day we don’t always say out loud.. the one that holds gratitude & grief at the same time. The one where you can feel so lucky to be a mom while missing your own. Or longing to become one. Or navigating relationships that don’t look the way you thought they would.

I’m sharing what this day feels like for me, almost four years after losing my mom, while raising my own kids and standing somewhere in the middle of both.

We’re also getting honest about expectations, the invisible load moms carry, and what we actually want from this day (hint: it’s not managing everyone else).

If you’ve ever felt a mix of emotions around Mother’s Day—this one’s for you.

And if it makes you think of someone… send it to them.

https://www.instagram.com/navigatingbetweenthelines

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We are gonna get started. Who's excited? I gotta get this little thing going. Okay, I've had Mother's Day on my mind the last couple of weeks, and I don't actually think it's as simple as we all pretend it is. Hey guys, welcome back to Navigating Between the Lines. How are we doing this week? We are officially back in full sports mode. We've got track meets, baseball scrimmages, and gymnastics going. It took me long enough, but I am completely leaning into the spring sports schedule and the to and from, the back and forth. Like, what else is there to do besides lean into it? And I'm also grateful to be finished with that anxiety spiral I was in, you guys. So dumb and annoying, but it's also so real. Anyway, thank you for being on this journey with me, dear diary. Here we go. I've got Mother's Day on my mind, two and a half weeks out, you guys. Have you been thinking about it too? I don't know if we are gonna tie this up with a bow today because Mother's Day is actually very complicated. And before you're like, no, it's not. Hear me out. We've got flowers, brunch, cards, candy, and then feelings. So many feelings. There's grief, happiness, sadness, maybe a longing for what should be while still happy for what is. This is navigating between the lion skin, and we are entering Mother's Day. All the things we don't say out loud. I swear, the lead up alone, I've probably gotten like eight to 12 emails already. Mother's Day gift guides, don't forget mom, shop now. Some of them even offer an opt-out, which every time I see that, I'm like, okay, so we know collectively that this day can be hard, but we still kind of just like maybe gloss over that piece of it. You know, I never want to be negative about anything. That's not what it is. Mother's Day is one of the best days ever. We can hallmark it up and you'll open your Instagram to every single person being like, best mom ever. Mother's Day carries expectations, sometimes pressure, and it also welcomes complicated feelings. So the same time, at the same time, for some people, it's a beautiful day. For others, it can be a very painful day. And for most of us, it's both. Mother's Day doesn't just celebrate moms, it exposes everything tied to being one. For me, I do love how Mother's Day highlights us in an honorable way. I'm William and Chloe's mom, which, as we know, I have a hard time believing. I have a 10 and 12-year-old. Like, where did that time go? William still tells me he loves me all the time. Chloe is very specific. Like, I'm just so happy that you're my mom. I'm so lucky. And I love that part of every day and Mother's Day, too. It's like sometimes we forget that the exhaustion and the running to and from sports and making sure the dinners and the lunches are packed and the jerseys are washed and the crazy talks that we get into in the car commute. It is appreciated by everyone around us. But at the same time, I don't have my mom here. You know, she is not here. It's been almost four years now, and I'm standing in the middle of both things. It's like I'm being celebrated while missing the person who made me a mom in the first place. You know, I remember my first Mother's Day, I think we all do. William was home after being in the NICU for 38 days. So I don't know, he was home for like three to four weeks. It was a beautiful day. I had that really cute bassinet stroller. Do you know the one that I'm talking about? It was like the cute bassinet. I wanted that so bad. Doesn't matter, but um we were on a family walk and someone rolled their window down and they were like, Happy Mother's Day. Listen, we know I don't remember much, but I do remember on this day that I turned into someone who does not know how to socialize because I was like stuttering, like, am I a mom? Like, is it my day? Like it's my mom's day. Um, I think I stuttered over my thank you, or who knows? I just, I know I felt dumb. I still feel dumb. Like I wish I could tell that car. Sorry, like I had hormones pumping through me. I don't know what I was thinking. And I'm telling you this because yes, I was very much a mother. I gave birth, I did all those things, but I still felt like someone's daughter first. So I looked, you know, to my mom like the day was about her. I don't know. I think it took me a minute to settle into that. Like, I'm the mom. I don't know. Did you feel like this? I realize now I still need my mom very much, but my kids need me so much. I don't think with a two-month-old, I recognized how much my kids would need me more as they grew. Like, am I making sense here? Did you feel like this or did you step right into it? Yeah, I don't know. I guess my first Mother's Day was the best because oh, I can remember all this stuff. The brunch. Justin got me like a really cute diaper bag. But I remember like feeling like it was my mom's day. In reality, it's all of our days, you know. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how many people are carrying something on this day. Well, every day, but this day can highlight it a little bit more. The ones who lost their moms, the ones who are becoming moms without theirs here, or maybe they're not in their life, the ones who are longing to be moms, the ones who have babies in heaven, the ones navigating complicated relationships with their mothers. Like none of this comes without some level of heartache. Like, none of it. And then on top of all of that, we have this version of Mother's Day that's just very like, I don't picture perfect. What's the word? Breakfast in bed, like the homemade cards. And listen, I love that stuff so much. I really do. I've had really beautiful Mother's Day, the ones where we celebrate each other and friendships and raising these kids together and being there for each other and the moms in our lives. And I've always felt super loved by everyone I need to feel loved by. But it's never just that. Like both things can hold true. There's always something sitting underneath it. Like nobody walks into a Mother's Day brunch and honors any of the loss that's like going on. I mean, at least what I've experienced. You don't walk into like a brunch. There's not these like things on your head saying, yeah, like I have three babies here, but I have, you know, two babies in heaven, or I have one baby, and I've, you know, we're trying to have another, but it's like not working. We smile sadly or encouraging to the motherless moms. And we give a look like, How are you doing? But people don't say that. It's a rare breed of ones that will say, Happy Mother's Day to your mom in heaven, or who made you? Who died? What about the grandma? Who made her? Are you lucky enough to still have your grandma here? Also, could we just talk about the Mother's Day we all really want? You can send this part to your husband if you want, just like tell him whatever clip minute marker we're at. Mother's Day is not the day that I want to manage the house. I run that house 364 days a year. Like we are the ones who know where everything is. We know where the red sippy cup is, we know what's in the fridge without even opening it, how to fix a scrape, how to get everyone out the door on time. We know what to do about the homework due tomorrow. We are on call all the time. And then Mother's Day, Sunday rolls around and it's like, what do you want to do today? Guess what, babe? I don't want to decide anything. I don't want to plan it. I don't want to host it. I don't want to make a meal. I don't want to figure out what to get your mom. And I certainly don't want to be running around to different places because that's what's expected of me. I think Mother's Day gets to be a little, like you get to be a little selfish. Not everybody will do that. I'm telling you, you can be a little selfish on Mother's Day because you're the mom too. And maybe that's the motherless part of me talking. But my mom, she would say the same thing. She's like, it's your day too, Megs. What do you want to do? It was my mom's birthday at the end of May, so we would always celebrate that together. Yeah. I wish she was here. I'm just like thinking, lost my trait of thought. But you are allowed to Mother's Day your way. Like any other day of the year, you could do what you want to do. I was reading something I wrote to my mom a couple years ago around the same time. And it hits differently this time because, you know, now I see her not just as my mom, but like as a as a mom. Like really seeing what she carried, the way she loved me, the way she showed up to literally everything. The things she probably felt when I was playing sports, the aches she had when I went off to college, or maybe I didn't come home for the weekend when I said I was going to. Like I read her cards over and over, and she's like, I miss you and can't wait to see you. And ugh, like she felt all those things at one time. And I know that. It's not like I've ever not known that, but I don't think you like really sit with those feelings because it's like you call and you're like, hey, mom, how long do I boil this pasta for? Like, you know, and she just always has the answer. Hey, mom, we got a low-grade fever over here. Um, like what how much like Motrin do I give? Like the like literally, and they always know. I mean, my mom always know. And you know, now I'm sitting here missing her in a way I didn't even know was possible. And it just makes me realize she was everything I hope I can be for my kids and more. If I could say something to her, and I'm probably gonna get emotional. But while I miss you endlessly, I thank you. I'm so thankful that you were my mom. And I wish all the time on the stars it's been a clear night the last couple nights, that you could just come sit with me for a minute. And in this space, we're together again, side by side, mother and daughter, the way it should be. And okay, because I love a rabbit hole, and it's fun to know where things started from. Mother's Day actually started because a woman named Anna Jarvis created it after her mother died, which feels very on point for this conversation that we are having. But what's kind of funny is it wasn't even really her idea. Her mom was basically like someone should make a day where moms are recognized for all the stuff they do. And her daughter made it happen after she passed away. And now here we are with brunch reservations and flower deliveries. It's kind of ironic when you think about it. So here's your reminder, you guys, to go buy some cards. Two and a half weeks, like I said, maybe place the flower deliveries you need to and gas your friends up, like your mom friends. There is never a better time than a Hallmark holiday, in my opinion, to send feel-good shit to your friends. Like your, like your favorite moms that are doing all the things, your favorite aunts, grandmas, et cetera. You get what I'm saying. And remember the moms before us. Like, we are only here because of them. Love travels for generations. Generations of women who did this, who showed up, who raised kids, who probably had no idea what they were doing half the time and still did it anyway. Like, we're the same. Sometimes I think I'm like, okay, I'm 39 years old. Like, what did my mom feel like when she was 39 years old? You know, like it hello, were we in the same stratosphere? I don't know. I can't can't ask her now, but it's not funny. It's not funny, but you know, I'm always gonna make a joke. Mother's Day makes you realize you're part of something you didn't start, but now you're caring. And I'll tell you, I mean, I think you already know this, but Mother's Day to me, with it coming up, it feels harder this year than the last few. I know someone whose mother is also not here, and she told me, and this was like a couple months ago, she's like, doesn't it all make you angry? You know, hearing people like, oh, I need to get something for my mom. She's like, Oh, must be nice, or I'm gonna, you know, go to dinner with my mom. And oh, wish I could do that. And honestly, when she told me that a little bit ago, I I don't think I felt the same way. I was like, oh yeah. But now I'm kind of there. Like I am angry. There's for sure anger that my mom isn't here with me. And if your mom isn't here, I'm sure you feel that way too. And if your mom doesn't show up for you the way that you need her to, you are also probably feeling a little bit of anger too. But on the other side of anger, it's just immense sadness. Sadness for what should be, for what isn't, what I'm longing for, and also gratitude of what I have. I'm gonna tell you something. Last year, a couple girlfriends and I got out of town for a few nights, and we are doing that again this year. Um, so for me, there's a little bit of avoidance of the day, but in a space where I can just be me and relax and recharge, and then I'll get home for Sunday and celebrate. Justin is really good at an over-the-top floral arrangement. Chloe will make a card that's honestly better than anything you can buy. And William will say something simple that somehow always just like hits my heart in the best way. But again, I just want to give you the permission to do what you want to do and how you're feeling, and you can like feel it and you can be so feel so lucky for your kids and all of that while also feeling sadness for someone who's not here, or how the day maybe looked in like your mind, and it's not that making sense. I'm kind of like rambling. When it comes to my mom, that relationship was never about one day. Every day felt like Mother's Day with her because she was the best mom ever. And I think what hits me now, you know, I've said this multiple times. It's not about these like big days. This this year's for sure hitting harder, but it's like the random moments. It's hearing someone say, Yeah, we're going to dinner at my mom's tonight, or yeah, I'm my mom and I are getting pedicures, or my mom's coming for the weekend, or I see grandmas and grandpas at kids' games. And that's the stuff that really gets me. I wish I still had that with my mom, like more than I could ever explain to you. So if you're going into Mother's Day feeling a lot of things, welcome to the club. You know, I always want to hear from you and sit with you in that space. If you're celebrating and grieving, that makes sense. If you're happy and hurting, that also makes sense. And if you're being celebrated while missing someone, I get it. I get it. And if you still have your mom here, I just hope you know how lucky you are. And no guilt, you guys. Just don't miss it. Don't miss the moments. Because if this has taught me anything, it's that what feels ordinary right now is actually it's everything. And maybe that's what Mother's Day really is. It's not just about celebrating moms, it's about realizing how much love exists around you and how much of it you're still carrying from your mom, from her mom, from generations of women who figured it out as they went and loved anyway. And now it's you. You're the one showing up, you're the one holding it together, you're the one creating that feeling for someone else. And that counts for more than you probably give yourself credit for. If this made you think of someone, just send it to them and DM me, navigating between the lines, send me your address, and I'll send you a mother's agram. Pinky promise. All right, I'll see you next time.