This month we discuss dating, love & sexuality from a siblings perspective with sibling Filmmaker, Relationship & Communication Coach and Creative Entrepreneur, Sheena Brevig.
Transcript of this episode
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This month we discuss dating, love & sexuality from a siblings perspective with sibling Filmmaker, Relationship & Communication Coach and Creative Entrepreneur, Sheena Brevig.
Transcript of this episode
Links mentioned in this episode:
Welcome to the sibling Leadership Network podcast. The sibling Leadership Network is a national nonprofit whose mission is to provide siblings of individuals with disabilities the information support and tools to advocate with their brothers and sisters and to promote the issues important to us and our entire families. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the sibling Leadership Network podcast. I am joined today by filmmaker relationship coach and creative entrepreneur Sheena Brevik. Today we will be discussing dating love and sexuality from a siblings perspective. Thank you for joining us today Sheena. Thank you so much for having me. So you may be wondering why we would choose to talk about dating with a filmmaker. Well, earlier this year, Sheena produced a video where she helped her brother navigate the dating world. If you go to YouTube and search for Buzzfeed dating with cerebral palsy, you'll find Sheena's amazing video where she tries to find a date for her brother Sean, who has cerebral palsy. Find a link in this episode's description. So I'm just going to dive right into it. Sheena, your website describes you as a creative entrepreneur, passionate about exploring the intersection of neuroscience and storytelling, who leverages art to increase dialogue in fight stigma around mental health, particularly for queer, Asian mixed race and disability communities. And you're also a relationship and Communication Coach, can you tell everyone a little bit about your work in how being a sibling has influenced your path? Yeah, thanks for that question. Man. That's it. This is kind of a it's almost like a life story question. Because I mean, being a sibling has influenced everything about who I am. And I think the choices I've made, I'll try to summarize it. But to begin, I actually went to I went to Tufts University, and I studied neuroscience, and I was pre med, I thought I was going to be a doctor. And a lot of that was influenced by my brother and my fascination with the idea that in his case, with cerebral palsy, there's a, you know, essentially a small piece of brain damage that totally affected everything in his life. And in his case, he's kind of very middle of the road, in terms of his abilities, and disabilities, but I just was so interested by the brain and by just what makes us human. And so I went on to study neuroscience. But along the way, I realized that my real passion was in storytelling. And I was like, Wait, I don't want to be a doctor, I want to be on Grey's Anatomy and play a doctor on TV. But a lot of that struggle, I think, really came from several aspects of my upbringing, you know, part of it was being raised, as I said, and then part of it was being raised as a woman in our society. And then a big part of it is that my, I'm half Japanese. And so I have a lot of Japanese culture in my life. And Japanese culture is also very much about kind of staying small and fitting in and kind of doing what you're supposed to do. And so my kind of own life journey has really been peeling back those layers, and trying to really discover who I am. And like, what do I really want in need. And I think this is a really common thing amongst a sibs, it's like, when we're raised in a dynamic where there's another sibling, in the family that tends to need more attention tends to need more support, we naturally become more independent, we naturally kind of learn to deal with our own stuff, right. And that is all really great when you have you know, maybe a parent who's overwhelmed or, you know, just kind of growing up, it's, it's kind of a survival thing. And, but then I realized that those aspects of people pleasing, and kind of thinking I had to do everything on my own. They really hindered me in my adult life. And in my adult relationships, I really found that I didn't know how to express my needs or wants at all. And I think that's where I really turned to acting and storytelling, was that I felt like I could express all these kind of, you know, what we consider dark emotions, you know, anger, things I felt I couldn't express about my brother, or about my situation. Because who, you know, I felt like Who was I like, I my legs work? Great. I'm a dancer for goodness sake. Like, what do I have to complain about? But then, you know, learning that it's not about comparison It's not about, you know, who has it worse or better or whatever it's like your your feelings are valid, your experiences are valid. And I think it took going into acting and becoming an actor to start even seeing all that, that I needed to work through and myself. And that kind of catapulted me into my own self self development and mental health journey. And then I learned that I had anxiety, and that I'd been dealing with anxiety my whole life. And so with this kind of my own self growth and self development journey, that's actually kind of how I started coaching was just that I threw myself into trying to understand why I had such anxiety, how to cope with it, why I wasn't happy when like on paper, I was like, Why should I be happy? You know, I'm very privileged, I, you know, all these things. But I wasn't because I wasn't really being authentic to who I was and who I am. So I joke that I had to come out three times, because I am queer, and an artist, and I have mental health things, I have anxiety. And each of those kind of coming outs were these big moments for me, where I almost felt like I could exhale, and be like, Oh, okay, this is who I am. This is a part of me. And so I share kind of this long story with you. That's really broad, because all of that really informs whites so important to me to be a storyteller, because media and seeing these types of stories. You know, I didn't have those growing up. I didn't see a mixed race, queer femme, that was navigating who she was in this world, with multiple cultures, like, you know, Hollywood wasn't there yet. And now we're starting to get there. And, and that's a whole other conversation about, you know, the work I want to do there. But there's that. And then there's my coaching. And it's, it's really turned into this amazing thing where I, you know, over the years, accumulated enough resources and tools and knowledge that now I'm able to support others who are going through things that I went through. Nice. Very cool. Thank you for sharing. That's awesome. Um, so yeah, I did I did I cover everything. Yeah, I think so. And if you have more despair at any point, please. Okay. Well, yeah, I think all of that is just to say that, um, yeah, I really credit my sibling identity, to being to playing a really big role and all of that. Nice. Um, so what in specific led you to wanting to help Shawn get out into the dating world? And what reservations as a sibling did you have about stepping in and helping out? Did you have any fears about starting the process? And how did you overcome them? Yeah, so with my brother, Sean, if you watch the YouTube video, you'll get a good idea of kind of what he's like in terms of his abilities. And, and you can see that, in most ways, he's a regular 27 year old dude, he actually just turned 27. So, you know, he's like, he wants to hang out with his friends, he wants to go out drinking he wants to date. Like, that's been a big thing that he's wanted for years. And, in his case, it's harder, we've found that it's kind of harder for him to connect, because, like growing up and being in school, you know, he was in special ed, and the people in his class, he was a little bit ahead of, in some ways, and then but then kind of the, you know, the mainstream kids, he was a little bit delayed, so he kind of was stuck in this middle zone, where he couldn't find many people that could he could really connect to, in the ways that he wanted. And so this is just kind of been a big theme for him and in the way that I think it is for everyone. You know, we all want to feel love, and we want to be loved and express love. And you know, luckily Sean is a really positive happy go lucky guy. I, you know, I there's a lot of lessons that I've learned from him in terms of just letting things go and being in the moment because he's pretty darn good at just like, you know, doing that. But anyway, so, as a filmmaker, I had an opportunity to work on a project with BuzzFeed and I had expressed to a friend who works there that you know, this is a topic I'm interested in exploring something with my brother and and being a sieve and kind of this dynamic, but I really didn't want it to be about him having a disability, I just wanted that to be a part of the story. And then, you know, as I was talking to my brother, and whatnot, it, it just kind of seemed like this would be a fun project that also benefited my brother and allowed us to kind of explore this thing that he's been wanting to explore. Um, so, I mean, that's kind of how that project came to be. And yeah, I definitely had hesitations, or reservations, you know, it's, the Internet can be a brutal world. And the disability community is very vocal. And there's just a lot of different opinions even within the disability community. So as a filmmaker, I'm always thinking about representation, and accurate, authentic representation. So that was all, you know, a big thing on my mind, from the storyteller perspective. And then, you know, as a sister, it's like, you my baby brother, I adore him, I loved him, I want to protect him, I want nothing but to protect him. And that's been my journey of being like, Okay, well, I can't just like, you know, be a helicopter parent to him. And with dating, it's just yeah, you kind of have to let people spread their wings, and stumble and fall. And, you know, if I could just be interviewing every single person all the time, I totally would. But like, I also have been very grateful, and also very aware of having my own life and making sure that I don't take on his things that I don't feel like I want to, you know, that boundary is something that I, I always have to kind of check in with myself about. Yeah, with, with having fears, starting the process. I mean, it just kind of seemed like a good opportunity. I had some support from BuzzFeed in terms of creating the video and reaching out to people. So trying to spread the word, but it was really, really hard. And to find people, even, you know, I had, I had a team behind me helping me search for these dates that I was setting my brother up on. And I still had such a hard time finding people. So but the thing was, because of the opportunity, I kind of was like, let's just, let's just do it. Let's just jump in. And, and my brother also has been, like, wanting to, you know, make up make a movie with me, because I'm in film, and you know, he wants to do a project with me. So it was also a nice opportunity for us to do something that he's really been wanting to do together. You Yeah. Nice. Cool. So, for any sibling kind of just starting this journey, do you have any resources or just advice that you can recommend for? Yeah, anybody considering just helping get that started for their sibling? You know, the, the resources thing is tricky. Because I, you know, you can Google stuff for, you know, dating with disabilities. And there, there are some dating sites out there. There are some apps, it seems like a lot of them are paid. And not a lot of people are on them. So, you know, I think this is probably a roadblock that most most of us in this kind of position have have hit. I used to work as a one on one with a woman have Down syndrome as kind of just staff and support staff. And I learned so much from that job, because the whole organization that I worked for, it was really about how do we support these individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities? How do we support them to live the most independent and full life that they can write and this means treating them like full grown adult humans who, you know, like, if, if someone wanted to go get a beer, you take them to go get a beer, you know, of course, within reason, and you're making sure everyone's safe and it's legal and all of that, or, like, for example, you know, wanting to go like if someone like one of the clients that I didn't work with, but you know, he wanted to go to a strip club. And so the staff supported him in that as you know, like, it's like, you know, the thing is, everyone is everyone was human, has desires and needs and most people have sexual needs and sexual desires and romantic needs and romantic desires. And I think keeping in mind you know, really talking to your sibling about what what are they looking for, because some people might just want a cuddle buddy, someone might want someone to get married to like, there's such a range of what relationships can Be. So I think, I guess step one is really talking to your sibling. Because it's so easy, I know for myself to want to interject with my opinions of who this person should be, and, and what they should be like. And, you know, at the end of the day, it's not, it's not about, it's not up to me or my wants or needs. For him. It's what my brother wants and needs. And then I think, going back to my, my previous job, I was mentioning, what I loved about this particular client I worked with Is she really had a framework, supported by her family, where she was really in a community. And she was able to participate in you know, like acting classes, and just things that definitely were, you know, related to having privilege, there was definitely an element of that. But there are community spaces and organizations out there for people with, you know, intellectual and developmental disabilities. So I think part of it is also seeking out those spaces where people can meet new people. And that's like, my man might be the hilight on with my brother, because I'm like, you have to go out in person because he's like, I just want to meet people on Tik Tok and Instagram, like, Okay, that's great. But like, that also leads to lots of robots, which we're discovering, and not real people or scammers, which is a whole other, you know, scary thing. So, I guess, you know, it's really tuning into what are the resources available for you and your sibling? You know, what's your sibling looking for? And what are they willing to do to kind of explore this? Thanks. Yeah, that's sound advice. Thank you. So I'm sure a lot of people who have already seen the video are asking themselves like, so how is Shawn doing? Is he still dating? Is he continuing to get out there? If so, how has your support role in the process changed if at all over time? Yeah, so Shawn has, in the beginning, there were still some people that were kind of replying to the, I guess, kind of like posting about, you know, looking for a date for him. And, but no one kind of sparked his interest. So I still kind of played the messenger, I guess, of, you know, being like, hey, what about this person, and, and the funny thing was, um, he, he is he loves to draw, and my mom helped him print some of his drawings on to T shirts. And we talked about this in the video. So he has some tricks that he sells. And they're these really fun characters. And, you know, it's really very creative. Almost like Picasso, he. But what happened was that actually a lot of people started buying his church. So then he, yeah, and so which is great. And so he kind of then got focused on the short selling part, and kind of was, like less interested in these virtual dates. I think part of it is that's the other thing, right? Is it's virtual. And that makes it harder to engage, and, you know, harder to kind of really connect. And so I think while we're still kind of in these COVID times, he's been a little bit more just focused on selling shirts. Yeah. But I guess I think I, it feels like my role has definitely been, I guess, I don't know, it takes up less of my time, right to kind of weed through people that are reaching out. But now it's more of navigating just the internet space with him. That's kind of become a whole other battle. I guess. That? Yeah, pretty trending right now. So it really is. And it's not something that I was that conscious of in terms of, like, the specifics with which I've had to my parents, you know, give us had to talk to my brother about what to say what not to say what to do, what not to do. You know what information you can give to people it's there's so much nuance that we are all you know, we all kind of pick up naturally when we don't have disabilities that kind of effect that type of reasoning. And so there have been conversations that we've had to have where it's like, Man, I really didn't think I had to have that conversation with you. But here we are. Yeah, and so you know, that's, that's a space that is so new To write relative to just life, that there's a there's a lot that needs to still be addressed in terms of Internet safety. Yeah. As you mentioned, for some people, the point of dating is leading to a fulfilling romantic relationships, sexual experiences, and in some cases, even marriage. These are all huge considerations. So let's start with relationships. What advice or resources? Would you have to share to talking about your sibling about a relationship and how to get there? Man? That's a great question. So a lot of the work I do as a relationship coach is focused around communication. And so I guess I'll just harp on that where it's, you know, like, really, really explicitly talking about things I think, is really important. In general, like, we really like to assume we know what someone's thinking. And that often gets people in trouble, because there's misunderstandings and then, you know, suddenly you're fighting with your partner about who's gonna clean the dishes, when that like, wasn't even the big issue. So I think all with our siblings, if there's, especially if there's developmental delay, it's so important to be really explicit. And really clear, I think about what being in a relationship can look like, kind of going back to talking to them about what they want, what they're looking for. I think that it's, you kind of have to break it down for your sibling, you know, and I think a sibs are really good at that. Right? We we've, most of us have had to learn how to really simplify things and break them down in a step by step process, when most people kind of like don't really think about it. So So I guess, you know, depending on where your sibling is at, and what their needs are, like a lot of it's patience and being being willing to talk about the uncomfortable stuff to face. Yeah. Speaking of uncomfortable, the next one is the big awkward one. For most siblings, sex. A lot of siblings are lucky enough to have parents or therapists or other support staff who can address this topic with our siblings. However, some of us have to just dive in and talk to our siblings about it ourselves. Have you ever had to have this conversation? And what advice might you have with for any sibling who's preparing to have that conversation with their sibling with a disability? Yeah, um, I have been lucky in that my parents have mostly tackled the really awkward sex conversations. But I've also kind of been a part of them at times. I mean, again, I think part of it is being explicit. You know, we, we don't like to say words like penis and vagina. Like, it makes everyone giggle. But like, nobody, you know, sex that is so awful in general in just like regular education, but most people with IDD actually aren't even included in sex ed. Yeah. Right. And so I actually just came across a video series that is specifically talking about sex. And it's kind of like a mini sex ed course. That is by people with IDD. And for people's it is really great. And I will have to find out where that is and get that to you. I think, you know, yeah, I think it's the one by startech and AUCD. We have it up on sibling leadership.org In our self advocacy resources page, towards the bottom. I will put a link to that in the episode description as well. Amazing, amazing. Yes, you already have it great. Yeah, I mean, that video series, I felt like was just really well done. broke things down, didn't make it shameful. Like, that's a big thing is, you know, people, people feel awkward talking about sex, and it can make people feel defensive, or, you know, shame people around certain things. And I think they do such a good job of just explaining things as they are. And so I guess that yeah, that would be my recommendation is maybe watch that with a sibling or you know, tell them to watch it and you watch it separately and then you can kind of have a conversation about any questions they have. Because there's a just from a research perspective with media. There's a lot more integration that can happen when you can process. It's called co viewing, right? With children, it's often viewed as parent and children co viewing. And when you're a parent, and you can watch something with your child and talk about it, it really helps them integrate the lessons. And I think that applies with, you know, our siblings as well. Yeah, my sister is actually currently watching that series with her therapist, and she's thoroughly enjoying it. So that's awesome. I can't recommend it highly enough. Um, so let's go into that last bit. Let's talk about marriage. Have you ever imagined your brother getting married? As a sibling of a person with a disability? How do you think we process the idea of marriage differently than most people? And how does this impact how we support our siblings who want to pursue a marriage? That's, I think, a very deep question. And, yeah, I think, you know, it makes me emotional to talk about because, like I've said, my brother's always wanted to date. And he has always expressed, wanting those things that we kind of, as a society, deem as these milestones, right? You know, as someone in the queer community, marriage is less of a thing that is kind of as it's there's, there's a lot of normalcy around just being partnership partners for life, right without having to put the patriarchal stamp on it. So I also have kind of an interesting lens with that, but at the same time, I was, you know, I was raised straight, as most of us are. So I still have a lot of kind of, you know, ideas of marriage, for myself, and I'm still really kind of trying to break down what that means for me and my relationship. And I really, I hope that my brother find someone that he can be with, and whether that's marriage, or just a life partner, or just dating a lot of different people. But you know, it's like, I want him to have that connection. And I really hope he gets to experience that one day. And it is kind of a bittersweet thing to think about, because I don't know if that will happen for him. And I think it's a lot easier. You know, if you have a friend who's single, and they're like, I'm so I'm still single, and you know, it's easy to be like, Oh, you'll find someone and, and, and I do believe that, like, I really do trust that like, you will find someone. But, you know, if I'm being real with you, sibling to sibling, like, it's hard to think about, like, maybe that's not in the cards for him? I don't know. So, you know, I know, people with a couple who has, they both have Down syndrome, and they're married, and they are pretty dependent. And so, you know, for the most part, they are doing the, quote, normal thing around marriage. And I think that's really possible for lots of different people with varying disabilities. And I think it's kind of one of those things where, I guess, I haven't had, I haven't yet had to talk about what the commitment of marriage means, right? Like, I'm even still thinking about that for myself. So I've, I have yet to, like fully process that for my brother. But I guess, you know, it just kind of depends on, you know, and the legal part I don't even know much about in terms of like legally if, if someone who is a dependent gets married, like, you know, who's in charge of what? So I guess, step one for me, like, I'll just give myself some advice would be like understanding that. And then, you know, saying, like, how does marriage fit in? Is it about the piece of paper? Or is it about the act of you know, celebrating someone's love? Is it more about just like having a reception, a marriage type ceremony? I don't know. So I guess part of that is like, choose, get to choose your own adventure. And you know, if your sibling find someone that they want to commit to these two in these ways, like, see what that looks like, see if that makes sense for you know, all the people who have to support as well. And I think you have to go from there. Makes sense? Yeah. Thank you. Um, so what impact might being part of the LGBTQ A plus community or being a person of color have on dating for our siblings with disabilities? And what comments? Can you share with any siblings who are making that part of their dating conversation? Being Part of the queer community. And being a person of color for me, has greatly been a part of just my learning about myself and my self expression, as I've mentioned earlier, and I think that, and I don't know, because like I'm thinking about some people with disabilities, that I know who like really don't give a crap. Like who you love, right? Like, I feel like, there's so much less judgement, I feel so much less judgement, when I'm amongst people with various disabilities, like, they're just like, yeah, yeah, you're you. I'm me, I'm this way, I'm different in these ways, and you're you and you're different in those ways, and doesn't really matter. But I guess part of it is like, there's an extra layer of social conditioning, and things like that, that we have to fight through when we are queer, at least for one. Since we live in a very heteronormative world, and then being a person of color, I think that's always a part, you know, it's usually a more apparent part of someone's identity, and one that is kind of been integrated in their life, probably their whole lives. I guess the big thing is, if you don't identify as part of the LGBTQI plus community, and your sibling does, being sensitive to that, to what that means, and not assuming that you know, what their experiences, right? I mean, I think that can be said with everything is like, we as the sibs tend to feel like we know ourselves the best, which we often do. But that doesn't mean that we know what's best, even though I like to think that. And I think it really is just important to, to come in with an open mind and really talk to yourself and try and understand what their experience is, and see how you can best support that. Nice. Alright, so lastly, just to kind of wrap everything up, in your opinion, how can we as siblings do a good job of supporting our siblings love life? In balancing our own life? What advice would you have to any sibling feeling a little burnt out on dating or considering just giving up on love? Oh, yeah, I mean, like I mentioned earlier, that boundary of, you know, self care and, and doing the things I need to for myself and, and helping out, my sibling, my brother, it's when I, it really ebbs and flows for me. And I think a lot of that comes down to me getting to know myself a lot better, me learning how to tune in, and, you know, feel like, I can recognize where my anxiety is coming from if I'm experiencing anxiety. And I really like this idea I was, I was working with a client recently, and we were talking about this imagery of having thick boundaries, right. So it's kind of like, it's, I think we often think of a boundary, it's like this like line that you just like, you can go a centimeter too far, and then you've just crossed it. But instead of having this kind of image of this, like thick, almost like cushy boundary, where there's room to ebb and flow, where it's like, sometimes, you know, you might be able to give more, and support your sibling more. And then there might be a season where you really have to focus on yourself. And that's okay. And that's so important. Because, you know, we hear this all the time of like, you can't support other people and until you help yourself, but like, I heard that my whole life, I had no idea what that really meant for the longest time. But now that I actually understand what that looks like, it really is so important. Like I, I just get frustrated with my brother and I get snappy with my brother, if I'm not aligned with myself. And so those are signals to me like, okay, okay, hold on, like, maybe take a step back, like, go tune in, check in with yourself, do what you need to do do the self care. And then and let him know, like, in my case, I'm like, you know, Hey, buddy, like, I am really just busy right now. Like, let's circle back to this next week, like, can you give me a call next week about this specific thing, we'll talk about it then. And then some days, it's like, you know, we're talking more daily or whatever it is. A big thing is really learning how to tune into yourself and recognize when your boundary is being close to being crossed. And and thinking about how do you set up thick boundaries, like in my case, I don't live in the same city as my brother. So it's not a thing where he can just like come over or something like that. So that it's more about, you know, if he's calling all the time, I don't pick up every time things like that, you know, it's like it's so funny because they feel like such simple things. But they really are big and when you're used to picking up the phone every time because something might be wrong or whatever it is. It's hard. It's hard to make those shifts. But if you feel like you are So this is a little bit of another question. But if you as the sieve are feeling burnt out, you know, definitely find ways you know, work with a coach, work with a therapist, to make sure that you have the tools to kind of come back to your center. So that then you're able to support your said, and then in terms of our sibs feeling burnt out on dating or considering giving up on love. I think that's such a hard place, right? It's like I've seen just in a brief period, you know, my brother, still very young. But dating has been hard for him. And so I think it's less about just like giving up on love or whatnot. But I think in those times, that's where you tune in Word, or you tune to your turn to your community. Right? It's like, we all really just want to experience love and belonging. And, yes, it's wonderful when when we can find like a life partner, or something like that. And again, I'm also speaking in very monogamous terms, which made us that's a whole other conversation to go to non monogamy or ethical non monogamy, but just want to count, you know, that asterisk there, but but, you know, we want to experience love and belonging, and we think that that has to come from a romantic partner, but it doesn't. I'm not saying that people don't deserve that. I think everyone does, if they want it. But we also can give so much to ourselves. And that's a lot of the work that I've had to do. And I continue to do for myself, and the work that I do with, within my relationship coaching, where it's like, you know, we often turn outwards, for things to fill to fill the holes in us, when really, we should be filling those for ourselves. So maybe, you know, if you are feeling burnt out or feeling like given up, you just take a break, just take some time away from focusing your energy into dating, if that doesn't feel like it's giving you results that you want, and turn towards you know, what are your hobbies that you love? What really lights you up? what friends do you have that you can spend time with Thor, you know, and COVID safely, of course, and these times? And, you know, I think coming back to how do you give yourself love can really, I think, recharge us right? And then at some point, you might be like, oh, you know what, I feel ready to try dating again. And I also have that experience where as soon as I finally feel like I've stopped focusing on something right where I'm like, I've been trying to date and not happening so fine. I'm gonna, I'm gonna finally give up. And then some something comes along. Right. So it's like, I feel like that's such a common thing where you're finally ready to just like not give something any energy, and then it just pops up into your life. So I guess, yeah, I think maybe it's just a balancing act of giving yourself that self love and then taking a break and coming back to it just when it feels right for you. Nice. Yeah, that's great advice. Thank you so much. So all the resources that you've mentioned today, I will make sure to put into the episode description, as well as a link to our COVID Resources page so that you can get out there and be safe. Sheena, it has been an absolute pleasure. Very awesome. Thank you so much for joining us today. This has been a great conversation. Thank you so so much for having me and thank you for having this conversation. We need more conversations like this. So thank you. Find resources, tools and information about the sibling experience on sibling leadership dot board. The sibling Leadership Network is a nonprofit and we rely on support from our audience. Find the donation button on our homepage and contribute to the ever growing sibling movement.