Grief is Weird

On our first episode back after a long break, we talk about where we’ve been and why the podcast took a break. We share a bit about what life has looked like behind the scenes lately. Hanan opens up about losing her dad to cancer and what the grieving process has been like for her.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

It's been a minute.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

It has.

SPEAKER_01 0:02

It's been like several minutes.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Yeah, I'm feeling really rusty. Yeah, me too. I don't know how to act anymore. I mean, whatever, you're here.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

I don't know how to act. I don't know how to act with everything that's going on in the world.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Dude, 2026 has entered with a bang.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

When was the last time we sat together like this?

SPEAKER_00 0:19

November 2025. And it's March now. Anyway, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:22

I am, I'm doing okay. I am doing okay. It's funny when people ask that question because I'm like, I don't really think you realize what that question means. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Okay, so tell tell our viewers and our listeners.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

For everybody that's listening, everybody that's watching, I know it's been, we've been gone for a while. And thanks for everybody that still continued to engage with like our Instagram and our TikTok. I know we haven't posted anything in a while, but um sadly, on the first day of this year, I lost my father. So that's been a very um, it's been a very interesting time. I don't know what else to call it. Um he wasn't, it was very fast. It was very, very fast. It was very unexpected. Um, and so that's why I say like this year, like New Year's Day, like entered with a bang.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Not in a good way. Not like not like a good kind of bang. But yeah, but that's kind of like, you know, why that's where I've been. Yeah. Where have you been?

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Are we just gonna like no? We're gonna talk about it. You can't just throw it to me now. We're gonna talk about it. I mean, I had an excuse. You had an excuse. Yeah, well, you know, with everything that's happening uh in the world, my busy too. Yeah, my job has just been insane. Yeah. Okay. Um, but are you like, do you want to talk at all about your grief? Like how you've helped have you how you've handled that.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

I mean, honestly, we're it like I don't know why people say, like, oh, you know, you know, how are you doing? I don't know. I'm doing. That's literally my response usually is I'm doing. Some days are great, some days are not so great. Um, and when I say not so great, it's not because like, oh, you're like a mess and you're crying. And some days you're like that. You know, there was one day I remember I was out with my sister, my sister-in-law, um, some of our friends, and my sister sent me a picture of my dad with my oldest son, and I just started crying. I was having a great up until then, it was totally fine. Yeah, and then my sister goes, She's like, Well, I'm sorry I ruined your life today.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

But she said, I'm sorry I ruined your life.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yeah, she's like, Well, or hurt my evening or something, which is fine. But it I don't look at it as that. I think it's just you don't really know what each day is gonna bring, and you just hope that you're like, Okay, it's gonna be fine. There are days that it's weird, like you don't even think about it. Not you don't think about it, but it's not like at the forefront of your mind, if that makes sense. Yeah, and there are other days that that's like the very, very first thing in all of your thoughts all day long. But I will tell you on the whole, I read this, I had a friend send me something. Um, and it was like such a nice way to put it. And it said, in the barazah, which is like that space between between, yeah. In between um, what is it called in English? This world and the I mean like purgatory. No, it's not purgatory, it's purgatory is negative. It's the barazah, right? It's the barazah, which like in Islam is the is the space between where we're living and where and the next.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

If you miss somebody here, like if I'm thinking about my dad and I miss him, it means that in the barazah, he's thinking about me too.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Which I thought was really cool.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you know, Amar Islam had a whole thing last Ramadan, like this Ramadan, which was really I learned a lot from that.

SPEAKER_01 3:23

Yeah, it was really nice.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

So I thought that was like that was, but other than that, honestly, it's just like But how are you handling with all the responsibilities you have, you know, with work, family, you know, home life? Like, how are you like is it is it like does it just are certain things like triggering where the grief is, you know?

SPEAKER_01 3:40

You know, like the funny thing about grief, guys, is like you don't know what triggers you. You really don't know what triggers you. There are days when you're like, like I said, you're doing great, everything is fine, and then something hits you and it's like so strange and it feels like you're can't breathe and you're gonna suffocate. And then other days you're okay, but there's really no um, there's really no rhyme or reason for how it works. Yeah, you just kind of deal with it and some until one day you're I don't think you ever become okay. No, I don't know if that's the right word, but I think it's like you find ways to cope.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

Yeah, you find ways to cope. That's good.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

So it really depends on like, you know, like the the the I don't know, the ups and downs, it's a journey. Like somebody once told me grief is a journey. Like, be prepared, strap in, lock in because that's it. Like you're not going anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

So yeah, I do, I did like I will say there's like I had a lot of like interesting moments. Like after, you know, we had the we had the prayer, and then we did the funeral, like the burial, and the next day we had like the funeral. Um, you know, like the Aza. People come to give their condolences. And then I had friends who were like, Can we come see you afterwards? I was like, No. Yeah, no. You know what?

SPEAKER_00 4:48

The speaking of that, you know, I wasn't even here.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

I was in Ohio. Yeah, I was in Ohio. And the I told you, like, the funny part is I get a random text message from someone, and we both know this person, and they're like, Is Hana's that okay? And I'm like, and I'm thinking she's telling me, hey, you know, like, like she found out he wasn't, you know, he's sick and whatever. And I'm like, Yeah, you know, like he's just having some health issues. And she's like, No, did you see the Facebook message that her mom posted? And I'm just like, What? So I get in and I call you, and you're like, I was just about to call you. And you were like, what shocked me is that I think I don't know, maybe it hadn't hit you. I don't know, you can talk on that, but like you were so like, what's the word? You weren't okay with what's happening, obviously, but you were so like pragmatic about it. I don't know. Like, I mean, is that is that the right word?

SPEAKER_01 5:39

I mean, there's really no other way to be. Yeah. There is other ways to be, but at the same time, it's like, I feel like everybody deals with things differently. I'd already cried a lot. Yeah. And it's not like you can't cry again, but there's just I don't I don't know. It's like when you have an accident, and sometimes people are like, you know, you walk up to the scene and somebody's like, and then other people are like, it's gonna be okay. You know, it's you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. It's whatever everybody behaves in a way. Everyone's different.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Yeah, everyone, everyone's really different. Everyone is really, really different. Like literally that happened, and then I was supposed to leave Ohio. Yeah. Like the day, not the day after the day, like, so this happened Friday, I remember. Uh, and then I was coming back Sunday, and you guys had like the the funeral and all of the stuff, and like your mom kept asking, Where's Lena? Right?

SPEAKER_01 6:31

She was like, Where's Lena? I'm like, Where's Lena? Well, because your husband was like with us the entire year.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And um, apparently other people were asking, because like they were asking, I'm judged, not just you, where's your wife? Where's Lena? You know? And I'm just like, God and fadahead. It's just like, guys, I'm not like Can't somebody be with their mother?

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Like, I felt so bad. And Lena has like limited time that she spends with her mom. And so, you know, and she already had her own stuff going on, and she needed to be there with her mom and kind of you know and hence like guys, I'm okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

Like, we're good. Me and like I think people were looking for some kind of like I don't even I don't even know if they're looking for anything.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

I think I think everyone's just like, where is this person?

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Yeah, it's like how could this person not be here, right?

SPEAKER_01 7:08

I mean, everybody has everybody has life. Like that's it, everybody has life, and it's okay. And I'm telling you, like, I had some wonderful friends who were willing to hop on a flight. We're trying to plan a weekend, we want to come see you, want to come see you, because that's what they thought. But I was just after that, I was like, I just need I don't want to do that. Yeah, no, I don't even want to be alone, I just don't want to do that. Yeah, I don't want to do that. We already finished this the Saza part of things. Like, I don't want to do that. Like, I'm good. I'm so good. Yeah. I mean so yeah, it's just like it is but yeah, it's funny that you say pragmatic. It's not that at all. I think you're just you get to a point where you're like, okay, there is I the the first I don't know, in like the when somebody passes, and I I'm not I'm gonna talk about myself because I don't know how other people deal, obviously. I feel like you need time to absorb what's happening, and everything happens so fast, so fast, so fast that you're you don't really get to absorb any of this or sit with any of your feelings until much later when you realize you're like, oh, I have to go visit my dad, and I'm like, oh, I have to go visit my dad at the cemetery. Holy shit. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, there's that. And so I think it like your feelings, I don't know, it's weird. Like you process them much later. So I think you cry again, yeah, but like just later. I don't know how else to say it. No, I get it.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

So much later. I think I think in certain moments in your life, like your everyday life, just some things like maybe like pop up in your head, or like you're thinking of him, or something happens, and then you're like Yeah, that happens a lot actually.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Yeah, and then you're like, oh man, I like really miss this thing. And you know, I I like you know, you you think you think about them in like very fine details of like everyday life. And like I said, some days you're just like that's all you think about, and then other days, I'm not saying you never think, like, I don't think I've gone a single day without being like, oh man, you know, he would have called me out this time, or we've talked about X, Y, and Z. But I think some days it's like your grief just like overwhelms you, and then other days you're like, I'm totally fine. Like it's a very but I would say overall, like people ask me, How are you doing? I'm like, I'm doing. You're doing, I'm doing. Yeah, and and that's that's that's good enough. That's it. Yeah, that's I like what you say. Yeah. My favorite is somebody says, I'm really sorry about your dad, I'm like, I'm really sorry too. Which usually makes people laugh. But I am, I'm really sorry. Absolutely, you know, it's it's uh usually that reaction you had is like, you know. But and the thing is, like, I think people it's really hard, right? Like, I've had a lot of friends who've lost a parent, right? Like Lena. Yes, right? So you don't really know what to say. It's really an awkward situation. Yeah, it's really hard because there are things that were, you know, like you're like, you know, Al-Baqalilla, you know, uh just you know, we hope this Allah has mercy on this person. There's all of these things that you can say, but that's like you don't really know actually how to help this person feel better. You know what I mean? So I always But what has helped?

SPEAKER_00 10:11

So that's what I wanted to ask. Like, what what's the best thing to do in that situation? Like, you know, how do you how do you deal with that?

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Give that person a hug and be quiet. Yeah, that's that's just just be quiet, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Or or just see, like, kind of follow their lead on stuff because there are people people handle grief differently and people very differently.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

A lot of times people are like, you know, they're about to have like full-on panic attacks. Other times people are like, I'm good, just let me, I'm I'm good.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

I mean, I went to work, I went back to work three days later. Yeah, that was and when I went back to work, they're like, Are you sure? I'm like, I'm fine, I don't want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Can we just yeah, like people, people handle it differently. Yeah, I mean, I I that was like the end of like winter break. And so I went back to work on that Monday. Kids went back to school, everything, right? But it's just you I don't know. I think you just listen. There are, and there are people who like won't talk about it because they don't like to talk about it, and that's fine. Then there are people like me, and that's all they did to talk about it, and it's okay. And I think everybody handles it differently, right? So it depends on it depends on like, I don't know. I guess you know your that person best in your life, if it's like your friend, if it's your partner, if it's whatever. And then there are other days where like, you know, sometimes you're just like mad and you're like, I'm just angry today, and you can't really figure out why. And you're like, oh well, I'm kind of mad that, you know, this person died. Yeah. And it like, and it's weird. I don't know how else to explain it, but it really is like this big ball of emotions, and there are days where where it's totally okay, and then there are days where I'm just like mad at life, at the world, and then there are the days where you know I'm just like my regular self. So I like it's weird.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

So I think I think um I think all of those emotions, yeah, it's like totally uh expected.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Yeah, you know, and and here's the thing, right? Like I don't I can't tell. And like I said, it's weird. Like I and I and the reason I when somebody tells me I'm sorry about your dad, you know, I say I'm sorry too. It because I feel like I feel for that other person. Because I know that I've been in that situation and you really don't know what to say. You just wanna, you know, you just wanna be like, I'm here for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Yeah. And I mean, that's what I kept telling you. Yeah. Like, like, I what do you want me to do? What do you need from me? And because like I know, like people handle it differently. Yeah, I was like, okay, and and we're close enough where I know you're gonna be honest with me. Yeah, yeah. Like if you told me like half off, I want to be left alone, I'll leave you alone. Like, you know, it's perfectly fine, you know. But like that's the thing, and and it depends on the relationship you have with that person.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

No, and it's just like, and it's and it's funny because there are people who like you know, um like our friend Miriam. I've known I've I've known Miriam all my life. I love Miriam so much. Miriam, when she found out that my dad passed away, she called my sister and she's like, I'm getting in the car and I'm coming to my parents' house. Yeah. And she's just like she was just there. And I don't think she realizes like that. That's like, yeah, like you don't know what to do, but at the same time, you're like just being there. Yeah, it's like it's yeah, so you know, forever, yeah, forever, forever grateful. Yeah, and then like I'm glad like And my sister-in-law Yasmin, who I keep saying my sister-in-law, but she really liked my sister. Same thing, she's just like showed up, and it's funny. We have this one other friend, Iman. So it was funny because we're sitting there and uh my sister goes, gosh, I wish Iman was here. And lo and behold, Iman's like at the door, but in true Iman fashion, she had been knocking on the neighbor's door for like 10 minutes. She came over, but she uh doesn't your parents. This is my parents' house. She doesn't mean to provide comic relief, but she does present, just does, and comic relief in a good way. Like it's just she has this one wonderful presence where she's like calming and she's she's just I don't even know how to explain it, but it's just she provides you the best type of comic relief. And I like every like we needed that without knowing.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

I think every every everybody needs someone like her, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Yeah, she's she's wonderful, but yeah, I mean it was but I think having them there, even just in the hustle and bustle of the mess of all of these things, um, it was just so so nice. It was so nice for them to be there, right? My in-laws were obviously there.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

I mean, uh my husband was there and he he took care of things for me and for him. Yeah, like you know, he represented you wouldn't people say that? I'm like, it's not about that, it's not about that. I'm just feeling like it's like such an Arab thing to say. No, no, but so I'm glad at least one of us was there. Like, I felt really bad about that. And then, like, you know, Deanna called me, she's like, Oh my god, I'm sick. I'm like, girl, don't go. Yeah, she was like, I'm gonna go, I was like, please keep your germs. She's warning she had like this horribly infectious stomach bug. And no, and she's like, I'm like, listen, I'm telling you, I don't know. She's like, I can come. I was like, please don't come. No, I was like, just text Hanan or call her, but like I'm telling you. I was like, I can't have grief and diarrhea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one, no one needs that. No one needs that or wants that. Um grief, diarrhea and an upsuck stomach. No, thank you. Yeah. I said upsuck stomach.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Upset stomach. Because that was that was like kind of like, you know, Rika, that's sort of, you know, and then after after you go through something like this, you really have like no motivation for anything.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Exactly. And this is why we've been, I mean, like, listen, there's no excuse for me. I mean, it's not a good thing. But like like everything else that's happening, but like you had I think we we tried like a month ago. Yeah. Or a month and a half ago. I came the before it I'm not done.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Lena was like, we'll do something. And I'm and then Lena came, I was like, I don't want to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

I had all the equipment and the gear and stuff. And she's like, I don't want to do anything. I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Yeah, I was I like I just I don't I don't want to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

I don't want to do anything. And you know, and I truly like this. I enjoy doing this because I really do, I don't feel like we're talking to camera. I feel like we're actually talking to people. And I love that, right? Yeah. But then you're at a time and you're just like, I'm not my best self. Do I really want to share that with everybody?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

I don't know, but it's okay to talk about this because you know, you're other people, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

No, it's not about not talking about this. But when you say I'm not, when I say I'm not my best self in the sense of like, I'm not ready to have this discussion with, you know, uh and and here's the thing I think the uh the interesting thing that I found super like super cool was so like a few days after my dad died, I was like, you know what I'm gonna start sharing like some really cool stories about him, some things that I've learned, whatever, all of these things. I think the thing that I loved the most was having random people, I mean, not random random, but people who I generally don't talk to all the time, reach out and be like, oh my gosh, I love this about your dad, or my this reminds me about this of me and my mom, or me and my dad, or thank you for sharing this. Like this makes me feel like you know, good about some other loss that I've experienced. And so it's like, you don't really know like how something is gonna touch someone until you talk about it. So I thought that was really cool. That's like I had a lot of really, really and that, you know, wonderful interactions with people that just like really warmed my heart. And it wasn't even about my dad specifically, it was whether it was a relationship between them and their parents or them, the two of us, or whatever. But it was just like the coolest kind of uh the coolest kind of like experience.

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Yeah. I mean, uh even even my daughter, she was so upset about the whole thing. She's like, oh my god, no. And I'm just like, you know, she was really, really upset. I mean, it's uh it's but um alay it. But I before before we stop talking about this, do you have like can you share something with us that your dad taught you that will always stay with you? Or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Say that again. So what does that mean? That means like basically um heen irshek. It's like like basically you can like whatever, like pay for pay for the comforts of life or whatever. Okay. Yeah, like basically like like spend your money and don't like like how to say heen? Heen nafin nafsek.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Basically, like spend your money and like don't don't um short yourself kind of. No, not short yourself.

SPEAKER_01 18:09

No, no, I'll tell you. I will tell you right now, but that's but that's one thing while I looked that up, but yeah, he's so he's saying live your life, enjoy it, and spend your money? Not quite. Okay, not quite. It's just you know, hold on, I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

But that's uh That's the first thing that came to your to your mind when I asked you that question.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Yeah, so basically like spend your money and don't humiliate yourself. Oh yeah, because that means humiliate, yeah. Humiliate is the right human ishak. So humiliate your money, don't humiliate yourself. Okay, but what does that mean? It means like if it costs, for example, like okay, so if you're if it if if it costs you like $25 to take an Uber instead of like walking, take the Uber. It's cool. Okay, right? Yeah, and live your life. Live your life, live your life. Don't let anybody yeah, he but he didn't have sex. I like that. Me too. I like that.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

But you and I, we don't need any encouragement to do that. I don't I always say money buys convenience. That's kind of like what it is. I don't know why that took me so long to arrive here. Money buys convenience, yeah. So it's not gonna buy happiness, it is gonna buy convenience.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yeah, so that's that's that. And then he would he always he taught me that you could get anything you want from somebody if you were like diplomatic. Yeah, yeah, anything.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

Do you think that's that's proven to be true over the years?

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Freaking lootly. Okay, absolutely. Like literally, that was his thing. It's like diplomacy will get you whatever it is that you want in life, as long as you know how to talk to people, like you'll be okay. See, that's my problem. I don't know. I can I can concur. I can concur. But yeah, but that's that would be that that's like I I that's something I like I really, really love. It's like you yeah, and okay, and and it's funny because he used to always say, like, um, when we, you know, basically like diplomacy is important. He's like, I shall mishkole ness. Like not everybody, not everybody is like raised well. So you basically have to utilize diplomacy to meet the person across from you like halfway and find uh and find a middle point. But yeah, that was uh that's but my favorite. I think I like I've taken that to a whole other level.

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Yeah, yeah, I know. But I it's a whole other one. It's a good that one, I I really like that one.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

I think it's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

So like I said, you don't need a nail burger. She's right though. And I don't say that a lot. Okay, but inshallah, inshallah, like you know, just to wrap this quick episode up. Yes. Um we say this every time. Yeah. When we are we bringing it up.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Well, before you get there, okay, since we're having this episode, and if you guys could, you know, as I as I always like to say at the end of this episode, if you are somebody who is a if you're Muslim, right? I'm gonna ask you to do that for my dad when you finish watching this episode.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Yes, but y'all continue. Um, what was I saying? I don't know. Um, I was saying how we never when whenever we're gone for a while, you know, we always come back and this is our comeback. This is our comeback, but no, like we really wanna make an effort.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

You know, it's funny because like I know people power through and they work through things and whatever, and a lot more people are diligent at this than we are, but we really do enjoy doing this. We enjoy doing it, but the problem is literally my job when I say we, I mean it's just the two of us.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

Yes, we don't have help, we don't have a producer. I mean, my job is kicking my ass. Yeah, like like non-stop, okay? And we had Ramadan, but we'll talk about that in the next episode. Um, but the point is we're gonna try. Yeah, okay, make du'a for us, pray for us, okay? Seriously. Because that ain't an Hassad, the evil eye, dude. I I'm convinced now, okay? It's like the whole world is against us. No, we're gonna, we're gonna go.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

No, I don't feel like the whole, I don't feel like the whole world is against us.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

We I made du'a, okay? Okay, all right. All right, uh you get against it. Once we've we stop recording, we're gonna talk about we have to have a plan, a schedule, inshallah. And we're gonna do this, even if it's remote, even if we're from our homes, we're gonna do this, we're gonna show up. Even we're we're gonna talk about the most random shit, it's fine. But we're gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

And we have to, halas. We gotta like stay accountable. I'm saying this on camera so we can be accountable to our viewers and our listeners. So we can be accountable to you guys because they're holding us accountable right now. No, because yeah, some of them are like, what the hell? Where are you?

SPEAKER_01 22:13

No, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Okay, so we're gonna try to be accountable. All six of you guys, we love you. That's not true. We have more than that, okay? We're beyond that. She gets so offended. Oh my god, for everybody also that's joined UpScroll, yeah, BCU. Yes, yes, exactly. And um, but you know, we we were the first ones to yeah, I'm glad. Anyway, uh until next time, uh, follow us on Instagram, I mean TikTok, I don't even give a shit about it anyway, to be honest with you. I mean, after follow us there, we're still there.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Um, and on YouTube. Yes, and if you've experienced loss of a loved one, um my heart is with you. Yes. All right, until next time.