When I reflect upon some of my past behavior, I could be a real jerk. I mean the type of jerk you want to throw a drink in their face, jerk. Genuinely apologizing, includes attempting to change your past behavior and for me, stopping my disgustingly jerky behavior.
Come share advice and thoughts on how to own a true apology, not get drawn into unwarranted apologizes and forgiving others when they don’t ask for forgiveness. Please share at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/490411995647295/
To hear episode 6 regarding active listening, go to your favorite podcast app or on my website: https://momtreadingwater.buzzsprout.com/
When I reflect upon some of my past behavior, I could be a real jerk. I mean the type of jerk you want to throw a drink in their face, jerk. Genuinely apologizing, includes attempting to change your past behavior and for me, stopping my disgustingly jerky behavior.
Come share advice and thoughts on how to own a true apology, not get drawn into unwarranted apologizes and forgiving others when they don’t ask for forgiveness. Please share at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/490411995647295/
To hear episode 6 regarding active listening, go to your favorite podcast app or on my website: https://momtreadingwater.buzzsprout.com/
Hello, this is Melissa Libby, and you are listening to Mom Treading Water.
Saying I'm sorry, apologizing or admitting guilt is not always an easy thing to do. But when you are wrong, sometimes saying sorry, just isn't enough. If you are truly sorry, you'll work on changing your behavior, you'll be living amends, you'll be able to rebuild relationships, rebuild your confidence and how you perceive yourself. At least for me, that's proven to be true.
But before we get into that, if this is your first time listening to Mom Treading Water, thank you for your time today. If you're returning, welcome back and again, thank you so much for the continued support. Please don't forget to subscribe, and click a five star rating. If you have any questions for me, or any questions about any episode, please join our Facebook group at Mom Treading Water. I'll also include that link in the episode notes. Okay, let's get started.
Like I said, it can be so hard to say you're sorry. Especially if time has passed or, you know, the other person involved will never apologize. Or if they do apologize, there'll be no sincerity behind it, there will be no ownership in their behavior. But forgiveness is essential for moving on, even if the other person involved might apologize, but follows with "oh, I'm so sorry to but you did..." You know the routine, you know the script, because it's the same pattern, the same behavior you usually see. And sometimes forgiveness isn't always about the other person but sometimes it's about ourselves, ourselves coming to peace, to coming terms with our own behavior, or realizing that this is just who the person is, you're never going to change their behavior. And it's how you move on. But especially with our kids, parents make mistakes we are people, we are human. And when we apologize to our children, we're teaching them how to apologize sincerely. We're teaching them to own their mistakes. We're showing them again that we are just human. And hopefully, we're teaching them to make amends to work on behavior, to work on our choices, and the impact they do have on other people. Because if we don't apologize to our children, because again, we're going to make mistakes. How do we ever expect our children to learn how to apologize. In last week's episode, I talked a lot about listening in relation to my sales career. And I will include that link in the notes as well. But especially listening, when you're working out conflict, openly listening, not anticipating what you're going to say next. Removing the "yes, but but you.." excuses. Because when we say that are we truly taking responsibility for our actions? Or are we trying to place blame, we can only own our own behavior. And sometimes saying, I'm sorry, is just not enough. It's about changing our behavior and our actions in the future. In recovery programs, you hear make amends. But really don't we all have to make amends at some point. But specifically, I'm talking about living amends. Again, changing the behavior, changing the action that you can control. Because again, people will say they're sorry, but the behavior never changes.
I'm finding so much of my behavior has changed since having children because I realize I need to set an example for them. I need to live the way and the morals that I hope to instill upon them. Because truthfully in the past, I could be a real jerk. Even now I'm sure I'm still a jerk sometimes. I know a lot of it stems from my insecurities. It definitely made me cold and on the defense. I'd be a real jerk and make fun of people. I'd be a snob and I would especially even do this to people who were always kind to me. And when I think back on that, it just makes my stomach absolutely turn. Truthfully, I hate myself for it. I still beat myself up up for it. I I still haven't gotten to that level of forgiveness to myself for that type of behavior. But I'm truly trying to work on living amends, not only owning the behavior, but changing it. Again, I know for a fact, I do not have perfection, that I have these moments, but I'm truly trying to change the way I live. Because if I don't change my behavior, again, just being a jerk, then my kids are going to have the exact same behavior, and they're going to be jerks. And that's not good for anyone.
So here is the Melissa Libby scientific theory. And very clearly, I'm saying that facetiously. But if I'm being judgmental, and my kids hear that, that is going to make my kids judgmental to other people, but then in turn, they are going to think that everyone is judging them, and that I am always judging them, then that in turn is going to make them insecure, which will make them judge other people because they're feeling insecure, resulting in making them jerks.
I'm guilty of not apologizing, when I should have apologized. But I'm also guilty of over apologizing for things that I'm not responsible for that are completely out of my control. And again, I truly think so much of that stems from being insecure. And I think originally, why I would be so apologetic when I didn't need to be because I did nothing wrong, was because I knew the other person involved would never assume guilt, would never own their behavior and would never apologize. Like I think for an example, there's someone who I'm close to and I always feel like I'm giving that person a superficial apology when they are doing any type of complaint whatsoever, even if it's not related to me has nothing to do with me. Because I know what prompts my I'm sorry, criticism or something that doesn't meet approval, then that response back to me from that person is always "stop saying I'm sorry" or"oh, geez, Melissa, you're so sensitive stop". "Why are you apologizing?" Well, probably because it seems like you act like you've been wronged yet again, for something ridiculous. And then if you do not get this apology, you're just gonna keep going on. I've truly been trying to stop with the I'm sorries.
And obsessively taking a step further, and trying to do everything possible not to create any type of dislike or disapproval. So I don't have to say it. So I don't get the "oh Melissa, you're so dramatic, why you saying sorry?" Then on that path, it makes my anxiety go through the absolute roof. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. So I'm struggling. I'm truly truly struggling. Trying to find that middle ground. I don't have a solution. I don't have any words of wisdom right now to share. So to you, I ask for any feedback, because I truly am trying to do better. But sometimes I just don't know how to do it. And I know that that other person is never going to change. They'll never sincerely apologize. Even if they tried apologizing, the actions are never going to change. But I can still only control my own behavior. I can control future relationships, by not responding in the same way by making those same mistakes again, that same behavior. And I have spoken to that other person about this. And again, the response is insincere. Sometimes I think it even borders on being narcissistic. Because it always comes back to "yes, but I ...but me..., but you did this and...", and again, I can only control my own behavior. Some days, that is truly my mantra.
And now in teaching our children how to apologize with sincerity. Or if they do something wrong, yes, they'll apologize. But we asked them to ask the other person they wronged "What can I do to make it better?" We're trying to show them the impact of their behavior. And again, when we make mistakes with our children, we apologize and we also say what can I do to make it better and we try to listen to what they have to say. We try to teach our kids that no one is perfect, and that we all do make mistakes. But I think also, we're trying to focus on teaching forgiveness. Because again, forgiveness isn't always about the other person. It's for yourself. It's to find peace with yourself. And so with the person I was mentioning earlier that I've been having some struggles with, I have contemplated forgiveness. I've been trying to do it on my own. But I don't know if I need to verbalize that forgiveness to that person. Or put it in writing. It's been very challenging. And again, I welcome any suggestions that y'all might have. And I try to remind myself that some people don't apologize for reasons that are beyond the actions that have just occurred. Whether they're embarrassed, or are they scared? Or do they genuinely think they're just never wrong? Or is it giving up power? Are they narcissistic? Are they just being righteous? Or, hey, they could just be outright jerks. And I fear, discussing forgiveness with this person, that I'm putting myself in a toxic situation, because again, that person just does not apologize when this doesn't happen. And if does, it's so insincere. They are not going to change their behavior, they are not going to be living their amends. And me being back in a toxic situation is not good for myself, and absolutely not good for my husband, nor my children. Because at the end of the day, they feel the brunt of that stress.
So I ask all of you, how do you forgive someone when forgiveness is not asked? Because I do genuinely believe that it is freeing it is liberating for yourself. And how do you own your own mistakes, because we do all make mistakes. And it's never too late to own them. And to change that behavior. Again, living amends. I would love to get your feedback, I'd appreciate your feedback. Please post that in our Facebook group Mom Treading Water. And if you did today, find some value in this podcast. Please don't forget to subscribe.
Thank you so much for your time today. Thank you for letting me somewhat vent. It was actually therapeutic for me today to be sharing this with you. So I appreciate that. Thank you. Please be kind to yourself, and be kind to others. Thank you again, and until next time.