The Solo Dad Podcast

Episode 2.6 Ben and Matt Dissecting Dads Anger and Frustration

• Solo Dads • Season 2 • Episode 6

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Ben is partaking in - https://drinkspindrift.com/

Matt is enjoying - https://oldforgedistillery.com/spirits/moonshine/oatmeal-cookie-moonshine/

Anger management ideas:

https://www.fatherly.com/anger-management/


EMDR - https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it#:~:text=Eye%20movement%20desensitization%20and%20reprocessing%20(EMDR)%20is%20a%20fairly%20new,%2C%20rape%2C%20or%20car%20accidents.


Bi lateral Movement Therapy - https://anxietyreleaseapp.com/what-is-bilateral-stimulation/

Matt:

Welcome to another episode of the Solo Dad podcast. You've got Matt on, and I've got my buddy Ben. What is happening? Hello, everyone. How are you? Well, first off, quick, I always want to make sure because sometimes I forget. Let's get the business out of the way first. By the way, we have no show sponsors, but anybody know anyone? Go ahead and send them our way. What are you partaking of tonight? You found something new and delicious. Maybe not as exciting, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_03:

It is um spindrift carbonated water with real lime juice. Delicious. It's and refreshing. Really pretty fantastic. It's my new favorite.

Matt:

And not so bad for your liver.

SPEAKER_03:

No, again, and it's got two ingredients carbonated water and lime. Can't go wrong.

Matt:

No, it sounds fantastic. I chose to bust something out of the back of the the liquor cabinet that I hadn't had in a while. And I'll get the exact name in the show notes, but the short version is it's uh oatmeal cookie moonshine, and it is um delicious.

SPEAKER_03:

This is the uh the cookie help the burn. It definitely does.

Matt:

Like I'm thinking if you threw a little AW cream soda on this thing, you might not remember the next day.

SPEAKER_03:

So or some ice cream on top, like make a little Rupert float sort of thing.

Matt:

Yeah, give it to the kids. What's the worst that could happen?

SPEAKER_03:

Nothing. They go to bed faster. Right, yeah. Wow, they slept good last night.

Matt:

Why are they angry in the morning? Why are they exactly so like they're so grumpy this morning? I don't understand. Yeah, I've never seen a five-year-old drink so much coffee. Uh, so yeah, we got that out of the way. Um uh let's do just a quick. Well, first, I guess what I should say is we're gonna try something a little different. Uh, we're gonna try to dissect some dad stuff. So um we're gonna talk maybe. I think we decided we're gonna talk about being frustrated or anger coming in and maybe what causes it, and what like we try to do to maybe lessen it and not be maybe for my example, it'd be as loud and scary to my little one, and maybe try to tone it down a bit and figure out what's leading to that. So dissecting of dads is what we kind of see. We'll see if it sticks. But um, how have you been, man? Are you on spring break? Going on spring break? Are you getting ready to?

SPEAKER_03:

Ours kicks off on Saturday. So the kids actually have a school day tomorrow. Yeah, it's a it's a token day. I feel really bad for the teachers because none of the kids are gonna be dialed in.

SPEAKER_02:

They're gonna be like, whoa, speed break, here we go.

SPEAKER_03:

Um, so yeah, we're getting ready to kick that off and have some stuff planned for them, which I hope they'll enjoy. It's good, we were planning on going to the mountains um and hanging out, but it's also gonna be, you know, like 64 up in the mountains. Wow. Yeah. So it's gonna be a little slushy, um, which will be fine, but it'll be called that out there. Are you in mud season yet or is that pre-season? No, it's still tech like we're full on, like we're supposed to be kicking. Um, so it's everything's still open, everything's still happening. We're gonna try to make it work. Um, and the kids are super excited. Um, I'm excited to get some time out and and hang with them and and get out of the house for a while. Um, and we are the last school district in our area to have spring break. Everybody else has already had their week. Really? Yep. So we're getting ready to kick ours off finally, which would be really nice.

Matt:

We must be late out here. So the oldest is on spring break now. The local one, the school district I'm in, goes next week. What? Yeah, Blair's isn't Blair's isn't until the first week of April.

SPEAKER_03:

That's really surprising, right? That's super do they go to like all the way into June or something?

Matt:

Usually last usually around here, the last uh week of school ends June, like the first week in June, June 5th, June 6th, June 7th.

SPEAKER_03:

I think our still ends at right then too. Wow, that's a late spring break.

Matt:

Yeah, I don't know. I'm not in charge.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, no, like you get the calendar, you're like, Oh, I have to take time off for this. Check it.

Matt:

Okay, yep, yeah, done. It's more about like, oh, what do you mean? She's gonna be here all day. God, I gotta find stuff for her.

SPEAKER_03:

I gotta start planning some activities.

Matt:

I gotta put pants on. This is gonna be complicated. Um well, that's good. Yeah, so we're kind of in the the you know, doldrums of not quite the fall spring stuff out here. To say, like, do you guys have sunshine yet? We did. We had some amazing days, like uh because of my foot surgery injury, which is feeling nice, everything's going fine. Uh, I should probably post something on Instagram or in our Facebook group of my daughter and I scootering together. That's right. I used we guys in scootering together. I have I have my knee scooter pretty dark cute. Oh, it's fantastic. Did you get a video of it too? I should, I really should. Yeah, I should put streamers on mine and really go on. Go fill it.

SPEAKER_03:

That would be amazing. So actually, streamers on the boot too, not only on the handles, but on the boot too. So it's like this kind of full.

Matt:

I should let her at this point. The boots hopefully allegedly almost on its way out. So I should dazzle it. But yeah, so we're in that like what do they call it? Fall spring number one. So we've had like four more of them coming. But um, just I in a little bit of uh you get the you get the okay, I've had enough of being inside. Let's, you know, and you know, let's when I pick you up from school, maybe we go to a park, like that's sort of where you're just waiting for it to be where you can go and not be all muddy. But everyone's mostly healthy and fine, so we're just kind of waiting for the weather to let us be normal again and or be outside, I should say. And so we're good. Yeah. So that's awesome. Yeah, if we're and for doing good, and you got a funky little segue into um, you know, although we're doing good, I and I think you were talking right before we kicked off. Right. I realized the other day, and Blair kind of pointed it out, that towards the end of the day, I was getting, we'll use the word frustrated. I was just on edge and frustrated. And I found myself having to tell her I wasn't mad at her, she wasn't doing anything wrong to make me angry. I just, when I went back and reflected, I just had some things that I had taken in or allowed get under my skin or not deal with, whether, and we can talk about those sort of things in a minute, that just led to my frustration. And I kind of was as we were talking, wanted to hear from like your perspective, and then maybe you know, uh, we can I can put something in the show notes about maybe some tips and tricks that other dads use. But when you're solo, like there, I can't like go, hey, somebody in in this moment, like I can call my mom, she can show up the next day or whatever, but in the moment, immediately, like I need 45 minutes and I need to go yell into Apello or whatever the trick might be. But I need to release some tension because I am mad as heck at nothing in specific, like it's just yeah, so and you had you were telling me you had kind of a similar experience, but you were giving the kiddos a tool of a way to communicate with you, which I thought was really creative. Um so kind of tell me like when you feel that boiling point, like how how what do you what are some things you do? Or and it's gonna be interesting to see what the kiddos do with the way.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I was just saying because like there's definitely there's times where I don't realize like it, it's like that sublevel, yeah, where it's irritating you, but you haven't quite realized that you're short yet. And and like your your tone changes a little bit, your patience is gone, and like that's kind of like some of those really stupid things that normally wouldn't ever make you mad with regards to it's 20 degrees outside, why don't you put your coat on? Normally, like we're just like, hey, put your coat on, please. Turns into why don't why are you not wearing your coat again? Like it's just like that tone, yeah. That like little transition, and you don't necessarily pick up on it just because it just like it's built up on that slow build. And I it like occasionally I think for me when it really kind of like came to a head, because I don't know, I it was there's some things that like happen constantly every single morning that you just kind of get tired of, and you're like, so on those things that happen every single time, that frustration level peaks faster for me, whether because it's just like do we have to have this conversation again and like a uh a ad infinitum, like just like for like for wherever.

Matt:

Right. And we're we are both very conscious that we know we're gonna have to have these conversations over because a we're the only ones having them, and b, our kids are young, like yeah, like if I have to tell my 18-year-old something five different times, we have a problem.

SPEAKER_03:

Three, four, five, six-year-olds, yeah. It's understandable.

Matt:

So just just so that we know that we're dealing with the the rational minds we're dealing with, we understand that on a conscious level, but subconsciously it's super yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

So then I I think it it kind of came for me personally to a head um when uh my oldest were like it was a breakfast time. It was once again, like getting it was a school day, breakfast time. We're trying to get things rolling, trying to get everybody out of the house. And I was in the kitchen, like preparing snacks and water bottles and backpacks and things while they were trying to have lunch and there was some shenanigans going on. And I don't even remember what I said, or like whatever. Like Nadia was like, Why are you yelling at me, Daddy? I haven't done anything. And I'm like, No, I'm not yelling at you. You haven't done anything. She's like, Well, then why do you sound like that? It's like, oh shit. And because it it had just snuck in that just kind of general irritation, stress for the morning, stress for timing, the normal shenanigans, all just kind of were subconsciously bubbling in there. So I sat the kids down. Um we actually I took it was Nadia and Beckham. Both were waiting in the parking lot to go into school. We had a little extra time. And so I suddenly like, hey guys, is this a thing? Like, do I ever have a scenario where I kind of snipe this? And you guys pick, like, it does this make you uncomfortable or do you think you're in trouble? And both were like, yeah. I'm like, well, and like I feel like I'm about an inch and a half tall and just like a complete scrap of a human being.

Matt:

It's such a heartbreaker because we're not trying to be extra authoritative, mean or or whatever, or um, there's another word and I can't think of it right now, but they pick up on it, yeah, probably for several different reasons, right? Maybe there's because there's not another adult to buffer, maybe it's because of their situation, they're maybe a little more attuned to our like our emotional state, right? So yeah, so you're talking to them.

SPEAKER_03:

So yeah, we're having a conversation. It's like, well, what if we had a little like a token or something that you felt comfortable enough saying, like, hey dad, you sound like you're mad. We don't understand why you can show it, I can see it. Because that's part like on some of this kind of stuff, even for the kids, because they're dealing with like the emotions, they don't know how to handle the emotions. Sometimes those things get in there, and you need that kind of gut check, whether it's a physical touch visualization or something, like you need that kind of like, hey, this is happening, it's a thing. Be aware, bring it back. And so I asked them about this. So we figured out that we were gonna use one of uh Gwen's old racing medals um for the rock and roll marathons in Chicago because they and and so what we did was it was and it's gonna be a combo of things. So because there was there was something I saw online one time that I thought was pretty clever where the parent like wrote a note that said, okay, if you ever give me this note, I'll show it to me and you can tell me whatever you need to tell me, and I will guarantee that I won't get mad and we'll work through it together. And it's like, so we'll we'll use this medallion for two things. One, if you excuse me, if you if you don't understand, or if I'm coming across where I have that angry tone that I don't realize, you can show it to me and let me gut check myself and we can talk through it. And then also on the same token, you can use that if you ever needed to tell me something because you were either nervous or cautious about telling me something, and you wanted to know that I wouldn't kind of go that direction.

SPEAKER_01:

And they both both of them instantly said, Yes, we would love to tell dad what to do. This is gonna be amazing. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And but it's like at the same time, it's like, and I will say that almost immediately within the next two or three days, Beckham, even without having the medallion, told me things that have been happening at school that have been bothering him that he hadn't wanted to talk to me about. And so that the communication channel, and it was just like the things he was talking to me about were just I don't know, those those things where like, hey dad, I really wanted to play football with their kids, but they wouldn't let me because I didn't know how to throw the football as good as them or I couldn't run as fast. Like those, like those things, like they're just like son of a like, like as a parent, just like Chris was like, all right, so we we made a plan anyway. So like that's kind of a side note as far as like what we're gonna do with that kind of thing, but like would he have told me that kind of thing without knowing in the back of his head that hey, I can talk to dad freely without him having that because I don't know because he but because before I don't know when it would happen, like you know, like you like all that background noise builds in there and it just kind of subliminally pops out. You maybe get that tone of frustration on these things, like inside or you do have the t you know what's happening, right?

Matt:

Like he brings it to you, like hey dad, there's something I want to tell you about school, and your tone is like what rather than yes, hey bud, let me sit down, what's going on? Right, yeah, just just that little inflection. And they and I again I'm not a psychologist or a psychologist or so called any psychiatrist, those smart people that go to school for really cool stuff. I'm not one of those, but I am sure they can tell you that like kids in our situation, there probably are some things that because of the situation, there's a skill set they wind up acquiring that maybe the average kid doesn't. Yeah, right, especially on their age, yeah, right? Like they just it happens because they're like, Well, there's only one of them, not two. And like there's you know, there is only one good and bad cop. There is only one enforcer and treat given. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's a good cop, bad cop, copy. Right, and they've there's articles about that where it kind of messes them up because like it's it's normal's a relative term, but uh mom grounds the kid for drawing on the wall, they're on timeout, they're gonna get their punishment, mom delivers the punishment. They don't want to hug mom in this moment because mom's not someone they care for right now. Yeah, they get they get reassurance from dad in that moment, they get the hug and they're like, We still love you, it's okay. Mom's kind of scary. Next time dad delivers a punishment or whatever, right? The the consequences, they have to come hug their punisher, and it's a yeah, it it does something, it's a it's a not necessarily all bad, it's just so but like you're saying, giving them that outlet, that's really great. Like I I worry, especially with this like kind of most recent development, that because of my tension level, I was trying to think of like kind of the right word frustration level, and what you just said about Beckham was it Beckham about school, right? Was it Beckham? Yeah, yeah. Um that maybe because she sees that my face is scrunched, my shoulders are up on her, right? And growling, she uh she's like, Maybe I'm not gonna tell dad about the thing at school, or maybe I'm not gonna tell dad about drawing this pretty picture.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm just gonna keep it to myself because especially our daughters, because they know, like, why don't I I don't want to make daddy more upset.

Matt:

Well, that was the the other thing I'm worried about, is like you're exactly right. That idea and or the reciprocal or the reverse of that, which is I'm gonna be beyond good and pleasing. Yeah, and just kowtow to everything and have quite possibly no willpower or whatever of my own because I can't have dad get mad. Which is that's the other thing. You don't want them just always like I don't want, I mean, you want your kids to rebel a little bit because they got to test the lines, but I don't want Blair to never like ever try something new because she's like, Well, I'm gonna take this Barbie into bath tonight, even though it's not a bathtime Barbie, dad's gonna get mad. So I'm just I'm not gonna bring her.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, or even ask them that's okay.

Matt:

Or exactly. Yeah, right. They're so scared of lighting the anger fuse, right? Or they look at their in your situation, they look at their siblings like, how pissed off did you make dad today?

SPEAKER_03:

It's like, hey, did you do that thing you normally do every morning? Because if so, right.

Matt:

Do you have your shoes on? Because if if you don't, man, I am definitely not telling about the thing I did.

SPEAKER_03:

Please tell me you put your shoes on before you left the house this morning. Because if you did, I really need to ask to add something. Because if you but if you didn't, then um okay, we know it's on stage.

Matt:

That is right out. He will not be at so it was so good in the colored sharpies, it was amazing. So it'll be interesting to get an update. I'll put it in the notes to see how that works for you. And I really I appreciate you sharing that because I'm trying to like channel some sort of like inner, like, how do I foster because I'm not doing it on purpose. I don't want my daughter's default to fear me. And I think I don't know if we were recording yet when I said a while back, and this broke my heart. I was angry at I I can't even tell you what it was. I I really can't. And by the way, this show is about anger and frustration. So don't think that we're always angry all the time. We're highlighting the highlighting these moments that have months and weeks apart. But I remember I was really mad about something, and I told Blair and Dad needs. I get I've read this as a good thing, right? Like I gave myself a timeout. I said, dad, I just need to go to this bedroom. And I just I can I have never done anything to my oldest child, and I can't imagine I'd ever do anything to my younger child. And hey there listeners and my tribe of allies want to take just a moment to remind you how you can find the podcast. We're on all platforms. We're on Apple Podcasts, we're on Spotify, we're on Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, Audible, and all the others. If you are listening on Apple Podcasts, please give us a feedback and give a review. It helps the podcast be found. If you're looking to find more solo dad content, we are on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter at SoloDad Podcast. If you or someone you know would like to be a guest on the show, or if you just want to email us with thoughts or topics you'd like to hear us talk about, the good old fashioned email for us is solo dadpodcast at gmail.com. Thank you again for your support and listening, and we hope you find it helpful. Back to the conversation. I couldn't remember exactly what I was mad about, but the memory is she came to kind of like check on me and she she was crying because that whatever I did, I got frustrated and probably dropped something in the sink or something. So she's crying a little bit. I said, but I'm not, you know, you're okay. Dad just needs a minute. She comes in and I must have turned or something, and I was still pretty upset. And I didn't say anything to her, but the look on her little face was like, This big, huge human is very scary, and like left my room, and I think went into the room, and it just shattered me. I'm like, that is not what I'm trying to do at all. And I am sure through therapy she'll be fine in 25 years.

SPEAKER_03:

Lots of therapy, yeah.

Matt:

But it just breaks you because, well, at least me. Yeah, because fear isn't the one response, the first response I want out of my children. I want my them to fear me at some point when I go, like, don't play in the highway, like be scared when dad uses his dad voice, like the serious consequences.

SPEAKER_03:

And like, and like have the dad voice actually mean something to the point of like, okay, dad's serious about this, it's legitimate, right? And we know this is a thing, not just the fact that his default.

Matt:

And it just feels like, and so um looking back, is there if you were to take inventory of, I don't know, we'll just make it up the five days leading up to it. Was there anything that you were like, wow, I really gotta make sure, for example, like that I shut down at 10 p.m.? Like I just can't stay up late because I'm just short. Or yeah, was there was there anything specific where you go as you kind of look back, you go, maybe I shouldn't do this thing, or what I just curious.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, there's I mean, there's there's a combination of things uh that obviously well for me uh personally, uh I don't do well grumpy and I don't do well hangry, right? So I need to, and unfortunately, like sometimes it just doesn't allow itself. You have other things you need to do. Sometimes you have to stay up late, but there is definitely if if I don't get decent sleep, I am noticeably grumpier, and it's just like I've always been that way. It's just part of my MO that like if I get four hours of sleep in a row, and I would say like leading up to that other thing, like I went through this gauntlet of the boys, right?

Matt:

Like waking up they're tag teaming you, right?

SPEAKER_03:

God, it was it was and it was the I think it was the most brutal stretch I've been a part of after after Gwen's death. Like it was it wasn't just one, it was like five or six days straight of and I like and here's the thing too like you get focused on the fact that like, oh my gosh, I'm getting woken up constantly and I'm miserable. This sucks, but then you have to like, oh wait, Backham's coming down every single time he's being woken up as well to come down and tell me that Ryland is doing X, Y, or Z. So not only am I not getting sleep, but neither is he. And he probably needs, well, he definitely needs more than I do, without a doubt. Like it's like you have the combination of him not getting any sleep. Um, he's getting his, you know, like he might get like an hour or two more just because he goes to bed earlier than I do. But like he's still coming down just every time. And so, and then you have those nights where, okay, well, I can't go to bed quite yet because this one load of laundry has to get in the dryer, it can't sit overnight, or I've got to do these 13 extra work emails, or whatever the reason. Like, you can't go to bed when you want to. So you're already kind of tired. You throw in the extra complete sleep disruption, and then you wake up the next morning and everything has a short fuse. You and you just because you're just exhausted. And I think anyone, I would challenge anyone to not be grumpy or have a short fuse if they're getting exceptionally minimal amounts of sleep for an extended period of time. If anyone's been through uh an infant, sleep deprivation is a legitimate torture technique and it is effective.

Matt:

I think the human baby figured out exactly how long it can do that through natural selection because it I agree, it quite literally it like subsides right at the point where you're like, I don't think we should keep this. Like they give you like one more hour of sleep. You're like, we can keep it. It's like we could do this, we'll survive. Wait, I realize what a slacker, you don't realize how much of a slack you are until you have a newborn. And you go like, you realize for I'm gonna make it up for the first 20 years of my adult life, I was getting eight hours-ish of sleep every night. Yeah, and now I'm getting three, and I still function.

SPEAKER_01:

Like as a new friend of a newborn, you're like, how wow, this doesn't make sense.

Matt:

I have five extra hours a day. Like, I should be what was I doing for the first 20 years old? I was slow, I was getting eight.

SPEAKER_03:

Eight, you kidding me? And be sometimes like, oh, I'm so tired today. What happened? Oh, you got nine minutes of sleep, right? Yeah, and uh so I see like so for me, sleep, sleep is sleep I noticed that too.

Matt:

Like, I I think everyone has their like their kind of bare minimum they have to get, and obviously it has to be quality sleep as well. Um, I've kind of noticed that too. I'm like, if if mine isn't basically six plus, I can do like minus six for like one day, maybe two, like yeah, and then I'm like it well, I I can function. I wouldn't say I'd be doing an A plus job, but like people survive. I can survive, but I can be very happy as you go, but right, and then it starts to build, and so I yeah, I think everyone has a different number of hours, and so that's super important. But you you said hangry. I'm curious about that. Like, is it like if you don't get lunch on time, you become angry?

SPEAKER_03:

It's hangry. I know as soon as you eat something, you're immediately better. But uh the Snickers commercial had it right, like you're not yourself when you're hungry, it's true, and uh and it is because sometimes like and I like I never understood when people threw out they're like, I just forgot to eat. And I was like, How can you forget to eat? Yeah, and and like, and then you get I found myself on multiple occasions going through the day, going, Wait, did I eat breakfast this morning? I don't know because you're like you're scrambling, you're doing all the things, you're getting people out the door.

Matt:

How good are you? How good are you at sitting down and eating?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, I don't I can't.

Matt:

I just realized I read someone pointed out, I think I caught a glimpse of a show or something. Oh, it's over Christmas, and I'm gonna I'm gonna this is how far back I'm going. Uh, Christmas story. And the boy quotes like, he goes, I don't think my mom sat down to eat a complete meal in the 18 years I lived at home. Like, because the dad asked for more mashed potatoes, the son asked for you know more salt or whatever.

SPEAKER_03:

The most inconsiderate the dinner table guests because like every time I go back, maybe like, oh, I want a water too. Like, you have a water, like, well, I want different water and I don't like like yeah.

Matt:

So mine is like I always forget, like, she's like, Where's my ketchup? I'm like, son, you're not worried. But then I realized, like, I'm eating over the kitchen counter because I'm like cleaning up from dinner. Like, I don't, I'm not sitting down with her. Yeah, I I try to sit down with dinner with the kids, and so we then we talk about forget eating because then you're all like, Yeah, put them in bed. I'm like, wait, did I eat? And then I go, Well, I gave me, I guess I ate the nuggets and toss she didn't eat, so technically I put food in, but yeah, isn't that right?

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, so I think that and that one, and it's usually I say that the hangry is usually manageable unless there's additional stressors, like we're out like trying to go make an appointment or go, yeah. So, and that's where that kind of like just compounds it. But I think for me, the the key thing is is getting that sleep. Sleep. Um, yeah, because then I just I just can't what about?

Matt:

And I was writing this down as you're talking. What if the food one for me? I don't I I think because I graze like kind of throughout the day, and I'll be like, oh like she got cheeses, I eat cheese-its. Like, I so I don't get I don't think hangry, and I could skip a few meals and I'd be fine. Uh that hangry is my problem. Um I also realized you're talking about the getting ready in the morning. I have now started prepping the day, and I wasn't doing this for a long time, and I don't know why. I now prep the next day. So if she has swim, the swim bag's already. I I was I don't know if I was waiting. I don't I wasn't putting the swim bag in the car. I'm like, why are you waiting until the morning so you can forget it? Just make the bag put it in the car.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

Matt:

So some some pre-prep routines seem to eliminate potential stress, yeah. Right. So like I also hate getting hate being late. Oh, she knows that too. She's like, Are we late today? And I'm like, No, we're just there's a there's a window, and we're at the end of the window. So technically we'll be on time, but but if we didn't leave right now, it would have been fascinating too in the morning. Is I'm like, oh man, we got four you you're fed, you've had breakfast, you're dressed, your hair's done. We got 40 minutes till we gotta go. This is great. We're gonna how are we 20 minutes late?

SPEAKER_01:

Like, what just happened? I just lost it. We're leaving, we're we should have left 40 minutes. What happened?

Matt:

Like, that just happened this morning. I like looked at my I looked at the clock. I'm like, dude, we got 15 minutes, we're golden. And then like I go do something, or I help over something, or I'm like, oh, let me just fold these clothes or make a mistake of opening. I had the kitchen watching it from breakfast, like a silly video of kittens doing something next thing.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm like, it's 05. We should have left 10 minutes ago. Everybody in the car now. Go, go, go, go.

Matt:

Um, like a drill sergeant. So I think routine. So I there's some routine hacks that I do. One is definitely like getting bags ready in the morning before there's no scrambling looking for stuff, right? And that's really helped me. And I actually went to the point now where she has a different bag for different activities, so I can pack like the ballet gymnastics bag. It's a combo class, it's packed. And so I just on ballet gymnastics say it just goes in the car. Hey, I can put it in the car now, it wouldn't make a difference to me. So I've done that. The other one I've done is um I've started to like at my own breakfast is basically pre-done. So the only thing I do is I nuke my oatmeal and that's it. Like my coffee set, it automatically starts at uh like 6:50 in the morning. Because I'm like, why am I going through the whole routine now? She's asleep, dude, at 845 if I don't fall asleep, right? So I think routine helps me. And it's not that I'm like everything has to have its place, and I'm like that sort of routine. It's more about eliminating because I'm gonna I'm gonna go get her in the car and she's like, Dad, you need to get my water. And especially with the foot, hobble back to the house or get her bottle of water, yeah. Right. For you know, and I'm not gonna tell her don't drink water. I'm like, no, that's fantastic. Let's have more water, it's good. So I think the routine definitely helps me as well. Yeah, the go back. Some of like the yeah, some of the surprises. And it would be nice if kids remembered to put on shoes. That would be good. Especially when it's 40 degrees outside. Does yours like to take off? Does yours like to take off their jackets in the car?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yeah. Like, well, I was like, hey guys, let's put on your coats. So there's a like we have our shoes by the back door. Like, we'll walk up, like, grab your backpacks, put on your coats, put on your shoes, and it used to be grab your mask and let's get in the car and go to school. And then there'd be some sort of fight about someone's coat being on top of someone else's coat, and then or shoes like weren't by the back door like they were supposed to, or any multitude of um shenanigans. And then oh my gosh. I just I I got into the whole thing in the morning. But anyway, so the where was I where were we going with this one?

Matt:

Getting ready routines.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, yeah. So um, with the idea of being able to just get in the car and happen. Yeah, yeah. And um there's almost always like we get in the car and one of my children who will name remain nameless, um will get into the car and immediately take their coat back off again.

Matt:

One of my children does that as well.

SPEAKER_03:

And they're in a car seat, and and they yeah, and the okay. And yeah, and then we get to where we're going, and I'm like, time to get out. And like, what I'm like, um, why is this still a thing when it's freezing cold outside? We gotta like do all the all the things again. But yeah, I definitely have one that's gonna be.

Matt:

So she she's gonna get hot, and I'm like, it's literally seven minutes from your your school. It's 36 degrees outside. I have to get you out of the car. I'm freezing, putting your jacket on. Like, can you just so I but I'll be and like though there's a couple times like I mean, we're talking full blown, kicking, screaming. I'm on. I'm like, you know what? Spontaneously combust. Like, I can't now. There might be a safety thing with a car seat, I'm not 100% sure, but like she's depending on the puffiness of the coat, then yeah. Yeah, we're not talking she has like a super puffy coat, but like yeah, and I'm like, really, kid? Like, can you it because it's you're gonna be and sure enough, she'll be and I've actually uttered this phrase. I'm like, you know what? No, if you take it off, I'm not putting it back on. You're gonna learn, you're gonna learn that the walk from there to there is cold because this is ludicrous that we have to put your jacket on, take it off, put it on, take it. I don't even do it, and I'm hot in the car too. Like, I run hot.

SPEAKER_03:

And so yeah, that one's I'm glad it's there's actually been multiple times on that because for whatever reason it was this year when I had multiple kids going, I don't want my gym. No, I don't want to do it. I'm like, you know what? Fine. Um, fine. I got because I was tired. I was like, you know what? I'm tired of going, hey, it's snowing outside right now. You need to put a coat on to go outside to go to school. Like, I don't want to. I'm like, no, this needs to happen. Like, you know what? I'm not gonna have this battle. And then you get out of the car, like, I'm cold. I'm like, I know you are. I told you it was cold outside, and that's why I actually put a coat on. I'm not gonna ask you to do something that's gonna put you in harm's way or put you in danger. Like, I'm telling you to put your coat on because it's gonna keep you warm and safe.

Matt:

Like, I'm I'm stealing this, and it's not it's more not quite this extreme with the goat coat, goat, the coat on or off. Or a goat. Maybe the kids wear goats. I don't know. I don't know what you do out there in mountain country. Uh that uh that um Jordan Peterson, an author, said he's I've heard his quote a couple of times of you've got to let your kids learn date learn dangerous things carefully. Yeah. I love I love how that's it's so eloquent. It's like, yeah, yeah. Like I don't want her sticking her finger in the wall socket 27 times, but you know what? I told you not to. It's not gonna kill you. Go ahead. Like, I don't even curve, but but it's like at some point they gotta learn knives are sharp. Is that is that the 220 bolt? No, no, okay, good. No, right. Sometimes knives are sharp. I don't want to go to the ER either, but like it's like, you know what? You're gonna can I jump off of this? Sure. Find out. Like, it's not gonna break anything, but you may it's gonna hurt. Like, you know, you're gonna get a bruise. You're gonna remember this. Right. I've taught you where the brake is on your on your bike and your scooter. You're gonna need to learn to use it. I just hit the I just hit the park car again. Yeah, learn to break. Like, I what do you I'm not moving the car for you? Like, I what do you want me? It's not our car. Like, you know, you have the helmet on, you're be fine, you're not going 90 miles an hour. Everyone just let my kid hurt herself. But I love that. Like, you know, sometimes you have no amount, even as an adult, sometimes no amount of telling's gonna, we're gonna you just you have to learn. Yeah, um back to real quick with the hangry. I was wondering, do you ever do you ever is there ever like you go? I just to I looked at it and I was like, oh, this is a good question. You ever go like, wow, I really haven't had or I need to have insert any type of food? Like, wow, I haven't had a vegetable in three days. Like, is it do you ever like nutrition-wise, go like, whoa, maybe that's contributing to anything, or are you pretty much no? I I keep a pretty tight rate on that one. Yeah. Um, I've realized there's sometimes like I look at the fruit bowl and I'm like, um, someone's not eating fruit in this house.

SPEAKER_03:

Why are the bananas going bad again? That's nice. Didn't I buy those?

Matt:

Oh wow. I think we're having kids, banana bread. Let's go.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, we don't like banana bread. Yes, you do. It's gonna be amazing. We're gonna have like four loaves of it.

SPEAKER_01:

He didn't like the banana in its original form. Let me induce you to his friend called banana bread.

SPEAKER_03:

And you guys love your breads, right? Yeah, we love carbs, like, yeah, cuz some bread in the head perfect.

Matt:

I yeah, it's uh I think it's just the general mine has been more like if it's I've realized there's been a couple of stretches. Breakfast, not so much, but due to like circumstances, like lunch and dinner will be like fast meals. They're not necessarily the worst, but like we'll just go like uh you know, a fast meal and then like a dinner out, and then like a fast meal and dinner out, like lunch, dinner on like especially if we're doing something to go see my old daughter do something, or we got people around and we're it's like come to dinner with us. You're like, oh great. And then I'll all of a sudden I'll realize I'm like, it's been like three or four days where I haven't had a non-breakfast meal in my house. And I'm like, that can't be good. Yeah, no amount of like eating out can ever be all the time gonna be healthy for you. And so I've noticed that where I'm like, you know what? I really like a nice chicken breast with some steamed vegetables and you know, a cider rice at my house. Like I just you need some like some decent, and I kind of look at her and go, like, that might be explained why we're having issues doing some other stuff too. So I'm like, Right. Keeping it regular, yeah, keeping it regular. So I wasn't sure like nutrition-wise. Oh, um, routine, sleep. And what about have you noticed too like lack of your own physical activity contributing to not being able to like either not being able to work out, not being able to kind of like I that's what I realized with the boot on that I realized one of the things is definitely true is like I can't exercise my frustration out. That's why I've realized I gotta find like a different outlet to kind of move my body to get rid of something.

SPEAKER_03:

I think I've locked that one in because that was definitely something I was looking for for at the beginning. Um So I there's definitely I know like because of scheduling sometimes like I I like to try to get at least one kind of physical activity in every day, whether it's like on the stationary or climb or workout or or whatever. But like occasionally there are days where for one reason or another I can't. And I think like one day one day is okay. I can usually get through with one day before, like, but by the second day, I notice a difference.

Matt:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

For sure. Um, and it's like, and it's not massive, but it's to the point of like, oh, something's off or I'm missing. Like there's there's a there is a slight difference. Um, not to the point of like the sleepiness bit, but um I've the the like I've definitely determined that or discovered, I guess. I guess discover is a better way to put it. Like I've definitely discovered that having constant some sort of daily, constant physical activity helps. Like it's not like you see those jokes of people going I'm like like work out the emotions or whatever, I forget like the memes are or whatever those are, but like um, but like just and I think too because before I wasn't doing any of it because pre-loss, yeah, pre-loss, yeah. They had like that was one of the things that had kind of like disappeared, and um, there was a lot of sitting in my basement watching TV after bedtime and things like there was anything else to do, yeah. And it just like it became the jam, and and it's definitely been like a reself discovery that it it helps whether it's the dopamine or whatever, like there's definitely a stress relief for me with physical activity.

Matt:

And I think it's one of those things too, kind of like reading. You can only like you can multitask with a lot of different things. You can listen to a podcast and multitask, you can listen to musical effects, you can cook dinner and answer email, like but like you're moving your body, so you can't there's only so much you can multitask. You can maybe put on a TV show, but that's only good if you're like mindlessly doing cardio. You I can't imagine trying to like focus on lifting something or no, you're like your keys or something. It's just not right. So it's one of the few things kind of like reading that you just you have to set your mind to it. So I wonder if that's part of it.

SPEAKER_03:

Like like I I I bounce back to the climbing frequently, but there's actually some really good papers out now with regards to like bouldering and antidepression and some pretty serious benefits involved because you're you can you like you you dial into a like there's actually ones where they say, Okay, this these uh psychiatrists will sit down, these people go like okay, today before we climb, we're going to pick one thing that we want to focus on or work on, like, and that's gonna be the so like for me initially, I was like, all right, well, the death scene for me was gnarly. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to visualize the death scene, and I'm gonna do this physical activity. And so there's absolutely nothing else going on between you, the the climbing, the visualization, and working through it, and like it's it's this um, I don't know, it's it was really it was really fantastic. And so, like on those kinds of things, like if you're dealing with something, you can kind of like and I know like for some people that do yoga, they dedicate a yoga session, like, okay, for whatever, like another good example, yeah. Yeah, we're we're gonna do like like like visualize for this, like for yoga. Today's session will be for, and sometimes the yoga instructor will kind of encourage a particular theme, or they'll say, like, whatever, like, but like to kind of have that purposeful dedication and focus when you go into one of these, like you're just not like mindlessly doing it. And don't get me wrong, there's definitely times where just unplugging and moving your body is amazing.

Matt:

Oh, that's um well, and too, is like like a lot of times when you talk about that, like yeah, I'm just gonna use the example of like getting on a treadmill, right? That's a wonderful cardio exercise. There's nothing wrong with that. But you can just start plotting along, and that's almost like a meditation, right? Your body, you just get in kind of this groove and you're just doing this thing. Next thing you know, whatever noise is in your head you're able to either focus on and dissect, or you're just such in a repetitive state, you that's all you're really doing. You're like left foot, right foot, left foot, right. Like you're just kind of in this repetitive. So there's kind of positives to both. And I if you can, I put in the show notes, maybe we'll put a link to some of those articles about like how to maybe visual, like give people some tips on like if there's articles on how to visualize some stuff and work through it.

SPEAKER_03:

The most recent one was like out of Norway, I think, or like it was a couple European studies that they actually like really focused on it. Um, I think it was was it was it EMDR?

Matt:

Yeah, that's the yeah, the yep, that's another one.

SPEAKER_03:

You can self in this like in essence, you're self stimulating an EMDR therapy session right by doing that with it, swimming, running, but that bilateral movement. And so it can kind of carry over. Um, and so like that was something that really kind of helped.

Matt:

And I think me with my foot, I know that I think we talked about it originally, and I realized that there was due to having to sit and not literally and figuratively run from some stuff, but I'm like, can I like there's only so much I can do? So let me process some stuff that I was subconsciously and you know consciously avoiding for a multitude of reasons, both healthy and unhealthy. But I was like, oh, I can't make the excuse that I'm going to the gym, I'm going here, I'm doing this to not deal with this box of pictures or this, you know, this thing that I'm I'm trying to do. And I think that not saying that physical activity is bad, but I was using some of it as a as a time consuming uh excuse. Like I have to go do this rather than deal with this. And I think sitting down and doing it has also made me realize, too, though, that like I could I needed to be moving and taking care of my body to relieve stress. But using that the last thing I need to be doing is using it as an excuse not to deal with emotional stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

Did you find yourself getting uh more frustrated or having those angry moments while you were having to kind of purposely dive into those memory activities?

Matt:

No, I you know what I found actually was when I was doing those like we'll call them like I don't know what you just call them, but uh emotional act, I think you said emotional activities. I just found myself actually being more uh like I want to say subdued is not the right word. Like I'm just drained. It wasn't like an energy frustration drained. It was like, can we just put on bluey and sit here for two hours now? I don't want to parent, I don't want to, I'm not mad, I'm not in, I'm just I'm emotional, I've drained, right? Kind of like emotional exhaustion, not to emotional frustration. So one feels like my tank is empty and I'm aggravated about it. The other feels like I burnt my take for a good reason.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. Yeah, there's two very different ones, right?

Matt:

Like my tank's empty because I I dealt with some stuff and I'm I'm just I'm tired. I'm emotionally tired right now. And the other is I drain my tank out of frustration, either like pushing things away and not trying to, you know, like whatever I ingested not happy information for me and I'm angry about it, right? So push that out and you know, I've got to clean up the mess I made and push that out because I'm not happy about that and the can't find the tax form, whatever, push that. So it's all like a negative drain, right? In a negative sense, not a positive sense. Yeah, weird about, but I think that's what I've noticed. But what I have noticed, especially as I'm now allowed to do a little more exercise, I'm like, I think I realize that, and I'll repeat it, that I need to do it, but it can't be an excuse not to do other things. Like it can't, it needs to be a priority, but I can't use it as an excuse not to do some emotional work that needed to be done and continued needs to be done. So and I like your about I put that in there. The is it EMDR and the bilateral movement? And then the the last, I think the little last thing to talk about is with all that said, at what point do we go? Well, I'm just gonna have to, because we watch a lot of frozen, I'm just gonna have to let that go. Like, do you ever just like let's let's talk about like the frustration with a never ending, and this is every parent on the planet, so this is in a solo death, the worst of thing and owning it and apologizing to the kids later.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, and just I I think that's and for me, like that's that's been key on those moments where I've known, like, after I dropped them off, I'm like, God, son of a like like that was stupid. And so I picked the kids up like, hey, remember this morning when dad was acting like an idiot. I was wrong. I handled this inappropriately, I should have had like this, and I'm sorry. Like, just to kind of take that ownership and let them know that I realized and it's not them, it's me. And I probably you know what?

Matt:

For as many sorries that I get from Blair, I probably don't tell her sorry enough. I'll explain to her that I'm not mad at her, but I don't know if I apologize. And that's probably something I can build into my vernacular for sure, more often with her.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, yeah, I try to do that for sure. And then definitely like the coat thing. Like, sometimes, like, why are we having this argument? You know, like yeah, or like especially with like with sometimes, like, hey, did you brush your hair this morning? Oh no, I didn't. Like, well, it's time to go. It's uh it's easy to bring back day. What are you doing? Like, you can't walk out there with a hairbrush, like, well, today we are, yeah, okay.

Matt:

And I think that sometimes, and you have to be in the right, like, you can't just give you can't always just give up. But like the example I was talking to about too is like I for full disclosure, like I was doing a great job of keeping the laundry clean. I was not doing a good job of putting it away. And I realized I looked around, I'm like, every room in the house has a and when I say pile, I mean pile of clean clothes, like they were all clean, just not put away. So, like there was a pile of perfectly clean towels in the living room on a chair, and I'm like, what is wrong with you? And so for a few days I just kind of let it go. And then the other day I was like, This is ridiculous. Like, put the clothes away. Stop having Blair pick her outfits out of a pile of clothes before someone calls in CPS and be like, Oh, your child judges herself out of a pile of clothes. Yeah, we do pile of clothes.

SPEAKER_03:

What? It's like, but why is she wearing the same shirt five times this week? It was in the pile. Yeah, there's always clean it's her favorite shirt.

Matt:

Yeah, we clean it every day. So I think that's the other where I was like, there's a little bit of let it go, but there's also a point of like, well, you kind of kind of have to get it done. But apologizing to them probably is good and taking some ownership. I also, someone one time, uh, I think it was one of my therapists, talked about and he uses this example of like, you know, a single dad, solo dad's making dinner for the family, and he drops the ketchup bottle, right? As he's like plating dinner, if you will. It goes everywhere, explodes all over the kitchen. And he kind of looks at his kids, and he could go one of two ways. He could go anger, right? Frustration, or he can shake it off and be like, it's not about the ketchup right now, it's about having dinner with my kids. So I'm gonna sit down, we're gonna eat dinner when there's a ketchup bomb that had gone off in the kitchen. And I know that's not every time, but that resonates with me a lot of times because there was a time I dropped Blair's like snack crackers, right? Like I'm putting it back and it like miss the shelf and it just goes everywhere. I mean, and you're like, how is this possible? This Toubbleware container explodes this way, and there's like not a cracker in the container, they're all over the floor, their little snack cups ready to go in the car. And she like looks at me, I'm like, We're going to the park. The crackers will be on the floor, you know. Let's go. Yeah, and you gotta you gotta be able to do that from time to time. You can't walk over crackers in your kitchen for a week, so you do have to clean them up, which I did in five days. No, and I got a dog in the city. Having a dog would be very handy. Oh, I'd never have to mop my kitchen floor. Um, so I think that's the last thing I would say is you know, maybe occasionally give the right amount of grace. You can't give yourself grace all the time, but sometimes you're just gonna have to go, like, you know what? It's it's just something I can't get worked up over about. It's just at the right at this moment, that thing I'm gonna have to let go. Whatever sense of perception, perfection or doneess or the way we want our kid to look. Or I remember just the other day, Blair was picking, and I let her, she pretty much picks out her outfits every morning and is you know, doing a she's about in 70, 80 percent of the way of dressing herself for the most part. And she had some activity the other day, and I started to tell her she can't wear that. And then I was like, you know what? You wear what you want. If you want to, if you want to go jump in the mud with a pink tutu on, you generally wear the pink to two, you know what? It can all wash. Like I would rather you wear jeans and a shirt I don't care about, but you know what? That's fine. Like, why am I telling her it kind of just let it go and be like, you know what? We'll wash it, it'll be fine. So yeah, um, anything else that comes to mind as we talk about anger or anything like that, or any last things you wanna anything else you want to throw on this before we wrap up.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I don't know, yeah. Just and also forgive yourself, I think too. On some of it, like even like even if you had like when you had your partner, um, there were still times you got angry, and you know, granted you can't tag out and go blow off steam in the other room, but like there's there's gonna be circumstances that are gonna make things uncomfortable, awkward, and have that happen. And I just you know, just like give yours give yourself a break if and when it does happen.

Matt:

I wonder if it's like, does it feel like we're more angry because there's no one we can go to at the end of the day and be like, you know what? Our little pains in the asses did because you can't, there's no like there's no little outlet to like blow off that steam with or commiserate with like you know what our little or get the old phrase of you know what your kid did today, right?

unknown:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

Your child did blah blah blah blah your child.

Matt:

Um uh yeah, I think that's a really good point, man. Um, hey, as always, Ben, man, uh I appreciate it. Uh, you guys, man, kids have a great spring break. And uh we will be doing absolutely nothing for our spring break because dad's foot is in an air cast, so we're just gonna be hanging out. We have family coming into town to visit. They haven't seen Blair in a while, so that'll be good. But that's that'd be super awesome. Yeah, so um, I'll put some so just to follow up, I will uh drop some show notes and some of the the stuff we mentioned, so maybe some articles and stuff. So if you want to check that out, that would be super cool. Um, we're all over social media. We are solo dad podcast uh at gmail.com if you want to send us a note. And greatly appreciate all the feedback we've gotten and everyone who's following us. So continue to enjoy the conversations and thank you so much. Thanks, everyone.