Episode 1.9 Summer is over, Back To School preparations - Matt and Ben

Matt and Ben talk about end of summer, and preparing for back to school as the solo parent.  Making decisions in a relationship vacuum.  Tools such as password keepers, "mom calendars", and other tools to help. 

Find us where ever your ears roam
-Spotify:  https://open.spotify.com/show/4juZNMsIh5EK5k1QS7pet4?si=5281795548894903
-iTunes:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-solo-dad-podcast/id1573131421
-Audible: https://www.audible.com/pd/Podcast/B08JJNFC2K?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp&shareTest=TestShare
 

Beverages
Matt is enjoying Baby Blue Balcones - https://balconesdistilling.com/spirit/baby-blue/

Ben is sipping a  Argentine Malbec by Familia Bianchi - https://www.wine.com/product/famiglia-bianchi-malbec-2019/716387#promoBarModal


Books, Resources or etc
Password Keeping Apps - https://www.pcmag.com/picks/the-best-password-managers

Follow Solo Dad
Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/solodadpodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/SoloDadPodcast
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/solodadpodcast

Communicate with Solo Dad
solodadpodcast@gmail.com

Help Solo Dad By
Like and Subscribe to the Podcast
Leave a Review on iTunes
Share this post

#solodadpodcast #podcaster #backtoschool #griefjourney #griefsupport #datingafterloss #learningtoloveagain #solodad #soloparenting #parentingalone #widower #widowlife #newpodcastalert #podcastaddict #retailtherapy 

Transcript

Matt: 0:23

This is MAP along my buddy Pal friend, and I finally stumbled upon what I used to say. Peeps in Grief, aka a pig. What's up, my friend? Not a man. I'm doing I had an acronym, right? My peeps. And then I was like, it's not peeps. And then the night I'm like, people in grief. PIGs. Yeah. Sorry, sorry, tribe of allies out there listening. Coopic Suey. That's right. And there was there was also, I think, Pit and Pig. People in there or something. I have to ask. Yeah, one of the other widows and widowers had a acronym. Um, I am partaking of um Balcoons, I think I'm saying that correctly, baby blue made from roasted blue corn. It's a corn whiskey. It's the original Texas whiskey. And you know, I cannot recall who, where, or why I got it, but it is quite delicious.

SPEAKER_02: 1:21

I've never had a blue corn whiskey before. Um let's I'm I'm drinking an interesting little cocktail, and I it is it's a Malbec, but it's based with an Italian family. Um, but like you can't theoretically grow those grapes. They're it's from Argentina, but it's an Italian family called uh Familia Bianchi.

Matt: 1:54

You're going with the healthy red wine option.

SPEAKER_02: 1:56

I know good for the family winemaking since 1928. Wow. Yeah, so they've been around for a minute. It's actually kind of tasty. Not too bad, man.

Matt: 2:05

Cheers. So cheers to you, my friend. Uh, we're kind of in the downside of summer, kind of coming into the end of camps and whatever, and and getting ready to to start school again. How's that kind of transition going for you? Because I found it interesting. I got the whatever email from uh Blair Sprequet, and I was like, Oh, yeah, she's gonna go five days a week. This is like really happening here. And there's like a list of things I have to get as a responsible adult. And then the entire flip side to that is finished up a college tour uh with the oldest one. So you want to talk about two different spectrums. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. It's a huge one starting, one's one's about ready to wrap up and start a whole different adventure. Um, but even just kind of the older one too, like wrapping up her summer. She's gonna stop her summer job a week early just to kind of enjoy a little bit of summer. Well, good for her to have less. Yeah, she well, you you met her. We were out there, um, good kiddo. And so I'm just realizing, I'm like, oh, it's still summer out, but I need to start prepping for the beginning of the school year and and getting ready for that. How's that kind of little little shift going for you? Because I know that there's a gap of camps and stuff, like as a solo parent, like I'm like, oh, and that's the other thing I'll I'll say real quick, just to any of the other solo dads listening. Whatever timetable you have in your head that you think you need to sign up for something, add 50% to it. So if you think it's a year out, do it 18 months out way earlier, right?

SPEAKER_02: 3:34

Because there's a group of people on it.

Matt: 3:36

Yes, they're already on it, they've already done it, and they're telling you to do it earlier than you think. So, anyway, I also recognize that. I was like, Oh, I gotta go get these supplies and be ready early. Um so how's that how that kind of ramping down for you?

SPEAKER_02: 3:48

So I like there's there's a couple of things I love about the school my kids go to. Um, they use this service, I think it's like like first choice or something, where the teachers actually get to go in and they pre-fill out everything that the kids are gonna need for school. And you can actually go online and go, here's my kids' school, here's my kids' teacher, buy the kit, and it gets shipped to the school, which is genius.

Matt: 4:15

I love it. I bet if someone thought of that, they could fund themselves to fly into space.

SPEAKER_02: 4:21

Oh my gosh. Oh, wait, a guy did that so uh yeah, in the in the in the sexiest rocket ever. Oh my god, right.

Matt: 4:32

So many, so many things. What was it? One of the memes that or not memes, one of the things that came out was like the the the definition of a perfect divorce is you get 50 50 billion dollars and your ex leaves the planet. Yeah, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, can't can't say that. That's it, that's the thing. So the and what about coverage for the yeah, and yeah, yeah, so yeah, so then uh so that part's fantastic.

SPEAKER_02: 5:00

But then I will say that whatever for whatever reason out here, there's this two-week gap between all available camps and then when school starts. And so historically, we would do like um like women take a week off, and I would take a week off, and it'd just be like play with the kids. So you kind of get this brain transition of like, okay, summer camps are over. This is kind of the wrap-up of summer, and then off we go. Um, but uh what I'm doing this time, I mean, like it's like last time I was weird because of COVID, so nothing was going the same way we had the nanny kind of push all the way through. Um, but this time taking the kids on a little trip, I've I've saved up some of the vacation and taking just the two weeks off. Um taking them to go play up in the mountains for a little bit, and then um my parents are actually coming in town for the first time in a very long time, um, uh since like pre-COVID. So they're coming in town and we're gonna get to hang out, uh, which is gonna be a super awesome time. So they're gonna get some grandma and grandpa time, um, and then have a couple days before they kick off. And so they're ready. Um, I think they kind of feel it just like everybody else, kind of like, holy crap, is it already over?

Matt: 6:24

They're they're they're staying up late and working and staying up late and waking up early.

SPEAKER_01: 6:27

They're like, I gotta squeeze every time. Summer, summer, summer, summer. They're like, can we go to the pool? Can we go the fountain? Can we go to the found? Can we go to the pool? Can we do this? I'm like, uh, yeah, we could try to squeeze that in in between some of this other stuff.

Matt: 6:39

Some of this other many things we have to do. Well, and that's it, it's just kind of interesting, right? It's and I think we'll get a little bit of a segue into that. It's like you're saying, you know, like you um you take some time off while Gren would have worked or whatever, um, to kind of cover that gap. And kind of that idea of there's there's a a balance that hopefully, and I probably should stop saying this, but you know, if you're in a good, healthy relationship and it it ended and not in a way anyone would have envisioned that you that balance kind of goes away, right? And so, like the the way you used to volley or yin. Yeah, divide and conquer, yeah, goes away. And so I, you know, my first kind of dabble to that was when I was first looking at uh pre-Ks and daycares for Blair, going like, Oh, I'm in a vacuum, and the person I would talk to about this isn't here, or you know, these two are out. What do you think about these or whatever, or just the read on her face when you walk in, right? Because we actually looked at daycares before she was diagnosed, and it was like one we walked in, we're like, Oh no, we it's oh, she gave me the absolutely not like okay, we're not going here. Um, and and so that sort of thing, and finding that balance of like, you know, how did you doing it on we're doing it on our own, but then almost like in the back, like almost recalling our spouse and going, like, not necessarily what would they do, or like that we're necessarily acquiescing into someone that's not here, but it's just kind of interesting, right?

SPEAKER_02: 8:08

And so they kind of check some balance with validation on those kinds of things, like on any of those like large decisions, like i.e. preschool, daycare, renovations, large item purchases, like all those kinds of things where you'd normally kind of go, Hey, this is what I'm thinking. Let's talk it out and see your bounce idea, or what is your opinion on this? It's yeah, sometimes that gap is um tricky to fill if um depending on how comfortable you are talking with others about it or whatnot.

Matt: 8:42

Right. And then also there's there's no one to blame when it goes wrong because it's just you. You can't you have no one, yeah. There's no, yeah, there's no scapegoat. I mean, I guess you could try to blame the dog, but that's that's you know, you aren't really so far with that, right? Like it's their fault. She didn't tell me anything about what she wanted with out of her daycare. Um, I also find it as um due to what's going on in my house, you know, having the basement finished, things have physically literally come up from the basement that was put away for whatever different reasons that I'm having to process. And I know you and I talked about kind of off the air about like again that balancing act and you know, the the divide and conquer, like you just said, or the pros and cons of what strengths and weaknesses, hopefully that you know we were supported through. I, you know, going through stuff, um, whether or not my wife Marcy was really good at it, actually, you know, liked to do it or not. I don't know, or she, you know, um just was more efficient at doing it. Like I had a box of like think imagine a shoe box, but it was a fancy box, right? Like from the container store.

SPEAKER_02: 9:50

But it was a shoe box. But it was fancy, a little bit thicker walls, a little bit taller.

Matt: 9:53

Yeah, and it had a little thing where you could label it, and there's a label on it because that's what Marcy would do for manuals, as in like the manuals for the dehumidifier in the basement. Just in case anyone's wondering, you plug them in. That's the entire thing you do. There's no there's a little filter you, you know, like wash with hot water. For whatever, then you can for extra parts, you just buy a new one, they're like$69 anyway. And so I'm like going through, and uh, and then in my fashion, right? I'm going like, well, maybe right, and I'm hanging on to it, where my wife would have been like, Why are you keeping the manual to the dehumidifier? And more importantly, I stumbled onto a few that were from two houses ago, and I'm like, Why is this in here? So, in that kind of yin and the yang and filling both roles, not just with parenting, as we've talked about a couple of times, but also in the doing and managing the household. Uh I would actually I'm gonna do an asterisk and maybe one day we like and get them on here. I've heard of people that actually like created a mom calendar when paper used to be a thing, and they'd put it up because it was mom was so good at birthdays and cards and whatever that he filled it all out. So every month he'd turn it over and he would remember to go because his wife was so good at it.

SPEAKER_02: 11:16

Yeah, right. Yeah, Gwen was good about that too. Like she puts birth years in it and like reminders and all the things, and yeah.

Matt: 11:24

So, how do you how do you find in the managing of like the house, like like what do you find challenging, or what do you I also like kind of shake my fist, right? Like, as as wonderful as Marcy was at purging, getting rid of his stuff. There's boxes of stuff where I low shake my like this. Is the one I have to go through, the one of the pictures from high school to college? Really? I have to sort through this. Thanks for the heartache, babe. I love you. Yeah, this is awesome. Yeah, like what what have we found like the the that you do? And then what like is there anything that you curse the sky at or um like the managing of being a solo?

SPEAKER_02: 12:03

Um, yeah, we had, I mean, we we had come down to a pretty efficient system of like you're better at this, you're better at this, you handle this, I'll handle this. And I would say probably the largest thing that was hard for me to pick up was the finances because Gwen was exceptional with that, she could budget. I was more of a fly by the saver pants of very shiny, pretty. Um, let's live for the moment and figure it out later kind of thing. Um, and so we we realized early that it was much better off for her to handle that and then in essence kind of give me an allowance. And it worked that way very well for a long time.

Matt: 12:49

So, how big is your allowance now?

SPEAKER_01: 12:51

It's all of it. I get the whole thing, it's amazing, but it goes away so quickly.

SPEAKER_02: 12:58

Um, and uh and so the the so that it was really tricky in the beginning, and I'm gonna put a little uh little footnote in there. Um, and it's if anyone who's listening has not lost their significant other, share passwords, share logins, whether it's a there's like there's services that will keep all of it, and all you have to do is share one password or thing, like I password keeper is yeah, yeah, like or like a lockbox or something, something lifesaver for me. Oh, we didn't have one, and so like she handled all the finances, so not only was I knee deep in post-grief fog and haze, but I was having to try to go through there and find passwords and logins and auto pays and like what accounts where so like extrapolate grief emotion on top of stress of trying to make sure bills are paid, how to log in. It was horrendous. And I would say that was like the biggest transition for me was adapting to her style of um money management while trying to figure it all out while also functioning as a parent and an adult. Um that one was the trickiest, I would say. Like that left the that was the hardest one to do, and partially because there was just so much extra work surrounding it. And so you're already exhausted, you're already tired, yeah, you're super emotional, and then you go, like, let's really add some stress, let's throw in to this.

Matt: 14:49

I think in the top five of relationships is money, and by the way, the person's not there to yeah, to help you. So yeah, so that one was super messy. Did you have anything? I so the I I half lucked out, right? So obviously, terminal diagnosis. So we we had taken care of some things knowing that things weren't gonna, you know, eventually, and even in some of her chemo, they call it chemo brain, chemo fog. There was a couple of times where she's like, I think you may need to overlook some stuff, like see, make sure I did it right. And I'm like, and Marcy had a finance background, she had you know had an MBA and and was uh CFO of organizations and stuff anyway. And so, like, she was very finance-oriented, but what I did notice was like, and I was jotting this down, was that it was like you said, it was her style, and I was like, why why is this bill auto pay like coming out of the bank? And this one's coming like they reach into the bank, like you know what I mean, like push pull. And I was like, Wait, why is there a reason for that? Why did we set it up that way? Why was like one, you know, making you know, always auto paying the minimum payment, not the balance, even though we pay the balance off. I I just and probably part of it had to do with cash flow and whatever, right? Like, she probably made sense when she did it, but actually, post I was like, some of these were really bizarre to me. Um, there is a the I on the password thing, man, this one is huge. And I I hope if people if people can share one nugget from this thing would be, and I can't speak for any other organization, but Apple specifically, if you don't have their password, you ain't uh ever getting into it. Yeah, and so if they want to hide it away so you can't hack them and your relationships in that space or whatever, fine. But I'm telling you, thank goodness my wife had a repetition of a way she created passwords, and it took me like three guesses, and I got it. Because she had a very formularic way of doing hers, and it was like, Well, if it's not this, then it's this with this, right? And so if it's something because you'll go into the Apple store and have heard this horror stories, they're like, We can't unlock the phone. Yeah, every picture, every video. So if you can get onto the iCloud account, you can move stuff around, and then all you have to do is also pro tip the minute you get in, change the password or something you know. Yeah, because I ran out a few times too. I'm like, what numbers was she using? And I find out it's like her senior year locker at high school plus her favorite number and her volleyball her yeah, her volleyball number jersey. And I'm like, these numbers make no sense to me, right? Like, like so we're just gonna do it cool guy one, two, three, which is my password for everything. I'm showing that with already. No, uh, don't forget the exclamation point at the end. Yeah, well, yeah, of course, exclamation point. What are we just gonna let savages run run? But I think so. That was it was more the style, like you're saying, like the the kind of how she did it, where I'd be like, I like to push all my money out, not let random dates of people come take it. I'm like, listen, I don't care if it's due the uh 16th, 20th, or 30th, all the money goes out on the 15th, like just like for me personally. Um, so we had password keepers, so that helped, and that's like a an app you can get. The the one the I'm trying to think back. I think the Apple one was I I that was a definite nail biter because I'd already been warned about that. Um I think I think for me it was also getting used to like how she had um categorized money, right? So we had like we had every day, we had emergency, and then we had like uh big spend, but like you replenish it, right? So oh you buy the new couch and then you you save it back up again and then whatever. And so we had all these different accounts, and when all that changes for my situation, I'm like, why is it all over the place? Shouldn't it just all be in one spot? Yeah, because I'm not saving up for anything anymore. When I I'm not taking a trip with my wife or whatever to a cool place or whatever. So that was another one where and it felt really this is another thing that if um it felt really weird to move some safety nets away, right? So like the rainy day fund just just went into my general whatever it wasn't in a different bank account in a different place, it just went into a savings account that's attached to the checking, which then all of a sudden I was like, the money's gone. Well, it's not gone, it's just in it, right? So that was again with the way she categorized it, that was and that brought a lot of anxiety in my situation where I was like, but that money needs to be there, and like it's there, but it's in a different spot, right? And it just felt really odd not to have it. Um, and I think the other one, the other one was her level of organization is far was far superior to mine. So everything from like labeling hanging folders and stuff, like I throw everything in a house folder and she would hold have you know a folder for the room in the house in which the thing would go in. So it's so I'm like yeah, and so that was an eye opener too of going like, oh, yeah, this makes way more sense how she did it. Um, and I some of it I continued it, some of it it's you know, you kind of morphed. And then the other one, and I think you kind of touched on it the other, the other one that was really a struggle, and you Kind of mentioned it, but it was like big purchase or whatever it is. Regardless of your financial situation, whether it's new new tires on the car or you're gonna blow out the back wall and add an addition to the house, anything in between, there's this little voice in the back of your head that goes, Is this really what you should be doing? And when you're in grief, I don't want to call it guilt because I don't really think it's guilt, it's just this doubt of going like, and even if you put under the context, this doubt of going, like, should you really be doing this? And even if you paint over, like, well, they'd want me to be happy or they'd want you to hard or whatever, it's you don't actually know that, right?

SPEAKER_02: 20:38

Like, no, yeah, it's it's your like subconscious, it's your subconscious supporting your subconscious, right?

Matt: 20:43

And then if you were to pull whatever, 10 of her closest people, right? You may get 10 different answers, and then you're really confused. You're like, Well crap, now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. No, she definitely would want you to, you know, save all that money for the kids' college or what, and so that's another thing that kind of and it still comes up. I mean, I'm nearly three years out, and it'll still come up when I make a decision to do something. And what I've kind of had to embrace, and this is gonna sound weird, I think, to some folks, but it's like it's no longer our life, it's right now my life, uh-huh, right? With reference to who was here and who was in it, and I don't want to be disrespectful, but at the same time, I now have to make the best decisions for me and our daughter and what I think would be best in the context of around not necessarily bespurching my wife's legacy.

SPEAKER_02: 21:32

Well, and that's super healthy because it is your life now, yeah, and it is your daughter's life, and because things change and transition, and if you try to encapsulate a moment in time and like try to gauge everything off that moment, then you're going to add additional stress and potentially make a wrong move because you're focusing in maybe a direction that life has not taken you. So it's I think it's it's it's an important step in your brain to be able to transition and go, all right, this is something that should happen because it's good for the family now.

Matt: 22:14

And I think one of the things I just I just had a thought was um whether it's choice or force, right? So if you've lost your person, your income becomes half and you have to make a forced decision on where to live, or it's your choice, but either way, your situation, like you said, isn't locked in time. And so the input parameters to make your decision have changed. Grief is a layer or filter that's gonna go through. And right, let's just use that easy example of your income's cut in half, you cannot afford to stay in the house, but your rational brain is like, but we just lost the mother of my children, or what I've just lost the other person that's raising this family with me. I can't upheaval them anymore. Well, how much damage are you gonna do to yourself by living beyond your means and how long can you do that? Or now that it's and depending on where you know, time and whatever, you know, it's now your life to try to make as best as possible for the future, which was the same thing you were doing when it was our life. You're trying to make the best decisions for your future combined. But so I think that choice and force too, because sometimes our hands get forced, right? We have to make a decision percent or not, and other times it's our choice. Either way, I think it goes through that grief filter. And whether you choose to do it or you're forced to do it, you're still gonna feel funny about it.

SPEAKER_02: 23:34

Yeah, and I would say, like, my I had a uh an uncle who's experienced a tremendous amount of grief in his life, and he gave me a fantastic bit of information of um because right out of the gate, I was in a situation where income just about cut in half, kids still in daycare, no real life insurance because she'd been sick for so long. And so I'm looking at this scenario like, how am I gonna stay in the house? How am I gonna make this happen? Like I was like pre-stressing myself out. And um, my uncle came in and just said, don't do anything big that first year because your head's not right. You are good advice. Yeah, and it's and and like I look back, um, and I because I uh I was like, I was looking at different houses and I was like trying like trying to move the kids and like already like making all these assumptions and jumps and things. And um I was able to rework some things and we're still in the same house, the kids are still in the same school. Like it's everything has worked itself out on that side of it, yeah. And there was all this unnecessary stress because I was imagining worst case scenarios, because once again, grief does well a tremendous thing to your brain.

Matt: 24:46

You just had your worst case scenario, yeah, right? Like so you've you so now you're like worst case scenarios used to just be a scenario, your worst case scenario just became a thing, an actual event, right? Yeah, and I think that probably plays into it too, where the anxiety, like you said, gets ratcheted up where you're like, Well, before it was a what if it's a now this is a it happened, and so now it can happen, quote unquote it can happen again, right? Yeah, and that's it, that's it. I'm glad that's a really good I I think that's barring you know extreme uh situations. I think not that a year is the perfect major amount of time, but I would definitely say pause. Yeah, right. Like unless like there's you know, everyone has to kind of weigh out everything all together, but like you know, doing anything super dramatic or super um heavy, probably in the midst of heavy grief, is there's gonna be an error in the calculation, I think.

SPEAKER_02: 25:43

Yeah. Oh yeah, 100%. I mean between I mean, because your your brain and your body is going through so much at once. I mean, you've got part of it that's trying to struggle and understand what's going on. You've got another part of it that's trying to struggle and reinforce and keep your brain functioning and your body supported. And then if you have kids, you've got a part of your brain going, all right, well, I need to keep them going. And and it's just there's so much. I mean, like you can't, and like you too, like and you have that grief brain where you can't remember anything, you can't do complete thoughts. I'm like, I had post notes everywhere in my house because you just like because you just couldn't like and I like literally like on the doors and the refrigerator, and it was like I had one by the door said put on pants. You're like, yo, kind of like oh, did I forget it? Gosh, dang it. Ah, again, twice. Oh man. And oh, but like I it it was it was almost to the point of I remember like when we had our first kids, like the sleep deprivation, like just the brain is just not working.

SPEAKER_03: 26:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 26:46

And um, and you are you're like you're scrambling trying to find things and you're and like trying to find a solution and or try to find some sort of solace or or or drive or goal or just something like there's just there is too much going on in your brain and your body to try to make a big decision like that without something potentially going off.

Matt: 27:11

Well, and I think too, right? Like in that in that altered emotional state, uh, there are things you'll probably seek out that we'll just keep them on the healthy level that are healthy at the time. And then you'll go back and go, like, that was really not what I was seeking, but it was easy, like whether it's comfort food or you know, taking a feel-good trip, or uh maybe hypothetically spending too much money at Lululemon. I don't know who to do that on their birthday. Like, I don't know. That's a thing, just random example, totally random. Just throwing that out there because because it made you feel good and you were 30 days out of loss, and then you go back and you're like, no one needs no one who doesn't do yoga as a profession needs this much yoga gear.

SPEAKER_02: 27:57

Like, I'm just like I've never been much of a shopper. That's a friend.

Matt: 28:00

That's a friend of mine, uh not me. Retail therapy's a thing.

SPEAKER_02: 28:03

Oh, it's oh my gosh. Like, like there, like there's some sort of dopamine release or something when you like go like click, and then it's just there's a very short-term oh yeah. Internet makes it so easy. Yeah, like it's just like you need this, it's like shiny and pretty. Click your cheers now.

Matt: 28:19

And I think that's how I've wound up with like 4,000 Apple phone chargers. Where I'm like, well, I need a three, six, nine, and twelve footer for every room in the house. Apple's like adapted now, too.

SPEAKER_02: 28:33

Well, that was for the 11. Now you have the 12. Uh-oh. You're gonna need this now. We're not gonna supply this, so you're gonna have to buy that too.

Matt: 28:40

You know what? You might as well just you might as well move out of your house now. Your house is outdated. You can't handle it. This is a guy that owns everything, Apple. Yeah, and so what yeah, what's in so retail therapy is actually a thing. And going back to kind of the yin and the yang and not having the person to balance it out with, you know, there's a little bit and within within parameters, right? For everybody that's listening, like there's a little bit that I think is good, whether it's retail therapy or you just kind of cut loose and you go do whatever your thing is. There's I think there's a time for that in the first year because you just need something to alleviate being sad all the time. And I think that's okay, but I think that if if anyone goes back and makes an honest assessment of what they did in their first year, there are going to be a few decisions where we're like, Well, I just did that because I wanted to feel I wanted to feel good. Feel something, right? It made or feel anything, right?

SPEAKER_02: 29:33

Yeah.

Matt: 29:34

And it, you know, the decision parameter in the moment is like, yeah, totally. I could, you know, justify whatever it is. And then you have the thing, and a year later you're looking at the thing. Well, just stay with retail thing, and you're like, Why did I buy this? Yeah. I can on what planet do I need?

SPEAKER_02: 29:49

Yeah, I've got about three different things that I'm about to put back up for a sale that I bought. The same kind of thing, like you're going through there and you're like, I bet this will make me feel something or feel happy because it's whatever. And you get it, and you're like, I got it now. And you use it once, and you're like, that wasn't it.

Matt: 30:08

Yeah, I have looking for. Yeah, I have something that, yeah. I definitely there's two, I mean, there's two shopping, three, there's three shopping events that I definitely just kept saying this is what Marcy would want me to do, as some stupid rationalization. And I got some really, really nice stuff, and then COVID hit, and I haven't done anything that justifies wearing really, really nice stuff, which at this point I should probably just wear them around the house and say screw it.

SPEAKER_02: 30:41

Just like you should have a fancy night.

Matt: 30:42

I should, I think Fridays. Fancy Fridays with Blair. Well, just eat chicken nuggets and wear really nice clothes. So I think it, you know, I give your I'd say definitely give yourself permission to have those little uh pings of happiness in that first calendar year is kind of irrelevant, but just in that first season, I would say of that's a good way to put it season, yeah. Yeah, and then you know, because it's it's it is a thing. And I think that since you there's there's maybe your maybe your person would have eventually put down a hard no, or maybe they're really nice and they're like, Yeah, do whatever you want. But I'm I'm pretty confident Marcia would have been like, You're insane, knock it off.

SPEAKER_02: 31:23

Exactly. I don't stop it, just stop.

Matt: 31:28

This is 32 too many apple cords. But 33 is the right number.

SPEAKER_02: 31:32

But like, what if I'm in that room and I need it and I've got it? Like, no.

Matt: 31:36

What if I'm in that room and there's only a three foot and a six foot and I need 12? Let's just be honest. That's a that's six feet I gotta reach for the phone. That's ludicrous.

SPEAKER_02: 31:46

Yeah, and yeah, and it's and when and and all those things, and it's and it goes goes to uh like and it and it permeates everything that just I I didn't realize how many things I wanted bounced off someone until there wasn't that person to bounce it off of, whether it was an idea or a direction or something, whether it placemats for the table, whether we should have them, what the color they should be, or I mean, anything as stupid as that to re like repainting the house. I mean, like you said, like that whole the whole spectrum. It like and you don't realize how many times you would have a discussion going, I'm thinking this, what are you thinking? I'm envisioning, what are you envisioning? And just having that banter and that's it.

Matt: 32:42

I just always told I just always told Marcy, I'm like, why don't you just tell me what I'm supposed to think? It was much quicker to get.

SPEAKER_02: 32:52

Right. You just tell me the idea that I'm supposed to be able to do that. I've realized that it wasn't my idea.

Matt: 32:57

Why don't you just tell me the idea that you want me to have because we can just end it? No, I'm kidding. But no, you're right. And I and I think what you're touching on too is for me something I've I've kind of thought about, you know, which is relationships as as much as they are as, you know, uh standing in front of having a big ceremony and a wedding and all the great grandiesto gestures we can do um for the people we love. What I found out is I was like, wow, it's all the little things. It's the it's the you know, 30-minute conversation on the way to dinner about, you know, whether it's what do you think about drapes or what do you think about in-state versus out of state tuition for a kiddo, whatever big or small it may have been, now you're just in the car with a vacuum. Like there's just nothing. And so I think that that I would I had this epiphany. I was like, wow, relationships is is as wonderful as the big things are, and I'm not saying not to do them, they're not important, but I was like, I really, really miss the little things, and a lot of it had to do with the yin and the yang of like, you know, oh you know, again, like you actually in um in the house before I moved. What it was there a wasn't the landscape where I had that something to do with a bush. I think I was ripping out a bush. And the minute I was done, I'm like, oh, she would have been pissed because now you can see into this window that I wouldn't have thought about. And I was like, I have a she would have totally stopped me from ripping this bush out. Yeah. And I was like, biscuits. Like, just spent a day ripping this bush out, and she would have been like, No, I would have never even done it. I would have never done it, actually.

SPEAKER_02: 34:35

Yeah, I had like it was the reverse. Like, I was just I was trimming a bush, and she's like, Well, why don't we just get rid of it? It covers up this and you can't see it was like, but it like it frames, and she's like, No, I get and I had the same thing like here at the house. I was like doing some front yard maintenance, like doo doo doo doo doo, making it all pretty, and I was like, Oh, she totally would have just been like, This is ridiculous, just we'll remove it, just get it out of there, start fresh.

Matt: 34:59

So I think that that's the other part too, is as much as we can again, whatever the whatever part of them is in us from now and for forever, but we don't get the whole thing, and so and it's also biased, right? It's in us, we you know right. Um, you know, and so you can only bounce it off so much of the fictitious person that isn't available, yeah. The the mental imagery and the idea you're bouncing around, and also I think it depends on where you're at, too. Emotionally, you're like, Well, if I'm sad, of course she's gonna want me to be happy, so go order pizza for dinner, like of course, and be like, no, she's like, listen, fatty McFat Pants, you should have a salad. Like, that's probably what you would really say, right? But pizza's delicious, but the memory of my wife in my head would let me have pizza every single day. Like, and it and it's wings tonight, too, after that, followed up with wings on Tuesdays. It's 25 cent Tuesday wings. How can you? That's a that's a bargain at that price.

SPEAKER_02: 35:52

It's an idiot to say no, right?

Matt: 35:54

It's financially prudent to have wings on Tuesdays. Um, so I think that you know, the yin and yang, the balance. Did you uh specifically in the parenting realm? Are there people you reach out to? Because I'm gonna say something I've done in a minute, but is it do you have like a group of folks that you're like, hey, what do you think about this parenting method? Or hey, what do you think about you know, Rylan's sleep schedule currently? Or I mean, I know you're three in, so you have lots of you know you know experience, but I think it depends on what we're talking about, to be honest.

SPEAKER_02: 36:30

Um, on some of the stuff, I'm very particular with what the kids are doing and how I have it set up. I think it kind of gets to the point on things where I'm at my wit's end, whether it's but let's throw an example out there. Um being super um supportive with potty training. And I say that facetiously is that using sarcasm.

SPEAKER_01: 37:01

Oh my god. Yeah, I don't know.

Matt: 37:03

Mine's from the same playbook. She's decided she's gonna go number two on the potty when she's four, which is in like two weeks. So I keep reminding her, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 37:11

And and and um it's and it and it's one of those things where I I I I liken it back to um I was at a wedding in the Midwest. I'd taken my two oldest. At that point, I don't even think we had Ryland. Um, so we road trip to the Midwest. We did this, so there's the kids were tired, whatever. We did the wedding, we took them back to the room. They're bouncing around the hotel room. I'm just spinning by myself. And I call Gwen, I'm like, if you don't help me, I'm going to throw one of these children out the window of the hotel. Even though they don't open, I'm gonna figure out a way to throw one of these children out. And she goes, just do this. Yeah. And it's like, oh, and I did it and it worked. And so it's one of those things like where like when I get to a point where you're spinning in your own ideas, much like my youngest in potty training. I'm like, I've tried this, I've tried this, I've tried, and then I'll reach out, I'm like, okay, look, I don't know what else to do. I'm willing to take any ideas, and then I'll throw out some feelers.

Matt: 38:18

Um, and little pro tip if you're if you're into this sort of thing, um, I created a private group called Matt's mom brain, and it only has female friends, usually wives of my friends, and I ask them specific mom questions. Also being the father of a daughter, I there's some nuances there, right? Um, not and I have a dad brain, but I talk to those guys already, right? So, but it's a nice little spot to just do like a shotgun approach of like with in in you're talking about Rylan with uh the the restroom, the potty training restroom, hell fancy there, potty, uh going to the loo, if you will.

SPEAKER_02: 38:56

Uh the water closet.

Matt: 38:58

The hell. Um, that with with Blair's kind of doing the same thing. And the resounding answer I'm getting is either you get the diehard ones that are like, nope, you just do it. And you like you go, you go pantsless for a week. And I'm like, the last time I did that, she went, she got constipated. I'm like, so now I got a constipated kid that won't be. I'm like, I'm not doing this again. And then the resounding thing I'm hearing now is like, she'll do it when she's ready. I'm like, I'm in charge. Schools, illusion, the schools won't let me schools won't let me. So apparently yeah, and so there's that, but the other one was um uh oh, it's still happening, and and basically it's a thing. So Blair has uh I hate to label them as night terrors, but she has very intense dreams. Night terrors are a thing, yeah, for sure. I don't feel hers are quite terror-ish, but they come count that way where it's like she's flanneling her arms and legs and screaming random no stuff like no grandma, or the other I'm not making it.

SPEAKER_02: 39:53

She's actually never actually quite waking up, she's never really awake. Yeah, that's a that's a nighttime, man.

Matt: 39:56

And so so the one I'm not making this up two weeks ago. It was no, don't take my picture. No, don't take we had done nothing in 48 hours that involved any sort of picture taking. So I don't know what these intense dreams she had. I mean, we're talking like turtle on its back, legs flailing, right? Wow. And yeah. And so basically, what everyone tells me is like you can't just you kind of shish them. You really can't, you know. I say shish, like it's okay in a nice way. And then really, um, everything that people relayed to me and everything I read was like, it's it's a thing until about five. You may really need to be concerned if it's still intense at six. Usually there's some sort of um po it's usually post-traumatic related when they're that old, but they're like, it's just a thing, yeah, and it it freaks me out because it wakes me up and been really the only other asterisk on the whole thing that I've asked the mom brain and my other friends that have parents is they're like, you just really worry about quality of sleep at that point, right? You're just you want to make sure that they're not also overly tired the next day from having these intermittent, but man, it is but I originally I didn't know what to. I was I'd never the oldest one. I I had no recall for ever doing this, so I had no, I was like, you know, my guess she like missing her mom. Is it like I'm not giving her enough attention during the day? Is the nanny doing things to her she doesn't like? Like I right, you get all freaked out, especially because this has been going on for almost two years now. Oh wow, yeah. She's had them, she's had them basically definitely more since we've moved to the new house, but she's having them right as we left the old house too. So I would say, like, with her age, Beckham had a ton.

SPEAKER_02: 41:32

I only had a handful of them, or right about the age, and there's I'm gonna throw a post-parent night terror trick out there. Um, because like I said, Beckham had a ton of them. Yeah, um, and then then there's actually the whole five-year-old thing, there's like a uh brain switch that happens.

Matt: 41:52

Yeah, like chemically, right?

SPEAKER_02: 41:54

I think it's yeah, so like it's got like a reset thing. Theoretically, um, if you go up there about 15-ish minutes after they go to bed, and you like move the bed a little bit with your hand, just like just shake, like, just like put pressure on the mattress kind of thing. So you move the mattress, it moves their body, it transitions or it stops the REM cycle thing for the like it does, like, yeah, whatever it is, it drops it in like that, like delta or theta waves that like where they hit that.

Matt: 42:28

So is this one of the times you can shake a baby? Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_02: 42:31

You go in and shake the baby, gently, gently crestly, gently caress and and and bounce more than shake.

Matt: 42:38

Where the tribe relies in anyone listening, we do not condemn. Never never shake a baby. Um there's definitely a pattern with Blair, and it's right around nine, it's around 90 minutes, so you can almost set your watch by it.

SPEAKER_02: 42:51

Pick it like let's say it hits at like 10 o'clock, right? It's yeah, it's pretty close. You go in there at 9 45 and you do this little shimmy on the mattress.

Matt: 43:01

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02: 43:02

Yep, and it does enough.

Matt: 43:03

It's a memory foam. I'm really gonna have to. I'm just gonna stop. I mean, you can jump. Have you seen you can jump up and down on it, and the wine won't spill. It's just amazing, it's a miracle.

SPEAKER_03: 43:13

It's a miracle.

Matt: 43:15

I'll have to think good parenting, bro. Tip that'll go in the show notes. There you go. And you know what's funny? That has not come up in any of the Web MD articles I read. Nothing about interrupting their sleep beforehand. I you know, there might have been a mommy blog, but I didn't quite understand what they were saying. They're like, Go in.

SPEAKER_02: 43:32

I went deep because Beckham was having them all the time.

Matt: 43:34

Yeah, hers is hers are intermittent enough, and I thought at one point it was the melatonin that was doing it, like get because she and I was like, Oh, she they seem to be if she's going to have one when it's melatonin, it seems to be like level six, uh, and when she's not on, it's level three, it's not like encourage that drop into that deeper waves, yeah. It's deeper waves, and so yeah, I'll have to definitely give that a go because it's intense, man. And and I there's one where it's like you're really not supposed to pick them up or whatever. But she was having one the other night where I find like I'd go in, I tried, I tried, and I finally I just scooped her up and made her hug me. She never really woke up, but I was like, I mean, I'm worried she's gonna hurt herself, like she is just flailing, and I'm like, Oh, so anyway, yeah, and then you go like so you go to your significant, like, hey, what do we do? Yeah, or it's and it's just you, like or the other side is like one of you can handle it, the other can like sleep in an extra hour because you lost that hour of sleep. There's no that's the other one that I tell people all the time is like, you know, like when these things happen, like I I for a while, and it's still true, like you know, as nice as I have awesome neighbors and they're amazing and they're wonderful, and they're like, you know, put her down and then you know, literally come out the bath and you know, hang out with us with the monitor. I'm like, I lose sleep because she'll wake up sometime between 11 and 4 in the morning, and I don't fall right back asleep like a newborn. So I lose anywhere from an hour to two hours of sleep, and if she has more than one, there's I there's I there's I can't hand her off to anybody. Yeah, like and so all those movie scenes of like it's your turn, honey. Like, there is none of that. Like I tried that once with the pillow and it didn't work. I'm like, you go get it, you'll get it.

SPEAKER_02: 45:17

You're due, you're up. There's about a two week, there's about a two-week period. I swear my kids were going, is it your night? Or is it your night to wake up twice and keep dead up? It was it was bonkers, it was almost like back to um having a newborn and lack of sleep with the newborn with the constant feeding schedules and things, and uh just exhaustion. Um, and luckily they transitioned up, but like the whole these things that you had had like just subconsciously known or been part of going, this is part of the team, we're gonna do this together. You handle this, I'll handle this, or worst case scenario. Hey, I had to get up multiple times last night. Can you please cover breakfast tomorrow? So I catch these are 30 minutes of sleep so I can function. Right. Um, and or let's say Ryland decides to get up at 4 30 in the morning and hypothetically. Yeah, you know.

Matt: 46:17

Um, and then you have to try to coax him back to like all these little things that you used to be able to uh I don't know, share volumes, but like yeah, well, yeah, share like it's like you kind of bounce it back and forth, right? Like the balls always kind of going back and forth, and you know, at the you know, we used to talk about all the time, like you know, Marcy being in corporate finance, she had certain times of the year that were super, super busy, and there'd be times she'd be very apologetic. And I'm like, look at the end of this, little did I know, but at the end of this thing, 40 years from now, uh, it'll work out to 50-50. If sometimes it's 80-20 because of your demand or my demand, that's understandable. Yeah, right. But at the end of it, it should all come out in the wash, and that's okay. In being a solo dad or a solo parent, there's no coming out in the wash. You're just you're you're a hundred percent responsible. And there's you're like, I don't know. I stay with the tennis example of try. Have you ever tried to volley the ball back and forth by this by yourself in tennis? It's exhausting. It's it's very exhausting. And the it's gonna shoot me over here again. Unless you're um, yeah, unless you're Hussein Bolton, you can do those towards sprints, you're gonna you're gonna drop the ball. And I what was interesting too that you said was um, you know, going back to the yin and the yang and the balance and even the idea of going like you know, who knows? Maybe Marcy would have stumbled on upon an article that said, you know, or read it, and I didn't like I feel like I heard I feel like I read that somewhere, but I didn't understand what they meant, like being preactive to waking him up. I'm like, what the like going in at 4 a.m. and waking the kid and I was like, oh now disturbing the REMs with that now that you said it, it makes more sense. But maybe she would have stumbled on and be like, hey, I read this thing, I think we should try it if this keeps up, or let's let's try it the next two times or whatever. Yeah, you don't even have that extra set of quote brain and eyeballs that's on your team, and that's like I said, I created the Matt's brain of people I trust and I admire as their parenting and whatever, and that have a feminine energy like I I love my guy friends, but they only bring so much to the table as far as different, yeah, it's different. And so I think that's super important because going back to filling those gaps that are just been left behind because our people aren't on this on this earthly plane anymore, and then it just it then it it can turn into, like you're saying, like it can just spiral into where you're just so taxed. And so I know we've mentioned it several times, and I'll say I'm gonna kind of loop this in. This is again where self-care, even though it may feel like guilt or you feel bad for whatever your your your thing is, whether it's a spa day or hunting or fishing or you know, playing golf or being in a band or whatever it might be, you've got to do some of that stuff because you're you're filling a gap that is unfillable in a relationship that has been changed.

SPEAKER_02: 49:18

That's the perfect way to put it.

Matt: 49:19

Yeah. Yeah. And I just think that that that's it, you know, and I say a lot of this stuff also so that I hear it because like I I am again almost three years out, and I struggle with and I was just telling this to a friend, which is this is literally how my brain works. I golf, it's one of my things I do. And okay, it's but it's a big time commitment, right? Like it's not just like an hour, it can it can be a while. So I'm like, oh, okay, I'll go golfing. Well, what else should I be doing as this as the only adult in the household for those five hours, let's say, right? Oh, here's the list of things I should do. Well, then I won't go golf, so now I'm not as happy as I should be. And oh, by the way, I don't even accomplish half the crap on the should do list because I'm miserable because I don't want to do it anyway. I would rather be golfing. Right. And then so it's just this loop of unsatisfactory results. And someone was saying, you know, when you're almost like kind of like the idea of uh, you know, if you enjoy what you do, it's not really work. If you bring a little joy to it, it's easier to do those tasks and things that may be more emotionally taxing because you've had a moment of brevity and levity, and and you've you're if you're filled up a little bit of spring in your step, if you will, where if you deny yourself that stuff because you feel this undue burden to be responsible, you may actually do less than you would if you actually went and did something.

SPEAKER_02: 50:35

Oh, a hundred percent. And then on top of that, things like patience or uh potentially anger management or things like that that like the the temper fuse or things like that where like if you had a uh like if you have a child that is temperamental or something where you normally don't be able to last through several sessions because your battery is full, yeah, you might be looking at a scenario where they do whatever thing that causes the tick to happen once, and then you find yourself yelling, and which is like and you look back, like, why was I yelling? Yeah, because you didn't do that self-care.

Matt: 51:15

Yeah. And so I I think I think going to remember we're talking about like kind of filling the gap. I think self-care falls in an area of it's a small way to, if it makes any sense, to pour into the gap that's made. Like if you're trying to do like a water example or something like that.

SPEAKER_02: 51:32

And even if like and that's the thing about the yin and yang, like when you when your spouse or partner was alive, you could do that and know that you had the cover. So there's none of that potential guilt of I should be doing laundry instead of going out and playing around a golf or ban practice with friends, like, or what like or playing soccer, like whatever your thing is, right? Um, or like and now all of a sudden you're like, well, I could be doing this versus I should be doing this, and or um I the the ide you should like you should give yourself time, you should give yourself those moments because when it comes time to do the laundry or do the dishes, you're not going to resent that as much because you took time to do something for yourself, and that is huge.

Matt: 52:29

Yeah, and the other part that I I forgot too was looking forward to it. So yeah, so like knowing that I have a round of golf to play uh on Saturday. Now I'm like, oh, I love the right the laundry, the dishes, the meal prep, the whatever. I have a thing to look forward to. Then now I have a little extra to be like, okay, well, if the laundry's done, I can enjoy the go around a golf more. Or if, you know, um, I spend, you know, whatever, 30 more minutes reading to the kiddo or playing with her, it's okay because the laundry's not being done, but I have this thing I get to enjoy on Saturday. So I think that's the other part too, is to give yourself a few things to look forward to and carving out that time because you're gonna need it. And it just kind of feeds back in on because you're a solo parent and you have a gap that's not gonna be filled. Um, I think that you need to to try to I think we all need to try to take care of ourselves in in ways that we may not have had to, or that I think, you know, whether it was the small encouragement from your spouse or the or the you know the balancing act, or just the fact that, you know, someone that loved you and cared about you gave you a you know, an attaboy, or like I appreciate what you did, or showed their affection for you, or whatever, carries you to the net, you know, through the next event. And now that that's not there, right? We have to find ways. I and I think that it becomes very apparent that when you're not taking a little bit of time to care for yourself, that void, like you said, I think anger is a big one. I know I had a I had a massive outburst one time with Blair, not at her, but I got real angry at inanimate objects. And afterwards, I was like, that made no sense. The severity of the reaction didn't match the problem, right? And you go, like, it probably had to do with the fact that it was probably middle, I think it was pretty close to dead of winter. Probably hadn't been outside with, you know, I don't even know what this may have been pre-COVID, but definitely hadn't been out socializing because it's cold as crap. Yeah. Right. And probably hadn't had a break in a length of time. And I was just at my wit's end and something frustrated me, right?

SPEAKER_02: 54:45

Yeah. And I think too, like what you said, setting us up, like it doesn't matter if it's a week out or two months out, just having something on the calendar that gives you that point of having something to look forward to is a game changer because you can latch on to that idea going, Yeah, this grind happens every day, but in two months, I'm gonna go do this, and that's gonna be awesome. And and having that kind of mentality of going, yes, it's gonna be good because this is gonna happen is just huge.

Matt: 55:17

What was this is a little off topic, but it's gonna kind of make sense. And I'm gonna butcher it because I should look it up and I'm just gonna fly with it. So they did an experiment. Again, I'm gonna preface to anyone listening. I do not condone uh hurting animals, but we'll just say this experiment a long, long time ago. If they took lab mice and they dropped them in water, oh yeah, I remember that. Yeah, they would only swim for 15 minutes and then they would drown. Or right? But if someone came and pulled them out at four at the 14 minute mark or something like that, let them catch themselves, they put the exact same mouse in the exact same situation. Like six hours or something. They would swim for six hours because of the hope of being rescued.

SPEAKER_02: 56:04

It's like, oh, there's someone.

Matt: 56:06

So just think about that in our own psyche, right? Like if you know that you have something to, you know, whether it's a 10 on your enjoyment scale or a one-on-one enjoyment scale, and you're looking out forward towards it, think of what you might be able to endure to get to that, right? I I believe hope is one of the most amazing and also dangerous things that we can have in humans, um, because it can it can really warp a lot of things. But I think in this situation, holding on to that to get you through it is a very good and healthy thing. Yes, I think that yeah, because you can well, and I mean I can speak from the the cancer journey too, that hoping that you get good news allows you to put up with a lot of really bad stuff as you go through it, right? Like it'll get better, so we hopefully get better.

SPEAKER_03: 56:50

Yeah.

Matt: 56:58

Yeah. So I think that you know, hope is is important uh to have looking forward to stuff, I think is with that hope of of getting a respite or whatever that might be for a person is is good. And again, going all the way back to like, you know, filling that void. I mean, and everyone's journey, you know, I don't want to talk about dating right now, but like eventually, hopefully, if it works out, you know, you can you can have someone that assists in that area, but it'll never be the exact same, but it definitely would help. Um, but I think that even working up towards that, I mean, that's a perfect example of like good luck on trying to go on a healthy, good date when you're totally exhausted, right?

SPEAKER_02: 57:42

Like, oh my gosh, no, yeah.

Matt: 57:44

Like, you know what sounds like a hot date? Can we just take naps? Let's just nap. I want to nap so bad. It's not you, it's me.

SPEAKER_02: 57:52

I'm super tired.

Matt: 57:53

That's not code for anything. I literally just want to take a nap. Like, so what would you like to do? Can I just come over and lay on your couch? Yeah, and do nothing.

SPEAKER_02: 58:00

That's that's just like can we like watch them like a Netflix and chill on them? Like Netflix and nap and go to bed. Netflix and nap.

Matt: 58:07

Big fan, big fan. Here we go. Netflix and nap for solo dads and cinemax and sleep. Boom! You're welcome, people. You're welcome to school. Yeah, you're you're welcome. Yeah, right. I think is Cinemax even a thing. Maybe stars, stars and sleep. Cinemax sounded better. Plus, it's always a little shady on Cinemax. So is it Cinemax? Oh my god, it's hilarious. Um, let's see. Anything else I can think of, you know, I like that the the mom brain, if you if you're because and in my situation, right? Because the reason I said the mom brain is because um most of Marcy's friends uh hadn't had kids yet, and so like our interactions were a little different. And then my group of folks, they they had had kids, and so I could reach out to them, and it's now it's an amalgamation of different folks. And so if you maybe your wife had, um, or your person, sorry, had uh uh a really close group of people that they had coffee with. So a a senior widow, uh Bill that I hope to have on, he talked about continuing after the loss of his wife. He went on the coffee dates with these moms. Now he had been with his wife since like high school, and you know, these are group of women that he'd had, you know, they'd all kind of had kids at the same time. And he realized we said, after a couple of coffees, I remember asking him this one time, I was like, you know, how'd that all come about? And he goes, after a couple of times, he realized he goes, I just thought of a bunch of you know women talking about knitting. That's not what he said, but he goes, right. And he goes, he he he goes, come to find out. He goes, they're talking about which teachers best at the school, which after daycare is the one you want to go to the he goes, all this parenting knowledge that they had, because one had done it the year before, or one sister had done it two years before, or whatever. He goes, it was. This massive information trust robot groups. And I know, and I know you say you have pretty good uh Facebook groups out in Denver. So that would be another, I think, pro tip is like tap into some groups because us guys, we share differently, we share different things, right? Like, you know, who's the best mechanic to go to? You know, a solo mom would be asking that to the guy friends. We don't, we were like, well, I already know that from my neighbors, but I don't know who the best, you know, babysitter around the block is yet. I should find that out, right? That's usually held inside of a mom trust of brains, right? So I think that would be one thing, not that it fills the gap, but I think it outsources a little bit of work on ourselves to definitely do something like that. Um I think that that's kind of a big one for me. And then also, um I think going all the way back to the beginning of doing the things our spouses did for us. I find myself, I should probably record me doing it. Like all I'm doing is cussing and swearing about printing labels. Like I have a label maker, I have a label maker that I use because that's what my wife would want me to do. Not write on paper, little print, put the sticker on the whole thing.

SPEAKER_03: 1:01:10

Yeah.

Matt: 1:01:10

Oh my good gravy. Um, I'd say, you know, fill, you know, backfill the best you can with maybe an homage to your person because they didn't hopefully make us better than we are by ourselves. But I still don't like to go through and sort stuff and organize, but here we are.

SPEAKER_02: 1:01:24

So I do my taxing filing about two weeks before I actually do my taxes.

Matt: 1:01:32

You go into the accountant with a shoebox. Help me! Here it is. Well, I don't know if I've mentioned this previously, but somebody just discovered a joke, you file taxes every year. Who knew? Someone may have forgot to file in 2019. Yeah, so I go to file, what was it 2020? And the guy's like, there's no record of 2019. Oh, every year. Oh, it's not every even year. I thought it was only the ones you wanted to do.

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:03

Oh, like when April, like when that date hits like on a Wednesday, isn't that when I have to find it? I thought when it was the time, yeah.

Matt: 1:02:09

I thought it was if it was a Saturday, none of us had to do it. Uh was that not a thing? Oh man. So yeah. So my wife probably is gonna haunt me for that one at some point because that she would have, oh, she would have lost her mind. She would have lost her. I I know she I remember the last time she was alive. We filed that. She was, Where's this? Where's that? And I'm like, I didn't have any of it. I'm like, I don't know. She goes, whatever. I'm really like doing from work.

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:34

It's like it's like you saw stuff from five years ago.

Matt: 1:02:36

It's like March, it's like March 10th, and she's losing her mind over it. I'm like, we've got a month. She's like, No, we don't.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:44

It'll be fine. Don't worry about it.

Matt: 1:02:47

It's not like they can come after you and take your mo. Wait a minute. Oh, yeah. Oh, they do, don't they?

SPEAKER_02: 1:02:54

It's not like they know where we live. Oh no, they literally know where we live. And they're like, Oh, they called you this in high school, and that's good. They've worked or that.

Matt: 1:03:02

Cool. Um, what about you? What about any like any kind of wrap-up pro tips or anything? Did you we're actually, you know, we didn't talk about this, but I didn't really. I'm trying to think of all the books I've either read or listened to. I don't think I've really read anything about you know what I will I will give him credit. The the two kisses for Maddie, he talks about doing some stuff around her first birthday that he did specifically for his wife because that's what his wife would wanted to do. But other than that, I don't think any of the books I've read or anything have really ever touched on like backfilling efforts of the spouse. For you, can you think of anything pro tip-wise? Or I can't think of anything either. I don't think of anything either.

SPEAKER_02: 1:03:52

Um I uh that's a super good question that I think we might have to touch back on later. Um, because I will say it's it's got to be different in every circumstance. Um and I think we might have mentioned this in another one, but like um I didn't have any sort of letters or videos or continuation thoughts, right? And that you can refer back to to uh a potential design. So everything that I'm working with is either something based on a discussion or a potential of what she might have wanted. Um, and there's definitely some people that have a very black and white drawn-out plan that their spouse put out their wishes. Yeah, yeah. And and I swear we've talked about the the double-edged sword of that that that provides. Yeah. Um I think we I think we did, yeah. And um, and so like I like I don't think there's I don't think there's a very good answer for that one, to be honest. Um I I think that one is very case dependent. I think it depends on how strong of a personality uh or how strong of an ideal out like idea you have going forward of what you envision individually.

Matt: 1:05:25

Well, remember in the two cases for Maddie, it was the whole school thing, remember?

SPEAKER_02: 1:05:29

Yeah, mom wanted to go to the school, but mom would want to go. Mom went to the school, she went to that school, like, and then all of a sudden you're like, why do we need to go to the school? Yeah. Because like you're miserable, a teacher's miserable. I'm trying to prove a point, and it's now a thing, right? Versus mom would want you to be happy. Why don't we just yeah, why don't mom wants to be happy? Why don't we just go somewhere else?

Matt: 1:05:47

Yeah, um, it's a good that's it, that's a good, that's a good example. I think it's a really good example. Yeah, I just found I just kind of my brain just kind of kicked on and was like, they don't really talk about.

SPEAKER_02: 1:05:59

I'll have to go see if there's one more about because a lot of the stuff I've read about is like grieving and not necessarily all all the things I've read too are all about self, um uh self-processing, um, and how to develop maybe a new idea of self. Um also ways on how to like potentially process or admitting that there's no black and white way of doing it, but there's no thing that I've run across that touches on that particular issue. Um and making like large or making life decisions or kind of family decisions kind of thing.

Matt: 1:06:53

Um yeah, and how to like feel comfortable filling that gap with whatever it might be, like, you know, yeah, what would your person do? Or if they, you know, we'll do we'll do an easy one of like, you know, we want to raise our kids Catholic. Well, that's a very black and white, and if that's their wishes and that's what you want to abide to, that's that that's a wonderful thing to do. But if it's more loose on the sense of like, well, we want to raise them to be uh, you know, uh to have certain values, you're like, Well, how do I do that if you're not here? Yeah, where do I get the values? How do I mean you're not here to yin and yang the values, right? Like, yeah, you're like, I can I can think what I want you to do. Like, you know, an example is like I very I try very hard to have Blair, you know, be polite. Well, I may have gone too far in Marcy may have been like, That's too many pleas and thank yous. Like she needs to be a strong, independent woman and just take what she needs to take. And I'm like, right, right, right. Too many police got it right too. Like way too, way too many police.

SPEAKER_02: 1:07:51

Yeah, say please and thank you, select yourself and like if someone cuts in line, take no prison, kick people in the shin.

Matt: 1:07:58

Right, anyway. No, uh, so that's an interesting one. I'll have to kind of keep my ears out. Anyone that's listening, if they ever want to share that, that'd be great.

SPEAKER_02: 1:08:06

Yeah, put it in the comments or something about something they've run across.

Matt: 1:08:09

I'm trying to think. Yeah, I think that's about it. Um, I really do think that though there's that that's I think you brought up some really good points of, you know, um kind of the new you and also like referencing back to you know who you were in the relationship. But grief changes you, and you're still you, but you're vastly different now. And a lot of the things you have to do, you know, as I was mentioning too, is like this is no longer our life, it's your life that is a continuation of, you know, hopefully the person that loved you and supported you had the confidence in you that you are going to do right by them and your children you had. Right. That's kind of the other thing I always say.

SPEAKER_02: 1:08:56

You have to consider like they decided to have children with you because they knew that you'd be a good parent. Yeah. And you have to trust in yourself, knowing that fact that like they stayed with you, they had children with you, knowing that you would be a good partner, that you would be able to help make those quality decisions. Otherwise, they were like, no, no, no, we're gonna have kids, you're gonna be a donor of children, and I'm gonna make all the life decisions.

Matt: 1:09:23

Well, but even or even if that was the situation, even if you went back and did like the retro, like the mom ran the house and the dad was the breadwinner, they still believed in you to provide for the family, right? So if that was the only, if that's still the role that you played and that's what you guys had decided, and that's that's fine, uh they still entrusted you to provide, protect uh your the family, right? And if that and if that's what it was, then guess what? You're you're still capable of doing that.

SPEAKER_02: 1:09:53

And the decisions you make to fulfill that role or the right decisions, exactly right, right.

Matt: 1:09:58

I I think I may have mentioned one time, maybe not, and I there I was I was uh I was in a group therapy uh for widowed dads and a new guy came in, and you could tell uh that he was not wired to be uh a solo parent. He just was not. And he only came to a couple of this was for for widowed dads, he only came to a couple of sessions, and we every now and then his name has kind of popped up, and everyone kind of hopes hopes that he found a balance because you could tell he was really whether it was a sister-in-law or an aunt or his mom, he was just he did not have the skill sets to flourish as being a dad alone. And and there's nothing wrong with that. No, there's right, but again, like I love what you just said, which is his spouse probably knew that about him, loved that about him, and knew every decision he'd make, and we'll just say career focused, was going to be the best for the family and him in the long run. And that decision metric hasn't changed. And have that faith in the person that loved you that whatever good things you had, you still have, and you can rely on those. And then again, going back to the gap is there. How do you fill that gap? I think a lot of it has to do with self-care. I think you have to change probably make some changes, but at the same time, your strengths are still your strengths. You could probably rely on them. Yep. Because trusting yourself, how do you do a self-trust fall? How does that work?

SPEAKER_02: 1:11:33

You face plant usually. I I recommend going face first just in case because backwards leads to a pretty solid cagin. Leads to a cagus, like vomiting, dizziness, confusion.

Matt: 1:11:46

Oh, wait, that's that for what are you that way? That's not all. Oh man, hey hey, brother. Uh, I always uh appreciate your time and your put, and I know you're we're all busy. Um, so thanks for doing this again. Um uh as I I should have this better wrapped up, but um we've got the Facebook group that's private. So if you want to try to reach out to either me or Ben, yeah, solo dad podcast. Yeah, there is a there is a solo dad uh group and podcast on Facebook. We the solo dad is also on Instagram a little bit and a little bit on Twitter. So yeah, we're dabbling. We're dabbling. We're dabbling, we're getting there. Um, and uh so seek us out if you know anybody that could use listening to us and others talk about our our journeys and our situations. Please uh share it with someone. And uh since you're listening to this, uh give us a like because that helps uh people find us. It's not about uh just having random likes, it just allows us to percolate to the top if someone types in grief or widow or get absolutely start using the hashtag solo dad. Um, all right, buddy. Um appreciate it as always gonna be