The Solo Dad Podcast
Your Wife is Gone. You’re Still Dad. Now What?
SoloDad is a podcast created for widowed fathers navigating the unthinkable—raising children while grieving the loss of a partner. Each episode dives into the raw, unfiltered reality of solo fatherhood, offering honest conversations, practical advice, and stories from dads who’ve been there. Whether you're searching for guidance, connection, or simply reassurance that you're not alone, SoloDad is here to help you rebuild your life, one day at a time. Together, we find strength, purpose, and hope in fatherhood.
The Solo Dad Podcast
Episode 1.10.1 Back to School Preparations, Blending the New and the Old trips - Ken, Ben and Matt
Matt, Ben and Ken catch up, talk end of summer trips, beginning of school planning, and how being flexible is paramount in this Solo Dad journey. Talking about how to outsource things we can't do and when NOT to measure yourself against an impossible standard.
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Beverages
Matt is sipping Whiskey & Ginger Beer: https://www.bulleit.com/
Ben is enjoying a tequilia: https://www.casamigos.com/en-us/our-tequilas/reposado/
Ken is partaking in rum: https://bumbu.sovereignbrands.com/the-original/
Resources
Camps for families impacted by cancer
https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/children/camps-and-retreats-families-and-children-affected-cancer
Books
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/childrens-books-death-grief_l_5fa38deec5b660630aee43fd
Bluey - https://www.bluey.tv/watch/season-1/copycat/
Bluey - https://blueypedia.fandom.com/wiki/Copycat
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Welcome to another episode of the Solo Dad Podcast. This is Matthew. I'm here with my buddy Ben. We're going to keep it short this time. Hello, everybody. And our good friend is back, Ken Canada. Brother, how are you doing, man?
SPEAKER_02:Good day, man. I'm doing well.
Matt:Well, real quick, let's make sure I want to make sure I keep the order of business correct. So uh I am partaking of a bullet whiskey and a little bit of ginger beer tonight. Uh it's nice, it's sweet. It's uh after maybe some late night shenanigans with the neighbors. This is hitting the spot. Uh Ken, what are you partaking of this evening?
SPEAKER_02:Uh I've been fortunate enough to uh come into contact with the new, well, new to me, Bamboo Rum. Bamboo Rum Co. I can't speak high more highly than uh on this uh spirit.
Matt:For for those that can't see, he bought the bottle yesterday and it's a two-thirds empty.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's right. He might like it a little bit. Oh well listen, I've been on vacation for two weeks and just and I have shared just just to be but yeah, an authentic Caribbean legend. Bamboo is masterfully blended by hand from island rums and native spices chosen from across the West Indies. And it is uh yeah, it is spectacular, actually. I was really blown away with this for$55 Canadian. Canadian, so that's like it's like 20 US, maybe.
Matt:Who knows anymore? And then my Ben, what are you sipping on this evening?
SPEAKER_00:So I'm switching it up also. I've got the Casamagas tequila little reposado, one of my favorite tequilas. So we got we've got the trifecta. I think we do. We get the whiskey, the rum and tequila.
SPEAKER_02:Rum and the tequila.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, they're gonna talk about the somewhere.
Matt:Oh man. By the way, how old that came up in conversation the other day, and I realized because with the older one with Samantha, and I realized like how old that movie actually was. And I was like, wow, really? And then you realize like Chevy Chase is about to turn like 80 or something. You're just like, it's crazy, right? So, but I do love that.
SPEAKER_02:When you're when you're dating those 20-year-olds, you cannot bring up that reference. Three of me, what is that? That will immediately out you.
Matt:On my non-dating dating story, you didn't hear this real quick. Well, we're gonna go total totally off topic, but I was playing in a in a in a charity golf event on Friday, and my uh my neighbor invited me along, and he is a police officer, and one of the one of my playing partners is a police officer who happens to be female. And so as we get about halfway through the round, she's like, you know, I'm not very good or whatever, I've only been playing for a couple of years. I'm like, well, that's all right. Like everyone's got to start somewhere next. But she's athletic, she's playing just fine for someone who's only playing two years, actually, probably better than most. And I realized, I go, Well, I've been playing four, and I'm like, oh, look at that, about 30 years. And she goes, That's longer than I've been alive.
SPEAKER_00:Oh am I? How do you still swing a club? Right, I guess, yeah.
Matt:Well, you know, it's a lot of stretching involved, but anyway, that's all that.
SPEAKER_02:And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why solo dads are solo dads.
Matt:There you go.
SPEAKER_02:We we crash and burn.
Matt:Oh, and reality sets a lot quick. That's right. So so what I was gonna uh I think we were we're all at, I think. Yeah, Ken, maybe you are you guys in school? You guys start school yet?
SPEAKER_02:Not yet, buddy. We still know we always go back. No, dude, we we have the summer, August is summer.
Matt:Thank you for recognizing that Labor Day as it should be end of summer, and we go back after Labor Day.
SPEAKER_02:That's what I told you September 7th.
Matt:Freaking Canadians have it figured out. Still don't understand how like that's beside the point.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, so when do you guys get out then?
SPEAKER_02:Like, do you have the whole uh last day of school this year? Well, it was a little screwed up, was like June 24th. They go like they go later than we yeah, they go later.
Matt:Yeah, I mean, do you really want to get out before July 4th? Because well, there's still snow in the ground up there in May. That's true.
SPEAKER_02:That's great. You gotta get the igloo ready, eh?
Matt:I mean, you've you can barely stop ice fishing in June. So that's right. We're we're at the end of the summer. So what I want to do, I know we've talked about in the past about having kid coverage and time for yourself. Uh, I know there's camps. I know, I know Ken, you just said I know earlier you let us know that you were on vacation during like the end of the summer trip for two weeks. I'm assuming you just didn't leave Cheerios on the floor for the boys. You took the boys, but uh how did how did your end of your summer go? I know things are always kind of different with uh COVID and everything, but like how was your end of the summer or what did the boys get up to the summer that gave you some time and and how did that affect your summer with with what you're doing?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it actually uh you know it actually dovetailed really well with um the relationship that I'm in because uh we had planned uh so my girlfriend Julia has when we started dating, and it and it was one of the things that came up, and I was like, Oh, you know, you I saw a lot of camping pictures and stuff, and we talked about it, and she's like, Yeah, actually, my family does an interior camping trip, interior meaning canoeing in to the can't to the campsite. Oh, nice. Just to clarify that for you for all of us people who have roads, right? Right.
SPEAKER_00:Roads, well we need what's like we we call it something, there's a different term we use other than what do you use?
SPEAKER_02:Backcountry.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that it's the backcountry you hike in. Um, but I guess you could technically could canoe in the backcountry. But there's a special one that I've had friends use. I've never done a canoe in trip. I've done backcountry, but I've never could I've never done a canoeing trip, but it's so Canadian, eh?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and that's really good.
SPEAKER_00:They go to Canada to do it. Like it's yeah, yep. So that's what it's like a fishing trip combo.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's uh it's awesome. So we her and and get this. So her family's been doing this interior backcountry trip in Algonquin Park, which is one of our major backcountry parks here, and for like the last like twenty some years. So her brother and sister and sister's husband, and even her dad, who's almost 80, 79, came on the trip with us. Awesome me and my two boys. So we we all got together, like I basically booked all the sites and stuff because I knew how to work the uh the what like Parks Canada and Ontario Parks up here is is gone nuts because of COVID, because it's one of the only things you can do. Yeah, right? So all that stuff's been crazy. So I said, okay, if we're serious about this, I gotta get online, I'll book it and do a little bit of massaging there. But anyway, we got our sites, we got in, and uh yeah, it was like five days of backcountry, you know, about an hour and a half to get to our site, and then we didn't portage through because we were actually did that on purpose because of her dad.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and he and he's the kind of guy who's like, I'm not too old for this. Give me another pack. And you're like, oh, I don't know. Like, yeah, like I'm like, oh, I just had visions of me like doing resuscitation over with a guy with a broken hip and trying to get him on the back. Oh my god. Yeah, not a good scene. So So we did the big camping trip. And yeah, boys boys came too, like boys are preseason campers, so uh we did a lot of that, a lot of fishing, got a lot of bath and uh yeah, no, it was it was an amazing it was an amazing trip for two reasons. The weather was freaking spectacular, like we're talking highs of 95 degrees, and if you're in it and plus, and if you're and if it's that hot, you want to be on the water, and we were on the water, so that was good. And then two, it was like the first real inkling for my family and Julia, and then her family to be like we were like when you were camping like that. That is like if you do four days together with someone like that, that's like worth like that's sort of like four months of interaction.
Matt:Oh yeah, yeah, because there's no get yeah, there's no getting away.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and it was it was hilarious. And had her dad met the kids and stuff before, or was this kind of first yeah, no, no, her dad had met them and uh and so had her siblings and stuff, so it was pretty good. It was it was it was pretty good, but like you know, just sort of like oh for dinner or for something else, like it was this was the first long interaction. You know what? Everything went really well. Like, I couldn't have asked for a better experience both on both fronts, the boys and us, and like her brother is amazing with kids, like the boys both love them, like they're like, Oh, I can't believe that Chris like he would take them down, like we were having a fire, he'd take them down on the rocks, they're looking at the stars, and he's like telling them all jokes, like kind of semi-adult jokes, and they're snickering and unconscious. That's right, that's right, and I'm laughing, I'm laughing. He's like, Oh man, and I can hear hold to hold and going, like, this is so funny. I gotta remember this one, and stuff like that, you know. And he's like, So an Irishman, a Scotsman, and you know, a Welshman going to a bar, and then he's telling them all those.
SPEAKER_03:Love it.
SPEAKER_02:So, anyway, it was awesome, and then we did, and then sort of to flip it, we did a week in Miners Bay Lodge, which is the same lodge, and it and picture when I say Miners Bay Lodge, it's like a cabin. We rent this cabin, it's on a resort, loosely called a resort, but picture like dirty dancing 1965, like second time, right? Like everything is you know, basic, basic. And uh, and that was where Leanne actually uh worked for like five summers. No kidding. And yeah, so she was a waitress there for five summers, she did a lot of time. So she had a real affinity to this place, like it was like a real her coming of age, like dirty dancing, you know, kind of kind of place. And it and it was it was really special to her and she wanted the kids to be involved, and so we've been going there for over probably over well, we brought Holden when he was one, when he was just born. Wow uh to this place. So so we did that or uh I did that with the boys and then Julie was supposed to come up for a day, but then it didn't happen because uh she had a funeral, unfortunately. Her her grandmother passed while we were in Algonquin of all places while we were camping. So she had to take a couple days for that and then really couldn't take another day. So it didn't make sense for her to come up. But anyway, it was such a contrast. But w the whole story that I'm getting to is that yeah, I had this sort of awesome experience in Algonquin and then back to Miners Bay, which just for the record, like the first time I was there three years ago or two years ago, I guess. Yeah, a little over two years ago. Like you know, literally two months after Leanna died. It was like I was I was so happy actually to be there to basically only have to be there for I think it was there for two nights. Yeah, two nights, and I was leaving the morning early in the morning because the boys had baseball and we had two playoffs. So I was literally dropping one boy off, stayed there for a couple nights, took the other boy home for the rest of the playoff game. But man, it was like talk about a trigger exercise and triggering for grief in that place, like everything about that place oozes Leanne. Like she was the one that introduced me there, she worked there. All of her close friends, there's a ton of close friends that still have trailers there, and you know, it's like everywhere you look. So I remember being in that situation going, Oh my gosh, like I thank God. Like, I'm kind of happy to be here. I know the boys like it, but I'm thankful that I'm out of here in like 48 hours. It was it was that real first test.
Matt:It's one of those, it's also it's interesting. I find that there's those places that you only ever went to because your spouse brought you there, right? So, like going to the grocery store, you've done alone, or you did before you met your wife and after you met your wife, right? And it's that sort of thing. And there's places, same thing with me, where I'm like, the only reason I ever went to insert said place was because it was a place for my wife, because she wanted to show it. And it's interesting when you go back because statistically speaking, there's no rhyme or reason you'd ever have gone to that resort had you never been with your wife, right? I mean, right, but but right, it's that sort of thing where you go, like, oh, and then you go back, it's almost like kind of walking into this hollowed ground. And because the only connection to that place is because of your person, it holds a little bit different than you know, you may have had a restaurant, but you're like, I went to restaurants before, or I went to this restaurant with and without my wife. I mean, with my friends, my wife, but that's one of the there's a place like that for me too. And it's an interesting kind of like you're it it everything, like you said, oozes of the person for you. Yeah, and it's a it's an interesting thing. Ben, do we ever touch on that with you? There were some places, was there places like that are strictly like I mean, with Ven's vet stuff, and I think I would imagine there were some things that were like holistically like if you went back to where she got her vet degree. I was actually supposed to go.
SPEAKER_00:Uh, that's right. I was gonna take the kids and we were supposed to go back to Oklahoma State and I was gonna show the kids all the schools and because like the her family would do an annual, it was really big with her grandmother. They would rent this huge house on Grand Lake there, and they would have everybody be there and do the and hang out for the week. Um, and it was a massive family reunion kind of deal. And after she passed, um, it kind of fell the way side. They were trying to find other places, but they couldn't go back to Grand. But the Grand Lake was something I would like, it's a it's a really nice lake in Oklahoma. Um, and so I was gonna take the kids, show them where they went to vet school, and like, but it's one of those things where um unfortunately with the the Delta and being where and like in Oklahoma, it's like it's just it's a hot spot, and I just like so I had to cancel the trip, but it's gonna be I don't know, it's on your bucket list for sure. I was really kind of interested to see how it was gonna be taking the kids there and going, like, hey, this is where you know mom went to school, this is where like some massive life decisions happened, and et cetera. Let's look at their first house we bought, kind of like and do kind of like a memory lane trip. Like there were some in that particular city, there was some really life-changing directional shift decisions made. And and so it was it was it would be a really cool place to go. Unfortunately, uh, we didn't have like the the place that they would um go for Fram and Reun after was a place called uh Pickwick Lake in Tennessee. And I I I'm not gonna go back. There's like a paper mill upriver, stuff that's like coming down, and like it's it's you can like it's it's not the best place if you enjoy water sports. Like if you want to hang out in the hotel and play some tennis and do some of the things, like that's perfectly kosher. But like if you want to get out in the water, there's better places around there, especially in Tennessee. So there's not really a place other than uh where she went to vet school that I think would hold that kind of um like the air and that the homage of things that would kind of carry that kind of power. And I was really kind of bummed we weren't gonna make the trip. I was actually really kind of looking forward to it. Yeah. Um, and we actually we were gonna go with Steph too. We're gonna meet a couple of my but like my really good friends that I met from that area. We're gonna meet up there and like it just kind of much like with some of the other trips that happened this summer, just all fell apart again. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You know what though, you know what then might be a little silver lining on that is that the kids, because their ages, I'm thinking that kind of trip would be awesome when they're just a touch older, and you can actually yeah, and you can actually explain the meaning to it and they'll understand. Like when you when you give the background to like, oh you know, this is actually when we were deciding on what we're gonna go and what we're gonna do, and like you know, and it'll mean a little more to them and they'll remember it. So yeah, you know, maybe silver lining on terms of the timing, yeah.
Matt:Yeah, so um, so end of summer, you did an apparently glorious camping trip. I you you took a road, you were you had a what you you were out of the house, Ben.
SPEAKER_00:Well, so yeah, yes, yes and no. Um, so we were supposed like so uh where where I live, they the the last two weeks before school happens, camps all but shut down because there's different starts depending on the counties and the colleges start up, so like counters. Right. So there's there's a gap. Yeah. So it's like so you have to kind of like scramble. And normally we would like rotate vacation days. So like I took the vacation, had everything all booked up. We're gonna take and kind of like you do, like there was a a hot springs with a pool and water slide and like a gorgeous view of the mountains called Mount Princeton. And we were gonna take the kids there, Steph, whole crew, all of us were gonna go. And then um the wildfires from California came through, and that's when the like the air quality of Denver hit like the second worst in the world. That's right. For that nice little space. So, like the it was it was really kind of unfortunate timing where like the the two weeks that the kids did not have um camp activities, actually, it was kind of nice because a lot of I did a lot of outdoor camps with the kids, but like you you just couldn't go outside, like it was just gnarly air conditioned. Um, and if you had any sort of allergy or asthma or something, it would just flare up in a heartbeat. So we had to cancel that trip, um, which was kind of a bummer. And so we did a bunch of like indoor act, like urban air and trampoline parks and stuff like that, just to kind of do it. But then the week and then my parents came into town, which was really kind of cool because the first time my parents came out to visit since a pre-COVID and also Gwen dying. So it's been probably I don't know, it's between like a year and a half and two years since my parents been out of the house. It's been a it's been a pretty long chunk of time. And so it was really awesome having them out. But same kind of deal, like they because of some other things, we weren't really able to do a whole lot. So we were kind of hanging around the house. And it was it was like good quality grandma and grandpa time, which but we kept it kind of local. Um, and then the week of right before school starts, all the pools, all the indoor stuff start switching into back to school schedule. So they're all closed during the day. So you're like you've got two kids that you want to go and do things with, and you can't do things like you would normally do because the the air quality is Shite. Yeah. All the stuff's closed inside. So we're like, okay, well, we're gonna do this today. And we're gonna how about we do like a marshmallow toothpick house? Like you're just like scrambling to find ideas. Um, but I'm saying write that one down actually. It's a great time. And then they we actually um one of the one of the things my uh Nani made at a camp, then she did this um homemade marshmallow toaster oven with like a cardboard box, some aluminum paper, and um black construction paper. Super fun idea, and they can use it to kind of like make the um marshmallow ready for s'mores with uh um the power of the sun. So they have this little like science project things or whatever. Anyway, super cool. I'll we can post like a little link or something to that one. It's a it's a neat idea. Um, but like we were we were, but I will say, like, I've never been more excited for my kids to go back to school than this year. Like our schedules were just thrown to the side. It was just like everything that we had planned, garbage done. Can we go outside and play? No, we're gonna be doing it like it was this just constant mad scramble of entertaining and keeping things fun if as you can while still trying to like keep your sanity. And um I'm also really I I've got to get Ryland potty trained, and so we're dealing with that too. And so at the end of the day, I was like, Oh, it's uh it's eight, it's eight thirty. So it's bedtime. Cool. Um I'm gonna go to bed now because I'm I'm I'm I'm officially shattered, and like is we're gonna do it again tomorrow? Okay, cool. Um do I need to buy more urine off and more mop pads and more construction paper? Mm-hmm. Uh okay, we'll we'll make that happen too. So like we had glorious plans like you did, Ken. Uh unfortunately, um fell short. Further further down south, the the world's on fire.
SPEAKER_02:Um I was like, I I I couldn't like obviously I'm getting it firsthand experience from you guys, but the number of like things that are it's impacting is a lot, like between the environment and and the virus.
SPEAKER_00:It's uh it was a nice little curveball. Pretty amazing. Imagine having being able to throw a change up with the sinker and a curve at around 96 miles an hour. Exactly. And and that's what the summer's like.
Matt:Um we I her pre the pre-K shutdown, not shut down, I shouldn't say they take a break two weeks, and it's I think to try to figure out school and stuff, and then all the schools pretty much start, and then they kind of start back up. But I we had just gotten in the routine of her summer session, and I'd kind of forgotten. And all of a sudden the email goes out, okay, we'll see you on the 23rd. And I was like, Well, wait, uh um, what like now what do I do? We I just got used to this. What the so we didn't have any glorious plans in there, it just turned back into more of the same and swim class and et cetera.
SPEAKER_00:So we have some pretty amazing back to school photos. Did she pick out that outfit?
Matt:Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's all her. Absolutely. And then I did outsource everyone, was like, I didn't know you could write like that. I didn't, I outsourced that handwriting on that board, and it takes a village. I didn't have a board either. I had to text all the neighbors, I was so bad.
SPEAKER_00:That's not a fail. I was like, I will I would love to throw out the they're just the the the ether of the solo dads of how many of us had a talk board with our kid going, I'm going to third grade, and this is when I want to be when I grow up, and I want to be this, and I my favorite color is you know, uh asthma. So like just like you see those everywhere, and then dude, that's why I avoided it.
SPEAKER_02:It was too much. Facebook is talk a block. I was like, I'm not doing that. Oh yeah, I'm doing I'm doing a picture, a selfie, we're all ready to go.
Matt:And then I love I love the ones where like the whole family gets in there and they all look so I have a acquaintance from high school does a great job of first day of school where the kids all look sad and mom's like got like you know a party in the background. Oh, and it's last day of school, it's the exact opposite. And she she nails it. It's an equation, it's it's it's epic, and she's got three kids, and probably in three different schools now, like I, you know, freshman, middle, and you know, element. So I'm sure it's a night, but it is they are classic and they're awesome. She does it really, really well, but it's that sort of thing, too, where you're like, just get you know, so and I we did the picture.
SPEAKER_00:Our school does a parade, they they which is as a parent, like it's kind of this, it's kind of this funny thing. So they take they they meet at a local pool that's within a half mile, three-fourths of a mile to the school, and they meet at the pool and they walk them saying, Okay, summer's over.
Matt:Now into the summer march. So if a kid doesn't decide to march, his summer's not over.
SPEAKER_00:It's kind of cool because all the parents get to meet up and the kids are all whatever running around. So they they do this massive parade from the pool to the school, and so I've got pictures of me with the kids there pre-parade or whatever. But that's it. Like there was no, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't have this like montage of every single year of as they've gone through and and transitioned and like think about like our pictures.
Matt:My mom just stood me and my younger brother in front of the same tree every year, so she could see how much the tree had grown in relation to us.
SPEAKER_02:Like that was that was it the same tree, it's so like the first year it's like shoulder high, and this thing like grew like a weed.
Matt:So, like first year it's shoulder high because you planted right on me and I'm like a whopping five's five, and then you're like two, like me and the tree are the same height, and then by like year six, like the tree's 30 feet tall, and I'm still only five five. I'm like, thanks for that, mom.
SPEAKER_00:Like I'm like, this is been enjoying school. Has it been a good back to because everyone's back in person, right?
Matt:Uh yeah, we are. Yeah, yeah. Blair's fine until this week she started the I'm gonna miss you as we pull into the the drop off. It's like, I'm gonna miss you, don't go. And I'm like, listen, dad, you this is you're going.
SPEAKER_02:I'm gonna miss this is good for you. Yeah, I'm sorry. I say all those things on this seven hours right on this podcast.
Matt:It is literally like you go. I love you, I miss you, you'll be in my heart. I'll be crying too. Is it like more of like a tuck and roll as you give them a little push out the door? Yeah, they frown upon the whole like just opening the sliding door and injecting them out. I found that that's a no-no, yeah, but no, she's been fine. She's she actually looking forward to it. And then we were talking pre-recording too, Ben. Like uh, or Ken Ben was saying, like he'll ask his kids like how the day was, or what was your best part? And I'll ask, I'll ask, I'll ask mine what I was like, what did you learn today? I'm like, Well, there you go, then like asked the worst questions apparently. Your boys just go right back into the rhythm and the routine, okay?
SPEAKER_02:Well, yeah, we're planning on it. So that's right. I'm hoping that uh you know school is is gonna be sort of semi-normal. Yeah. Plus pickup and drop off.
Matt:And is it trending that does it look like it's gonna trend that way? Because you're only a couple weeks out.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. And our school, our schools are all like when we were in it, even when we're in it, they were doing a pretty good job. We didn't have very many cases in the schools at all. Like our kids, unlike down, that's this is gonna lead into my next question is that um there's a lot of mask anxiety down south there, whereas most of our kids, I mean, they're they just adopted the mask like that. And it's just like, oh yeah, okay, I gotta wear a mask.
Matt:I don't know if mask anxiety is the right word. We try to stay apolitical on this show, but yes, there is some. I don't know if it's anxiety or uh information, something or other choice, but yes, give away my freedom.
SPEAKER_02:There it is, my freedom.
SPEAKER_00:I'm masking my freedom, and and my and my kids are gonna suffocate at school because you're gonna suffocate them and they're gonna choke.
SPEAKER_02:That's right.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_02:Wait a second, don't my three-year-old of our doctors use masks.
Matt:I don't think our doctors are they went to Ben, they're special, yeah. Ken, they went to school for that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, right. Yeah, so I'm still like I went to my three-year-old because the the daycare switched back as things started ramping back up again, they're like two and up masks. I was like, dude, you're in it now, man. You're like, you're like, you're three, you gotta wear masks. You're old enough. He's like, I'm a big boy. I'm like, yeah, you're a big boy. He's like, okay, and like and instant, boom, mask, done. And like, and I had the time I had to tell some other kids, I'm like, that like, hey, we're riding our bikes home. You could take them off if you want. I'm like, it just like it's all like there's so many kid options, they're so comfortable, there's so many, like they adapt.
SPEAKER_02:Like, I know, like, like I've got malleable, like oh my gosh, and like they adapt, they they just a hundred percent they adapt to whatever they need to do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and I help they have them help pick out the stuff for school, like much like the first day outfits or backpacks or lunchboxes or whatever the thing is. I'm like, hey, we're gonna be going, we're gonna need some extra ones, let's pick some whatever ones you guys want. You want a funky new mask?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, do it.
SPEAKER_00:We got some funky new masks, yeah. Do it. Um, because they like I will say that some of them, um, some of the schools out here, I don't know what DPS is gonna do, but um, some of the other counties last year, if a kid tested positive, it was one of those you got an email that night or a phone call going, Congratulations. Tomorrow you're quarantined at home with your kid for two weeks. You're like, Great, uh, I'm gonna have to redo everything I've got planned. Yeah, instantly. Thank you for the notice. Cool, and um, I'll get it sorted. And you just did it, right? This year, I don't know what DPS is gonna do, but the other counties are actually like if a kid tests positive, they're just quarantining that family because they're like, everyone's masked. Doesn't matter, they're masked, you're masked. If that tests positive, they've got to stay home. Right. We're not gonna cancel class. So I don't know how it's gonna run on the other ones. I haven't heard yet, but that I was I would say that was probably one of the more fun aspects of school last year was the you would get an email midday going, There's been a notification in the second grade class. And if you've been notified, you're no and then like I haven't gotten a phone call yet. Is it me? I don't know. And then like six o'clock, you're like, God, is it are they still calling? I don't know. And then six o'clock, like, hey, by the way, so and so uh your daughter was in the class, and it was like cool. Um, and the the best part is like it didn't even matter, like you could come back with a negative test, you're like, nope, just locking it down, and I'm and I'm gonna appreciate how they did it and I understand why they did it, but as a solo parent, going, okay, now I've got to figure out how I'm gonna work, and if I have more than one child, because like that's the thing too, like if you have one child in the school and they got quarantined, they're like, Well, you have another child too, so they need to be quarantined just in case because they're in the same house. I mean, once again, makes sense, right? And so you're going, okay, well, um, instant schooling, instant working, instant adulting, instant constant, yeah, go. Yeah, like yeah.
Matt:I feel I feel I feel like it's like Peyton, Pate Manning, right? You just wrack up the line, you go, Oh my! Oh yeah, I almost wish it was that easy. Oh my god, it's not, it's that complicated, right? Oh man. Well, yeah, so back to yeah, back to school, I think also brings the uh so I I don't Ben, you did give me some advice about the pre-K thing. A you give me the heads up and it's already started to happen. So uh the um, you know, oh, you have a mommy and daddy, and Blair says, No, my mom died, she's in my heart. Well, so I had a meeting with the director before, and I was like, hey, you guys are handling everything fine, Blair replacing conversations. I just want to make sure we're on the same page and blah blah blah. And and then basically the director admitted to me, I think she's been doing this over 15 years. If I'm you know, if I'm misquoting, I'm sorry, Miss Karen, at the monastery school. Uh, but she's like, I've never had a you before. And I was like, really? She goes, I've had moms, I've had single moms, but I've never had a widowed dad. And I was like, Well, statistically speaking, it's probably a slim chance anyway. And so she goes, Uh, Blair's gonna be telling her peers her mom died. And like one girl's reply was like, Why does her mom keep doing that? Right, fair, right? Yeah, fair. I get it. And so I'm crafting an email to her to be like, you know, here's here's some thoughts of how you could explain kids are gonna come home. Yeah, and it's gonna be news to the family to Blair. It's just a regular Tuesday to them, it's gonna be new news. And for some families, they haven't even dealt with the death of a hamster dog or grandparent or anything. Yeah, they've had no death in their life in their family, and so I was like, that was an interesting kind of set, like, you know, back into the real world. And this doesn't have anything to do with COVID, it was just my situation with having nanny with a nanny and et cetera. I was like, whoa, yeah, we we've got some uh ripple effects that are gonna happen being out exposed to other people now. This again wasn't like because I was keeping her home because of COVID, right?
SPEAKER_00:It was just yeah, it's it's important to tell every angle, right? Because I missed last year, uh the kids were in like a after school program when they went back. Um, and I forgot to tell the director of that, like the teachers knew like all the appropriate, like the specialist teachers knew, all of the groups knew, but I forgot to tell that particular person who's in charge of the after school program. Oh boy, what what had happened? Oh boy, yeah, and it was nothing no, no, nothing big, but like it's just kind of like you just go like, okay, they're booked, everything's fine, everything's clicking, everything's good. And I she she I called, and she's a super fabulous woman. And like we had this fun banter when I picked the kids up, she's super friendly and talking. Yeah, and she like and she goes, I call in and she's like, Hey, just as a heads up, if Nadia is sad or whatever, blah, blah, blah, here's what happened. And it was the scenario going, like, we're making a project for a family, and she's like, Well what were you gonna make for your mom? She's like, Well, my mom died, and she's like, Of course, she's caught off guard because what other right seven-year-old normally goes, my mom died, and and so and like and Nadia I to her credit handled it like a champion. Um usually do, yeah, and and um I think the teacher was more off than Nadia was because she just so used to be like, Well, that's a shock factor, right?
Matt:So, right. The first time I watched Blair do it, we were at the dentist, and the dentist knows our situation. So it's her third trip to the dentist, second actual dentist visit, but we did a practice run and then whatever. And I told her when I came back to him from living away, and he's the same dentist I had before. I said, Here's my situation. So she's walking into her x-rays, and she kind of like champions. She stood in the little thing and held the thing, did the round. She's four. She just was like, Yeah, whatever. She's fine. As we're walking down to the x-ray, she's walking next to the x-ray technician and she goes, My mom died. And no, good morning. No, what's your favorite color? How are you doing? Just bam. And the x-ray technician's like, I know, mom, I know, sweetie. You're really brave or strong. So I was like, But I'm like, man, I gotta teach you to soften the blow, kiddo. You're just coming out swinging a haymaker. What are you gonna have for lunch today? Or just right, isn't the sky pretty blue today? And oh, by the way, my mom died. Like, at least, like somewhere, you know, lead into it. So that was a kind of a and it was interesting to sit down and try to like explain to work on an email to explain to someone who runs a kids program hey, my daughter's gonna say things that are totally normal for us, but probably for 90% of her peers is gonna be really off-putting, and it gets less off-putting as we get older because goldfish die, hamsters die, dogs die, grandparents are right. But like I'd say under 12, it's a bit of a wobbly thing to deal with. Like it's a little off. So that was a good heads up, too. So, really, kind of the back to school part was like, oh, and then which also segued into, and I asked the director, and you told me that they can't for privacy reasons was fine. I said, She needs friends, right? My neighbors are amazing, they're amazing. Every single one of the kids are over the age of eight, right? And so they're great at like playing with her, but not like being her friend, they're amazing, they'll they'll get down at her level, they'll stop being nuts, and and they're awesome. But I'm like, so, and then the director was like, Oh, you could do like an intro email to like, you know, this is our situation, and he would like people to reach out. So that was kind of neat. Uh Ken, did you when when uh Leanne uh uh died, was there I I she was obviously love beloved and a kind of a public figure. Was there any kind of anything that you kind of had to like push out there to kind of give people, I mean, a heads up, or was it kind of because it was mid-school year too, right?
SPEAKER_02:For you guys, it was yeah, it was. And you know what? It was very public, very out there. So that's where I kind of felt like um, I mean, realistically, her legacy kind of cleared the path for me a little bit.
Matt:Like kind of a double-edged sword, like you would have liked it to have been maybe a little less a little less public, but at the same time, yeah, it's kind of like the road has already been paved a bit.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it it it did it did benefit um in a lot of ways. Um more than the negative, I would say. Uh just because it was out there and and stuff like that. So that was that was a really I mean it was sort of a I mean it I guess it just lends to that whole like you're kind of that you don't realize you're in shock, but you're in shock, and then it was like, and then you on top of that when everybody knows and they're just you know reaching out to you, coming up to you like I had like lots of uh lots of interaction, and then you just kind of get numb, right? You just kind of get numb to it.
Matt:Was there any blowback for the boys? Like, would was there any kids like talking about Leanne's incident or anything where like and only bring it up because it was top of mind someone else was posting this, and I was like, oh, that's gotta be rough.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I remember in the school, I remember my oldest. Um he dealt with it pretty well, but he definitely had some days where he's like he was like, I don't want to go to school today. And I and you know what? When I was and that that was the one thing like if we all got into like family therapy right away. We were all talking, you know, had a good counselor to talk to, and that that worked out well because it sort of affirmed my you know, because you're you're like sort of Of trying to operate in normal mode and you're trying to get that normality back into you know routine and that's what they craved. But acknowledging his feelings, and his feelings at the time were very like muted, to say the least. They were very controlled, um, in terms of you know, getting him to try and open up about stuff. Like I knew I I couldn't press him. Gotcha. But but he would he would in certain ways be like, I I can't, I don't want to go to school today. And then just me saying, Okay, like you're feeling like it's not a good day, that's fine, I'll tell the school. And just acknowledging how he felt was that first step of like me giving him, you know, it's it's like it saying like it's okay. Um, and and the therapist really responded, like, you know, supported me in that and stuff.
Matt:And well, it's gotta be hard like for a minor, I'll just use that term, like especially at their age, like they're kind of forced again, going back to school. I don't really I'd have to really think about my situation with my dad. We kind of took a break, but I went back to school pretty quickly after he passed. Um, you're kind of having to grieve in normal in public. And it's I mean, it's hard enough for adults. I mean, right? And then you put them back into school, and it's like, even if no one's talking, they're talking, right? Like, if you you know they're yeah, even though they're not talking to you, they're yeah, they're talking about you or or their tone is different too, even right? Like, how are you doing, right?
SPEAKER_02:And you're like everybody's everybody's teet treating you with like you know, different even though they're not trying to, right? They're wearing the white gloves, right? It's a white glove treatment.
SPEAKER_00:And then like in I would remember I had a the teacher conference with the kids, uh and the teacher's like, I just want to hug them, right? And they're like, but I can't. Like, I and just like it was like the kids like they're looking for that kind of one-off and and having that they get the teachers can tell they're having a moment or sadness or in that whatever spike of grief of things, and like they could tell that like they could really do something just by giving a quick hug to the kid. And I actually had one teacher go, she's like, um, I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I I did. I'm like, that is 100% okay, and I'm glad you did. Dare you hug my child? But but like, but no, but it's like it's weird, like some of the lines and things, and and and and what that and the teacher said like any no, this was pre-COVID. Yeah, it was pre-COVID.
SPEAKER_02:Not not allowed to like hug and stuff like that. Is that a lot of rules?
SPEAKER_00:Non-touching, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Oh wow, yeah. It's like Drew had I remember Drew had a grade one teacher um that was like when she greeted each child to the class, she had the option of would you like a handshake, a high five, or a hug as you arrived in the classroom?
Matt:I've seen that before.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. But uh Beckham's kindergarten teacher had a student of the day, and they would do how they want to do whether it was a knee bump, a like a heel, like remember like the old school, like kid and play, like kind of dancing, like so like so like you would do like a a knee bump, a heel bump, a high five. They could they would do some sort of like welcome to the class. It was a kid to kid. Yep. Right, but they got to kind of pick how it was as they're kind of working around these.
Matt:There's a couple of viral videos where there's teachers that have like handshakes over kids, and I'm like, that is just the coolest thing on the planet. Like, yeah, I that is that's such a level of involvement we would hope.
SPEAKER_02:You know, it's one of the cool things actually, now that I remember uh remember going through that. Um so yeah, so Leanne died in April of 2019. And I remember once we got sort of through that and then the end of school. But it was actually yeah, it was funny just how the timing worked out. But I had planned. So basically I planned, I took the boys on a three-week trip to the West Coast at the start of September. It was actually the second week of September, so I let them go back to school, but then pulled them out and we did this epic three-week trip. And and I think like I wasn't sure, you know, at that point, you don't know what the hell you're doing, still. You're just like okay. But it felt right to me. Like I was like, you know what? We're gonna do an epic trip here. We're gonna do like the train, we're gonna go to the mountains, we're gonna go out to the west coast, we're gonna see visit friends out there, you know, and we ended up doing some sea kayaking, some pretty awesome stuff. And um, and it was uh you know, I think it was looking back at that whole experience for them, I think it was a great experience because it it sort of did two things. It was like, one, we're a family now, and we're and and we can still function as a family and we're gonna travel and we're gonna do stuff. It's not like we're you know, we can't go on. And two, it gave them that anonymity when we were traveling to be normal kids. Like we were normal, like you know, they weren't in my situation, yeah, because it a lot of their friends and and everybody knew. So I think it it that was sort of a two-pronged effect that um now that I look back on it, probably uh was pretty good.
Matt:It's interesting. I yeah, there's I'm sure there's several of them, but the one that's very popular in the cancer communities, I think is Camp Tecumseh, Kecumsa, something like that. And it's four kids of parents who either have passed or have usually it's fairly aggressive cancer. And a lot of kids go like while their parents have cancer, and then the parents pass and they go again. And what you hear from the parents is like, it's the one week out of the year where like, and I'm I'm making this up. Probably even the counselors are like used to be, you know, uh campies or whatever, and it's the one week out of the year, like this conversation in our wreck and break, right? Where you feel a hundred percent seen, validated, and normal because everybody standing next to you is exactly the same, right? It's either gone through or going through exactly, and so that's another part too that I think sometimes uh like you're saying, you know, you travel and they kind of felt normal, not that it didn't happen, but normal in the sense that they're with other people to get it. Right, right. Yeah, like that when you went out to the West. So yeah, yeah, I don't even know how we wound up on that, but oh, that right back to school part. So it's just interesting, like uh, because yeah, it'll I it's almost and for me, you guys are both returning to the schools they're already in. For me, it's kind of a a start, and so a lot of it has been like, oh god, I gotta like no one, no one knows unless I tell them. Right and these are one of these situations where you can't read the room, you you have to tell them. Like it's you can't you can't just kind of like blow over it, like especially when they're younger, yeah. Because like they'll just blurt out stuff, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And then like the kids, like, no, everybody's got a parent. Like, I don't like there's mommies and daddies, everyone has ones. Like, well, I don't like it, just like there's just this lack of like the communication will just flow without a filter. As a matter of fact, it's so black and white at their age, and the teacher has to know to be able to transition that dialogue, and also like you said, like, hey, by the way, if your child goes home saying something about you know Blair's mommy being dead, right? Here's the thing, and they can go out there and like preempt because, like, like you said, a lot of parents that age have not had a discussion with their children about life and death and what that means and how they're gonna be.
Matt:Well, actually, what I what I highly recommend, you know what I'm gonna say, Ben? Watch Bluey. And the bodies amazing the bird episode. There you go. Just put it on, you have a conversation with the kids. You know what? New parenting tip for everyone out there, regardless of your kid's age, just press play on episode one of Bluey and let them watch like seven hours of it. They'll teach them everything, I think, except for the birds and the bees. It's parenting. That's it. Just put on Bluey, walk away. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Oh, so they tackle so many heavy objects, but no, you're right. And also, it's new, and it's new. I forgot I forget it. It's gonna be brand new information to them. Like I was saying a minute ago, where one of her peers was saying, like, why does her mom keep dying? Right. It's like, all right, it's new to you. We've been living it for three years. This is just happening for you. This is new news for you, right? So you kind of have to, like you're saying, either soften the blow or get the I don't want the narrative, sounds bad. It sounds like all it's all like.
SPEAKER_00:Or even if they can get like books in the classroom.
Matt:Like I remember, like they they or I should just like, oh, get the Ida, Ida, uh Ida Bear book. Don't get that book. That is a mother.
SPEAKER_00:Uh that's a hard. Um, but like for Ryan's class, because he started talking about it. And which again, like, he's like he just turned three, and so he's like, and so it was one of those things where he heard other people going, mommy, my mommy, mommy, me. And he's like, Where's my mommy? And so he went through this massive phase of trying to identify it.
Matt:We're gonna pause the conversation and it's gonna pick up right where we left off in the very next episode. You can find the solo dad all over social media. We're we have a group for solo dads called the Solo Dad Group and podcast on Facebook. If you're a solo dad looking for other dads to communicate with and share with and lean on to and uh learn from and share with, uh, that's the group for you. If you know anybody that is in that situation that's looking for a sense of community, please let them know that we're out there. We are also on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, all under the same handle, which is SoloDadPodcast. If you want to email us, that is solo dadpodcast at gmail.com. If you could just leave a review of the show or rate the show on iTunes, that is super helpful for other people to be able to find us when they're looking for conversations around grief, loss, being a solo parent, and et cetera. So please take a moment and do so for us. And lastly, thank you so very much for listening. The podcast continues to grow. We've been getting lots of positive feedback from everything from regular dads to solo dads to uh solo moms. So thank you so much. We really appreciate the support. Enjoy the next episode.