Episode 1.10.2 Saddest ABC Song Ever, Taking Credit for the Successes, and more Ken, Ben and Matt

Matt, Ben and Ken catch up, talk end of summer trips, beginning of school planning, and how being flexible is paramount in this Solo Dad journey. Talking about how to outsource things we can't do and when NOT to measure yourself against an impossible standard.

Find us where ever your ears roam
-Spotify:  https://open.spotify.com/show/4juZNMsIh5EK5k1QS7pet4?si=5281795548894903
-iTunes:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-solo-dad-podcast/id1573131421
-Audible: https://www.audible.com/pd/Podcast/B08JJNFC2K?action_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp&shareTest=TestShare
 
Beverages
Matt is sipping Whiskey & Ginger Beer: https://www.bulleit.com/
Ben is enjoying a tequilia: https://www.casamigos.com/en-us/our-tequilas/reposado/
Ken is partaking in rum: https://bumbu.sovereignbrands.com/the-original/

Resources
Camps for families impacted by cancer

https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/children/camps-and-retreats-families-and-children-affected-cancer

Books
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/childrens-books-death-grief_l_5fa38deec5b660630aee43fd

Bluey - https://www.bluey.tv/watch/season-1/copycat/
Bluey - https://blueypedia.fandom.com/wiki/Copycat


Follow Solo Dad
Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/solodadpodcast/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/SoloDadPodcast
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/solodadpodcast

Communicate with Solo Dad
solodadpodcast@gmail.com

Help Solo Dad By
Like and Subscribe to the Podcast
Leave a Review on iTunes
Share this post

#solodadpodcast #podcaster #griefjourney #griefsupport #datingafterloss #learningtoloveagain #solodad #soloparenting #parentingalone #widower #widowlife #newpodcastalert #podcastaddict 

Transcript

Matt: 0:31

What was the song he just made up? Oh god. For those that don't find Ben on uh the solo dad podcast group, you're ready for this.

SPEAKER_01: 0:42

So we're sitting down at dinner and and and Ryland is singing variations of A, B, C, D, followed with a closing line. He's like trying some comedy and he's like, A, B, C, D, blah, blah, blah, and like looking around the table going, ha ha, was that funny? And he he ends with A B C D mommy died. Ha ha ha ha ha. And I'm like, uh, buddy. Um, yes, yes, you did, but that's not something that like that's not something to like like laugh about or whatever. And that's not the punchline.

Matt: 1:21

You got to rewrite that joke by right.

SPEAKER_01: 1:23

Yeah, it's like like the timing and structure of that joke is off. Um he will appreciate this, but for the dinner table, probably not the best. And that threw Nadia because like she got like as these younger kids start transitioning and realizing and adapting and going, okay, this is a thing, and this is a different thing, and my thing's different, and they throw it out there. Knowledge is key. You just you've got to tell the teachers because the kids are gonna go, hey, and they're just gonna throw it out there. Like, it's not gonna be this, is this uh whatever thing? Like, they're just gonna like Ryan Islamie died. And they're like, Yep, uh okay, cool. Uh no, not cool, but that's I'm um thank you for telling me. Like they've been sharing, we're gonna go back to our book, right? Yeah, they've got to know. Um, and and and even too, like the school for him, they um they bought I love the school that he's a part of too. Like they actually bought a bunch of books that were based with daddies as main characters, and they also bought a bunch of um stories where like like the the mommies have passed away, just to kind of mix it in with the everyday stories, and so like they can get some verbiage versus mommies, daddies or families, like just like if you were a gay couple, like if you had two daddies or two mommies, be like, hey, here's the deal like we don't we're not a mommy-daddy family, we're a daddy-daddy family, or we're a mommy mommy family, and so they can get some verbiage in there to it's like it's just uh it's beneficial to tell the teachers. Well, it normalizes it, yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah. As hard as it is, it normalizes it.

Matt: 3:14

I do I do think I may have to send her a couple of the the books that I find useful, but I definitely would not read a couple of them to the class because you're just gonna have nothing but first off, I think the teacher's gonna ball their eyes out of me, but yeah. So that would definitely it's interesting to watch the kiddos go out into the world with their understanding of what their life is and then how they uh how they present it, right? It's interesting. It's very, very interesting. Because then the other side of that coin for Blair of just being blunt about it is the watching her gravitate. And I like what Ben has said in the past, uh her need and gravitation towards feminine energy. It's it's it's unbelievable. And she calls it girl time when like mom's over or grandmy's over or the babysitter's over. Well, we at the park and she doesn't want to play with other kids, she wants to go stand by the mom. So it's crazy, right? It's because it's her way of going, like, there's a gap in my life, and I can I can kind of fill it, or is this what a mom is supposed to be like, right? It's it's it's fascinating me. Um, let's see. So we covered we covered end of summer end of summer for us, beginning of school for you almost, Ken. Uh the last thing I wanted to say was uh kind of see is as you kind of touched on it already, Ken. So if you want to keep kind of carrying that with the the summer and maybe going back to school, how that uh has either changed or impacted or created conversations in the relationship you're having, or how you've like you've said a couple times, dovetail is there some is there some blending where is there, you know, I don't want to you you tell us what's like how is there anything going on?

SPEAKER_00: 4:51

Is that I I think it's I think it's a you know it's like the cycle, right? It's that family um sort of cycle of the summer winding down and then getting the kids ready. And and I mean, I'm really thankful that I'm with someone that's you know has been craving that kind of experience. Yeah. You know, has been wanting to be part of uh a family and um is not really uh you know, and doesn't hold any kind of you know, prejudice or um she's not you know, and in fact embraces, you know, loves it when the boys feel and she she knows that she feels she knows that they're really comfortable when uh you know Andrew can tell a story just right away and say, Oh yeah, well no more my mom and I used to do this, this is what we did. And so she knows she's accepted and and that's uh you know, she's more she's mature enough to understand that. And I think that's kind of I mean, not to go totally off topic, but that with combined with our summer and then going back to school and just the scheduling that's involved, and you know, it gets busier, it doesn't get easier. No, like I mean, we all joke about getting the kids back to school and freeing up some time, but then it just ends up there's more shit to do sports or getting so much, yeah. More pickups, more drop-offs, more sound, whatever.

Matt: 6:23

Kind of focus on the relationship. Like, was there any kind of poignant moments where you're like, yeah, this is gonna blend really well? I know it sounds like you really found uh you know a very special and unique person, but was there anything as you kind of I like kind of you talk about like the I mean, this is the parent rhythm of life, right? Where you go like it's this season and then we do this and then we do this, and then you rinse repeat for about 15 years, and then they run away like mine's about ready to do off to college and go like I don't need you anymore. You're like, but I just figured out when cross-country season was. Um what like was there any kind of either I don't want to say checkpoints or ahaas for you? And then Ben, like, do you want to talk about because I know Steph has her own kid and how what what that rhythm looks like.

SPEAKER_00: 7:06

I think I think for me it really worked out when um yeah, we'd been dating for a little while. Uh I invited her back to have our first kind of formal date at my house. And I remember the very first thing that she asked was to see um pictures of Leanne. Like that she was like, Oh, I haven't really and then the other thing too was that uh and I I'm and I'm totally uh believe this is that she waited. She didn't go on a big Google hunt and like try to track down pictures and stuff because she knew just because of the way our relationship was going that she was gonna get that information from me firsthand. So she waited, she asked, and she was like, Yeah, I'd really love to see some pictures of her. I want to get to know who she was and tell me their story.

Matt: 7:57

I want I want you to I want you to articulate about that a little deeper because I know pre-going on recording, we were talking about there's some empathy for folks in widow groups when you hear some of the red flags, and all of us widows can have these certain themes that we hear all the time where you're like, no, it's not you, you're not crazy. This person, not a bad person. They're just doing no effort to understand where you're at at all. Like how like I know you had a brief relationship before. Obviously, there's a stare and compare all the time, but like I feel like it's like key for me when someone I think I've said it before, and I've gotten some weird looks sometimes where I'm like, I want them to ask me about Marcy. I don't want to have to present it. Right. Like, I want them to be the right level of curious about this person that led me to where I am today. What was that like for you? Was that like a huge, like, wow, this person?

SPEAKER_00: 8:48

You're right. And actually you you segue it well because the relationship I was in before actually was uh rife with uh very insecure and and left and and I mean not to say that I'm trying to, you know, falter for for not a bad person, but they were they were damaged, they were hurt very much in the past, and they brought that with them, and that was part of it that that they had not dealt with that level. You know, when we were talking about um preparing yourself and stealing this from bed, preparing yourself emotionally to be with another person, well, everybody has to do that. Yeah, everybody, everybody that's entering into a new relationship for whatever reason, divorced, widowed, you know, broken up, your common law relationship, whatever. If you're not ready to be in a new relationship because you haven't done dealt with the shit that you needed to deal with in the past, then you're just gonna either self-sabotage it or there's gonna be something that comes up that's gonna crush it and and it's not gonna work. So I think that's I mean, coming from a a widowerist perspective, I think it's really important to and what got me to where I am today, here I am sounding like a an infomercial, uh, is is actually clearing my mind in terms of dealing with uh the grief and and embracing the grief in the beginning and just going, okay, what do I want to do with these feelings? How do I want to get you know get into this? And I and I know I've talked about this in the past, but you know, I was fortunate enough. Leanne had a number of journals and all kinds of like extensive, so I was kind of blessed with having those things and I keep them now. Um, but I was able to go back and read all kinds of stuff in her hand. I'd never did that before. Um, so that that for me was kind of like part of a cathartic process that I needed to do just to just to feel connected to her for a little longer and to go through all the things that I did. Like I was fortunate enough it was pre-COVID. I went through a a really big celebrate public celebration of life. I had two other uh post-celebrations that Laurier threw, and then we had another one uh later um because of her academic career and things like that. I had to accept an award on her behalf posthumously. So there were a number of things that I had to do that all I realized built and allowed me to uh get through part of the process. And and then I I was just clear in my head, it allowed me to get to that point where I was like, okay, well, what do I really want? You know, what do I want now? And that was I don't care about my job, I don't care about you know, money and stuff. Obviously, it's a concern when you have kids, you gotta make sure you have that. But what what makes my life, what did make my life worth living? And that was having a person to share it with. So I was like, okay, my goal should be, and this is what Lianne would have wanted, is finding someone, the next someone that I can do that with. And if that's my goal, then that became my new sort of focus. What do I need to do to get to that point? Even though, and it's not like I was like, oh yeah, once I have that goal, grief goes away. We all know it doesn't, you carry it with you. But I'm telling you is that once you have something positive to work towards, it really helped me to uh realize that yes, I'm gonna have a portion of my grief that I'm always gonna have, but it does get a little easier. It does. It just gets that it it you're allowed to you're allowed to to sort of say, yep, I know I got that with me. That's fine, that's who I am. And the person that I'm gonna be with, sort of segueing into, is gonna embrace that part. And that and that was one thing.

Matt: 12:51

So when Julia did So actually, I think it's worth repeating. Say that again. Do you remember do you hear what you just said in the last part?

SPEAKER_00: 12:58

Yeah, when I when the person that I'm gonna be with is going to embrace that part, yeah, it's huge, and that and that's that's huge. That's the massive thing that you're looking for. Because and in in and these are in her words, you know I she said, I realized that the love that you had for Leanne is never gonna go away. Just like in some of her past relationships, she had some some guys that meaningful, worthwhile relationships that she was really and she was acknowledged, like I was in love with them, but for whatever reason, like it didn't work out, and I realized that I cannot change them for that reason. So for that reason it failed. You know, we come from a different little bit of a uh a different aspect, and but at the same time because she's you know a person that's pretty mature and in terms of emotionally mature, um, and I mean I think it's a little bit of her background too. She was um, you know, uh artistic background, she went to the Toronto School of Performing Arts, she got introduced to the uh gay and lesbian community very early, very welcoming, very open, lots of different people coming with different perspectives on life and on relationships. So from very early age in her 20s, you know, and then she realized, you know, okay, well, that's uh that's part of life, and everyone, you know, whatever floats your boat, you know, that's what kind of works. And I, you know, I'm just thankful that I I kind of met up with really.

Matt: 14:35

It's uh it's sort of uh and I, you know, it's uh I don't know if this is, I mean, we're we're we're gonna go over our show a lot of time, which is as long as it takes, but I actually wrote this down and I'm not gonna bother to find it since in a different note section of a Google document. But when you you said part of your process, right? And I I I think maybe this is worth going back and and talking about at a later date. But one of the things I wrote down is when you go back out to date again, there's a quite there's some questions you need to ask yourself. And one of them is am I dating to re to find a replacement for my wife? Do I go by the same criteria to try to think find the same person? Right? Are you trying to find someone that's gonna make them when I say new you, you're not new and improved, you're you're broken, you're flawed, you're different. It's gonna make my loot, use I think what you were touching on, that makes this new life, not better, new, not new and improved, this this new life that was unexpected. What's gonna make me happy? And I that that answer is different for every single person, right? And I and I there was a third question I wrote because it was when I was talking to my therapy, my therapist, and I was like, it was kind of this epiphany of like when I first went out and tried to date, I was using all the exact same criteria that led me to Marcy. Well, guess what? I am not the same person I was when I met Marcy. I am now widowed with two kids. When I met Marcy, I was a single dad that co-parented with one kid. I'm a whole different human being now because of loss and everything that I went through. So it's an interesting thing, and part of your process is I think you skimmed over it, which is fine because I think it's better for a later date. But like in that process, what did you discover? What did you find out your needs were? Like you kind of touched on them, and I think Ben, you can probably talk about them too. I don't want to talk about a later date, but I also always say that, and I hope people hear this, that uh you should really aim for someone that accepts you for where you are and that the love you had for your person. Now I know there's always exceptions to the rule, but it's going to be ongoing because it was probably as best as anyone's relationship can be, a loving, healthy relationship, and that we did not foresee ending, right?

SPEAKER_01: 16:37

I think in any general relationship, you need to find someone that accepts you for who you are. It doesn't matter if you're in the grief world, if you're in the lost world, if you're in the single, like it's God forbid, happily married world.

SPEAKER_02: 16:51

Uh by the way, I I'm dual screening.

Matt: 16:56

The only reason I say it's good to, and it's a shout out to our buddy Nick 57 Days Out, who could not be more happier in his almost nauseous. I love them both dearly. They're also stinking.

SPEAKER_01: 17:09

Oh, they are so many people in our situation fall into the trap of trying to find a solution. There's like there's several that I see. There's ones where they constantly compare the previous relationship to their new one, which is unfair for both because you're you're different, they're different, and the previous is different. You find the ones where they are trying to fill a gap. And I you would see that in any sort of relationship. It doesn't matter like if it's it's a breakup or if it's a uh by death or by choice or whatever it is. Like if you're like you find these people that are like I think I need this in my life, and to do that, I have to have this. And so you have this kind of group of uh people that are trying to force an issue, and then the ones going for me to be happy, I need this, and they're willing to bend and twist. And those are the ones you see that just break your heart. Right. Um, the ones where they are they they and they'll throw up, they're like, hey guys, um well, our our friend Ken with the first one was kind of I remember he's remember he sent that message out.

Matt: 18:37

Or he was like, hey, I'm I'm gonna oversimplify, but right.

SPEAKER_00: 18:40

Oh dude, I was like, I I was like, dude, am I am I getting crazy here or is this right like over the top?

SPEAKER_01: 18:49

Yeah, and it happens on and on every aspect, whether it's they're they can't handle the stories or sharing or pictures or kids asking questions, or to even to the point of people settling in relationships that are completely unhealthy, whether it's dancing with abusive or just because they're trying, they're just like they like they're they're reaching and grasping for that that hole that's in their heart. Like I've been dating this guy, uh this person or this woman for like nine months, and they they talk bad about me and they threaten that they're gonna post online that all this stuff if I threaten to leave them. Like, um, it's unhealthy no matter what kind of what like yeah, just yeah, just get out. But unfortunately, we're in a situation where uh you you look at people that are in quote unquote healthy relationships that don't have this side dose of grief and how that affects and twists your brain and and and and and How it uh transitions every aspect of your life. Uh and you yeah, and you throw that in, and it's just it's a it's a tornado.

Matt: 20:10

The other layer that I think you kind of jumped over, I think, and I can speak from this too, because the loneliness when you had a person, and even though mine was not decades, it was you know inside of five years, but it was all the it was all the things that make up the relationship. It's like you know, the call from work saying, hey hun, I'm on the way home, to the you know, how you uh made the bed in the morning, to all those little things that disappear in an instant. And the loneliness is so amplified where I think that if you were in, and I don't want to compare, but I'm assuming, well, I'm assuming all of us here have been through a breakup before we met our wives, but it transitions over time, right? Where you're like, oh, we're not doing that thing we used to do. And it's the little, right? I want to, I'm sure big breakups too, but like my almost micro reverse aggressions, right? Where you're like, oh, they used to bring me a sandwich for lunch and now they're telling me to go get my own damn lunch or whatever. Like they don't seem to care as much as they used to. And so it don't, but in our situations or lost, right? It's like that. And so the loneliness is a big one where I think when you're talking about that whole, I think some of that could be loneliness too, not just grief and loss. It's like they just want, and I I I I think we can all empathize. I just want a person. That sounds so bad. But you're like, I just give anything. So poor Blair just gets to hear about it.

SPEAKER_01: 21:23

Or you see your your kids, like it's like with Blair, like you're like, I well, those of us have daughters um in the mix too, going, um, so do you would you like a dress or do you want me to try to braid your hair? Or like like, or like like I'm still I am still trying to learn how to French braid. I don't know how that happens. It is some sort of magical concoction of hair twisting and flipping. I I've tried YouTubing it and I and she would just love to have some sort of other dose of whatever sparkle or energy or hair things, or just like you're like, if I just had this, it would make that better. And so you're like const, like there's there's that desire to go, all right. Well, I will settle for X, Y, and Z to make that situation better as a quick fix or a potential, which is a slippery slope. And and and like it's it may it may be potentially a quick fix. Um, they may get their hair braided, um, or they may be able to have a nice um extra fancy con like a matching thing for school or whatever. Yeah, meant what was it?

Matt: 22:39

Like two pieces for Maddie, where he does the hair in the beginning and she goes, How does it look? He goes, I mean, I think you can catch on.

SPEAKER_01: 22:48

Yeah. I it makes me think, it makes me think back to like this is an really like must be season, like I don't know, three of that medical um emergency room series. Her ER? ER, yeah, ER. Like it was one they had like they adopted the the child, and like it was a it was the I don't know, like steamy, McDreamy and whatever. Uh like and they had a little little uh uh little black girl and and like like the doctor's like, you need to learn how to do hair. And because like it was he walked in as like an antler over here and a little ponytail over there, and she's like, he's like, what? And she's like, no, uh-uh, no, this is hair you need to learn how to do. This that's not gonna work. And you're like, and it's and there's those of us out there going, and I don't know how it's happening in. There's a resurgence of the vacuum ponytail that's yeah, that's gotta be like 10 years old at this point, but like but it's coming back, yeah. And like, and there's all these things of dads going, ah, I can do a hair, like there's there's definitely that desire to go, this would be easier if I had so like all these different scenarios you have to watch yourself to not settle to try to fill whatever gap you're trying to fill. Whether it's child related, self-related, house-related, it's super easy to kind of just allow that to happen and make excuses. And we are not in positions to make that a scenario. Like we all deserve uh different and better scenarios without having to uh do that. And I think that's I think we should reassure ourselves that like you don't have to do that.

Matt: 24:49

Right. I mean, yeah. Well, and it's also it, I think not, and I don't mean that all everyone is when I say I was gonna say it comes from a place of weakness, not in the sense that we are weak and we are doing it's you don't have the normal, and we've talked about this before emotional fortitude, the emotional tank filled, right? And you just kind of go like, well, I guess it's good enough.

SPEAKER_01: 25:10

Well, and it's yeah, and it's those little things, right? Or like we talk about the big things, little versus little things, like going out and buying new school outfits for the kids, right? Right, yeah, that's a thing that would be a family affair, and or husband or wife or husband, husband, or like whatever you're saying, like yeah, like and like and it would be so-and-so had their role to play in that particular school pre-build. Right now it's all on you, and you're like, yeah, depending on your comfort level of allowing that to happen.

Matt: 25:45

Yeah, well, the other, you know, we were talking about the phenomenon energy for the girls, and I know you have you have you have two of one type and one of the other. Uh, but I'm curious, Ben had our team of nieces. I'm looking at Ben's big huge face on the screen, thinking Kenny go away. Ken, in your relationship uh now, have you seen the boys like have some needs met that you didn't realize there? Like, one of the things I I said that apparently broke some people's heart one time is like, my daughter needs to know the touch of a woman's hand. Like, me rubbing her back is vastly different than a female rubbing her back when she doesn't feel well. And that kind of just breaks my heart that right now that's not a thing for her. She just knows me, which is fine. And I and I'm not saying I'm not good enough, it's just different. So, have you seen anything for the boys? And especially if they're kind of what tweenish, right? They're tweenage, where there's anything post as this relationship has grown, where they're like, wow, they're really like whether it's talking to you know, uh, her about chocolate or I don't know, cool socks or whatever would be in there.

SPEAKER_00: 26:52

Yeah, there's definitely, I think there's definitely some stuff where because of the feminine energy energy, like you described, that they gravitate towards that in certain, you know, because yeah, um it's uh it's obviously a hole, it's something that's not there anymore, or was there anymore. And um I think my youngest uh who's not quite to the like he's turning nine this September, so he he's really embraced her really well. Had a really good uh you know, he's had some really good discussions with her and you know, just uh likes to involve her, ask ask when she's coming back when she's not here. Oh, you know, is Julia coming back? Is she when is she coming back? So I can tell there's that. And now my 12 going on, you know, 17-year-old. Right, it's all different, right? Is uh yeah, he's but he's sort of softened too, like I've told her, like because she's like, oh man, he's hard to read. But the interesting thing with this, and even keeping in mind that she's never had kids before, um, is that she when she you know got to see Holden and be around him, and you know, because of COVID, like her job is is totally flexible. So she's been uh working out of the home. So she's actually been able to spend, you know, multiple days here out of every week. Um it was interesting to see that she uh she could kind of reach she's like, oh yeah, she's like he's pretty up and down sometimes, and he's really sometimes he's cagey, hard to reach. And and then she was like, I was like that. I was a teenager just like that. Like I was really I was really hard with my dad. We never got along. I always fought him on everything, which is like Holden does a lot of that with me, and uh, and it was really interesting to get her perspective, and I was like, Oh, that's awesome! Like, I'm so glad you can tell me that because it makes it reassures me, you know, and part of that, like it's like her role, like where she gets trying to provide something for me as well, and she gets it. So she, you know, so I said, you know, because she, you know, she would feel bad that um she doesn't have a lot of those those experiences because she's never had uh you know a baby to raise and and it to turn into one of these things, thing one, thing two. Um but yeah, it was it it was really good to hear that. And then on the flip side, you know, we've been out different places, and I can tell like he feels really comfortable with her. Uh, you know, he's held her hand when we've gone for walks and stuff on his own, that kind of stuff. And uh so I re I pick up on those things and I realized, you know, oh that's you know, that's really good. Um one of the things that I loved was that we were coming back from I think it was trampoline camp and we had carpooled. We picked up a bunch of uh we'd uh a friend of mine, friend of mine and her two sons, she has four, but two of her four wanted to take this trampoline camp with us. We did it, we carpooled different different times. Anyway, we're all we had to go pick them up, we're all coming back, and like Julia is trying to make you know an effort to be interested in what they did and like genuinely, you know, oh how was Camp told him, What did you do today? Like, how was it? And he is like totally surly like, oh god, what do you expect we did? We jumped, we rode trampolines and like totally gave her the business. And he snaps, he was like, Sorry for taking an interest in your life. Like, I was just asking you a question, and I was like, I was like, I'm driving, don't say a word, and I'm looking at the interview mirror, and I can just see him get shut down. He's like, Oh. And I was like, that was and then we got to the house, I was like, that was awesome. That was a true that's a true family moment right there.

Matt: 31:01

You know, that's that's how you know you're starting to blend when uh when stuff like that happens. Well, I mean, I think that you know, hopefully people can hear a couple of things here, and you guys talk about the relationships and and my or my viewpoint on whether I having one now or in the future. So I think that hopefully guys can hear that. And it's you know, it is possible, and but I think both of you would admit, and correct me if I'm wrong, and I know Ben, you and I have talked off recording about this too, and and Ken, you just kind of said it as well. There's a bit of a process, or as they say in Canada, process that you have to go through that you will continue to go through, but you have to be in a state where you're ready to date again. And it comes with some intentionality and some work. And that and the notice though that there's no, I haven't mentioned a time, right? Like you might be starting your process in three months and going through it while dating at month three out, or you could be you know going through your process three years and starting to date three years out. There's no there's no timeline in there. I think that you know everyone's a little different based on what transpired before and et cetera. So um, anything else top of mind for any of you fine gentlemen?

SPEAKER_01: 32:19

Can I just say that be proud of yourselves for getting the kids ready for school in the morning and walking to school and having them and do the drop off and the lunches, whether you make it or you pay for it and they do the school lunches, like whatever scenario is like, just know that job well done. Right. Yeah, I mean it's it is definitely a process. You're tired, they're tired, they may not be enjoyable depending on like I know depending on the ages of enjoyment of school, whether they want to go, they do want to go, waking them out of bed. Good form, yeah, and uh and it will vary by the day, and and it's it is it is a challenge that uh is definitely worth it and that is noticed whether you are seen by other parents with the like uh the parents know when you're there a hundred percent. And so just know that you're being seen and recognized and appreciated and good job on doing that on a daily basis, and don't let that little voice, which I think we can all admit we're guilty of, like the Yah but uh monster will come into the head.

Matt: 33:51

Yeah, yeah, but the mom would have done it better. No, maybe just different. Maybe instead of cutting the sandwich in half, it would have been in a star triangle with a heart cut out of the middle and something very creative or not, we don't know, right? So I think you're absolutely right, Ben. It's like there's you know, this time of year can be really, really challenging. And I think, you know, I don't even want to call, I was almost gonna call them small ones. Don't take the small, take the big ones. And yeah, I also like what you said too about like, you know, I don't know, I don't know if it's a hundred percent. I can't speak for every guy on the planet, but anytime someone gives me any sort of compliment about you're such a great dad and you're doing such a great job, and I just kind of go like, Am I really? All I see are as all right, I know, but I and I I thank you, and you are too, and you are too. And I we it's hard to take, right? It's hard to hear that. I don't know why. That's because instantly, if someone tells me that, I on the surface I go, thank you. And then the back of my mind, I go, Here's the million things I didn't do today. Not not out loud, right? Which is fascinating because there's no guarantee I would have done the million things if my wife was alive and we were still together, right? Like it's just this weird. And I'm gonna be there is potential, there will be conversations with with does um about this. And I I'm curious to hear what their internal dialogue is, right? Like maybe it's all about like, and I'm gonna be really chauvinistic right now. Like, well, the lawn would be better if my husband, like, you don't know that, he could have killed it too. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01: 35:23

Yeah. Yeah, it's it's yeah, it's it's super easy to fixate on the difficulties and the trials and tribulations.

SPEAKER_00: 35:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 35:33

And brush over the success of the fact that the kids are there, they're ready to go, they're ready to learn, you're taking them back to school, they're adjusting to their new friends, you're adjusting it like it is a day-to-day transition, and it's gonna be messy some mornings and mess not as messy other mornings, but you're doing it, and that's what's important. Like, yeah, don't forget that little win. And when they say good job, I can't, how are you doing it? Like hell, sometimes I don't know I'm doing it some mornings, but like you know what? Yeah, they're there, I'm there, they're there, and like, yeah, and that's all that really like that's phenomenal. So good work team.

Matt: 36:19

There we go. Ken, you got anything, buddy?

SPEAKER_00: 36:23

Uh no, I mean, I think that was well said, then. Uh you know, like we do. We do when you get stuck in this situation um of being a solo parent, it is it is humbling, and it is so easy to basically look at all the negatives as opposed to the positives and the wins. And it is, you get mired in that, and uh I think I think uh we just have to you know take it. I mean it's such a you know it feels like a cliche. Cliche and a colloquialism and and everything else, but yeah, day by day and realize that you know your kids are are uh you know they're they're realizing it too and they they value like if that's one thing man is it taught me is that the kid the how like having kids throughout this whole process is that they teach you as much as we teach them in a lot of these respects. Like their their ability to cope and adapt and change and do these things, you're like, Well shit, my kids are doing it, I gotta do it.

Matt: 37:37

As we talked about a moment ago, the honesty in which they have with it. Yeah, it's just very this is it, right? Mom died. There's no long, I'm sorry, apologetic. Well, I'm struggling with they're like, my mom died. Yeah. There it is. Yep, yeah. Uh yeah, I yeah. So I um, yeah, I I think that's uh that's a really good point. So uh this is gonna be a long one. There might be a halftime in this one, boys. This one was uh pretty good. I any it before I I have usually a close I do, so I'm gonna try to do it correctly and not butcher the crap out of it. Uh any anything else? We think we're good. I will say that in a previous one, Ken brought something up in in a previous one because you're listening, you're gonna listen to this one after one. It's it's about ready to be released. Um Ken does talk about um exactly what he just said about uh why why, as though it might be challenging, uh having kids during this probably uh kept him uh above uh above ground and and were grounded and in a in a better mental state because they were there. So as challenging as they might be, uh they're hella rewarding for sure. And uh and I I just I know someone posted this and I was thinking about it too. When they give you that, you know, you're the best daddy in the world or you're the best mommy in the world, it kind of almost makes it all worthwhile. And uh so hang on to those too, because they definitely uh again, they're being honest and it's uh they're they're definitely speaking a truth when they say it. So it means you're doing the good work. Um, so for everybody out there, uh, from uh Ben and Ken and I, we appreciate you listening. We hope you find this uh helpful. Uh if you want to follow us, there or I shouldn't say us, the entire solo dad, and I'm I'm using this one, Ken, so let me know if you have the sounds. A tribe of allies. I kind of liked both of them, so I threw them together.

SPEAKER_02: 39:37

Boom.

Matt: 39:37

You're like allies out there. We are on Instagram at uh solo dad podcast. And then uh there is a solo dad Facebook group. If you want to join, uh contact uh myself, Ben, or Ken through social media and we can get you on it. It's a private group. If you could leave a Like and or review of the podcast wherever you're listening, uh, whether it's on Spotify, uh, iTunes, Pandora, a whole bunch of other ones now that I just updated, please do so. What it really does actually is it helps other solo dads uh find the podcast when they're searching it. So it means a lot. And if you have any feedback questions or anything, uh reach out through email, which is uh the so not the sorry, it's just solo dadpodcast at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00: 40:29

And give us the feedback. We love the positive and the negative. I want to hear everything and topics.

Matt: 40:37

Yes, please, because we definitely are running out of them.

SPEAKER_00: 40:42

Wow, let's not go. But I want to hear what the people are saying.

Matt: 40:46

I agree, and uh that's why we're trying to do the whole Instagram and and the whole thing. So we appreciate everyone listening for Ken, Ben, and this is Matt. As always, thank you for listening, and uh, we'll catch you next time. Thanks, guys.