Miking Change
Miking Change
Episode 10: New Beginnings
How do you know when love turns into something more nefarious? How do you recognize the signs of an abusive relationship? What do you do when a friend turns for you for help? Rachelle Nesta turns on her mic to answer these questions and more. The Director of Development at New Beginnings—a nonprofit that's hard at work in the Seattle area empowering survivors, raising community awareness and ending domestic violence—Rachelle lets survivors know that they are not alone and New Beginnings is there for them when they're ready.
Our perceptions of what healthy relationships are, are so skewed by what we're seeing and consuming as entertainment, that that can start it feels like oh, this is normal when really like, so little of what's on in the media is actually portraying healthy normal relationships
Jesse:Hi change makers. This is Jesse Colman, and you're listening to Miking Change, a podcast that puts a microphone to the stories that matter. Now, if you're going to get rejected from a job, I strongly recommend getting rejected by my next guest, Rachelle, Nesta five years ago, that's exactly what happened to me. I was interviewing for volunteer management position with this organization called New Beginnings. And the hiring manager was Rachelle. It was the best interview experience of my entire life. At one point, she left the room to let me ask my potential colleagues what it was like to work for her. I mean, who does that and when Rochelle personally called me to let me know, I did not get the job, she offered me helpful feedback on what I could do better. For my next interview, Rachelle Nesta is the Director of Development at New Beginnings, a nonprofit whose mission is to empower survivors and mobilize community awareness and action to end domestic violence. This is an organization I have long admired, and I was so looking forward to this conversation. So let's jump into things. Um, so I'm curious as to what got you started with your work at New Beginnings.
Unknown:Yeah, so I have been fundraising, gosh, for a long time, and I was in a major gift role at another organization. And the person who was the interim development director, Heidi Thompson, I knew and at the time at New Beginnings, and she reached out to me and said, Hey, I have this great job. You're the first person that came to mind. And a lot of people have recommended you for this. And I really wasn't looking for a job at the time. But I was a Women's Studies major and undergrad. And, you know, it kind of fallen into fundraising, a very typical, you know, was doing direct service decided that it was getting burned out, I'd written one grant and college and thought, you know, then the grant writing position at that organization, I was out of the time opened up. And so I thought, well, I can do that work. And then, you know, we're off to the races. And so New Beginnings was the first opportunity for me to really marry that passion that I found in college with the professional skill set I had been developing for about eight years at that point. And so that's how I got involved. So it was something that I'm deeply passionate about, and just an amazing organization. So I've been really excited to be here.
Jesse:Yeah. Let's talk a little bit about new beginnings mission and what you do for our community up here in Seattle.
Unknown:Absolutely. So we were Seattle's very first organization to open its doors to help survivors of domestic violence. And that's still our mission is supporting survivors at any point in their journey that they're on rather, they're just starting to think about, you know, maybe I'm in an abusive relationship, maybe this relationship isn't healthy, healthy, just wanting to learn more all the way through, they've successfully left and just still wanting some support and help. And again, anywhere in between there. So we have housing support, we have support groups, advocacy, all that different kind of stuff.
Jesse:Right on and so how big of an issue is domestic violence in? You know, our community? Absolutely. So I, I
Unknown:say it's an epidemic, um, the stats that are most widely used are that one in four women, and one in seven men are experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. I've seen things that are even higher than that of like, one in three women, you know, one in four, one in five men. So it really is something that the majority, I mean, so many people are experiencing this. And it is very likely that you know, someone rather not you know, that you do, who's either currently experiencing it or has, you know, has a history of this in their past. So it really is something that is everywhere. And what's really tough about domestic violence is that it but it's also not something that you see out in the open. And so it's really something that's also hidden. Which, of course COVID And the pandemic really brought this to light in a big way. But for for us it. It's, it's like that every day. Right? This is it's a huge problem every single day.
Jesse:Yeah, and so how has the pandemic impacted? Survivors?
Unknown:Yeah, so it's been, um, it's a little bit varied. I get asked a question a lot of like, have you seen the numbers go up? And so for us in particular, like then the needs changed, but like the actual numbers of people didn't necessarily But maybe the types of people who were reaching out. So for example, when we had the stay at home order, if you are living with an abuser, who's monitoring your phone calls or controlling all of that, right, like, I'm not sure how you would reach out to a place like New beginnings to get help if you're with the person who's causing you harm, and who isn't allowing you to access those services. So there were some people who weren't able to access our services. And certainly, with the increase of stress increase in being at home, there also was a there is a right there is a documented rise of domestic violence incidents and domestic violence happening. And then there's also a rise in the severity of what's happening. So, you know, more were hospitals, more sewage, you know, or more homicides, things like that, like the lethality of what people are experiencing, has really gone up. And then, of course, just the needs, so certainly, like, financial needs have always been something but we gave out, like substantially more direct assistance for rental assistance, you know, getting debt paid off, and really helping people get out of situations because they were becoming so much more dangerous. So that was also kind of a different need, in the way that it presented live, there's always a need for that, but it was just so much greater in that way.
Jesse:Right? If they're home, 24/7, it seems.
Unknown:Exactly. And again, if you think about it of like, you know, maybe if if a survivor had a job, it's like, they no longer have that place where they can go, you know, and, and maybe you don't have time to have a phone call with an advocate or get support, or they don't have the support of their boss or coworkers or anything stuff. And so it's just kind of that in the prolonged period of it. So again, just that heightened, happening, more, more severe, more severe when it is happening, things like that.
Jesse:Yeah, um, so I'm wondering if you, you can share any success stories that have come from New Beginnings?
Unknown:Absolutely. So we, as hard as this work is, we always see success stories, whether they're really big, or really, really small things, and we celebrate all of those successes with survivors. So you know, a success could just be someone to be honest, realizing that they're in an abusive relationship and having the validation that what they are experiencing is not okay. And that they're not, you know, like crazy, or they're not just making something up. That's a huge success, because it allows that survivor to figure out what their next steps are what they want to do, and even if they for whatever reason, decide to stay. Just then being able to know that and own that can give them some different options and different things about how they want to continue on, right in that relationship. And, you know, being able to do safety plans, or figuring out just how to stay safer within that relationship. You know, or even going to a support group, and just, again, all that validation. But we do definitely have folks who've, you know, called, actually, one story I know of someone was sitting in our luncheon. So you know, we haven't we, for a long time, had a fundraising luncheon. And while she was sitting there, listening to one of the folks who, you know, we had served to had a success stories, share her story with the audience, realize through that story that she was in that her relationship looked a lot like the one that the survivor telling her story was saying, and so she realized she needed some help. So she gotten engaged with our services, you know, had an advocate, made a safety plan. And I'm not sure exactly how long this all took for her, it could have been a couple of years, but you know, made a plan figured out how to leave, make sure her kids had the support that they need, and, you know, is living a very happy and healthy life now. You know, got out her kids are doing well, you know, and she's been able to, she's now supporting the organization to which is really such a beautiful, full circle journey. But I mean, we have story after story after story of folks who come in or, you know, another one that stands out for me is a woman who came through our transitional housing program. And she was quite I believe that she was in her 60s. And one of the questions they asked when they're doing those interviews to select who's going to come into that program, and one of the questions was, what are your goals? And she said, I don't have any goals. You know, she said, I'm kind of like nearing, you know, kind of this last stage of my life and I'm one of the advocates said to her, you know, being safe and how happy and healthy that's that's a goal and that's a just fine goal for for us like it doesn't have to be some big I'm planning on curing cancer and doing all these things, but just the the goal of wanting a better life. And she did come into our services and just really thrived and has built a really beautiful life for herself which is incredibly touching.
Jesse:Yeah. I mean, these these stories make me want to ask the questions like, when does a marital spat become more nefarious? When does it become abuse? And what does abuse really look like?
Unknown:Yeah, so the biggest thing about a bit, right, because we all, like you said, we all have fights, things may be said in a moment that aren't nice. You know, we all have kind of days that are not we're not at our best frame, when it's abuse is really when it's about powering control. So if one person's life and the relationship is getting smaller, than that's really one of the biggest telltale signs of abuse. So if one person is trying to limit your phone calls, who you can talk to who you can see how often you see your family. You know, they have a lot of expectation about what the division of chores are, and there's no real opportunity to have any kind of conversation or oh, what's the word I'm looking for? Back and forth about that, you know, that it's really just one person, like, they're the ones deciding what's going on, and there's no room for collaboration, or anything like that. But it's, again, it's that idea of like someone's life getting smaller, if like your own agency around the decisions that you're able to make about your life getting smaller and smaller. And that's, that's really the key difference. Does that make sense?
Jesse:Yeah, so it doesn't just look like physical abuse, right? No,
Unknown:abuse it. So there's a thing called the power and control wheel, which we actually have on our website@newbiggin.org. And there's, um, so physical abuse is just one aspect of domestic violence. And it's definitely the one that's the most invisible, and that we end that I think, folks think about first, when you hear domestic violence, but there's so much more to it. And a lot of times we hear from survivors, that it's all of the other pieces of abuse that are a lot harder to heal from than the physical piece. So and that includes things like emotional and verbal abuse. So being called names being manipulated, using children against you. You know, there's technology of use now, with everything that's going on, there's ways you can use the legal system for abuse. So there's, like I said, there's, there's a lot more to it than just that physical piece. And those other pieces are actually usually what comes first and what diminish, you know, self esteem, self worth self confidence, to the point where then physical abuse often shows up after a lot of those other pieces of that wheel are being utilized.
Jesse:What what I've never heard of technological abuse, what is that?
Unknown:Yeah, so that could be that can look a lot of different ways. It can look like, you know, having your whereabouts tracked by GPS, whether it's on your phone or on your car, someone texting you throughout the day, like incessantly, right? Like hundreds of texts a day, and if you don't respond within, or like right away, automatically, you know, where are you are, you must be cheating on me. You're a terrible person, all that kind of stuff. You know, monitoring emails, monitoring, social media, all that kind of so that all just using technology to further again, kind of limit and control someone.
Jesse:Yeah. Um, so why would a survivor stay in a relationship I read on your website that it's like an average of eight times before a survivor will leave for good. So why do they stick around? I mean, I think that's a question a lot of people might have, it's a
Unknown:big question that we get asked. And, and first, I just want to say one of the reasons that it does take eight times. It's so when someone is leaving a relationship, it's the most dangerous time that's when the most homicides happen is when someone is leaving. And the reason is, because the abuser senses and feels that, that they're losing control of that person. So they whenever that's happening, they usually up the ante, to get them back into, you know, the dynamic that they've created and really having that person stay. But if To be honest, there's, there's so many reasons why people stay, but one of the biggest ones is love. Right? So if you think about when you start a relationship with someone, and there's that honeymoon period, where things are wonderful and exciting, and you're falling in love, and you're sharing all your secrets, and all of these things, that happens in abusive relationships, too, right? Where it gets. So they, they have fallen in love, or at least the survivor has fallen in love with the abuser, right, the abuser starts to take some of those things and like really those vulnerable vulnerabilities that have been shared and starts to use those in their abuse tactics. But it's hard when you love someone to leave. Right? Because that's still something that's there. And so and I think something else we think about a lot with domestic violence is this must be happening every single day. It might not be happening every day. Right and and usually after a really, you know, kind of high intense incident, there's usually kind of another honeymoon period. And granted, those gets shorter and shorter over time. But they still give that hope of, oh, we could get back to when things were really wonderful. And when I fell in love with this person, so that really holds, holds folks there. So love is a big one. It's hard to understand, but but I think we all have people in our lives who frustrate us. You know, maybe we've been in relationships where we kind of know that things aren't fitting, like maybe it's not abusive, but at least things aren't fitting, but it's hard to leave, it's really hard to take that step under what you know, maybe like normal circumstances. Yeah. And when you add on this, like, your self esteem has been diminished your all those things, it gets even harder. Another reason is money. Right. So in an abusive relationship, financial abuse is experienced by 90% of survivors. So maybe they don't have any access to money, even if they're working or not working, maybe they're not allowed to work, things like that and thinking about so you're really choosing to stay in a place where you have a home and a roof over your head and food to choosing homelessness, maybe. And that can be compounded if you have kids, right? Um, you know, and all of those factors can also lead, you know, again, if you have kids, especially but into the legal system as well, like, are you going to be able to keep custody if your abusive partner can put a roof over their head and all, you know, feed them and all those things, and you're homeless? You know, like, what does that look like? How does that play out? So that's another that's another really big reason that folks might say, there's, there's a myriad of reasons in the same way that we all have reasons that we make choices every single day. But those are, I would say, probably the biggest
Jesse:two. Yeah, well, in an average relationship won't end on time, or it's usually it's too early or too late. So it makes sense that it would be the same as you're trying to you, you fall in love, and you have confusing experiences. I'm curious about the correlation between you mentioned homelessness and domestic violence. Yeah.
Unknown:So homelessness in Washington state is the I'm sorry, domestic violence is the number one reason in Washington state for homelessness of women and children. So it really is, the correlation is there in a very big way. And again, a lot of that comes back to the financial abuse that so many folks experience when they're in these abusive relationships. And so it's a huge need. And and there's not an I mean, we see the issues of homelessness in our, in our community. And, and this is just compounding that and making it worse.
Jesse:Yeah. And I imagine there's some mental health repercussions when they're experiencing traumas at this level.
Unknown:There absolutely can be Yeah, I mean, it's definitely something of like it all kind of piles up, because there also can be some substance abuse, you know, like, if you're maybe using substances to deal with what's going on, you know, I mean, which, again, I can definitely don't have any judgment about that. I haven't fully, you know, thankfully, I've not been in that situation. But, you know, I can I can fully see how sometimes that would be something or, you know, substance abuse could also be something that an abuser is using as an abuse tactic, as well. So mental health, definitely substance abuse. So there's all these compounding things that make it tough around that as well. So it's not just as easy as, you know, survivor has been being abused decides to leave and ends up homeless, you know, there's, there's just a lot more to it. It's, it's more complicated. As with any issue. Yeah, for sure, folks, it's not like here's the exact answer.
Jesse:Right, right. There's no one equals one. Yeah. But I'm curious, like, it seems like poverty would be a big contributor to domestic violence is, is to do you find that clients mainly come from lower income households are using an all over the map.
Unknown:So domestic violence does not discriminate. It comes from all over the map, we do happen to serve more people who have low income low to no income. And I think a big reason for that is just kind of availability of community as well. Right? So if you have a lot of means sometimes, you know, there's just some more opportunities that can be available to you potentially. But like I said, we do happen to serve mostly people who are low income, not to say that we don't have people who do have higher incomes that come to our services, but the majority is low income. And I also want to say but poverty does compound everything. Again, lack of resources, lack of, you know, often with poverty comes a lot of maybe generational trauma historical If you're talking about mental illness, there's just so many other things that are compounding that it can make all of this even harder. have, you know, if you're already really struggling to get by? And maybe, you know, the abuser is providing, you know what I mean, and has some kind of contributing income? It can it just compounds everything of like, if you're already struggling, making that choice can be really tough to like, make it even harder for yourself and or your children?
Jesse:Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm curious what, you know, you mentioned some of the numbers around a men who experience abuse themselves. I'm curious if that's under report, I imagine it must be under reported.
Unknown:I think it's grossly under reported, to be honest. And I think one of the reasons it's not so abuse, all those different tactics, again, that are in that power and control role can be used by both men and women against both men and women. But I do think DD is harder, I think, because of the toxic masculinity that we have. And just all of these generals that we have, it's, I can imagine, it would be incredibly hard to stand up, as someone who identifies as a man and say, I am being abused, especially if it's by a woman, right, and someone and like making, and I think a lot of times we make jokes about that, you know, like, Oh, she's a real, you know, like, she wears the pants, you know, your whipped things like that, where it's like, all of those just feel like very normal, natural things that we say, but it can be really kind of giving a glimpse into something that could be really dangerous. And again, that idea of I think a lot of times, it's hard for people to think about, you know, Oh, this must be abuse, if there's not a physical aspect to it, which potentially with, you know, a woman being abusive toward a man, that may, it may or may not be there. I mean, I, I'm not actually sure of the statistics on how common that is like, and I've known folks in my life, who have, you know, men who have been being abused by their female partners. But so yeah, I'm not sure if I've answered that very concisely. But it's, I really believe that it's probably under reported. And that, yeah, I bet men are experiencing at the same rates as women. And one of the reasons I think that too, if I can just kind of go off on a tangent of this. Yes, please. If you think about the media, and what we're being fed, as what relationships are, so much of it is abusive. So I like being in this job, I found that I have a really hard time, you know, watching TV in different things, because so much of what we're kind of taking in right now is just this, like, relationships that are not healthy. You know, like in reality shows, like, Oh, we're best friends, like best friends do not talk to each other, the way that people talk to each other on these shows. And granted, these are shows they're trying to get an audience. And so the drama and the, you know, fighting and all of that is what kind of makes it exciting, because like, no one wants to watch my life. Trust me, it's, you know, I get to go to my friends, we make stupid jokes. And then that's the end of that, you know, so but it's like, it's just this whole thing of like, our perceptions of what healthy relationships are, are so skewed by what we're seeing and consuming as entertainment, that that can start it feels like, Oh, this is normal, when really like, so little of what's on in the media is actually portraying healthy, normal relationships.
Jesse:For sure. It's one of those examples of like, art in forming life versus life and forming art. Absolutely. It can become dangerous, for sure. And I imagine like with men, too, you know, the, we talked about toxic masculinity. And I think it's something that you fear of having the police even take you seriously during a DV call, I imagine. Yeah, and we go ahead.
Unknown:I was just gonna say even like, if there is a physical altercation, right, and if you think about, you know, like, if you if you're being attacked, like, if you're a man, you're being attacked by your female partner, and maybe you grab their wrists so that they can't keep hurting you, and maybe there's marks on their wrists. You know what I mean? And the police show up, it's like, it's just because again, of the stories we have in our head and what we think domestic violence looks like it can they can be the ones end up going to jail, right? Or the ones being, you know, kind of that just who's who is really the abuser who's really the survivor in this situation. And because we always think about it being men abusing women. And to be fair, we mostly serve women at New Beginnings. Not to say we don't serve any men and we're absolutely open to men. It's just, but again, I think it's part of just this narrative we see as a society, even though I'm not sure it's totally true.
Jesse:Yeah, but how do you think we solve that? Like, how do you think, how do we approach that?
Unknown:Yeah, I think um, for me, I think having healthy relationship classes and healthy relationship conversations is really important. So new beginnings, we do have a really strong prevention and Social Change program, where we are in middle schools, doing healthy relationships classes with youth and teens, and talking about things like consent. What's the difference between sexual you know, like, what is sexual harassment, which, of course, you know, kids are just trying to figure this out. And again, thinking about media and what they're consuming, plus what they're learning at home, which, you know, if they're in, if they have, you know, good role models, that's great. But if they're all that they're also in a home experiencing abuse, like, we don't know that things are not normal or not what it's supposed to be, you know, and so I think it's really just having more of that conversation of what is healthy, like and talking about what is consent? There's a really wonderful comic about like, t's consent, you know, and just kind of thinking about that of if someone doesn't want to do something, like, if you offer me tea, and I say, No, thank you, you're like, well, you're having tea, it's like, no one's gonna do. But you know, just kind of thinking about that in terms of content and trying to break it down really easy, but I I know, for me, I think I just got lucky to not end up in an abusive relationship, and not because of anything, but just, you know, I was a very typical teenager, I think, and like taking in all these things. And, oh, jealousy means, you know, this person really likes, likes, and cares about me when, like, really, jealousy is not something that I want in my adult relationships. You know, I know that that's not a healthy reaction, you know, kind of in its extreme, for sure. But it's, it's all that kind of stuff. So just really having those healthy relationships, conversations, and, and having that be more normal versus just oh, we all figure it out, you know, because, again, the majority of the clients that we're seeing are in their late teens, early 20s, maybe early 30s, you know, up to there, not again, not to say we don't serve folks in older age ranges. But that's really it. And I think a lot of it has to do with we just don't do a good job as a society talking about healthy relationships. And then we end up in these bad relationships, and then figure out, you know, as we age, that's not what I want. You know, I want something different for my life as we go forward. I think we could really stop that if we had more conversations about what you know, along with sex, sexual education, we should also be talking about what a healthy relationship is.
Jesse:Yeah, I don't I can't remember one class of mine where consent was discussed. until college. Yep. Yeah.
Unknown:No, the curriculum. We haven't new beginnings. When I learned about it. When I first started, I was like, Can I come to a class? I know all of this now, but maybe I don't, you know, I would have loved to have that class. I mean, and just what a difference that could have made in my life. And, you know, certainly peers as well.
Jesse:Well, it seems like we could encourage legislators to to add that to the curriculum, is that something that I know of happening?
Unknown:I don't know of any right now. And the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence would really be the best place to look to see if that is something that's kind of coming down the pike. I will admit, I'm not the most up to date on what all they're working on what's all kind of in the on the docket for that kind of stuff? That I think that would be amazing.
Jesse:Yeah, I mean, it just, it makes total sense. And I, when we talked to a call to men, I think they they do a curriculum with with young boys and something like 82% of them didn't know what consent was at the age of 16. That's, that's just insane. Yeah,
Unknown:it's not. And it's scary, right? I mean, I, it's terrifying is about so much more than consent. But oh, it is, but But again, it's just that whole thing of like, you know, you don't have to tell someone who they can or cannot talk to, if you're dating them, you know what I mean? Like, you can't, just cuz I'm dating, you doesn't mean that I therefore can't talk to any other men in my life. Like, that's not really gonna work out, you know, just like your happiness is not your happiness and your needs do not supersede those of your partner. But that's not so much the message that's coming across young people most of the time.
Jesse:Yeah, for sure. And we mentioned law enforcement. I'm curious. You know, I mentioned that many survivors turn to law enforcement in moments of crisis. But I could only imagine, for a person of color who's experiencing that, who may have negative experience is with both the law enforcement and criminal justice system, what what do they do and who do they turn to
Unknown:you? For sure. And you're so right. And I do also want to say law enforcement isn't always the best option for many survivors, just for a lot of reasons. Just quickly, Washington State does have a mandatory arrest law. So if if the police are called out and there has been domestic violence, like someone has to get arrested, and there's an automatic 30 day, no contact order. And in theory, this sounds like a really great idea. Right? And I fully understand where that came from. And I'm not saying that I think that that needs to be But I guess I'm not taking a stand. And I, to my knowledge, new beginnings doesn't have a furnace down this but where that what I learned is where that becomes problematic is what if the person who was arrested was the only one working and making money? Right? So now all of a sudden, we've taken away the income from this family and what about their housing? What about food because they also have a no contact orders, they can't be in touch to, you know, do some of this stuff. So it just it's like, if something really bad is happening, you should absolutely contemplate for people safety, but it just it's it's a little bit more complicated than just like, oh, you know, the police will come and save the day. Yeah. And so and then to get to your question about survivors of color. So women of color definitely experienced domestic violence at higher rates. It's more dangerous. And, and for all the reasons that, you know, as this conversation about racism has really ramped up, and just all all those things are true to when you add in the domestic violence element, as well, right. And so, yeah, calling the police can be even more problematic for folks who are people of color, and they, I think, from what I've understood, that is not something they usually want to do. So I think they more so turn to their communities for support when they can. And to be honest, that's actually true of all survivors, they will usually disclose the abuse to a friend or family member long before they're ever going to call someone like New Beginnings long before, you know police intervention, or all kinds of things like that. So one of the best things we can do is if someone discloses something like that to you, even if you find it hard to believe if you know both the people if whatever the biggest thing is just to say, thank you so much for telling me that must have been very hard. What can I do to support you not telling them what to do? Not saying, Oh, I can't believe that's happening. What did you do to provoke this? Any of those kinds of things, you know, or Oh, she's so nice. He's so wonderful, but just really, thank you so much for telling me. I'm really sorry, this is happening. How can I support you? is really a good response. But
Jesse:yeah, I mean, I think it's I think that's an important point, though, is like, how, how does the community respond when we're hearing?
Unknown:Yeah, for sure. And I'll be honest, I'm not as knowledgeable about about that, specifically, for folks who are in communities of color, that's an area where I need to be doing more learning. But I do think I know there's a big move toward transformative justice as well, which is, I think, would be an interesting thing for you to explore. I'm just now learning about that. And really starting to understand it more deeply. So don't feel like I can speak to that well. But yeah, I think all again, all of the compounding issues that racism causes, it's, it's the same for survivors of color, and just makes it even more complicated for them to, you know, navigate resources, find help have the resources to be able to get out and stay safe, all of those kinds of things. You know, and one thing I know, we see here at New Beginnings, and certainly in Seattle, we have so many folks from different areas coming in. Right? But can you like kind of a sub communities can be really small, whether it's, you know, the Russian community of Ethiopian or whatever. And so sometimes it's really hard to even if someone has reached out to new beginnings, and maybe we're getting you know, interpreter for them, the interpreter may know them. Right. And and we don't always know the different dynamics. So it can be really challenging, you know, for folks who are in those smaller communities to really be able to stay safe, even when they're trying to seek out help.
Jesse:So let's let's dive into, let's dive into your programs, what what is new beginnings doing? Because I think you're one of those community supports that people can access?
Unknown:Absolutely. So the very first step, and I would say kind of one of the biggest things that we have for the community is our DB HopeLine. And so for years and years, we've had a 24 hour helpline, but we just joined forces and kind of collaborated with Dawn, which is South King County's domestic violence organization, and lifewire, which is a domestic sales organization over in Bellevue. And then us new beginnings, all three of us had 24 hour helplines. And so now there's just this one dB HopeLine, which is a community resource. And we would be able to refer folks to any one of these three programs, if they're needing help. Anyone can call that line. And so if you are a survivor, if you are not sure if you're in an abusive relationship and just kind of talk to somebody, if you are a friend or family member, if you are a service provider, if who truly it's it's really a resource line for anyone to be able to call for survivors who are calling, you know, we'd be able to help connect them with housing resources. We do know you know, all the DB shelters in the area, which ones have beds open so we can help can you know, direct them to the right place. They're not having to make calls After call after call to find out who is open. I said we can connect them to, you know, to get advocacy services, if they want to start to talk with someone, and you know, kind of think about what might be possible for them access a support group. And then on that call, we can also do a lot of safety planning with people as well. So that, you know, whatever they may be experiencing, we can start to talk about how can they stay more safe in these situations. So, for example, you know, if you can tell things are starting to escalate, try to get out of the kitchen in the bathroom, just because there's a lot more heart services and more kind of dangerous things that are a little bit more accessible in those areas versus maybe a bedroom or a living room. So just kind of some small things like that, that can make a big difference for folks. So that's a, that's, like I said, kind of the front door to our agency. And then we do have a community program where we have advocates, who meet with survivors, whether they're still in the abusive relationship, if they've left, any point in that journey of they're kind of back and forth, that's totally fine. But really just someone who's there and our goal is, you know, find out what the survivors goal is, and then we're there to help them we like to say that the survivors kind of the driver in the car and where the GPS, so they tell us where they want to go, we help them find a path to get there. If they take a turn, if they go back to this abuser, if whatever choices they're making, we're just kind of following along and helping them, you know, get to their goal. And their goals may change to right. And we're completely flexible with that. We also have youth and family advocates who you know, can help with any parenting issues, parenting support. We have housing advocates who can help folks find and access housing if needed. We have a mental health therapist, to provide short term mental health therapy. And we also have legal advocates so that folks, you know, if maybe they're going through a custody battle or divorce proceedings, you know, we can help them understand what their legal rights are. So it's not legal representation, but really just helping them understand what their rights are. And, you know, maybe the paperwork because of course, legal paperwork is always very hard to understand, even into the best of circumstances. So that's always helpful. We do have a homestay program, we have 17, individual apartments, where folks can come stay. And the stays there for about three to six months. And again, they have survivor advocates, Youth and Family Advocates, and also housing advocates. But the housing advocates there are really helping this, you know, finding out from the survivors, what their goals are for housing, and then helping them find that so that they're moving out into permanent housing as quickly as possible. Because of course, the sooner you're in permanent housing, the better you can set up your life, you know, childcare, find a job, all those kinds of things when you know that it's going to be closer to home versus especially in King County, right, because we're so big, you know, you can find a job in Renton that's really wonderful. But if you end up finding a house in Kirkland, you know, that's not really a reasonable commute, especially if you don't have it. So you know, trying to really help folks find that permanent house, then we can help support them. And we are able to provide rental assistance for up to a year if needed with a rapid rehousing program. And Housing First program, and then I did mention our prevention programs. So again, you know, we're in schools doing those 10 week classes with young people about healthy relationships. And then we also do a lot of trainings for, you know, businesses and sororities and high schools and other things to just to really talk about and those can all be tailored, but you know, healthy relationships courses, if that makes sense for some people, or just talking with businesses about like, how do you recognize domestic violence? How would you support a co worker? You know, we can also talk with HR departments about different policies you can have in place that can help keep your your workers safe, different things like that. Yeah, I think that's every I think I've covered it all. A lot.
Jesse:Yeah, I mean, you're you're all over the map there. But I mean, it sounds like you're you're a great resource for employers, if they're needing to figure out systems that can help keep their folks safe. We are a good resource for you know, anybody who might be hearing of someone in a relationship for me, just you guys are the go to when domestic violence stories percolate to our attention? Um, how can people how can people get involved or engaged with new beginnings? Yeah,
Unknown:absolutely. Um, so we definitely we have some volunteer opportunities, not very many, but we do have some that come up. And those would always be on our website. Certainly, a big way, of course is making you know, becoming a financial contributor. One of the easiest ways we have for that is a monthly giving program, but certainly there's a lot of different opportunities and and we rely on our community to help keep our doors open. So between 30 and 40%, depending on the year of our total income comes from our Canadian from contributed income, so it's something of like New Beginnings could not exist without The support of individuals like you and me. But truly one of the biggest and best ways, I think that folks can get involved in something that doesn't kind of look like traditional volunteer service, but would be to take our dv 101 class, it's, it's 20 hours of training, but it really gives you a deep dive into what is domestic violence? And how can you support someone, because like I said, we all know someone who is currently going through this or has gone through this. And it's likely you will continue to know people throughout your life. And so and then, like I said, two people often will reach out to someone they know, first, you know, a friend or family member. And so you being able to know how to appropriately respond and get them connected with resources can really be one of the biggest things to do. And by taking those trainings, the more you learn, the more you start to see these dynamics in your life and can start to call them out and help educate the people around you. With all of that as well. Right? I know, since I've been working in New Beginnings, a lot of the conversations I have with my friends and different things, like it's not to say that, you know, they've been like, oh, domestic sales was great. Now they're like, oh, it's actually bad. But you know, just kind of the nuance and really understanding like, what is domestic violence, and the more we can all understand what that is, the more we can all start to recognize it. And maybe for it's escalating to the point of, you know, lethality or, or just being able to have those honest conversations with people like, hey, what you're doing is not okay, or I'm noticing this, you know, when I'm with you both, and just asking someone, you know, are you okay, do you need help those kinds of things. So I think that that's truly one of the best ways is just to get really educated. Because the more we all know about this, and the more we can recognize it, the sooner we're going to be able to end it.
Jesse:Right. Yeah, absolutely. It's like one of those topics that isn't talked about in my suspicion is that it's because it hits close to home for a lot of people. But I'm curious what your thoughts are on that, why don't we talk about it? Or is it kind of personally the closet?
Unknown:Yeah, I think this really comes from this. Like, you know, like, what happens in your family is like family, you know, like, Don't air your dirty laundry, I really think that is what continues to drive this and it. There's also a lot of shame that comes around from it, you know, so we've had many survivors who've had, you know, really powerful jobs, they're doing all this great stuff, and then to like, and then how did I get into this situation, right, because it truly can happen to anyone, and it can happen any time. And that deterioration of the relationship can just happen slowly. And in such small ways that you don't really notice until, you know, a lot of people do like and all of a sudden you like, look around, you don't recognize who you are, or what's going on, like, how did I get into the situation? So there's a lot of shame around it, too. I know that some survivors, I know, it's like they have not told very many people in their life about, you know, they're experiencing with, there's experience with this. And it's just, you know, maybe they don't want to relive what had went on. They don't want people to judge them. They don't want. Again, there's just so much shame. So it's, I think the more we can break down that stigma, the better off we're all going to be so that we all and I think just breaking down that like, this isn't a family issue. This isn't everyone issue, you know?
Jesse:Yeah, absolutely. You know, I think I have my suspicions that some men listening or, or some men out there might hear domestic violence and think, you know, I'm, you know, I'm the good guy, I'm not the guy that's out there doing that. This isn't an issue that involves me. What What role do you know men have when it comes to ending domestic violence?
Unknown:Yeah, I mean, I think the biggest thing is just being an advocate and standing up when you see something that's going wrong, you know, so if you have, you know, a male friend who, you know, talks down to his partner or, you know, is kind of, always in charge of the finances, doesn't let his partner spend money, it will just, you know, doesn't let her work, whatever that may be. I mean, I think, like, starting to have this conversations of like, Hey, this is not okay. And, you know, and some of that kind of anything, just calling it out. And it's, it's hard, but I think really just doing the work to understand what domestic violence is, again, believing that it's real, and and taking a stand. And also, I think, just jokes, right? I'm just kind of something of like, Oh, don't be so sensitive, or I'm just joking. It's like, but joking about domestic violence, again, kind of tells that, if you think about if you're a survivor, and someone tells a domestic violence joke, you know, like, Oh, I've heard some bad stuff. I'm not going to share them again, but I'm sure we've all heard them. It's like, but if you're in a group of people, and someone tells that joke, and this person is a good, you know, one of the good people it's like, is that the person you're gonna go to and say, Hey, I need help. Probably Not. So it's also just those kinds of things of like, I know there's so much pushback right now in terms of like, Oh, we're all getting we have to be so PC, and we have to do all of these things, but at the same time to really think about, but if you were to put yourself in the shoes of having had that experience, like, would that ever be funny? You know, would that ever? And even if maybe you particularly could see that funny? Like, can you imagine that wouldn't be funny for someone else? And and also what the messages that you're sending? Like how, how would someone ever come to you to ask for help? If it doesn't seem like you're taking it seriously, or you don't really find it to be a serious issue or something that's worthy of joking?
Jesse:Yeah, it's almost building another barrier that survivors have to jump through by by creating that, until laughing matter. Um, I'm curious how you how you see queer relationships, and the challenges survivors in those relationships might have? Yeah.
Unknown:Again, you know, domestic violence does not discriminate. So domestic, definitely shows up in queer relationships. I think one of the hard the Northwest network, I want to say is an organization in our community who does can to specifically help survivors who are LGBTQ plus, again, not seeing the beginnings does not, but I just want to offer that as another resource. But I know one thing that's really hard as maybe sometimes like figuring out who the abuser gets in those relationships, and or, because they're same sex, a lot of times, there's just so many, again, stories we have around what that can look like, you know, and so that can be really tough. And, and I think that there's more shame, and more, again, just more barriers, kind of coming through trying to get help. But again, they see a lot of the same, like that power and control wheel is the same, but there may be some added things of, you know, maybe one partner isn't out to their family. And so, you know, or maybe they're not out to their church, or whatever that may be. And so it kind of adds another dynamic of potential abuse as well just are not up to their job, right? Because in some places, it's still perfectly legal to fire someone for being you Okay. And so, there's a lot of ways that you can control someone just by matter of that. In those circumstances, too, so that there is a whole other element that comes, I'm sure many that come together with, with that being in the same sex or gay relationship?
Jesse:Yeah, absolutely. Well, we've covered a lot today I'm wondering, yeah, I'm wondering if there's a question that I haven't asked you that I should have?
Unknown:Um, I don't think so. I mean, I think again, kind of the biggest thing I always like to tell people is like, if someone discloses anything to you, believe them even because a lot of times abusers are very charismatic, and what they show to the world versus what goes on, inside, you know, behind closed doors can be very, very different. And so, you know, again, I've known people in my life, who I cannot believe what was going on was going on knowing both, or at least the persona that I knew, you know, of some of the abuser. But again, the biggest thing is just believe them. Thank you so much for telling me, how can I support you? It's just it's, it just want to really drive that home? Because it's, it's the way you respond, can really make a difference between someone leaving a relationship sooner than later? Or maybe never.
Jesse:Do you think we can achieve gender equity without solving domestic violence?
Unknown:I don't, I actually don't believe we can achieve most of the goals we have as a society without ending domestic violence. Because if you think about a lot of the different you know, like Maslow's hierarchy comes to mind, but a lot of the different things we talk about, like what you have to have in order to start to achieve more and more your life. Safety is always one of the very basic things and if you are not safe at home, and you you don't I mean it's really hard to do those things. If you know, we can put all the money we want into early learning, but if that child is at home with a lot of abuse happening, I don't know that it's going to make a big difference. I really think so. I mean, I just I really think safety is like one of the number one key issues and I think domestic violence is something that is perpetuating a lot of other issues, but we don't really talk about that enough.
Jesse:How do you think you know the average person can can start talking about it, bring it up in conversation?
Unknown:I think I'm just something as simple as like, Hey, I heard this podcast and It was really interesting. You know, I mean, like, Yeah, we all read, we read things about domestic violence, you know, there's that series that's out right now on Netflix mate, I believe it's Netflix, you know, made came out. And I know, there's a lot of buzz coming around that there was one, you know, on HBO a couple of years ago. So it's like, domestic violence is in the media, and it's kind of peripherally out there. But I think just having those conversations and not just like, oh, yeah, it's a great show, but like really starting to talk through the dynamics that are going on, you know, and trying to learn more, and just just talking about more of the nuance that we're all learning can be really helpful.
Jesse:Yeah, absolutely. Do you have any messages for anyone out there who may be experiencing abuse?
Unknown:Yes, I am. I think I would want them to know they're not alone. It is not their fault. And that we are here to help at whatever point that makes sense. And, and I think another thing about new beginnings that's really wonderful is that we don't get compassion fatigue. With that statistic of the eight, you know, it can take eight times, a lot of times there's, you know, family members or friends may say, like, if you go back this time, like, I just can't keep helping you and things like that, but like New Beginnings is always going to be there. And we know that it's really hard. And we know that there's so many more complications and reasons that are hard to understand. But we are absolutely here for you 100% of the time. And like I said, there's, you know, you're not alone. And we're here.
Jesse:And where can people go to learn more,
Unknown:our website www.newbiggin.org is a great place to start and the helpline number, which is 206-522-9472.
Jesse:Awesome. Um, and, and you're doing just some incredible work in New Beginnings. And I think you'd have a powerful message for the world. So I always like to ask everyone on making change. If you had a microphone to the world, what would you tell it?
Unknown:This is a great question. And I think I would say that all these changes we are fighting so hard for are completely possible. And if we could start to listen to those who are most marginalized, and really start to address the things that, you know, the people who are experiencing the most barriers are facing if we get them up, the rest of us are going to rise as well. Instead of working our way down, we should really start at the bottom and come up because it's going to happen a lot faster and a lot easier. But I truly believe it's possible for us to end domestic violence. I think it's possible for us to address racism in a very real way and and the systemic ways that that's all and engaging nurses might I just, maybe it's the eternal optimist in me. But I truly believe that we can absolutely do this we just need to keep doing the work and and not accepting anything other than guilty.
Jesse:This has been another episode of Miking Change. And I just want to give a big thank you to Rachelle Nesta, and the entire team at New Beginnings for the work they're doing to empower survivors build community awareness and ultimately end domestic violence. And just a reminder for anyone who may feel that they have found themselves inside an abusive relationship, the check out their website at newbegin.org or call their hotline at 206-522-9472. I hope you've enjoyed listening to this. As much as I've enjoyed making it at Miking Change. My hope is to create a solution focused way for you to stay informed on some of our world's most pressing issues. As I work to make this project more sustainable. Your support on social media would mean the world to me, you can find me with the handle at making change on Instagram, and just say hi and let me know if there's a mission close to your heart that you'd like covered here on this show. And finally, don't forget to hit that subscribe button. And join me again next week as we work to put a microphone to the stories that matter.