Will I Ever Be Happy Again? Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

When you're in the middle of a divorce, it can feel like a bomb went off and the smoke is so thick you can't see an inch in front of your face. You can't picture life on the other side, and you're terrified it's going to hurt like this forever. After almost 20 years in family law, here's what I know that you can't see yet: it doesn't.

In this episode of No One Dies from Divorce, I sit down with my CoilLaw colleague Chariden to talk about the part nobody can imagine while they're still in it: life after divorce, and how often it turns out healthier, more peaceful, and more like you than the life you're leaving behind.

We talk about why the fear of the unknown is so paralyzing, and why so many of the things people are most afraid of never turn out as bad as they imagined. I share what I call the rebound effect, the way your body is actually built to find its way back to happiness after something traumatic, even when you're convinced it never will. And we get into the one-year-later reality I see over and over: the client who swore they'd never get married again, who's thriving six months down the road and barely recognizes the person who first walked into my office.

If you're a parent scared of what divorce means for your children, we cover that head-on. Kids do not thrive in a home full of conflict. They thrive with two parents who are calmer, healthier, and finally at peace, even in two different houses.

Healing isn't linear and nobody expects you to be okay tomorrow. Some days you'll be on the floor. But your future is still being written, and this moment doesn't have to be the thing that defines you. No one dies from divorce. A lot of people finally start living.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to another episode of No One Dies from Divorce. I'm super excited because this is the one that I think is the most impactful in what people need to hear if they're going through a divorce. And what we're going to talk about is life after divorce, what actually happens. And when people are going through a divorce, they often believe the pain they are feeling will last forever. They cannot imagine life on the other side of it. But the truth is the story does not end with divorce. And for many people, that's actually where rebuilding begins. And today we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about the fear people experience during divorce about the future, what divorce can feel like, the end of identity, stability and security, the reality of emotional and financial recovery after divorce. And then how many people eventually just discover unexpected peace, confidence, and happiness moving forward? So if we can give you a little bit of hope, that's our goal today. And I'm really excited to do this podcast with my partner in crime, Charidan. Welcome to the show. Thanks. So Sheridan was born and raised in West Jordan, Utah. Did you go to West Jordan High School?

Speaker 1:11

No, I went to a tiny, tiny little high school called Paradigm. Okay.

Speaker 1 1:15

Because I was born and raised in West Jordan, go Jaguar. So she joined Coil Law in 2024 after earning her law degree from the University of Utah. She graduated Sumakum Law from Westminster College with a degree in philosophy and has a strong passion for helping clients navigate difficult family law matters with compassion and practicality. And outside of work, Sheridan enjoys swimming, spending time outdoors, and cozy nights with her fiance and their dog, Diesel. Your dog is the cutest. He's adorable. We love him. Well, welcome to the show, Sheridan. I'm really glad that we can talk about this. Let's just kind of dive in. Because I want to talk about why is there so much fear of life after divorce?

Speaker 2:01

I feel like people are just scared of the unknown. Even though they know a marriage isn't working, they don't know what life is going to look like outside of that marriage. And I feel like a lot of the fears are practical. People are worried about money or whether they'll be able to support themselves, but it's also emotional. I mean, people are worried about being alone. I honestly hear a lot that people feel like they failed because their marriage didn't work and they're going through divorce. So I think that's where a lot of the fear stems from.

Speaker 1 2:29

I always say that like getting divorced is like a nuclear bomb went off. And, you know, when the nuclear bomb goes off, it's like the after effect, the cloud is so big and so thick that you cannot see literally an inch in front of your face. And that's where a lot of the unknown, the self-loathing, the scared, the fear comes from because not just knowing how you're going to be able to move forward. And then the cloud starts to dissipate, and slowly you're able to see that there is a pathway forward. There is a plan of survival. And then there is this beautiful rebirth that happens, this growth that comes from the phoenix arising from the ashes is the way I like to look at it. And if people could just take divorce and stop looking at it as a shameful subject, if 50% of America gets divorced, which those statistics are fairly correct, it needs to stop being a shameful subject because guess what? Fit one out of two of us are getting divorced. It needs to be looked at more of a movement of, yep, my marriage failed, but now what am I going to take from that? What am I going to learn from it? What am I going to do to become a better person, a better human being, a better friend, a better mother, a better father? Then it it stops becoming a shameful subject. It starts becoming a movement.

Speaker 3:52

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, and I think people don't give themselves credit for how resilient they actually are. And a lot of the fears they have at the beginning of the process are, I mean, they're real, but eventually they discover that what they were afraid of, it's not as bad as they imagined. I mean, a lot of people find themselves happier and more confident than they thought was going to be possible when they, you know, when they first come to us.

Speaker 1 4:15

Yeah. I talk about this in my book about rebound effect, about how our bodies are able to get back to the level of happiness that we were prior to a traumatic event. And a lot of people, something traumatic happens, a divorce or death in the family or something. How am I ever going to get back to this level of happiness? But our body is capable of doing it. And it, you know, maybe it takes a little work, a little time, but we're able to get there. There's this one year post-divorce reality that we live in. I hear it all the time. Like when people look at the reality one year later, they're like, wow, that was a way different experience, or that was a different outcome than I expected. Sheridan, how many times do you hear it in a divorce where they're like, I'm never getting married again? Oh, all the time. I'm never getting in a relationship again. I'm done. And then it's like six months later, and we're like getting their wedding invitation or whatever. Right.

Speaker 5:09

But they recover so well and they end up so much happier than before.

Speaker 1 5:13

Yeah. And honestly, we probably wouldn't recommend that you move into a relationship that fast because I really do want you to work on yourself. I really want you to take the opportunity to find your happiness. A lot of times in marriage, especially in longer-term marriages, they end up failing because one person or both of them have completely lost themselves. They've been living for each other rather than themselves. And the first thing we'll tell you as divorce attorneys, or I could be a marriage counselor if I need to be, is that marriage doesn't make you happy. The relationship doesn't make you happy. It's you. So if you have two whole people that find happiness in themselves and what they are, a marriage can only elevate that. That's what marriage is. And a lot of people forget that. And so, you know, we got so many of these people that are just put their head down and been grinding, you know, they're getting through their kids, they're busy, they're going through job loss, they're just trying to survive and they lose themselves. And so, whoo, well, this is the time to look up. This is the time to start dreaming again. I say that a lot. Wow, what do you what do you want to be when you grow up? Do you remember Sheridan when we were kids and like we were wondering, what are we gonna be? Like, who are we gonna marry? Remember dreaming of you're you're a lot younger than me. My dream of who I was gonna marry, you know, when I was younger was Prince William.

Speaker 6:29

I love that. My name's Justin Bieber.

Speaker 1 6:31

Oh, see? But but literally, and it remember the excitement and the fun, and we'd buy these magazines and we'd read about them. It it got us excited. That is the kind of level of excitement you can start thinking about again by dreaming again.

Speaker 6:45

Well, and people are forced to. Once you go through divorce, that's everything's brand new. And so they're forced to find something new. They're forced to find themselves again rather than just getting comfortable and like you said, putting your head in the sand. They have to come out, they have to figure out what's next.

Speaker 1 7:01

In fact, they a lot of times they feel emotionally lighter after the conflict ends. They figure out their financial stability, they figure out that part. Confident rebuilds over time. And then healing happens gradually. It's not overnight, but it's going to happen. I love it when they improve their mental health because mental health is real in our country and it's probably worse than it has ever been. But doing the work, putting in the work to help your mental health. A lot of times it's more peaceful at home because you don't have the conflict of the parties together. You have less anxieties because you don't have the emotional chaos. And then you get to rediscover hobbies and friendships that you didn't know. I tell a lot of people too, gaining financial independence and confidence is a superpower. Oh, absolutely. And sometimes we have these women that, oh my gosh, I have been a stay-at-home mom for years. How am I gonna manage? How am I gonna do this? And we're like, you're gonna be fine. Because you've figured out how to run a household and do all this stuff. I know for a fact that you're gonna be able to figure this out and you're gonna be okay. I love that. And I love seeing people be able to guide into that.

Speaker 8:08

My favorite clients actually to watch grow because when you first meet them, they are like so scared and just so absolutely have no idea what they're going to do next. And then after you're done with their divorce, you hear from them and they're doing so well, and they found a career that they love, and their life has just blossomed so much. It's so nice to see that kind of change.

Speaker 1 8:28

Yeah. How have you seen some of the financial and emotional recovery in your clients?

Speaker 8:33

Oh gosh. I feel like financial fear is the main driver for people staying in a marriage that they're no longer happy in because when you have two incomes that and you're barely scraping by, and then you leave each other and you have this single income that you're trying to live off of, and you don't know how you're gonna do it. It's terrifying. But people figure it out. It's hard and it's not going to come easy. But I think it's kind of like you said, they people know how to run their household, they knew how to keep things moving forward, and that's kind of what they have to do when it comes to finances. You have to figure it out. You figure out how to run the finances, you figure out how to keep moving forward.

Speaker 1 9:11

Yeah, I completely agree with that. And if you've never done a budget, you've never been part of the financial picture, a lot of times we get those people that say, My other spouse was financially controlling, but I don't know how to do anything. And I'm like, well, okay, well, first of all, we don't want to do the butt because if they were controlling, now we're taking away their control. And you get to now learn how to do all of that. And a lot of people get really overly stressed about it, but it's not that stressful. There's so many helps out there now. It's not like back in the 90s when my mom was balancing a checkbook, you know? You don't have to do anything like that, but knowing what a budget is, knowing how to invest money, knowing what you should do with the retirement account you're gonna get is all superpowers.

Speaker 10:00

Yeah.

Speaker 1 10:00

And it gives you the power back. You get control of that.

Speaker 10:04

When you're going through a divorce, I I don't think people realize how much you learn through that because I mean, we do the financial declaration, we walk through and we figure out what they're spending each month, and that helps them start to create that budget. And then, you know, we talk about those retirement accounts and they can kind of see what they absolutely need to survive and what they, you know, what they've been spending their money on each month. And so it really is a learning process where they can figure it out as they go.

Speaker 1 10:31

Yeah, absolutely. And there's lots of help out there, it's not as intimidating as a lot of people want to put it. And the internet is a great resource to help you kind of where to start. Simple app. And you're gonna be able to figure it out. It takes a lot of power back for you to be able to be in control of that. That goes to our next point of identity rebuilding. After divorce, a lot of people just lose who they are, they don't know what they like, they don't remember the last time that they did something for themselves. And when we talk about like self-care, you'll listen to a lot of women be like, oh yeah, I would get my nails done. That's not self-care. That is not doing something for you fully. I think women, we're the worst at this because we are caregivers. Like we are bred, I guess, to take care of everybody else. And so we really forget who we are. And because of that, a lot of it it we just lose our identity. And we're seeing this huge movement right now where women in their 40s and 50s are like done. They're like, I'm done taking care of everybody else. It's time for me to take care of myself. And that goes a lot along with this identity rebuilding because you lose yourself inside marriage conflict, but divorce forces you to rediscover who you are individually. It helps you have to identify the things that get you excited or terrify you at the same time. So, because of that, you're able to say, okay, I'm so scared of money. And then you have to go into, but how am I gonna solve that? Because I'm not going to have the spell safe. I've got to fix that. So it's gonna put you in this motive and this determination to figure out, okay, I gotta get from here to there. How am I gonna do that? And you figure it out. Sometimes, like you said, sure, and it's not easy, it's not clean, can be messy, but you'll get there. And then I love it when I see the clients finally start reconnecting with parts of themselves that they had abandoned. How many times have we heard where a client's like, I used to run? I used to love to run and I stopped because I didn't have the time, or I had babies and I gained weight and I didn't have the body anymore. Oh, what a good time to start running again.

Speaker 12:50

It's so fun to see their growth and see them refine themselves and the things that made them happy before they kind of got lost in just the day-to-day life.

Speaker 1 13:00

Absolutely. Because healing includes rebuilding confidence and self-worth. And it's a beautiful thing. It really is the phoenix coming from the ashes. It's still you, it still comes with your strengths, it still comes with your crap as well. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean all your crap goes away. But it gives you the opportunity for you to kind of figure that out and think, why was I crappy? Why was I mean? Why was I a bad dad? Why did I let my wife do all of the household stuff and take care of the kids? And now my kids don't want to spend time with me. Well, great. Now I'm gonna figure out what I need to do to be a better dad, to show up in ways that I haven't been able to do this because I don't have the wife there who just is taking care of. I mean, I I really do think that it can be a beautiful discovery zone for both of you. And it can be fun. Start dreaming again. What are what do you think, Sheridan, are some of the unexpected positive outcomes from divorce?

Speaker 13:59

Honestly, I think at the beginning, I think a lot of people focus on what they're losing. And so they don't think about the fact that they're going to gain so much peace. And I think that's what's shocking to people. Because once all the conflict and the tension and all the uncertainty goes away, they have so much energy to put towards being happy again, finding, like you said, finding the things they love. They've come out of like so much adversity that now they just actually get to enjoy themselves.

Speaker 1 14:27

Yeah. I think one of the things we hear the most is like moms that have been the primary caretaker, which majority of mothers are the primary caretaker, whether you work or you don't work. And they, you know, we get these moms that are really, really scared of losing their kids. Like, I can't even imagine not being able to see my kids every day. And I think that that is a perspective, and that's understandable, especially when you've been like a stay-at-home mom and you've been so focused on that. But that's why if you change your perspective of not having my kids every day now gives me time for myself, that's going to be an unexpected positive outcome. Having every other weekend without my kids is a dream of mine. And I don't, and I'm not divorced, but being able to have that time just for me and to do it unselfishly. Because how many women wouldn't leave their kids for a weekend to go with girlfriends to it to something because they don't want to be selfish and they don't want to leave the family. But when you don't have your kids, you don't have to be selfish.

Speaker 15:31

Yeah. I think that it also gives you the opportunity when you do have your kids to have that more quality time before you're just going through the motions. But then a divorce comes with a more structured lifestyle and it kind of forces it on you. But you have, you know, your certain days with your kids where you know you're going to have them and you have the opportunity to have that, those deeper connections on those days because you know they're coming up.

Speaker 1 15:55

I love that because people can adjust their work schedule so they work more when their kids aren't there, and then that way they don't have to work as much when their kids are with them. You see that kind of growth and understanding, exactly like you said, shared in a being able to connect in a different way to your children. That is more special than seeing them every single day. And if you're at the mom that has just been a hundred percent responsible for the household, it gives you a break. Break, you get a vacation that you have never had. Yeah. Um, which is really healthy and it allows you to find the versions of yourself that you forgot you had. And I know some people are listening and thinking this is awful, but there's so many women out there that have lived this experience and have talked about it on the internet now through podcasts and and different ways, social media, where you could go and say that they were in the exact spot you were. They were like, I'm never gonna get through this. I never want to not see my kids. And now they're down the road and they're like, Oh yeah, okay, I'm good. I feel amazing. I'm I'm in such a better place. And it was just getting there, you know, it's just getting down that road, holding on, knowing you're gonna be okay.

Speaker 17:08

And kids tend to do better too. At first, obviously, that big of a change to your parents going through divorce, that's hard on kids. And I don't want to, you know, discount that. But honestly, once they are in these new environments, they're it's a more stable environment, it's a healthier environment. The conflict is has decreased. So kids are becoming less anxious, they're becoming more emotionally secure, and they just feel more comfortable in in this new space that they're in. And so they actually end up thriving as well.

Speaker 1 17:39

I agree with that. Because sometimes the hardest endings create the healthiest beginnings. And trust me, just because we're divorce attorneys doesn't mean we're deaf on the fact that it hurts right now. And that if you're still in that beginning stage of just getting to acceptance, we're not saying you have to be there tomorrow. We just want you to hear that there is a rainbow at the end of this. There is a pathway forward of being stronger, of being healthier, of finding your worth and then being truly happy. And you can get there. I know what people wish they knew. First, we know the pain will not last forever. You don't have to figure out everything immediately. We get it. Healing is messy and it's nonlinear. So I get it. Some days you're just gonna be on the floor crying. Just like Sheridan said, like children can still thrive after a divorce. I wrote a whole chapter on it in my book. Your kids are gonna be okay. In fact, the studies show that kids do much better in a two-home household with two thriving parents than they do in a household with parents that are fighting and there's tons of conflict. So make that your goal. My house is gonna be the house of peace, the house of no conflict, because I got away from the conflict. And we get it, starting over is terrifying. But just like we said, it's your time to dream again. What do you want to be when you grow up? I literally, like 40 is the new 20. Like, if you're in your 40s and you're like, I don't know what go to school. You want to go get a degree? You go get it, girl. Guy, you want a new job, figure it out. You're not dying tomorrow. Yeah, you you got lots and lots of time. And this is the time to start really kind of figuring that out so that you can be fully, you know, thriving. Sheridan, what do you want to tell your clients early? Or you wish that they would have just known earlier in this process.

Speaker 19:32

Oh, I wish I could take them into the future with me and show them that everything's gonna be okay. And I know it sounds so cliche, but it really is all going to work out. I think some of my clients that come to me and they're like, My life is over, everything's done, never gonna see my kids again. All the bad things are going to happen to me, usually end up being the happiest at the very end of it. And obviously, people are going to grieve differently, and it's like you said, it's not linear. They're gonna take two steps forward and 20 steps back, but by the end of it, they're just so much happier.

Speaker 1 20:07

Yeah, I agree with that. And just remember it's one step at a time. Sometimes it's not even a step, sometimes you just have to breathe in and out, in and out. You want to focus on stability, not before perfection. Nobody's looking for you to be perfect right now, and that's okay. Very, very important to build your support systems, get your people, they're there to help with the emotional regulation, not to give you legal advice, though. I want you to know that, and your support system is gonna be huge for you. The blood is thicker than water, so your family is always gonna be your family. I know, I know after divorce it's really hard because you lose a family. You do because blood goes with blood. You lose, you know, his or hers, you know, brothers and sisters, and sometimes you lose friends, and um, we know that. But good time to meet new people. It's just like in high school, I met a new friend friend group every single year. You can do that the same, and you'll find your people that really know you and want to be there for you. Allow yourself to grieve without believing grief is permanent because your body is capable of feeling happiness again and being at the same level of happiness you were back in your life. It probably wasn't the happiness right before your divorce, because clearly something happened or something was leading up to the divorce. But it's it's not permanent, and you'll get through this. And then just remember that your future is still being written. This moment, this divorce, does not have to be the defining moment of who you are, but it can be the defining thing that changes who you are. And just like in Wicked, because I knew you, I have changed for good. Right. What last takeaway do you want to tell our listeners when talking about such a heavy subject?

Speaker 22:04

I think it's best to just know, take it one step at a time. You're going to get through it. Some of the most positive outcomes come out of situations that you would never expect. So keep moving forward, listen to your attorney's advice. And no one dies from divorce.

Speaker 1 22:20

Yes. Remember, divorce is painful, it's exhausting and life-changing. But so many people eventually realize the life waiting for them afterwards is healthier, more peaceful, and more authentic than they ever imagined while they were stuck in survival mode. Just like you said, no one dies from divorce, but many finally start living. I love this. Sheridan, you are a joy and a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining us on our episode today. Thank you for having me. It was so fun to be here. And remember, no one dies from divorce. Subscribe to all of our channels linked below and tune in for next week. You're gonna be okay. We got you.