Setting Healthy Biblical Boundaries Without Guilt

We talk honestly about why boundaries can feel unloving to Christians and why that guilt often comes from misplaced standards, pressure from others, and a conscience that is not well informed. We anchor boundaries in Scripture by looking at God’s clear lines, Jesus’ practice of rest, and how limits can protect our ability to love and serve well.

Transcript

Why Boundaries Feel Unchristian

SPEAKER_01 0:01

On today's episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:02

The the example Bob brought up there is a great one. Jesus withdrawing from the crowds in order to pray, to recharge, or whatever. I guess first of all we can say, well, if Jesus did it, we know it was good and godly and it was a loving thing to do. But he also understood that if he did not take that break, if he did not recharge and reconnect with his father, that he was not going to be able to do what was his responsibility as well as he should. Welcome to the Life Challenges Podcast from Christian Life Resources. Our world today presents people with complicated issues of life and death, marriage and family, health, and science. It can be a struggle to understand or deal with them. We're here to help by bringing good information and a fresh biblical perspective to these matters and more. Join us now for life challenges.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

Hi, and welcome back. I'm Christopher Tritz, and I'm here today with Pastors Bob Fleischmann and Jeff Samelson. And today we're going to talk about the topic of setting boundaries. Many Christians may struggle with boundaries because we have absorbed a version of love that equates godly with limitless self-sacrifice. So we have this idea of self-sacrifice, and maybe that makes it difficult for us to set boundaries. But my hope that when we go through everything today, we can see how boundaries can be a really good thing, how God uses boundaries in scripture, and um and how boundaries can also be a form of love too. And so I think these will be some of the topics that we'll touch on today when we look at boundaries. Anything either of you want to say just in general about this topic before we get started too?

SPEAKER_00 1:55

I'll I'll just uh emphasize something you you you said there that you know we're we're touching the surface here. Um in half an hour, we we cannot get very deep into this. And if this is a deep issue for you personally, at least do some more reading and research on this, if not getting help from uh from outside. But uh we hopefully this will be a a topic that uh you know maybe opens some eyes that uh to things that you didn't see before.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Well, and and for me, just prepping on it, um this is probably one of my hardest topics to deal with. Because I you know I'm always wrestling with where's the line, and the line is different for people too. And so it's um yeah, this this was a hard one for me to think of.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

All right, well, let's uh let's jump

What A Boundary Really Is

SPEAKER_01 2:38

into it here. And maybe a simple question, but uh, how would you define a boundary in relational terms? And where do you see that concept reflected in Scripture?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Well, like a property line. A boundary in relation to other people is what marks where what is mine ends and what is someone else's begins and vice versa. We can also talk about in terms of ownership, just as with property, uh except in this this context, we're talking about responsibilities. This is what's mine, this is what's not mine. And finally, we can also speak in terms of identity. A boundary delineates what is me and what is not me. Now, this is not a terminology that we will specifically find in Scripture, but the concept really is there. In the Bible, each person is told to take responsibility for him or herself. I don't know if this will be airing before or after our episode on Cain and Abel, but since it comes to mind, Cain was supposed to take responsibility for himself and not be worrying about what's going on between Abel and God. That's kind of a boundary there. Now, in some vocations, biblically speaking, we do take a lot of responsibility for others, parents for their children, husbands and wives, for instance. In some vocations, it's a more limited responsibility. Pastors, they have responsibility for the spiritual welfare of their congregation, but not supporting them financially or something like that. But for the most part, Christians recognize that loving and serving our neighbors and wanting what is best for them does not mean that we make them our responsibility. They remain individuals responsible for themselves. And we learn a lot about this from God Himself and from the way he deals with individual humans and humanity in general. He draws distinct lines between what is his and what is ours, and he sticks to them. And when we don't respect his boundaries, well, that's sinful, and it's also uh quite foolish.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

Many Christians, though, I think do feel guilty, even maybe just considering putting up a boundary, that if we say no, it sounds unloving, or even unspiritual

Where The Guilt Comes From

SPEAKER_01 4:53

too. Uh, where do you think that guilt comes from?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Aaron Powell As with most things with guilt, uh there are numerous sources, numerous things it can be, sometimes all simultaneously. Mention Satan. He's called the accuser for a reason. He loves to whisper into our ears that we're not good enough, we're not doing enough. So we'll feel guilty about that. You know, I should be doing more. We might have been raised to think that we need to be doing more, we need to never say no. We might even have the voice of someone who is long dead ringing in our ears, telling us that we've got to do whatever is asked of us, because that's the Christian thing to do. Sadly, there are some churches that promote these kinds of ideas, this idea that you should never put up a limit, that you should always be saying yes to anyone who asks you for anything. And uh many people, perhaps most, really like having a people pleaser around because it makes their life easier. Well, they don't have to do the hard work. And uh and if you go from having few or no boundaries to enforcing clear ones, well, other people might lay a guilt trip on you because you're making their life less comfortable, less easy, or you may simply feel bad when you see how disappointed they are uh in you. And so that creates guilt. But a lot of it, perhaps most of it, really is just internal. We set up some kind of standard in our heads of what a good Christian man or woman uh does and is like. And in order to meet that standard, we step over the line or we um eliminate the line that should be there, uh, and we feel like we should take responsibility for things that are not ours to take responsibility for. And then when we fail in doing so, or we uh we're unable to act as we think we should, or we think we're just not doing good enough, we feel guilty about that. And it's it's not an accurately informed conscience in that case.

The Scarcity Of Time

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Aaron Ross Powell Like I said at the outset, this is the hardest one for me because I always have various Bible passages that echo through my head. Philippians 2 about thinking more of others than you do of yourself. You think of to whom much is given, much more is required, and work well is day because night comes, no one can work. You look at all of those things and and it tends to, on the one hand, drive and push to the point, and then you get into situations where it's uh it's difficult to say no. There are a lot of things in life uh that you could ask me for, and I can say yes easily. You need to borrow a vehicle. I have a vehicle, you could borrow that. Yes. Need to borrow a spray painter. I happen to have a commercial spray painter, I could say yes. Those are easy, no sacrifice, no boundaries being crossed. Where I get into trouble uh personally, uh this is more confessional than it is um academic, and that is like time. Time is like the greatest scarce commodity in my life. And uh and it is a a problem I wrestle with where people will say, Can you do this? Well, okay, yeah. And I don't know how I'm gonna do it, you know, and I don't know when. I I also happen to have another gift, and that is I can get by sometimes with very little sleep. So sometimes I end up trying to fulfill those kinds of things in the middle of the night. But as as I was plodding through these questions and and wrestling with them, it it prompted me to ask, you know, where are those lines? And I I saw one one example where it says, you know, where Jesus and you know, the disciples came back from a uh a mission trip really, and and Jesus said, Okay, let's rest. You know, that was in Mark. Uh let's rest. And and and I read that and I'm going, Oh yeah. Yeah, that is and that's where it gets hard for me, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

Yeah, I think, you know, when when we think of this topic of boundaries too, a lot of times it is, okay, yeah, like if if I say no, I'm unloving. And and you're saying, Bob, it's hard too. And we know that we can do it, right? Like we know we can help people or maybe give our more of ourselves. But you sometimes setting the boundaries isn't about us not having time or not wanting to do it. Sometimes it is about the other person as well. I have always said too, all right, you know, if I go to the dollar store, I can buy my kids anything they want in the dollar store. I mean, if we go in there and I I did just go in there with my two daughters and stuff too. I mean, even though they've gone up now, some of their items are five dollars, I still like I have the means to buy anything in the dollar store that my kids want. Do I? No, I don't because I don't want to set the precedent that money is just expendable like that. I I want them to understand the value of things. I want them to know that, you know, even though we can get this piece of candy, we're not going to. And these are the reasons why. And so sometimes us setting boundaries is for the other person that we're setting them for. And a really great example in this is scripture where God sets boundaries for his people. And so I was wondering if we could look at some of those examples in scripture where God sets boundaries for other people and talk about maybe why why he does that and what that teaches us.

Jesus Models Rest And Limits

SPEAKER_00 10:04

The the example Bob brought up there is a great one. Jesus withdrawing from the crowds in order to pray, to recharge or whatever. I guess first of all, we can say, well, if Jesus did it, we know it was good and godly and and it was a loving thing to do. But he also understood that if he did not take that break, if he did not recharge and reconnect with his father, that he was not going to be able to do what was his responsibility as well as he should it. He would be tired, he would be lacking energy and such, and he he knew he needed to be his best, and so he he would do those things. So he was still incredibly giving, but at the same time he recognized that being a good steward required that he take those those times and he set those boundaries and stick with them. The way God models those boundaries, it it just impresses upon us that these are good things. These are ways that uh we love others. You can't meet your your external responsibilities if your internal world is unhealthy or unbalanced, you're stretching yourself too thin, if you're doing damage to yourself somehow because you're not maintaining proper boundaries, then you're not going to be able to love or serve others as you should and and as as you you want to.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

As I've been wandering aimlessly sometimes through this topic, uh I think it's a little bit of a God complex that happens to us uh when we get wrapped up into this. And and for me, kind of a a throttling back occurs when I look at the uh the Apostles' Creed and we go through the humiliation and the exaltation of Christ. When we look at Christology and the humiliation, um what we call the humiliation, it's God taking upon Himself all of these boundaries through by which those boundaries God leveraged for our salvation. Being born uh of Mary, being a human, needing rest, having to sometimes escape a crowd that might hurt him uh at a time that was outside of God's schedule for it. And so, you know, we sometimes develop a God complex and forget that this this is the playing field that God has established for us. So when God has called me to glorify him in all that I do, he wants me to do this in in a very human state, which means I can't pull all-nighters, I can't go days without eating, I sometimes you just have to draw a line.

When No Boundaries Hurt Kids

SPEAKER_00 12:37

It might help to look at this by um you know with two negative but uh opposite examples. We have the child who is raised as a spoiled brat. So his parents never say no. They they don't have any boundaries with him, and they don't teach him to have any boundaries himself because the way he's raised, everything that he sees that he wants is his. Everyone's supposed to serve him and and make make him happy or whatever. I think we all know, we we've probably known that person when he or she grows up and is insufferable as an adult, uh, who doesn't uh who's unsuit suited for living and and working with with other adults as a result of that. And the opposite example there is the child who grows up in a very unhealthy home. Maybe one or both parents is an alcoholic, maybe there's some other mental or emotional issue going on there. But that child grows up with a sense of I gotta make sure that I behave because I can't risk setting dad off. I can't risk upsetting mom. And so that child then grows up to think I am responsible for everybody else's emotions. I am responsible for making sure no one is ever unhappy. So I will sacrifice whatever of myself and my happiness and my balance or whatever just to make sure that everyone around me is in a good state. Those are both negatives. Those are both a result of not having learned proper boundaries. We learn responsibility, we become better humans from not having everything taken care of for us by other people, whether that's God, not just giving us everything that we might think we want, whether it's our parents, you know, when we're growing up, recognizing that sometimes, like you were saying with your example, having to say no in order to teach responsibility, lessons, uh, uh, you know, the ability to manage your desires and things like that, whether, you know, maybe our spouses or whomever. You know, this is the way that God's in love set things up. So when we maintain proper boundaries for ourselves, we are loving others by letting them learn responsibility from our limits. They're letting learn letting them learn from the consequences they might face from overstepping, uh, and so on. Other people become better people because of our boundaries.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

Now, boundaries sometimes are natural, like at some point you gotta get some sleep. Uh, some points are uh boundaries are natural, like here's a cliff, you can't go past it or you're gonna fall into the ravine. And then some some boundaries are established culturally. Uh, there's like for example, teaching children not to interrupt. When as as I've watch our children raise their children, you know, they'll teach them that it's not polite to interrupt. And managing it has to do with motivation. When when I want to ignore the boundary for sleep, what is my motivation for doing that? Sometimes we tend to think to ourselves, but it's a higher good, putting others before me. I'm doing this or I'm doing that. And then I'm reminded of just something that off off mic, Jeff and I were talking about with uh you know, it's it seemed perfectly perfectly logical for Paul and the missionary team to go into Asia Minor, and it was prevented. There was a boundary uh established by the Spirit, God the Holy Spirit, that prevented him. So in other words, we do tend to bluff ourselves into sometimes stepping over boundaries, and it it does require us to kind of be introspective, look back and say, why am I truly stepping over this? Is this really the right thing? Again, I'm I am nowhere uh near having all the answers on this

Family Boundaries With Consequences

SPEAKER_02 16:22

one.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Well, you know, I want to kind of go maybe through some practical things that we can talk about too. Family relationships are often where boundaries feel the hardest, uh especially maybe with parents, adults, children, or extended family members. What does honoring someone look like when it doesn't mean giving them unlimited access to your time, energy, and decisions?

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Communication is key. You're saying this is my boundary. I love you, but this is as far as I go, or this is as much as I can give you. If you can't respect that, I'm sorry. This isn't open for negotiation. And and you repeat it as necessary. You you you don't keep the person from feeling the consequences of disrespecting your boundaries. I mean, that's that's your instinct. You you don't want them to feel bad, but of course that's part of the whole problem in the first place, often, you know. Um, but you say, no, that this is my boundary, you've overstepped, and uh, so there's going to be a consequence from this, which I I told you there was going to be, and you let them feel it, because that's the only way they're going to learn that you are serious about that boundary. Um, and and that their their behavior will uh change. But at the same time, don't overdo it either. Going no contact with somebody, it might feel good for a little while, but it it might not be what's appropriate for someone who just needs to learn to dial things back. Mom, I told you we're not going to talk about my weight or how you think I'm overeating anymore. So bye. We'll talk again next week. Okay? That's maintaining the boundary, but it's not cutting things off entirely. And it's a much more mature, loving, and Christian way than simply saying, you know what, I feel so great now. I've cut my mother off entirely, and all her negativity is out of my life now. Okay, well, you're not dealing with that anymore, but you've also no longer can love or serve your mother in any way. And is that really fair compared to the supposed offense there? You you've got to be wise about it. But a lot of it is just communicating well and making good decisions about it, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Aaron Powell There are two thoughts that come to mind with family uh having to do with being a parent with children. Diane uh saved my neck more than a few times by reminding me that when your children are young and they rely on you for the basics food, getting cleaned, all those kinds of things. And those are things that they are to be responsible for themselves as they get older. And there are people who sometimes keep giving in, you know, keep helping them in those areas, even as they get older, and to the point where they get used. And at some point you gotta draw a line there. You know, in other words, I am supposed to think of you ahead of myself. I'm supposed to was it Galatians, you know, we we carry burdens, but at the same time you have to carry your own load. So you carry your load, but when something's overly burdensome, when there's tragedy in the family, whatever we'll step in. So in other words, you have a line that's pretty clearly drawn in scripture and you just have to interpret it. The other area that is helpful uh too is with time comes uh experience, and with experience you get this kind of wild fantasy that you really can be the benevolent dictator if they just give you the chance. And so so you watch, and again, I'm talking about you know parents raising children. You want to start getting engaged in their life, like, okay, you're getting married, okay. Now don't make these mistakes, and these are the things you want to do. And what you're gonna buy that, you don't want to buy that kind of car. You want to do and again, Diane used to always say, just remember that's your dream for them. That may not be their dream. Drawing the line sometimes has to to involve recognizing that each of us are to be are to grow and and to fend for ourselves. You're not going to be there always, and they have to be able to take it on and to keep going. So a boundary exists in not in not stepping over the line, and that means sometimes having a very strong, loving, trusted voice to tell you cut it out. And Diane was that for me.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Yeah. Yeah. I well, I was just, you know, and hearing both of you talking, especially to with like some of the examples Jeff gave as well. I think, you know, one thing that's just important to remember, I mean, especially like with dealing with family and boundaries, is that when somebody crosses your boundary or, you know, disrespects maybe the line that you have, offering maybe a consequence to that, but also forgiveness too. And I mean, see that very much like displayed even just with Adam and Eve in the garden, right? Like God had the rule for them, do not eat from this tree. And they did, and there was consequence, but there was also forgiveness. And I think, you know, it kind of goes to your point too, Jeff, of like not like, you know, cutting off the person entirely. I mean, maybe there is a consequence, maybe there is like, you know, a certain amount of time or that type of thing. And, you know, you want to establish a healthy boundary and and all of that. But, you know, I think sometimes in our society too, we go too far and we don't do that step of forgiveness.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

And that's one of the things that I think makes all of this discussion different for Christians as opposed to just people in society in general. Christians understand forgiveness and we we prioritize that and we want to make sure we give that um that we forgive as Is uh in Christ God forgave

Forgiveness Without Removing The Line

SPEAKER_00 22:02

us. When I talk about forgiveness, I think it it helps to think of it in terms of debt, because that's the way scripture often talks about with our sins, we we work up a debt before God. Well, if I loan a friend $500 and he says, I'll pay you back next week, and a week goes by, and a month goes by, and a year goes by, and two years go by, and he never pays me back, I may decide, okay, I'm gonna forgive that that debt, okay, because there's no point in holding on to it anymore. It's clear, you know, that you're not gonna give me that money back. But good stewardship means that the next time he comes to me and says, Hey, can I buy a thousand dollars? I say no. It's not because I don't love him, it's because uh I I don't have that $500 or $1,000 to do. Or I might simply think, I am not going to contribute to the hole you're digging yourself into with you know whatever you want to spend this money on. And that's the way it can be with forgiveness in our family relationships and others' relationships as well. Somebody steps over the line, somebody violates our boundaries or whatever. Yes, we're forgiving for that, but that doesn't mean that we say, okay, well, I guess I'm not going to maintain that boundary anymore. It doesn't mean that we say, okay, well, I'm never going to let you face consequences for doing this again. The wife who is having a long, long, long time problem with with her husband just raising his voice and yelling at her and belittling her and just can never quite seem to communicate what's important about what she's feeling and experiencing, because he's always just yelling at her. She sets the boundary, finally, and she says, I will not be spoken to that way anymore. This is not right, and and I I'm simply not going to let you speak to me that way anymore. Next time you do that, I'm leaving the room. And um, if in an hour you're ready to talk about this calmly, we can resume the conversation. But other than that, you you speak to me that way again, and that's the end of the conversation. Well, if he continues doing that, he faces the consequence. She leaves the room, he loses access to her, the conversation is over, he probably doesn't like that. She forgives him for that. She loves him. She doesn't say, okay, this marriage is over right away. But that doesn't mean that she then relaxes her boundary. No, that actually motivates her to be even more firm in it so that he learns the lesson about that and that he begins to respect the boundary.

Boundaries Inside The Church

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Another question, another practical example to kind of talk about here too, is maybe like in churches too. How do boundaries function differently inside the church? Um, for example, maybe with a pastor or ministry leader or a fellow believer who has hurt you or crossed a line.

SPEAKER_02 24:51

It's inevitable. I used to always tell some students um when I would work with them, I having a congregation is great until you have to have members. And that kind of messes it all up, because inevitably you're going to have, you know, the sinful nature at work and it's going to create some confusion and boundaries and so forth. And and we preachers, you know, you can't say as many words as we do uh without um hurting someone, hopefully unintentionally, but it just happens. People who will misunderstand uh what you meant and and it and it happens. And um and I and I hate to use the term this way, but I think it communicates the right message, and that is there needs to be a level of grace, you know, a level of undeserved love, like you may have hurt me, but in an un so because I'm hurt by you, uh you didn't earn my love. Uh but I have to give you the benefit of the doubt. And I think starting there. Now I'm gonna I know that sounds naive because some of you have talked to me about situations like this where you've tried to extend a little grace to your pastor and you find out that he's just persistently, you know, you feel like you're being hurt and so forth. My best advice still is to take a deep breath, step back maybe start uh referencing to something Krista said earlier, and that is, you know, focus on the one element that you can effect change in, and that is in yourself. I can't change everybody who writes me and and says nasty things about how wrong I am or whatever. I can't change them, but I can change the way I'm gonna react to them. And I find that my coping mechanism, and all I'm doing is giving you something anecdotal here, but my coping mechanism is to think about how frustrating I have to be for God on occasion. My best example is that I could stand in church on a Sunday with the rest of the congregation and confess my sins and to to vow to to not go out and do that anymore. And sometimes I can't even get out of the pew before I've already begun violating it. And uh we do that all the time, and then God comes back next week and says, I still forgive. Understanding that we're called to glorify God in all things has a way of getting us past heartache that you otherwise wouldn't get past. Because when you let heartache affect you, it builds resentment, it builds anger, and uh there's just no good that comes from it. It has a a very natural trajectory that that is harmful. I know people who can be wonderfully cheery even against the harsh harshest circumstance, and yet they're not naive. They just have determined for themselves I'm not going to allow it to affect me. And they have taken control of the one thing they can control. So my my conclusion and all that is I'm still wrestling to control me. But and that's how you see it.

Boundaries That Help At Work

SPEAKER_01 27:50

How can setting good boundaries be not just healthy, but also advantageous in our jobs?

SPEAKER_00 27:57

Aaron Powell This is again one of the those things that you tend to think, oh well, if if I can always be you know making everybody happy, you know, that's gonna be really good, right? Not necessarily. Management often has more respect for the employee who maintains boundaries with their time, with their responsibilities and such, than for the one who does everything for everyone, who stays late every time he's asked just because they're asked and things like that. Management looks and says, okay, well, that's somebody who doesn't know how to say no, so uh and always says yes, so I don't know that we can trust that person to manage X, Y, or Z the same way. They're more likely to say, well, that person over there, he's he's got the guts to say say no. And she is more focused on what we actually pay her to do instead of helping with that other person who's always looking for for a way to slack off. Another thing is that if you become indispensable at your job because you do everything or you do everyone else's jobs, you're probably less likely to get promoted because management wants you just where you are. Um, that's another practical aspect there. But uh the one that's probably I've had to learn the hard way numerous times is that if you say yes to everything, you know, that if you're oh yeah, sure, I can do that. Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I think I'll do that. Yeah. Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Oh, I got this great plan. Um the rest of your work suffers because there's only so much of you to go around. You've only got so much energy, so much attention, so much uh creativity or whatever. And the more you subdivide that into all these different things, the less you're able to focus on what is actually your core responsibility. And that's something that can be hard to remember. And that's again a matter of setting those boundaries for yourself. And it's not just to your advantage in that case, it's it's an advantage to whomever your employer is.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

And we often talk about bandwidth. Everyone has a certain amount of bandwidth. There's a certain amount that each of us have that has that we can accomplish. And your entire life really is stewardship of allocating resources to the areas of your bandwidth uh that glorify God and and how you choose to do that. Then when you when you overdo in a certain area, that means you're probably underdoing in another area because you've exceeded your bandwidth. So something has to give. And uh so it's good uh again, you know, the the most well-adjusted people I know are on top of the world and they they really they understand who they are, who they are in relationship to God, who they are in relationship to their employer and to their acquaintances and so forth. And when they do say, uh, I can't get that done until Friday, you understand that they probably made a really good judgment because their entire life looks so structured and organized that they could do that.

Listener Questions And Closing

SPEAKER_02 30:51

It just makes people like me envious.

SPEAKER_01 30:54

Well, Jeff, you said it right away at the beginning, too, we have only touched the surface of this. This is all we have time for for today, but there's definitely a lot more that we could talk about on this subject too.

SPEAKER_00 31:08

Yeah, and if any of our listeners have something very specific, you know, that they'd like explored with regard to this topic, please let us know what that is.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Yeah. All right, that sounds great. Yes. Um, if anybody has any questions on this or um advice on how to carry this discussion further, please reach out to us at lifechallenges.us and we'll see you back next time. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

Thank you for joining us for the Life Challenges Podcast of Christian Life Resources. Please consider subscribing to this podcast, giving us a review wherever you access it, and sharing it with friends. We're here to help. So if you have questions on today's topic or other life issues, you can submit them as well as comments or suggestions for future episodes at lifechallenges.us, or email us to podcast at ChristianLiferesources.com. You can find past episodes and other valuable information at lifechallenges.us, so please check it out. For more about our parent organization, please visit Christianliferesources.com. May God give you wisdom, love, strength, and peace in Christ for every life challenge.