Have you been guilty of Professing? It's the glossary term for this episode, and it describes behavior that many of us have embraced at some point in our dating lives, that Hollywood has glamorized but turns out to be creepy in reality.
Following the glossary segment, Paul discusses some dating and relationship takeaways from the movie, All I Wish. Here we see that time can heal a rough start and change our attitude about relationships for the better.
In the Potpourri Segment, Paul reviews Dating Truths 11-15. Outlining the necessary skills one can quickly master by first putting maximum effort into their profile pictures and written profile. Also, why "One and Done" will be a regular part of your online dates as you endure the learning process.
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Episode 18 - Dating Truths: Part 3
Paul Nelson: Midlife Dating Podcast Episode 18. Dating Truths Part Three.
Many of us guys and gals, but especially the guys who've been guilty of putting the cart before the horse when it comes to dating. Therefore, our dating relationship term for this episode is "Professing." The act of Professing all but ensures things will come to a halt before they even get much of a chance to get started.
It's very common to go through extended periods of time where dating seems to go nowhere, and we basically give up. Our movie review for this episode. All I Wish, released in 2017, looks at a relationship that took a few years to develop. It also reminds us of how our attitude towards a relationship can change when we meet that right guy or gal.
In the Potpourri segment, I'm going to be covering Dating Truths Part 3. A continuing look at the truths that emerged and repeated themselves, patterns, and behaviors, if you will, I began to pick up on when I started dating again back in my early fifties. In this episode, I'll cover the Reader's Digest version of the skill set Boomers and Gen Xers need to master being successful in online dating.
We'll also take a brief look at online dating by the numbers and how often you should expect those meetups to be one and done.
By the end of this episode, you'll be able to begin to identify where your dating strong points are and where you need to start focusing on improving. We'll also get some positive cinematic reinforcement that not only can Boomers and Gen Xers find love again, but their attitudes towards relationships can also evolve for the better, and we'll also see if you've been painfully guilty of Professing in the past.
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Paul Nelson: Professing. An irrevocable act committed early in a dating relationship that demonstrates a lack of self-control and romantic awareness.
This is often performed by men, especially nice guys who prematurely declare their love for a woman they are dating or are friends with. When dating, early professing takes place within two to five dates, or shortly after the couple becomes intimate, or when a man and a woman are friends, the man will profess his secretly kept love for her in order to demonstrate that he is worthy of an intimate relationship. Professing, while commonly shown by Hollywood as being successful in winning women over, is, in reality, very creepy and has the complete opposite effect.
Paul Nelson: So I'm reviewing All I Wish, which was released in 2017. It's also been released under the title "A Little Something for Your Birthday." And this is a movie about the character Senna, an aspiring fashion designer in her late forties, played by Sharon Stone. She hasn't found success in either her profession or her love life.
As a result, she's developed a cynical yet lighthearted outlook on life, and she doesn't expect much future success. The movie takes place over a series of one-year increments that occur on Senna's birthday. Senna slowly overcomes obstacles and begins to do well in her business.
She also meets Adam, played by Tony Goldwin, a lawyer who just transferred from Boston to Los Angeles. Their initial meeting is a complete disaster, but the pair crosses paths on more birthdays, and time works its healing magic. Because of her attraction to Adam, Senna's relationship mindset changes, causing confusion between the two characters.
So what's the Midlife Dating Podcast take on this? I like this movie because of the quality acting, solid production value, and good humor. It's positive, and it moves at a decent pace. I also like that the characters are in the 50-Dater age group. This movie acts as a reminder that some of us are late bloomers in finding love.
Senna finds it when she least expects it. She also finds business success because she perseveres. Many of us are at a point in our lives where we can leave our current career and pursue our own business passion. The movie reminds us that it's never too late to go after what you want. I especially like the karaoke scene, which is painful to watch, but in a very good way.
So why do we need to watch this? This movie demonstrates how our relationship goals can change with life experience. Gals, you can find Mr. Right, but you've got to put yourself out there. If Senna just stayed at home on her birthdays, she would've never met Adam. Guys can learn a few things about confidence from Adam.
Tony Goldwin, at around 56 years of age when this movie was shot, Is in excellent shape. It shows what is possible if you put some effort into getting healthy and living in the moment. The character Adam conducts himself pretty well under most circumstances, except when he loses patience with Senna. Character is revealed when you make plans, and they don't work. Adam should have just continued to date Senna and let things fall into place. Patience is key.
Paul Nelson: Dating Truths 11 through 15
Dating Truth number 11. Successful dating in today's online dating world requires mastering 11 Skill Sets. And I'll just briefly describe each skill set here.
Skill Set Number One. Great pictures. Simply put, you will fail without great photos, especially the guys. Photos are the gatekeeper, and you will not get past the gate without great photos. Your profile needs to contain five or six current photos, not photos that were taken ten years ago. You'll need a professional photographer's help to get at least two quality photographs. Use a photographer that specializes in online dating profile pictures. Your pictures are going to need to show how you will look when you show up for the date. You need to set aside $300 in your budget to have this done. If you don't get professional help on your photos, then you're not serious.
Skill Set Number Two. An Excellent Written Profile. You will have to learn to say more with less. Some profiles on dating apps only allow between 300 and 600 characters. That's not words—300 to 600 characters. Get a professional to help you write your profile for online dating.
Many people employ the service of professionals to write resumes when they're looking for a job or for their LinkedIn profile. You'll need to do the same for your dating profile. The professionals will tailor your profile to the app that you plan to use. You need to set aside $100 or $200 in your budget to do this.
If you start out with a great written profile and great pictures, the rest of the skill sets I'm going to be going over will be easy to master, just simply by improving 1% at a time on each one. Otherwise, you'll be permanently struggling.
Skill Set Number Three. Understanding how to write messages. For the guys, this is all about understanding how to start a conversation, and for the gals, it's all about understanding how to make it easy for the men to write you messages.
Skill Set Number Four. Learning when to move it to a phone call. Now for the guys, this is a crucial step where we take the lead. Men need to learn when to ask for the phone call. And in the 3-1-1 Rule, we have here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we ask for the phone call by the third message exchange. For the gals, this is about understanding how to quickly lead the guy into calling you.
Skill Set Number Five. Making the call and understanding proper phone etiquette. Men, this is about scheduling and making the call. For the gals, it's about being available for the scheduled call. Both guys and gals need to understand that what you talk about on the call is different from what you talk about on the meetup date. It's important to keep calls short to about 30 to 45 minutes. We do that because the longer a phone call goes, the more likely it is you're gonna stick your foot in your mouth and say something stupid.
Skill Set Number Six. Setting up date logistics. Guys. Schedule the date and pick a good public location. Gals, tell him when you are available to meet.
Skill Set Number Seven. Showing up for the date. Guys arrive early and get a good place to sit. Gals, please don't get cold feet and cancel at the last minute. I'd say about 30 to 50% of the scheduled dates in our age group get canceled anywhere between the last moment and two to three hours before the date takes place.
Skill Set Number Eight, appropriately dressing for the date. About 90% of guys need professional help with this, and that's an entire podcast on its own addressing that subject. But for the gals, they gals generally don't have a problem here, but I have had several meetup updates where the women showed up dressed like they didn't care.
Skill Set Number Nine. Knowing proper and tasteful conversation topics. It's not so much what you talk about, it's what you want to avoid, and you want to avoid the topics of religion, politics, and Xes.
Skill Set Number 10. Knowing when to end the date. Keep dates short, about 90 minutes is the target, and like I said earlier on the phone call, skill set. We keep them short to avoid sticking our foot in our mouth. The longer a date goes, the more likely it is you're gonna say something stupid.
Skill Set Number 11. Arranging the follow-up date. Guys, this is about learning when to ask for the next date. And for the gals, same with the phone call. Letting him know when you are available for the date makes things real easy for both of you.
Let's get back to the Truths here.
Dating truth number 12. We all have baggage from our past to some degree. Your goal is to get your act together enough so that your baggage stays in the carry-on variety.
Dating truth number 13. Online dating is a numbers game. Sad to say, but it honestly is. To find one or maybe two people with good dating possibilities will take ten different meetup updates. If you diligently search and stick to a plan of two or three meetup dates per month. About every three months or so, you'll run across one high-quality relationship-caliber guy or gal. But be aware that if you've been out of the dating game for an extended period of time, you will likely fail on dates with high-quality guys and gals. You'll fail anywhere between the first meetup and the first three dates in. You'll know this once you get dumped or are ghosted,
This will happen because you're not prepared for a man or woman of this quality level. The letdown's gonna burn, and you're gonna want to quit. All your shortcomings will be quickly exposed, but the good thing is you will now know where you need to improve. The bad thing is this cycle will repeat, and it can be extremely cruel and disparaging as you grow through it, but you have to stick with it.
Dating Truth Number 14. Many of your initial meetups will be one-and-done. Both guys and gals need to be aware that the person you are sitting across from on this first meetup date you'll likely never see again.
Once you understand this, it's easier to accept making mistakes and be more at ease with yourself. Conversations at this point will get easier for you to start and will flow much better. You'll be surprised at what you can learn about yourself and others from each one and done meetup that seems to go nowhere. Once you learn where your shortcomings are, you can start to improve on them.
Dating Truth Number 15. Disappointment will be your constant companion the majority of the time. Gird your loins and stay the course. Disappointment is where you learn a lot about yourself. If you hang in there, you will eventually get rewarded.
Paul Nelson: In our retro segment, I've got a fitting audio clip from the Coronet Instructional Film series, this one titled "Developing Self-Reliance." This one goes back to 1950, and it relates to the Dating Truths, Specifically Truth Number 11, where we have to learn to take responsibility to master some of the skill sets necessary to become a better dater.
Let's have a listen .
Mr. Carson: And that's what can happen when you don't learn self-reliance.
Alan: Mr. Carson, are you trying to tell me that I'm not self-reliant?
Mr. Carson: Why, Alan? I didn't say anything about you, but I find it often helps to paint that picture for students like you, who come to me complaining that they don't feel they're accomplishing much. A little dose of self-reliance can do wonders. Any one of us could use a bit more than we have.
Alan: All right, Mr. Carson, I think I understand. Just how do you become self-reliant?
Mr. Carson: Oh, you want a quick, easy formula, eh? I'm afraid there isn't any. Learning to be self-reliant takes time and hard work.
Alan: It takes self-reliance eh, Mr. Carson?
Mr. Carson: It almost does. Here. This card may interest you. These are the steps to self-reliance as I see them.
Alan: Assume responsibility. Be informed. Know where you're going. Make your own decisions. I'm not sure I understand.
Mr. Carson: Well, let's figure them out together. Sit down.
First, assume responsibility. What do you suppose that means?
Alan: Well, assume responsibility. That means to take the blame for things that are my fault.
Mr. Carson: Aha, looking after your own schoolwork, planning your own time, depending upon yourself to be on time.
Alan: On time. Boy, I'd better assume responsibility for getting to my next class on time.
Mr. Carson: And Alan, why don't you assume the responsibility for figuring out what those other steps mean?
Alan: Yeah, I will. That's a good idea. Thanks, Mr. Carson.
Mr. Carson: Hard work to become self-reliant, but these are the steps. Assume responsibility. Be informed. Know where you are going. Make your own decisions. Alan learned to do it, and he's certainly a happier and a better person for it.
Will you develop the habit of self-reliance?
Paul Nelson: In this audio clip, advice that's over 70 years old, given to us during our grade school days, still holds true. This advice is something that many Boomers and Gen Xers need a refresher on when it comes to being successful in online dating. It pertains to the skill sets you must master to find a great guy or gal.
So let's take a look at those steps to Self-reliance.
Self-reliance step number one. Assume Responsibility. You do that by getting your profile pictures professionally taken and your profile professionally written.
Let me comment that poor profile pictures are the number one reason people fail and become deeply frustrated with online dating. However, professional photographers can make the most photogenic challenged people look great.
And why is this? Because the photographers understand how to use lighting, background colors, camera angles, and more. Also, know that a well-written dating profile makes starting a conversation very easy.
Self-reliance step number two. Be Informed. Well, that's simple. Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, we'll keep you up-to-date and informed on how to make online dating work for you and keep the fire burning after you meet that special someone. All you have to do is just keep listening to the podcast.
Self-reliance step number three. Know where You're Going. Have a dating plan and show up to the dates. Don't get cold feet, and know what you're looking for in a guy or a gal.
Self-reliance. Step number four. Make Your Own Decisions. Proceed with online dating because you want to, not because your friends or your kids want you to.
Paul Nelson: Here at the Midlife Dating Podcast, it's all about providing as much value as possible For our listeners, please message me at firstname.lastname@example.org. The email address will be in the show notes if you have any topics you'd like me to cover or have some general questions or comments.
So what were some of the lessons we learned today?
To begin with, you're gonna hear me repeat this over and over in upcoming episodes, but quality photographs are the key to making online dating work for you.
We also have an overview of the process and events that need to take place for you to get in front of that guy or gal that you want to meet.
Additionally, we learned that one-and-done meetup dates are very common, even for successful, experienced daters.
Paul Nelson: Let me close this out with a little bit of dating humor, and it goes like this:
That tingly feeling you get when you meet someone you're really attracted to. That's common sense leaving your body.
Okay, guys and gals, it's been fun, and I look forward to being with you on the next episode to take your dating experience from a bust to a best, and that's a really good place to be.