Reclaiming Your Power: From Being Their Problem to Becoming Your Own Peace| Lesley's Lessons Podcast 🌟

 Reclaiming Your Power: From Being Their Problem to Becoming Your Own Peace
How to Set Boundaries, Reclaim Your Energy, and Transform Your Relationships by Prioritizing Your Own Needs

Are you like me, always giving too much of yourself and ending up feeling drained and unappreciated? In this episode, I dive into how we can stop being other people’s problems and start prioritizing our well-being. I’ll share how setting clear boundaries, protecting your energy, and putting yourself first can be done without guilt. Together, we’ll explore actionable steps to confidently navigate relationships and life, ensuring that our love and care are valued and reciprocated. It’s time for us to reclaim our power and make ourselves the priority.

Chapters

• 0:01 Navigating Boundaries in Relationships
• 19:45 Establishing Healthy Relationship Boundaries
• 39:31 Unleashing Your Inner Power

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Leslie's Lessons. You know the song you down with OPP yeah, you know me Well and it's supposed to stand for other people's property. But I guess, if you, you know, use your imagination, you can call it something else. But I was just thinking. You know, I work in the food service industry. That's how I pay my bills. But it just seems like either you're married or you're in a situationship, or there's even a mental entanglement where you're not having sex. No one has said anything to you directly, but you know what is implied.

Speaker 1: 0:47

And this podcast is about not being other people's problem. You know you don't want to be in other people's way and you don't want them to be in your way. You might say, well, is that other people's problem or their solution? No, because at first it feels like a solution. You know I'm not sleeping with you. You didn't say was right if you weren't living with this person, if you weren't working here, what have you? For whatever reason, we didn't move forward.

Speaker 1: 1:34

But you can tell there is interest there. You can tell there is chemistry there and you're human. You might fight it off at first, or maybe not. Maybe you just say, hey, I'm not hurting anyone, it's not my problem, I have nothing to do with that. And people who say it's not my problem, I have nothing to do with that, they're really the person who's making the big problem. Because you take no responsibility. Problem because you take no responsibility, no accountability. You just say, hey, I'm going to close my eyes to this. I see what you have going on, I see the possibility of conflict, but hey, I didn't tell you to pursue me, I didn't tell you to have dreams and, you know, want to be with me. Say what you do, do what you do. Make me feel special in your own way. It's not my fault, okay. Well, if you get an STD and you have to take medication for the rest of your life or something like that rest of your life or something like that, are you going to just leave it like that and just tell your partners, hey, it's not my fault, yeah, in a sense. Okay, at some point, if you have to take medication, you have to take care of it, right?

Speaker 1: 2:57

So, whether or not you are connected sexually, if you know, you are a third wheel of any situation and maybe there is no other relationship, maybe this person is single, and single for a very good reason that they might not accept, they might not realize. Maybe they're just not a good partner and they latch on to you because they can tell you are inspiring. You help take them out of the ditch. You help them to see the light. When they're around you they feel invincible, they feel like they can do anything. But for some reason you don't feel that same thing. You don't get the inspiring you know feeling in return. You don't get their support. They don't really. They don't really stand up for you. They don't really. They don't really stand up for you. They don't really make an effort.

Speaker 1: 4:07

But here you are just naturally giving this person this love, this light, this boost, and they feel great. But you're not feeling great. You're feeling worn out at times, you're feeling exhausted. At times You're feeling neglected. They can't seem to understand what's your problem. I never promised you anything. I never said anything to you. Why can't we continue what we have going on? Or I said something to you, but you know what it was. So I'm telling you your love and your big heart is not a problem. It's you not conditioning how that love and big heart is dispersed is the problem.

Speaker 1: 5:08

People will take it. It's like if you go to Costco's and they're giving out samples. I'm going to take it, it's free. And here you are in Costco's of life. Here's my heart, here's my heart, here's my you know, boosts my affirmations. Here's my free massage, my attention, you know. Here I am, here, I am available, here, I am giving this to you, here, I am checking up on you for free.

Speaker 1: 5:37

And you might say, well, well, you know, what do you want me to do? You want me to be cold hearted. I don't want to play a game. I'm too old to play games. That's for kids and everything. It's not about playing the game, it's about setting up a structure, a foundation. It might not be a popular thing, you know, and some people might think what's up with this person? What's up her? You know behind, or whatever?

Speaker 1: 6:04

No, it's called the standards and, believe it or not, a lot of people are afraid to have them, they're afraid to set them and when they realize, oh my gosh, this is a hot mess, I'm going to put my foot down. Now it's too late. Now they don't take you seriously because you did everything already. They don't take you seriously because you did everything already and now, every time you try to uphold your standards, they test you and you start to wobble in the knees and you give in because you don't want to lose the person, even though it's not the best situation. You don't want to lose the person because you know at the beginning you didn't set standards, everything was okay. We were just going with the flow. I didn't say this, you didn't say that, I didn't want it to stop. They didn't want it to stop, so we continued and we pick up where we left off.

Speaker 1: 7:00

No one wants to rock the boat. No one wants to be called annoying. No one wants to rock the boat. No one wants to be called annoying. No one wants to be called pushy. No one wants to be called controlling. Everyone wants to be liked.

Speaker 1: 7:11

They don't want to be that person that's talked about. They don't want to be the person that is crying over heartache or sad or single. What's wrong with that person? And I never understood that. And it's like why is being single like a punishment? Why do you get to read off the list like oh, it's got to be them. They're too difficult. Maybe they have standards, maybe they dip their foot in every once in a while and then they remind themselves oh yeah, that's why I don't do that. That's why I don't give in to you. That's why I didn't call you again. Because, yeah, I remember that situation with someone else and I promised myself I'm not doing it again.

Speaker 1: 8:05

I recognize the signs. I remember that situation with someone else and I promised myself I'm not doing it again. I recognize the signs, I recognize you know what this is really about and I'm not interested. You're good to look at, you know, but I'm not interested and I'm looking for something long term. And when you have goals, you know. The same with career, the same you know with finances. You know when you have a goal in mind, it's not about setting unrealistic standards. It is a great thing to have a goal. Does life happen? Yes, but there's something about setting a standard, looking forward to something, not setting the bar where no one can reach, but just setting a goal. Even if you just say you know, I want to be with someone for a year, you know I just want to get to know someone, be exclusive, have that relationship for a year and re-evaluate after that. So yeah, you want a committed relationship. You know, be more in the now.

Speaker 1: 9:17

I've definitely felt the frustration at points here. I am wanting a certain goal and it doesn't look like it at all. Talking to this person and assessing the situation, this is going to be like five years in the making. Why is it such a slow process with you? Is it really a slow process or there's something about this connection you don't feel sold on, you don't feel secure about, or maybe you don't feel secure within yourself. Maybe you feel I will change my mind once I really get to know you. Maybe I won't be turned on once I get closer to you. And sometimes that's what it is.

Speaker 1: 10:12

Sometimes, you know, people might not admit that they portray themselves a certain way, but deep down they're a terrified individual who lacks confidence. They want that comfort from a strong person. They want that comfort. They like what you have to offer and they want that in their life. But they can't guarantee that they can give that back to you because they don't really have it for themselves. But they're attracted to your confidence. They're attracted to your strong foundation. They're attracted to what makes you.

Speaker 1: 10:51

You Forget about what I can really give you later on. I just really want to start this with you now and we can't do that. It really doesn't even matter what age you are. It's about the mindset. If you have goals and you want to accomplish them, you need to be with someone who matches you, who compliments you. I swear to you who we are. We mirror the type of person that comes in our lives. If you really really reflect that person, you know whether it be financial, physical attraction, just life's issues you will see that you are in the direct.

Speaker 1: 11:44

You match each other perfectly, whether it's in a negative way, a positive way. You know you're having family problems, they're having family problems. You have an addiction problem, they have an addiction problem. You lack confidence when it comes to relationships, they lack confidence when it comes to relationships. So I'm definitely all about seeing both sides, but you can't see both sides all the time in a relationship. It has to be both of you involved, because if you go into any situation, well, I could see how they might take it that way. I could see they may need more time and then all of a sudden it's more time and more time.

Speaker 1: 12:32

Now it's, you know, it's more distance, it's more elusiveness, and all of this began by not setting up structure, any boundaries or really being forthcoming, and you might have said what you really want and you notice what they said didn't match or their actions. Something didn't align with what they're saying and doing. But you proceed anyway. We were together last week. What do you want me to do? Just cut it off. You know, our chemistry is off the chain. Like, what am I supposed to do? Let someone else get that If I don't keep my date on Saturday night, they might be with someone else Saturday night. That starts to play a part Quietly in your mind the fear. But the fear really comes from what you didn't do in the beginning and this is not about well, let me blame you, let me make you feel terrible. It's everything is your fault. Get that mentality out of your mind. This is just about making strong choices from the beginning that honor yourself, honor your goals. This is not about talking down to people or coming across holier with the self-love.

Speaker 1: 14:20

You know, sometimes we get into unnecessary arguments because of our deliveries and our tone and how. You know just how we say things. Sometimes you don't really have to get into it with the person Because they either will morph into that person to give you what you want or put you in a category and just take it anyway. I think they should tell you what they want, you know, don't be so detailed. Show flexibility. Flexibility, but also be firm on what are non-negotiables. Honestly, I don't even know if sex should even be a topic. Yeah, we know they want it, you you might want it, that's okay, but I don't even know if it should be a topic. If they walk out and they don't call you back, I really want you to know that that is not a bad thing. That really is not a bad thing.

Speaker 1: 15:52

Sometimes, the best situations are the ones that people take the initiative and leave. Let them leave. Let them leave. Let them decide. This is going to be too much work. Good for you. Now you don't have to worry about this connection. They excused themselves.

Speaker 1: 16:20

You know we're in a day and age where there's so many options, there's so many options, there's so many options, and it's really about doing your self-care due diligence. That's why it's like I don't want you to beat yourself up or judge yourself for anything you decide to do, because we are living in a time where you could be anything, you can have anything, you can date anything, anyone, and sometimes people are not honest. So don't beat yourself up. It's what about you are honest about with yourself. There's no rule book that says they need to know where you live. There's no rule book that says they need to see pictures of your family, your social media account. You know there's no rule book and there's no guarantee they can know these things and still fuck you over.

Speaker 1: 17:44

And sometimes there are people who do that five years later. They're in it for the long term. There are people who will fuck you over within three to six months. Then there's people a year, two years. Then there's people three years. Then there's people was like well, it's too late. Now it's been 10, 10 years, plus two kids. What do you want me to do? And um, but there will always be signs, even if they're subtle. Or it's like one huge mess. But you're like well, you know, for the past several years it's been quiet. Am I going to leave? For one huge mess Depends on a mess, depends on the door you're willing to open. So there's short-term other people's problems and then there's long-term other people's problems. Do you want to be a third wheel? Do you want to be someone that you know well, you're their solution? I should really call this other people's solution, but I don't know. Other people's problem really ties in. You take it on. You take on their burden, you take on their pain. You know you grew up in a time where being the backbone and doing more than being appreciated was a flex and it's not.

Speaker 1: 19:45

I remember when I went to a funeral and, um, they, they spoke about someone that I knew through marriage. You know we were related through marriage and laws and you know someone said that she always put herself last. And I remember just to myself, like, and I would, you know, I didn't really look at other people's faces, but for me it just stood out to me. And then in the speech, the lady who gave the eulogy, she felt horrible because she called her on her deathbed and the person said, can she call her back? She was like in a meeting or something and she didn't tell her why. She just said, okay, she'll talk to her soon or something, or whatever. I didn't remember that part, but it was subtle and to me it was just sad that person didn't stop what they had to do to talk to them. They didn't pick up one. She wasn't sounding the same, but at least she picked up the phone, you know, but it was just.

Speaker 1: 21:28

I mean, I know that'll be for another podcast about loss and the end of life, the end of life, um, but I think I named this other people's problems because and I and I'm talking about that is because, after a while, they have a way of flipping things on you all of of a sudden. At first you were their priority, you were their peace, and then you became their problem Once you started creating boundaries, once you started asserting yourself, once you started saying you know, not being available, disappearing sometimes, and you became that person's problem because you no longer were allowing someone to dictate your life. To have any part of your time is precious, with no regard to your feelings or having a future with you. It's disrespectful to you, it's disregarding you. So you went from other people's peace, other people's priority, to other people's problem, because you no longer decided to put yourself last. You decided to put yourself first.

Speaker 1: 23:30

So what do we do to get out of this? It will be hard. It will be hard because this person has to relearn who you are now and, honestly, I don't know if it will work. You came into the situation, the relationship, a certain way and now, all of a sudden, you're asking for timelines, you're holding them accountable, you're matching their energy. This is not how it was before You're out and about putting yourself first, doing putting myself first activities, and this is not for the weak. Most people try to break even. I'm going to be a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and while being extreme in anything can be risky, it's about just being good to yourself, daily, expeditiously. You have to, because if not, you'll have people coming to you from different angles in different ways trying again and as you start to put yourself first and start to see yourself as a priority, because you have to.

Speaker 1: 25:12

It's not about being nasty, it's not about being mean. This is about treating yourself a certain way by your actions, so people will know what they can no longer do and what they can't do. Period to you. It is not about walking around and preaching to people hey, I love myself and you can't do that to me. Oh boo-hoo, someone will try you in three seconds. But if you are consistent and you do it without preaching, you just do it, you just show it with your actions, I promise you they will follow.

Speaker 1: 25:55

But you must be consistent because, especially when someone's interested in you, they're going to look for the cracks. Yeah, they're asking you certain questions, but they're watching your actions. They're asking you what makes you happy or whatever, but they're watching what you will tolerate. They're watching how you handle disrespect, neglect. Do you just call them back? Do you just, you know, speak to them and gloss over it? You are only other people's problems when they can't control you.

Speaker 1: 26:42

You need to be your own prize, your own piece, your own priority, because when you are, people will have no choice but to treat you and meet you where you are. People will have no choice but to treat you and meet you where you are. Of course you have to watch out for the people who think, oh, this is a fun challenge. I'll break her down, you know, I'll find what makes her tick, what her weaknesses are, and get her on my team. There are people like that, but once you are consistent with who you are, those people won't even come close because they know they can't get away with it. So they have to go to the next person you deserve. You just deserve the best. You know you deserve to be valued, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be cherished, and sometimes that comes only from you. In a lifetime, you might not have a partner. You might have friends. You might have a lifetime. You might not have a partner, you might have friends, you might have a community, and sometimes that's the best thing.

Speaker 1: 28:11

Society tries to make us feel so bad. If we're not booed up, if we don't have a fiance especially, then they, you know, drowned us with these Christmas shows on Hallmark and show this is what your life should look like. And if it doesn't look like this, we're going to show you movies of what that single person looks like. We're going to make them attractive. We're going to make them have money. We're going to make them be frustrated, opinionated, difficult, and then they're going to need someone and show they do need this person to come into their life and make them better. While a union is beautiful and it is special and everyone deserves it, I don't want you to punish yourself if you do not have it.

Speaker 1: 29:11

Have fun, show your fun side and when it comes to someone of interest, don't be afraid to say what you want, but honestly, just have fun. Insist on getting to know the person. Like what if we just didn't get into all the details? Wait, are you married? Are you living with anyone? No, in any situation. Well, you know, we're all in the process of. You know we're in the process of her moving out, him moving out. No, thank you, move on. We want a blank canvas of someone who is single, you know, and it doesn't have to be a nasty conversation or anything like that. You could just give them a number and block them on with it. You know there's nothing invested there. Nowadays there's some spooky people who can't take rejection. So sometimes we do have to do that, unfortunately, because people just don't know how to walk away sometimes. And you know, you just have fun. You just have fun.

Speaker 1: 30:26

Get to know the person. Go on a nice, innocent date, watch your drinks. Make sure no one brings you a drink. Keep your eye out on that. Keep your eye out on things where it can get a little dicey, and have fun. Talk for hours. Get to know the person, see what they're about. They'll tell you. They will tell you. They'll tell you what they're into. They will try to test you and see if you would be into it and if that's not your thing, don't call them back. So avoid giving too much information and just get to know the person.

Speaker 1: 31:12

Now, if you meet them on social media, that's something a little bit different and just have fun. But if you're not ready for any children or you don't want kids, you're past that or whatever. You already know what not to do. You might say, well, I want comfort, I want company. Okay, get a hug, but don't do anything. You can't afford to live without the next day. Don't give anything. You can't afford to walk away from that. You're not gonna get anymore from this person. If you like the way they kiss, if you like the way they touched you, whatever, and you know you would get attached to that, don't do it. Stay in the fun, platonic way. See how that goes as time goes forward. Yeah, I enjoyed myself.

Speaker 1: 32:14

You want to go to a movie? Absolutely not. You know what happens in a movie. Just keep it daytime, get to know the person. Or on the phone, just something where you can't get into a compromising position and you're really trying to get to know them. Because the moment you end up on that couch or where there's a bed and you have chemistry, it's a wrap. So we don't do beds, we don't do couches, it's a wrap. So we can have fun activities, places where there's you know it's in the public and get to know the person.

Speaker 1: 32:55

But soon, throughout the conversation, let's see if we even match on the base level. Are you single? Okay, that's good, so am I. What are you looking for? Are you looking for a relationship or to hang out? Now, you know that you're firm and if they're, well, I just want to wait and see. No, we're not doing that. Maybe if we were in high school, maybe, you know, if we were just exploring life and we're trying to get our feet wet, yeah, mr, wait and see Bye, bye. Or, miss, wait and see Bye, bye. They wait and see Bye, bye. No, no, wait and see Bye-bye. They wait and see Bye-bye.

Speaker 1: 33:44

No, no, especially because it has to match with what are your non-negotiables and we don't have to, you know, slam down the gavel of what we want. It's just, you know it can end in a nice way, you know. But you know for yourself, this is not going to work. Don't waste your time, Just don't do it. Let them waste someone else's time. Even check out the way they order. Are they ordering with confidence? Are they waiting for you to do everything? Do they initiate any little physical touch, like the small of your back, anything showing any interest that you deem respectful? It's still okay, you know, because that lets you know, okay, this person's love language is touch. All right, they're affectionate. These subtle things you have to keep in mind.

Speaker 1: 34:44

People are just on their best behavior. They are interviewing you. Just like how you're interviewing them, you're assessing each other and sometimes that can go lightning fast. I don't care, I'm attracted to them, let's go lightning fast. I don't care, I'm attracted to them, let's go. And if you know you want more, we have to. You know we have to tread lightly. You have to tread lightly in certain things while getting to know them. And it's and this, this area, area, this time is very important because when we fast forward to three months, where it's a little shaky, or six months, it's a little shaky, um, the holidays, it starts to get a little quiet. Uh, the summertime, when there's weddings going around. You know, these are signals. These are signals.

Speaker 1: 35:48

Do your research, do your due diligence to see if this is even worth the emotional you know investment that it will be as well as physical investment, because that's what it is it's an investment. Or do you want to cash out? It's up to you. So I hope when you listen to this, you really think about it, because I know they're so cute and so attractive and, oh my gosh, your friends and their friends or family or kids everyone meshes.

Speaker 1: 36:33

But it really starts with you. You have to be your own piece, your own priority, you know, and before you can be in someone else's life, because they will give you those things that you are not giving yourself. And then it flips and you wonder why? Because you didn't make yourself your own piece and priority and then you turned into other people's problems because now they have an advantage. They, they have you.

Speaker 1: 37:09

You went with the flow. You didn't, um, have any demands. You didn't want to be called a problem, a nag or anything. You wanted to kind of I hate to say water down your power because you didn't want to put anyone off. It's been a while. You want to hang out, and that's okay. You want to hang out, and that's okay, but for yourself, remember. You are a representative for yourself. This person doesn't know you. They will never put your needs before theirs, but you're such a nurturing person and strong enough you in your mind think we can share this. But that's not how it works, and when you reflect and look back at your relationships or situationships, it explains everything. Everything is laid out.

Speaker 1: 38:17

Don't be fixated on one image of happiness, on one image of a relationship. Be open-minded to the universe and be kind to yourself. You're probably doing much better than you think. You're probably in a better situation than you think. Someone out there is dying to be you, wanting your life, your problems. And here you are feeling terrible that someone didn't pick you. You know someone didn't see the potential in you and them and um, just try to be open to the world, try to be thankful and smile along the journey. You know, don't be stuck in the middle of the journey and be like well, I'm just going to stop here because this thing in life is not working and I just want to stop. No, do you want to get hit by a bus? You got to keep going.

Speaker 1: 39:31

Life doesn't stop for you. Someone passes away, it still goes, the male still comes to the house and they're gone in the physical sense. So don't think, because something hasn't happened in your life, that life is also stopping with you. It never stops. It never stops. Love doesn't stop. That means there's other opportunities out there finances, business opportunities Nothing ever stops.

Speaker 1: 40:08

So don't stop yourself and your thoughts. It's like an assembly line getting stuck and now everything's backed up because you're fixated on a solution for your problem that you deem a problem. It's not a problem. It just hasn't happened yet. It just hasn't happened in a way that has landed you longevity and successful results. Has landed you longevity and successful results, but even though it didn't work out, there was always something that you could have learned, something you could have taken from that, something it was showing you maybe a reflection of where you are in life or where you were at that time and moving forward.

Speaker 1: 40:56

What will we do differently? Better or not? Tolerate? Life gives us endless chances, but sometimes we look at it like karma or something out to get us. So shift your perspective a little bit and be open. It might just surprise you. This is your opportunity to be your peace. It starts with you and I promise you you will be surprised. You will be surprised by who you attract, who you attract, the opportunities that come to you and how you begin to see the world.

Speaker 1: 41:43

Remember, the world is just a reflection of your thoughts and, even if it doesn't all happen at once, you really have power that you're not tapping into. You really have power that you just have to tap into and take the time to believe that Breathe. Sometimes, life can be very hectic and go at a pace that is uncomfortable and something you can't control. Tap into yourself more. You are much more powerful than you believe and you are much more powerful to make decisions that manifest a life you truly desire. You have the power to create it. You just have to take it. You just have to take charge. Leslie's Lessons. You just have to take it. You just have to take charge.