Just Women Talking Shit
Just Women Talking Shit is your go-to self-help podcast for real talk on personal & spiritual growth. Hosted by Jacquelynn Cotten, personal evolution mentor & founder of Spiritual Support System, this podcast features juicy interviews with badass, one-of-a-kind women. We dive deep into the good 💩, bad 💩, weird 💩, & life 💩, offering insights & inspiration to help you live a more authentic, fulfilled life. Join us for relatable stories, expert advice, & practical tips on overcoming challenges, building resilience, & embracing your true self. Tune in & start your journey towards personal evolution today!
Just Women Talking Shit
Finding Your Inner Child with Ruth Tessema, LPC
What happens when we approach our emotional wounds with genuine curiosity instead of judgment? In this soul-stirring conversation with licensed therapist Ruth Tessema, we journey through the landscape of complex trauma and discover powerful paths toward healing and transformation.
Ruth, a trauma specialist whose work blends traditional therapy with holistic approaches like somatic healing and breathwork, shares profound insights about how our bodies store memories that our minds have forgotten. When Ruth reveals that her own work in school settings triggered her nervous system without her conscious awareness, we witness the mysterious ways trauma operates beneath the surface of our daily lives.
The conversation takes a deeply personal turn as we explore morning anxiety, vivid dreams, and physical symptoms of CPTSD. Ruth explains how the body's fight-or-flight responses continue long after traumatic experiences end, creating patterns that feel impossible to escape. Yet within this challenge lies remarkable hope—our neurological systems can be rewired through compassionate attention and consistent safety-building practices.
Perhaps most revealing is our exploration of blended family dynamics and how they can activate our deepest childhood wounds. When stepchildren trigger unexpected jealousy or resentment, it's often our own inner child crying out for nurturing. The breakthrough comes in recognizing these moments as opportunities for healing rather than sources of shame.
"What's familiar about this situation?" emerges as the golden question—a doorway into understanding our triggers through the lens of compassionate curiosity. By embracing both gentleness and firm boundaries with ourselves, we can parent the wounded parts that still live within us.
If you've ever felt overwhelmed by emotional responses that seem disproportionate, struggled with anxiety that hijacks your mornings, or found yourself reacting to loved ones in ways you don't understand, this conversation offers not just insight but a roadmap for transformation. Your capacity for healing isn't just possible—it's already wired within you, waiting to be awakened.
Follow Ruth on Instagram HERE.
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Follow Jacquelynn on Instagram HERE.
Follow Just Women Talking Shit on Instagram HERE.
A lot of the times it is like, okay, let's look in ourselves, like what is what is like? My favorite question to ask, like this realm of curiosity is what's familiar about this situation? You know, like is it? You know what's familiar about this? That's activating me. Where do I feel it in my body?
Speaker 1:I think it's really interesting, like when we feel things in our throat, you know, it's like I wasn't able to say something, or I want to say something and I can't, or I fear like being judged, or I was crying out and I wanted to say something and it wasn't heard, or I'm not seen. That's the heart space. It's like all that love but it's all pain, you know, and so I it's like, what is familiar about this? And I always have clients ask, like in any situation that's coming up, like so this happened at work or this happened when so-and-so said this.
Speaker 1:Well, it's familiar about that, you know, and we process it and we go down this curious rabbit hole of compassionate you know, compassionate curiosity and just asking like what are those unexpressed wounds, unexpressed parts of ourselves that couldn't quite feel like it could be out in the open, or it's exiled away in this castle so far away? And then something triggered it and protectors within our body is like, oh no, you're getting close, let's not, let's cover it up and blame this person, or like we're going to, you know, show up in this like judgment. It's about them, it's not about us, you know, but really sometimes it's kind of like the other way around too, and that's okay, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, you're in such a sunny day where you are and oh, your little dog.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is my. This is where I like spend all my time. I have some patio furniture and I live in Mississippi, so it like, even on a, even on a cold day, if I just bring like a heated blanket out, I'm good to go perfect, that is perfect.
Speaker 1:What's your dog's name?
Speaker 2:her name is Shiloh, come here. Shiloh, oh my goodness so cute, she's my, my little emotional support animal, for sure yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:She just popped up right when we started, right.
Speaker 2:Let me get my clothes. Yeah, she likes the attention, for sure. Well, how are you? I'm doing well.
Speaker 1:I'm doing well I'm, I'm excited for this. I also appreciate, like, yeah, the scheduling thing. I'm just like, oh my goodness, I think, because, uh, we wanted to do this like in November. Um, yeah, it was. It was a tough month. There was a lot happening in November, I'm sure everyone knows.
Speaker 2:I so feel that yeah felt awkwardly good. Oh, you know what it is. You know what it is. That's lotion. She's. Oh yeah, I'm like, why are we being so, oh so affectionate? Yeah, you smell like food. Oh yeah, so well, maybe. Maybe that's a good starting point for us, because I was reading the notes and you're an LPC you help people with wellness.
Speaker 1:I'm specialize in working with folks who have trauma history developmental trauma, some emotional injuries, depression, anxiety is kind of like something that comes with it. So that comes up a lot too Relationship, communication, boundaries, all that good stuff that comes with having some trauma and how the body stores all of that. So a lot of the work that I do is online, sometimes in person, and yeah, so I also have workshops. I host workshops around inner child work parts work, workshops around inner child work parts work, somatic healing, anxiety and also breath work and sound bath facilitator as well. So, yeah, it's a couple of things there, but like the modality is really just a holistic approach to mental health and wellness. You know decolonizing as much as I can and you know tending to the body, especially when it comes to complex trauma survivors, because I think a lot of it is like head heavy and so bottom up approaches and it's kind of getting, you know, pretty popular now, but it's just such a different way of working with people and working with the body first.
Speaker 2:So you mentioned the complex, the complexity. So CPTSD I didn't know what that was until I started on my own mental health journey, and you know. So I don't know how much you know about me, um, but my story is childhood neglect uh, left alone a lot, had to essentially raise my siblings. So domestic violence uh, lots of drug abuse around me, uh, physical, well, that is domestic violence, but physical abuse, uh, just not a fostering environment for, you know, a young, fragile mind, and so, uh, to this day, like this morning, even now, I have my good days. I'm still trying to figure out what is prompting those good days.
Speaker 2:But whenever I was trying to figure out, so let's say like, and I remember in 2019, um, in 2019, I remember waking up one morning and just feel I thought I was going to die because my I didn't know at the time my anxiety was so bad that it makes sure it was making my heart feel as if I was like it was going to like too fast, almost, and and then I was physically vomiting, my body was showing me, like you know, and so, anyway, this has been going on for several years of my life and I still deal with this. So I started trying to figure it out and I noticed that the times I get the most anxious, or it's like right before bed I don't want to go to bed, it's almost like I'm missing out on something, or I'm afraid to sleep because I don't enjoy sleep. My dreams are very vivid. I revisit a lot of like childhood memories and things that I guess, probably some of those core memories, some of that core trauma probably and I revisit that, I still revisit houses and I have super lucid dreams and. But the worst is waking up and the way I describe it to people and the way I've described it to my husband and we're figuring it out throughout the years, is that it makes sense. It makes sense, jacqueline One.
Speaker 2:You're a kid that's supposed to be getting sleep and going to school and you're like raising babies and staying up all night wondering where your parents are and then and then, when you wake up, either you're getting yelled at or there's a screaming child that you're worried about protecting, or like there are people in your house that shouldn't be there rummaging through things, and it's like no fucking wonder. So to this 35 years old Ruth, I still wake. I woke up this morning and I'm just and I my husband knows I just go into fetal position and I hum and it's just yeah. So, with that being said, that's how I found out about complex Um, and so we're saying that November was a really hard month. Uh, if you want to share that, go for it, or there was a lot going on. But what I find is that for some of us who have CPTSD, who have had really rough like upbringings, it's really hard that time of the year, like holidays.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It wasn't until my 30s that I really. It wasn't until I had a child of my own. I think that I started enjoying the holiday Because, ultimately, at least what I've found with my clients is that those who have the CPTSD um holidays are kind of a trigger because they weren't, they didn't feel loved, they felt alone. Yeah, anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts on everything that I just dumped on you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, not at all. Not a dumping like this is. Um, oh no, not at all. Not a dumping Like this is. Yeah, this I actually relate a lot to you and your story and we're the same age too and, you know, just like around 2019, which I was already working at that time too but I noticed like a complete burnout and I noticed a lot of the symptoms that I thought were, you know, dealt with.
Speaker 1:I think I did my work, I'm ready to go out in the world and stuff, and that is when it showed up for me the most, right before the pandemic. And then the pandemic in its own was just a nightmare I did. I forgot to mention I started out as a school counselor and so, interestingly enough, school was a triggering environment and as an elementary school counselor I am, you know, talking with these precious children and working with teachers and the parents and going in classrooms, and I didn't know it, my conscious awareness didn't know what was happening, but my body was like in alarm state almost all the time and it did get worse and worse. And when the pandemic hit and I was starting to work virtually and deliver these social, emotional lessons, that is when I felt better because I'm virtual and I'm not in the school, but I'm still working with the same kids and it was pretty jarring to know how much the body stores, how much is really hidden in the subconscious and how much how disconnected our body can be with you know, our thinking brain. You know, and like you were talking about going to bed, and that's a very common thing, like in my experience as well, and like clients that I see going to bed, our most vulnerable state, right, like we are supposed to be out for several hours.
Speaker 1:But if our bodies are still in this fight flight and because of the stored, whatever it may be, the pain, the trauma, the memories it's not going to want to rest and there's a lot of repatterning that needs to happen in a loving, compassionate way. And man, is it hard, and I know you know that too. It is hard work. It's always ongoing too. It doesn't really stop. The amazing piece of CPTSD I think there are many, to be honest.
Speaker 1:But one thing that I really hold dear to my heart is that a lot of this is rewirable, if that makes sense. It doesn't quite feel like we're ever going to get close to that point, but these small changes of building safety, like you're talking about, like your husband, just like holding you when you're having the high symptoms, right, like waking up whenever it is, like those elements of safety sprinkled throughout our day can really do so much to the nervous system as it repatterns and it creates safety in the body and hopefully connects the parts that are in this busy thinking, managing, protecting role, um, and then the body wanting to just shut things down or freeze up or yell or scream, um, kind of working together and so, um, yeah, it's, it's, it's something that can you know. Post-traumatic growth if you've ever heard that is such an amazing thing. Um's studies out there that show that.
Speaker 1:I can't remember where the study is from, but several studies that show that people who have suffered from PTSD, complex PTSD, and then have treatment plans, depending on I don't know like what they are, but mostly body-centered treatment plans can live happy, successful lives and actually even more successful than those who didn't even experience the traumas you know, compared to our peers who didn't have, you know, these type of developmental traumas growing up. So it's pretty fascinating. It's different from any other mental health disorder but, or like personality disorders, things like that. But yeah, that that's something that I, you know, really hold dear to my heart in my own journey. But yeah, I can go on about like some specific stories too, if you want, but I just want, I want to pause here for a sec. But man, like I do, I just want, but I just want, I want to pause here for a sec, but man, like I do.
Speaker 2:I just want to say, jacqueline, I relate a lot to your story, like a lot. Yeah, it's really weird how so it's. You know how hard it is to share your story in the beginning, right? Yeah, definitely it's so scary. And then I think just hearing you say something like I relate to that is so, in a sense, gratifying, because I have you know as a person, you feel alone for a long time, like so anyway, thank you, thank you for being here.
Speaker 1:Thank you for making this happen. Like I think I saw you on Instagram around the time that I was doing like a rage event, a sacred rage event. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, and I saw some of your posts and I was like this is like I don't know. The algorithm is algorithming. I love it.
Speaker 2:Can I tell you what it was? Yeah, actually, so earlier this year. So I have she's become like one of my best friends and I finally get to meet her in January in Chicago. But my best friend, who is also my business coach, she really got me on track this year and she was like Jacqueline, what's your next goal with the podcast?
Speaker 2:And me, I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. You know all that trauma, like always gotta go, you can't hold me down and so. But she got me in shape and she was like we just can, let's get an outline together and let's start like making sense of these episodes and getting some professionals on and it. I think it was just a God thing, ruth, because I didn't know who you were. What I did was is I went through and I made an outline in my spreadsheets and I'll be honest, I use a little Chad GPT and I was like help me form the perfect podcast schedule to 100 episodes and I want it to involve trauma. I gave it all these things I wanted it to be and I wanted to map out, um, my episodes to the 100th episode. So you're part of that, by the way.
Speaker 1:It's like yes so huge, so special, that's so special right and so she was getting me familiar with.
Speaker 2:She was like get in there, get an instagram and find some people and just see who you're drawn to, and so chat with gpt was like let's get you a therapist or a licensed professional or something like that. And I was like that sounds so good because I talk about this stuff all the time, but I'm trying to like go, mel robbins big and get some really amazing, inspiring wizards on here like yourself that are just so intelligent and in your zone of genius.
Speaker 2:And so, anyway, I just trusted and I said, okay, let's go and let's look. And I was looking up therapy and holistic wellness and I found you and I literally went in my little spreadsheet and I went this is my first choice. I don't even think I had a second choice. I was just gravitated towards you and I wrote you and you. So it was basically like I'm going to be my audience knows I felt like a little, uh, I will say a wussy with a P, we'll say that.
Speaker 2:I will say a wussy with a P, we'll say that A wussy with a P, a wussy with a P, just in case there are kids nearby listening. Like you said, it's a beautiful day they could be like right around the corner.
Speaker 2:Yep, got to be careful, don't want to cause them any trauma. But no, you were just, you were on my list and I reached out and I think you were like, I think you pretty much were like thank you for your interest, I need to go listen to this to see if it's aligned. And then you did, and you came back and you're like okay, I kind of love you, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm here for it.
Speaker 2:I'm totally for it, yeah, yeah and that's how we so it's just kismet. It's, yeah, the little uh breadcrumbs that we were supposed to find. I think, yeah, yeah it's, it's really cool.
Speaker 1:I think you know so I'm assuming you're you know that yeah, that is like such a huge part in this work, in this healing, in our own personal journeys, um, connection to earth, you know, mother nature, timing, uh, if we're, if we're connected to numbers, synchronicities, things like that. Like that usually is a huge indicator to help me know that I'm on the right path. You know, and I have so many different practices. Sometimes it's faith-based, most times it's not at all, and I think people sometimes get confused. You know spirituality and you know faith and things like that too.
Speaker 1:But I think for people on their healing journeys, like it is so important to have rituals and techniques that help you align with, like you know, things that maybe like energy that you can't quite see but you know and you can feel. And that's going to involve other people in your path as teachers, as helpers, as influencers, as people that actually kind of you know, even do the harm too to, like you know, help you. Not that you have to learn from the harm, like in that way, but kind of help you evolve and grow so you can work towards that post-traumatic growth. It's I can, I can. That's like another, maybe another episode, cause I I see my brain kind of going into this, like that dimension there, and I want to be careful.
Speaker 2:I love that so much though, because, no, I'm we call it squirrel brain or shiny object. I go off on tangents, and it's so funny, I love it. I love it, though, well. So you said something and I want to bring it back because I'm curious about it. It's so interesting.
Speaker 2:You said something about you were talking about, like the PTSD and CPTSD recovery process and how, once, with the right we say treatment um or yeah, we'll just say treatment that you can go on to be way more successful than the average person who has had what I would say is like a a normal life. Yeah, you know, a kind of a sheltered life is what my brain sees it as, because I was out there like struggling. So, in my mind, like with my own kids too. So, quick backtrack, I have a daughter she's going on 12. And then I have a son with my husband now, and he has three boys from his previous marriage. So we've got a big family, big blended family, and it's been really yeah, it's been really interesting to navigate too, though, like it's a lot of feelings that come out and I've learned a lot about myself. Like that I do. And you, you mentioned something about being in the school being triggered. I didn't realize how triggered I would be by my husband's kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:That's really rough.
Speaker 1:Did you have siblings? Yeah, yeah, you were evil. Yeah, you said you were the caretaker. Yeah, I was the oldest of six.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think, you know, I'd get mad at my siblings a lot too, and it was more of the because I was pushed into the mother role and I'm just, I think what it is is. I feel like as a child I knew my place, like I knew my place right. I knew what I was supposed to do, what I wasn't supposed to do. I was on guard. I had to, like I call it, transform for whoever came into the room. How do I transform?
Speaker 1:for them.
Speaker 2:So I think that a lot of the trauma start coming out as a stepmom because there's so many boundaries there. But what I'm seeing and what's interesting is you said you were triggered by it being in the school You're doing a lot better by doing the virtual thing. I'm very much the same. The thought of going back to like having to work in person really freaks me out. I host a retreat once a year. I do VIP days. I am really, I guess, budgeting my energy and whatnot. What I find so interesting is a point that you made that, with the right love and nurture process, after having PTSD or CPTSD, that you go on to live such a productive life, which is, I say, every single day. It fucking sucks what I had to go through. Would I trade it now?
Speaker 2:Because I yeah, like really, because I find myself and it's not that I'm insensitive, but I think it makes me such a great leader that, having had to go through all that I've been homeless, I've been a sex worker, I've I've done anything and everything to try to fill that void. Yeah, you can't come to me and make excuses anymore, like I know what people are capable of. And so we're getting to the point. I promise we're getting there.
Speaker 2:What are you? I mean, what is your perspective on all of that? You know it, it's so funny, Like it's I call it like the preacher's daughter effect. The kids who have it really good and have a sheltered life and have parents that like they have their life kind of planned out for them and like they really they don't they're first world problems. You know, like is what I can say not to say that their feelings are inadequate or that they don't feel alone or something like that. But and then I see people who have grown up around addiction or have fallen into addiction pretty much followed the footsteps, trying to break the generational curses, which I did. That too, I became an addict. I became you know, I just mentioned the webcam, the sex work and all that I became an alcoholic. Swore I wouldn't do that. You know I have been with numerous narcissist men swore I wouldn't do that. Yeah, what do you? What do you? What are your thoughts there? Like, why is that? Do you get what I'm trying to say? Yeah, yeah, I yeah.
Speaker 1:So what is that about, like, like, what is it about kind of having those same patterns?
Speaker 2:Well, it's just like how? So it's probably the mom in me and where our we're not going to get into politics, I'm not a political person, but we're like where our country is at as a whole. I just look and I'm like how is it that we have it so good in today's society and yet people are still creating problems? And but so like the people who I would expect to be doing well and not be so entitled are, and then the people who have, I mean, fucking had absolutely nothing, are like the ones out there killing it, yeah, trying to help the people who are in their heads and going, or like stuck on autopilot in a sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like the people without the traumas. There you go, there you go, yes, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're piecing it together, sorry. No, you're good. No, you're good.
Speaker 1:You know, I I think about that too. I think about that too. I think about that with the children, um, children that I worked with in the schools, I think, and their parents, and not to analyze anything like that, but it's not always what it seems, for lack of a better way, I like to think about reparenting, and I see the tie here reparenting and I see the tie here reparenting as like a combination of gentleness and firmness, and I feel like, you know, we're gentle, gentle, we'll have anxious children. We'll like formula, anxious children, we're firm, firm, we'll develop anxious children. If we have, you know, one parent that's this, and then the other parent that's this.
Speaker 1:It's very confusing. And then it's like, well, you know. So I wonder, like, with the people that are growing up, in a little bit of both, I wonder what will happen after they've. You know, if you think about, like, the hero's journey, are you familiar with that? Like we go through these trials and tribulations and then we go through this like catalystic situation, we meet our teachers and then, like it sheds certain parts of us to come to light, so that we can find, like, maybe towards self-actualization or something like that. I don't know if this is connecting to what you're saying about, like, how people are, um are different. I don't know about, like, what's going on with that. I mean, maybe if you can clarify a little bit more before I go into that, Well, so you?
Speaker 2:yeah, I was on track with what you're saying. You are, I was, I was, I don't. Okay, you were on point trauma versus no trauma. Yet the people with trauma are going on to, after they get through all it, like it's making them stronger people. You know what I mean and it seems like the one like. My goal as a parent is to reduce, like, have as minimal amount of trauma my children as possible, right, but I also don't want to produce soft, entitled assholes, yes, yes, so it's like I.
Speaker 2:That's probably where the resentment comes from. Whenever I see it's not just my stepchildren, it's my children, too, that are acting entitled, but it's but like you're, literally. You wanted your children to have the best life, and so it's like a double edged sword, like I'm worried we're raising bricks.
Speaker 1:OK, gotcha.
Speaker 2:But I don't want them to go through a fraction of what I had to go through to be a solid human being. Does that make more sense?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yeah, that definitely makes sense. I literally was talking about this with a client. You know she also has CPDSD and wants to have children and is just so worried about, you know, the mother wounds, you know the ancestral traumas, the all the things in the bloodline that she's trying to repattern, and then like very anxious, like if I have kids, like well, what am I going to do? And then I have other people who already have children and are worried, you know, as they're embarking on, you know school age, you know what will happen to them if you know the parents are still trying to work on developing a sense of safety in the home and teaching them and preventing. You know all these other things.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I think, going back to safety and the balance between being gentle and loving and compassionate and curious, with the other area of firmness, which includes boundaries and discipline, consequences that are very reasonable and can instill a lot of responsibility at developmentally healthy. You know stages that can do so much and it sounds like it's a lot, but it's really as simple as developing the safety in the home and within your relationship with them and then within yourself also as a, as a, as a you know I relate to that caretaker part of you as well, and then, just, you know, being like a maternal figure in the, in our families as well. So it's a combination of that. But I think we can kind of sometimes feel like we can control everything and all of it, and you know their, their own individuals, and we can only do so much and a lot of it isn't something that you know we can. Even. You know control over some influence and so, yeah, I hope that kind of brings like maybe a different direction to it or a different perspective to it in the light of like safety within our own sense of self. And then being curious again with ourselves. Our shadow parts get curious about that, compassionate about that, challenging that as well. So, being gentle and firm with ourself firm with ourself, you know, in our experiences to heal emotional pain, and then that can absolutely transcend into the circles that you're in in your home. You know the people you work with and can relieve some pressure and burden. That as that caretaker.
Speaker 1:I think it's kind of interesting. We're talking about caretakers. You know feeling that we need to. You know control or protect. You know as much as possible because we saw, we saw so much that we shouldn't have seen or experienced so much that we shouldn't have experienced. So yeah, I mean, children are very interesting, right, they're sponges, you know they could be interesting gems. You know what I mean by gems, you know and like, but yeah, I can. It feels it makes sense to relieve a lot of that pressure from ourselves, especially if we've had experiences that felt like we kind of were responsible for someone's whole journey in their life. You know, I know it's precious times, but yeah, I don't know. What do you think about that?
Speaker 2:I find it all very interesting because the word that keeps coming up for you two is safety. And yeah, no, that all makes sense. It was. It was kind of a kick in the face. I like I had to come out and admit that Like I was literally I didn't realize this and this is going to make me sound bad, but I really don't give a shit because I think that it's something that a lot of like step-parents don't speak on. It's been very interesting because it's a different kind of love. It's just a different. It's not that I don't love my like. I call them all my kids. They're all my kids, right?
Speaker 2:My husband and I have been together I think five years now, so it's and getting together was like another traumatic event because right around then I was, I lost, we lost. When I got pregnant, we lost our first baby. My daughter's dad had just died. It was a whole thing. I was in the middle of a custody battle, all kinds of things, and so finding figuring out how to become a blended family overnight was super interesting because it was just the two of us, my daughter, myself, and then I get pregnant and then we get married and we go from just the two of us to once her brother's born an overnight family of seven, Right? So, and I was so over them. I was like I found, because I have, I'm the oldest of six, right, I always thought I was going to have this huge family and I was going to redo it and do it the right way. That's what I said. And but then I was faced with this whole new set of challenges Like how do I figure out how to show them all that I love them and that they I don't see any of them differently. And then what was really interesting for me is when I found myself and this is the part that I'm like this is gonna sound bad, but I was jealous of my husband's youngest for probably the first three or four years, Because what I found was that so, first off and I think that some people can probably relate with this, especially if you live down south but my husband's nine years older than me, so we're, it's different generations, you know, like the way that we communicate, I like to text, he likes to, he's call me like I'm going to talk to you about it.
Speaker 2:So a lot of things are different. But, like, personality wise, he's not emotional, he will go out of his way to show emotion. And then you get his little boy over here and he's cuddling and scratching his back and I'm just, and it finally hit me. It finally hit me. I'm so much like his son. He's like a little grumpy, grumpy old man. All he wants to do is like with his blanket, sit there and watch his programs.
Speaker 2:So I finally figured out it was my inner child, so wounded, and then I didn't have a dad growing up. So here I see my husband who does not show me that kind of affection on her Like unless I ask for it going out of his way. And how shitty of that is. I felt so shitty. I'm like because and but it always took me putting myself in in his shoes, Like that's his fucking look, Like what? And I realized so quickly that it was because of all of that I went without as a kid. And now we are giving our children all that we wanted and my little girl is like but what about me? Yeah, get all that.
Speaker 2:And so what are your uh, maybe, thoughts on? Because those are, those are, these are real problems, these are real feelings that people have, that they're keeping to themselves, that they, yeah. And what happens is when we don't talk about it, like we will wind up resenting the family we've built. It's really insane, yeah, and I just we're over that. I've worked through that and this little dude is like my best friend and I love my family so much, so freaking much, and it would kill me.
Speaker 2:I just had a conversation with them the other day and this may hopefully this didn't create any trauma, Ruth. I just had a conversation with them the other day and this may hopefully this didn't create any trauma, Ruth, but the fighting and the disrespect and I just they made mama cry and I cried in the car, in the van, and I didn't yell at them, but I cried with compassion and I said I need you all to please start getting along. We've got to start getting along. I'm working so hard and to see you guys not happy when you have everything you need. I'm not saying that your feelings are invalid, but like I had to be real with my oldest because we got two 11s that are about to be 12. We got a 15 year old. The other two are six and three, but I had to tell them.
Speaker 2:I'm like I need you guys to understand like the impact of our family unit and that if we can't make it work, they've been through a divorce before. I don't want that to happen, but I'm worried that I don't want a wedge to come between us and I don't want to lose my family again. But the older they get, I noticed that they kind of pit us against each other. You've got, you've got, you know his ex-wife and they've got their family, and then you've got us over here and it's just, and then so it's like it's not. It's not like unrealistic to say that we could get divorced one day because it's just not working out. The blend is not blending. So what is your perspective on that? Because I know this is this is a real life problem and people stay in relationships trying to make it work. But like, what are your? What's your perspective there? Any, any tips, any tricks on how to for the blended people out there?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, well, first of all, thank you for naming that, because you're right. Like I don't think a lot of people do talk about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not talking about that. Yeah, the intricate aspects of blended families and with littles, and then, on top of that, our own complex or developmental inner child wounds right, those wounds coming up. And then we've got these littles that are around the same age where we had a completely different kind of life and we're feeling like we're doing so much for them and it doesn't feel like it's maybe appreciative or it doesn't feel like they're even like getting along. It doesn't feel like they're doing anything to like make some, like be part of the family that is like cohesive and calm and stuff. I think like the, the re traumatization piece I think is is a big element that I don't know if people are experiencing to the point where they are aware of it, like you're saying like I discovered this little, where they are aware of it. Like you're saying like I discovered this little, this little girl that was being activated and showing up more. When this kind of dynamic is happening, you know, I honestly like I think it's just hard. I think it's hard Like family therapy is like one thing that can help Play therapy with the kids.
Speaker 1:There's also like their perspective of it too. I can imagine around being the age that they are the parental figures in their life and maybe either getting influenced by the other you know, maybe their mom, and like what she's going through, or maybe just like trying to figure out, like what, how they're supposed to be while they're the age that they are. And but I guess I'm also more concerned about your parts, right, cause your parts are feeling all of this and to the point where you're like all of this and to the point where you're like all I want you to do is just get along, you know. So family therapy is one aspect of it too, but I guess, like you know, bringing in this aspect of inner child work and that shadow work of like being compassionate and curious about her, and bringing in um witnessing her and hearing her story. So I don't know how much of um like individual therapy and community therapy and you know all those things that you're doing. I'm sure you're doing a lot of that, but you know, bringing that in a little bit more to increase some of that curious compassion for her.
Speaker 1:I also wonder about, you know, his involvement to your husband and seeing, like you know, the emotional piece is something that you, your parts, are wanting more. And if it's not quite there. You know what kind of what kind of strategies or conversations can we have to increase some of that for you? Yeah, there's, there's a lot of things that I'm thinking about, but I, I, I mean, I'd love to like hear a little bit about any of those things that are landing. I don't want to assume, but yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so yeah, no, all that. So you spoke to all that and I, I went, yeah, I experienced all that. That's when, so the jealousy was evidence of something that I desired, right, and yeah, like I was saying, you keep mentioning inner child and getting curious, the word is curious, and then that's safety, that word.
Speaker 1:Compassion and curiosity.
Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't know what it was. One day I know what it was. And again, I say things that make me sound shitty, but they're real thoughts. They're real and they're not willing to admit to.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I was. I was, oh, I know what it was. When my husband and I started dating, the agreement what I? I broke up with him in the beginning. We were together for about I don't know two or three weeks. I broke up with him because I had a realistic conversation. You know, I'm almost 30. I want more kids. You've got three. Is that a possibility? And he said no, and so I was like okay, bye. We wound it back together.
Speaker 2:He fell in love with me, gave me a baby, obviously, but before that it was the spiritual warfare for me, what like? I felt like I was settling, but I also didn't want him to feel like he was settling like there's no, there should never. Like this should be something that we both want to do. It shouldn't be an accident, none of that. And um, and all of a sudden it hit me one day, some resentment that I'd had built up and I was like why? Why do I feel that way, other than I feel, like some, that I'm not getting what I deserve. Getting what I deserve and this is the part that sounds shitty. His, his ex-wife, is what I would consider. She is like a trophy. Okay, she, she's got it going on. She's beautiful, she is just well known in the community, big heart. I have nothing ill to say and so so, but I can't help but compare yourself to that. Sure, yeah, but it hit me that his youngest would only ever see us together. And that just hit different for me Because, again, it was this sense of jealousy. I'm not going to, he's not going to give me a baby, but they have a baby and I have to watch them raise this baby together. And it was really hard. And then there was this overwhelming sense of like acceptance one day and I said, yeah, but when he sees his dad with somebody, it's you, so you'd still get to be his mom, in a sense, like I'm never going to claim that title, but I get to nurture him and, you know, help raise him. And so that started to really shift. And that's when I got real curious about like, why are you so jealous? And it, yeah, it went back to that inner child and I did all this.
Speaker 2:My biggest breakthrough was I had this meditation, this deep meditation, at a retreat that, uh, I facilitated and someone my co-host, she ran this meditation. I still got massive pages of shit that I wrote, and that was for the first time ever that I didn't wake up for about the next six to eight months with that, that feeling in the morning, the vomiting, the, and it was through that inner child. I didn't realize it was going to be an inner child meditation, but I swear to God, I met. I got to go back and read this this has been sitting around for a few days, open it and I think it's time. But I, the meditation was intense, it was. I was floating down a river on my back as child Jacqueline, and to my right I saw my ancestors, native Americans, and they were just like seeing me off and I was floating on this raft, on my back and naked. It was so innocent and just so beautiful. And I saw, I saw her and she was just like you can go, it's fine, we're safe now, and it was almost. And then she took me up to this cloud and she told me like that she was all, she was happy to go there, she felt free finally, and life just got so much better after that.
Speaker 2:But to go back to what you're saying, I don't want to make this about me. I want it to go back to the audience because I'm doing the work and you're right on point that this is the path I took and it was so cool how it unfolded I couldn't have forced it by any means. But for the person listening it goes back to what you said. Like, do they even know that's a? Are they even problem aware that that's going on? Might not be so that that plug in point is definitely the curiosity and curiosity I've got. I'm like too curious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, once I had, once I had the realization I was like, okay, why, why are we doing this? Why are we self-projecting on this innocent child who is literally depending on you to make him a good human? Like it was a, it was a wake up call for sure. But you see it, you know, you see it and I see it in my husband. He doesn't even realize that he's passive, aggressive as fuck with my daughter. There is this whole stepchild syndrome thing that happens. And so why why do we do that? Unless we're, unless there's something we haven't resolved within ourselves, unless there's some sense of jealousy like what is that? Can we speak on that? Yeah, I mean awareness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it could be a combination of that too, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When I, when I think about this idea of shadow work and I'm I'm using it as like it's it's a modern terminology, but it's not a modern thing, right, like you know, like we've got yeah I mean, I can go on and on about that it's it's ancient, um, but it's understanding, like, yeah, sometimes I'm going to be looking in the mirror towards my triggers or the things that are activating to me like meaning, um, maybe I see myself in this situation and that's causing some of this. You know, judgmental feelings or or or blame, or shame, or you know this like criticism or whatever it may be a rejection. So a lot of the times it is like, okay, let's look in ourselves, like what is what is like? My favorite question to ask, like this realm of curiosity is what's familiar about this situation? You know, like, is it? You know what's familiar about this that's activating me? Where do I feel it in my body? I think it's really interesting, like when we feel things in our throat. You know, it's like I wasn't able to say something, or I want to say something and I can't, or fear of like being judged. Or I was crying out and I wanted to say something and I can't, or fear of, like, being judged, or I was crying out and I wanted to say something and it wasn't heard, or I'm not seen. That's the heart space. It's like all that love but it's all pain, you know, and so I it's like, what is familiar about this?
Speaker 1:And I always have clients ask, like, in any situation that's coming up, like so this happened at work or this happened so-and-so said this well, it's familiar about that, you know, and we process it and we go down this curious rabbit hole of compassionate, you know, curiosity and just asking, like, what are those unexpressed wounds, unexpressed parts of ourselves that couldn't quite feel, like it could be out in the open, or it's exiled away in this castle, so far away, and then something triggered it and protectors within our body is like, oh no, you're getting close, let's not, let's cover it up and blame this person, or like, like we're going to, you know, show up in this like judgment. It's about them, it's not about us, you know, but really sometimes it's kind of like the other way around too, and that's okay, like, and that's okay and like, like I said, I relate to your story so much I really do, so I'm not saying anything that I I mean again, I don't know, it's obviously not the same. We're two different people. But when it comes to like this caretaker role, I think people don't even talk about that too much, Cause then you're, then you're thinking about okay, how does my caretaker role growing up with being a child of six, like the oldest, and then now having this blended family and then seeing these littles and then this interaction from this like father wound, like interaction from dad to the little. So going back to those unexpressed parts of us with compassion. So for me I do so much for my inner children and I say children because there was this rebellious teen, there's five-year-old, there's three-year-old, I don't even have a lot of memory about five-year-old, but I know lots of things happened because it's like I feel it in my body and so I do things for her my preteen, the one going into middle school.
Speaker 1:So I think of like this shadow work as being playful and nurturing and compassionate and I also try to be as objective as much as possible, because I also relate to like the jealousy I relate like the first thing that comes to mind when I think of my jealous part is seeing growing up, seeing other children have these like really loving homes, especially when the dads are there and they're present and they like teach them new soccer skills or volleyball, or like you know they're like they can like hug them, what you know, and you know it's just like it's going to be triggering, it's going to be activating. But what helps me is that I I, because of the, like you said, that awareness and that curiosity, it's so important. I'm aware that it's not necessarily just me that's feeling, that I'm curious to the level of there are those inner children that are locked away in that castle because of these protectors kind of deflecting on I don't know what it is. I just don't like hanging out with that girl, you know, because you know she has it all together. She thinks she's all, she thinks she's great, she thinks she's, you know, she's got it all together. Whatever. She thinks she's hot shit. But you know, I know that's my inner child, like I want that, I wanted that, you know.
Speaker 1:Or you know seeing, you know, in my present day, you know seeing things that I know, that I want and that I, that I don't have yet or that I, you know, whatever it may be like understanding, like, okay, compassionate curiosity about it. Oh, what is it? What is it about that? I'm literally talking to her. You know I'm talking to her. I'm talking to the protector parts, telling tell me, like, don't be suppressed anymore, don't be. You know, I'm taking care of you now, right, like I'm parenting you now. I want to hear about your dreams, your hopes, what made you sad, what is reminding you of this pain. I'm here to hold you and I'm also there to kind of instill boundaries for her too.
Speaker 1:Like you know, you aren't going to be hanging out with this person anymore because they harmed you, like they, they talked about you or they like said this really awful comment, or they don't care about your feelings in this, in this way, or whatever it was. Or even a vibe check, like, okay, we don't have to suffer through that, because maybe when we were kids we had to go through things and we didn't quite have agency of who we're going to be around, who was taking care of us, the friends we didn't really know like what's healthy, uplifting relationships? We weren't taught it. I speak for myself. I wasn't taught it right. I was not taught that.
Speaker 1:So I'm doing a lot of this repatterning, reparenting, repatterning now through a curious compassionate lens. So to kind of go back to what you're saying, absolutely Like. Yes, resentment can build up and jealousy and feeling inadequate or not, like maybe helpless or whatever it may be abandoned, you know, and just being curious about that and supporting the parts of you help separate from what's happening in the current world versus what's happened to my you know, or our inner children and working with them before we address what's happening in our current life so that they don't blend, blend and you know, through the lens of like projection or like you know as best as possible, but it's going to happen. We're human and we have complex histories and lives right.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, oh, that was all so good. You said that you talked to your children and again, no coincidences here, it's so funny that that you say that after I just began doing that for myself. So those little god winks, yes, yes, they really are. I was on the toilet the other morning because for me it's GI. It's GI, yes, right, yeah, yeah, gi and heart related for me. So you were talking about the heart. That, yeah, it makes sense. I've never felt safe like it all makes sense, and the abandonment, the rejection, all the things, uh. And then you were talking about how I mean, let's just be frank, it's it pisses you off to see like other kids have what you don't have.
Speaker 2:So, like you talking about, oh, they get to hug their dad, like what the fuck yeah the way you said it, like I just I see little ruth and yeah, like, and we carry those things into adulthood and and man, it's just powerful. But what I take away from all of it is the compassion, the compassionate curiosity. I really want to relay to my audience that that does it changes everything. Looking at everything from a lens of curiosity, because we're so quick to judge ourselves, man, and it's just like why? Why am I feeling that way? And I love how you said what's familiar. I've never stopped to think about that, like, what about this is familiar? And I noticed you don't say trigger a lot, you say activate. Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1:I don't know where that came from, I don't, I'm not really sure, but I do like activate or a little bit better yeah, why am I on alert?
Speaker 2:yeah uh, man, I don't even just this has been awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome, um, but what's coming through to me is like, with all of this, it's uh, yeah, it's a spiritual, but spirituality is so unique to the person. It just feels like, with all of this, if listeners only take something away from me and I want to hear what they should take away from you next what would be to get curious, get curious about your identity. You know, that was what really onset my whole personal development journey, and I got super curious about my brain. That was it. I was like my brain is holding me back, like what the fuck is going on. And so the I finally figured out like I'm just going to get real curious about this. I started doing research, reading books, finally figured out like I'm just gonna get real curious about this and start doing research, reading books, discovered neuroscience, neuroplasticity, re rewiring of the brain, um that's post-traumatic growth.
Speaker 2:By the way, that neuroplasticity, yeah, it's part of it uh, and I just got super curious why the fuck am I like this? And and it goes back to that inner child thing I asked her. I was like who do you want to be Nobody?
Speaker 1:ever stopped to ask you that?
Speaker 2:Like, who would you be? I'd put myself in this situation where I was like, I put myself in this deep meditation. I was like, let's just pretend you were born in the wild. No electronics, maybe we were raised by wolves, I don't know. But who would you be? And it was so different than who I was being and that was radical acceptance. But also then I had to take radical ownership, radical responsibility and then figure out how to unbecome all of that. And that's the journey.
Speaker 2:But man, inner child, I hope somebody listens to this and is like I hope this is their plug-in point, because that's all you need. Would you agree with that? Once you're aware, it really feels like the plugin point. And then the rest is like just how curious you get and how consistent with that curiosity you are, because it just that's why I think that's why they call it. You fall into the rabbit hole Like you can't get enough of it Once you start seeing results and you see a change in yourself. And for me, what was the most beautiful thing was when people started saying what are you doing differently? Like what's going on? You're different? And I was like, oh my God, is it working?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, oh, and sometimes we can't see it. But other people can't see the transformation, all that hard work that we're putting in.
Speaker 2:It's beautiful, beautiful, yeah For everyone. I want to hear I caught. Like you know, let's part with what is on your heart. And one final message for everybody, cause, again, you know, this's all over the place, as you see, that's good, I love it.
Speaker 2:We bounce around, but that's what it means to talk shit, like we're just talking about kinds of shit, whatever happens. But like, what are your final words of wisdom, what's on your heart? And then, if you'll close it out with I didn't even introduce you and your last name, I just said Ruth, I just assumed everybody knew who you were. And then, um, but if you'll, just, you know, tell them where to find you, uh, how to work with you, if you're accepting clients or any events, anything, just all the Ruth things. And then, um, your last wisdom, or your last nugget of wisdom for everybody listening.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting. You say wisdom, because that's kind of part of what I wanted to bring up, because you said, you know, like plugging in into that, and what comes up for me is that we do have, every single one of us, we have that internal, innate, ancestral, spiritual, higher self wisdom.
Speaker 1:You know, I'm using parts language as well because I use it heavily in work with clients and in my own journey too. But we're born with it, we have access to it. Sometimes we feel like we have more access, sometimes we don't feel like we have any access to it, but it's there. It's just kind of sometimes gets clouded by a lot of the protector mechanisms that we have the caretaker, the perfectionist, the task maker, the inner critic or whatnot. But compassionate curiosity helps uncover and uncloud that higher self, that deep inner wisdom that we all have and that takes time and patience, confronting all the layers with nonjudgmental curiosity. Right, like I cannot say that enough. I think you're right, like that is a catalyst to your journeys, right To our journeys, but that we all have that power to do that.
Speaker 1:Healing, again, post-traumatic growth we have that innate ability to do it. We're all wired to do that. We are complex human creatures but we and with that being said, there's so much about what we could do that I don't feel like people you know hear enough about Um, and healing is one part of it but like just the amount of of strength that we have and resilience that we can. You know, developing new skills, um, and a lot of it. It's like healing our lineage. The more we're doing now, we're healing our past lineage, the mother wounds, the father wounds, ancestral wounds, and our future as well. And so, you know, I think that that's like.
Speaker 1:The big takeaway for me is that we're all wired to have that internal wisdom. We're all wired to have that, that strength that can promote healing and anyone has access to it. You know, it just takes patience and um all that um passionate curiosity. Yeah, so I'll, I'll leave it at that, um, but I I love what you're saying too about the meditations um therapy, reading books. Yes, it is a lot, but sometimes it's the small little sprinkles of slowing down, resting, giving ourself opportunity, being community safety for ourself, providing safety, whether it's boundaries or it's safety in know um, safety in the body, through breath work or through, you know, other meditations, talking to our parts, talking to our inner children.
Speaker 1:Um yeah, so I think that I'll leave it at that. You know um for some seconds, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I love that, uh, because I tell everybody like it compounds, just do, just get curious about something one thing each day and can we just say, like no shame. I know we say judgment like there's no shame, there's no shame. We judge ourselves entirely too much for things that we really we just shouldn't. So with that, that was a beautiful place to close. How can they find you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so uh, full name, ruth Tessima. Um, you can find me on Instagram. My handle is uh talk with Ruth. Uh website is rising self wellness and that's where you can find um my info around um psychotherapy services, um holistic wellness workshops, sound bath, breath work. Um, obviously, I'm in Oregon, so I see Oregon clients. I'm licensed in Oregon. However, um some of the workshops I'm I'm really hoping, within the next year, to start expanding to uh virtual um wellness workshops and so, like I said earlier, like I have workshops around parts work, somatic parts work, um inner child healing, um boundaries, um vagus nerve reset, uh, and then breath work and sound baths obviously as well. So, hopefully, you know, I can kind of bring in community outside of Oregon, but that's in the works. But, yeah, rising Self Wellness talk with Ruth on Instagram.
Speaker 2:I swiped. Oh, you swiped. Okay, that's fine, I swiped it and I couldn't. I didn't find you, oh no I've done that before.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, I was.
Speaker 2:I muted myself because I live by an airport and I was like I don't want to interrupt her. And anyway, phil, it's all good. Well, everybody go find miss ruth, and I can't wait for more of the virtual stuff. Uh, I just you should do a retreat at some point too. Just gonna throw that out there, totally, totally. Oh, this was awesome. I'm so glad we finally got to do it. Uh, I forgot to tell you I love all the plants and books in the background.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you such a vibe, such a vibe, um, and I guess we'll just stay connected through instagram and and thank you, thank you. I can't thank you enough for your time, for your energy, for your wisdom and just being the incredible human that you are. Okay, that's really sweet.
Speaker 1:Thank you. I appreciate you too. This was lovely. You got me fired up 8 am.
Speaker 2:I love, love it Good, good, good. All right, go out there and take on the day, and I will talk with you soon.
Speaker 1:Talk soon, absolutely.
