#193: The Radical Gift of Sabbath

This week I’m sharing about one of my favorite rhythms in our family life: Sabbath. Why we keep it, how it shapes our week, and why rest is good for everyone — body, soul, family, and culture. 

I’ll talk about our own Sabbath table, the prep that makes it possible, and some wisdom from Genesis and beyond that has helped me see rest as not just a pause, but a gift.

www.daraboxer.com

Transcript

Setting the Stage: Yom Kippur Context

Dara 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to The Raw on the Cooked, a weekly podcast that provides simple routines around the home plus raw and honest book reviews. My name is Dara. I'm a Midwestern stay-at-home mom to four young kids, and I thrive on simplicity. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode. Today is UM Keep if you're listening in real time. I'm not listening in real time because I am in synagogue, I am in services, I am fasting, I am doing all the things you are supposed to do. But I didn't want to not have today's episode come out just because Thursday is my day, regardless if there's a holiday or not. So we're here. Um so thanks for tuning in. And um today's topic is kind of tangential to Yom Kippur. It's another Jewish holiday. Um, I bet you didn't know that the Sabbath is actually the most important Jewish holiday, and it's because it's something that we celebrate every single week and it is also in the Ten Commandments, it is a big one. And so I sort of wanted to talk about that, like why the Sabbath is ancient and meaningful, and how you can make it practical for modern day families, because it's not easy to do as much as it would have been, let's say 500 or a thousand years ago, right? Like life is very, very different than it was back then, and it can be kind of inconvenient if I'm honest, right? Like, especially if you're an Orthodox Jew and you take it to a very serious degree where you're not even using electricity. We're not quite there yet. Um, so I kind of want to just share what our um trajectory into observing the Sabbath has looked like and maybe inspire you. Um, and just kind of, yeah, just I don't know. Yeah, I just I also wanted to sort of have this as like an open conversation. Um, a couple of my friends were curious about the Sabbath, and we've been talking about it a lot more, and they didn't realize the I mean they obviously know that I like my phone is away and like I have no access to my computer, like I'm just like completely offline for those 25 hours. And so they were just asking a couple of questions, and so I feel like I'm just gonna have a conversation with you as I am with them, sort of like what we do and how it works, and again, how to make it applicable to 2025 if you have that desire and that poll to maybe sort of like take a step back and pause. So, for starters, we are not meant to work, work, work and be productive and just like go, go, go, right? Like, like it says in Genesis 2.2 of right on the seventh day, God ended his work, which he had done, and he rested. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, right? Like, it is important to have the same type of rhythm that God has. Like you can, you need rest, your soul needs it. And I feel like if you have that pull that like something isn't quite right because you are just hustling non-stop, like maybe Sabbath would be a good idea. And so I um I feel like the way I look at it, and like the way I frame it for myself, is that it's like it's spiritual and it is a rhythm and it's a part of life and it's holy and it is part of our home life, so much so that like I don't even plan around it anymore. So, and what I mean by that is when my husband and I first started doing Shabbats, we would light candles, and then maybe a couple weeks later we had added in the cala and then the bread and you know the Friday night meal, and it became a little bit more and more, and it wasn't every Friday night, but then slowly over time, and as we've been adding more and more children, it was kind of a given that Friday nights like come hell or high water, we were lighting candles, drinking red wine, and having cala. And at first it was store-bought cala, and then soon I felt confident enough to start making it myself, and that felt even more special. And then it was me finding like really fun and pretty, colorful candles uh from our favorite Dearburgs grocery store. And then it was sort of like, well, how can we make this even better? And so, like slowly as the years have ticked by, we've gotten to a place where like we I feel like we're in a good spot right now. But so that's the Friday night meal when we like light the candles, and like that is the that is like the bringing in of the Shabbos bride, like that is like the start of Shabbat, is like with the lighting of the candles. And you're supposed to go according to sunset and sundown, um, which of course, depending on the time of the year, could be as late as like 8.30 or as early as five. And we have never really kept that schedule, unfortunately. I mean, maybe we will get there one day, but we just eat dinner as a family between like 5:30 and 6 every single night because of this stages of life that we're in with our small children. So even if Shabbat doesn't start until like 8:30 at night um in a sum on like a summer Friday night, like we're still lighting candles and eating at like 5.45. And I mean, I don't know, like yes, that would be like a huge no-no in the Orthodox Jewish community, but we are not Orthodox and I feel like God gets the message and the intention. Anyway, so as soon as we light the candles, that kind of starts the mark of the 25 hours. And yes, Shabbos is 25 hours as opposed to 24. So once that happens, my husband and I are done with our phones, we are done with our computers, it gets put away. I throw my phone on do not disturb. It's actually like an automatic thing. I don't even have to do it, it's just a like a timer that's set every Friday night from 5:30 until Saturday night, 6.30. My phone goes on DD mode. I put it in our junk drawer so I'm not tempted to look at it. And uh, we both put our laptops away in a desk drawer. And we do not surf the internet, we do not online shop, we do not do any of that for those 25 hours. And so that actually I used to have to schedule in. We would, because we have so many friends and family that travel and visit, and you know, there's a lot going on. Like it's their birthday parties and events and uh, you know, just things like life. Like it's just a lot and play dates, and you know, I don't want to completely cut ourselves off, but in some way I do want to mark the Sabbath as a holy day. And so what we've now sort of been doing is we will, I will still take the kids to a birthday party or an event or whatever if I feel like it's worth it. Um and so I will, I will the night before or you know, on Thursday or Friday morning, I will just double check the address and the time and I'll make sure that I know how to get there. If I don't, I will print out directions because I don't want to take my phone with me and I'll leave it at home. Um, or if we have friends and family coming in to visit, right, we'll we'll you know, kind of call, I'll communicate with them that like I will not have my phone, but to meet back at our house, let's say, you know, 10 a.m. on Saturday morning. Um, or my mom had come into town and wanted to go pumpkin picking with the kids, and Saturday was like seemed to be the only good way to do that. So I just left my phone at home and we just drove, or you know what I mean? Like there are small workarounds, but the point for us for the Sabbath is to really like connect and rest and just kind of like yeah, just take it easy. Um, a new introduction that we've been doing is adding in paper plates on Friday night, and that way at the end of the meal, there are not like 50,000 dishes to wash, everything just kind of goes in the trash, and that's been a huge lifesaver. And we just kind of like take it easy and we'll still like turn down the house. Like there's still like, you know, we still keep our routine. I'm still probably going to run a load of laundry on Saturday morning, and you know, but again, like that would be a big no-no if we were truly orthodox, but again, we're not, and I just feel like between my you small little kids and like the nature of how disgusting their clothes get, I'm not gonna skip it. I I don't know, I've tried it a couple of Sabbaths where I went without doing a load of laundry, and I was really kicking myself on Sunday. Just it just isn't right now at least, it's not how I want to run my life. So I'm still gonna run a load of laundry as I would every other day. Um, but you know, we're gonna sleep in, we're going to slowly wake up and have breakfast, and there's no like there's nowhere to be. Like for the most part, we have nothing scheduled on Saturday, and my dry erase board on the fridge just says Shabbat every single Saturday. And sometimes, again, there is an event or a birthday party, or like there's a vehicle fair, you know, that my boys want to go to or something of that nature, or like there's you know a PTO play date or whatever it is, and like we'll go, right? But I just won't take my phone. Um, I try really hard not to drive on the Sabbath, and we try really hard not to eat out or spend money or do any of that. Um, but again, sometimes it's just really challenging because if we have like, let's say my sister-in-law visiting, we're not gonna like not go out to eat with her, right? Like, we'll just kind of I don't know, we we do work around it, and so a lot of that is um just a lot of prep. And again, I just wanted to emphasize that like rest is part of creation, it shouldn't be an afterthought. Like God Himself modeled it for us, and so that is that is sort of how we've been doing our Shabbats. So I also like to earmark an easy meal, so I'm not cooking on the Sabbath. Maybe that's me throwing leftovers in the crock pot for warm or just knowing that we're going to coast on leftovers on Saturday night, so I'm not cooking. Um, we always try to do a family walk. Um, my husband and I will read. We have our family meals together. Um, you know, God gives you bonus points for taking a Shabbos nap and having sex and just like enjoying like the beauty of everything that you've worked so hard. And it's just it's not really about perfection, right? It's about the rhythm and the intention and the peace behind it. And I'm so happy where our Sabbaths are now. And at this point in our lives, I would say in the calendar year of 2025, we have done a Shabbat every single weekend, and it has been so good. Whether the weather is terrible or the weather is perfect, like we are home, we are here, we are just drinking coffee, we're outside, we are resting. My husband and I sort of trade off and take turns, who's watching the kids, so someone can. I I love to do my nails on the Sabbath. I like to take a long shower so he'll watch the kids while that's happening. It's just good. Um, I usually try to finish a book on the Sabbath. Right now I'm actually in the middle of like six different, like Bible-y kind of books. I'm reading Dennis Prager's Exodus, Dennis Prager's Genesis. I have Abraham Twersky's uh Daily Living, Weekly Living. I have Devorah Miller's book, uh Up to God, where it goes through the partial. I'm just like a lot of like Bible study recently. Um, it used to be a really good time for a fiction book for me, but I just like haven't been in the mood for that lately. So right now it's like more Bible focused and God-centric. But for the most part, like those are kind of the activities we do. We'll maybe take the kids to the park or the playground, but it's also really hard because we have four kids and everyone's napping at a different time. And so it feels kind of chaotic at times to get out of the house, but there's also no rush like to go anywhere. Like sometimes I'll just throw the baby in the stroller and we'll go for a walk together and just walk around the neighborhood, or maybe I'll take the three-year-old with me if he's up. Like, it just depends. Um, but the point is, is like it's just a slow day to kind of like reset. Um, I'm not quite at the point where I'm not gonna not do other things. Like, I might have like a little home project going on the side, which yes, like again, if we were orthodox, that would be like a big no-no. Um, but my husband will abstain from all work, like he will not do yard work, he will like he nothing, like he will not help me hang a picture, like he is like very much like I'm not doing that, um, which I totally respect. And I just feel like it's just going really well for our family. So I just it it it just I don't know, I can't describe it like other than just like pure happiness. Like, I look forward to the Sabbath. Um, our community of rabbis, we are so blessed with like the most amazing community of rabbis, and each of them has an equally amazing wife, and anytime one of them has like a lecture or a seminar, I will just jump on it and be like the first RSVP yes for it. And so one of the rabbis' wives had a seminar last year. I took Sophia with me when she was like, I'm not even kidding, it's like three weeks old. I was like, I'm not missing this. And uh it was centered around the seven habits of highly effective people and how she kind of connected that with the the Torah and the Bible. And um, she had mentioned that she feels like it's just very challenging to do a Sabbath if you don't plug that rhythm into your everyday. Like I guess her analogy was you cannot go 60 miles an hour six days a week and then expect to come to a complete halt on the Sabbath. And so she loves to sort of tie in little shabbats throughout each every day, like right, like on Monday and Tuesday, like all the days leading up to the Sabbath, to kind of like slowly build it in to kind of like so it's not so jarring when you get to the Sabbath and you're like, oh my gosh, like I'm you know, it because it can feel really jarring. And I totally agree with that. Like there are weeks where like it is just non-stop and it's really hard for me to sit down and not do any, like not get any real rest, and then come Saturday and it just feels like I'm like okay, like when's the next thing, right? So um that has been I've been building that into my daily flow of like rest and like just the permission to stop, so it's not so hard. Um there are there have been a handful of Sabbaths again, like now with four kids, six and under, it's it is hard because you know, one goes down for a nap and the other is up, and it just like a lot of times it it does feel very challenging and like not as restful as I wish it would be. But then there are other Sabbaths where it just flows so beautifully and so perfectly that I'm just like, gosh, like what a gift! Like this is just so grounding and memory-making, and I hope that our kids love it. And a lot of times my husband will order a puzzle, like a 200, 300, 400. Sorry, I don't know why I'm like slowly going out in increments. We will order like 500 piece puzzles and we will do it on the dining room table, and it's just so relaxing. And that actually that's been my father's day and birthday gifts for him for the last couple of years, is just like a puzzle. And I know it sounds so lame, but we love it, and he always gets like sad when we don't have a Shabbat puzzle to do, so it's just been really fun. Um, I learned recently that the library actually has puzzles that you can check out, so I um I think I'm gonna start taking advantage of that because puzzles can get kind of expensive if you're ordering a new one every single week. But anyway, um, yeah, it's just been great. And like at this point in my life, like all of my friends and all the people in my life know that if they want to reach me on Saturday, I will reply, like, you know, after 5:30, 6 o'clock. Um, and until then, like there's usually not an emergency. And that's another point I wanted to make is like there's rarely an emergency, right? Like, I can't, there's never been a time where I have turned on my phone and been like, oh my gosh, like, right? Like, I don't know. I just feel like it's just such a gift to be able to unplug for those 25 hours. It feels so special. And so I encourage you to try it. Um, my cousin who lives near us, she knows that we're likely gonna be home on a Saturday unless I tell her otherwise. And so if she wanted to get in touch, if she wants to get in touch with me, sometimes she'll just pop over and come over. And it's just really nice. And yeah, I don't know. I just feel like really happy with it. And I hope for the kids it's like a grounding rhythm and they'll have these memories. And for our marriage, it's just it's just a beautiful thing, and I just love it so much. And so yeah, I don't know. I feel like I'm like tapping into like the divine rhythm of creation by going for six days and then stopping and resting. And Sabbath literally means to stop. So um, and it also just feels like a nice quiet rebellion against hustle culture, right? And like the algorithms and just like this myth that we have that you like need more, need to be doing something, always need to be productive, and we're just not built like that. And so I think that the Sabbath can look different for every family. And for us, again, we started really small. I remember when we had our first baby, we we were lighting candles, and that was all we were doing. Like nothing on a Saturday marked it any different other than those Friday night candles. And even then, it wasn't every week. And um, I don't know, I just I feel like we've like we've accrued like a really beautiful Shabbos set. Like we've used the candlesticks we got for our wedding, these beautiful glass Tiffany candlesticks. We use a hala board that my mom and dad got at their wedding. We use a beautiful hala cover. We have my husband's kiddish cup that he got from his father, who got that from his father, I think. Am I remembering that correct? Um, no, I I feel like I'm missing a step or a generation. But anyway, um, it's just, it's just nice. We like use heirlooms for for everything, and like, I don't know, it's just it's so beautiful, and like I we so look forward to it. The kids help setting the Shabbos table. It's the one day they get to drink either um grape juice or sparkling something that you know there they get like a variation from like their typical milk or water at the dinner table, and it's just good. Um, and we we sometimes we host families and other people, so they'll come to our house or we'll still go out to other people's homes, but we will still do something to like make it special. And yeah, I don't know. I just I can't even tell you like how much I look forward to it and how much I look forward to like these Jewish holidays where you are forced to unplug. Like, for example, this episode is coming out on Yom Kippur. I will not have my phone or my computer, I will not look at it all all day. I will be completely unplugged, and like yes, we are technically driving to synagogue, but like I know how to get there. I don't need to bring my phone for the maps, right? Like it's I don't know, it's still, even though we are getting in the car, we are still like treating it as like a very holy and sacred day. And um yeah, I guess that's kind of it. Um, I wanted to encourage you again just to start small. And this episode really is for my best friend who was very confused about how to do a even just like a phone Sabbath. And I I think you'd be surprised and how you crave it and you can't wait for the next one to roll around. And so yeah. Um yeah. That's and I'm gonna just encourage you to practice in something to add into your week. So I'm gonna just end with like a quick little piece of scripture, and that's to be still and know that I am God, and that's uh Psalm 46 10. And I just, yeah, be still, try it, you will be surprised.