Cheryl

.Today on the Parenting podcast, we are picking back up on a conversation that we started last time. We're looking at our parenting years as a family road trip that goes from coast to coast, and we're focusing now. On the last portion of our active parenting years, which is the teen years, I'm your host, she lang. Listen in as the recording team of Ellen and Christie join me and reprocess some of what this portion of that road trip entails. Yes, they're challenges. But remember, our goal here at T B P is always to help you and your family flourish and to bring your heart hope.

Christie

You know, I'm thinking about the road trip and thinking, you know, when my girls were little and we were going somewhere that maybe they needed to be, on their best behavior and we were almost there. I might turn and say, okay, hey, I turned the radio down and say, Hey, we're almost there. I need to talk to you about some things. And that was where I wanted to have some conversations, but I think in this season, we're almost there. Yeah. But the things that I need to say and and do are investing in the relationship and the, the emotional needs that they have. Like, Hey, you're almost too. Adulthood. And the things I care about is I want us to have this ongoing relationship as we arrive to San Francisco. Yeah. And so I think that's where that has to move to the front seat, so to speak.

Cheryl

Mm-hmm. Yeah. it Plays out differently Yeah. Than it did through the others. season, not this is trying to be the most possibly engaged mm-hmm. parent in this season of all this transition. And you're

Ellen

saying I'm there for you.

Cheryl

Oh, that's so good.

Christie

Yeah, I love that.

Ellen

Yes. But I'm not gonna push. These ideas on you if you don't want them. Right. And that's your choice.

Cheryl

but the trick is they still are in our home. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. And we still are the parents. Right. And there are places where we may have to draw a line.

Ellen

Right. But I think you have to have that discussion, right. Yes. In the teen years before they get. Towards the exiting years so that, you know, this is what we expect if you plan on living at home through your early twenties. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You

Christie

know, well, and I think repeated discussions, there's lots of times where I'll have to say, Hey, I, I try to be super lenient on this kind of thing, and I wanna give you as much freedom as I can, but this is a line I'm gonna have to draw Right. In this area. Yeah. And so that they can hear, I'm trying to come at it from your perspective and understand. but I'm also, you know, 25 years older than you and have them inside in wisdom, right? Well, we have like courtesy

Ellen

rules because you know, when they get older, um, you know, they wanna come home really late. Mm-hmm. well, we wanna lock up, right? So we have to find a happy boundary in there that you don't wake us and the dog's up if you wanna come home late. right? Even if you were just with friends or whatever. Either decide to spend the night with your girlfriends. Come home a little bit earlier or call us or something. So even though you're older, that's a courtesy thing. It's not a rule, it's just, so I think as they get into those years, you remind them these are courtesies. Mm-hmm. you know, to us. to Other members of the family. We're not trying to tell you what to do, but it's just being courteous. If you were in an apartment and you had a roommate, you'd probably tell'em, Hey, I'm gonna be home late tonight.

Christie

And I think the amount of respect we extend to them Yeah. can almost, not always but almost help them reciprocate that. Yes.

Cheryl

Well, but also, one of the things, there is a place to put my foot down and think, yeah, no. At 16 you don't have the choice to stay Yes. Till four o'clock in the morning. We're talking older at that point, or also if, They don't have a track record of being trustworthy, right? Mm-hmm. under certain circumstances or with whatever it is. Mm-hmm. what characterizes them, right? And you have to let'em go a whole lot more than. you really want to mm-hmm. a lot of times mm-hmm. to give them freedom

Christie

Yeah.

Cheryl

you know, my kids have heard it many times with freedom and privilege, come, responsibility. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. And particularly in the teen years it's with freedom and privilege comes responsibility and consequences. Yeah.

Christie

Yeah

Cheryl

Mm-hmm. And what you talked about right. But I think what helped me so much from leaving the training years behind and not teaching too much is embracing my new best friend. Their teacher consequences Oh, yes. You know, and letting the consequences happen. Yet that's that tricky balance of when do I need to step in and say, this is the line, right. And then I felt like my job was, am I willing to let them pay all those consequences? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. or the full brunt of the consequence. You know, for example, I wanna do a road trip. I just got my license and I'm gonna do a road trip all by myself around the country. We'll have to talk about that, right? Mm-hmm. because I'm not sure about letting you take the full brunt of those consequences. Mm-hmm. right? So just for me, that helped me to sift through where do I release and where do I. Not. Yeah. Well that's why it's so hard.

Ellen

And every kid's different. Yes. Because what you might have let your firstborn do you realize your third child isn't there. Mm-hmm. they're not at the same maturity level and that's hard when you have to go. No, you're not. I don't think you're ready to do that another year maybe. And so those, I mean, it's tough I think that's why it makes it really, even if the kids are being cooperative, it's just tough having to think through those things

Christie

Sure. Well, I think. You're right. It can be individual, kid to kid, and that's why maybe family rules don't always work out very well because different kids need different things. And I think also another thing that can be helpful is to see what's habitual. You know, if something happens once, right. It may be that you don't need to tend to it, it's just like, gosh, sorry that happened. Yeah. But if things happen are happening over and over and then they're starting to affect other people or. school or you know, other things that are irreversible, the consequences are a little higher and so it might be time to step in. Yeah Yeah. And you know what's hard is sometimes

Ellen

like a driver's license. you can have three kids and one kid at 16 is ready to get their driver's license. Yeah. Yep. And the next one isn't. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And having to decide how do we, how do we maneuver this cuz they really are not ready. Right. To be driving another year, make

Christie

a, the difference in a way that doesn't bring shame. Right. You know, there's nothing wrong with Right. You not being at that space yet. Yes. But you aren't

Cheryl

Right. And weighing the burden. of, but I need to release them even if they aren't ready. Mm-hmm. So how incrementally do I do this? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is what makes it complex, right? Yeah. To be a good parent here. Yeah. Isn't the effort and the busyness that it was when they were little. Right. But it is complex to take and balance these. Mm-hmm. I want to release them and help them develop, but I also have a responsibility, um, to do that with wisdom. Right.

Christie

Uh, and I think this is going back to those conversations. That's how we learn where our kids are in their maturity is when we're having those conversations, conversations that might be like, Hey, you know, I, I know this is going on with so-and-so. What were your thoughts on that? And hearing how they respond. Yeah. And what thoughts they have on that might reveal to you. You know, when they're like, oh yeah, mom, I can't believe she's, yeah. Making that choice helps you see. Now they might be, you know, pulling your leg on some of that, but Yeah. You know,

Cheryl

and I don't know if you said the word today, But what you're talking about a while ago is what characterizes the person Yes. Over the long haul. And I think that works both ways and with my kids. I've used that also. Oh, mom, maybe I said something I didn't remember. I said it. And then they'll go, but you lied. Mm-hmm. you know? Yeah. Let's say What has characterized me mm-hmm. right? Over the time you've known me. Right. Have you seen me try to be a person that speaks honestly and has integrity mm-hmm. you know, Right. And then want to do the same thing to them. Right. Like what you said a while ago about, um, is this a habitual or is it an individual thing? Mm-hmm. are they just pushing to try something out? in their character, what characterizes this person? Mm-hmm. and, um, I like that word, particularly if be brought in in a very positive way, because I know, you know, you've been struggling with this, but what I've seen in your life, what characterizes you mm-hmm. as a person who's some Yeah. And to affirm them because you're watching them. with what you see in their strength of their character. Right. And

Ellen

when they blow it, you can still go back and say, yeah, most of the time I've seen you be very faithful in this area. Mm-hmm So I know something happened. You know, whether you just forgot or got caught up in something. And I was just wondering, cuz that's not like you.

Cheryl

Oh, that's so good That's when you put your arm around'em saying, yeah. Oh, we all struggle. Yes. Mm-hmm. It's so hard, isn't it? So much pressure. And then you go, yes, mom, it is. You want The connection. Right. To have the conversations.

Christie

Well, and I think that characterization goes both ways too. And you kind of touched on that about it's not just what they're characterized by, but what we're characterized by that comes to the table. And, you know, we talked, I think it was last episode, about, um, creating an atmosphere of repentance without shame. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. confession without shame. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I. You know, there's been times where I have vocalized thoughts of someone that were ugly and judgemental and my kids heard that. Yeah. And when they hear our attitudes that are negative or positive, yes. I think they often internalize that of if she feels that way about that girl's skirt Yes. Or whatever the thing I might have judged on. She would feel that way about me,

Cheryl

right? So they're gonna say's, good. Oh, my confession will elicit shame or judgment, right? Rather than the parent that sits next to me with their arm around me and saying, wow. How can I help? Right? Yeah.

Christie

So we really wanna watch our words. Yes. And of course, even more so our hearts, but what we're verbalizing to our kids that they're hearing authentically, no, he was such a jerk. Right. You know, authentically that you know, we are people of character that they can trust. Yes.

Cheryl

Because I will say it may look like. Teens tend to kind of ignore you. Mm-hmm. but they are watching mm-hmm. all the time. So if you whisper

Ellen

it in the dark, they've heard it. Right. that reminds you.

Cheryl

Yes. So, it's really important on that. To work on our character and what we're doing. Just what you're saying. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because we want to keep that relationship and this is our, last season mm-hmm. till we get to the edge of the Pacific Ocean. This is our opportunity to speak into it, to walk alongside, you know,

Ellen

and you didn't know you had so many things wrong with you till you have a teenager.

Christie

Yes. And that you knew so little. Yes.

Cheryl

But see the humility. Save that from them. Right, right. Keeps an atmosphere where they feel safe to even say harsh things, right? Mm-hmm. And we know that there's a boundary in that. Yeah. But mostly that you're not going to, don't talk like that to me. Mm-hmm. don't do that. Mm-hmm. if we go back to the teaching mode and we start exercising too much control, they're just going to pull away. Right.

Ellen

And it makes you have to say, oh, maybe they're right. Mm-hmm. Right. Maybe I do respond that way. Maybe little self-awareness. Yeah. And that. It's just such a habit in my life I hadn't noticed.

Christie

Well, and to that I would say, you know, if you are in the, or even when you get to these years of being at the tail end and thinking I'm almost there, it's very possible that you might be thinking, but I don't have that kind of rapport with my kids. Yes. Or that relationship. And I know that would be true of me in a lot of ways, especially with my older kids. And I. There's always a U-turn available with it. I'm sorry. Yes. You know, to humble ourselves with our kids and recognize what we've done. Yes. That was too controlling or too teachy, or too preachy or judgemental. They're pretty, I mean, receptive to an apology and humility.

Cheryl

Yes. I think is one of the most powerful tools we have. Mm-hmm. right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And so I completely agree with you. It's one of the best things I've ever done. Mm-hmm. that when my kids say something or I realize so. Yes, you're right. Right? Mm-hmm. I'm so

Ellen

sorry. Or I just say, yeah, you're right. If I would've known what I know now mm-hmm. I would've never

Christie

handled it that way. And I'm still learning. Yeah. I'm gonna be learning. Right. For the rest of your days. Yes. And the rest of mine. So I've never been, be my last of all force, so,

Cheryl

but just all that's what be new. I've never had this child at this age. Mm-hmm. Our family, whether you only have one child or you have many. Yeah. Everything is a new situation and so it just comes back to that humility thing that I'm humble enough to be flexible enough to change and then own up to what I'm supposed to do. What? Because it's life, Cheryl.

Ellen

It certainly is. I mean, and that's what we're teaching our kids. We don't have all the answers. All of us have to stay flexible. All of us have to stay open. Mm-hmm. and all of us have to be forgiving cuz life is hard.

Cheryl

So think about it, Chrissy. Let's say one of yours. Okay? They get to 18 and They leave the active parenting years, whatever they go to. and we didn't do all we wanted to. Mm-hmm. we're listening to TPP and say, oh, I blew it so much in that area. I mean, today, I'm thinking all the areas I blew it in. But if I'm doing that, I'm so sorry. And being genuine. Mm-hmm. and doing my U-turns and coming back and apologizing. What a wonderful gift. Mm-hmm. if you will, at the end of the trip, to me, bequeathed them is mm-hmm. I'm willing to, Talk with you about it and own up to it and apologize.

Ellen

I've gotten phone calls from my 40 year old kids that'll go, and now they're all raising their children, Hey, mom, when this happened, why'd you do that? And then I explain, oh, okay. because you know, they never thought about it. Now they're kind of at that crossroads. Well, my mom did this. I remember her doing that. Wonder

Christie

why she did that. Right. And so, well, I got a text the other day uh, from my oldest who was reminding me of something we used to do, and I said, well, a little peak behind the curtain. That was actually code for your dad's been out of town for nine. I'm exhausted and I don't wanna fight with anybody. So we're turning the TV on. Yes. And she said, oh, we knew what was behind the curtain. And so I, it's huge. I just think, you know, they eventually learn we're human. Yeah. You know, and that we have, we have emotions too, and that life is hard for us, just like it's hard for them. Yeah,

Cheryl

sure. So here we are wrapping. Uh, this active parenting years and this, uh, complicated part of the road trip. Anything else that you would leave our listeners with?

Ellen

Enjoy, yeah, Because that really is the close of. Your active parenting years, you'll still have relationship hopefully afterwards, but it really is the closing of an era both for you and your kids. Mm. Wow. And they're going into a totally different world now where they're really going to be in charge of their life. Mm-hmm. and you are going to just be not on the side, but you can come alongside, but they're gonna be walking way ahead of. mm-hmm. For, for much of their new life you're feeling like, oh, my kids are growing up They're like, yes, yes. My life's just, yes, exactly. So it's kind of a weird,

Cheryl

good, weird place. And I would say along with seeking to enjoy amidst all the mm-hmm. chaos. Mm-hmm. is also being excited, even though our hearts are saying, oh, I don't want you to move on. Mm-hmm. but be excited for them. I'm so excited about your next seasoner, what you're doing, or who you're becoming or you know, what this means. Instead of them feeling like. you're holding onto their little Let's say pajamas, you know, funny pajamas trying to pull them back in. Right. That we're not saying go away, but, oh, I'm so excited. Right. Life is ahead

Christie

of you. I love that. Well, I'll stay with the e theme. You said enjoy. Excited. I would say embrace. Like Embrace. Very good. That's good. Even the mistakes. Even the consequences, all the hard things. Just embrace it as. a learning lesson for you and for them and I mean, it's not gonna change. They're gonna be 35 and still making mistakes. Yeah, I'm 43 and still making mistakes, and learning from my consequences. So I, I say embrace just because, you know, I can resist consequences so much because I don't want anything to be hard. But hard things are learning opportunities and good things come from it. So just embrace it all the good and the. Very good. And

Ellen

I'm sorry, goes a long way. Yes. Whether they're 20 or 40 or whatever. I'm sorry, Billy helps.

Cheryl

Right. I'll finish with excellent Good. Thank y'all so much. You know, if we were to summarize these teen years, I think we'd all agree. It is definitely a transitional time of change.

Christie

oh yeah,

Cheryl

And in addition, we're carrying that weight of this being the last major parenting season. Yes. And like we've said, and I really didn't realize up front, the road signs are maybe a little wonky. And it's not just drive this straight flat road for the next a hundred miles, but there're curves up ahead and there're U-turns you didn't expect, mm-hmm. but you know, I love what we all emphasized here in closing, that they're also breathtaking. May be never to be repeated, beautiful scenic overlooks that we don't want to miss sharing with our teens as we barrel towards the Pacific coast.

Ellen

Yeah. That's really good.

Christie

Absolutely.

Cheryl

So listeners, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. Thanks for joining us today on The Parenting Podcast. I am just always struck when we look at this season and our relationship with our teens and all that's going on, how easy it was for me to lose sight of our real heart goals. As a parent, we do help. Our conversation is helping you to process through this season, and you aren't missing those three E's. Enjoy. Be excited and embrace all the opportunities and growth and a relationship with that very special person who's getting ready to step into adulthood. We would love to hear some of what your teen season has been like. Get in touch with us. contact@theparentingpodcast.com or on social media. Or our website. Next episode, we're going to do some more q and a and talk about a question that applies to almost all our seasons of parenting. So what about when they lie? Be sure to join us for that conversation on the Parenting podcast.