0:06

Thank you for tuning into the Parenting Podcast, your go-to source for navigating the ups and downs of this roller coaster we call parenthood. I'm Cheryl Lang, your host. And today, we delve once again into the crucial topic of self care. Join us as we peel back the layers of guilt and societal expectations and uncover the true importance of prioritizing our well being amidst the realities of everyday family life. I'm so glad you're here. Let's jump into the conversation together.

Cheryl 0:48

Hi, y'all. Good morning. Good morning.

Christie 0:51

Hi.

Ellen 0:53

Another

Cheryl 0:53

bright, sunny day. Okay, so what we're doing is building off of our conversations that we've had. So we started talking about some parental stress and burnout and we began to talk about self care and then parents keep asking, so what are you talking about self care? All right. So if you remember last time, we kind of tried to focus on, so then what's the difference between healthy self care and me ism, the selfie generation, that it's all about me.

Carol 1:29

Right.

Cheryl 1:29

So we talked about that. And then our listeners say, okay, but I still don't really get it. Can you expand a little bit? Because I feel so guilty. So, how would y'all talk about maybe guilt free self care and some of the misconceptions. What do you think some of the misconceptions that we could address that? Because they're saying back to me I still don't really understand what self care would look like.

Ellen 1:59

So, is guilt a choice. Oh, you really think so?

Christie 2:03

Think about that. Let's talk about that. That's a whole other topic. So okay, can we say resisting guilt is the choice to make? Correct. Maybe

Ellen 2:12

that's, that's the start of the practice of living guilt free.

Christie 2:16

Guilt feels very impulsive to me. It feels kind of like a default setting, but choosing to not feel guilty, right? Because when we,

Ellen 2:25

right, when we feel the guilty feeling that, well, I feel kind of bad I'm out here. And I just went to the, the kid's favorite ice cream store and they're not with me. I feel really bad. No, you stop yourself and go, no, this is my time.

Christie 2:37

So resisting. Yes. Yes. Yeah. This is

Cheryl 2:41

a healthy. self awareness conversation, you know, and even what you're talking about, because I'm, I'm listening to you, because you said it's a choice, you know, emotional reaction. I will say it's also a cultural reaction, right? You know, because we've talked about it before. In my parenting years, it would have been, I mean, that was guilty, selfish, self centeredness, if you did stuff to take care of yourself.

Ellen 3:10

We had bad, and I'm the same way, yeah, we had bad teaching. We thought we were supposed to do all these things. We were being a wonderful parent, in my case, a wonderful Christian churchgoer, you know, doing

Carol 3:23

those things. And that culture was unhealthy. Yes. And then, you know, we've talked in here before about being aware of what our emotions are. I mean, we talked about it for the children, in the whole brain child, that being self aware, boom, this is a guilt, emotional reaction, and I need to stop myself and talk to myself about it. So, um, yeah. Self feedback about talking about it rather than saying, I'm just not going to be guilty. I personally, Ellen, I can't do that without shutting myself off. Yes I have to say why. Right. Why do I feel guilty and then think through it and process it. to get to the point of this is a healthy reaction.

Christie 4:06

Well, and getting to the point of why should I not feel guilty. You know, processing to the point of understanding back to our value and our worth. You know, that this, those, those children have plenty of opportunities to have ice cream. I guarantee it. It's okay if I go to this family favorite spot alone today after I've done my grocery shopping for, for some, you know, time away. And remembering that I care well for my children. I've provided for my children. I meet their needs. It's okay to meet some of my needs and

Ellen 4:38

A lot of have false guilt. I mean, I think we from the time we're kind of young, we're sort of trained to feel guilty. That's the motivation. A lot of people use in our lives. Well, you didn't do this. You should have done that. And so we're kind of trained to think that way. And we have to break that cycle. The difference between Why would you feel guilty leaving your children that you're with most of the time for a couple of hours? Because

Christie 5:03

that's really, I mean, that might be another episode. That's getting into shame. Yeah, that's true. And that's really where the line crosses over there. But if you're logical

Ellen 5:11

about it, most of the time, for most there isn't any reason to feel legitimately guilty.

Christie 5:18

Can you walk around with me and be my logic?

Carol 5:23

Okay, now I'm going to go back to what you said there, Christy, because I agree with it, except the unhealthier me.

Cheryl 5:30

Hearing you, talking about it's okay for me to have ice cream because my children are well cared for. It's okay for me to go away because I give so much to my family. Actually, on a deeper level, it's still devaluing. I would be fighting to convince myself that I deserve a little perk right instead of the really deep thing is I don't value myself, right? And so instead of servanthood, it was self. effacing lack of value for me, and that I wasn't worth it, and I had to, like a scale. To say, I've been good to my children, I have to justify. I have to justify it it wasn't healthy. I should be able to have a lifestyle of healthy self care. Because i, as an individual, have value and worth in myself, separate from being a good parent being a good spouse being a good friend, working hard at my jobs, whatever they are. I do hear that. I think maybe I have a little rub with it just because I remember somebody telling me one time with my first baby, you meet baby's needs. And then your needs, maybe's wants, and then your wants. And so sometimes I think that's the excuse is, I, I, like, I might highlight my, my failures so that I don't deserve the time, you know, weaponizing it against yourself. So it's, it's messy. This is just a messy

Christie 7:04

thing. We may need a counselor on staff for this conversation.

Cheryl 7:07

And that's the problem. That's why we're spending another conversation on this, because to even define self care

Carol 7:16

Yes.

Cheryl 7:16

and then try to say, what does it look like, practically speaking, on the street level for parents? in this generation right now.

Ellen 7:25

Because I could say, as a parent, probably I have a lot more things I should legitimately felt guilty for. Not getting some time away from my children once in a while. Right. And so, you know, having a perspective of, Oh, maybe I should really feel a lot worse about my attitude over here that I'm not taking care of, as opposed to I'm getting some time away. Yeah, but that's a health thing. It's healthy to get away. You have a job outside of the home. You get days off because your employer may not want to give you the day off, but they know they're not going to get anything out of you if you're working 80 hour weeks. So it's. It's, it's built in, it's even legal, you have to have some time off a job and everything needs time

Cheryl 8:09

off. mm-hmm Right.

Ellen 8:11

And I think it's so important that you intentionally plan

Carol 8:14

times. Okay, so expand some more on this, what you're talking about.

Ellen 8:18

So, you know, when they were little, I always tried to make time. I had a day set aside once a week and I made arrangements for either my husband if he's around, babysitter, friend, and for a while we had a, you know, preschool that they could go to for the day. And utilizing that, not feeling bad about that, but planning it helps a lot. And then I knew I had my day set aside. And that was always my day to do that. And everything worked around it. And then I, Uh, made sure that for most of the time I planned what I was going to do when I had the whole day to myself. Wow.

Cheryl 8:58

Okay, so what would be a plan for someone who couldn't take a whole day? What kind of ideas do you have, would you say, will plan this way? What are some suggestions if someone's listening to you, they go, what? Can I plan my week? Because I can't do a whole day like you. Maybe they work full time right outside the home, or they just aren't in a situation that can do it. I never could have done that. You pick

Ellen 9:19

What is important and renews you whatever that is,

Cheryl 9:23

I like that

Ellen 9:24

because lots of times I couldn't get away. Also, so I would set aside a time where I love to cross stitch and embroider and I love to read. So I would always have a cross stitch I was working on and in a little free time, which might have been 30 minutes, I would sit down and work on my cross stitch or catch up on the chapter that I was reading. So pick things, not a whole plethora of things, but pick one or two things that you really enjoy that are doable both in your home and outside of your home.

Christie 9:55

I was just going to reiterate, and that does take planning, because it would take assigning a time in your busy schedule, and also if, if it's while your children are at home, training them, mom's off limits during this time. Yes. And that is going to be met with some resistance probably for some, some amount of time until they get accustomed to it.

Ellen 10:16

Yeah.

Christie 10:17

Yeah. I think. Finding those small things to incorporate into your regular rhythms is really important. For me, one thing I would do, and I've said before, I was really bad at self care, usually it was like when mommy's about to snap, you know, somebody called in backup, but, um, or I would stay up too late. And then just trying to care for myself and then I'd be tired and grumpy the next day and it would backfire. But I would always get a little like a special tea or something at the grocery store that would last me all week. And I knew I had this amount of time, you know, to have my tea or have a cup of coffee with a fun cream or something that was just for me. Yes. I must like hot drinks, but I would just have this. Escape mentally more than anything, because like you said, Cheryl I was never able to really bring in babysitters very much. I mean, I had some family around, but you know, not available for full days. And so just incorporating normal rhythms into when my kids were occupied. planning that and having some kind of mindset inward rather than giving up myself. And I've

Ellen 11:25

noticed my kids that have families do the same thing. They take my tea break, you know, like, Oh, it's my tea break. And they learned it probably just from watching me. I don't remember teaching it to them, but it's like what you're saying. It's really important that our children see that we do take

Cheryl 11:41

time off. That's fantastic. And I like this because there is a place for planning and getting away. But there's also the whole lifestyle that you don't have to have huge blocks but that you work it into your rhythms so that it's not a crisis but a proactive part of healthy emotional, I guess, healthy emotional health. I don't know if you can say that, but that's what we're working into this as a holistic thing that this is part of my lifestyle.

Ellen 12:12

Well, and because of children. You can't, I mean, I'm making it sound more rigid than I could be because, you know, the day you're supposed to have your time off, your kid's throwing up, you know, I mean, that's real life. So you have to have in your heart a big flexibility. But the goal is to try to get some time where you can renew.

Christie 12:32

Well, and if something's planned, even if it's, you know, far in the future, you can receive that with a little more flexibility because, you know, next Thursday we'll be here. You know, like, okay, I'm filled up. I've had, you know, I've met my needs of personal time. See,

Carol 12:47

I like this because she used the word renew. The word rejuvenate because it's like in the physical world when you fed your body well physically you have resources and strength and energy for the long like you're going to run a marathon or whatever you're going to do you have the reserves to bring into your physical life and we kind of all really understand that but we're talking about it.

Cheryl 13:13

Emotion and soul. Yeah, we need to do the replenishing and the rejuvenating of our souls as parents in the busy thing of parenting and particularly I'm thinking we moms are Um, but to realize, am I rejuvenating and replenishing my personal soul so that I have the most important thing I bring to my children, it's not my physical body, it's my soul that I bring to them for giving to their life. I love the word rejuvenating, but if I'm not bringing life and renewing into it in that area, I come depleted. And all I have is my physical and mental. Yeah, As long as

Ellen 13:57

it doesn't become a legalism. Because then that steals time from your self care. If you go into it, because I've done this, you go into it with a list of things that I need to do in my self care time I have to myself. None of them were bad things. But they didn't do the renewing that I needed. Maybe the renewing was just going to a movie and sitting there for two hours at a movie that I knew no one in the family would want to see.

Christie 14:24

No, I've done that same thing to myself where, you know, I know I'm going to get this morning away to a coffee shop alone. So I take a journal I'm going to write poems in and a journal I'm going to write prayers in. And these three books I'm going to read and all I have these high expectations for all of this. And then I feel like I failed myself in my time away because I didn't meet all my expectations. I wound up staring off into space drinking my coffee. Exactly,

Cheryl 14:51

exactly. And what each of you brought up were what you value. Because some people, like your artwork, you've self admitted you didn't do the artwork you should have that would have enriched your soul more during your parenting years. And then you mentioned books and journaling, not everybody enjoys those. So I would encourage our listeners to find what Rejuvenate you. What is your value? What's important? It could be that running a marathon or going in that direction. I didn't hear either one of you say, no, that's not on my

Christie 15:28

bucket list.

Carol 15:30

People who really enjoy it. Like my son and my daughter in law really love running long distances and for them to get away It is rejuvenating to them than to come back in where I would just be physically exhausted. Right. You know? So, I think we need to be asking questions, what and why? What gives me life inside of myself?

Ellen 15:56

And sometimes if you have a lot of children, it's just silence. Yeah, you don't even have to do anything. You're just so happy. It's quiet. Nobody's asking you for anything. You can, you know, you don't have to knock on the door to go to the bathroom. You can get in the kitchen and it's relatively clean and make a sandwich or you know, it's sometimes it's just this little simple thing. So we don't want to make it so complicated or expensive. Or sometimes it's not even getting away from your house. I would suggest if you can you get away from your house. Yeah, because our Habit is to work on projects around the house. Right. That you know, don't need to be done on our time

Christie 16:32

off in a sense. Right. Well, I think another thing too is get to know yourself too because you know, I did mention sitting in coffee shops You know why? Because it's easy. It's right down the road and it's easy and I'm learning now that I have a little more time margin. There's a lot of things that I enjoy that I didn't have time The time or, you know, I could have made the time, but I didn't have the, um, energy maybe is better, better word for it, that I didn't explore what my interests might be or what I might like to do in my time of self care. And so I think challenge yourself, kind of experiment with some things and you might find out new things about yourself. Take

Ellen 17:12

some classes. I don't necessarily, and I'm saying college courses, but I took lots of art classes. I took classes to learn how to do this, to learn how to do that, and it was really fun. You

Christie 17:22

know, I have a funny story. The other day, a friend of mine, a group of families did a craft show together, and the kids made things and sold them, and she had some leftovers, and she said, Oh, I have these leftover bookmarks that she had done herself, not her children, but she had watercolored Painted on these bookmarks and they were beautiful little floral scenes. And I said, I didn't know you were in our, she said, well, I just started watching YouTube and, and teaching myself and you guys, I'm not a crier, but I started tearing up because I thought how beautiful that she took that time. And, you know, her kids are a little older, but that she enjoyed the process of learning something new. And then she had. These beautiful pieces of art to share with others. I just think the exploring ourselves is really it's very good.

Cheryl 18:10

And with

Ellen 18:10

YouTube. What a wonderful world we know. It's amazing. Exactly

Cheryl 18:14

what I was gonna say. There's so much now that's free that you don't have to go to a class right to get away. You could do it but see recuperating. And now I'm looking into it and I would say, yes, develop yourself, not because you're trying to be selfish or self centered, but for your deep soul, how my family would have benefited if I had done it. But I did not listen to that, and I didn't know. I was trapped. One of you said the word legalism. Well, you didn't see it as a value. I did not value it, and I didn't value myself, and I was trapped in this legalistic martyrdom that if it felt good, maybe it wasn't for me because I wasn't giving out. That is not self

Christie 18:59

care. Right. And this isn't why we should be doing those things, but it is also something I've been thinking a lot about is you're investing in your kid's future parents, too. That's true. You know, as you develop as a human, something I'm realizing is You know, as my kids are in their 50s, who I am as their mother then matters, too. And so if I don't continue to develop as a person, I won't be prepared to be the mom they need in their 40s and 50s. Well, and it's

Cheryl 19:31

really interesting because I'm a, whatever, recuperating martyr or whatever I was. Recovering. I'm a

Christie 19:38

recovering martyr. That's great.

Cheryl 19:40

That's a great title. To think, because I didn't know I was allowed to do this. And so, y'all know, I have found all the fun of throwing pottery. Yes. And, you know.

Ellen 19:51

Meaning, you make, you make

Christie 19:53

pottery. You don't throw it on the wall. Not throwing it on the wall. Long laughter I've discovered that art, actually. I don't, I don't want that art.

Cheryl 20:02

The enrichment that it brings my soul and what's really interesting, which you're just saying, Christy, my kids are all almost thirties and forties. So they're much older, but they keep giving me feedback as I am becoming this holistically healthier person

Ellen 20:17

Yeah, yeah

Cheryl 20:18

my kids are commenting to me and one said just last week said, Mom, I love seeing this in you and they are appreciating me growing in this area, which gives them permission to not be trapped in that Yes. That bondage that I was in before of not taking care of my soul, of the personality of Sheryl, that it had to be Sheryl the mom or Sheryl the giver or Sheryl the doer, Sheryl the wife, that I could be a healthy. Me and that they are having it affirmed in their lives. It's okay. And that's what we want

Ellen 20:56

for our kids. Yeah, we want our sons and daughters to feel like they are Individuals and they can once they're on their own and they're working hard Whatever it is that they understand how to care for themselves.

Cheryl 21:07

Yes, and out of value. They are yes They have commented to me. They are now seeing me value Me, and it's, they're so excited for me, and I know it's affirming for them. I never saw this coming, did not know it would have that kind of impact on my kids. Yeah, I love that.

Ellen 21:26

I think that, um, something that's just really important as we start to sum everything up is we need to look. Um, for ways in our lives, especially as parents, to enjoy ourselves. And that's what the self care is

Cheryl 21:41

about. Okay, so talk about that so we see that versus indulging ourselves. Well,

Ellen 21:47

I don't know if on the outside you could see a difference, but it's you know your own heart when you maybe you didn't have the finances to do something, but you went ahead and said, forget it. I'm going to do it anyways. That's indulgence, but finding a workaround to find the same kind of pleasure or enjoyment from something you like to do being maybe having to be a little more creative and just Learning new things. And so, I mean, that's such an individual thing. Only you could know, um, what, what is maybe right

Cheryl 22:22

for you. That's right. Because you know, Ellen, that's that holistic aspect of our emotional health. Yeah. Is that it flows from why we do something. And that it just flows over to everybody

Christie 22:35

else. Yeah, you know, I just got back from a weekend away with a group of moms and I've done this a couple times. I think this is our third time in the last handful of years. And, you know, I've been away before with moms and come back not. necessarily feeling recharged, you know, maybe over structured or, um, maybe the people felt like a strain to not these moms, but a feeling of energy being sucked from me in some way or another. And I came back this week just feeling so refreshed and recharged and I think it came down to my mindset, you know, it wasn't just about leaving my house and being away from the needs that are there. Yeah. I, I really truly took the time to absorb. The relationships and observe other people's gifts and and celebrate the seasons of parenting I've been through and look forward to the new seasons and it was way more reflective than oh, let's just go away and and get lunch and shop and get our nails done and do the things which all that is fine, but it was just a time to pamper my soul more than anything love that. It's, it's different, you know, and like you said, Ellen, it sometimes looks the same externally because like I said, I've been, you know, on this, on this, with this group before, but it's just something in my mindset and the focuses of my heart during the time that were different.

Cheryl 24:07

That's fantastic. That's so encouraging. Yeah. And just one more thing. I liked you said the word it gave you energy, if you will, soul energy inside of you. And maybe that would be one of the, uh, Markers to say what gives you energy inside of yourself to say, Oh, this is good self care.

Ellen 24:28

Yeah, yeah

Cheryl 24:29

And you

Ellen 24:29

know, for me, and maybe you guys are the same way, I'm really a people person. So I don't want a whole bunch of solitude. There's times I need. So, um, I think it's important to have some time alone, but sometimes meeting with a friend, and just a friend that doesn't need a lot. And we can just enjoy each other's company, laugh at each other's stupid jokes and stories, and that is refreshing, and that's restoring.

Carol 24:54

So this is good. Ah, we're out of time. So Parents. Lets look what restores you? What rejuvenates you? What gives you energy in your soul, whether it's going and getting something done, or getting away for the weekend, or

Cheryl 25:11

running

Carol 25:12

or just a book for a few minutes. Yeah. By yourself. So look for that. to help bring wholeness and value and worth to you and that spreads through your family.

Ellen 25:24

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah

Cheryl 25:25

Hey, thank y'all so much. This is really good. Yeah. Okay. So parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

25:41

As we come to the end of today's discussion on self-care, I want to thank you for being a part of this journey on the Parenting Podcast with us. Remember, self-care isn't just about indulging in luxury spa days or escaping to the golf course. It's about prioritizing your overall wellbeing. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. So you can show up to be the best parent and the healthiest you. You can be. It's an investment in your children's future as well as your own. So, whether it's a few moments of quiet reflection or engaging in activities that bring you joy, make sure you carve out time for rejuvenation this week. And don't forget to tune in next time where we'll be tackling some specific questions from you all. So what's wrong with my kid? It's gonna be an interesting conversation and I can't wait to have you join us. Remember, you can always reach out to us with your questions or feedback on our website, social media, or contact at theparentingpodcast. com. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other. With compassion and grace.