Helping Kids Find Their Voice—Without Losing Their Heart | Ep. 145

In today’s polarized world, it’s easy to tell kids what to think, but how do you teach them how to think? This episode uncovers strategies for guiding kids to navigate information thoughtfully while maintaining respect for others.

Transcript

0:06

It's one thing when your child asks, Is that real? During a movie. But, what about when it's the news? In a world where the line between real and fake keeps blurring, How do we help our kids know what's true? I'm Cheryl Lang, and today on the Parenting Podcast, we're diving into how to raise kids who can think clearly and act kindly, even in today's divided world. We'll explore strategies to help kids navigate a culture that too often rewards outrage over understanding. If you're aiming for kids with both conviction and compassion, you are in the right place. Let's dive in.

Christie 1:05

So I fell victim to what? I'm an AI victim. Oh no. What happened? They got me. I feel like there's some kind of like WW stance that should go on me. I, I sent my husband a movie trailer the other day and I was like, oh my goodness, I can't believe they're making this movie. And. He was like, I don't think that's real, Christy. I was like, what? Oh, no. And I was like, sure it is. It looks so real. And, and he said, no, he Googled and found out it was an AI. Yeah. The whole video was AI. And I thought it was a real movie trailer about a movie coming out. I mean, it's just like the. The Fool's Walk of Shame. And that's an

Ellen 1:50

innocent

Christie 1:50

thing. Right. At least it didn't cost me thousands of dollars. Right. I

Ellen 1:54

mean that's what we, the three of us have been talking about just in private, how difficult it's becoming for every generation, our generation all the way to our grandchildren's to figure out what's real or not because there isn't an AI buster. Right. You know, it looks so real, it sounds real,

Christie 2:12

yeah,

Cheryl 2:13

and just in my little tiny world, when I'm editing, the brilliant words that just drip from your mouth here on the podcast.

Christie 2:22

Hence the editing. You make us

Cheryl 2:25

smarter than we are. Or you say fizzy, or you're, you meant to say. I'm against it and so if I like it, or whatever it is. And so the editing program I use, y'all, it's like 10 a month. So it's, this is not high level sophisticated at all. Can you

Christie 2:42

follow me around in my real life with AI to edit my words? That's a microchip I might get implanted. It's

Ellen 2:50

available.

Cheryl 2:50

Right. Maybe I should listen more closely. Good thing I trust you. What you just said, trust, I think it is kind of shaking our culture and our world to the core because what can you believe? I mean, if I was there and I heard it or saw it, I can believe it. Other than that, it's tricky.

Ellen 3:13

And what is it? Truth with a little T. Yeah. You know, that's just a really hard thing because well, you can Google something and you'll get 25 answers.

Cheryl 3:22

so this Makes it hard to parent, right? It sure is. And that's where we are. So if you all listened to our last We've kind of jumped a little bit into the cultural situation we find ourselves, particularly with all the polarization and the sides politically and other things going on in our country right now. And instead of Talking about where we think you should stand, what we're trying to do, parents, is talk about how to equip your children well so that you can parent them better because they are going to be grown ups. I mean, I think all the parents would say, we want our children to be well informed. We want them to think wisely and critically and, and to, Uh, live out their values and so we're just using this particular platform right now because it's a mess in our country so I

Ellen 4:13

mean old seasoned people like us are struggling, you know, to go, is that real kids who are just

Christie 4:20

now learning to navigate?

Ellen 4:22

Normal waters, let alone, you

Christie 4:25

know,

Ellen 4:25

tragic waters. Back years ago, I think, on one of our episodes. I might have shared this story. One of our friends was saying his son could not believe that we didn't have vehicles in our space because of Star Wars. He thought that was real. And he and his son, who was probably eight, got into a big discussion and quasi argument because he's trying to convince him, no, no, that's just, that's just, I call it Hollywood magic. You know, but the poor kid was so. In belief that Luke was really in these space vehicles and living on other

Christie 5:01

planets. Well, and that's probably not uncommon to be, I mean, very sad to say that, but it probably does happen quite a bit.

Cheryl 5:09

And now, and let's just say in the political world What do you believe? Where can you go and how about because positions and we were proposing that we should be taking positions and how, okay, so how do we help our children to walk through this? Because it's not that simple. and not as obvious as Luke Skywalker. Okay. And there isn't a Jabba the Hutt. However, it is a mess. Yeah. So let's define that word think critically, because I say that some people think, well, I don't want to be critical. So how would y'all define if we want to help our children to be thinkers and to think critically and wisely about things, what would that be?

Christie 5:47

Well, I think you said the word last time Uh, analytical, and I think that's a good way to say it, is teaching our kids to analyze things, to look at something objectively and take it apart and analyze what the actual components are. What is the person's perspective? What is the source that you're hearing this from? You know. How does this fit into what I believe about that matter?

Cheryl 6:13

So good! So let's go over this. Let's kind of break this down. Just what you said. How would we do that

Ellen 6:19

I think for younger children an easier word than analytically would be questioningly.

Cheryl 6:24

Well,

Christie 6:24

that's great. You know,

Ellen 6:26

make sure that you're

Christie 6:27

teaching Kind of fun to say, too.

Ellen 6:28

Yes. I don't know how he spelled it, but, you know That's really good. Teaching your younger children how to start to question. You know, was there, do you think that really is a real creature called Jabba the Hutt? You know, why do you think he, I mean, I'm being silly on this point, but it's kind of, everybody knows Star Wars isn't real. Right. and

Christie 6:49

I think asking questions that are fun and lighthearted can help kids when you ask more serious ones, not feel like you're criticizing them or, or making them double think things like, Oh, mom's just curious about my thoughts on this. And it creates a pattern.

Cheryl 7:07

That we have a family culture where we do ask questions and that's so wise. Asking good questions is how you learn. Yeah. And that I want my children. Um, even though I think that what I've tried to do and what I believe is right, I want my children to think about it because Even if they ended up agreeing with me 100%, I would want them to own it for themselves. And if they're just rubber stamping, carbon copying, it's not best for them!

Christie 7:37

Well, and I think, you know, that we have to be prepared to, when we do start asking our kids questions, when their answers don't line up with us, practice your face. Yes, your neutral face. You know, look in the mirror and practice your face. Because Just like, you know, we've talked before about we want them to talk about the little things so that they'll talk about the big things and we don't want to be shocked when they ask the things that are hard to answer. Same thing for their answers. They're still figuring things out. So if they have an answer that you wish they didn't have or a thought that you wish that wasn't their opinion on that and you have this like attack face of like, Oh no, you can't. How dare you think that? Yeah. You think they're gonna talk to you about it again?

Ellen 8:19

They go into defense mode and they get adamant about their opinion on it. Or just shut down and not ever tell you again. And

Cheryl 8:25

when I've done that incorrectly, it's because of my identity. That my identity is wrapped up in what I hold important or I think or my beliefs. you know, Fall is the best season of the year, and I believe that, and I want my children to believe, okay, so I know that's silly. Yeah. All right. However, if my identity is attached to that, then when my children question it, which they should, I want them to break it down and figure it out. I am going to struggle!

Christie 8:58

Well, and if your identity is attached to fall being the best season, or your identity is attached to my children thinking exactly the way I think, both of those are, are risks that are. Play out in my

Cheryl 9:09

life. That's exactly right. And so IF I feel shaken by their asking questions Then the question I need to ask myself is is my identity in this Why do I feel shaken?

Ellen 9:22

And then What you want to do, you want to start off young enough, start questioning. If I say, you know, fall is my favorite season. Hey, what's yours? Oh, that's good. See, then they get to give, even at a young age, they can say, I love winter and I love snow. Yes, that's practicing some differentiation for them to start having different opinions.

Christie 9:43

I love

Ellen 9:43

that. Especially on neutral things. You know, because that's the start of laying that foundation. We can talk about anything, start with neutral things. You know, can even like You said it could be a movie that you saw together or a cartoon like, Oh, you think that lady's voice is really funny in the cartoon. What do you think? It might sound dumb, but it's a star,

Christie 10:02

right? And I think for me, it can sometimes feel, especially when my kids were young, it would feel scary on the big thing to let them have that space. But what I've found is that just builds respect. Yeah. And now as they've gotten older, they've They have respect for my opinions. They don't always agree with them, but they do want to hear, Mom, what do you think about this? I mean, I was driving here and my daughter call me and said, Hey can I get your opinion on something? And I can only imagine it's because of some of those conversations I've given her some freedom. I mean,

Cheryl 10:37

that's really the fruit of what we would like. Yeah. Is to stay in their life and be an influence. And, You know, I loved that you said, Oh, what do you think? And then the next step of those questions, why? You know, why do you feel like that? But it's got to be a safe place, we want to be a safe place for all the dialogue.

10:55

Yeah.

Cheryl 10:55

Because. I want to be involved in how my children are thinking and where they are, so I can, uh, be an influence, be a voice in their life. Like your daughter, your daughter's already grown, but she's saying, Mom, what do you think?

Ellen 11:09

And it starts on the very little things. You know, I can think of how many times when my kids were little, they would say, I don't I don't like bananas. And I go, we got to eat them anyways. You know, rather than probe, it doesn't mean that they don't have to eat it. But rather than probe, well, what was, what don't you like about a banana that gives them an ability to starting defining why they don't like it. It can't be why I just don't like them. Well, explain to me, what is it about a banana? Are they too sweet? Are they too mushy? You know, and letting them feel safe that they have a voice even at a younger age. Now they may need to eat the banana. You know, because that's not the issue. But sometimes just being able to express why they don't like something makes all the difference in the

Christie 11:50

world. And, you know, I have to practice my face and my voice sometimes. My response sometimes wants to be, why in the world would you say that? Why in the world would you think that? And, yeah, tone is everything. It sure is,

Cheryl 12:07

and one of the things I had to say early on with my kids, because I help them a lot with their academics and their learning, I'd ask them a question, they go, Mom, I don't know what answer you want. I'm asking your opinion. Yeah. And so I had to start saying, y'all, when we discuss opinions, there isn't a right or wrong, you know. I have my opinion because I think it's right, but let's find out, let's talk about it. I really want to hear what you think of that. And the people

Ellen 12:32

pleasing children,

Cheryl 12:33

we have to be very sensitive

Ellen 12:34

because they're looking at your face and your body language. Am I giving my mom the answer she wants to hear? Right. And the non people pleasing kids, you'll already know. Right. But you

Christie 12:45

know. You knew when they were. Yes, exactly.

Cheryl 12:48

One of the things, asking questions that's linked to that is like being informed. Um, because, um, like if you're having a debate or if you believe in taking sides on something, if you're informed, you can really blow the other person out of the water because you have more information like if you think of, um, going into court, If you go into court. And one side actually has all the information, they're going to win. Yeah. Right. And the other person goes, do you have any witnesses? No, we don't have any witnesses. We have nothing to say. I always watch judge shows.

Ellen 13:22

I love Judge Judy, Judy Justice. Oh, I love those shows. But one of the first things you notice is who comes in with the most paperwork. Oh. Comes ready with an answer, yeah. You know, so it sounds kind of silly, but it,

Christie 13:35

it's sort of true. Are you prepared? Well, and then that circles us back around where we started, as far as helping our kids know how to collect valid information. Yes. And, and sort through Yes. You know, I remember one of my kids took a journalism class, and they had a really great graphic, and I'm sure there's good ones out there, and it had all of the logos for all the media sources. And it was, where they fell in their bias. on a spectrum who was, you know, more in the center, who was left and right.

14:04

Yeah.

Christie 14:04

And it was just really helpful because no matter what your opinions and your, your views on things are, it's good to know your source and where they're standing when they communicate. And then teach your kids how to analyze a news article, if it's a valid news source or not.

Cheryl 14:20

I really like that. Or, you know, they talk about misinformation versus disinformation. Have y'all ever heard about that? You know, cause misinformation is presenting something without bad intent they're just wrong they're just a mistake, but disinformation is Intentionally slanting or presenting something. Yeah with Um, with the purpose of covering up. Misleading. Misleading. Do you think there's any

Christie 14:44

of that in an election yet? No.

Cheryl 14:47

I found several news sources on that, uh, media bias chart you talked about that were more centrist.

14:53

Yeah.

Cheryl 14:54

And so I like to, read some of those, listen to some of that, and I don't have time to do it deep in depth, but it's given me sources to look and say, wow, that's a These people have come out with all caps, bold, they say this, but somebody's saying something else. these are irreconcilable. I need to find out what's really

Ellen 15:15

true. That's the luxury we have in our country, that you can pop in and you can find your conservative news. You can read the headlines off that. You can go to the most liberal. That's what I do. I have both ends of the spectrum. Right. I can make up my own mind. I'm old enough. And, um, but it's helpful because this news agency reported this way. This did it a different way. And you're like, hmm, that's really interesting. Yes, I know both of their biases. So somewhere in the middle, you're going to probably work out the

Christie 15:43

truth. Right. I get an email that tells what the left thinks about a matter and what the right thinks about a matter. That's really good.

Cheryl 15:49

What's the

Christie 15:50

name of it? Uh, it's called the flip side. Oh. Flip side. And so it tells you what both sides are saying in different places. And then, and you know, there are times where you read the side you don't normally listen to. And you learn something. And you're like, Oh, I actually agree with that side. Yeah. And so we can all learn something from one another.

Cheryl 16:07

But you have to be humble enough and vulnerable enough to be able to do that. Mm hmm. And to look at multiple sources and to say, okay, kids, is there a difference between these two presentations? Like, now let's just say the state of the union. If you watch the state of the union and you see one presentation and then whoever the follow up is, the opposing party you would think that they weren't even on the same planet. Did

Christie 16:34

you watch the same thing I did? Yeah. Every time, no matter who the president is. It doesn't matter. Wow.

Cheryl 16:40

What a wonderful thing to show your children. Think about things wisely. Don't get sucked in and let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it.

Ellen 16:49

Yeah. And let's not get so opinionated. I think that's an exhausting place to be. I think in an, in an era where we have so much information coming in, I 90 90 percent of it, I'm just saying, I'm, this is my opinion, 90 percent of it's just minutiae. And we need to be able to be critical thinkers enough to say, this is important, I need to know about it. Yeah. Because otherwise you just get inundated with so many things you're like, I don't, I don't even know anymore what's going on. Right. And so having some things that you feel very comfortable with and. Not feeling like you have to have an opinion on everything, you know, cuz sometimes I like oh, it's that's my friend. That is an opinion

Cheryl 17:36

But I heard from someone else and I thought it was so wise because particularly with social media it just takes One tap and you can send it out to everybody. Yes, and one of the things I Maybe we should consider it as parents, but certainly kids let's fact check it and make sure it's true before we share That's right, you know and just slow down. Yeah, and let's find out because We want to be responsible citizens of our country and our world.

Christie 18:06

Well, and I think that's good, too, even in real life conversations. Oh, that's good. Before we repeat something.

Ellen 18:12

Right. Sure. And more facts. And I've found myself lately saying this a lot. Interesting. I'll have to think more about that before I have an opinion on that. Because it's instinctive to think I need to respond to that right now. I just heard someone say that. Well yeah, I got it from someone else. So it might have been the person

Cheryl 18:33

that

Ellen 18:33

you both listened to the same

Cheryl 18:35

podcast. But no, this was like a human being. Okay. This was a human being. In real life. You talk to people in real life. Not even virtual. Not pixels. Saying they have realized. They were so fast to feel they need a people pleaser that needed to respond and give a lot of feedback to the other person and said, you know, I could just say, that's really interesting. Let me think about it before I respond. And I would say, parents, that is so valuable to carry around in your home. You don't have to have the answer for everything. In fact, your children aren't going to respect you if you act like you're the source of wisdom for everything. Right. Eventually, they will find out that you aren't perfect. Yes. And you don't know everything. And then it brings everything into question. Right. And so I think that humility like that, you know, that's very interesting. Let me think about it before I respond to it.

Christie 19:31

Well, and it, it models, first of all, just you're living it for yourself, which is the most important. But it also is setting an example for your kids to have a growth mindset. And having a growth mindset doesn't mean you don't stand firm on your own values. You can stand firm on your current beliefs and still listen and grow. And I think, gosh, if I were the same person I was when I was 25, I mean, I don't want that to happen. I'm so glad it didn't. And I wouldn't want my kids to be who I was when I was 25 either. And so, you know, If I'm not consistently growing and listening and trying to evolve and change with, you know, maturity and new information, then it's not going to be good for any of us.

Cheryl 20:20

And to be open minded doesn't mean you're clueless. Or you don't have firmly held beliefs, but you're willing to listen. And I love growth mindset, and I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again to you parents. That I have been astounded that my children, at the ages they are, they respect me for a lot of things. But the point is, They really do. And I'm honored. I have a good relationship with my kids. However, the thing all of them are in complete agreement about is they respect me for my growth mindset and

20:55

that

Cheryl 20:55

I'm willing to listen And I actually will adjust how I view something or or my position because I'm actually listening. Yeah. And even if we disagree across the board, they just say, I respect this so much in you that you would actually listen to me. And I'm your child. And you have, like you're saying, I'm your child. They're 25 or 35, and that I, at my age, I'm listening to them. So parents, this actually builds your relationship with your children. It builds your credibility with them, that you're willing to be open and listen. And it just shows great wisdom besides loving people well.

Christie 21:36

Really good, Cheryl. I just think I've learned so much of that from you, from watching you, and you know my, my adult kids are just behind your adult kids, and I'm just behind you, and I, um, I'm just grateful for your example in that and, and you know, when I'm 70, I want to still be growing too. And I think I've seen that in my kids as they're, you know, moving through into adulthood more and more inching that way that they are growing I

Ellen 22:06

can

Christie 22:06

guarantee I've not always been that way. And I still have

Ellen 22:09

areas I am that

Christie 22:10

I'm not there yet. And I wish, what I wish I would have done instead of acting out of fear that my kids, you know, that I didn't have all the answers and say all the things before they leave my house at 18, I wish I would have just, you know, Relaxed and engaged in things with them more. Yes. You know, sat and listened to a news story with them or when they came and told me something they heard. Let's, let's listen to that together and talk about it more and process together. Or they read a book or a

Cheryl 22:40

teacher told them something, or again, politics, whatever you want to do. I think the core word you said was fear.

Christie 22:47

Yeah, you know,

Cheryl 22:48

a lot of people are taking sides and they're tribling up and it's us against them because they're so afraid

Christie 22:55

or wanting to just Protect them and put them in little bubbles and not let them listen to any of the bad stuff, you know? And obviously age appropriateness. Yeah. But there were so many things I was like, oh, can we just pretend that's not happening? Yeah, But doing it together, engaging those worlds together.

23:13

Yes.

Christie 23:14

With the growth mindset, it, I think, would have been a better way to approach a lot of those things.

Cheryl 23:19

Because that's the releasing process. Mm hmm. Yeah. I want you equipped. I would love for you to see everything from my viewpoint. Right. I wish the whole world agreed with me. Yeah, of course. You know, because we're right. Right. Except for Ellen's on. But it's the releasing process, because we really But I do want them to be thinking, loving adults, and that they are open to learning new things. And that maybe if we have grandchildren, that they will also be Replicate this, role modeling it. And

Ellen 23:51

maybe you weren't

Cheryl 23:52

given

Ellen 23:52

that. No, I wasn't. You know, so that's something that you can start putting into practice, maybe even before you start with your own kids, is how do I critically think? And challenge yourself every day. To say, okay, I'm going to look at this short little article on this and I'm going to kind of be critical about it, meaning where did it come from, what's the source, why do I believe it, do I believe it because it agrees with my point of view, or is it really worth believing in,

24:18

did

Ellen 24:19

they present it in a way that made me change my mind, and so as you practice within yourself, Work with your loved one, then you can kind of go to your children, starting at a young age even, you know, why did you like that cartoon character? Yeah. Or why did you like that kids movie? What was good and bad?

Christie 24:37

And the truth is, no matter, Where on the circle and spectrum, or however you're measuring it, what side you're standing on, nobody is getting it all right. That's good. Like nobody on the spectrum is getting everything right. We can all learn and grow and and we think we have it all, you know, we're joking here, wanting, saying we want everyone to agree with us, but it's just simply not. the case. I don't even agree with myself half the time. And so, yeah, just exposing ourselves to two different ways of thinking. It's always wise.

Cheryl 25:14

But when you were exposing and thinking critically and evaluating is the word. Is this a reliable person? Does this is in keeping with my core values, right? i've never considered thinking like this before. That's good.

Ellen 25:26

I was thinking when you were saying something about a circle, and then immediately, because I'm a visual person, I saw a circle with people all gathered around the circle. And everyone has their opinion on something, but if we stay in a circle, Because that's our common bond as humans. We can look across and say, Christy has a really different idea than I do, but she's still in my circle. And I can think about it. That's beautiful, Ellen. I'm going to cry.

Cheryl 25:52

Oh, what a great picture for us to wrap up on this. Needless to say, we are the world now. We're going to sway. Let's put flowers

Christie 26:01

in

Cheryl 26:01

our hair. That's what happens when you have a visual thinker but it really is true. Because if you have the core value. of valuing and loving others. We do want to do like this, even when we completely disagree. Fantastic. Thank you all so much. Yes. All righty. Parents, hang in there. Keep loving. Keep persevering because it's worth it.

26:28

Today we tackled the tough task of raising kids who can stand firm while still staying open-hearted. It's all about teaching them to discern what's real, think deeply, and respond with respect even when others don't remember the power of pausing before reacting, listening before debating and respecting even in a disagreement. So, what's one small way you can model this in your own conversations this week? It could be as simple as pausing to ask, Why do you think that? Remember, it's not about perfection. It's about being present. Let us know your thoughts or questions on social media or at contact at parentingpodcast. com. You are building a foundation of trust and respect one day at a time. Keep going because what you're doing matters. Today we tackled the tough task of raising kids who can stand firm while still staying open-hearted. It's all about teaching them to discern what's real, think deeply, and respond with respect even when others don't remember the power of pausing before reacting, listening before debating and respecting even in a disagreement. So, what's one small way you can model this in your own conversations this week? It could be as simple as pausing to ask, Why do you think that? Remember, it's not about perfection. It's about being present. Let us know your thoughts or questions on social media or at contact at parentingpodcast. com. You are building a foundation of trust and respect one day at a time. Keep going because what you're doing matters.