Beyond the Mom or Dad Badge: Reclaiming Yourself | Ep. 149

Being a parent is part of who you are, but it’s not all of who you are. In this episode, we explore how to step back from the pressures of parenting to reconnect with your own identity. Join us as we discuss practical steps for separating your worth from your kids’ actions and embracing the person you were created to be.

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

We pour so much of ourselves into parenting. Our time, our energy, our hearts. And while it's a labor of love, Sometimes we wake up and realize we've poured out so much that we've kind of lost sight of ourselves. I'm Cheryline, your host, and today on the Parenting Podcast, we're exploring the balance of giving your all to your kids while holding on to the person you were created to be. What does it look like to parent with love? And still live with purpose beyond parenting. Let's take that journey together.

Cheryl 1:02

Well, good afternoon. I am so glad we're back in here recording. Yes. Because I love the subject that we started on last time, which is, for those of you that, uh, don't remember what happened last week. Yes.

Christie 1:16

Remind me, Cheryl. Thanksgiving ate our lunch. Yes. That's the

Cheryl 1:20

truth. So, I know because I have it on my calendar. We talked about our identity as parents and how we tend to get it from being a parent rather than from being an individual. And so, last time, you know, we didn't get any further than say, this is a struggle. It is a problem. That it's everywhere. Right. And we all struggle with it. And then what we want to do today is to say, okay, yeah, we talked about why it's hard. So what would we suggest?

Christie 1:51

Right. Yeah. I mean, I had three of my four girls together for the holiday and we were just talking and one of them asked if I'd seen a certain rom com movie from the early 2000s and I just looked at her thinking, no, I was too busy. Yeah. Yeah. nursing you and getting you to stay in your bed and, you know, that I didn't see any, I don't know, any pop culture from the early 2000s. I know no songs that were out or movies. And so apparently it is all consuming. It's hard to not make your whole identity. I know,

Cheryl 2:20

like, like, Pop culture stuff, see, mine's before yours, you go 90s, and I go, I have no idea who did that.

Christie 2:28

You're like, I know who the president was, and that's about it. Yeah,

Ellen 2:32

I kind of remember that. I can remember military events. Because they were your life events. Yes, exactly. There's a military wife, oh, gotta go over here. These people are acting up. Oh goodness.

Cheryl 2:44

But, you know, I did the New York Times crossword puzzle. Okay. Just up to Friday. I can't get any further than that

Christie 2:51

because they get harder.

Cheryl 2:54

They ask these kind of pop culture questions and you know, who had number one rap song in 1994 But boy, if they came out in the 80s and 90s, I have no idea who it is. You know. There's no way. I'm going to have to look that up or. Uh huh. Have him to or

Ellen 3:07

ask a kid. Right.

Cheryl 3:10

That's true. Alright, the way we got into this topic, identity is parents send us questions. Mm-hmm Okay. So here's one. Um how do you balance loving your kids deeply, yet maintaining a sense of self? Oh

Christie 3:26

gosh. I mean, that is the struggle. Like we said, parenting is all consuming. When you're in the midst of it, whether you have one or twelve, you're giving your all. Anyone that, you know, wants to put their all into it, it's hard to sort out where I end and they begin and how we're going to live under the same roof and get all the things done but still take care of myself.

Cheryl 3:51

Yeah, particularly attachment is an extremely important priority, right, that parents and children should have it right. Really, kind of defines healthiness inside of a person is being well attached to an adult when you're little. And the problem was for me, that attachment, I kind of make that important and I don't bring in the balance of independence for both of us, you know, because when I wasn't balanced, Pulled away and started being more independent. I felt like I was losing them. Right. And that wonderful balance. How do we do that? How do we get a balance where we can go, go be independent? Start pulling away and differentiating.

Ellen 4:39

is you. Right.

Cheryl 4:40

Okay, so Ellen, how do we help parents see how to do that?

Ellen 4:44

Well, I think it's, it is a struggle. I know, um, it's hard Because all of our lives, over a lifetime, we're going to be in different circumstances, different places, different things, where we adapt, There's a core of it that will remain the same, and that's kind of what we're talking about. But maybe the way we live it out looks a little different because you're with one group over here or one group. As a military wife. You know, you're always adapting

5:11

as you go from

Ellen 5:11

base to base, people to people, group to group, and you're asked to do different things depending on the rank of your husband, all those kind of things.

Cheryl 5:19

Okay, but I'm listening to you and knowing the person that you are. Is that actually your identity changing, or you're being adaptable in your relationships and you love different people different ways and you interact in different way, but your Your core identity is your values of who you are. And you want that to be solid.

Ellen 5:38

And that's what you have to know who you are in order to be adaptable. Otherwise you wind up feeling pressured, or you wind up feeling insecure because you go into different situations and you feel either better than or less than. So

Cheryl 5:52

actually what, You're saying is get your core identity from your values and who you really are Yes, and not from your presentation or the group or as you moved in a different group,

Ellen 6:04

right? Yeah, I had to have external things be different about how I related to people I see but also if you If you get your identity, say from your children, well, that can be a day to day Bummer, today you're the best mom in the world, and the other days no one

Christie 6:20

wants to talk to you, depending Right. You know, and well, yeah. And they, they are growing day by day, changing moods and ages and needs, and you are growing day by day. And I, I know for me as a young mom, I had, you know, my kids really young. Uhhuh, I was 19 when I started having kids. So a lot of people are in their twenties when they're having their kids, right? Yeah. You don't even know who you are. You're just trying to figure out and so if you throw a newborn in the mix, it makes it really challenging to find that, um, that core to hold on to, like you're talking about. So

Cheryl 6:55

what I'm listening to y'all saying, thinking about parents listening to us, that you would say, go to your core. Your core values go to that and then figure out

Ellen 7:07

what

Cheryl 7:07

they are

Ellen 7:08

for figure

Cheryl 7:08

that out And then let that be who you are instead of being bombarded from the outside whether it's a political group or religious Anything. Yeah, whatever it is. You move to a conservative group and go right. Oh, well, I can't wear these clothes I have to be this right Whatever it is, that you are being battered around, um, instead of figuring out, this is who I am, that that's worth the time, that I need to spend time on, this is my core value of who I am, now how to present that. And

Ellen 7:41

I think people get confused. Because what really what we're trying to help people to do is how do I figure out who I am? Yeah, that's so true. And one of the things you can do is write a list of all the things you care about. Oh, that's true. It doesn't have to be 50 pages. You know, the top 5 10 things you care about because that's gonna kind of reveal your identity Mm hmm, you know Even if they're things like I love to cook right? Well, then you have a deeper thing. It's I like to nourish my family I care about nutrition That's good. That's a really important value to me. So therefore I I'm not going to drive my kids through fast foods unless it's absolutely necessary, because I'd rather go home and make them something. Right. And that can evolve during different

Cheryl 8:25

seasons. It might look differently. Yes. And it's really good, Ellen, because this is a very good example of how the presentation can be different from the core value.

Christie 8:35

Yeah.

Cheryl 8:36

Because I valued nutrition for my children, also That was a big priority I spent my whole life in the kitchen. However, the presentation is different from the two of you. You liked very fancy and having a roux base and more elaborate presentation all of that. And I was concerned about the nutrition and being able to get it to you. to my children, and particularly, I had a very limited budget both time and money and how could I feed them well and do all that? So our core value was the same, but the presentation was very different, but the old me would have taken a lot of condemnation,

9:17

because if I had

Cheryl 9:18

walked into your kitchens and seen your cookies Christie, when you do your cookie thing, or your presentation, and Ellen you've tied the rosemary into little bows around the edge of the beef wellinton, you know, and each scoop of the butter is a this. I got this from Italy when we were there and it's all of that sort of thing where I'm going, Oh, I'm really glad to have the butter out of the wrapper on a paper plate, um, which is what we're talking about. Look, uh, get that core value of who you are. And then figure out how you're going to present it. And I think

Ellen 9:52

you brought up a really good point, because what you're talking about is comparing. Yeah, that's good. And that is the killer of our identity. Right. Because when I look at somebody else and I'm like, gosh, they always look perfect. And I always look like I just came out of a whirlwind, you know? And they always exercise I can't even say the word, you know,

Christie 10:11

so, well, and it's not just comparing to our peers, but comparing to maybe your own mother or your own grandmother or, you know, another family member in your past or, or an influencer or someone you've imagined that phantom mom, we talk about the standard you set for yourself that I don't want to be like so and so, so I'm going to determine to be this way.

Cheryl 10:34

You talked about. Figuring out your core values, an exercise that somebody who works with people kind of counseling And they had me do an exercise one time and it was really helpful. And we drew a large circle and then a medium sized circle inside of that and then a smaller circle in the very center and said, okay, on the outside circle, write three things that you were given. For example, I have blue eyes. I was the second oldest. I was born in the South. And then the next one is three things you chose. So I chose to marry Bill, whatever, And then the inside is three core values. And that kind of helped me, uh, Um, determined between what's a value and what's something else but that was really helpful for me to limit and name those three core values. And in fact, for me personally, I kind of had one, I go, well, that's not a core value. And we talked through it till I got down, Oh, I realized security was a core value of mine. Wow. Yeah. And then in particular, because of widowhood with my children, um, I was kind of taken away. I can't tell whether that security. And so that was a core value before that yeah. So that was a really helpful exercise. If anybody wants to use it.

Christie 11:51

I think the other piece to remember in all of this is that you are an individual, like we're saying, but also that your kids are individuals, especially as they grow into those preteen and teen years, they may not have the same core values as you. Maybe you value efficiency and they do not, or maybe you value meaningful time together. They're more introverted and they don't necessarily need as much connectedness as you do. It's hilarious that

Cheryl 12:17

you said efficiency because Somebody very close to me when we're doing this. Efficiency was a core value. Okay. I like being efficient, but it would never be a core value for me. We are so different. Right. So it is really interesting that that's where we have to differentiate and allow our children to be themselves and we are secure in our identity allowing them to develop. And one of the things I had to be careful about not doing is saying, Oh, yeah, well, Joanna, you always, or, you know, you're the one who really likes to have things done this way And I didn't realize I thought it was just putting words to what they manifested. And then in later years, I found out that they felt very boxed in, that I was labeling them with an identity. Because as kids,

Christie 13:10

they're just trying stuff on all the time.

Ellen 13:12

You were trying to help them have words for it.

Cheryl 13:14

Yes. And they told me, no, mom, I always felt the pressure because if you have, if One that likes things organized, you're going to have one that doesn't like things organized. Or, for example, one who you're doing, uh, Christmas crafts, one has 10 of them done, and the other one's just organizing the second one. And so I had to learn, being careful that what I said was not a label, so that that became their identity. Yeah. And they're learning their identities. Yes. And that's the other hard part. Right. You know, especially in the teen years, in their early twenties, and it may not always agree with, it might feel like rebellion. I mean, sometimes it is, but it might feel like really rebellion because they're going so against what we thought was a value that we had. Or personal rejection. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Mm hmm. Yes. And so we have to be careful are they just trying to find out who they are? Are they just trying to, to identify their own identity? Mm hmm. And in the, in the In the process, it may look like they're rejecting our identity because they don't want to do it that way. see, this is a core reason for us as parents to fight for what we're talking about. Yeah. Where we have our own individuality and Our core values and, and who we are. So when they do reject us, right? Yeah. Or like, I heard one recently, to one of my children you've ruined my life. Yes. Yeah. Uhhuh. Yeah. and when you hear all of that. If your identity is wrapped up in it, that's just a dive bomb, I'm ruined.

Christie 14:45

Or even if they don't reject, I've shared here and shared with you guys, we're, I'm hitting this phase of empty nesting and they're not rejecting me necessarily, but they're moving on with their lives. And so I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs wondering, Oh yeah, what was I going to be when I grew up? Who am I? I forget. And so, yeah, it's, it's, it's, An inevitable thing for all parents to eventually be in this position.

Ellen 15:09

And that's why I said it was evolving. Mm hmm. Because you have to look at yourself, Christy, a little differently now. Because it's you and your husband. Right. And, you know, you have good relationships with your girls. But, you know, You're not in the center of their life anymore. Yeah. And you're not able to say, I don't think you should do it that way. Right.

Christie 15:28

and it would be a really heavy burden for me to make them feel like I need to be, you know, that that's not what they need in their adult life. They need to live their life and know it gives them security knowing that I have a life of my own. I've seen that in them recently where they're like, yeah. Mom, I'm so glad you're doing that. That looks like you're really enjoying that part of your life now and it feels freer for them to see that I'm enjoying

Cheryl 15:54

my life. I would confirm and affirm that because that's what my kids keep coming back to me and saying, Mom, we're so proud of you. Look at you. You know, you're, you're doing a podcast. You're doing this, you're starting this new hobby you're going and doing and then, but then they get frustrated. That's great. Oh, you're not going to stay home and babysit? Right. Oh, you're not fixing all the meals so we can come over and eat? No, no, no. This is part of my new job. That's where the boundaries come back in. There we go. There we go. Y'all, this is so good. what are some more steps? Can you help, like if parents are going to get, can you give us some more ideas for how we can redefine our self and our identity within parenting, but separate from our children and separate from being a parent

Ellen 16:38

have some things you like to do for you I always made sure that um, I was either taking a class not academic stress So good, but you know like crafting class and you know And that would mean I'd be gone for an hour a week learning something and I made a space for me so that I could do my creative stuff. I always read a lot because that was something I also could do that didn't necessarily bother anyone or take away for anyone. Um, I was never very good about exercising or walking, but there's a lot of personal things that you enjoy and that should be on that list that you write out. What are the things I enjoy? Oh, that's good. And depending on the ages of your kid. Pick at least one and try to cultivate that later on down the road. You can have the next one in the next one. now my husband didn't always appreciate my sci fi interest. To each his own. Nobody can carry that burden. Very many people appreciate that. I have a few grandkids now that appreciate, some grand boys that will talk about sci fi. Well. Yeah. Again.

Cheryl 17:38

I like good sci fi because of you. So you introduced me to it, and I go, if you ever come across good sci fi, not the whale from space. Yes. Uh, one of the other things that would have been helpful to me is if I redefined what I thought success in parenting is. Excellent. Because young, uh, I thought it was accomplishment. I thought it was events. I Or how

Ellen 18:07

your children turned out.

Cheryl 18:08

And how your children turned out. Instead of this is a process. Yes. And success is not just my children, but me growing and one of the things I would say in success for me is Becoming such a great apologizer. I mean I had to do it recently Something I had some tangled up Um, emotions inside of me, because if you're in a relationship with people and family, emotions can run high and you get a lot of people in a small space or whatever. And I had some tangled emotions, and I didn't leave and process them, and they kind of jumped out of my mouth. And I'm so thankful because I had one of my children come and say, Mom, I want to talk to you about this. And it was really, really excellent, uh, hard truth. And I heard it.

18:59

Yeah.

Cheryl 18:59

And so I said, You are right. And so I went back and I apologized. Yeah. But if my Identity had been trying to prove.

19:08

Here

Cheryl 19:09

I am, the wise grandmother and mother and, you know, I do a parenting podcast. I can't make a mistake. If I were still wrapped up in all of that, I would have blown this completely. And instead, I role modeled for them. You know, success is becoming a better person and becoming a better person is listening to when other people speak truth and being willing to say, I was wrong, would you forgive me? It's very good. And it was really sweet because the grandchildren that were there just said, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Ellen 19:41

But you knew

Christie 19:41

where

Ellen 19:41

your

Christie 19:41

heart

Ellen 19:42

was. I that's what my oldest son one time said. To, uh, his son. Um, that's not the same woman that raised him. Is that when you did the

Cheryl 19:52

right thing,

Ellen 19:53

you mean? He was saying it like You've grown and matured and changed. Yeah, that's what I meant. I. Right. It was just kind of a funny moment because, you know, the grandkids all think I'm wonderful. Uh huh. But, you know, your kids don't always think that well, and you're not the

Christie 20:06

same person you were when you were 30. And it's easy to

Ellen 20:09

be grandma. That's easy. Right.

Cheryl 20:10

Right. Right. he didn't say, Wow, boy, do I respect who you've become, and you're more humble, and you're kinder, and you're more graceful, and you're a giving person, and you've gotten your anger under control. He didn't say all that. He did it like that, saying, Wow, Mom. Right. He inferred it to his son, like, you have a really nice grandma, but that wasn't really

20:32

my mom.

Christie 20:34

I heard somebody recently talking about if you were to hire someone to come and take care of your kids or say you you had a surrogate mother to carry your baby, you would want that person to eat well, take care of themselves, and Have their own life, like you would want them to be in the best tip top shape,

20:55

but we don't

Christie 20:55

do that for ourselves as a parent. I thought that was a really good way to look at things and realize, okay, healthy, wise self care is not selfish. It is you know, taking care of the person that wants to do the best job as a parent and serve the people around me. And so in order to do that, I need to be in my best shape. You know, I'm not talking physical shape necessarily, but everything, emotional health and mental health and, and it was just a really good, because like I've said here, I was not good at this. I, I was just, it felt neglectful. It felt indulgent. And so I was just, you know, martyred motherhood was the holiest of motherhoods in my mind. And I ran myself ragged lots of times where I wasn't giving my best to my kids because I was maxed out. Yeah.

Cheryl 21:40

Yeah. Well, the principle of flourishing is. When you flourish, everybody around you that touches you flourishes better

Ellen 21:47

Yeah

Cheryl 21:48

When you go down the drain, it's like, Everybody around you is sucked down with you. So, I agree with you. I wasn't healthier like that. And I wish I had known that when mine were little. Mm hmm to take

Ellen 22:00

care of ourselves, right? And don't be hard on yourselves especially when your kids are are young Yeah, or teenagers a little more complicated So don't be hard on yourself if you feel like you can't do everything But pick one thing you can do off your list that would help you with your identity And just pursue that when you get to In the middle years, you might have a little bit more time, and then the teenage years take up a lot of emotional time. So, you know, you're evolving just like they are but you want to hold on to the core of who you think you are. Right. The

Christie 22:30

goal isn't to heap shame on yourself that you're not doing it well, but I think I've shared here before, but I'll say it again, I remember a really, really challenging time in our family, and I ran into you, Cheryl, and you challenged me to just walk out my front door. and walk down the road for seven minutes and turn around and walk back for seven. It was like a 15 minute walk once a day. And that felt impossible when you told me that, but it made all the difference. So sometimes it can just be something very small. That's good.

Cheryl 22:57

Well, in fact, one of the things we want to celebrate small wins because it's a big deal. Big success. All of that that's touted. That's when things are events, you know, like Taylor Swift comes to town. That's an event. And it has a beginning and an end. And this is relationships. Parenting is a long term thing. And it's a journey. Sustainable. That's exactly right. And then instead of perfection that we're trying to grow and change and flourish. let's celebrate the small wins. Wow. I'm doing this better this week than I did last month or last year.

Christie 23:35

And celebrate them in your kids. I'll go back to that. I'm just celebrating their independence, even when it rubs your values a little bit or you bump into each other. But celebrating your kids being individuals and. You know, I, I think last episode I talked a lot about, you know, with girls, it was a lot of how they dressed and you know, the styles they would get into. I just had to let all of that go and, um, let them have some individuality. But it might not always be appearance. It might be other things that feel like the Thanksgiving table can feel controversial with extended family, if that's what you're talking about. If certain things are not accepted as widely as you'd like for them to be, but embracing that and celebrating those things in your kids is, is helpful in them being individuals. And

Ellen 24:21

when you know who you are, It does make you a better parent because you don't have to spin your wheels doing all these other things Then you're teaching your sons and daughters. You're teaching what qualities to look for In a person you know and Oh, these are the qualities that I appreciated in my mom Yeah, no, they're not going to say that probably till they're adults, but you know,

Cheryl 24:42

maybe 40

Ellen 24:42

or 50

Cheryl 24:43

It's filed away right and they're watching and learning okay. We are out of time again. Oh, I know, I had so much, look, we have so much to say. Okay. But one thing we haven't really specifically said is community.

24:58

Yeah.

Cheryl 24:58

And we know right now, loneliness.

25:01

Yeah. Is epidemic. On every

Cheryl 25:04

age, on every level in our country. And so I think being an good solid community. Right. That supports you and walks with you is an integral part having a good identity and and enriches

Ellen 25:18

you. Right. It certainly does. You know, because you want that community to be positive and It could maybe challenge you, your friends in your community, but you don't want them to bring you down. Right. And that's where you got to cut out the comparison stuff. But I think that that's really important because we have just Like Cheryl was saying, we just have this world of really depressed people here we live in America and we have a lot of good stuff, and we have huge depression and aloness, And I think though, the internet has added to that, but if you get on there and you see all these people doing stuff and go, Oh, I can't do that or I don't have the money to do that. I don't have the time, you know, but then you can always on the flip side, go look at all the Karens. And for those of you who don't know what a Karen is, you can Google it,

Cheryl 26:04

but what we're saying is, Don't let your community be all virtual, right? Yes, start and begin small get good solid community One of the ways we

Christie 26:16

flourish right having one person in your life. Yeah Looks for your best interest and and you can say the hard things You don't want to hear all the time, and you can do that for them is, is priceless. It is.

Cheryl 26:29

Okay, I'm going to close this with what you just said and I have tears in my eyes, you know, Ellen and I have been friends forever. Yeah. And a few weeks ago, she pulled me aside and spoke some hard truth to me about something she saw I recognized it, but I couldn't verbalize it. And you spoke such great truth to me and I listened and I heard it. And because of our track record of relationship and trust with each other and trust we have with each other, it really was great. And actually it was about a boundary I needed to draw, and it affected my core identity and how I see myself So Ellen, thank you for role modeling what we're talking about here. We've got to go. But parents, there's so much to say here. Our, wish and hope for you is that. we have equipped you and brought you ideas so that you can love your children well, yet develop your own individual personality, your own hopes and dreams separate from them, because that will make you the best parent So hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it. Yes.

Speaker 2 27:51

You're already juggling so much as a parent, so here's what I hope you remember. You are more than what you do for your kids. Or how they respond. You're a person with dreams, strengths, and with a story that's still unfolding. This week, ask yourself one question. What brings me joy? Just for me. It could be a simple act of self care. or revisiting something you've set aside for too long. I've walked this road too, struggling to entangle my worth from my children's actions or others opinions. It's not easy. But each step towards seeing yourself as more than just a parent is a step worth taking. And if today's conversation stirred something in you, I'd love to hear about it. Email me at contact at theparentingpodcast. com or send us a message over social media. You're not alone in this. And together at TPP, we can navigate what it means to parent well while holding on to ourselves. Parenting is part of your journey, but it's not your destination. You matter beyond all the roles you play. Let's keep growing together.