Chat with Cheryl: Closing the Gap with Adult Kids | Ep. 150

As children grow into adulthood, the dynamics of your relationship naturally evolve. This episode delves into effective ways to navigate these changes, emphasizing the importance of boundaries and mutual respect. Discover how to sustain meaningful connections without overstepping.

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Parenting Podcast. I'm Cheryl Lane, and today we're kind of switching things up with a fresh new format. I'll be addressing your questions and sharing my thoughts on subjects you've been asking about. Thanks To kick things off, I'll be discussing the complexities of maintaining strong relationships with our adult children. So, whether you're enjoying a quiet moment or tuning in on the go, I'm glad you're here to join the conversation.

Christie 0:50

Cheryl, my friend who feels like a stranger. We have been gone from one another so much lately.

Cheryl 0:58

I mean, we have not been able to record. Gosh, weeks. Maybe six weeks. Yeah. Because

Christie 1:06

Mean, yeah, we had. I mean, Thanksgiving really was our last regularity. Yeah, that's true. And First two weeks of COVID.

Cheryl 1:14

we had COVID strike, then we always take off for Christmas. What else? A broken toe. A broken

Christie 1:20

toe. Uh, I had, Oh, a trip out of state. Yes. I was in Phoenix for my first grandbaby being born.

Cheryl 1:31

And then another respiratory illness. Oh. And a snowstorm. And a snowstorm,

Christie 1:35

yes. I mean. And a partridge in a pear tree.

Cheryl 1:39

It was something. I'm glad to be back. Yes. And so, I mean, the recording gods have not been in our favor. No, no. We are

Christie 1:48

here though today. Yes. We're glad to be back and glad to share with you once again. Yes. It's fun to be back in here Um, so, you know, I've been thinking lately of those earliest days of my parenting years. Oh. And watching my daughter have her first baby, remembering all the earliest thoughts and fears and worries and I'm just remembering, like, you know, there was a whole group of us in my little, you know, parenting squad that we all seem to find that And You know, we would just say, Oh, gosh, anytime we got to spend with you, you know what, whether you were teaching a class we're in or parenting night or different things that we were in with you, we would say, gosh, if Cheryl could just come to my house every morning, pour me my coffee and give me a pep talk and say, get back in there, champ, you're doing a good job. And I feel like. I get the gift of being here with you to record and that's kind of what you've always been for me is, is a cheerleader in parenting and every stage along the way from having babies to elementary years to teens to now releasing

Cheryl 3:02

what an honor. It has been an honor and it's been an A surprise of my life. I didn't know that the Lord was going to give me this opportunity to speak into lives and to share from my life and from what I've studied. And I mean, remember we had that parenting Q& A and there were like 40 women that would come once a month. Yeah.

Christie 3:23

And

Cheryl 3:24

it was amazing.

Christie 3:25

It was. And it was amazing for us because, you know, you, you, you just relate with. I'll, you know, speak as the one of the young moms in that room that doesn't feel as young anymore. But at the time, I was, you know, just soaking it up and you were just sharing from your own experiences, just sharing so naturally of, Hey, I don't have all the answers, but here's some experience I have, take it for what it's worth and do with it what you will. But here's what I have. And I just have always appreciated that style about you. And I think that's what our listeners have loved to hear from you. So I, I just thought. I mean, it's really where we're still at, honestly, because I'm now entering a new stage of parenting, which is grandparenting, appropriately named, and I'm still asking you the same questions of new phases of parenting, and maybe just some of our listeners would like to listen in to the conversations you and I are already having.

Cheryl 4:21

Well, you know, Christy, it's so humbling, but of what an Oh, wonderful opportunity. And it's not just you I've heard this from a number of different parents kind of saying how about sort of just a Q and a with Cheryl and that we have more of that. So we've discussed it and what you're saying, I did not prep you to say these kind things, but that we're going to kind of. change up our format a little bit. So listeners if you're used to kind of more trio, we're going to do Just a little Q& A on different things.

Christie 4:53

Yeah, just to pick your brain on different topics and I mean, I we could sit and do the math of how many actual years between five kids you've parented and we can measure it in a million different ways. How many tantrums? How many months breastfeeding? How many months potty training? But you do have a wealth of wisdom to share. And I would love to spend some time just listening.

Cheryl 5:14

I would love to offer what I have. So that's why I've done TPP. That's why I did parenting ministry, the Q's and A's. And you know, I continue to meet one on one or groups with parents and women. And so, I'm excited. This sounds fun. And so, I'm going to start with a disclaimer that I always have. You know, I'm just going to share from my heart, just from the hip, and share what I have to say, and how about if we just kind of bounce off with one other, okay?

Christie 5:43

Well, and since I'm the one with the mic right now, I get to ask the first question. And I, I would just love to sit and listen and chat with you about this new place I'm finding myself in. I mean, still coming in off of the, the glow of meeting my first grandchild and the child you helped me raise is now reproducing, which is amazing. And, you know, just all the feels you know, watching My little one helping her little one.

Cheryl 6:13

But she's doing a great job. Oh my everything you've said I'm so impressed So I don't want anyone to get the idea that you're coming to me saying oh, no, it's ruined What am I

Christie 6:25

here's what I am learning grandparenting is watching your kids do all the things, right? You did wrong in a lot of ways I mean Because they're standing on your shoulders and what you brought to the table. And so I'm just celebrating, you know, the, the good job that they're doing already in these first few weeks of leaning on each other and being attentive to their little one. And I'm just so proud.

Cheryl 6:47

The problem

Christie 6:48

is still her mother, as it always has been. And, um, you know, I'm just navigating how to be a blessing to my daughter in this season of life and be an influence in my granddaughter's life with having appropriate boundaries and staying in my place. I'm not the young mom anymore. I have a different role to play. So what, I mean, tell, give me all the tips. Okay.

Cheryl 7:14

Christy, What you're saying is true. This new role is hard. And so for me, what's hard is I've spent my children's entire life up until they're young adults. being very involved, and speaking into everything, and redirecting, and giving advice, and then coming back, and sometimes I am the consequence, And I'll tell you, I mean, I've said it before, I get so many moms and dads just Desperate, because they hear no one talking about what do you do with your grown kids? And they feel as fumbly as that newborn mom and dad feel the first time they're holding their baby. And am I holding too tight? And is this the right place on the shoulder? And now, they're really feeling it, and everybody's grown up.

Christie 8:07

Yeah.

Cheryl 8:07

And so it's a new season. And so changes are hard, but I would say, I think, Part of it is your history and you're used to always correcting and speaking into it.

8:18

Mm hmm.

Cheryl 8:19

Okay, and you're used to being a little unguarded that you could say, honey, if you stir that with that particular spoon, you're gonna have issues correcting about how they're cooking. Right. And my personal opinion is that really needs to stop. When they are an adult, Even though they have no clue all the things that they're supposed to, like we didn't, that we have to stop the unsolicited advice. Because I think two things. It's either One number one viewed as criticism. Right. You know, don't you think I'm an adult? Don't you think I know how to stir a pot? Mm hmm, even if they're doing it wrong and whatever it could be filing income tax or You know, whatever with their baby, right all of it, even if they don't know it The problem is my well meaning input or correction viewed as criticism instead of respect, or it becomes an enmeshing unhealthy thing, you know, um, we keep talking about boundaries. but let me back up a little bit. Okay, so. your input might be viewed as criticism, even though you don't mean it that way, like, did you ever when your parents spoke into your life when you were an an adult, or were looking on and might have just made a little correction, did it feel like disrespect? or criticism to you.

Christie 9:42

Yeah, I remember that feeling because you're feeling insecure about every decision already. So anything that's highlighted, especially if it's highlighted with, you know, disapproval, you know, you feel inadequate.

Cheryl 9:55

And even if your relationship isn't the robust relationship you would like, they still really care about what you think, even if they act like they don't, they really want your approval. And so one of the things that I had to become aware of, is that if I make a comment about something over here, let's, let's just say it's cooking, and it's an innocuous comment, and I'm just saying, oh, by the way, I've learned it burns if you don't such and such just those kind of little comments, that then when they're doing other things, there's a tendency out of their insecurity and their youth to think, oh, she's probably criticizing this too. What happened with my children when I saw that is it separated us in our relationship that instead of building a bridge with them, Christy, I was pushing them off if they thought I was being critical,

10:50

um,

Cheryl 10:51

or it would Go something that's not healthy where they're going, Mom, what should I do? What should I do? What should I do? Right. Instead of that, I've launched them.

Christie 10:59

Right. that makes a lot of sense. And you know, like I said, I have zero critiques on how my daughter's doing with her baby. So there's not been any of that, but I can see where sometimes I have made, maybe I have a, a similar experience or input of some kind. And it would sound like, because that was my experience, I am disapproving Of what they're choosing in that and that's not what I mean at all. So I'm glad that you've clarified that

Cheryl 11:24

okay, because it's really hard because your heart is just a love her and I mean, I'm saying we're a mess, right? And we the critique might be correct because they, at the core, they really do want your approval, and they do care about it, but they also want to be an individual in their

Christie 11:45

own right. So where I might just be trying to connect or share experiences, it might land on a sensitive heart.

Cheryl 11:52

Yes! So that's one thing I would be really, careful. If I'm going to say something of any kind of suggestion or critical nature, because Christy, I'm telling you, it's happened to me, you know, a hundred times, where I thought I was just throwing something out there like I would do for you because it's not a peer relationship. There's a difference. I can't say to them, even as adults, what I could say to you.

12:17

So

Cheryl 12:17

I had to love them better. I had to keep that grid. That's good. Okay. And I'm looking at going, I must put a filter on what I say and my responses, and I even have to watch my facial responses because they are looking to us for affirmation, even if they act like they're not.

Christie 12:36

Okay. That's really good. That's helpful. Yeah. Another thing I've been thinking about is, The, the separation just in the spirit of boundaries of their, their family and our family, you know, holidays and like, we, we had an honest conversation about my, Staying, you know, how long I would stay when the baby was born and I I said from the get go Please just be honest with me what what you would like and what you would like and they were and it was wonderful Um on the other side of it, there was no tension and I I really appreciated that and so yeah just respecting those boundaries of this is their family of three now and I I have a separation now that Wasn't there in our relationship before she was married

Cheryl 13:22

yeah.

Christie 13:22

But of course, you know, I, while the girls were growing up, I just imagined us all living on the same row of houses and borrowing cups of sugar from one another all of our days. And you know, that just doesn't happen all the time. But it's been helpful to remember, um, that You know, they are individuals.

Cheryl 13:43

See that's the thing, we keep coming back to boundaries, you know, Dr. Townsend and Cloud wrote the definitive book on it, and they say healthy boundaries make healthy relationships. And the proactive way that you said, hey, let's talk about this because the difference between rules, regulations, and a boundary is each person being responsible for what they are responsible for. Oh, and so what you did is say, Hey, tell me where the boundary is. Yeah. So we can have the conversation and the both of you're free, right? You just said there's no tension and in your case there was a lot of family around there. You were everything. There were a lot of ways. There could have been so much tension. Did such a wise thing going, would you help me set a boundary? What do you want? Um, what do you want out of this? And listening to her. And it is hard, particularly when they say, Oh, by the way, we won't be spending the holidays with you. Right. Or, I mean, And that's why we want to build this muscle on things that kind of don't matter. So that when things that are maybe a much bigger issue we're able to respect them so we can keep the relationship. So for example, if they chose something in their lives, you know, married or not, I'm talking with several parents,in the last week and Their children are making moral choices that are very different from what they would want.

15:13

And

Cheryl 15:14

they're struggling so much with it, and actually came to me saying, tell me how to tell them to get back in line. And then I started talking about whether that's the right thing to do, because it was a grown child in their early 20s, they were financially independent, and I Don't see that that's the parent's right, or place, or role to come in and correct and redirect them and then it gets just so murky someone else Has really enjoyed a connected relationship with their children and now they have someone in their early 20s and She's struggling with her mental health And she's not wanting the parents to come in very much to the struggle. She wants to be the gatekeeper of the information. And the moms hurt, and she, uh, is concerned, but there are professionals that have their eyes all over it. So she doesn't have to be concerned about her daughter in that area. She's got good professional help. but It's the letting go. It's letting go. It's really hard because she feels

Christie 16:19

rejected. She's been the one to give care and concern for this human being for so many years. For a

Cheryl 16:27

hundred percent of the child's life, you know. Yeah. i SO! Identify with this struggle. it is hard. And so she's saying, what is my role in this? I shared I thought your role is to listen to her boundaries. Let her be the gatekeeper. And it's so hard. Right. Christy, I even think, and it has to carry over to texting or phone conversations because I myself am kinda disappointed that some of my children don't text me as much as I would like or they don't respond to a text. You know, it kind of ghost me a little bit on something. Uh, and I'm not responsible for that. I have to let them be the gatekeepers, and then maybe by the time they get 40 and they may have children of their own and they're moving in their full maturity, uh, what I've found is that's when we can have a much more pure relationship. Uh, and before that, let them be the gatekeeper. I would say, Christy, let her be the one that invites you into things, rather than you're presuming and intruding. Um, I had another, see I'm having these conversations with parents all the time. Another one she said, And her mom, oh, she was criticizing. This woman is in her forties herself. And so this is not a little newbie, she's fully mature she has teenagers, everything else. And her mom said, you know, wow, well, your cousin calls her mom every single day. Oh gosh. And she always answers all of her texts, and it just makes me not feel loved or important to you Okay, you can see the manipulation that's going on there. That mother doesn't know boundaries. At all. And the,

Christie 18:13

the comparison and mothering just, it's always lurking behind the corner. We have to fight it at all stages. And

Cheryl 18:19

see, everybody feels that. because it's so overt. And so we're having a conversation about her working up to drawing boundaries and confronting her mother. But that's the way all of it feels when we're stepping into something. That we haven't been invited into

Christie 18:37

right? Well, yeah, I'm just hearing you say that There's still a type of parenting that's happening but it's new it's more modeling how to walk through life Than it was instructional when they were younger and you know We're always living life in a new way where I've never been the parent of a 25 year old before. I've never been a grandparent before. And so, you know, letting go and releasing them to live their lives is now how we can model for them what it looks like to be middle aged. And, you know, they're, they're still going to be following in our footsteps.

Cheryl 19:16

Or this is how you love. people. Uh huh. Yeah. If you release them, and that's, you know, I keep saying boundaries, but I want us to do boundaries with kids. Yeah. But that's why boundaries are so great. We are both free when we both set our boundaries of what we're responsible for and safe. It, let's see, what is the word? It's differentiated, differentiated is like the pinnacle of emotional health, in relational health, where you have autonomy and independence within the context of a relationship,

Christie 19:51

yeah, helping you with that, like, explain, Maybe give a, a more of a word picture to tell them to understand.

Cheryl 19:57

Because what we tend to do. is build walls to be safe, like, Mom, don't come. I don't want you here, or in this case, kids, stay out of my life. Walls. Or we don't have any walls and we trample all over each other and our, our responsibilities and pretty soon the mom is doing The kid's responsibility and it's enmeshed in that. You're saying those two extremes are both unhealthy in their own ways. But those are not extremes. I think that's the way most of us do it. I don't think most of us have healthy boundaries. And so we either cut off the relationship or we don't respect the other person's, uh, autonomy and independence.

Christie 20:40

Well, I'm saying extremes meaning opposites. Yeah. There's two different directions. And so differentiation would be somewhere in the middle of respecting each other's autonomy without building the walls, but also staying in relationship without the enmeshment.

Cheryl 20:56

That's exactly right. Because you could say, Oh, I'm autonomous and independent, but I have a big wall. Right. But to have that open bridge, which we talk about. I mean. It's my responsibility to pitch all that stuff off the bridge

21:10

because

Cheryl 21:11

I want this bridge with my grown children that's open from my end and I The best way I know together is I respect their individuality and autonomy, yet seek to stay in a relationship.

Christie 21:25

Well, in a lot of ways, those extremes or those opposites are easier.

Cheryl 21:31

They are so much easier! Because

Christie 21:32

It's the messy middle to stay on that bridge and sort through, where do I need to humble myself? Where do I need to stand firm and advocate for myself? What needs to go? What needs to stay? And I'm finding, I feel like what you're saying to me is, usually the answer is humble yourself.

Cheryl 21:49

Well, those words are on the edge of my lip, you may have been able to read them through me.

Christie 21:53

I don't like that answer, but I'm learning that it's true.

Cheryl 21:56

But it really is. Okay. And. So like with my kids, when they do say, Mom, you shouldn't have said that, or that hurt my feelings, or you were, whatever, and I have all grown children now, and when they do that. If that H word, if I'm functioning in humility, I can take ownership and apologize and, Christy, sometimes they're offended or hurt and actually what I said was appropriate but if it offended them and hurt them, I don't mind loving them and saying, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. I mean, I did that when they were young. Right. You know, just once you step on somebody's foot, you apologize. If I stepped on their soul a little bit or whatever. Then I want to apologize for that and then

Christie 22:47

love them through it all, right? Yeah, because you know, even though we still feel like we're the I'm your mother. I should be able to speak into this That's just not the truth. They have other voices. They have other influences other circumstances we don't have ownership over their character development

Cheryl 23:03

And I think if we want to keep it healthy We want to have that safe, growing relationship. We're going to have to do all this lay this groundwork And it would be a beautiful fruit that they invite you into their life. Mom, what do you think about this? But if they're insecure and feel like they're having to fight you off and protect They're not going to be very fast to say mom help me with this. I don't know what to do

Christie 23:29

with right and The more freedom we have in the relationship, the safer they feel to engage, is what you're saying. Yes, and it's messy, messy, messy. Well, gosh, because, you know, I started out asking you about grandparenting and now we're still talking about changing my heart and me being the bigger person. I don't like that. It's hard and it hurts.

Cheryl 23:51

That's kind of the only answer I really have in life and in parenting. I need to be growing and heathy myself Right. And The more mature I am, the more loving I am, the more I'm practicing boundaries with others and forgiving them. Uh, it puts me in a good place and, um, I think God works in those kind of relationships.

Christie 24:13

Yeah. Well, I am so thankful for you and for the wisdom that you have that you can share with me just a few steps behind you on the path. And, um, I'm grateful to walk down the path with you. And

Cheryl 24:26

I am you. And same with your listeners, so send us some more questions. Okay, Christy, you'll come back next week and talk about something else. I'll be here. Great. Okay, listeners, remember, no matter how old they are, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.

Speaker 2 24:53

It was wonderful to have you join me on the parenting podcast today. I do hope you found this new format helpful to you. We explored the delicate balance of being in a relationship with our adult children. Remember, respecting their independence while staying connected can transform your relationships for the better. It's all about finding that sweet spot. between support and independence. Like Christy and I kept saying, it's not easy, but finding that balance can lead to healthier connections for everyone. If you have any questions or topics you'd like to hear about, reach out to me at contact at theparentingpodcast. com or DM us on social media. Next week, we'll explore the journey of emotional growth. and loose teeth. Until then, take care and know that who you're becoming through this path is just as important as who they're becoming.