Chats with Cheryl: When Enough Never Feels Like Enough – Tackling Entitlement | Ep. 153

No matter how much kids get, it never seems to be enough. And if we’re honest, we know that feeling too. How do we help our kids feel content in a world that constantly tells them to want more? In this episode, we explore why gratitude is so hard to hold onto—and how we can build it into our family’s daily life.

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

Let's be honest. Our kids are growing up in a world that constantly tells them they need more. More stuff. More experiences. More rewards. More. More. More. And if we're not careful We start believing it too. So how do we raise kids who feel grateful instead of always chasing the next thing? I'm Cheryl Lang and this is the Parenting Podcast where we have real conversations about the everyday challenges of raising kids. Today, we're unpacking the entitlement trap, why it sneaks in so easily and how we can help our kids. and their parents push back. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started.

Christie 1:06

Cheryl, here we are. We're back. In front of these mics again. Yes, it's good to be with you today. Always with you. So, we've had so many questions to go through and decide what we want to chat about today. Oh, good. One thing that seems to come up. In all ages, no matter what, what age that we're talking about is what to do about selfishness in our kids and how to fight. I mean, have have other generations had to deal with so much Consumption and overindulgence in their kids, I'm sure it's not anything new, but it just feels like there's just so much out there to, to want and see and to do how to fight against that current with our kids.

Cheryl 1:57

It really is hard mean, because, for example, social media tick tock, or any YouTube video. Anything you're watching, we just recently finished the Super Bowl. And what does everybody watch the Super Bowl for? Halftime and the commercials. And so one of the patters I have with my grandchildren is, what are commercials and ads for? They're saying, buy me, buy me, buy me. That's so good. You know, because it's the opposite of what you're talking about. And we have this culture, I guess, consumerism.. all around And something a lot of parents have asked me about, and I didn't like seeing in my children, is entitlement, which is this whole package of the heart that we don't want to develop in our kids. Right. But, I think we can say it comes naturally. Yeah. Rebecca, our first, the first sentence she said, she turned to me and it was perfectly articulated, and said, I had it first. Oh my goodness.

Christie 3:00

From the get

Cheryl 3:01

go You know. I never taught any of my 15 month olds to go, mine! Right, it just

Christie 3:08

comes from the start, it's so true.

Cheryl 3:10

Yeah, And then as an innocent first mom, I'm thinking, where did you learn that? And so it's an issue, but it's not just a toddler and a six year old issue. I like what you said all the way through. Yeah. I think it's a culture and a natural heartset that we have to work so intentionally on because Christy, I'm all about me too. Right.

Christie 3:36

Yeah, that's what I was

Cheryl 3:37

thinking

Christie 3:37

is still I'm the adult child inside that wants what I want and wants to focus on on my Preferences and it is hard. I get stirred up. I

Cheryl 3:48

want that, you know, like Um, certain vacations somebody goes on or whatever it is, there is something inside of me that's so easily dissatisfied.

Christie 3:59

Right.

Cheryl 3:59

And I

Christie 3:59

kind of want more. So, uh,

Cheryl 4:01

That's

Christie 4:02

the problem. And

Cheryl 4:02

I think it's a bit like a current,

4:05

you

Cheryl 4:05

know, um, I remember I was a little girl and we lived in North Carolina. And we went to Myrtle Beach And I can remember, I don't know what I was, it was elementary age And I was playing out in the water and I wasn't that deep, but I was out playing in the waves and I could see my mom sitting. On the beach, under the umbrella on a towel and had my little sister there and I was playing there and before I knew it, I looked up and they were like 20 feet. away You got swept up. But it was subtle because I never lost my footing. I was just splashing in the water, but the current was moving. Interesting, yeah. I don't know what those kind of currents are called, but that's what was happening. And I, I see this the same thing. If we don't fight for what these parents are asking for, it's so easy just let our natural selfishness just to pull, not only our children, but our whole family in a direction we don't want to go.

Christie 5:00

Yeah, it requires intentionality or else we are going to drift that direction. Mm hmm.

Cheryl 5:08

That's a really key! intentionality, I think the number one principle I would say is role modeling.

5:14

Mm hmm. You

Cheryl 5:14

know, this is not like children, we always make our bed, make your bed, make your bed, but Mm hmm. the role modeling of developing the characteristics we want in our life lived out in front of our children,

Christie 5:26

Yeah.

Cheryl 5:27

because I think it's, in this particular case, it's so much more of, Do as I do, not as I

Christie 5:33

say. Right. So one of those values we've said before that's caught, not taught. So we're modeling that in our own hearts of gratitude rather than, you know, overindulging when it's unnecessary or. It's really hard. Yeah. I mean, I just walked through Target and I'm like, Oh, maybe I need new, new sweatpants. Maybe I need this. And,

Cheryl 5:55

and we all know that. The United States right now is very blessed. But collectively and individually,. We have so much more. Comparatively speaking. Comparatively to a lot of the rest of the world, and certainly generations past.

Christie 6:09

Right. You know, I have some young adults in my life who are very earth conscious and eco friendly and I appreciate the reminders that they bring to my world because I can sometimes be wasteful. I like a Ziploc bag and I like a paper towel, you know, but I, I think it's a different mentality than what you're saying. It's not out of fear. Yeah. It's out of, out of good stewardship of what we have. I love that word.

Cheryl 6:35

That's a great concept Christy, how would you describe the difference between stewardship versus ownership because I really think that's a key word and one I bring up all the time, uh, to my children and now my thirds, my new generation is, um, know, especially when it can, you can afford to replace it, you know, it's not an expensive thing. It might just be crayons or it could be a chair. And I wanted to talk about, we don't jump on the furniture because we want to be good stewards of it. Can you help me define the difference between, I own the chair, and i am a steward. of the chair what would be the difference?

Christie 7:15

Yeah, I a stewardship mentality reminds us that, that the things we have are blessings

7:22

and

Christie 7:22

we are to use them to the best, um, use that they were intended and with gratitude. Would it

Cheryl 7:31

be that it's, rather than, I own it, I do what I want to with it, would be the gratitude that, I realize this has been provided, even if it's through my hard work, and I paid for it, that, um, that it's a caretaking of something.

Christie 7:49

Well, yeah, and it's a, it's a character issue in my own heart of caring for this,

Cheryl 7:55

and some of the phrases we use, Because we now, we have a mantra, and I wanted to say it with my children, and then I've really developed it more with my, grandchildren. Why why do we want to take care of this chair; this toy? Because we want to be a good steward Right. I'm trying to develop a bigger

Christie 8:13

mentality than just don't break it. Right. And that's, that's so closely connected to gratitude.

Cheryl 8:22

Which would I say that's a second thing to fight the selfishness, develop gratitude. So how can we work at developing gratitude in our family? One thing, I like the idea of talking about it a lot, because all of these things, Christy, if we just didn't talk about it, we would move along with the culture.

Christie 8:42

Right.

Cheryl 8:43

And so maybe to say, you know, we're a family culture that we want to be thankful,

8:48

and

Cheryl 8:49

we want to express our thankfulness. I knew somebody very well, and I was really shocked. I remember when their children were little, the two of them had a conversation, and they We are the parents and they are the children. So we don't think we should ever thank them for doing what we asked them to do.

9:08

Hmm.

Cheryl 9:09

And I watch them all the time those children grow up. The parents never one time said thank you. Like, you know, cleaning the kitchen or bringing me an object or carrying the groceries in from the store, and they never said thank you. And I I was so sad about it, right? I kind of had a conversation in the beginning and then I had to just let them do it But I was so sad because of the culture that that made in the family

9:35

Yeah, there was

Cheryl 9:35

no gratitude expressed in any direction in that family And I don't want that to be you know our family culture.

Christie 9:43

Well, yeah, I think it, it, it is one of those things that if we model, it's going to have more impact than if we just lecture about it. For sure. Lecturing about you should be grateful, or even in the moment of seeing ungratefulness, correcting it then doesn't have the impact that modeling, our own gratitude in front of our kids Well, I'm, I'm remembering this argument my husband and I had one time where I, I was, you know, I was in the wrong. I'll say that from the get go, but we had just finished this home improvement project and we had not even cleaned up the stuff, you know, all the, The paint cans and everything from the first project before I'm starting to brainstorm about the next project and he turned to me said, Can we just appreciate this one first? It was so much, you know, hard work that went into it. And my kids were kind of chiming in. They're like, Yeah, mom, you know, get some gratefulness there for what we have already. And, and I caught myself just the excitement driving me in that moment of like, well, let's talk about the next fun thing we can do.

Cheryl 10:50

wow, the importance of role modeling, one of the things we did proactively is I had my children write cards, thanking people for things, not just gifts. So we did the gift thing, but, um, and I'd like them to say specific things rather than be very general, be specific, but cards for other things when people did kind things for them. Or another thing, every fall, I never drew it because I can't draw, but draw a big tree with no leaves and then have even when adults came like to have dinner with us or something and we would pass out paper leaves and everybody writes something they're thankful for and then we started this year one and never thought of it before to do it at Christmas time and then we did someone else, I say we, uh, having a big Uh, poster of a Christmas tree a pine tree out in the snow, and then we give everybody just a paper of kind of Christmas tree ornament to write something that they were joyful or thankful for again, and just intentionally doing it. I know a lot of families who have the daily habit well, what was your high point, your low point, all of that, I think if I could go back I wonder if I wouldn't bring into it. Is what's something you were thankful for. I love that. Yeah, that's really good. You know, because if we're only thankful for when someone gives us a new, really nice gift or something big or, you know, takes us on a vacation. Well, that's kind of easy. an obvious to express thankfulness. But if you started saying every regular night what's something you were thankful for today I love that in the culture where everyone would have to be thinking over their day of something maybe ordinary that happened to give thanks for.

Christie 12:42

Yeah, yeah, I saw a big shift in my kids once they started, um, working their part time jobs at most of mine worked as a server in some capacity, and they are excellent restaurants. Goers now as young adults because of that experience of knowing what it's like to leave Come to a table and someone have left a complete and total mess They tidy up their station and you know They they appreciate and and that happened around 15 16 17 when they started serving others And I think that can happen in a lot of different capacities They don't have to have a job in that way. But anytime kids are serving or giving of themselves they're going to understand what it's like when they receive that service from someone else.

Cheryl 13:32

Absolutely, and my children serving that way and hearing from you and others whose kids were servers realizing that, I now bus my own table too. And the other way is I like to leave a nice tip because I want to show thank you. It's interesting because you never know what's going to catch with your kids. That's why what we do really matters over the long haul. But one of the things I've tried to do is express gratitude, particularly Not just in a restaurant but on customer service calls. So calling in and usually something's not right. You don't call customer service to say, you know, thank you. My new phone is just working so well. My insurance is exactly what I want. So usually you're calling in with an issue and to talk about it and When someone is going beyond, and trying to help, and being gracious, and trying to track the problem down, not only do I thank them, but on a regular basis, I ask, can I talk to your boss? Can I talk to your supervisor? And so I have increased the length of a lot of my phone calls because I've waited, because you usually have to wait until they get there. And of course Supervisor thinks, Oh, great, I'm being called into this. What's wrong?

Christie 14:47

Right. And

Cheryl 14:48

I say, I'm calling you for a different reason. And I, I want to express my gratitude and appreciation for the great service And Christy, I've emailed, I've called home offices, trying to back it up. And I did it to bless the person who helped me and to show my appreciation. But now I find out that my kids are doing it.

Christie 15:10

I love that.

Cheryl 15:10

I didn't know they were watching one of the things when people over the years have asked me saying, what do I do? My children are acting so entitled when we don't give them everything. What do I do to stir her heart up? And I would say serve. Mm. My older children were able to actually go to food and clothing pantries. And I'm talking about Not in their late teens, in their preteen years, impacted their lives so much they went and served every week at clothing and food pantries. And I can remember very specifically, just the feedback from them, how it affected them to see other people in greater need than they were And to see people genuinely that aren't blessed with all that my children were given.

16:03

Mhm.

Cheryl 16:04

And then I remember one of my children saying, you know, mom, I was kind of judgmental about these people and I saw some things in their lifestyle. And I was kind of judging them and thinking, why don't you make different choices? You should be doing something different. And today I carried out armloads of. of, uh, groceries to the car for them. And then she described what she saw, the need and the hardship she saw in that person's life and the difficulties just by seeing their car, who was in it, uh, how many children they had. And it welled up great compassion. And I think really. It affected kind of the route, the way she went, her heart and her life. It was so impacting. So trying to find ways for them to go serve others, um, a little bit tricky now, I will say because of all the legal stuff. A lot of times the companies because of legal issues, we can't let children serve very much. They have to be a certain

Christie 17:12

age. Yeah. We found that to be the case a lot of times, but even in your, in your own communities, taking someone a meal when they're ill or have had a baby or a loss in the family and taking initiative to serve your neighbors or those in your school or your church. Do something for a teacher that you know is going through a hard time. Those kinds of things just open your kids eyes and their minds to other people's lives and hardship so that when you know they are on their own, they start thinking of those things too.

Cheryl 17:45

Yeah. Yeah. All of it. It's giving and serving and hospitality, but that is fighting against the entitlement. You're right. I wanted to find ways because our youngest son, he got caught in the legality. He couldn't serve the way the others were able to by the time he got to that age. So we looked for specific things. I can remember. We at several times invited his friends and they all came over and I said when you come bring your rakes and so we went over there was an elderly woman that lived next door to us and my son had an ongoing service with her. We did a lot to help to, Share with her and then these boys several different times came either in the fall or in the spring and then Worked for hours in the yard raking and Trimming the hedges

18:34

Wow stacking everything up

Cheryl 18:36

and to get to get to serve together Yes, and for that whole culture of it I just was so glad to have that opportunity to build that into their hearts.

Christie 18:46

That's really good too, to share that experience with his peer group, because just like you're creating that in your family. As our kids start getting more influence from their peers, we want that, that culture to transfer into their peer groups. One of my girls was actually invited to a birthday party at our local food pantry. And that's where the little girl chose to have her birthday party. So there were 10 little. Eight year olds, I think they, we went and sorted, sorted, um, corn, I think is what we sorted at the birthday party. And I thought that was the neatest thing. I don't know what conversation or how it came up, you know, for the little girl to choose that. But I, I love that idea. And then all the friends were encouraged and inspired. And that was kind of the culture of the little girls group.

Cheryl 19:34

That's a great idea. I love seeking to think about these ideas! I knew someone once and. They invited my kids to their birthday party, and said don't bring anything for me instead had them get something that they were going to donate to a particular place but the same idea and I was so impressed. Like you were talking about making meals that mom and dad don't do it all but they bring the kids in that They quit playing and doing what they want to do and spend the hour or so helping to make the food, helping to make the cookies, something for someone else or making a card to take with them that they're not just knowing that it happens, but they're actually having to sacrifice to make it happen. That's really good. also just in finances. I would love for my children to know that we're sacrificing to give, not just giving the surplus, you know, the bell ringers in the fall, you know, outside the stores that I'm not just only given the change that's in my pocket, but that I'm intentionally cutting back in one area so I can be more generous than another. And one of the ways Uh, that I think is a good idea is to have different kind of savings that your children are saving up for things that they want, but you also have one savings that's saving up to give to somebody else. Oh, I love that. And so even like teens that they have to, that you say, let's say a certain portion of, uh, The money that you're earning needs to be given to somebody else. And that we are showing, living it ourselves, but then we're also having them don't just give off your surplus, give out of what you've worked

Christie 21:19

hard to get. With intentionality. Yeah. That's good. Well, I, I just thought of this. I am reminded as you're saying that we had a friend who, they had a blessing box for playdates, and so when we would go to their house, they had a little box by the front door of things they wanted to pass on to another family, uh, toys that they had rotated through and cleaned out, and, and I just think even little bitty ones, you know, it's hard to give up that special little Chick fil a toy or the special stuffy that they love so much, but to be able to be a blessing to their friend that comes over for a play date and, and have that to pass on. I mean, I think they were like three when they started doing that and it was delightful to see these little bitty kids get excited about giving to their friend.

Cheryl 22:07

That's it. It's so much fun to see the excitement. At first the kids are going to fight against it, but the idea of one in one out I had friends and they started saying, we're not just going to give away the shoes just because we've outgrown them or they're worn out, but we're buying new ones. So I want you to find one that you're going to give to someone else or, I mean, and they even did it. Like books or other things. Coats, you know, we're getting this new coat. Let's find somebody else to give that to. I love this culture of generosity.

Christie 22:39

Well, that makes me think too. There's the challenge of generous grandparents. When things start flooding in the home quicker than you can rotate in and out.

22:51

I

Christie 22:51

know there were times where You know, because grandparents get excited that we would put things away in the closet and we would only have a certain amount of things available to the kids in the house and then you might have to have a hard conversation with a grandparent or family member or loved one or. Another parent. That's true. Some of us get excited at a clearance rack and you just have to be mindful about what you're bringing in.

Cheryl 23:15

I think this is really good. We've got to wrap this up. It does matter. And I like this. Let's have the conversations. And even if other people aren't completely on board, I can choose to do what I want to. I think of a single parent, they can't control everything in their environment. But we can have conversations, and I can seek to live my life with these attitudes, generosity, thankfulness, stewardship. I build that into my life and then. All that I can trying to make it the culture that I teach my kids and that one of the things I would say is parents be sure and use your words. The silent example is good, but also let them hear it, let them see it, use words to what you're doing and believe in so that they can begin to have those thoughts in their mind and they can't say, well, you never told me I didn't know. Right.

Christie 24:10

This is all just really good. Cheryl, I. I think, like we said, we have to fight against the current or else we're going to drift away with it. Good.

Cheryl 24:19

Thanks again, so much. And parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth

24:27

it.

Speaker 2 24:34

It's so easy to think of gratitude as something we need to teach our kids, but what if it's something we're meant to learn alongside of them, to live out before them? Because the truth is, we all get caught in the trap of wanting more. And gratitude, it isn't automatic. It takes practice. So, here's a simple challenge. Find one moment each day this week to pause and express gratitude. You might even say it out loud. Let your family hear you. Because the more we model it, the more it can take root. Not just in their hearts, but in ours too. I'd love to hear how this plays out in your home. Email me anytime at contact at the parentingpodcast. com. Keep leading. Keep growing. And I'll see you next time.