Chats with Cheryl: What about when we blow it? | Ep. 157

We all start parenting with ideas of how it should go. But instead of getting stuck in regret, what if we saw those moments as part of the process? In this episode, we’re talking about the mistakes, the learning curves, and how growth happens—for us and our kids—one imperfect step at a time.

Transcript

0:05

Some days I look back and think, oh wow, I really blew that one. And if you've ever felt that way, you are not alone. Christie's in the studio with me today, and we're talking about the struggles we faced, the lies and fears it shaped us, and the lessons we had to learn the hard way. No perfect parenting answers here. Just real conversation, real mistakes, and maybe, just maybe, some encouragement along the way. This is the Parenting Podcast, and I'm Cheryl Lang. I'm glad you're here. Let's dive in.

Cheryl 0:55

Christy, I was thinking the other day, reflecting back about how the parenting podcast came into being. Don't even know if I've ever shared on here, I've been working with parents, being in parenting and education ministry for a long time, And, People actually like used to come right gather

Christie 1:15

in person

Cheryl 1:16

yes!! you had different ways to connect and as the world started going. virtual, things changed, you know,, people just stop coming to things right, Cheryl, why don't you have a q& a it would love to have one, but nobody comes. Yeah. All of that. And this was before 2020. It was just really interesting. I was kind of talking about it one day, with one of my children. And she said, Mom, if you want to reach parents, you need to do A podcast. Mm hmm. I laughed. I said, Oh, really? Well, okay. And then here we are. Right. 157 episodes in.

Christie 1:50

Wow. I hadn't heard that number in a while. That's crazy. Isn't that something? 157.

Cheryl 1:54

Yeah. So we're heading up this fall will be three years. Yeah. That's incredible. Isn't that amazing? And, I mean, I knew how to click on my podcast app, but that is all I knew about podcasting.

Christie 2:07

Well, and our listeners don't know that you wear all the hats. You're the producer, director, host, you do it all. So you have come a long way in your knowledge of podcasting.

Cheryl 2:18

I mean, I have built my resume.

Christie 2:21

Yeah, that's a full LinkedIn profile.

Cheryl 2:24

And so forgive me for all my mistakes, but I am so glad to be here. I love doing this for our audience and with one another. Oh, I've

Christie 2:33

loved doing it with you.

Cheryl 2:35

Isn't it fun? Uh huh. It's really interesting in thinking about this. One time, a year or so ago, uh, I was talking about something about parenting and I said, I'm sorry I blew it so much, and one of my children turned to me and said, well, you must have believed you did it all perfectly because you're doing a Parenting podcast. Oh, wow. I guess you don't listen. Let me clarify. All we ever do every week is go, well, Christie, I blew that. Right. Well, I made that mistake. I didn't do that. Right.

Christie 3:07

Yeah, we're nothing if we aren't, uh, humbled by our own misguidance. That's the

Cheryl 3:12

truth, because we don't come and say, and here are the seven things I did right this week. Right.

Christie 3:16

Well, in the spirit of, setting the record straight why don't we talk about the ways we've blown it I mean, I know we could do a whole podcast full of episodes of ways we've blown it. Yeah. Have you got five hours? But I mean, we talked about mom guilt. We've talked about. You know, fear based parenting, we've nibbled around the edges, but I think that's one thing that a lot of parents are left wondering, like, okay, obviously, I'm not going to get this thing right all the time. What do I do? How do I handle reconciling my mistakes at the end of the day? Wow.

Cheryl 3:57

Yes. That's really true, Christie. Okay, since that's the reality of parenting, what about if we go back through the different stages of parenting from younger, middle to older and talk about what were our struggles with our lack of perfection? Or you know, what did we believe? In our struggles, in parenting in those stages and how do we deal with it? Sure.

Christie 4:27

I see it so differently now. Yeah. I think that's great.

Cheryl 4:30

Let's see. So let's start with the youngest first. Like when we first became parents, before I ever had one, I thought I could figure it all out. Right I thought, Oh boy, I've babysat so much. I took care of my little sisters. I'm a teacher. I got this. I'm going to do this so well. And then I had a baby. Right. And then I started feeling insecure. But I would say My failures that I felt in that age were am I putting them to bed at the right time, you know, am I nursing the right way, when do I quit nursing, how much do I do that, how much do I hold them, how much do I put them down, it was a lot of the practical stuff is where I felt my insecurity and my concern because I would see someone else and I'd go, oh, I didn't do that, oh, I introduced foods too quickly or too late and so for me, My failures were or my awareness of my weaknesses were more in the practical area. What about you? Yeah. I mean,

Christie 5:34

similar. I think the earliest parts of my parenting were riddled with fear and anxiety of wanting to do everything just right. I think maybe if I could pinpoint a lie, I believed is I can figure this out and do it perfectly. Wow. I just have to. Read enough, work enough, ask enough parents, you know, what they did and, and figure out, crack the code, find the formula.

Cheryl 6:00

Yeah, that's it! what lie did we believe? I really, really drank the big lie! good parenting in. Good kids out. Yes. So if I held them the right way, and the we were bonded, and if I nursed long enough, and if I had natural childbirth, and right, all of these things. You know, and we were careful what food we gave them and all of that. That's that good parenting in

Christie 6:24

well, and that's has no respect or parenting styles because I was on the other extreme with my first couple of kids where I was super structured and they had to be down at this time and up at this time and everything just had to be, you know, you have to let them cry this many minutes before you pick them up and all of that. And so I think it's across the board. Parents can struggle with that mentality.

Cheryl 6:45

There we go. Because. There's a lie underneath it, you know, it's interesting in that first few years babies are kind of all the same and yet here we are kind of opposite ends of the spectrum, feeling that failure. I've ruined them. I don't know what to do. Or, I got this. Uh huh. and then you're going, I don't have it. Because they're not responding. It's not happening the way I thought it would be if that's kind of the struggle for that first season. You think so? Yeah. And I think it all comes from a pure motive. You know, we were casting this vision for where we're headed with this new bundle in our hands, and we just want so badly to do it right. Absolutely. But the stress on us in those first earliest years. Or, it's such a You know, small section of their life where we kind of see what we're getting, pride might sneak in there and go, see, I am doing it right. You scheduled people, doing your children perfectly. We hold them, love them, people. We're going to get all we want. Cause see, parenting is going to work. Right. We're going to figure it out and it's going to work.

Christie 8:02

Yeah, and I, if I had to pinpoint a way that I feel like I blew it in that season was that I didn't, um, just enjoy some of it. And that's really hard to say to a young mom because there's a lot of stressors involved of sleeplessness and colic and fussiness and all the, you know, tantrums when they're entering into the toddler years. And so I'd say that. Pretty lightly, but, um, finding joy when you're holding a sleeping baby and just breathing is, is worth the fight.

Cheryl 8:34

It sure is. Rather than trying to conquer it, enjoy it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, what about the next season you know, What about the middle years, like four to eight, along in there, how did this work for you? how did you view your failure or success in that middle season?

Christie 8:54

You know, I think that season. It was a little bit more of the same. It may be special to me. I don't know if I'm a special case in this, but it was still a lot of fear driven decision making. I tended to be overprotective in some areas and my kids now joke that, you know, we weren't able to check the mailbox without mom watching us and um, And so maybe I would look back and say, Oh, I wish I would have let them take bigger risks or, you know, do things that were, um, more challenging for them and not, protected them from failure in certain ways.

Cheryl 9:36

And my experience was different because of that lie of good parenting inn, and good kids out. I really believe that. in general, those middle years, because we did some training and we worked in relationship when they were little, that it was easier. They weren't pushing for more the way you do. in the releasing years, I had no idea! the releasing years were ahead of us. And so, we kind of had this camaraderie and I just am kind of built for that relationship and the fun that we had. And, you know, that they wanted to grow up and marry me, you know, all that sweet spot. but I have to say, except when we lost Bill. that brought it. A real devastation to those years. And so, I relied so heavily, Christy, on our relationship. Yeah. And, um, you're talking about enjoying. I tried just to love them harder. And, kind of, with my second half of my parenting just trying to ease the pain of what they lost. That makes sense. You know, and say, it just doesn't matter. Right. looking to not rock the boat, right? I tried to say, can't we just all get along? And so I probably should have challenged more in some areas and drawn better boundaries. But I wasn't naturally created that way. And then particularly in single parenting, um, my goal was, let's just try to make the best of this and enjoy one another and, uh, not do some of the hard stuff. Yeah.

Christie 11:17

Well, it's, it's interesting to me to think about how, um, because as parents, we're inevitably going to enter seasons of stress and seasons of turmoil in our lives. We don't. parent in a vacuum. Life keeps happening. And I think it's interesting how different people respond to stressful situations. I think some people, um, Let go a little more and some people tighten up a little more and I tend to be a tighten up person where if I'm stressed, I'm, I'm going to get my ducks in a row. I'm going to put more pressure on the people around me to kind of fall into line. And so I, I don't know, I'm just thinking through that and thinking maybe the ways we respond to stress. Can help us to, predict where our failures may come in, you know, and maybe that's something to think through because I look back at stressful times in my Parenting and I've confessed here on the podcast before I had a problem with screaming at my kids losing my temper being too harsh and I think that those are the things that I, you know, if I really let my mind go back to how I blew it, those are the areas that I'm like, uh, I just feel sick about some of those things.

Cheryl 12:34

Well, and through this particular season of the age we're talking about, and I'm thinking in my, single widowhood years, it was so hard. I felt like we were in a free fall in life. And so all we had were the relationships and that I just didn't know how to navigate it. Christy, it wasn't like I couldn't put my ducks in a row because I thought, where are we supposed to go? I mean, I have such compassion, particularly for single parents because you're going, how are we going to navigate this? There's no second team. I've never done this before. I don't know what we're going to do. Right. And so that's. Why I leaned into the relationship and connecting rather than those ducks in a row because I just didn't know what to do. It makes sense. Wow. So that's the easy middle years. Right. So How did you approach your philosophy or the failing? In those teen years, Oh, wow.

Christie 13:38

Well, I always joke at our house about how my older kids may have baby books, but my younger kids got a better parent because, you know, it just takes a couple rounds to learn things. And I am Gosh, just verbalizing this, this feels like a counseling session because I'm realizing how fear driven I was in my parenting, um, because it, it followed into the teen years. The decisions I made with a lot of my kids were, um, out of concern of the big bad ugly world out there getting to my kids and I wanted to protect them from falling into all the pitfalls that come. And so, I was probably too strict on some things, and then sometimes I trusted my kids more than I should have, I think, and thought, oh, surely my little angels wouldn't.

Cheryl 14:31

You know, that feeling right there that lack of knowing balance Uh huh. Uh, I think that's a really appropriate feeling, particularly for the teen years. Yeah. It's one thing, do we put them to bed at 7. 30 8:30 when they're little? Right, right. Okay, to a beginning parent, I was concerned about that. And then you get these teen years, and the options are so broad, the implication of the decisions are so much bigger. Oh, it is. And then, I'm thinking, it's like, out of fear. Again, mine wasn't so much fear of my parenting as it was, I can still curate this, that if I continue to make good parenting decisions in their teen years, we're going to get the fruit that we want.

Christie 15:18

Right, right. So I

Cheryl 15:19

still believe the lie of good parenting in, and I tried to stay so connected. So we're going to have all these conversations I really worked at trying to be humble and open and genuine and, you know, we talk about keeping the bridge open and so there were some things I would say that's the right thing to do. The problem is the lie behind it is I thought if I did all these things. Yes. And I did them really well, or even reasonably well. It was going to give me the fruit that I thought I deserved. And that's just

Christie 15:55

a lie. Right. And by the time you start hitting, you know especially 17, 18. Wow. You really start seeing the fruit of that lie because you're losing control and, the end is nigh, you know, you're about to release what fully grown person you're offering the world. And your job is done. I mean, you're still going to be around for influence, but it is kind of the proof in the pudding on display.

Cheryl 16:23

exactly And there's where the insecurity comes in. I've ruined my children. Right. You know, if I didn't see the proof I wanted. Right. Or as they began moving through the teens and early adulthood. Sharing with me quite how I was doing a wrong job and my insecurities just came way up. Yeah. Because like that loss of control, I would say that's it. Even trying to keep control, I could feel the loss right. And, uh, not knowing what do I do and mom, I've got to make these decisions. And, uh, I began to feel that sense of failure that we're talking about. Oh, I've blown it again. And so I tried to curate. things like I said, so that they wouldn't hurt before, but particularly in teen years, there's a lot of hurt in teen years. Oh yeah. And rejection and not knowing and they have, and I don't, and you won't let me And instead of doing the wise thing of sitting with them in their pain and letting them process it, and The things we kind of talk about here, I'm always trying to go, it's okay, honey. You don't have to hurt. It's all right. And trying to fix it and that grew exponentially with my children who lost their daddy when they were little.

Christie 17:40

Of course.

Cheryl 17:40

Instead of thinking, how can I walk along them through this releasing process that we talk about now? Um, and so I get the fruit I want on the end. Right.

Christie 17:52

Yeah, we're, in those last years, you're feeling all the crunch time, like, Oh my. Let me dot all my i's and cross all my t's and really tie this up with a bow at the end and um, you know, I just want to circle back a little bit to what we talked about. about the insecurities, that's the way I blew it with my older teens, is I made it way more about me than them. And I just realized now, looking back, they were their own people. So you know, they're, all the little criticisms I have as a mom, some of that's on their shoulders. And for me to put it all on myself, it almost puts more pressure on them. Um, because. We're looking to their behavior to validate our own, you know, personal value and It's just not fair to them. Let them be their own people. Let them make their own mistakes and suffer their own Consequences rather than looking to them to validate us and see that's

Cheryl 18:56

My trying to Keep them from hurting when they saw how much I was hurting Then it just put a burden on them, right that I wish I hadn't been there You know if I could have like grown up and come back and done my parenting, but we can't do that Parenting is done in real time on the job. And this is the first time with this child in this circumstance

Christie 19:23

yeah. And I mean. All parents listening have been 20 something and you can probably remember back to that being an age where you're taking inventory of who you are and kind of reassessing all that you've been through in your first 20 years and, and how you were raised and if you don't have 20 somethings yet. You should know they can sometimes be vocal about the things they've walked through in life and you happen to be a very big part of those things and You know, it was kind of a shock for me and I'm not meaning this derogatory It's an appropriate time of life to evaluate these things But they do share with you the things that they wish would have been different and that takes some thick skin to receive correctly.

Cheryl 20:13

Yes And see at the time, I didn't realize what I now would say Wow, Christy, how amazing is that that they feel safe enough to walk across that bridge and tell me how I blew that, you know. Right. We didn't do enough sports. We did too much sports. You were too restrictive. Whatever it is. It was too whatever. Right. and what I did is I broke the cardinal TPP rule, I took it so personally, and so I listened to the lie because my identity was wrapped up in the fruit I thought I would see so early.. Right.

Christie 20:50

Well, and you know, depending on what age you were when you became a parent. You probably weren't much older than they are, when, when you're trying to sort through all this, something you've not been through, and I remember you encouraging me, just wait until They themselves are parents, and they will really start to understand. I'm like, okay, I can hold on to that or you know if they don't have children to go on and have some maturity, but you know Our our listeners might be a little frustrated that we're not giving the details of how we blew it but just with you saying that I was thinking it's because there's not a Too much sports and not enough sports and we can't give you a pinpoint formula for how your family should be operating Because like we said with the babies these these failures are rooted in philosophical lies We believe yeah at every extreme, you know every point in the spectrum of decision making for parenting styles. It's just it's deeper than How many minutes of TV should they get a day?

Cheryl 21:56

A hundred percent. You're exactly right. And we've said a thousand times, but it's really true. It does depend on me. Not who they are, the choices they make, all the things I thought depended on me in the raising years. What depends on me is my response. Right. Am I giving grace to them? Yes, that's what I was going to say. I would say grace is giving grace to them and grace to myself.

Christie 22:24

To ourselves. Yeah. One hundred percent. I mean, they're going to make mistakes, we're going to make mistakes, and I, I think if I had to sum up the biggest lie I believed is that somehow we could avoid making mistakes. I mean, the whole time I was parenting, would not have articulated that and said it to you. No, nor would I. But I was somehow imagining a perfect world where they would come out perfect because I had done it perfectly.

Cheryl 22:53

They aren't a loaf of bread, right? We got to wrap this up, but, that really is good parenting to stay in there in the fight, in the loving Yeah.

Christie 23:05

That's good. I do want to close with this. If I'd had worked the way I wanted it to work, then all I would do is go, yeah, you know, do these 40 things and you're going to nail it. And instead, I've become a different person. I've been transformed and I want that to keep happening. Mm hmm. Okay. Hey, Christy, thank you for being in the messy pot with me. Yes. Well, thanks for having me. So I will close again, parents, telling you, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering, because it is worth it.

23:50

The further I get into parenting, the more I realize it's less about avoiding mistakes and more about how we handle them. We're going to get things wrong. We're going to say the wrong words, react out of frustration, or make decisions we later second guess. But those moments don't define us. What matters is what comes after that. If you're carrying guilt today, let it go. If there's a conversation you need to revisit with your child, Take that step. There's so much power in circling back and saying, Ugh, I got that wrong, but I love you and I'm still learning too. That kind of humility, it builds trust. It teaches our kids that relationships aren't about perfection. They're about showing up again and again with love and honesty. So keep leading like that. And remember, you're not alone in this. I'd love to hear your stories and thoughts. Email me anytime at contact at the parenting podcast dot com. And don't forget to follow us on social media so we can keep encouraging each other along the way. I'll see you next time.