Chat with Cheryl: Craving Connection, Battling Loneliness | Ep. 159

Friendships can feel so fragile, and loneliness hits hard—especially in the middle and teen years. Today, we’re unpacking how to walk beside our kids through the hurt, building connection and trust as we go.

Transcript

Cheryl 0:06

It's hard to watch your child feel left out or struggle to connect, especially during those messy middle and teen years. And as parents, the urge to step in and fix it can be pretty compelling. Kyla's with me today, and we're diving into why friendships can feel so fragile at this stage and how we can walk beside our kids through the loneliness and the longing. I am Cheryl Lang and this is The Parenting Podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Kyla, I am thrilled to have you back here in the recording studio again.

Kyla 0:51

It's so good to be back, Cheryl. Thank you. I think we could just talk about everything forever. We definitely could. So many things, topics, questions. Okay,

Cheryl 1:00

sir, what do you bring? What? What can we talk about today?

Kyla 1:04

Yeah. I was nervous last time about recording. That's intimidating to me, but I heard a lot of feedback from friends. Oh. And just a lot of questions and I just was gonna throw some your way if you were okay with it. This is

Cheryl 1:16

great. I love that. Okay, so what are we gonna dive into?

Kyla 1:21

I heard a similar theme from several different friends. Yeah. And people, you know, text or social media avenues. And I have a lot of parents who are in the same situation that I am, so I relate to them and several of them focused on the theme about friendships and loneliness with their daughters. Oh wow. And that's a huge thing for that age in life. Oh yes, definitely. But it was tricky. Because at the same time, these girls were feeling the most lonely and needing of friendships. They were the most difficult, even in their relationships with their moms particularly pushing them away. Um,

Cheryl 2:02

I.

Kyla 2:02

Angry

Cheryl 2:03

Okay. So Kyla like, tell me sort of. Were the girls struggling and their parents watching them, or what was the issue?

Kyla 2:11

Yeah, I think the moms were observing their daughters kind of with broken hearts that, you know, their day-to-day could look. Fulfilling on the outside, you know, school and friends and activities and sports, but they saw underneath their daughters were hurting and their daughters were wanting a friend, even just one good friend.

Cheryl 2:33

Wow. You know, I think actually in the big picture you could have just said, this is what the moms are saying about themselves. Yeah. You know, because what you just described, psychologists and people who study culture are saying, we have a loneliness epidemic right now, particularly in the United States. Yeah, we do. Yeah. But let's focus on the kids, because I hear what you're saying and I, think. A lot of it probably is this transitional period. You talked about late childhood, and through preteen to teens, and I remember it myself. It, it's an awkward, difficult. Time period, and I think it plays out in friendships. Sure,

Kyla 3:20

sure. Um, you can look like you have everything figured out. I mean, I remember when I was 13, I, you know, played sports and I had friend groups and I had an active life, but underneath I was insecure and lonely. And I've said this forever, I'm like, you couldn't pay me, you know,$10,000 to go back to no way seventh grade.

Cheryl 3:43

No way.

Kyla 3:43

Never, never. It was painful.

Cheryl 3:46

So we are talking about an awkward age, if we think about little children, think about four to six. Mm-hmm. Um, there's sort of a naivete in innocence with them, that I think God equips them with to get through their childhood. For example, uh, recently some of my granddaughters had been at a park, mm-hmm. Recently they'd been at a park and when they came to my house, they came up to me and said, guess what? Guess what? I just made? Two new best friends today how cute. And I said, where? And they go at the park and I just went over and we were on the slides and things. I said, do you wanna be best friends? And they, yeah. So easy. You know? So just like that. Okay. Well, everybody knows really, you can't have two new best friends in 30 minutes apart. Right? Right. But that, um, I think that's an equipping for that young age. Not, not everybody.'cause I know people who are maybe a little more, uh, internal oriented or maybe a little shy er Sure. They may not reach out like that. But it comes more easily at that age. And, uh. You can have kind of new best friends five days a week,

Kyla 4:55

right? You're not worrying about what do they think of me and no, what am I wearing and how does you know that's right?

Cheryl 5:02

And, and it doesn't work that perfectly for everybody, but there is a security of that age. That begins to fade when we do this transitioning, because the big picture is, remember, they're transitioning, releasing process to where they're going to be full fledged adults. Yeah. And so this friendship, I think, and the feelings are part of that. And so older kids are beginning to try and figure out who am I and how do I want to present myself and how do I want to look to my peers? Sure. Um, and how do they. See me, right? Yes. Yes. It's hard how much pressure our kids feel just trying to navigate friendships and figure out where they fit in and Kyla I think Maybe part of what's happening here, psychologists call the imaginary audience.

Kyla 6:00

Mm-hmm

Cheryl 6:01

Basically, it's the feeling that teens have, that everyone is watching them, judging them, noticing every little thing they do or say. It's why walking into a lunchroom or a dance feels like they're stepping on a stage with the spotlight glaring down on them. Yeah but it's not just that. There's also something that's called, um, personal fable where teens tend,uh, to believe their thoughts and experiences are completely unique, something that no one else could possibly understand. So they feel like everyone's watching them, but at the same time, they believe their struggles are theirs alone. And so Kyla, when we put those two things together, It's no wonder friendships feel so complicated and fragile especially during these years. It's hard to be real and connect when you're always feeling judged and like no one can truly understand you. Yeah,

Kyla 7:12

that makes a lot of sense

Cheryl 7:14

and this is why our involvement, our listening ear, and our presence are vitally important. uh, knowing this doesn't magically fix it all, but it sure helps us understand what they're going through and gives us a little more compassion and patience as we walk through it with them.

Kyla 7:33

It's so good

Cheryl 7:34

That's eyeopening though, for the parents. Yeah. Because there's something psychologically that's that shift from the 5-year-old who goes, Hey, you wanna be best friends, right? And they just run off together. Um. There's a shift and this is the beginning of reflective, introspective self-evaluation that we want to have. It's just the immature, budding stages of it. Mm-hmm. And so it leaves with so much insecurity and there. They're right. Everybody else is looking and evaluating on such superficial Sure. Things that no wonder they feel insecure.

Kyla 8:15

Yeah. I talked to a mom and you know, for all appearances, her daughter is one of the popular ones. Yeah. And, and she just confided in me that. Her daughter is hurting and lonely and, but you would never guess it anyone on the outside, even any one in her peer group. I,

Cheryl 8:35

I, I, and I'm gonna say this is the same thing with adults. I know adults whom everyone would say, wow, that person's popular. They have so many friends. They're well spoken. People like them to come into the groups. And when you talk to'em privately, guess what? They're insecure. They feel loneliness in there. And Kyla, instead of saying, oh, isn't this a terrible human condition? I would say actually that's revealing God created us to be relational beings. Right? And what we're seeing is the hunger in hearts. For relationships and, and not just being the popular number one most popular person in school. Not that, but that we are hungry for relationships, right? And so we saw it in the immaturity of the five-year-old on the playground, but what you're hearing from these parents about their kids as they're beginning to grow up and start figuring out who they are as a person and that whole developing, releasing process. They are feeling the need for relationships and it's not as superficial as it was previously. And so I think that's part of what we're dealing with. And I would say parents, that's what we need to address.

Kyla 9:53

Well, practically, Cheryl, for the parents in those situations their hearts are hurting, what do you think we can do or say?

Cheryl 10:02

One thing I would encourage them to realize, it's a bit like. Uh, childbirth, you're watching the pains of the developing of the person of who they're going to be. Right? And so you do see the struggle'cause it, that's just a struggling, painful process. So as always, I would say you be the safe place. Right? Be careful of too much advice, but be the safe place where they can come I hope that those daughters or sons you told me in this case they were daughters. Yeah. that feel safe enough to talk about it and say, mom, I feel this way, and help give them the words to process how they feel. And then I would hope to be a parent with true compassion saying, I'm so sorry. I can see this is really painful. This really hurts. And then sit with them and let them be able to talk about it. Without

Kyla 10:59

handing them the quick answers. Sure. And do you have any special encouragement or wisdom for those of us who are in the thick of that painful and hard transition season?

11:10

Yeah.

Cheryl 11:10

Wow. So you have to begin to release your children open handed to pull away, because what you're feeling. Is that birth pain of the pulling away from you. cause actually that's what birth is. Sure is physically that baby is pulling away from you and now you're just feeling it more emotionally.

Kyla 11:33

Yes. I never thought of it that way.

Cheryl 11:35

But how selfish if you kept that baby inside of you, if you could

Kyla 11:39

right.

Cheryl 11:39

You. This is that releasing process. So how can I love this child? Well, so. Quit being self-focused. Mm-hmm. And let's be other focused. Mm-hmm. Okay. What can I do? How can I love them? Well, and as they're beginning to talk to their children, how can we talk up to them in a way to say, well, how can we be a little more. Other focused. Right. One of the things when my kids talk to me through these years, uh, because they saw me as an extrovert, conversations do come fairly easy to me.

12:12

Yes.

Cheryl 12:13

And, uh, they would say, well, mom, you make friends so easily. you just walk in the room and we watch you talk to people. Mm-hmm. Okay. I will say that's a natural strength that I have, I can bring that energy. And we've talked about external processing versus internal, but rather being self-focused that it's all about me. I try to, even when I don't want to, I feel like I've been given that gift and I want to reach out to others. with it. Yeah. Now in the less mature me, I might have done all the talking. Mm-hmm. But the more mature me, I did something different. And I would ask my kids, what do you see me do? And they go, you ask questions, right? That's right. So I try to be a good listener, and so I use my energy to open up the conversations, but then I try to ask good questions, find out and listen. And then. Use that to make the connection with the other person. Sure. And, um, be more concerned about that rather than what I'm getting out of it. Now, that's a lot of maturity for a young person. Right. But Mom, I don't know how to ask good questions. Okay. Listen. Mm-hmm. Get an introductory question and then listen to their answer. Rather than be thinking about your answer, listen to their answer. All you have to do is ask another question, right? And then they say something else and go, wow. What is your favorite Taylor Swift song? And then instead of saying, well, mine is, and I found this, instead of, you want to be a conversationalist, but ask questions about them. Mm. And that's how you can open it up. And then I would say the same thing in friendship that, do we want a friendship that's where we care about the other person? Or do we just wanna be popular? Right. So they wanna be popular. That's a different. Track if we wanna be friends, then let's look at how we can connect with the other person. Sure. Another way I help my children through this stage of life is you walk into a group and they feel that pressure and the insecurity look for someone who needs a friend. Yes. Don't look at the most popular group that they are already talking about the cool things and they have plenty of people. Look for someone who isn't well connected. That's great. Someone who doesn't have a friend and. Go over and say hi, and then introduce yourself or invite them in. Mm-hmm. Or particularly with my kids, try to equip them with one friend. Right. And if you have one friend, then don't become a clique and just talk about them. Have your friend go with you to that other person that doesn't have a friend or is new. And then the two of you invite them in and suddenly you have given that person. A core group of friendship. Mm-hmm. Whether it's gonna last forever or just for that, meeting you have been a friend to them and you're breaking down. That natural selfishness that we have, that's just easier. For example, Kyla, if you were in a group of people, it would be so easy for me just to walk up and talk to you. That's just easy to do. Yeah.'cause of our friendship. Right. But what I would rather do is. Either talk with someone else or let's go over and pull this other person in. That's the unselfish way and the way I develop friendship rather than just, uh, rely on what I already have. Does that make any sense? Yeah,

Kyla 15:45

that makes a lot of sense. I think about my own childhood when I was struggling as a 13-year-old with all those underlying insecurities emotions. I know it's, it was horrible. It's horrible. Awful. And I remember my mom was so extroverted and I looked at her yeah. She makes friends so easy. She's never, you know, met a stranger. She feels comfortable everywhere she goes, I wanna be like that. But then, you know, growing into my own mm-hmm. And learning to make friends and even gleaning some wisdom from my dad. Who taught me to be interested in others and ask good questions. Yeah. Like you were saying, and to really get to know people because people love that. They feel seen, they feel heard as and to be genuine about it. Yes, yes.

Cheryl 16:33

I've been doing it a long time. And I always want to be genuine, but I wanna be intentional maybe see if that helps Yes. Okay. That intentionally slowly begin to practice it because when you're new at something, you're just not as good. Okay. But if you don't ever take. The training wheels off and you stay where you're comfortable, you're not gonna grow. Mm-hmm. And um, you can make

Kyla 17:00

it a habit. Yes. And you can make it a habit, but at the same time, genuinely care about other people.

Cheryl 17:07

Yeah. And that's what I wanna develop in my children. Plus also looking for and trying to develop at least one or two safe friends. Right. And friends that they felt like they could be real with and that they enjoyed. The standing against the crowd when the crowd is moving in a wrong direction Mm-hmm. And I had several times. and these are my sons, say, mom, if I have one friend if I have one buddy standing at my shoulder, he has my back. I can stand against the crowd. Yeah, you can conquer the world.

Kyla 17:40

Yeah. One friend. With

Cheryl 17:41

one friend. So let's look at developing one friend rather than being the most popular. Right. And again, I don't know if I mentioned it, the difference between popularity and friendship and talk about it and like. It says in Proverbs, there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and so you know, the pull of popularity is so big at that age. Mm-hmm. Going back to these conversations that you keep the conversation open so they can talk with you about it. And you can say, do you see somebody you'd like to develop a friendship with? What are you looking for in a friend? Right? Not just popularity. And have those conversations. a Phrase that I heard when I was a child. If you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend. Mm-hmm. What do you want others to see in you to reflect the kind of person you want to be? Right. And this kind of dialogue might help take them from the immaturity of wanting just popularity to maybe deeper things. It's gonna take a lot of time in their teen years, for you as a parent means having people over and having food and doing all the things that help them to develop their friendships. Yeah.

Kyla 18:56

Be the house that people wanna come to. That's

Cheryl 18:58

exactly right.

Kyla 19:00

I just think, I'm thinking back to previous things that you've said that I clinging to, and I think in the midst of my children's pain. My gut reaction is to rescue them. And I'm thinking back how you said don't rescue them. Walk through the pain with them. Yes. Walk through the hard year when they're lonely.

Cheryl 19:22

Absolutely. Kyla. I had a big capacity for relationships, but I've talked here before, I had a lot of loneliness and solitude in my childhood because we moved a lot and children don't do this mature thing when you are always new. I went to nine different public schools. That's so many. Yes. And some always in the the new kid. And I was a friendly golden retriever and I didn't have a lot of self-awareness and other awareness. I thought everybody wanted to be my friend and I had a lot of painful, bad experiences and, my parents loved me but, they made a mistake of kind of doing what you were saying. Mm-hmm. Protecting me instead of equipping me. And so when meaning by what did they Well, I could tell you particular certain instances where I was rejected or I didn't have a friend or everybody else. Got together and they were friends and the clique, and I am outside the clique. Mm. And I would come home crying and sad and upset. And my parents did the best. They knew how, but I wish they'd known to equip me. And what they did is said, that's okay. You don't need them. We love you. You have us, you don't need them. And. That made me feel loved by them, but it did not equip me for the battle and the culture I was in. Sure. So I had to go, okay, so I'll just build a wall around my heart and I won't, um, try anymore. And things like that. I didn't have any tools to take

21:02

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 21:02

Into the friendships, into the rejection, into being a new person. The kinds of things I tried to talk with my kids so that they could learn to be a friend and not just be self-aware, but to be other aware. Yeah. And my parents didn't know how to equip me. They spoke to my pain instead of my gain. Hmm. Okay. And if I think I wish. I had been better equipped to equip my children, but I tried to, my parents didn't do that. They just loved me and, and grieved with me. And what you're saying, that's where we have to be more mature and look at the long term of who we want our children to become. Yeah. So that we keep that. relationship bridge open, but we sit with them in their pain and then try to walk with them mm-hmm. To understand and how to deal with it. Mm-hmm. I want to be open so they feel safe to come and process with me.

Kyla 21:59

Yeah,

Cheryl 22:00

for sure.

22:00

Sure.

Kyla 22:00

Yeah. This is great. Yeah.,

Cheryl 22:02

well, we're out of time, but our conversation started with, we have an epidemic of loneliness. Right.

22:07

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 22:08

This is why we walk with our kids Through the pain. Yeah, to releasing them Hoping to equip them so that they can take those tools to figure out their life when they leave our house. Exactly. Okay, Kyla, thank you again. This is great. Will you come back in? Yes, I will. Wonderful. Hey parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. Listeners, I know this episode was primarily about your children and their friendships and working with that. But I didn't want to close out today without talking about us. The desire for connection and real friendship and the pain of loneliness. It's also a reality for us as adults to different degrees off mic. Both Kyla and I were talking about our own loneliness struggles and how we deal with them. Please let me encourage you to reach out to somebody. Take that next step. Even though it might be a little intimidating, it will be worth it. Maybe simply text someone and say, Hey, let's meet for coffee or invite a couple over for dinner, or have someone join you taking a walk. We are created for connection and relationships. Don't stay alone in that loneliness. If it would help, maybe you could reach out to your doctor or counselor, or your pastor or minister. We're not made to walk this life alone. If you'd like to share your thoughts, you can reach me anytime at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or through social media. Thanks for joining us today. I'll look forward to meeting with you next time.