Chat with Cheryl: Bridge Work: Keeping the Way Open Between Us | Ep. 160

When connection with your child starts to feel shaky, what can you do? In this episode, we’re talking about the invisible—but powerful—relationship bridge between you and your child, and how to keep it clear, strong, and open at every stage.

Transcript

0:06

After we finished recording last week, Kyle and I kept talking and she brought up something we mention all the time here on the Parenting podcast, the Relationship bridge. She wanted to know what it actually looks like in real life, and I realized we've never really slowed down to unpack it. So today, Christie and I are going to do just that, whether your kids are toddlers or 20 somethings. We're talking about how to keep that bridge between you strong, safe, and open. I'm Cheryl Lang, and I'm so glad you're here.

Cheryl 0:49

Christie when Kyla was here last week. Mm-hmm. we talked about friendship. Yeah. And then afterwards off mic, she began talking about the relationship bridge that we talk about all the time here on TPP. And she was saying, so. Talk to me a little more about that. And she was asking well, how would I actually use that? And she started asking application questions. And since that was off mic, right? I thought, wow, well why don't you and I pick that conversation up and let's talk about it. Because for our long term listeners, it's something we do talk regularly, but I don't think we've ever like focused on it.

Christie 1:27

Yeah, no, I don't think we have ever done a full episode just on keeping that communication bridge open between us and our children and at different ages. That looks different, very much. And by the way, growing. It's

Cheryl 1:41

not just us and children, it's everybody else. True. Yes. Yes. But specific to us here. Right. What are we talking about? So let's figure it out. Let's put words together. You know, we haven't written a book on this, right? Let's talk about what it is and then I like that idea. Yeah, let's go through what, like littles, middles, um, and then our bigs.

Christie 1:59

Yeah. And before we get started, I think it would be good to just say. Obviously the earlier you're able to start these conversation, this atmosphere with your kids, the better. But if you're listening and your kids are well into their teens or in their thirties, right, don't feel discouraged because there's always U-turn. We talk about that all the time. You and I have both done a million U-turn on a million, uh, topics with our kids. So just an encouragement that however old your kids are, you can start today. Absolutely

Cheryl 2:30

Okay. So. but let's define it. Okay. Yes. Hmm. Okay. Christy, the Christie. The relationship bridge is that emotional and relational connection between us and our children. Um, think about it as a path they walk across when they want to open up or ask for help, share their heart or just be near you. It's invisible, but it's incredibly real. I think a lot of us forget. I know I have, especially in the business of parenting, just how vital that bridge really is.

Christie 3:05

Right

Cheryl 3:06

And I'm really visual. I like to picture it as a real bridge. Not some massive six lane cement structure with guardrails and traffic signs that we drive across without even thinking, but what I see is more like a rope, wood and rope bridge stretched across a ravine with forest on either side. And so it's wobbly, a little unpredictable, probably sways a little, and you have to be intentional and careful crossing it. And the truth is, we can't make them cross it. That's their choice. But here's the part we can influence. We are responsible for keeping our side of the bridge clear,

Christie 3:57

Right

Cheryl 3:57

kind of like our kitchen. Cleaning it once isn't enough. It takes regular attention. And the yucky stuff, like my pride or criticism or trying to control what's not mine. To control. Those kind of things can pile up like a bunch of dirty dishes, making it harder for our kids to trust the way across, but. If that bridge stays clear from our end, welcoming, safe, and Open, I think they're gonna be far more likely to cross it and to trust us with what they bring with them.

Christie 4:32

That's so good, Cheryl.

Cheryl 4:34

Mm-hmm.

Christie 4:34

Right. Yeah. Just anything that would be a barrier between your heart and theirs connecting. Um, that's unnecessary from my end. Yes.

Cheryl 4:44

Okay. So that's kind of what we're talking about. And then I wanted to go back what I said I wanted to say. It is wonderful. God always gives us a new day. We have the opportunity to be different, to make better choices, and to seek to repair things. Mm. Okay. And so I can think of several examples in my life with my children where. I blew it. Mm-hmm. Well, I could think of a million. Me too. But I'm particularly thinking about this bridge as they've gotten older into their older teen years and young adult years, where, uh, they made choices that were different from what I would've made. Mm-hmm. It, I took it a hundred percent personally. Mm-hmm. It felt like. They rejected me and what I believed Sure. Not completely, but some more than others. Mm-hmm. And, um when I wasn't handling correctly, Christie, I reacted instead of responding in love, I put up all kind of barriers on our relationship bridge. I drew walls in the relationship. Mm-hmm. Whether I verbalized it or I just drew'em in my heart, I made a lot of mistakes that way. But here's what I wanna start this whole thing off saying. But I have gone back and I have gone back very specifically when I was the mature, loving me and said, I'm really sorry I put things on this bridge. I don't want to be between us. And we had an open, honest conversation, not about what the issue was, but about the way I handled it. Mm. And I. I am really thankful because at different times I've handled it poorly. But what I wanna say is you can go back and try to repair and the way you do it is by tossing those things off the bridge and making a better bridge to begin with.

Christie 6:48

That's so good, Cheryl. That. That you modeling, that humility just encourages me so much to just do the same. And it's hard. It's hard because you want to be right. You want your voice to be heard. All this. Absolutely. Time. Especially the older they get, you're like, I've been the voice of reason in your life all these years and I still wanna be heard

Cheryl 7:09

and I want the affirmation that. What I did or presented or taught or shared was Right. What meant something right? And you embraced it or you are walking in it. Right. And, uh, that

Christie 7:20

doesn't keep the bridge open. Right. And it's that mutual respect that we're after in our relationships with our kids that we've gotta fight for.

Cheryl 7:27

And I would say, and we're kind of giving the end, the, the summary at the beginning, but I I want to encourage Yeah. Everyone listening humility is the asphalt that covers that bridge. Mm-hmm. It is the cover on the bridge. That's good. That's a great picture. And the more I can put down humility on that bridge, the better I'm gonna work on it. In fact, maybe we could say it's slick and it's easy for me to throw things off the bridge that. Without humility, I would not throw it. Mm-hmm.'cause my pride would say, no, not am I not throwing it down, but I'm gonna nail this in. Right.

Christie 8:02

Well, and it's like we end every episode with, because it's worth it. Yeah, exactly. Right. I mean, it's, it's the times that we've blown it, we know how sour that fruit is and how painful and bitter it can be in the relationship. But the times that we might accidentally get it right or intentionally get it right or go back and make it right. However that happens, it's a sweetness that makes it worth, it's wonderful, the killing our pride and laying down ourselves. I mean,

Cheryl 8:32

right now I have tears in my eyes. Mm. Because I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful for the grace. That I was able to do that.

Christie 8:43

Yeah.

Cheryl 8:44

And for the grace that my children gave me.

8:46

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:47

Even when we continued to disagree about the issue.

8:50

Yeah.

Cheryl 8:50

Because the issue isn't the issue. Right. The issue is our relationship. Right. And. again, I wanna say also this is not throwing boundaries out, either. Sure. Because bridges have to have boundaries or you too easily. fall off into the river yeah. So we're not saying don't have boundaries. Right. But, uh, we're talking about something completely different. Walls. Walls is what we're talking about. Mm-hmm.

Christie 9:10

Yes. Okay, so to the good stuff, the what about with our little bitties?

Cheryl 9:16

Okay. You know, we started

Christie 9:17

out on this parenting journey just madly in love with this newborn baby. And then they learn to talk or really, they, they learn to reach, I mean, they're, yeah, they're pushing back as soon as they can have a little bit of independence in themselves.

Cheryl 9:30

Well, again, it's all of the character Qualities, I was just talking about, but one of the things I like. to keep that bridge open. Mm-hmm. Uh, for me it is to, keep in the forefront of my mind that they're individuals. Mm. And I want to give them as much choice as I can. Okay. Because I have to remain the parent. I have that responsibility. Um. And I have to draw boundaries and I have to hold them accountable and all of that. Mm-hmm. But I want to respect their individuality as a person. Mm-hmm. And one of the ways I'd like to do that is when I'm dealing with them, particularly when they're upset or we're having this conflict on a bridge and they think they should be able to snowplow their way right. Or whatever, um, that I get down with them on their heights. What age are we thinking about right now? Oh, maybe. Two up to five. Okay. Somewhere along in there, Uhhuh. Okay. And then get down on their height with them, particularly that two to four age and look'em in the eye. And again, I have to have myself under control. Mm-hmm. I can't be triggered. Okay. So first I would say if you're triggered, go get UNT triggered.'cause you'll have other times come back and then get down and talk with them eye to eye. Um. Be kind and gentle but firm with them, even though they can't be allowed to do whatever is the issue.

Christie 10:51

Right.

Cheryl 10:52

And, this is where I, I enjoy what we've talked before about giving them the words to do things. Mm-hmm. One of the ways I'd like to do it, and I wish I'd had all this to do with my children, but I'm doing it better in my grandparenting to say. Wow. I can see you're really frustrated, aren't you? Yeah. And they're going nodding yes when they know it and I go and I can understand, tell me about it. And so I actually listen to them even though they're completely wrong. Okay? They're completely wrong in what they want, but their

Christie 11:23

feelings are valid. Their

Cheryl 11:25

feelings are valid. And I, that's the thing. I want them to feel seen and heard. Validated even at three years old. Mm-hmm. This is frustrating that I won't give you ice cream for breakfast. Right. So we're not

Christie 11:37

talking about kids ruling the roost and doing whatever they want. Absolutely not.

Cheryl 11:43

Because kids ruling the roost, why would they be frustrated? Right. They get everything they want. So this is when. You're blocking what they want. Mm-hmm. But I wanna keep that relationship, so I have to learn to keep the relationship while being the parent, while being the mature person. But what they want is. Independence and autonomy.

12:03

Mm-hmm. And

Cheryl 12:04

I like those words because, no, there is no place for autonomy really at this age, but there can be appropriate independence. I want them to be able to tell me. What they want, and that I'm listening, but this is how I build the relationship that I'm listening. Mm-hmm. And I value what they have to say, but I can't do it if I don't have margin. Right. If I'm not slowing down, if I'm, would you just eat your mashed potatoes? Yes. And the thing is, is slowing down. To not accommodate everything Right. But to listen and to listen to what they have to say. And then, no, I've heard you. And the answer's still no. Mm-hmm. But you've let them feel heard. Mm-hmm. And loved What else would you say? Anything else in this age?

Christie 12:49

Yeah, I mean, I think that's really good. I think with. Uh, time when you're validating the feelings, like we're saying, we're not just letting them have their way on everything. No, but we're building rapport with them. We're building that relational equity with them so that they trust us. They have that trust that my mom really does care, or my dad really does care about my feelings or what's important to me. Yes. And with maturity, they're able to say. She might be right about this. She may must have a reason for saying no.'cause I was horribly guilty about no means no. Don't ask why. This is how it is. Yeah. Rather than, like you're saying, getting down on their level and saying, Hey, I know this is a really hard no to hear, but this is the reason why we can't do it that way.

Cheryl 13:35

Or sometimes I don't need to explain. Sure. But just to let them feel seen. Mm-hmm. Because you're gonna do what I tell you to do. Right, right. But just that being seen and not condescending or dismissive. Just because they're little. Yeah. You know, but respecting them so they feel safe to come across the bridge. Even when I tell them No,

Christie 13:56

that's so good. Okay. I think another part of this age group that helps with the bridge is, um, and I think we've said it here before, but listening when we think it doesn't matter. So they'll talk when it does. Absolutely. Um, you know, how many hours have you sat and listened about the different types of dinosaurs or about the Lego creation but the

Cheryl 14:16

reason we're doing it is we're valuing their individuality, what they value. Yes. So they feel free to walk across that bridge,

Christie 14:24

right? And taking the time to get the pink bow instead of the purple, or go back in for the right socks or whatever it is that your child is particular about validates their, um, their needs and those relational needs that I need to know that I can come to you with the things that are important to me.

Cheryl 14:43

And I think what everything we just said. It's for the middles as well. Mm-hmm. It's the same thing. It's just a little different. Yeah. They're not a temper tantrum over, they can't have the red crayon. Right. It's not that they're a little bit. Different, they're more expansive and you have to start bringing a little more independence into it. Mm-hmm. While still remaining the parent and like what you're just saying, this conversation of validation. We just have more mature conversations. Yeah. But I think it's kind of basically the same in this, next season.

Christie 15:16

Well, yeah. In that next season, would you say. I love the distinction you gave between autonomy and independence. Yeah. I hadn't really thought of those two things being different. Um, would you say that that independence is starting to grow in this season?

Cheryl 15:29

Oh, yes!!

Christie 15:29

That you're giving up some more of those things that used to put your foot down, but now you kind of have to say, all right, he doesn't like soccer. We, we don't have to play soccer. That's right. And so we're letting them develop a little more who they are. Mm-hmm. Again, it's that validation. Without sacrificing being their parent, I have a responsibility to parent them well, but like I've always said I want to say yes as much as I can. Yeah'cause No is so easy. It is so easy. So I think even in this age that we're giving them a little more freedom, a little more freedom, a little more independence, but. Um, remaining the parent. Yeah. That's really good. And now we get to a little more challenging season. Ah, this is where we should have the sound effects that go Don. Don. Don.

Cheryl 16:20

Okay. So what does it look like during the teen years? Mm-hmm. It's really tough. Yeah. Because of all the things we've talked about. Mm-hmm.. So one of the things we can do with those first two seasons is a lot of teaching with it. You know, like we talked about, well, the reason I'm not doing that and Right. And we can do a lot of explanations and then the part of the problem of the teen years is not only are we giving them more independence and fringing of some autonomy mm-hmm. There's a little shading of autonomy, but they're still dependent on us. Right. I, I think the way we can keep that bridge more open is we stop all the teaching. Mm. Because in the first two stages, that's where the primary opportunity to teach is.

Christie 17:09

Right?

Cheryl 17:10

And then as they're in the teen years, we have to. Be quiet with the teaching. Mm-hmm. And, and so by teaching, not only talking about, well, this is why, and dah, dah, dah, and we are connecting the dots.

17:22

Mm.

Cheryl 17:23

And then increasingly in their teen years, we had to quit connecting the dots for'em. Mm-hmm. And it's so hard that. I can't say so much. If I say too much, I'm putting things on the bridge.'cause mom, you're treating me like a 4-year-old mom. they feel disrespect. Mm-hmm. When we comment too much. Mm-hmm. Particularly on their style or the music or everything when we have an opinion about everything. Particularly, one thing that's a terrible rock to put on the bridge is, well, when I was your age. Right. Or, well, I never liked that, you know? Yeah. Clearly, Stevie Wonder is a much better musician than some of the ones say listen to, but I'm not going to say that. Right. I'm not going to do that. That comparison. Mm-hmm. And to say this is superior to that. I want to encourage their independence and. The quieter I am with all my commentary and opinions and the more And better I listen the more they're gonna tend to come across the bridge. Hmm. That's so good. And then one of the best tools we can have is really good questions where we. Actually are open to letting them say what they want and we don't have to critique it and tweak it and say, well actually you said very, and it's really not very, it's just we have to stop all of that. Right. Fine tuning yes. Of what they think and. Oh, just do a lot

Christie 18:52

more listening. Right? Yeah. We have very limited voice in the, in the instructional ways or the even in, um. Just good old fashioned advice. I mean, I know with my teens there were so many times I just wanted to give advice, like a word from the wise kind of stuff, but we have to choose that sparingly so that we're not shut out. It's true. And it that has to increase as we go towards 18, right? Yeah. Emancipation a 13 and an 18-year-old are obviously gonna be very different.

Cheryl 19:26

It's different, for example, speed limits. Okay. Here I sit at my age and I've never had a ticket ever. That's amazing. I may get one today, but so far I haven't. I would like to remind my young drivers, Uhhuh, there's a reason why that three five is written on that speed limit sign. Yes. And I have to shut my mouth Uhhuh for two reasons. One, mom, you're always telling me what to do That. To them it sounds it's perceived as such disrespect to the independence of the person they're becoming.

19:59

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 19:59

So I'm telling them the things that you tell the little five and six year olds, even though it's for their benefit and even though they may paying hundreds of dollars of tickets. Right. I need to not do that. I need to be very cautious. Right. Of all the reminders the old require, don't remind. Mm-hmm. It should be Cardinal Rule during the teen years. Listeners, I'm gonna jump in here for just a second. I hate to interrupt, but we're gonna have to hit pause on this conversation. Christie and I ended up talking a bit too long because honestly, this topic is just that important. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna call this part one, and next week we'll pick up right where we left off with that Cardinal rule require, don't remind you're gonna wanna hear more about that, so hang on and be sure you're following the Parenting podcast so you don't miss it when we continue this conversation in part two. And remember, parents Hang in there. Keep loving, keeping that bridge as open as you can. Keep persevering because it's worth it.

21:13

Before we go, I just wanna bring us back to something that's easy to forget in the middle of parenting decisions, discipline, even just daily routines, relationships come first. That connection between us and our children. That bridge we've been talking about, it's not just a nice idea. It is central to how we love how we lead and how we live with those closest to us. Because the truth is we can get everything else right, the rules, the meals, the schedules, the answers. But if we lose the relationship, we have lost something foundational. So what if we choose to walk with our children with connection as the priority? What if we lead with humility and what if we make that bridge safe, not perfect, that kind of parenting. It is not a always easy, but it's powerful. It's the kind that shapes hearts, not just behavior. And I truly believe it's the kind that can have lasting impact, not just for the time they're at home. But for the rest of their lives, let me know what this brought up for you. I'd love to hear your thoughts or stories. Reach out any time at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us on social media. We're in this with you. See you next time.