Chat with Cheryl: Bridge Work, Part 2 — Boundaries, Consequences, and Connection | Ep. 161

What keeps the bridge open as our kids grow up?  This episode explores how boundaries, emotional control, and quiet consistency can hold the weight of connection — especially in the teen years and beyond

Transcript

0:06

Welcome to the Parenting Podcast. I am your host, Cheryl Lang. In our last episode, Christie and I began answering a listener's question about building and maintaining a strong relationship bridge with our children and through every stage of parenting, the conversation ran a little long, so we're continuing it. In this episode. We've already walked through how this idea applies in the early years, and now we're moving into the teen years and beyond. First, I'll back up just a little bit to catch you up on the main idea. And then step into a practical tool that can really help require, don't remind along with other ideas to actually help keep that relationship bridge strong and open, especially as our kids grow more independent. I'm so glad you're here. Let's jump back in.

Cheryl 1:09

Christie, The relationship bridge is that emotional and relational connection between us and our children. Um, think about it as a path they walk across when they want to open up or ask for help, share their heart or just be near you. It's invisible, but it's incredibly real. I think a lot of us forget. I know I have, especially in the business of parenting, just how vital that bridge really is.

Christie 1:38

Right

Cheryl 1:39

And I'm really visual. I like to picture it as a real bridge. Not some massive six lane cement structure with guardrails and traffic signs that we drive across without even thinking, but what I see is more like a wood and rope bridge stretched across a ravine with forest on either side. And so it's wobbly, a little unpredictable, probably sways a little, and you have to be intentional and careful crossing it. And the truth is, we can't make them cross it. That's their choice. But here's the part we can influence. We are responsible for keeping our side of the bridge clear,

Christie 2:29

Right That's so good, Cheryl.

Cheryl 2:31

Mm-hmm.

Christie 2:31

Yeah. Just anything that would be a barrier between your heart and theirs connecting. Um, that's unnecessary from my end. Yes. Okay. So on this'cause I know what you're not saying is just like with the little ones, we're not letting our teens just run wild. Absolutely. Run on all over us and whatever they feel is right, they should get to do. Absolutely not. Explain more about. The requiring part of required, don't remind. Okay. So

Cheryl 2:57

I like to establish the required up front to let them know what the boundaries are. Okay. What, freedom and responsibilities they have. Mm-hmm. Also Christie, one of the reasons I really like the require don't remind is because it sets up a pattern I'm not nagging. Right. It's clear expectations. And just helps keep our side of the bridge clear, Mm-hmm. Because they know ahead of time, whatever it is. You might set it up, for example, saying You must clean the bathroom before you leave. That's a requirement. Okay. So if they don't, then there has to be a consequence. I don't wanna go, did you clean the bathroom? Did you clean the bathroom? Yes. Now there might be a place, um, when they're younger in the teen years that I might say, I know you have to be there at this time, but we're not gonna leave until the bathroom's clean for the rest of the family. Right. Well, mom, that's not fair. I have to go, I have to be there on time. I'm in charge. Da, da da. Yeah, I hear you. But. did you know that you had this responsibility? Yes, I did. And there's a place for Grace, but I'm just saying let consequences do as much teaching as possible. one of the things, and I, I don't know if we've said it here, we've talked about how our teaching years are when they're younger, and that we want to be sure and pack all that in because then as they get older, it's not appropriate for us to teach so much, Right. We have to let consequences do the teaching. But along with that, I think the amount of talking we do mm-hmm. Should be less. Okay.

Christie 4:32

Right.

Cheryl 4:32

Okay. Like when they get those tickets? Mm-hmm. If I've been reminding them over and over, oh, you're speeding, you're floating that stop sign. Right. Some of my kids have floated stop signs all their lives, and I just keep my mouth shut about it. Okay. But they. Paid a lot of tickets

Christie 4:48

well and keeping our mouth shut at the front end and at the back end. Absolutely. After the fact when they get the ticket, we're not gonna swing it around at the dinner table. I'm like, look what So and so got

Cheryl 4:58

or the family ridicule them? Yes. And also, it helps me and my emotions

Christie 5:03

Yeah. And just removing, like you said, removing that emotion and making it more factual. This is the expectation. If it's not met, this will be the consequence. And that's the end of the story. Neither of us need to get. Too worked up about it.

Cheryl 5:15

Even though we might be inside. Yes. Right.

Christie 5:19

Even though we're fuming over the toilet. That's not clean.

Cheryl 5:22

Okay. You had something really great that you say, I love what you said. Oh, wow. That sounds harder. What is it? Oh, something. You have a very compassionate, kind, authentic, I hate that for

Christie 5:35

you, or I hate that you're, I hate that you're having to deal with that.

Cheryl 5:38

Oh, that is so good. Yeah. It's perfect! And then you let the weight of the consequences be on their end of the bridge. Mm-hmm. For them. And I'm not adding extra from my end.

Christie 5:50

right, because it's compassionate. I know what it's like to go through. Suffering your own consequences. Yes, we all do. And so I want to show compassion for the feeling of that, but I do want my children to have consequences for their poor choices. Yes.

Cheryl 6:04

And there are things that are unacceptable. Mm-hmm. The way they speak to me, for example, I want to keep the bridge open. Well, if anybody is ever involved with a teenager, they're very volatile this age, and their opinions change maybe hour by hour. Mm-hmm. So, so this is the volatility we're talking about. So I have to be really careful. There are certain ways of speaking to the people in our home. Right. And to me as your parent, that it's just unacceptable. Right. And so I can allow them emotion and a lot more than what I would take from an 8-year-old.

6:36

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:37

a little of independence in the way they talk. But I'm gonna set some boundaries. Right. The wisdom of talking about it and saying, this is outside of how I'm gonna allow you speak to me.

6:47

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 6:47

And so if we're gonna continue this conversation, it's gonna have to change. That's good. But that's even giving a lot of bounce in there, and trying to keep that bridge open. We can keep the bridge open, and keep talking. If you'll talk within certain boundaries. Mm-hmm. And boundaries are really it. Yeah. I have to keep certain boundaries, but be pretty flexible.

7:07

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 7:08

Um, and then certain conduct, this is unacceptable, right. And, I would say underplay my hand rather than overplay it. Like you're talking about, let's say they do get an F. Mm-hmm. And they're gonna have to go to summer school. Mm-hmm. Well, it's important. We're gonna talk about the F and we're gonna talk about what got them to the F and we're gonna do all of that, but I don't want to. Grind it in the ground. Right. And keep remind them, oh, by the way, it's that not studying that got you there. Yes. But we're gonna go back and we're gonna revisit your time on video games and your time, how much soccer you're playing. So there is a place to keep parenting where the consequences

Christie 7:49

are less emotional and more. Consequential as they

Cheryl 7:52

should

Christie 7:52

be. Absolutely

Cheryl 7:54

I would teach less and consequence more.

Christie 7:57

Right. That's really good. Yeah. I, I was laughing the other day because we, you know, we still have two young adult daughters living at home, Uhhuh and growing up when they were young teens, we had one of those boundaries that we set was, you do not slam doors in this house. We're not gonna, you know, you can be upset, you can be frustrated. We're not gonna storm off and slam the door. So one of my adult daughters the other day, she, we had. An exchange of words. It was a little bit of emotional conversation, but it was all fair game. Yeah. It was nothing inappropriate. And so she leaves the room after the conversation's over and the, something about the airflow in the house sucked. Her door closed and she opened the door and yelled, I didn't slam that door on purpose. And I just thought of that when you were saying that because that's a boundary we had set. And you, you have to set a culture in your home of where our, our healthy boundaries are.

Cheryl 8:46

Yes. You know, it's not as hard and fast as is with a 3-year-old. And letting them talk about what they're interested in. We, I mean we've said it like with the Legos, with the little ones Yeah. But increasingly mm-hmm. As they age. I want to be interested in what they're interested in. And so I end up doing a lot less talking.

Christie 9:07

Right. And I really like the idea of being a student of your kids. Yes. And getting in their thoughts and asking questions. Mm-hmm. More than telling or lecturing. Ask them, oh, that's interesting. Tell me more about why. You chose these colors or chose to, you know, build the Lego creation this way or whatever the, the fun thing is, but then also the heavier things. Yeah. You know, tell me what you love about this friend group. Or tell me, what about this music you're connecting with right now?

Cheryl 9:35

I really like that. but this is where we have to be genuine. Sure. Because the problem is I cannot be like a lawyer Uhhuh, who asks these really good questions. Right. But I'm leading them somewhere.'cause I wanna snag something. Yes, exactly. Or turn it back on them or trip them up to get them to confess something.

Christie 9:55

Right. I'm using this time to learn, yeah. What my child values. And what's important to them and what they are motivated by which shows that we value them. Right. Yeah. One thing I know I have not always done well is, is choose appropriate timing Oh. And been wise in, um, when I address certain issues. Yes, absolutely. Especially with teens, because they, you know, teens get tired, they get fussy, moms get tired, they get fussy. And just being mindful of, you know, entering in the conversation first by, Hey, how was your day? checking in and seeing where their mental space is. Are they having a hard day already? Is this going to be an appropriate time? Am I emotionally fueled in this moment? And just timing is important.

Cheryl 10:42

It really, it, it is so hard. I have failed in that so much. Particularly as they get older. Mm-hmm. I would say with little ones, it's like physical safety. Right. Stop, don't run the street. Yes. Yes. Then the issues get bigger and different and more expansive, and particularly with our teens, if we're doing that releasing and more freedom and even more autonomy, right? Then, we may see them moving into areas that. We feel we need to scream about and go, sure. You pierced your what Yeah. Or whatever it is. Right. Uhhuh. And we didn't even talk about it. Right. I mean, so hard. You get blindsided by it or you see something that is important. Mm-hmm. Um, and how would you do it? How would we handle it? Like, uh, I don't know, walking in and you see your teen and they go, okay, mom, guess what? I decided I dropped all the clubs I was in you know, that I was doing towards getting this scholarship. And also, well, I'm not in that service organization. I. And I also dropped out of the football team. Right. And we thought they were gonna get a scholarship. I'm just saying I'm kind of painting a package. Yeah. They were able to make those decisions let's say uh, end of junior year, Mm-hmm. So they're towards the end, but just that heavy package. Yeah. I would so react to that. Right. And now we're talking about waiting for the proper timing and emotion. Right. So Christy, oh gosh, lead me down that path. How would we do that?

Christie 12:11

Well, I'm just thinking of my own personal experiences. I have definitely been honest and said this is a lot for me. Well, that's good and I'm gonna need to think about how I wanna respond to you right now and if, if you can find any sliver of positivity, like, Hey, I'm proud of you for. Being an advocate for yourself or something in that moment, it's helpful because then it doesn't feel like rejection or, oh gosh, I'm really gonna get it now. But yeah, I have surely not had the right response. Wow. A million times over. But if I can breathe and say. I know what I'm gonna say in this moment is not what I really wanna say to you right now. I'm gonna need some time.

Cheryl 12:51

That is so good. That is really the answer.'cause then we go and I get myself under control. Right. Well, and that kind of what we've been talking about Is respecting their individuality. Mm-hmm. Okay. The problem is, and we've recently done an episode on birth order and we talk about strengths and shadow sides and how different everybody is. Mm-hmm. And I think a lot of times the differences show up much greater. in this teen season that we're talking about, and particularly if we are trying to allow our children to spread their wings Yeah. And do different things, uh, a lot of that, like what we're just saying, it may actually not be what we wanted for them. Mm-hmm. Or they're doing something very different from sort of the direction the family's been going. Right. Again, maybe everybody's all into sports and suddenly they're dropping out of sports. Yeah. That again, we take the time to listen and respect the individuality. Mm-hmm. Of. Who they're becoming. Right. And one of the phrasing that I'd like to use is I love to see the person you're becoming. Mm-hmm. and try to look at it with such positive eyes for the development I see in them. Or what you said. You know, the courage to do something that's different. Yeah. Maybe no one's ever gone to college and they're the first ones who are going to try it or. Um, they're going into an area of art that they've never done mm-hmm. Whatever it is, trying to celebrate Right. The qualities of that individual because we value them.

Christie 14:28

Yeah. And I think. This is where we have to check our own motives and expectations. Yeah. Of what our preferences might have been for our child may not match who they are becoming. It's true. And we have to celebrate who they are, not who we wanted them to be. Yes, absolutely. As hard as that might be, to be honest with ourselves in that moment, it's,

Cheryl 14:50

it is so hard. I think in all of this, I would say raining in my expectations. Mm-hmm. So much of this is a lot of my being really open handed towards them.

Christie 15:03

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 15:04

And my being more mature and choosing to love them. One of the definitions that we used to say at home when we talked about loving the other person, is that love is doing what's best for the other person. Mm mm-hmm. And so if I can keep that before me in all of these, whatever age they are in order, to actually focus on building that bridge of relationship. Doing what's best for them.'cause there are places to say, no, this isn't allowed. Right. And even if you tell me I'll never come across that bridge, Even all of that, if it's the right thing and the loving thing for them. Mm-hmm. At any age. Yeah. Whether it's ice cream in their little or the really big issues mm-hmm. When they're older, I want to try and love them best. Right. Yes. Okay. You've mentioned young adults. Yes. Okay. I will say, and we've had full episodes on this. Christie, it's different even than the teen years because they are released to full adulthood, even though maybe they're not fully financially independent. Mm-hmm. They are full adults and this is where the word autonomy actually comes in. Uh, if you are financially responsible for some things, you do have the right to speak into it, to a degree.

16:19

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 16:20

Yeah. Right. As an individual adult, we may fully disagree on something, but I need to treat them with the same respect and caution and. Honor that I would talk to someone else. Even though there might be really. serious Mm-hmm. With what they're choosing. Mm-hmm. And they're gonna pay consequences. This is why I hope I spent their childhood showing them through consequences, your choices have results. Right. Your choice will determine what happens next. And we shouldn't connect the dots for a young adult? Mm-hmm. That's their job to connect for themselves. Oh, mom, I decide I'm not gonna file my income tax. You know, because I don't think the government should get my money. Well, I'm not gonna say anything. Yeah. and then when they. Got a fine or whatever. I don't wanna ever say snarky things like, how's that working for you? Mm-hmm. I don't want to show that in my face. I want to show respect and I have to fully release them as adults for their own consequences and keep my personality, my,frustrations, all of that off the bridge so they feel safe to come across.

Christie 17:27

That's really good, Cheryl, and that I can sit

Cheryl 17:29

with them and love them and grieve with them. And not bail them out. That's the other thing, when they come across that bridge, like I said, there's a place for grace, but in general, I'm not gonna bail them out. Mm-hmm. I want to love them so well. That the three-year-old loses their Tonka truck because they threw it at their sister. Um, the 8-year-old has to sit out and can't play the next round of the game because they cheated, and then now these older or grown ones are paying these hard consequences. Mm-hmm. Learning that their choices. Do matter, and I'm not gonna say I told you so, and I will help you, but I'm not gonna bail you out. Mm-hmm.

Christie 18:12

That's just so good. It's, you know, what you said about, just like you and I have a friendship, that's what our young adults are becoming. We have to have that mutual respect for them as another individual, not as a person. We. Own. I mean, in parenting sometimes we just think we own these children. Yeah, absolutely. But we're working towards completely releasing them. We no longer have a say over their choices.

Cheryl 18:38

And actually I have more freedom to say something to you than I do my children. Yeah, because it runs by different rules! I really have to be cautious for negative, corrective, informative. Mm-hmm. especially, teaching comments to my young adults. Right, because it is always on the table, right. Different than it is with other non children adults.

Christie 19:02

Yeah. We often, or with our girls will say. Hey, are you asking what I think about this? Because sometimes my girls will go on and on and on and they'll just wait and I'm like, are you wanting my input? Or are you just wanting to talk? And they'll say, I just wanted to talk, or, yeah, tell me what to do. You know? And they have to almost beg me for my opinion on

Cheryl 19:24

something you're so wise. cause I was just gonna say we're out of time. Yeah. But I was going to say As they age, the teen years and in their young adult years, there've been times where I've been very quiet and they go, mom, you're so quiet. It's deafening. And yes, my silence is very loud if I trying to bite my tongue and then they say, I really wanna hear what you think about this. Mm-hmm. And. I am cautious with that. Sometimes I go, well, let me think about it. Let me pray about it and I'll get back to you.

Christie 19:52

Because even when they invite us in, we wanna make sure we're being gracious Yes. And wise with our advice.

Cheryl 19:59

It it is true.

19:59

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 20:00

Or it's just not the right thing. Right. I wanna be discerning, am I supposed to speak into this? Yeah. And, uh, it's tricky. Okay. But remember the whole goal of this was keeping that relational bridge open from my end. Yes. And as I show respect them as individuals and their independence and autonomy as they age, I'm pitching all these other things off that. humility slick bridge from my side. Yeah. So they feel safe to come over and be seen and loved and valued. And then maybe I might also have the chance to speak into their lives mm-hmm. As they age.

Christie 20:37

It's so good. Cheryl, thank you for talking now in this, this chronological road with us and, and helping us learn to navigate that bridge clearing,

Cheryl 20:45

It is really important, I would say that bridge and the health of that bridge should be an important priority I do in my parenting. Mm. Yeah. It's the

Christie 20:57

only

Cheryl 20:57

part that lasts the lifetime. That's exactly right. And. Let's say they choose really different routes from what I would've done in all kinds of ways. Mm-hmm. If that bridge is open, I always have the opportunity to connect with them, to love them, and possibly be an influence. Right. I wanna close with a really good quote. I thought it was so good about this relationship bridge you can't force connection. But you can keep the bridge strong, steady, and safe so that when they're ready, your child will know where to find you. Wow. That is powerful. That's it.

Christie 21:36

It's so true because we, we can't force a lot of things that, but we can be available

Cheryl 21:41

and that's great.'cause we've spent two whole episodes talking about how important relationship is. Yeah. And I think that sums it up. That's so good. So parents remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keeping that bridge as open as you can. Keep persevering because it's worth it.

22:05

There's a quiet kind of strength in parenting. The kind that doesn't rush to fix or fill the silence. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is weight, wait. What with open hands, a steady heart and a bridge that's clear and safe to cross. Maybe that means holding back from that second reminder or resisting the urge to soften a consequence. Maybe it's choosing to sit beside them in the quiet, letting love do its work without adding more words. So here's a gentle challenge for the week. When the moment comes and it will pause, step back and ask yourself, does this need my voice or just my presence? Because trust is always built by what we say. Sometimes it grows strongest in the quiet, in the space where love has room to breathe. However it looks in your family right now, keep showing up. Your presence matters. Your calm matters. Your love is doing more than you know. And I want to hear how it's going. You can reach out anytime to our website or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. We're in it with you. Bridge Builders together.