When Birthdays Mean More than Age | Ep. 163

Birthdays can be more than celebrations—they can be intentional moments to hand off growth. In this episode, we explore how “birthday boxes” can help parents pace privilege, responsibility, and freedom with purpose through every stage of childhood.

Transcript

0:06

Some birthdays come with cake, confetti, and balloons, but what if they came with something more? I've been thinking lately about how we mark the years with our kids, not just the celebration, the growth. What if each birthday came with something intentional? Small handoff of freedom, a new responsibility, a sign of growing up. I'm Cheryl Lange today on the Parenting Podcast. We are revisiting the idea of birthday boxes. Not something you buy, but something you build into your family culture. Whether your child is five or 15. This episode is all about raising them with purpose, one step at a time.

Cheryl 1:00

A few weeks ago we mentioned something, Christie, that we haven't talked about in quite a while. Mm-hmm. On TPP and it's birthday boxes. Yes. And I just got thinking we haven't revisited it or talked about it in a long time. It's been a while. Mm-hmm. So for those of you that don't remember, several years ago when we really were a fledgling Podcast,

1:22

mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:23

TPPs friend and our personal friend, Dr. Kelly Stevens, who's a pediatrician, was so gracious to come on and talk. And one of the things that he recommends to his clients and families is birthday boxes, right? It was fun to interview him and to hear about it. So how would we summarize birthday boxes, its an. Intentional plan that you do as a family.

1:46

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 1:47

It's not just that you have a gift, but you're incrementally doing things in your family at certain ages, or at certain milestones. Right. I think almost more than anything it's milestones.

Christie 1:58

Yes. So if you hadn't heard the previous episodes, you may be wondering like three years ago, what is a birthday box and where do I buy one? Do they have'em on Amazon? We're not necessarily saying, unless you wanna get. Creative and make an actual birthday box I'm sure you could design something on Canva to make this real cute. Um, but they're figurative birthday boxes that we're talking about where it's the idea of something you're passing to your child at certain ages.

Cheryl 2:28

Yeah. But it can be actually. Bequeathed on a birthday. Right. You know, you can do it as what works for your family, right? Or your lifestyle. Exactly. But you're right, we're talking about figurative birthday boxes. Mm-hmm. Not necessarily a beautifully wrapped package. Right. For example, at six years old this Right. And at 10 years old this, or at 16 years old, and some of em are actual physical gifts. Mm-hmm. And some of them are Privileges and some of'em are the gift of responsibility. Right.

Christie 3:02

Right. Which is, you know, always the dreaded gift that, that children are like, oh man, I didn't think about that. Yeah, even though I don't think I had language for birthday boxes, as my kids were growing up or anything concrete, but we did have a little bit of a natural rhythm as my kids were growing that we had certain things that we would evaluate on whether we wanted to give that. Freedom or that responsibility to that child at that birthday. And, um, it's a great idea to make it more of a concrete, celebratory thing that kids can look forward to on a birthday.

Cheryl 3:41

I like it too, and I like this expansion that it's not just. Everybody gets a bike at four years old. Right. Or whatever it is.'cause sometimes it is something physical, uhhuh, but a little bit a rite of passage. Yes. I like that. Because I think in our modern society, we don't have a lot of rites of passage. Mm-hmm right. Like, in the Jewish culture, their bar mitzvah, their baz mitzvah is huge. Mm. Mm-hmm. And I see that in other cultures mm-hmm. They have a special age as a certain rite of passage to a new maturity Right. And I think in our casual culture, we've kind of either overdone it or we just don't have rites of passage.

Christie 4:27

Right. Yeah. And I think, uh, the gift that it is to parents is um, the call to intentionality. Yeah, yeah. In each of those birthdays that we're being mindful and not just, like you're saying, being flippant of, you know, oh, everyone just gets to do everything all the time and Yeah, it takes away some of the specialness if it's just always accessible to you. And from the beginning,

Cheryl 4:51

I think maybe like something common, normal like piercing ears for girls. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Maybe for guys too, right? But particularly ear piercing, uh, was a conversation we had in our home a lot. Mm-hmm. And can we do it? I don't wanna do it. And we talked about it, and so and so did it. Right. And so there was a little bit of conflict. Personally, when I was a widowed parent, as a single parent, I felt a lot of pressure because my kids would kind of unite together and come and, you know, mm-hmm. Come to me. Wow. Mom, look so and so. It's done it, and this, this build their argument, build arguments, and it, it would have simplified my struggle I would've loved to have had the idea of birthday box, not just, oh, for your birthday, surprise. Mm-hmm. We're giving you pierced ears, but I think maybe designing more of the growth path, like you said, the word intentional. Intentional family culture. Mm-hmm.

5:45

That

Cheryl 5:45

let's just arbitrarily say 10 years old and that then they know at 10. That's gonna be their birthday box, that they physically probably will unwrap the earrings. But also that's when, yes, you can have your ears pierced if you want to. Right. And so I'm looking back and for me, it would've eliminated some of the pressure about it. Mm-hmm. the tendency to give in or to want to please my children, or the ease of saying no. I, I don't know what to do, so I'm just gonna say no.

Christie 6:19

Right.

Cheryl 6:19

Or just delay it if it's something I didn't like. Delay it rather than think it through. instead use this intentionality make it part of our family culture

Christie 6:29

Yeah. Well, and I think for the kids it builds anticipation and excitement and it brings a weight to the maturing process. You know, I, it, I don't know about you, but. When my kids would get a new privilege, they just walked a little taller, you know? Right. When they found out they were going to get to, you know, sit in the front seat or, get to do some of those big kid things, they're like, oh, all the siblings look at me kind of feel, and, and that's fine. I mean, I think that's a good thing for them to feel the, um. The good kind of pride Yes. Of getting to walk in a a freer space as you grow up and mature.

Cheryl 7:09

So I gave a concrete example of ear piercing. Mm-hmm. But what would be some of the other type privileges? Because I think this really should be used. For responsibility and privileges.'cause we always say here with freedom and privilege, come responsibility.

Christie 7:25

Right.

Cheryl 7:25

And I love that as a maturing thing. Mm-hmm. That you might do it. So sitting in the front seat, maybe what would be some other ideas of privileges, responsibilities that we might use in birthday boxes or at certain milestones?

Christie 7:41

Right. Well privileges. I mean you can start as young as they're able to understand the idea three, four or five years old. That's true. Um, maybe they get to, you know, stay up a little later at bedtime than the baby. That could be a really big deal to a 5-year-old. If they're staying up till eight o'clock and the baby's going down at seven, that would feel like an exciting thing. Well, I

Cheryl 8:03

remember, When my oldest was. Eighth grade or something. So had several little ones behind her. She got to stay up till nine o'clock.

8:14

Mm. And so

Cheryl 8:14

you're saying that a 4-year-old will feel it? Well, this eighth grader, mm-hmm. That that was a big deal, that she could stay up and all the little ones had to go to bed.

Christie 8:25

Right.

Cheryl 8:26

I wish I would've liked. It to have had it more where it carried more weight. Mm-hmm. Again, I think it just kind of builds a culture that yes, at this age, now you get to do it because with that, like we talked about several episodes ago when we talked about birth order.

8:44

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl 8:45

That first one in particular, as you're aging, you get more responsibility. Mm-hmm. And so we want to say, wow, as you're taking on these responsibility, here's another. Bequeathed privilege that comes along with it, right?

Christie 8:59

Yeah. And then I think on the responsibility end in these birthday boxes, it, it's important to maybe even balance them some so that they make that connection. Like, what do you mean Adding responsibility each time. Maybe not one to one, but Yeah. You know, some, some balance to the amount of responsibilities you're increasing in your kids' lives. Each birthday, I'm thinking, you know, chores, maybe certain chores that they're, yeah, they're now responsible for the family pet, or, um, yeah. If that's the privilege, then that's, you know, there's a responsibility that comes with that or. While, you know, they get to sit in the front seat, they're, they're responsible for helping clean out the car or something that's attached to the privilege, I think is good.

Cheryl 9:42

I think that's really good because. I think it reflects like what I was talking about, like in the Jewish culture. It is a really big deal that. 13 years old that Bar Mitzvah, historically they also got new responsibilities. Uh, I think they may even have started referring to as men. And so they gave them new responsibility that came with the privileges. Mm-hmm. I think even like the way they wore their hair, the different clothes, I remember. Hmm. With my dad. It seems like there was a thing about wearing short pants that it used to be here in the American culture and particularly in the south, that up to a certain age little boys all wore shorts. Oh, okay. And so it was a really big deal when you could start wearing long pants. Oh, that's so interesting. Because it was like men, I don't remember exactly, but I remember my dad talking about, Long pants meant growing up. And I, like that. What I heard from him, and it reflected a new place in their culture. like you're saying, the calling them up to something. Right. Not just here you get this really nice set of earrings or whatever, but calling them up to a new standard as you're aging. Because if we. Look at parenting as a continual releasing process. Mm-hmm. We're always wanting to call them up to more, not just more freedom. Right. But more maturity, more responsibilities, a bigger picture of things. Mm-hmm. And I think birthday boxes just works into it. If we could. Build it in to be that sort of a tool.

Christie 11:20

Right. And it really is gifting your children because as, as they're growing up, 6, 7, 8, up until, you know, 16, 17, 18. Yeah. Um, we're working towards, like you said, that releasing and it's giving them the gift of stamina and endurance and, um. The ability to carry more than one thing at a time. Yeah. I'm watching, you know, the, the caboose in my family, of my, of my kids, and they're about to start moving out and, um. I remember when they all started getting jobs around 16 Uhhuh, a lot of our kids got part-time jobs and they were having to juggle school and part-time work and family relationships and friends. yeah. But now at, you know, 19 to 20, up to 26, my girls are now they're able to balance those things as adults because that's what adults. Have to do. That's true. You have to give the kids the gift of intentionally learning how to carry more than one thing at a time.

Cheryl 12:25

And along with this, rather than just thinking, oh, at this age, they open the box and there's an iPhone. Mm-hmm. Not that kind of thing, but the different. Ways this could be used. One, I thought it might be at a certain age, our gift to you is you can begin to make a certain decision that we made before. Oh yeah. For you. That we used to make this decision. Right. For example, maybe there was a bedtime and you have to get to bed and you and the lights off, no devices. Mm-hmm. Again, the intentionality that we, as your parents, we've discussed it, we've thought about it, and we're saying, okay, at this age you can begin to make that decision. Right. And you can stay up as late as you want. Mm-hmm., but maybe under a certain age. There are no devices, but you can stay up. Mm-hmm. Or whatever the mixture is you want to do. Right. But like you just mentioned, but you have the responsibility. You still have to get up in the morning, you still have to do your responsibilities. You still have to do all your schoolwork, your grades have to stay up, and so you have An entire package that sometimes it comes with. So they're getting the maturity aspect of it. Some accountability. Mm-hmm. Not just more freedom.

Christie 13:33

Right. You know, I'm thinking too, just as you're saying that of another benefit I hadn't thought of with this. Is it's training us as parents,

13:43

as, as

Christie 13:44

we are giving them those responsibilities, we're taking those off of our plate. So once you give the child this gift of responsibility in this area, there's exceptions where maybe you realize the child wasn't quite ready. But for the most part, we need to make sure we're not taking that responsibility back and putting it in our box. yeah. Because I'm thinking of the age where I stopped controlling so much my kids' nutritional choices. Yes. And they started making their own choices on how much sugar they were gonna have and when they were going to consume that sugar. And, um, I remembering when our oldest moved away for school and then she came back and all the kids that were still at home were looking at me like. Oh, well, does that mean we can wear that shirt and we can watch that movie and we can drink that soda? Yeah. And I'm like, no, that's not what that means. Because for so long they had seen her as a equal in the home and now she's an adult. And so yeah, giving up that responsibility is training us just as much as it's training them.

Cheryl 14:47

Oh, that's really good. And you mentioned the big devices. Mm-hmm. Which is a huge part of this. It is. definitely part of parenting culture now, right? I mean, I didn't have to make many of those decisions until later in my parenting and I didn't know, and it wasn't what it is now, but it's such a huge part of the culture. Mm-hmm. I really see birthday boxes as a great gift. to Parents, right. But they can have intentionality and start drawing thought out lines of. What you get, when you get it, how much you can use it, how much freedom you have, all of the different birthday boxes. And they go, no, you know the plan. What we're going to do, so we don't need to keep talking about it until 12. Right. Wherever they're gonna draw their lines of whatever it is and Right. And now at 17. You know, they may say your phone is yours to use. Mm-hmm. And you can make your decisions about how you're using it. We'll still have our family culture. We don't have phones at dinners. Mm-hmm. At at certain family times we could have family culture rules, but in general you could decide. You know, next year you'll be 18 and so at 17 you have this much freedom with your phone. Right. I see the application particularly to devices as really meshing well with using birthday boxes. Mm-hmm.

Christie 16:09

Yeah. I really see how it could help a parent pace themselves. Yes. Because if you're putting, and we will do another talk on devices someday, but if you're putting a date that we're not even going to talk about getting a phone until this age. Yeah. And say you have, you know. Four to six birthdays or everyone's gonna be different, but you have this many birthdays after that, I can see where it would be helpful to pace the social media question. Yes, the time limit question. All of those things could be anchored to some. Birthday points or milestones that, um, would just help you have a leg to stand on in the conversation when you're coming to your kids saying, this is my decision and needing to stand firm on it.

Cheryl 16:55

And they have something firm to look towards right. You mentioned pace and so someone might say, well, why should we pace it? Mm-hmm. Because. Of the actual heavy responsibility a phone, right. And the internet and social media, all of that. I love the incremental pacing of it. Mm-hmm. Because I would not recommend anybody wait till they're 18 and go, oh, by the way, let me show you. Here's how you turn a phone on. Right. And then say, and now you're an adult! Go and be happy. Yeah. That we want to pace it incrementally. Mm-hmm. To walk with them, you know, and slowly that releasing process about everything. But I think devices, it just works really, really well. Right. Because it's always easier to release more than to back up like you had to do with

Christie 17:42

some of your kids. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And you know, I think if we think of digital spaces as we would, physical spaces Yeah. The environments that you would allow your child to walk into if you look around, quote unquote, in a digital space and see what they're going to be consuming. Yeah. You're gonna make different decisions if you think of it as a, as a as though they were in a physical space. And, but then the flip side is true. Like you're saying, you're not going to wait until they're 18 to expose them to anything where they can't navigate it at all until they're away from you and you have no way to help them.

Cheryl 18:19

And that's why I like this birthday box structure. That at any point a family could introduce this and it just becomes an intentional thing. Mm-hmm. And like you said earlier, it doesn't have to be a physical box, we're just talking about the incremental idea of releasing and privilege and responsibility. Mm-hmm. And that sometimes it's a responsibility they don't want. Right. You know, at 10 you're going to. Begin mowing the yard, or you're now responsible for cleaning this area of the house. Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. Right. And or at this age now that you need to have a part-time job. Mm-hmm. And we require this balance of work and school for you.

Christie 19:01

Right.

Cheryl 19:02

One of the particulars, where I was in disagreement with Dr. Kelly. If Kelly, you're listening. Sorry. Uh, but it was like he said, at 16 you get your car keys mm-hmm. And your driver's license. And of course it's been decades for me, but, because of the gravity of driving a car we felt was a little more related to maturity and character than just age.

19:24

Mm. Mm-hmm. And so

Cheryl 19:25

the state of Oklahoma has a hard and fast age to it. Mm-hmm. But we felt we wanted, uh, more input to help make that decision related to their maturity and their character. Sure. Um, certainly the use of the car. Related to that, right. Rather than say, hi, here's your very expensive, nice car you've gotta drive. Right? and so we had responsibility very much woven into that we talked about working. Mm-hmm. well, I didn't have the ability to buy them a car. Mm-hmm. So they had to provide their car work towards it. And then even if they were driving our family car, they had to pay for their insurance and mm-hmm. An investment like that'cause. Marrying the privilege with responsibility. but there's nothing hard and fast about this, right? This is just a tool for the family to use some families say, no, we believe everybody at 15 and a half, they should get their permit. Mm-hmm. drive at 16. That's great. Use it

Christie 20:21

however it works for your family. Right. Well, and, and along with that. Some of these things might be different child to child in your family. Yeah. So it, it's good to go into it. Individualized and making sure your kids hear that from you. That, hey, we're assessing a lot of factors when we decide what's in your birthday box. It's not that everyone in our house at 13 is going to get handed a cell phone.

Cheryl 20:48

Yeah.

Christie 20:48

we have to see certain qualities in you and that's a whole nother gift for kids to know that, you know, there are credentials that you have to carry to Yes. Receive some freedoms.

Cheryl 21:00

that's really good So Christie, we need to wrap this up, but I hope the way we've presented it is another tool mm-hmm. For families to use for intentionally how to walk with their children and. a projection their family culture mm-hmm. To think through what do we value? This is a reflection of our values. part of our values is we are calling you up to more as you age, and we want to honor you in that, but we are looking towards releasing you because, you know, it is daunting to think, wow, my child's gonna have. The internet in their hands. Right. Or whatever it is. Or a car to deliver them anywhere

Christie 21:44

that I don't know about their safety or Exactly.

Cheryl 21:46

Yeah. Um, and just giving them more, not just more responsibility, but these privileges and that this is just an opportunity if you're married, that the two of you are talking about it. And then as a family, we're talking about what we do and living out Intentionality. We just keep coming back to that. I love the idea of bringing this in so that we're not just letting it happen. Mm-hmm. That we're making our decisions with thought-out reason and for the benefit of our family.

Christie 22:19

Right. I agree. It's a great tool and, I'm all for anything that helps bring support and encouragement to parents. I think this really could do that.

Cheryl 22:29

That was exactly why that that's why we're here. so parents. Remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. So what could your child's next birthday box hold? I hope today's conversation got you thinking about it. Maybe it's not wrapped in paper, but it's wrapped in purpose, that small freedom, a new responsibility, or maybe just a quiet conversation that says, we trust you and we see you growing. And for you as a parent, this is just your reminder. You don't have to wing it. You can lead with intention. You can pace with purpose and you can release your child in a way that feels steady, thoughtful, and good in a way that reflects your values. I'd really love to hear how this idea lands with you, how you view something like this, or what it might look like in your family. You can reach me through our website, social media, or by emailing contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I'm glad you joined us. Looking forward to next time.