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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
The Follow-Up: Family Life in the Age of Devices | Ep. 167
We’ve heard the warnings about screens and devices —but what does real change look like in everyday family life in this digital culture? In this follow-up conversation, Cheryl and Christie unpack what’s still echoing in their minds, and what small steps are actually working for families.
Resources Mentioned:
– The Tech-Wise Family and The Life We're Looking For by Andy Crouch
– The Screen Time Solution by Emily Cherkin
– The Anxious Generation by Dr. Jonathan Haidt
– How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
If you heard our recent episodes with Crystal on Tech-Wise Parenting, you know, they were full of hard truths and powerful encouragement. And if you're like us, you've probably been thinking about them ever since. Today on the Parenting podcast, Christie and I are slowing down to process what we heard, what stood out, and what we're still wrestling with as parents, as mentors, and as people navigating this digital culture too. I'm Cheryl Lange and I'm so glad you're with us for this one. Christie, I always enjoy getting together. So we can talk here in the recording room Yes. And anywhere else. Right. Okay. But in particular, I've been waiting since Crystal was in here. Mm-hmm. Talking about parenting in the digital age. Right. And listening to her. And she had. So much depth of what to share. That was great. So knowledgeable. Mm-hmm. And then I've been saying I can hardly wait till we can get together and now let's process it. Yeah. Talk about it as parents. What would we really do with all that information she gave us?
Christie:Right. Yeah. I know, like, like Crystal had mentioned, you know, we had older daughters at the same time. Yeah. And just having to, um. Tiptoe into these waters. Mm-hmm. Without any kind of research or, um, experiences to glean from, you know, every area of parenting is challenging. Yes. But when you don't have any kind of guidebook, no, no older parents that have walked the road before you with their kids. And so I'm just so grateful for the information that's out there, that people writing these books, doing the research, watching. The behaviors of our children and how we're affected and, and the parents, us included. Um, and, and then moms like Crystal who are on the front lines and just helping encourage their peers.
Cheryl:Absolutely. And we said it when we had Crystal in this is probably the most asked for mm-hmm. Subject mm-hmm. That we could talk on. And then I will say I've had more feedback on the episodes we've already posted. Probably than anything else. Yeah. And parents saying, thank you, thank you. We need this. Now how do we actually do it? Right. You know, because the questions everybody asks, it's always the how. Mm-hmm. You know, so how do I do this? How many minutes do I give them a phone, do I not? And. There's no lack of stats. We've all heard the stats. Yeah. Over and over and over. You know, the big scary internet, mm-hmm. All of it. And I just love the way Crystal presented the information and so then, okay. If we're convinced, so then what do we do with this? Right.
Christie:Right. When the rubber meets the road in my own home on a Tuesday afternoon, what does this look like? Mm-hmm. For our family? Yes.
Cheryl:Personally for us. Mm-hmm. And then if this is an area where we can choose to parent differently.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl:You know, it's a new world. Parenting isn't what it was when mine were little, in this area. Right. This has actually changed parenting from now on. And like you said, this information wasn't out there and then a lot of the scary stats came up.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Now. Let's walk through some of the things like how she presented some of the issues and the struggles. Like what's something that stood out to you?
Christie:Well, I think the thing that, um, really struck me was how wide spread the issue of digital media is. and, That this is a, a decision that every family will have to make. Yeah. Every family, even if they're just taking the default choice of going with the flow and not making a decision, yeah, that's still a choice. Um, but intentionality is the only way. Through this successfully.
Cheryl:Yes. And one of the things again that struck me is you talk about intentionality. Digital companies, Intentional design.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Because I don't know if Apple and everybody else, and when they started apps, I know there were some design ideas, but that it's now billion dollar business. Right. maybe trillion dollar wrapped up in this. Right. And that the goal is to capture and keep you on the screen. Right. That that is what the design is now, has nothing to do with the product Yeah. That you're using. In fact, we are the product Yes. They're designing it. Intentionally Exactly. For whose ever eyes are on it. Mm-hmm. And that whole concept, you know, she talked about like in politics or spirituality, wherever your bent is, then it's intentional design and personally, specifically curate exactly. For you to bring you in with whatever it is you like or you care about. So you just wanna read one more scroll one more even if it's, you enjoy gardening. Mm-hmm. It's just. One more little video about this flower, or one cute reel about that, kind of tomato, or, and they're intentionally designing and curating second by second, and we have to begin to grasp that idea that AI isn't just something that you use on chat, GPT mm-hmm. That this AI design is curated. At a billion bites a second. Right, exactly. For my children's eyes or my grandchildren's eyes, or mine. Mm-hmm. To keep me just one more, little bit more, yeah. One little bit more. And to pull me in because Christie, like we talked about, the fear back in the day was the concern for inappropriate websites or pornography or things, that are openly wrong. Mm-hmm. But with this Intentional design. It could be absolute innocent, right? Let's say gardening, Right? It's about vegetables, but their goal is just to keep pulling you on. Mm-hmm. Keeping you on just a little bit more. Yeah. And there's also sinister stuff, right? That's out there.
Christie:Yeah. I think that's the thing, is that. You can, you can feel like you're handling it well. Yeah. Because you've got all the filters and you're watching your kids even, you know, watching alongside of your kids. I remember when it was just TV when my kids were young, you know, it was just, yeah, letting'em watch an hour or two of TV a day. There wasn't the intentionality of the networks. You know, PBS kids wasn't. Uh, learning anything about my children, yeah, they didn't have the feedback directly to your children's brain. Yes. And so it could be easy as a parent to feel like it's the same thing as when we were kids just watching you know, consuming another screen. Um, but yes, the intentionality of the companies to come after us. We've gotta be equally intentional on our end,
Cheryl:you know, To realize it. that's pretty motivational Yeah. And again, that it doesn't have to be something sinister. Mm-hmm. But we like, uh, crystal was talking about apps are untrustworthy. Mm-hmm. And that you have to realize a lot of them are gateways into things that are very damaging to our children. Right. But even just the most innocent things, the serious concern is the developing mind. Yeah. And when we say developing mind, we're not just talking about six month old to three, you know,, we've talked previously about the prefrontal cortex in the front of our brains. It's the judge. it's the thing that makes decisions. Mm-hmm. It's the control that regulate. Mm-hmm. It's executive function, which functioning well practically. in life is executive function And when the executive function is being damaged, they can't process, well, I have to do these four steps mm-hmm. In order to get my homework finished so I can go right. uh, the prefrontal cortex in girls. If it's gonna develop, it's not finished to 23. And guys, it's 25. Mm-hmm. Because of devices, they're saying that's delayed. Yeah. But let's just say it's 23, 25 along in there. That's two decades of a developing mind. Right? So what does that mean? It isn't just the distraction that they're doing something. Uh, neutral.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:this is Really concerning Christie because it's actually harming their brains. Mm-hmm. I mean, we're way past 25. Right. Okay. But I know that because of instant screens, I have to work a little harder to do more intellectual work than I used to. Yes. Like someone sent me a really great article. It was so good. And I had to work to finish it'cause it was long, it was well written, it was great information that I wanted to understand. Mm-hmm. And I wanted to think through this particular issue. But I remember I had to make myself not skim. Yeah. To go, okay, so what's the bottom line? Just go that last paragraph. What's the application? Mm-hmm. get the quick answer! And, so that's what it's doing to our formed brains. Right. But it actually like messes with the amount of white matter our children have. Mm. Language development. So many things, of course, distractibility,
Christie:yeah. Yeah. And it's interesting, I'm thinking when you're talking about this, you know, i've been substitute teaching from time to time, Uhhuh, and I was in a classroom not too long ago, a second grade classroom. And if, you know, I, I don't often get to engage with the teacher of the classroom'cause she's absent for the day. But she had an incentive chart and a time on the schedule that the kids were to read on their own. Mm-hmm. The, the title of that timeframe was called Stamina, but all it was, was the children were reading. On their own, at their desks, and I asked some of the kids trying to figure out why she called it stamina and, the students told me that they had been working on increasing the time amount that they could sit and read.. And so I thought kudos to this teacher for making an effort to stretch these kids' attention span. But at second grade already, she's seeing a need. I'm making assumptions, but she's seeing a need to challenge these kids to have. Stamina to make it through a short reading session. And, I was just, celebrating, you know, that she was making this effort. Yes. But also at the same time, saddened that by seven years old, they're struggling to endure a time of reading on their own already. Well, I identify
Cheryl:with it, you know? Yeah. How impatient we are when it takes two seconds. Right. For something to come up on a screen, Right. Or you're in a store and they're trying to pull something up to do it and they go, oh, I'm so sorry. The computer's slow. Or at the library. Oh, I'm sorry. The computer's slow. We're all, used to that instantaneous mm-hmm. Response. Mm-hmm. Waiting. We just don't wait well anymore. Right. It was interesting'cause a mom had been having some of these conversations with their kids, and they were in a situation. Okay. It was the line of cars of parents picking up their children from an elementary school. Oh, right. Uhhuh. And the kids noticed and they said, mom. Every single car as they're waiting. There wasn't one single parent and there were probably 20 or more cars in the line. Mm-hmm. Every one of'em was on their phone. Of course. Yeah. You know, that's what I'd be
Christie:doing. See,
Cheryl:and, and the problem is, um, it could be really good stuff. Mm-hmm. But the problem is our brains are developed. Yeah. And it's that short attention span. It's like not being able to hold your breath and trying to swim the length of the pool. You just can't do it. Right. Um, so I find Crystal's insight personally extremely motivating. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah. I heard similar commentary. Somebody was talking about that we do the same thing waiting in line at a grocery store. Absolutely. What did you used to do? Well, you may have turned around and visited with the person behind you and had a little conversation and so on top of our children's brain development and our own. Brain health. It's affecting our relationships and our social interactions.
Cheryl:Absolutely. To be able to have conversations. I love. Crystal's example which we just keep referring, but I love that she's bringing the children into the conversations about it. Mm-hmm. Again, I've talked with several moms that contacted me and one of'em said she's already beginning to have these conversations with her children instead of just saying, no, no more screen time today. Mm-hmm. Right. She's beginning to educate her children on the kinds of things we're talking about. I think she had read Emily Chilken's screen Time Solutions. And so she's gone. Wow. Look at this information. So instead of just saying, no, you've already been on. This long. Right. Explaining why. Mm-hmm. And explaining what it does and what we're kind of talking about here. She's beginning to inform her children and talk to her children about it because I mean, if we are a digital culture now, imagine what it's gonna be. Right. Young children are in their twenties and thirties and forties.
Christie:Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's really true and I'd love that articulating for your kids., I think it helps. To get them bought in on the vision. Yeah. I think a little bit of, um, comparing it to nutrition. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. You don't just say no. You explain to them, okay, this is why you need enough protein in your diet. This is why we don't just eat sugar for breakfast. And you're educating them so that they can take ownership of their own physical health. It's very similar in the way that we. Mentor our kids in taking care of themselves, their mental health Yes. And their, um, decisions that support
Cheryl:that e every area of life. So if you're mentoring your children, you're having the conversations mm-hmm. Because we all know they grow up, they have their choices of what are they're going to do.
Mm-hmm. So
Cheryl:I can't control their future choices Right. But I do have that opportunity to speak into it now. mm-hmm. And you mentioned Nutrition is very important to me. So my children spent their whole childhoods hearing about why we choose this food over that food, or why we prepare it this way this is why it's healthy for you All the different reasons, processing with them, Because I care about it. They were very well educated on nutrition. as adults. They can make their own decision. Right? And it's the same thing. You know,, i process my spirituality with my children. They're ultimately responsible for what they're gonna do, and they can make their choices. Mm-hmm. But. I feel I have a responsibility to share that information, walk alongside and mentor them in it. So then they can make their informed choices as adults. Right. Or increasingly as we're releasing them.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Yeah. but And. 10 years ago We just didn't know. Mm-hmm., we Could tell there are enough stories and info that came out. Our family, very early on, we put covenant eyes and protection on, the computer in our house and had the computer in a central area. I mean, it was, a completely different situation, but, it was all fear-based and, uh, I love what crystal's talking about, the difference to choose between what is scary and what's dangerous. Yeah. That was really good. Mm-hmm. Because. It's just so convincing. Mm-hmm. Like this one mom that I was talking with, and she said that really struck her because she think she now would say she just does a lot of fear-based parenting.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Yeah. It, it's a good thing to make cautious choices, Right, right. But there's so much fear, motivation. Mm-hmm. And fear sells. And, uh, I loved what she's talking about, evaluate whether it's potentially scary. Mm-hmm. Versus dangerous. And I just think that is an excellent divide in parenting and I'd love to come back to this. I'd love for you and me to process that Mm-hmm. Mm. But in this area, a case is made. There is so much danger of ignorant, screen usage. to prevent the possibility of something scary
Mm-hmm.
Christie:Right. Yeah. Yeah. We miss the things that are actually more likely to happen right in our lives. Dangerous, that are dangerous for being weighed down and distracted. And so, um, concerned with things that are overwhelmingly scary, but probably not a real threat.
Cheryl:Well, that's really good. Let's come back and talk about that sometime. But I thought that particularly. Appropriate to this discussion. Mm-hmm. And I love like what that young mom was doing, talking to her children to say, let me explain the difference and why this is dangerous versus this. Mm-hmm. Uh, in fact, I like having the conversation to bring your kids into it, and then positively, these are the things that we got out of it or that are concerning we're out of time. What about if we come back and then I'd like to talk about the solutions.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl:And, what Crystal said people are doing, she's done, and then families are asking so how do we actually do this? Mm-hmm. You've gotten our attention. What do we do? That's great.
Christie:Yeah, I think that's the thing to talk about is how
Cheryl:Yeah. You want to, yeah. Okay. So parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. For me, the takeaway today is this. We don't need to parent from fear. We can parent with hope and clarity, even when it feels like we're swimming upstream. Every small step counts. It's not about having it all figured out. It's about choosing to stay present, to reflect, and to keep learning as we go. If today's episode gave you something to think about, or even if it just made you feel seen, we'd love to hear from you. Drop us a message at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us on social media. We really do love walking this journey alongside you. You and next time we're leaning more into those real life conversations that help us not just think differently, but live differently. Until then, take care of your heart. Keep the bigger picture in view, and know that you are not walking this alone.
