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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Screens, Culture, and the Quiet Revolution at Home | Ep. 168
We’re not just talking about kids and screens—we’re talking about us. In this final episode on parenting in the digital age, Cheryl and Christie reflect on what stuck, what’s still hard, and where real change begins. If you’ve ever wondered how to lead your family differently in a tech-driven world, this conversation is for you
Resources Mentioned:
– The Tech-Wise Family and The Life We're Looking For by Andy Crouch
– The Screen Time Solution by Emily Cherkin
– The Anxious Generation by Dr. Jonathan Haidt
– How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
If you've been sitting with the conversations we've had with Crystal coon you are not alone. We have too, there's something about hearing truth spoken plainly that just stays with you today on the Parenting podcast. Christie and I are back behind the mic, not just to revisit what stood out to us, but to ask now what. How do we carry this into our everyday choices, our family rhythms, and even our own screen habits? I'm Cheryl Lang, and I'm glad you're here as we keep this conversation going, not from a place of pressure, but from a place of possibility. So, Christie, we're back in here again talking about. Parenting in the digital age, and we're just reflecting on what Crystal shared mm-hmm. Over a couple of episodes and we just couldn't cram our thoughts into, one recording. Right. So let's jump back in it today and then I'm excited.'cause I, I want to talk about the how, right? So if we're convinced we want to do something different Parenting in the digital age, then how would we actually do it? Right. Something we talk about. That Crystal helped reinforce is the subtlety of what's really going on in the design process of those who are giving us information that are controlling what we see right, on our phones, and I mentioned, oh, someone shared a really great article with me that I had to make myself read through. Mm-hmm. Because I'm dumber.'cause I look at screens all the time and I had to work to read it. But it was really good reminder to me. right. There's a reason how they design our phones mm-hmm. Intentionally to keep us on them. And like this article, I go, I hadn't thought about that because the purpose of human relationships is actually, Relationship, right. which involves reconciliation resolution. When there are issues, it's just not a one and done. We're trying to keep a relationship with one another. Mm-hmm. Okay. But you wouldn't stay on your phone. You wouldn't keep looking at Insta or TikTok or all of them if the goal was resolution and reconciliation. Mm-hmm. Because then it'd solve everything. Right. You know what they wanna do is if you're heavily left wing, they want to keep feeding into that. Mm-hmm. So you stay riled up. Right. So you keep watching and listening and seeing what they're saying. Mm-hmm. Or. Whatever it is, whatever field or whichever side of the fence, they've figured out your own. They don't want to help you figure it out with reason and relationship. They want to keep it unreconciled and divisive. And I, I just hadn't thought about that again, how all of us are being so influenced. Right. Because we're getting one side of the story that fits a narrative and social media just constantly reinforces that. And it's the same in our parenting. Whatever area or direction you do your parenting, social media is going to curate what you see. Mm-hmm. To reinforce that rather than being, um, more open to conversation and learning from others. And a mindset That says, oh, I hear what you're saying. Well, what about this, that we have a relationship right. That we're trying to reconcile and build and grow together, that these phones, I keep touching my phone, right? These phones are separating us from one another.'cause they don't want reconciliation. Right? Because fear or separation keeps us coming back to their trough to drink more. Yeah.
Christie:Yeah. I mean, we are. Truly addicted to being influenced. Yeah. Because I mean, think about the actual career of being an influencer. Mm-hmm. That was not a career. That's true. 10 years ago or you know, my math is bad on what year that's really came to be, but. They don't even try to hide it anymore. Influencers are meant to influence you. Yes, and we love it. We, we just not balancers, they're not called balance.
Cheryl:Let's look at the pros and cons of this
Christie:uhhuh and come to our own decision. And so we get to choose from this buffet of influencers, how we wanna be influenced, and then we just swim in the waters along with. The influences and it's, it's not even that we can say, we didn't know what we're getting into. We're just choosing. Uh,
Cheryl:to not resist it. Well, I think it's the old, keep a frog in the water and just start raising the temperature. Yeah. We don't realize what's really happening until our eyes are open and we choose to say, I don't want this anymore. Right. I wanna change. Right. We is where we are today. Yes. Let's talk about some of the how. Mm-hmm. That. Parents could ask Okay. What are we going to do? Right. Just where would we start? What would you think for you in your own private life mm-hmm. And then also as a parent?
Christie:Well, first off, I just, I love that Crystal took us there and said, yeah, yeah. You know, I really thought I was on top of things until I looked in the mirror and then realized, oh, I might be the source of some of the problems in our digital life. And so looking in our own mirror and assessing our own usage currently is where we'd start. I think that.
Cheryl:If someone only did that. Mm-hmm. And began to watch, particularly a parent. Mm-hmm. And the parents that listen to us care Sure. About their children. And they care about their influence. And the truth is how much children see the back of your phone. Yeah. Or looking at parents reading their wrist all the time. Mm-hmm. And that one. Suggestion to start narrating our phone usage Yeah. if we're in a conversation with someone, Oh for example, I was having my hair done I'm very good friends with my hairdresser. We've known each other for 25 years. And so, we were talking and then her phone rang. And so she has it set so it only rings when certain people call Uhhuh. And she said, oh, Cheryl, do you mind this is my son and if he calls me, I need to pick it up. Is that okay? And I thought, that's exactly what we're talking about here, right? That we begin to do. And she's, oh, thank you so much. That was a really valuable conversation. And her son's grown. Mm-hmm. But he wanted to process and ask her opinion about,
Christie:yeah.
Cheryl:A real time issue he was having.
Christie:Right. And
Cheryl:I love that a mom who listened to some of these episodes, said, oh Everybody but old people have their phones set on silent all the time, Uhhuh. And she was waiting for a very important callback from an accountant or a lawyer or something. And she said she had turned her phone on and then realized, oh. I am looking at my phone all the time because you know, of fomo, what am I missing out? Right. Someone may have texted me and she realized, actually I need to have my phone on, but have it limited to certain things. Right. So that, that's good. So that certain calls can come through. You know, on iPhones, there's a setting, if it's an unknown call, it goes straight to voicemail. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So that certain ones can come in. And then she started putting her close friends or family with different ring tones Yeah, just like. My hairdresser knew that was her son calling. Right. Without even looking. Without even looking. And then she looked, she goes, it is, can I take it? Mm-hmm. And I thought what a great thing to actually take your phone off silent! that's, yeah. So you're not going, oh, I need to look. Did I get something? Did I miss something? Did I miss something? You can have the important things come through and then you can choose to look at it or not.
Christie:Right? Yeah. The narrating and the limitations on yourself I think are a really wise place to start because you, you can't preach to your kids something that you're not practicing yourself.
Cheryl:Oh, that's the definition of hypocrisy. Yeah. What you just described is hypocritical parenting. When we are telling them, oh, don't you do that. Right. But I do it
Christie:and we lose all validity. We might get away with it when they're young. But in time, the proof is in the pudding and they're gonna realize it.
Cheryl:Well, but as an adult, I can make choices. Okay. I can choose this, sure. Sure. So we're not talking about that we're peers with our children. Right. Of course. We're talking about genuine transparency as a person. Mm-hmm.
Christie:It's, it's more about character development. It's that we're asking them hundred percent to, or that we're needing to call ourselves accountable to the things that are affecting our own character and, and look
Cheryl:what it says. Most parents. Try to work at teaching your children, you can't interrupt.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And here, here's our procedure, whether it's hand on the arm or whatever it is, waiting quietly and then asking, you know, may I say this? We try to teach that. And that if we're saying It shows a lack of value to me that if Christie and I are talking, when you walk up and just interrupt us, And yet these phones are the most intrusive interrupting thing that there is, Right. Right. and then just the every time, Christy, excuse me, or to your children. What a courteous thing. Excuse me. I'm waiting for. My doctor to call back on this or this is grandma. Just begin to narrate that. Like Crystal said, I can see it would bring so much awareness of how much I'm looking at my phone. and then I love that realizing, oh, I need to actually have my phone on. Mm-hmm. So I know when I need to pay attention. I thought that was really good. Yeah. And then just showing respect. And then our children you know, not just our four year olds, but our 14 year olds, whatever age our children are, our children are grown.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:I'm going to try to start practicing that, right. For our own development A lot of times we. Do that with adults mm-hmm. We'll say, excuse me, I need to take this, but what if we did it as a family that that's our culture that we always narrate and say, I'm gonna take this. This is all right. May I take this now? Right. Because
Christie:we do that with other adults that we want to be polite to. Oh, that's great. But I don't know about your household, but in ours it's very possible for someone to just zone out on their phone and you don't even, you know, like you said, I have adult children, so it, happens all the time where we don't show each other that respect. And so I almost am learning. More having adult kids because I don't have little ones to hold me accountable. I don't, I don't feel the weight anymore of having to model and, and, um, offer an example to my little children. But how much more, I mean. It's equally important for me to set this tone in my home, even as having adult children.
Cheryl:Yes. Because you want to keep our influence. Yeah. You wanna stay in a relationship.
Christie:Right,
Cheryl:And we're still
Christie:acting as mentors to our, yes. To our kids.
Cheryl:Well, we want to, if we're mentoring as parents, Mm-hmm. Then we need to be a genuine person. And that realizing, wow, this shows you value. Plus I'm doing what I want you to do back to me! Whatever the area is. Mm-hmm. Trying to live out Out, what I said my values were. Wow. And again, it's not perfection. Mm-hmm. But it's a pattern. Yeah.. Am I trying to be genuine? I trying to not be a hypocrite. And then, you know, when I'm called out on it to own up to it and go, you're right. There's a gap between what I say and what I'm doing
Christie:Right. I love the humility With that
Cheryl:And now we Bring our devices into it.
Christie:Yeah. I don't want us to run out of time before we talk about what Crystal did with her daughter's peer group ab. Absolutely. Because I think that was gold.
Cheryl:Absolutely. So go ahead, summarize a little bit. to remember.
Christie:Well, she gathered the parents of her daughters. Peers in their school, and they had dinner together one evening? Mm-hmm. And talked about the principles from some of these books she was learning, and they all came to an agreement of what common ground they could have in how they handle screens, in their homes, so that everyone was on the same, playing on the same page with, um, screen usage with their kids.
Cheryl:And what I love is. The grace base of this. Mm-hmm. Okay. Because not everybody has a curated group like they already had. Right. But even, in that group, they made different decisions. Yeah. But what they said is, when our families are together, this will be the standard of what we will do. Mm-hmm. Back in the day when I still had children. Screens just weren't what they are now. But even video games, Mm-hmm. I kind of tried that and we had certain friends and we, uh, all agreed what we were gonna do about computers.'cause back then phones weren't the issue. Right. But there were computers. Mm-hmm. And everybody had, like mentioned, covenant eyes so we even did a little bit of this group consensus. but I had again, another mom recently who just said, I don't. Go to a small private school where everybody's on the same page. Mm-hmm. You know, I don't know if my friends will do this. I said, well, you can try it and you can get together and maybe even say, would you listen to the podcast?
Mm-hmm. And
Cheryl:let's just gather and talk about it. Yeah. Since our children are in a relationship. Since we're in a relationship. Right. And let's just see, and yeah, you know, we don't have to swing for the fence. Mm-hmm. But let's start the conversation. And then I like the way Crystal handled it is when they have a new friend, she very intentionally brings the subject up,
Christie:right? Just starting that conversation from the beginning of the friendship
Cheryl:and in such a grace based way of saying, oh, by the way, you know, I just wanted you to know in our home we have these protections, is there anything else you would like to add to that? Right. So she's already opening that up it just, again, it's the conversations and the relationship mm-hmm. And who knows how quickly and how well that will grow.
Christie:Right. And like you said, you may not be able to meet with every parent in their grade level. Right. Or the whole sports team, but if you can find just a handful of your children's closer friends that they're doing life with on a regular basis, because it's a lot to ask of our kids to swim upstream and resist all the. The peer pressure and all the FOMO that's out there. And, and then there's practical things of, you know, we talked before about the communication of Yeah. Sports teams and Yeah. And, um, study groups and things that happen, you know, on phones. And so if you can get Just their closer friends, even on board. They aren't having to go it alone.
Cheryl:Well, and then like Crystal said, and the people who live in this world, who are helping educate us in this area, they say the tide is turning.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Because it didn't stay what it was 15 years ago. Right. 10 years ago. The tide is turning because parents and people are getting active. Mm-hmm. And they're writing these great books and they're coming on TED Talks and the communication is out there. And it's more than just scary statistics. Yeah. It's, this is a lifestyle, what can we do about it? And uh, crystal alluded to it, and then it actually did pass here in the state of Oklahoma. The governor just signed the law. Of bell to bell that starting in August, there are to be no devices, children cannot bring their personal devices to school or use them bell to bell. Mm-hmm. So it won't be in their school day. Right. Except how they use it academically. Yeah. That's fantastic. And that didn't happen because the governor and a few legislators cared about it. It happened because grassroots parents mm-hmm. Went to their legislators, they went to them, they educated them, they kept up the pressure. Right. And it passed.
Christie:Right. And possibly teachers too. You and I have friends who are teachers that are probably celebrating this for sure. Of the distraction that these kids, and not just that they can't have it in the classroom, but also, there's that large chunk of the day Yes. That they are freed up to not think about what's happening on their phones. Yes. On social media,
Cheryl:I know two friends personally. Who were teachers long-term, many decades. And this one issue, the phone issues, the reason they quit their career. Wow.'cause they just couldn't compete. They, what am I supposed to do? They're on their phones. Mm-hmm. And we can't even take that away from'em. Mm-hmm. So they're not only cheating, they're not learning. I am standing up there trying to open their minds and teach them The phones were just such an issue. Uh, another friend that's a long-term counselor and the big issue was phones of what it did, the bullying that's done through it, and that everybody had to stay on social media and connected, all day long, or you were missing out that very day, that hour. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So that's all the kids did all day long. There are now 11 states that have these kind of bills enacted. Wow. Yeah. To keep devices. Out of the school days of the kids, with the exception, the learning that's going on. Yeah.
Christie:Well, I've heard it said again and again, lots of people have talked about phones. being the, the tobacco of our day. What do you mean by that? Well, the, in the midst of, um, maybe parenting in the sixties, seventies,, nobody was thinking about the health concerns of tobacco usage. yeah, And I've seen the old ads of, um, certain brands being recommended by doctors. Oh, by doctors Uhhuh. Yes. And doctors actually smoking in patient rooms. Yes. And pregnant women. I remember when the signs were in the mall that they were gonna outlaw smoking in the mall. Wow. And that, you know, that would've probably been early nineties. And so education. And grassroots. Mm-hmm. Education Swung the tide. Right. With enough research and yeah. Now on the other side of having the knowledge of the damaging effects of tobacco, we look back and we think. Were they crazy? Mm-hmm. What were they thinking? And you know, lots of people are saying now that in five, 10 years, or even, you know, when our kids are having babies, they're gonna be looking at us thinking, were you crazy? Just handing me a fully. Functioning phone with apps stocked on it, or
Cheryl:the bouncy chairs that have a device holder so that your child who's not capable of sitting up can be entertained. Right. Or screened. Mm-hmm. I love the tide is turning. Yeah. And just think about it. Families started having not only narrating but began slowly, maybe okay, at meals together. Mm-hmm. We are all putting our devices up. So they actually start having conversation. Right. And they actually are interacting. And I'm so excited, Christie, this is a great wave to come across at this time. Mm-hmm. This is a crucial time. And it's happening.
Christie:Yes. I mean, I hope it continues. I hope things like what we're sharing here, what Crystal shared with us, these books that we've, um, given in the show notes, that I hope all of these things are just a small little speck of a spark that can keep things moving in the right direction
Cheryl:because it doesn't have to come in like. You know, you wanna wipe it out. Mm-hmm. Because it's here. Mm-hmm. We're in the digital age that's not going away, and it's not perfection, but we can be Wise. Wise. Mm-hmm. One conversation, one boundary, one. Added technique, one step at a time, we can reclaim the ground that we've lost, and seriously a radically different future for our children and for ourselves, for our families. Mm-hmm. Ultimately our culture.
Christie:Right. Yeah. And it, I think it, it's always hard to. Be the quote unquote bad guy in the picture, in, you know, our kids are gonna push back on our mm-hmm. Boundaries that we set for them., But it's just like with every other area, you're fighting the good fight for your kids. You're working to empower them and sometimes you just have to be the adult in the room and make the decision,, and go against the grain,
Cheryl:which is why this whole philosophy starts with us. Yeah. And not just kids, don't, but watch me and walk where I walk, right? Oh, I love this. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? It really is. Okay, so parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. This conversation reminded me. Change doesn't have to be dramatic to be meaningful. Sometimes it's just one shift, one boundary, one honest moment in front of your kids that reshapes everything. If you're ready to try something new or if something in today's episode stirred something in you, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out anytime at contact@theparentingpodcast.com on our socials or through the website. We're excited for what's ahead, more honest conversations that meet you where you are. And maybe offer just a little more clarity for the road. Until then, take what you need from today. Give yourself grace for what's still unfolding and know we're walking this with you.
