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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Epi 171 Training: The Overlooked Superpower of Parenting
Training your kids isn’t about control—it’s about building confidence. Whether they’re four or fourteen, this episode explores how to break down life skills in doable ways that strengthen your child’s character and your bond at the same time.
We talk a lot on this podcast about the big goals of parenting, raising, capable, compassionate, independent kids, but what does that actually look like on a Tuesday afternoon when you're tired and there's laundry everywhere? That's what we're digging into today on The Parenting Podcast. And I'm Cheryl Lang, your host. We're talking about how training our kids doesn't have to be rigid. Or overwhelming. It can be step by step relationship building and actually doable. So whether you're in the toddler trenches or navigating teenage years, let's walk through what it really means to equip our kids, not just expect from them.
Christie:well, Cheryl, I've been thinking over some of our past topics and just thinking Yeah. Of, you know, what our listeners might wanna talk about today. And when I think back at a lot of our recent episodes, thinking of birthday boxes, uhhuh, Um, like responsibilities and releasing our children uhhuh and keeping the bridge open. This is good stuff. It is good stuff. But I'm remembering as a young mom, when we were first becoming friends mm-hmm. And you would talk about lovely philosophical things, like good literature and maybe minimizing, you know, your screen usage in your kids' lives. And, and I'm like, okay. But on Monday morning. At 9:00 AM what do I do with these children? Tell me something practical. And I'm just wondering if maybe our listeners feel that way sometimes of, okay, what do I do on a Tuesday afternoon to get to the goals that you're casting vision for
Cheryl:for these kids? I see. Just like okay, I've got the life improvement book you want a lifestyle change. right? Okay, here are the big ideas yes. And you ask, so What do I do? Right. Or
Christie:like a physical trainer. Exactly. It's one thing to read about nutrition and fitness, but. What do I do at the gym? Step by step or at Aldi's? Yes. Okay.
Cheryl:Oh good. That's great. Christie. I like this because I'm a really practical person and I like to put feet to things. Mm-hmm. Maybe let's dig back more, let's say you do still have your four little ones at home. Yeah. And, uh, what if we kind of process whether it's through birthday boxes or just normal life, right? how to release them so that you can continue to help them be more responsible and take on the next step towards full releasing. Right. Okay, here you are with your four little ones at home, what I would say to you.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Okay. is Your friend in all of this is the word training.
Hmm.
Cheryl:Because you can't expect someone to take on a responsibility they're not trained for, Christie, like people take on a new professional job, a paid job. Right. And they understand, oh, I have four weeks of training before I can ever even begin to do my job. Yeah. Even though you might have a degree in that area and years of experience, when you move to a new company, they say, this is how we do things. training is the way to do it. It's unrealistic to think that our children are trained to do life when they come to you! you're not obsolete!, you are vital to what's going on here, That is so true. One of the biggest jobs we have is training. And training in parenting doesn't mean like being a, marine drill sergeant. Okay. We're not talking about that kind of training. We're talking about the coming alongside, and I'm transferring to you information you need so you can do this task. And then I'm gonna walk with you to help you conquer that task, and then we move on to the next one. Hmm. So the training builds on itself. But the problem is, mm-hmm. Maturity is slow developing. And just because they can do one job doesn't automatically mean they're gonna be able to do the next one. they Right. don't always transfer that knowledge from one thing to the next. Okay. We would like them to, but we have to help them think through it. to So training is our friend but we want to do it with the end in mind, with loving kindness instead of condescension. Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:So we're back to this, that it's our character that matters in the training process. Right. Okay. So I have to be in a place of patience and kindness. And follow through for my child's best.
Christie:Oh, that's hard to hear because I, I, this makes a lot of sense because I remember feeling really frustrated a lot of times with my kids when I would ask them. I think, okay, you're seven, you can put your clothes away, so here's your basket of laundry, your pile, and. Then it didn't happen the way I thought it should. Yeah. And so I would just get frustrated or even angry that, you know, thinking because my kids weren't articulating, um, excuse me, mother, I, I don't know that I'm properly trained in the methods of how to put my clothes away. Could you please instruct me? No, they were just tossing'em in the corner or shoving'em in the drawer. Exactly. And I was just left with frustration. So this is really helpful.
Cheryl:Right. Okay. And so that's what I wanna break down. We're just talking about Putting clothes away.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Okay. And we could back up and train them how to fold the clothes, but let's limit it to putting them away. Okay. Now we're just using An example of teaching a 4-year-old how to put their clothes away in their drawer and then you can expand or applly that to whatever age or circumstance because the principles are the same. Right. Okay. So one of the things we have to think about is how many steps in a process. And so you have to teach someone, the step one before the step two. And we understand that in a lot of things like mathematics, we. Understand, they have to know their numbers before they can begin to count. Mm-hmm. But in life, we kind of forget that sometimes! let's say mom Christie listened to a podcast and she realized, oh, I'm doing this for her instead of equipping her. Wow. Four years old. So you have a special birthday box., and one of your new gifts is A new responsibility. Mm-hmm. This basket. of Folded clothes Yay. And and mm-hmm. She feels excited and then. You say, go into your bedroom, and put your clothes away,
Christie:right?
Cheryl:Mm-hmm. Well, she may not understand what that means so first you check is the landing spot ready
Christie:What do you mean by landing spot?
Cheryl:I mean, Where do you want the clothes to go? Are the drawers organized? Are they ready? She has to take the basket, go to a room, open the drawer, and know tops in this drawer, bottoms in that one. If she doesn't know what those are. You have to show her. Mm-hmm. So first, organize the drawers, take out the toys, winter clothes, whatever, and then get the space ready so she can succeed. Then you go to the drawer and say, which drawer are we gonna put tops in, which is for bottoms, and do it with her. Talk about it. Have her explain back to you now what goes where. Because when something becomes second Nature for us, Christie, we forget all the steps in between. We do it without thinking, but they can't yet.
Christie:right?
Cheryl:So here's the principle of teaching. Take them from what they know to what they don't know. That's true. Whether you're teaching a 1-year-old or a Supreme Court justice, you have to find out what they don't know. Give them the vocabulary and practice it. And depending on the child, how concrete they are, it may help to have them verbalize, be a student of your children.
Christie:right?
Cheryl:Some kids grab on faster than others. Some are just more observant. Remember, the goal isn't efficiency, it's connection. It's not about getting the clothes put away, it's teaching with patience. And presence, so your child learns and you build relationship at the same time. Mm, that's good.
Christie:uh, yeah. So much time involved.
Cheryl:Yeah. And so that's one of the things is you have to. Realize that you're in a place to be able to do this, and I know you as a young mom with those four little ones, if you're a little overwhelmed with that. Then pick your battles, right? Lower your sights and choose to train in the basic area that somebody needs.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And then follow through. Follow through. So like if you were saying, what do I do? I have four girls. I go, well, you can't train everybody all in one day. Mm-hmm. But you can choose what you're going to do. Can you train? All four of them on the same thing, maybe. you're gonna spend all day long practicing this one thing Right. If you haven't done any training,
Christie:Well, I really like this, Cheryl, because. Like you're saying, we talk so much about mutual respect here with our kids, and when you're talking about this and, and warning us to not talk down to children in the process, it's just making me think of how empowering this can be for our kids. Yeah. If we're equipping them well and they're learning new skills even at four or five, six years old, and then You know, new skills build on top of those skills and they're just, um, better equipped, then that builds their confidence and it really helps them feel supported and prepared for different circumstances. I,
Cheryl:agree! I'm just a. Super fan of training mm-hmm. Where the,
Christie:the opposite of, you know, just throwing out these expectations Yeah. Can feel overwhelming and, um, maybe some shame that I can't do mm-hmm. What I've been asked to do. And kids can't always articulate what they're feeling about that.
Cheryl:That's exactly right. There's a cliche, you don't get what you expect, but what you inspect,. So one of your jobs, if you're the trainer, you have to go back and inspect it. And we think of that drill sergeant, everyone knows, you know, like in the movies where they come into that room where they all live and they check each man's bed and the white glove test kind of thing. The white glove, yes. Is your rifle completely clean, right? Your
Christie:hospital squares on your bed, all of that.
Cheryl:Okay. The reason they get that is'cause they inspect it. not harshness but follow through. if you're not willing to follow through and inspect. You're teaching your children, oh, by the way, when I'm training on something, it really doesn't matter if you follow through'cause I'm not gonna follow through.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Mm-hmm. So we have to lower our sights, follow through the process. and this, what's happening, Christie, is they're learning that crucial, Skill that they didn't have of how to break a job down.
Christie:Mm, mm-hmm. Well, and then the converse is true too in life where the areas that we don't equip our kids and train our kids and they go into life not knowing how to do these things is always going to be, a challenge for them and the people in their lives. Yeah.
Cheryl:I mean, it's just a really practical thing. And one of the jobs that children have to do all the time, their entire childhood is clean, their room.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Okay. And one of the things I just mentioned is saying, breaking a job down, that's really what children can't see. They look at that sea of. Trashed room. Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. And if you haven't taught them how to break it down, they have no idea where to begin.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:So. I will say parents really help them learn how to break down their room to clean or the toy room. Right. That's where
Christie:you're going in and saying, okay, let's pick up all the books first. Mm-hmm. And now let's get all the trash picked up and all the laundry
Cheryl:out.
Christie:Sometimes you just need a little support Yes.
Cheryl:And then come alongside. And then one of the reasons I have to be a student of my child,'cause I have to discern Are they being lazy? Or they're not equipped. Mm, that's good. Or you know, they're sneaking off and not doing it. Is that because they're sneaky? Mm-hmm. Or is it because they don't know what to do? Right. And they're just kind of escaping being overwhelmed? so that's where we have conversations and I need to be discerning of each child. And then they have the safety of saying, I just didn't know what to do. Yeah. And I couldn't do it, or it was
yeah, too
Cheryl:big a job.
Christie:It is helpful. I, um, wanna go back to when you were saying I'm talking about our expectations and I'm thinking of a quote I remember hearing when my kids were really young, um, about being over an overwhelmed mom and. The person said, you can have help or you can have control, but you can't have both. And she was talking about asking for help. That's a good from, you know, friends or family members or your spouse, but I think it's applicable here in the training process, your kids are not gonna be able to fold the laundry exactly the way you would. It's gonna be a little subpar in the beginning until they really master. The skill, and I just know that that was a temptation for me to just swoop in and do it anyway. Yep. Do it for my, do it myself because I knew it would be done well. Or ask an older child Yep. To do something when the younger child wasn't, you know, as good at it as I wanted it done. And I just think. It's worth the effort and the intentionality and the patience that it takes to cringe when you see those towels folded a little wonky and they don't really quite fit in the cabinet and praise the effort rather than the results in your kids.
Cheryl:so anytime we do swoop in or I don't have time to do this, yeah, I'm just gonna do it myself or the older kids do it, realize I'm just not training
Christie:right?
Cheryl:So I need to come back to this and, you know. I had friends that have told me as adults, they almost have a little anxiety now about laundry because they would work so hard and they get so condemned and then they would see their mom come back in Oh. And refold their towels. Oh, no. And so it was so self-defeating. Yes. And they felt like I worked really hard to fold those towels. Right. And their conclusion was, I'm just not good enough. Not good enough. Mm-hmm. So we need to be careful. It doesn't mean everything is sloppy.
Yeah. But.
Cheryl:Reasonable expectations and then train them to fold it a little better, right? And a little better. And, One of the principles, and I don't know, there's probably a really eloquent way of saying it, but this is what Cheryl has said to her children all their lives. We succeed small so we can succeed big.
Mm.
Cheryl:You know, oh, I guess like a journey of a thousand miles start to one step, something I, but that idea, so I would rather my 3-year-old really feel good about those washcloths.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:You know, and that they're feeling good about that. So someday maybe they'll be running their home or whatever they're going to do in life, that that bigger success builds off of it. And they have a track record, Christie, of saying, I stuck with it. I followed through. I moved up to the next thing. I didn't have to stay with the silverware. I actually got to move up to plates and glasses. Right. I mean, even though we kinda laugh at it as adults, but that's success. Yeah. And then they know how to do it. And then pretty soon you have 12 year olds who know how to sort do all the laundry, put it all away, clean the bathroom. Fix a meal and clean up after a meal. Mm-hmm. You have all of these skills you've taught them, but it's one step after another after another, and you can't, then, if you haven't trained your 12-year-old, you can't say, okay, now you're gonna start cleaning the kitchen every night. That's overwhelming. Right. They don't have any training, so. We're coming alongside of our children, we're mentoring them. Mm-hmm. And when you mentor someone, you start a little bit. You do a little bit more, do a little bit more. Whatever it is that they're learning, whether it's a career or a spiritual mentor or friendship, mentor, all of those, that's what we're doing with our kids. Right. And, look at the benefit. For your training. It pays off big time. Your investment, it's like weeding your garden. If you weed it when the weeds are little uhhuh, then you're gonna have this wonderful garden that doesn't have all the weeds, right? And so if you start this training like this, an investment like this with patience and kindness, then you do start having someone who can do all of these skills and has experienced success. yeah. And one of the other things I wanted to mention is be aware of different styles. Okay. The fast, quick worker versus the more, um, methodical one. Mm-hmm. Right. Be sure and give them the time, right. You know, it took that methodical one a long time to get there, Uhhuh, but look at the success. what an opportunity for affirmation.
Christie:Yes. Building that confidence. I just hear so many layers happening. In our children when we're empowering them in these ways and, yeah, just the success, the confidence, the contribution they're bringing to the family. Yes. I was just thinking about, you know, when my girls would help me grocery shop, we would all go together, Uhhuh and so that they could have that experience and because I needed the help to be honest. But, uh, one of my girls was. The owner of the Paper Grocery Bags. Oh. I mean that was her pride and joy was to make sure all of those grocery bags were folded after everything was done. And she just felt so much ownership over that, even at a young age. And you know, of course it wasn't a big deal, but to her it really felt like it was. And I think that really does something for our kids.
Cheryl:And we're out of time. But what I wanna say, we have to remember. This goes all the way up all the ages of childhood we can't, baby train our teens. Mm-hmm. But sometimes as someone physically, their body's getting bigger, we figure that they can figure everything else on their own. And I would just have a sensitivity that we don't say, okay, birthday box 13 or 15, whatever it is, and we're giving them responsibilities. That they don't know how to break down on their own. Mm. And that we are safe enough to walk alongside'em. And they feel like they can Yeah. Come back and ask questions.
Christie:Yeah. And, and not experience any kind of shame, because either you haven't taught them those things, or they haven't learned fully. Yeah.
Cheryl:Or it's just different. Mm-hmm. You know, or maybe they're starting a job. Yeah. And we want them to feel safe enough to come across the bridge and say, mom, can you help me figure out how can I do this at work? That's good. You know, I've got to do such and such, and I'm just not quite sure how to do it and I don't wanna look stupid.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And then you start equipping them you can equip, okay, how can you break the job down? What can you do? What are they expecting? And so you've got all this. Jargon that you've built into'em, right? All the processes, and then you're helping them walk through or it's something at school or they've been given something in a club and they have to get it done. and then you just walk along and help them transfer the knowledge from the silverware drawer and the washcloths. To whatever big thing they're
Christie:doing. That's so good.'cause that goes back to the relational bridge of you've created an environment in your relationship of you being approachable and them having the humility to say, I don't know how to do this, and you're a safe place, that I can come and say yes. Would you help me?
Cheryl:Yeah. And I'm telling you the benefits are fantastic'cause the truth is. Literally you pass off all those responsibilities, And so, they can do everything in the house. Mm-hmm. Plus you're preparing them for life. Right. Okay. Oh, okay. Did that help you with your four lot of ones?
Christie:I think this is good. I think this is a practical, explanation of how we actually make the big dreams
Cheryl:happen. Yes. And I love that. Okay. So parents remember hanging there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it. There will always be days when it's easier to just do it yourself, but when we pause the train with patience and presence, we're laying the groundwork for capable, confident kids. Who become capable, confident adults. So whether your child's folding towels or facing their first job, remember this, you're not just teaching a task, you're shaping a future. We'd love to hear what connected with you today. Reach out anytime at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or on social media. And be sure to join us next time as we keep navigating the everyday and the extraordinary work of parenting.
