Encore Episode: Parenting in Public School – Letting Go, Leaning In | Ep. 172

Letting go isn’t easy—but in public school parenting, it often starts early. In this encore episode, we explore how one mom navigated the balance of trust and involvement, connection and independence, while raising her kids through the public school system. Whether your child is just starting out or you're deep into school years, this conversation offers real-life encouragement for staying present, intentional, and anchored in love.

Transcript

Cheryl: 0:06

Hi friends, Cheryl Lang here and this is The Parenting Podcast. Before we jump in, I wanna let you know that today's episode originally aired last fall, but as the new school year kicks off, we are bringing it back because the encouragement and insight in this conversation are just as needed now. This episode is part of a special miniseries where we look at what it's really like to parent in the different school environments, public school, private school, and homeschooling. Not to compare or debate. But to support and learn from each other. So whether you're in the thick of back to school prep, or just trying to figure out what fits your family best, I hope this encore conversation meets you right where you are.

Christie: 1:06

Well, we are in the end of summer Oh, we are. Back to school season. Back to school. Which, this is funny, this is my first year to not be dictated by the school year. Oh, that's right. I'm officially on the other side of school year life. But I've been noticing how much the school year dictates everything. I mean, like, Yeah, it does. All the rhythms of life seem be dictated by the school year.

Cheryl: 1:34

That's true and back to school often stirs up memories and whether you're chasing down school supplies or not, it's a season of transition. And listeners, that's why we're excited to bring you this miniseries to mark the return of the school year, not to debate school types, but to explore what parenting looks like within each environment. Okay we have treat for you today we have our friend, Tammy Regier, in the studio today. Welcome, Tami. Oh, thank you.

Danae: 2:07

It's so good to be here and I feel honored that you would invite me in to have a conversation today

Cheryl: 2:12

with y'all. Absolutely. This episode shines a light on parenting inside the public school system, challenges, rhythms, and what intentional involvement can look like even when you're not physically present during the day. And so, today, Tammy is going to talk about what it's like to parent when your children are in public school. Right? Yes, exactly. So, Tami, give us a little intro to you. Just let us know a little bit about your family

Danae: 2:44

okay. So I have four kids and three have graduated from high school now. And my youngest is still in high school. He has three more years.

Cheryl: 2:53

He's going to be a sophomore? Yes, Wow. Yeah. Okay, and so have you always used public school?

Danae: 2:59

Yes, um, except for the preschool that I did with my oldest daughter at home. Uh, otherwise everything has been with the public school. Wow, well done. And you're almost

Cheryl: 3:11

through, you Yeah, almost there. Yeah. Just a few years behind Christy. Yeah, I am. I am.

Ellen: 3:16

Well, what was it like for you during, especially with that many munchkins? Before school started, you know, those, yeah, this time of year, having to do shopping and all that. Cause it's probably a lot different

Christie: 3:28

now with just one.

Cheryl: 3:29

Yeah.

Danae: 3:30

Well, we kind of ended up coming up with a tradition where every year before school started, I would take. Uh, each child out individually and have just kind of a special one on one time. Oh, wow. And you know, maybe go out to eat and do their school shopping. So, they got to pick out what they wanted for their back to school list. And, you know, That way we got to have some one on one time. I love that. Before they got started back to school, yeah. What a great memory. It is. Yeah, it's really fun. It's nice, yeah.

Cheryl: 3:56

Oh, I love that. It's not only practical, it's meaningful. And probably helpful for you too, especially not wrangling four children at once.

Danae: 4:06

Yeah, yeah. Picking up those school supplies. Yeah, it probably was helpful to you and Yeah. Sweet for them. Yeah, that time was just you. Yeah, we did try it a couple of times with everybody and it just was so overwhelming. Chaotic, yeah. Because they all have different needs. Yeah, probably you and everybody

Ellen: 4:21

else.

Danae: 4:21

Right. Yeah, well, and then you're like, okay, we need this one red folder and this one blue folder and you need this purple something. Uh huh. It was so crazy.

Cheryl: 4:30

Are there other particular traditions that you came up with related to your kids schooling?

Danae: 4:37

Well, I think the main thing is just celebrating like the transition. So celebrating the first day of school, my kids reminded me the other day, Oh, mom, you always have cookies at the table. The end of the first day and we come back and talk about their first day or, um, we'd always go and of course visit, the teacher that when they're in elementary school, you could have meet the teacher day and that was always fun to go see who my child would be spending their days with the meeting them and, you know, having a face to face conversation with them. I thought that was really important. to just get to know them, let them know who I am and that I'm, you know, there to help support them as well. I bet the teachers appreciated that. Yeah. Having a face to go with the children. I think it does help just for the parents and teachers to know each other and be able to have those conversations if they come up later in the year. And then Well, early on, in middle school when they used to have lockers, it was, let's go try out how to open that locker because we've got to practice. And you know, sometimes my kids would want to go back and practice three times because that was so hard to think about, Oh, how am I going to do this? And it throws their whole day off if they can't do that well. Open. Exactly. Yeah. So we did that. We'd go practice, uh, opening the lockers and then walking through their schedule because when they went into middle school, then they had, you know, yeah. Seven different classes and they had to find all of them. And so we'd walk through those and then into high school. Um, yesterday I just got to walk through with my youngest Oh. Walk his schedule and find all his classes. Of course, he didn't need my help at that point, but I was glad he let me come along and I love, well, you can envision.

Ellen: 6:11

Then where he's at, I'm in this building over here in this room over here. Yeah.

Danae: 6:17

I really love it. Like for me, it does help like to bridge that transition from summer back to school. You get to see where he's at, where he's going and how much he's going to be walking around the school. Yeah.

Christie: 6:27

Well, and all of your kids have gone through all the same elementary, middle school, high school, right? Almost.

Danae: 6:34

Yeah,

Christie: 6:34

but then high school all the same All the same. So, you know that school very well. I know

Danae: 6:39

Yeah, in fact yesterday I was walking through I was like, oh, I guess I'm never gonna walk through the freshman part of that building That's kind of a shock

Christie: 6:48

for me. that it's not just, you know, the same old thing for you. It's a new experience for them individually.

Cheryl: 6:54

Yes. Okay, so what I'm seeing here, listening to you, Tammy, I hear so much intentionality and engagement from you, and so, I want to hear more. And because I think that's something where you can really encourage and equip other parents whose children are in public school because you are not there with them from early in the morning to the afternoon. But you are very intentionally engaging and coming up with ways to stay involved and be connected to Do you have some other suggestions or ways that you've done that. For example, the transition in the morning. Going away and then the transition when they come home at night and your evenings. Give us some more because I love what I'm hearing from you.

Danae: 7:39

Okay, um, yeah. In the mornings, we would always just be getting ready together. Of course, as they got older, some of the schools started at different times. So it might be that I had breakfast with this kid and then the next one would be up and I'd be like talking with them. I would wait at the bus stop across the street from our house. We were really fortunate with buses for our elementary school. We got this amazing bus driver who was a grandmother of some of the kids on the bus. I love that. She just treated All of the kids on the bus, like her grandchildren. Yeah, my kids loved her and yeah, it was really a special rhythm for us. And it also gave me that extra, like, confidence that they were going to be okay. Because I had met her and she was amazing. And she's just one of our favorite people. And so I go outside and watch. Uh, stand with them and wait for the bus and, uh, meet some of the neighbors that way. And it was just good for all of us to just kind of, um, start the day off right.

Cheryl: 8:39

Oh, I like that. You're being intentional, not just about being there, but how you send them off.

Danae: 8:46

yes! I Made it a goal of mine. I don't remember where I heard this, um, exactly or read it, but just the idea that the leaving each other and the coming back together and how important those moments were in the day. And just to be intentional about like having a good leaving and making them feel loved and safe and like connected and then as they came back, just being there as much as I could, you know, you can't always be there, but as often as I could being there and being available, and if they want to eat a snack and sit at the table and talk about their day, then I was there for it. Um, sometimes just giving them that moment of like needing to decompress after being around people all day. You know, some of them are introverts and need that time to just like go to their room and like, you know, rest, and then coming back out and being available for them to just talk. And, um, I think one of the most important things was just eating dinner around the table every night. Wow, making sure that we all gathered together To be there with each other look at each other talk about our day So that we had that chance to reconnect at the end of the day

Cheryl: 9:54

It wasn't always easy because your kids are Like, they're musicians extraordinaire, and each one plays like ten instruments, and, you know, and they're all involved in a lot of things, so all of this just reeks of intentionality on your part.

Danae: 10:09

That was my hope. That was the one thing I felt like, if I had the time at home when they were at school, I wanted to use the time while they were gone to, like, make sure and, you know, make my grocery list, get the groceries, get the laundry done, so that when they were home, I could As much as I could, I could pour into my relationships with them and be available to them when I could,

Cheryl: 10:29

Okay, but you haven't always Had all that time because you've also had seasons where you worked outside the home. Yes, yes. So, speak to that. what did you do so that you could still keep this connection and intentionality when your time wasn't quite as free?

Danae: 10:48

Yeah, I think it definitely changed when my, um, youngest son was in 8th grade and I started, working full time. Uh huh. And so, I was very fortunate to have all of that time as a stay at home mom, which I think gave me a lot of that time to be more intentional and be able to Uh huh. Um, be there for them and, and, you know, volunteer at school and do all the kinds of things that you can do. But once I started working full time, I did notice that it shifted the, um, energy I had at the end of the day and some of that, like it was harder to still be intentional. But like, even if we were eating something frozen or something, you know, McDonald's or something fast, like we definitely still sat around the table and looked at each other at the end of the

Christie: 11:32

day. That's good. And yeah. I love that. Yeah, I read a study somewhere along the way when my kids growing up that said something about three to five dinners together had these great statistics on the impact on your kids. But it was said in there that it didn't matter if it was good food or even healthy food, but if you're around a table eating together, and I love that you found ways to compromise and the things that, you know, they matter, but not of the utmost importance. It's important. It's like relationship with your kids.

Ellen: 12:03

Well, your kids aren't going to remember the food they ate so much as that they always sat around the table. Right. Yeah.

Christie: 12:08

Yeah. And sometimes we can feel so much pressure to just do it all. Yeah. And prioritizing is so good. Yeah. Well, and actually

Cheryl: 12:16

the studies that you're talking about, it says even eating in the car together, Oh, and that small choice to prioritize dinner really became a grounding part of your family life.

Danae: 12:28

Yeah,

Cheryl: 12:29

So it didn't matter if it was a roast or a frozen pizza, the impact was the same. If you're around the table eating together, you're making space for connection. Passing back burgers are Chick-fil-A in the car While you're all together still has value. So don't discount the power of simple moments.

Christie: 12:50

yeah, for sure. Another thing I hear in you is a lot of intentionality in the relationships with those who have relationships with your kids. Yes. Your bus drivers, your teachers, and I'm sure that they're friends. How have you been able to navigate that? I mean, there's so many interactions your kids have throughout the day. Yeah. And I know sometimes kids aren't always revealing in everything that happened during the day. How do you stay connected Tips on how to be intentional with those people in their lives on a daily basis

Cheryl: 13:21

Yeah. How have you navigated that? I want to hear about that.

Christie: 13:24

Oh, yeah.

Danae: 13:25

Yeah. So, uh, how to stay involved, Um, definitely I would make sure that I made it to, an open house, uh, every year for, especially in the, well, in all the grades, but especially in the older grades where you can meet all of those teachers, you know, when your student has seven teachers and you can put a face to the, all of those teachers and who they are and get just to know them a little bit. And so, you know, that. It takes effort, but it is important to me to just go ahead and see all of their teachers, hear what's important to them, and then the parent teacher conferences, of course. And then if I did feel like my child was having, uh, difficulty with a certain situation, I could always call or email the teacher.

Christie: 14:06

Because you had that background of connection. Right. And

Danae: 14:08

then I knew who they were and kind of helped to kind of put a face to that name and yeah.

Christie: 14:14

Yeah. You were talking about. Um, you know, snack time or dinner time conversations with your kids. I hear a lot of parents say, like, I ask about their day and I get fine. It was good. You know, do you have any tips? I know you have some introverts. Do you have any tips on, like, how to draw out of them details about their day?

Danae: 14:31

I found that asking how was your day always ends in good or fine, generic, normal, especially the middle school years. Yeah. That's a standard answer. Yes. I've found asking things like who did you eat with at lunch today? Yeah. That's good. Specific. What did you do at recess? Who did you play with? What are you playing? Those kinds of questions. What are you learning in? And then I'd say a Specific subject. I'd say maybe, um, what are you learning in science right now, or, you know, just asking more specific questions that can't end in good or fine. Right. Well, and that's true for a lot

Christie: 15:05

because your, your kids are really feeling seen and known by you when you're remembering details of things they've told you in the past and following up in, in those areas.

Danae: 15:15

Hopefully. But yeah, also just I'm being intentional with their friends as well. I know, um, one of my daughter's friends was over one time and we all went to eat, dinner. I think we were having grilled cheese, so it was very simple. And, we were just sitting around the table eating and talking and she just said, Wait. Do you guys eat together every night? Oh. And we said, yeah. And it was so foreign to her and she was just so shocked by that. And so that was really fun to be able to share that with her too.

Christie: 15:44

Yeah. Well, increasingly so in our culture, kids are in two parent working households. And so that's a gift that you had to offer her and your daughter. I mean, it reiterates the comfort that you were giving your daughter to her too. Yeah.

Cheryl: 15:59

Tammy, I'm just so impressed. with how you have navigated this so intentionally and well. What advice would you give to other parents of public school children? Or if you saw ways you didn't navigate it well, that you would go back and redo? Just speak into this. What are your thoughts? Other struggles or specific things maybe you didn't realize were ahead of you. Yeah. And you would, uh, hand that to those parents.

Danae: 16:27

Okay. Yeah, I think there's several things I would mention. Number one, I would say, Don't be afraid of the system. I think, you know, sometimes there's this idea out there that it's bad and your kid's going to suffer or struggle, but I found that there were really amazing teachers that really invested in my kids lives. And I feel like, um, that doesn't get mentioned as often. I mean, Um, my daughter had a teacher that did a butterfly garden and she got to participate in that and it just really grew her interest in plants and then she ended up going on to major in plant biology in college and it really just has had a lifelong impact on her, you know, and my Something that seems so small. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So that was super amazing that that teacher was invested in that and that was extra. That wasn't something she got paid to do. It was something that she put in extra time, you know, and So good. Yeah, and like in the music programs at our public schools have been amazing. My children have had amazing experiences getting to do all kinds of things that, you know, I wouldn't have ever thought of to have them participate in.

Cheryl: 17:36

as we're good friends I've been so impressed because the numerous ways that those experts have poured into your children, giving them opportunities gone way out of their way to help them and, just bless them over and over. Yeah.

Danae: 17:54

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And so I think, just for parents to remember that the teachers who are there really care about the kids. They're there for the right reasons. They're there because they care about education. They care about the kids. And so yeah, just don't be afraid of the system and also to trust that it is going to be okay for your kids like I remember when my first child entered middle school and I thought, Oh my goodness, this school has so many kids and you know, middle school is notorious for being a challenging time of life for everyone, everybody. Yeah. And I was just, I was afraid of it, but I realized after she began. And that those teachers were aware how hard that transition would be for them. And they were ready for that and they were ready to support them. And they communicated that with us, like we're here to help them, you know, if they can't get their locker open, we can help them, you know. Uh, and that was really encouraging to me. And I also realized that my children would rise to the occasion. They would rise to the challenge and actually grow into being able to handle that situation like middle school or high school, those things that seemed so difficult and overwhelming to me as a parent. Yeah, so. Those things were really helpful. The other things, that I would say to parents is just also just, um, keep that intentionality of your, you know, leaving, you're coming back together. also those family dinners are important, obviously, and then just using your, your time when you are with your children to build those relationships, you know, in your summers, in your evenings, your weekends, because there's really a lot of time to have that, relationship building time. Oh, that's fantastic life. I love it. I love it.

Cheryl: 19:44

And I love it because. You're right. I'd love to hear the PR from you and your experience. This is not something you're handling theoretically you've been in the trenches. Yeah, and I'm watched your kids They have flourished really well, and they really

Danae: 19:58

have Yeah, yeah, I've just been really impressed with how, individualized I felt their education was even in the middle of a huge system. And you know, I think one story I remember picking up my son from middle school one day and as he was getting in the car, his teacher just said, Hey, see you later and called him by name. And I was like, this is amazing. Like they have, you know, Over a hundred students. Yeah. And he knew my son's name. I was gonna say, you're

Christie: 20:26

not in a tiny school district. That takes a lot of intentionality for those teachers.

Danae: 20:31

Yeah. So just the ability for them to, you know, have that hands on Yeah. Experience with teachers that knew them by name, knew who they were, knew were paying attention to their needs and also just their ability to be able to develop in music and the different things that you couldn't have offered under other circumstances.

Cheryl: 20:50

No. Yes. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Fantastic. Yeah, um, so many opportunities. What is a way that you would say your parenting is better or improved and shaped because you are the parent of public school kids?

Danae: 21:05

I think the main thing that I have learned, had to learn early on, is that part of letting go. And that natural process of having to let go of our children and it starts early in public school. You're letting your five year old go into school and having to just trust that they are in good hands and that they are going to be okay without me being there every single minute that they are okay. That's so good. So that

Cheryl: 21:38

probably means. All the way through, your children are impacted that you are seasoned with releasing, so that the releasing process, which is what raising our children is, was maybe a little easier through teen years and then young adult years.

Danae: 21:54

I think, yeah, it's very possible because I had to start early and gradually released it. Thank you. You know, you're releasing to kindergarten, then you're releasing to full all day school first grade, and then you're releasing into middle school and then high school and of course, driving. Everybody gets through that process. And yeah, it was just a definite process of learning to trust. What was going to happen with them if I wasn't there, but they wouldn't have to be with me all the time.

Christie: 22:25

Which is also really empowering for your kids to put that trust in them and say, Hey, I, I know that you're capable of navigating this. I'm not going to put you in a place or situation for sure that I don't feel is, is Is good for you and safe for you. Yes. And I see the qualities in you that it's going to take to navigate this. I can see where that would give your kids so much, Security and confidence from their mom. Saying, you know, this is a good thing for you. Yeah.

Danae: 22:51

Empowering. I think that is one thing, too, I would say about public school. It has definitely been an opportunity for my own children to grow in independence, you know, because I wasn't there, they had to navigate things, and we would have conversations about like, Oh, yes, this is a new class, but it's going to be hard for those first few minutes, but you're going to be okay after that. And they would manage it, they would navigate it, they would make new friends. You know, if their own friends that they were used to weren't in the new class or the new lunch break that they got, um, they would, make new friends and it was okay and they were just they have learned to develop so much of that and just in high school by usually by junior year I can be pretty much like hands off observer and not so much constantly being into their education, like, making them do their homework or, you know, because by then they have the natural consequences. They know how the system works. Yeah. Yeah. And they know, you know, the teachers that they need to talk to and they can have those conversations if they need to. And I can just say, Hey, I noticed you struggled a little bit with this or that, or are you getting this done? But otherwise just completely like letting them be independent. People and I've found that they have really thrived in that independence and grown into it. And yeah, you know that responsibility you have to you build it gradually, like you can't just suddenly drop into responsibility.

Ellen: 24:20

And that's a good transition as they prepare for adulthood, because that's really what it is and letting go, whether they go on to college or they go to do something different. They have a lot of skills that they learn from school, good and bad. They learn how to manage people fairly well,

Cheryl: 24:37

for sure. And watching your children, three already, they are prepared for adulthood. I think their transition has been really smooth post graduate from high school. Yeah.

Danae: 24:48

I think so, too. I think they have been very prepared, though, uh, the two that have gone to college already have said they felt very prepared for the classes. Excellent. You know, and I've seen them handle their finances, handle their living situations, reaching out to adults when they need to, talk to them. Um, all of those skills you. learn as you're going through, early adulthood, they've had to learn and they've actually done really well with it. So yeah, I do feel like they were really prepared for that. That's good.

Christie: 25:15

Well, I, I know this about your kids that they've been motivated students and interested students and engaged students. That is true. And I just hearing all of your intentionality and all the support and excitement and enthusiasm you've had for their success. I think I, I know you won't say this about yourself, but I think that's really been the fuel behind their interest and their motivation to, to do well and to grow into those places. So yes, I know the school system prepared them, but their mom being their cheerleader and, and being just as enthusiastic about them flourishing in their future had to have been the fuel that kept that going. I

Danae: 25:53

sure hope so. I hope at least some of that helped.

Cheryl: 25:56

Absolutely. Okay, we are so out of time. Tammy I'm so thankful you have given such perspective. you're right, when you said earlier, public schools, I've really been given a bad rap right now and a lot of parents might feel a little insecure about it and I loved hearing your story. It is so encouraging and equipping whether someone's in the public schools or considering this as an option, I love hearing how you've navigated it. And I echo what Chrissy said, well done mom, well done. Thank you so much for coming in. This was an amazing conversation. Yeah, it was good. Thank you for having me. So parents, remember, like Tammy has done, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it. Parenting in the public school system requires a kind of steady courage, a willingness to release, to trust, and to keep showing up in the in-between moments. Whether it's walking through new schedules, cheering them on from a distance, or connecting over dinner at the end of a long day, what you do matters more than you know. I hope today reminded you that intentionality isn't about perfection, it's about presence. If this episode encouraged you, stick with us. We'll be revisiting more honest conversations in this series. Next up, what it's like to parent in private school and then homeschooling. These aren't about making the right choice. They're about understanding each other and strengthening our parenting wherever we are. If something from today resonated, I'd love to hear from you. You can always reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or find us on social. So take a breath, keep loving, and come back next time. As we keep unpacking the real stuff together.