Real Parenting in a Private School World (Encore) | Ep. 173

This encore episode explores parenting in a private school setting—but the conversation reaches beyond. From friendships to expectations, it’s about staying grounded in what matters most, wherever your kids go to school.

Transcript

Cheryl: 0:11

Welcome back to the Parenting Podcast. I'm Cheryl Lang, and today we're sharing an encore conversation that still speaks to the heart of parenting. I sat down with a friend who's a private school parent to talk about raising kids in that world. But really this one's for all of us. We talk about friendships, pressure, expectations, and how does take rounded and what matters most. I'm so glad you're here. Let's jump in. Today our friend, Leslie Whittington is joining us here in the studio. Welcome Leslie. Thank you. Thank you. We're so glad you're here. I'll remind you listeners, we're doing a little mini series for our kickoff, to go back to school. And so we're not going to talk about should you homeschool or private school or public school. Instead, we're going to focus on what it's like to parent in those choices. And so we're really excited to have Leslie because she's going to talk about what it's like to parent children in private school. Leslie, we want to hear from your experience as a parent yourself and with your children and what you and your children walked through Okay. So give our audience a little bit of background about who you

Leslie: 1:44

are, your family. Okay. I've got two children and they were. Just 17 months apart. So back to back, all the decisions we had to make all the same time. Right. We started actually in a public school when our son was in kindergarten and then, soon transitioned to a private school. And so that's all our kids knew. Um, I'm also a teacher and so I wasn't teaching at the time when my kids were. First in school, but I eventually started teaching and for us it made it affordable to go to private school while I was teaching there. My husband and I have been married over 30 years now.

Cheryl: 2:19

Both your kids are in their 20s, right? Yes, 24 and 25. Wow. Oh, they're getting their prefrontal cortex. They are. Finally, we made it. Yes. Well done, mom.

Leslie: 2:31

Thank you. We survived.

Ellen: 2:33

That's great.

Christie: 2:34

So 17 months apart, that's very close. And I can totally believe you when you say making all the decisions at once. Yeah, it's true. Because it's almost like having twins. Yeah. Yes. So we're in the back to school month, what was this like for you 10 or 15 years ago when you had kids still in private school what was the season like? Um,

Leslie: 2:56

a lot of, let's start waking up earlier, let's start in those morning transitions of, okay, let's have a little more structure in our days than we did in the summer. True. Um, school clothes, back to school. supplies You know, my son, who didn't care as much about the supplies, and my daughter, who had to be very specific. Yeah, yeah. So, different experiences, depending on the child,

Cheryl: 3:19

For your family was it, just an easy transition, or was it hard for them to get back into school?

Leslie: 3:28

I would say for the most part they looked forward to it. Okay. As they got older they were a little, you know, I've got to do all the work, but. Right. Yeah. But they were always very excited to see their friends, that was the most important part. Yeah. Of course. Of course. Going back to see their friends. And being at a school where they knew everyone and there weren't a lot of, new people, but they already knew everyone going in and going into middle school and high school.

Christie: 3:53

So one thing unique to private school unlike public school is that With public school, typically you lived near all of your friends in the same area. Oh, yeah. Was that different, navigating friendships and things outside of school?

Leslie: 4:06

Yes, it was. Um, in fact, they had a lot of times their friends here and their friends there. Yeah. Like neighborhood friends versus

Christie: 4:15

school

Leslie: 4:16

friends Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Cheryl: 4:18

So as a parent, did you have to step into that? Navigate that for your kids? That they had sort of like, adults have work life. Right. And home life. or community life. So your children, had a community in their private school, and then they had a community outside. So as a parent, how did you kind of skate through that? Did your kids do it seamlessly? Or how did you work on that?

Leslie: 4:44

I think we just navigated it as it came., They did do well, I would say. They, they did They recognized there were this group and then this group, and they, they noticed the differences, um, whatever the differences those were, but Yeah, they navigated that pretty well. I don't feel like I had to step in.

Christie: 5:01

It probably gave them a little bit More of a diverse friend experience. Yeah, I would think

Cheryl: 5:06

So I had never thought about that before that actually kind of prepared them For what the rest of life is really gonna be like

Leslie: 5:13

yes And and I would say so one of the reasons we I decided to do private school was for the size. I grew up in a rural school district and I liked the small town feel. And so that's kind of what I was looking for. But I would say that one of the things that I didn't, expect going into it, was there is this smaller group, but it's not as diverse as you would expect because it's in a larger area Right. Right. So you've got more of a consolidation of of kids and parents and that's kind of where time, it was hard because, going into school where you know, it was a drop in the bucket for a lot of families to pay for this private school. Um, with us, it was a little harder. it was definitely a sacrifice for us to do that. And so there were times I had to check my own stuff and say, I don't have to keep up with the Joneses. Yeah. That's a good point. And for my kids as well. not having to, you know, Have the best and the most and do everything

Christie: 6:17

right

Leslie: 6:17

I

Christie: 6:17

mean I think kind of the well known thing about private schools is that the children are there by choice and that the parents are, intentionally choosing and funding this environment for their child. So that's a different family dynamic, different, um, economic dynamic than your local public school. So that would be hard to navigate, Especially in that environment.

Leslie: 6:40

but it is tricky,

Ellen: 6:41

sometimes the financial disparity is hard. Yeah. Because when you go to private school, you know that there's going to be a certain amount of money that you have to pay, plus all the extra stuff. And then you as a family have to decide how much of this extra stuff can we do and afford that maybe their peer group's doing and we're happy to have our kids there, but we cannot do all the extras that some of the kids do.

Christie: 7:04

And I think all parents, all families want to instill gratitude and contentment in their children. Um, you have to be a little more intentional in this kind of environment

Cheryl: 7:14

I don't see you're adult children. as entitled, which is something we're talking about, that entitlement and exclusivity often comes with expensive private schools. Yes.

Christie: 7:26

And I think all private school parents, want to fight for this. Absolutely. So I think having this conversation really encourages those parents

Leslie: 7:32

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Cheryl: 7:34

were There ways you learned from others

Leslie: 7:36

Well, I think a lot of it had to do with our own backgrounds and reminding our kids, you know, this isn't, like, we didn't get this opportunity, this is an opportunity. And as well as just our own. Personal values. I think sometimes when you go into a private school, you think everyone's going to be the same and sometimes they are, but sometimes they're not. And so,

Christie: 7:58

so not making assumptions,

Leslie: 7:59

not making assumptions. And, um, then it seemed like their other group of friends over here were, different, and they recognized that they didn't have the financial advantages. And so in one circle, they were kind of the low feeling, socioeconomic, and on the other end, they were higher. And so, yeah, they kind of experienced both in different situations, um, which kept them really balanced. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what helped because we were very involved in what they did and they were very involved in school, but we were also involved in other things. So I think that. So it almost kind of

Christie: 8:37

became less of an issue in some ways because there was such a broad range in their different environments. I think so.

Leslie: 8:43

Yeah. Um, it was all perspective. And so I feel like they had a good perspective because they were able to experience both places in groups.

Christie: 8:52

Well, and I would say they, they had a good experience because of you were having those conversations. I mean, for you to acknowledge the elephant in the room and help them find language and, awareness. that they could talk to you about how to navigate that. That communication is important. Yeah,

Leslie: 9:07

we talked about everything. Like, I didn't leave things off. That's good. I mean, we talked about everything. Right. We still do to some point, but they're adults now, but as growing up, we wanted them to be able to talk about the things, and I will tell you that I felt like the time that. Where I felt, oh, we've been doing all right here, is my daughter was in high school and something was said and she said, Mom, not everyone at school is like us. Aww. And she was

Christie: 9:33

referring to the relationship that you have with, with your kids. That's so good.

Leslie: 9:37

Being able to talk

Christie: 9:38

about the,

Leslie: 9:39

everything.

Cheryl: 9:40

Navigating all this, and much of that season, you were a working mom as well. Yes Because Very clearly you had a good relationship with your kids and you invested well in the conversations and keeping that bridge open. What are some ways that you did it, morning send off after school?? so what are some of the ways that helped you build those conversations

Leslie: 10:02

definitely car time was huge, having those conversations in the cars and my kids were of the age where, uh, it was about middle school age when iPhones started being a thing. And so we didn't have any of that before that. so that was nice. They weren't on their phones. They were having to either. Not saying yeah, or answer my question right there out the window. And and I am known for asking a lot of questions. Which I'm sure that at times they were like stop asking so many questions, but I look back I'm glad I did because of course you have to I mean, that's how you get answers from kids and the right questions

Cheryl: 10:40

Okay, so give us examples because we always want to hear and our listeners always want to know You What are some of the tools you use to keep that conversation flow going?

Leslie: 10:52

Just talking about their friends, like I'm talking a lot about noticing other people in school. Do you notice if there's anyone that sits by themselves? How do you think they feel? You know, really trying to not focus in on who's doing the best but just, who else do you notice? The other thing I will say is but encouraging or allowing space for my husband to be involved. so while I was a teacher, I did work at the school they were at for a while and, in order for me to get my class ready and stuff, he was able to take them to school. So he would take them to school in the morning. He got that time. Yeah. we would always pray for them, before, school and with them and what are your concerns or anything like that. But he would also say, look for someone to include today like he would kind of give them a challenge every day Which he's really good at Yeah, yeah,

Cheryl: 11:45

I love that idea of giving them a challenge and see this kind of answers that exclusivity That a private school family has to fight upstream right to get out of this is helpful

Christie: 12:01

Well, not Only that it was a private school environment, but a smaller environment, which we all know from experience can tend to be cliquish, and I love that you were putting, um, words and giving them invitations into action in how to be counter cultural in their settings, and, yeah, just Imparting your values that you wanted them to live out on, giving them ways to do that. That's really good. Yeah,

Leslie: 12:27

I think, hopefully,

Christie: 12:29

yeah, no, I know that they do. I mean, that, that's the thing. I think even before we had become friends, drawn to you and, and Seeing you and Pearson's connection with your kids, I really respect the investment and just in what you're sharing, I'm hearing you say that you look for ways to maximize the time that you were together and really let your kids know that you see them and entered into their world and their conversations. Thank you.

Cheryl: 12:55

Because one of the things when you're in any kind of smaller environment, Yes. Is there's not a lot of place to hide. Right. So I love that you're, intentionally saying, remember, look for the ones who are hiding or who aren't in the In the center, because if you've got 3, 000 people in your school, you can find a different group.

Leslie: 13:16

So, But knowing my two different kids and their two different personalities, they had two different experiences. And so where one of them really found a small, tight knit community, the other kind of languished a little bit and had a little bit harder time. And at times I thought, maybe if we would have chosen this, they would have been able to find a little bit more. But and I've said this before, knowing that we're making a choice based on what we know right now. Yeah, exactly. And that's the best choice, you know, in their journey, they're going to learn whatever they're going to learn from it. Yep. And we're here to guide. Yeah.

Cheryl: 13:52

Well, that's what we present In this miniseries, but always here. You know. We're not doing the parenting podcast because we made all the right decisions. We are saying the reality is you're doing the best with what you know to do right now Right. Absolutely. And that's what you have to just trust and trust the process.

Leslie: 14:13

And I found it was a lot of my own expectations I had to change or to redefine a little bit. Okay. So talk about those. What

Cheryl: 14:20

were some of your expectations you came into the situation with as their parent in this smaller private school. What were your expectations? I

Leslie: 14:29

expected everyone to welcome each other the way I Yeah. The way you were. The way they knew how to. Yeah, uh huh. And they didn't always. And there was still, you know, there was Relationships are hard and kids growing up and kids are so cliquish with it, whatever school they go to. We forget humans are going to be humans. Absolutely. Humans are humans. And I remember telling my daughter, like, just because it seems like this person's this way, doesn't mean that they've got it all together. Like there's stuff underneath, like if they're acting that way, there's probably a reason and trying to really. Find empathy for people even when they were not in kind.

Cheryl: 15:07

You as the parent had to do that in your own heart as well. Even though you're having this great conversation. Right. It's really hard when it's your children. Right. Mama Bear comes out.

Ellen: 15:18

Exactly. Well, and they,

Leslie: 15:19

they let it go, and they're fine the next week, and I'm still hanging on to it. I have to, yeah, letting that go. Very good. Um, but I think also, the expectations of academics, They got a fabulous education. I will say two parts, so academic and teachers. So, I mean, just with every teacher, they're teaching because They care

Cheryl: 15:38

Yeah.

Leslie: 15:39

They care about learning and kids. And that's the reason they're doing it. but. My kids aren't going to always like their teachers and I would say, especially going into middle school, but even in into high school, but especially that middle school age was teaching them or having those conversations with them that you may not agree with that teacher, but you still show them respect. And I think that was a big thing. and they did, they learned to talk to adults. They learned to navigate and advocate for themselves. And so just being able to speak and not, you know, always going to the teacher behind their backs or

Cheryl: 16:13

yeah, because that's that preparation for releasing because that's easy to do. It would be

Leslie: 16:17

easy to take care of it for them,

Cheryl: 16:19

particularly, I could see that a private school parent would really have to fight against that because they go, I'm paying X amount of dollars in this. You teachers, you need to do what I want. I'm invested. Yeah. Right, right. And that, that's a really bad way to equip your children for adulthood.

Leslie: 16:37

And my kids recognize the kids that. Felt that way or had that attitude. The parents that felt that way, the kids would say things. Yeah. Interesting. And they recognized that. They saw that.

Christie: 16:46

Right, right. I think a lot of parents feel that pressure. I think that's probably true of what you're saying too, Cheryl, especially in a private school environment. yes. And so that probably just fed into additional pressure for your kids to navigate yeah, what was that like to, it sounds like you did a really good job getting to the heart of matters rather than performance.

Cheryl: 17:08

Yeah, particularly navigating the pressure that there is in a small private school for all students. for academic excellence! What would you say to the parents who are considering, or are in private school, and they're feeling this pressure we're talking

Leslie: 17:23

about. Well, first of all, no school is going to be perfect. And no school is going to be perfect for every child. And so, let your kids excel where they excel and let them fail where they're going to fail. Right. And, and yeah, I, I think for us, it was more about our kids and what they thought about themselves. They both did great on their ACT. They made exactly the same score somehow. Oh,

Christie: 17:48

that's funny.

Leslie: 17:48

Oh, man. But They had friends who had perfect scores, and so in their minds they weren't quite as smart and so I think when you have that pressure cooker of ability and Resources going in a small community and that's the measurement the perspective so yeah, you want your kids to do as well as they can you want to encourage them? That's a hard balance. You want to encourage them, but you don't want to pressure them and Put your expectations on them. Yeah,

Cheryl: 18:18

well regardless of what you feel inside again, good parenting is trying to bring that balance to the situation you know, because What if your children were the ones setting the standard? You don't want that to be their identity. Right. And that's the deal. What I hear you saying is you've been speaking to your children's identity. And so this is who you are. Not what you do, and in that pressure cooker environment of a private school, I would think identity would be a major thing to talk about and to be cautious of whether you're the one with the perfect ACT, SAT score or you're one with A moderate score.

Leslie: 19:01

Right, yeah. I think absolutely, identity.?

Ellen: 19:04

Well, adding to the identity, I think, you know, that's kind of what you're communicating because the identity is lifelong.

other: 19:10

And it's

Ellen: 19:11

very tightly formed in middle school and high school, whether we like it or not. And we have to really help as parents to say, you're not your SAT score. You're not your clothing size. You're not your athletic ability. Yes, exactly. Right. Yeah.

Christie: 19:28

Well, yeah, and with private school, you've chosen this school for a reason, but not to make those reasons the make or break deal for your child's future forever. Yeah. Yes.

Leslie: 19:41

Yeah. That's a very good way to put it.

Cheryl: 19:42

And, Leslie, we are out of time I want to thank you so much for coming in here and sharing with us because this is what parents need to hear. It's not the best or the bashing, but a realistic presentation. This is what it's like to be a parent in private school. well done. You did a great job. Thank you.

Leslie: 20:06

Thank you for having me. Thank you for giving me this chance. I want to encourage everyone. Parents, you're doing the best you can and just keep going. Well, that's exactly it. This whole series, I've

Christie: 20:15

loved us doing because I love hearing the different perspectives. And one thing we've talked a lot about is all of the different choices that there are to make in parenting, none of them at the end of the day is the end of the world decision. And so there's freedom to do the best you can with what you have, where you are and the children you have. Absolutely.

Cheryl: 20:37

That was a great summary. Thanks again for coming in. Thank you. And parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it. Thanks for joining us today for this conversation. While it focused on private school parenting, the themes run deeper comparison, identity, connection, no matter where your kids go to school, those are the important issues and questions every parent faces. This discussion is a reminder that parenting isn't about getting it all right? It's about staying present. Choosing what matters and learning as we go. We'd love to hear from you. Reach out through our website on social or by emailing contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I'm glad you joined us. There's more to come, so we'll see you next time.