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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Launching, Not Raising: The Shift That Changes Parenting | Ep. 178
What if the real goal of parenting isn’t raising children, but launching adults? On this episode, we explore the mindset shift of giving freedom and responsibility along the way—so your kids step into adulthood more prepared, connected, and confident.
Holding on feels natural. It feels safe. But what if the real work of parenting is learning to let go little by little from the time they're small? Today on The Parenting podcast, we're talking about how to guide our kids with freedom and responsibility so they're ready for adulthood. I'm Cheryl Lang. And I'm so glad you're here for this conversation. Listeners, you're gonna be glad you're here today because kyla's back here in the recording studio with us. Welcome. Thank you.
Christie:Yes. Good to be here guys together in the same room at the same time. good. Yes. Miracle Miracles been too long. Uhhuh, let's turn
Cheryl:off the microphone and have fun. Yes. Alright, Kyla, you're always our good question bringer, what have you got for us today?
Kyla:All right. Yeah. So I wanna bring up the topic called planned emancipation. Mm-hmm. I heard about this initially several years ago actually from Christie. Yep. Mm-hmm. And it's something I wanna know more about, I wanna talk about. I think it's important, but what is it about? Yes. Yeah. Wow. Because that's where
Cheryl:I first heard it from you. And when I did, I thought, Chrissy, that is brilliant. That's what we wanna do.
Christie:Right. Well, I mean, I think that maybe the term you guys heard from me, but Cheryl, you've been teaching on this for years, so I, I think that's why I was so drawn to the idea because it just puts language Yes. To what you've already been talking about. And our listeners may not know this phrase or but they know the, the concept. Yeah. Because we talk about these things all the time. Right. We just haven't. Explicitly said this phrase.
Cheryl New:Okay. So, Christie, I'm gonna let you explore it a little bit. So explain yeah. What do we mean by this? And then where did you hear about it? We wanna give
Christie:credit to your source. Yeah. Well I was in a conversation with some moms and they were talking about this podcast, um, called Feeding the mouth that bites you. And the host of the podcast also has a book by the same title. His name is Ken Wilkis.
Cheryl:Mm-hmm.
Christie:And I wasn't familiar with him, but I was listening them. Talk about this Idea that you're increasingly giving your kids freedom as they're growing. Mm-hmm. With the idea that we're planning to release them into adulthood. So we're equipping our kids as they grow. By putting them in circumstances where they have increased freedoms, but they also have increased responsibilities, which we recently talked about Uhhuh on the podcast, and letting natural consequences be the guide through that process, rather than swooping in with a bunch of rules holding control of our kids. Mm-hmm. Until 18 and then just. Saying, alright, well there's adulthood, so good luck with it. Yeah. What I like
Cheryl New:about it is that what it's doing, it's incrementally, intentionally transferring responsibility over time to them rather than abruptly say, Hey, you graduated yesterday, here's a adult life. Right? Right. And that you suddenly dump it on them rather than begin a slow process, um, again, progressively. release
Christie:mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Actually, rather than so much of what we do, I would say that it's a mindset shift.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:That I'm trying to prepare you for adulthood.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And if I control the reins until I think you're ready for it, I kind of won't let the reins go. Right. They'll never be fully ready. Right. No. Right. That's, that's the old thing of, oh, I'll give you freedoms when I see you're fully responsible. Mm-hmm. Well, we'd be kind of waiting till maybe 40. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You know?
Cheryl New:What we want to do, because it's planned, we want to say we're heading towards full adulthood, full independence, full autonomy, right? And we want to start thinking. Early on, how can we orchestrate and curate my parenting, their childhoods step by step, whether I'm ready or not. Mm-hmm. Towards full adulthood, right? Full emancipation and that mindset, the lens through which I look at parenting and them as individuals is how is this going to help you become the adult you're going to be? Mm-hmm. Rather than, how can I protect you and keep this safe and keep you outta trouble, and don't let you get into that and keep my control, which I might naturally want to do. We have a. Huge lens and mindset
Kyla:shift. And that blows my mind thinking whether they're ready or not. Yeah. We're giving them freedoms. Mm-hmm. Ah, I'm just playing that out with the ages of my kids that range from nine to 15, how that's gonna work. Where do I start?
Cheryl New:Well, and you see, that's one of the reasons we don't do it. Mm-hmm. Because, um, in any area of our life, the two. Opposite ends of total authoritarian rigid control, and free reign no rules at all. Both of those are a lot easier. Yes. You know, whether it's our diet or exercise or how I spend my days and our money. Mm-hmm. You know, in every area in religion. It's a lot easier to be very controlled and legalistic. Mm-hmm. Or say whatever you want. Sure. It goes, and so the problem is to do this, just what you said, there's a lot of fear.
Christie:Yeah. Well yeah, because I remember, um. For a long time I was a no mom. Mm-hmm. Like I just said no all the time because it was easier. I, no, you can't paint. No, we can't go, you know? Do that today. No, no. You can't have that friend over. It's just hard and to say yes all the time. Right. And it just made my life easier to say no. Yep. Rather than, let me think about that. Let me think if that's a good idea. Let me decide the parameters of this decision or the, you know, the consequences of if we do paint, then are we gonna, you know, it's just so much easier. But what I found myself, when I would come up with all these rules and nos Yeah. It's not sustainable. Mm-hmm. So then I would just be exhausted and I'd be like, fine, whatever. Do whatever you want. So
Cheryl New:you move, we move from one end of the spectrum to the other back and forth. Exactly. And some people never leave one of the ends of the spectrum.'cause it's just easier. right. Except if we're thinking about who we want our children to become. Right. And that's what we want to alleviate, is don't do it fear-based. Mm-hmm. Be intentional. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And what I'd like us to do, it's such a big, great topic. What about if we kind of talk about the philosophy of it today? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Kind of giving you, like, let's say Kyla, I want to convince you. Mm-hmm. What a brilliant Way to raise our children. This is, that sounds great. Yeah. When we're starting something new, We also want to change our vocabulary.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:For example, if you're trying to change your body health and you're going to be switching how you eat as a lifestyle, when you say I'm on a diet, I can't do that. Mm-hmm. Or you say what I'm doing, I'm going towards a much healthier lifestyle. Mm. And or you just couch it in different words. Right. And so for example,, and let's call it pe'cause planned emancipation is too big Right? Um, so with pe, like we could change it from raising kids to I'm launching an adult. Yeah. I love that. You know, so all along we keep talking about it. And when we talk to our friends or we talk with our kids, or just in my mind, I'm thinking, am I helping to launch an adult? Mm-hmm. Or am I raising a child? that helps me focus.
Christie:Yeah. Right.
Cheryl New:If we're thinking about who we want our children to become. I really like that because a lot of times. In a lot of areas, particularly with our children, everybody wants to know the what and the how.
Mm. Right. And the
Cheryl:big question I want to ask is, who who do I want my children to become? Yeah. And so like. I was feeling your pain about, oh, all the decisions and what do I do that clarifying it. Okay, who do I want this child to be when they're an adult? Mm-hmm. What is my vision for where we're going? And as they get older, they join in that and we link arms with who they want to become. Mm-hmm. And then we figure out the how or the what. But to be first convinced Kyla that you are looking towards releasing your children into adulthood. Wow. Rather than. Protecting and raising your little children.
Kyla:Yes, and I fell into that big time. I, uh, I just wanted a lot of control and structure. I mean, that's all I knew. Yeah. But. They started to get older, like 9, 10, 11, and they were pushing away wanting more freedoms, uh, decision making on their own. And I was still holding onto control and it was a battle. Mm-hmm. And I started to realize I need that shift in my parenting. What is that? I don't know what it looks like because I'm holding them back and they're kind of turning away from me. Because I'm not letting them release. Yes.
Cheryl:Mm-hmm. Well, and if we had had this conversation 15 years ago mm-hmm. I would've said, oh, by the way, I know you're still bringing him home from the hospital, but let's talk about having this mindset. When you're holding that little bundle of joy in your arms mm-hmm. In the diaper, that of course you're not sending'em out into the work world, but that already, you're not thinking, oh, how long can I hold onto you? Right. And protect you and so forth. How can I even go through your childhood? Mm-hmm. With the idea of launching you as an adult. Yeah. You know? And some people, when they hear this idea, they're saying, oh, Mm-hmm. You're being really permissive but the problem is, that's confusing freedom with guidance.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:That's good.
And
Cheryl New:This idea of PE is very much guidance. Right, it's very intentional, it's gradual, and we've got to figure out Mm-hmm. The what and the how, but the philosophy is no, we're gonna do this in guidance. I'm gonna walk alongside of you and incrementally move the responsibility, the decisions. The consequences right onto your shoulders. Mm-hmm. And the problem is, I know a lot of people, you get 18 and parents go goodbye. Yeah. And then you have all of it crashing in on you. Mm-hmm. In adulthood. And it's much more complicated now with devices and. The connected world that we have. And so I want to start early and then walk alongside of them yeah.
Kyla:cause in reality, I, I mean, the future is flashing before my eyes. Yeah. With a 15-year-old. Yeah. In three years. You're 18. Mm-hmm. I mean, we've gotta start this process. Mm-hmm. So she fails. At home where there's a soft landing. But that's, hard!
Cheryl:yeah.
Kyla:Let me give you an example. So for years I was a no phone, no device mom. I mean, I just swore with my husband on board, like, oh, not till they're 18, social media, internet, uh, everything. I just thought, Nope, not on my watch. And it, it. Changed in me about middle school age with my oldest when I started to realize. She was being ostracized, completely left out, the only one in her group without a phone, and her heart was breaking, and I just realized I need to rethink this mm-hmm. To be different. Even though I hate media and phones and the impact it's making in this culture. That's the reality that I need to parent her in. I like that. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Plus, how does the other help? Prepare her to launch into adulthood, right? If she graduates, and in her graduation with her graduation gown, you go, here's your first phone. Figure it out. Mm-hmm. Right? Instead of, let me walk alongside of you Yeah, because she is figuring it all out. It
Kyla:was a little awkward because she was getting notifications from her sports team or her. Group with school and she was missing memos, notifications. Yep. Because she didn't have the device. Then it got really awkward'cause I was still firm in my stance and said, you know what? You can't be on the GroupMe chat, but I'll, I'll go in and join. And so it was like a bunch of seventh grade girls plus me. It just got to be a little ridiculous.
Michelle:right?
Kyla:Yeah. But you know, it was a lot easier to have a firm no than it was to go ahead and do the research. Caring about her heart, her social standing, how she felt with her peers being included in part of a group, not following blindly, but just being her own person. Not'cause she deserves it or is mature enough, but because she's gonna be released soon. Can I give her a little more freedom? A little more at a time?
Christie:well, and the thing is, she was feeling all of those feelings because she saw this grasses greener out there where all the friends frolic and play with their phones, and you were seeing her heartbreak. But really what's happening there is you're, as you're releasing her to enter into this world, she's getting the realization that. The world isn't all green and grassy out there, it's, it's a hard thing because then she's probably experiencing the conversations and how you conduct yourself in a group chat and how you know, people might say things that. I'm assuming she's encountered things where a girl said something unkind. I know that I'm just talking from my own girl's experiences, right? Yes. And you're able to, help her navigate that rather than had you stuck with no phone until 18. What's she gonna do then? She's not gonna call her mommy at 19 and say. I am in my first group chat. I don't know what to say, you know? Right. And so I just think you made a wise shift in helping her at, and we're not endorsing necessarily an age for everybody. No, we're just saying it's a little trickier than mm-hmm. No permission at all until adulthood.
Cheryl:Right. And see, part of this is this guidance that we're walking alongside instead of us just exerting control from the top, you will do this, you will do that. Mm-hmm. We're walking alongside and increasingly saying, well, what do you think? Mm-hmm. Let's talk about that. What do you think? How do you think this ought to work out? And we're having a lot of conversations where they're being pulled into the decisions of their life. Mm-hmm. Actually, what this really is, is mentoring, right? Right. Instead of saying, we're gonna tell you what to do, and you fit in a box, you are mentoring your children throughout their childhood.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And so you're beginning to have conversations and saying, okay, we made this decision before. Now I wanna hear what you really think. And then actually listen to them and walk alongside and say, okay, we want to give you more freedom. That's our desire. That's our goal, is to release you. And we want you to be a fully grown, independent adult, So that you have that conversation going and instead of her having to fight you Yeah. All the way she's walking along with you and. What I think this would do would be reduce some of the tension in the home. Mm-hmm. And some of the pushback all the way because you're handing her more increased freedom. You're giving them wings. You're giving them some wings. Right. And you have to keep the wings clipped. Mm-hmm. Okay. And you allow them to grow out, but you're doing it in stages, over time and I think that would give her so much more trust in you as her parent. Mm-hmm. To know my goal is to release you. Let's talk about how we get there. Yeah. Does that make sense? Exactly. It does. Kyla, I just see this as so wise. for example. I'd say riding a bike. Mm-hmm. Okay. And learning to live life, it's much more important than riding a bike. But if we use the examples like training wheels, and now when I had training wheels, they were actually uneven. Intentionally so that I had to learn to kind of balance. And so it wobbled back and forth. And then actually what my dad did is he made him a little wobbler. So it wobbled a little more, and then eventually we took'em off, even though I wasn't really sured, but if he hadn't taken'em off, I would still be in training wheels. Mm-hmm. That's kind of a picture of this, but. I even think even more improved are the balance bikes. Yeah. That they're never really using training wheels and let's kind of say those are legalistic rules that I am in control. And if you do the studies, balance bikes. trains someone faster and better how to ride a bike. Mm-hmm. And there isn't this huge transition. So I think that maybe this approach. Doesn't make such a huge transition to adult life. It's a little bit more seamless because you've been doing it all along now. The bike's just bigger, like balanced bike to a regular sized bike. Mm-hmm. You're just moving up on a bigger bike. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So they've had the conversations, they've been taking on responsibilities. They've felt the burn of consequences mm-hmm. For their choices. And then you've had the conversation over and over Remember, your choices will decide your consequences. Sure. Or the benefits. And you've allowed them the possibility of failure all along so that hopefully they're learning from it. Uh, but even if they continue in their adulthood to make foolish decisions, you've done your mentoring job, you've laid Down the philosophy mm-hmm. For them that your choices have consequences. Sure. And so they have that in their minds, whatever choices they make. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah, and I love that analogy because you know, you're not putting a 2-year-old on a Harley.
Right? Right.
Christie:But you are allowing them to fall off the bike and get some bumps and bruises and maybe even a really bad cut. Yes. I mean, there may be some real, real things that come along the way that feel. Bigger than you would've liked for your kids to walk through.
Cheryl New:Right. But no one rides a bike or learns to skate without falling over. Exactly. Exactly. And we just buy into that lie that if we can curate our children's lives so carefully mm-hmm. They will never hurt, yet they will gain all this wisdom and be making all these great decisions. Well, that doesn't happen. Mm-hmm. It, it just won't happen without this natural progressive flow mm-hmm. Of the balance bike and incrementally get bigger and bigger bikes so that they're doing it on their own. And then hopefully they never get a Harley, but maybe
Christie:they can get a really nice mountain bike. Well, and they're making the choices on their own. That's exactly because of their own pain. Right? They're they're making informed choices. Yes, because wow, that hurt when I did that. I don't think I'll do that again. Rather than, well, my mom and dad always said that was gonna be bad if I did it, so, or. My mom and dad never let me do that. I'm doing it now that I have the opportunity. And I remember one time I actually
Cheryl New:did this well and I got the feedback that let me know I do it and I've shared it here before, but it was actually using p.e. and it had to do with video games and, and my younger son and that. I had parameters about what he could play with his friends or what he could do. First person shooter was the particular parameter. And then increasingly I finally said, okay, now you can make your decision. You decide what you wanna play. we won't have him morality in our home, but you can choose your games. And then he came back fairly soon to me and said, that was the most brilliant parenting you ever did. Mm-hmm. Because just what you were saying, instead of making the decision, because I'll get in trouble. Mom and dad have told me I can't, this is a bad thing. All of those legalistic rules mm-hmm. For making the decision. He had all the input of what we talked about, and then I released and empowered him to make his own decision. Mm. Mm-hmm. And whether he made the decision I would've made wasn't the point. But what he said is, I. Felt the weight of the decision. And he said, if you had done it the other way, I wouldn't have felt that weight. I would've gone Sure. Or I would've said, you just wait till I can get away from you. Mm-hmm. And I will play the games I want. So that actually was a little example of what we're really talking about. Here is walking alongside. Equipping. Mm-hmm. And then in stages, releasing them for their own decisions. Right?
Christie:Yeah. Yeah. I, I think of another example at our house. I remember cringing, seeing my upper teens start bringing home 20 ounce sodas and fast food bags in their bedrooms and, and just thinking, Ugh, my goodness. Or even before that, my picky eaters that would have like. One piece of chicken and a carrot stick on their plate. You know, that's all they wanted to eat. And then you know, just a few days ago, I'm having a conversation about gut health and fermented, you know, cabbage with my 20 somethings Yeah. Who are taking ownership of their own nutrition. And I'm like, these are the same kids that would only eat Chick-fil-A for years. Mm-hmm. So you know, giving that freedom in their late teen years that was so cringey for me, has eventually evolved into them making wise choices based on how they feel, not because it was dictated now. Sometimes though that doesn't pan out, but it did in this circumstance. But
Cheryl New:that's their choice. Yeah, exactly. It's not my responsibility. And you equip them with information so they could make their choice. And you said, I think a definitive word, ownership. Mm mm-hmm. And that's what we want from the tiniest little ones. Mm-hmm. All the way up to when, let's say 18, when they're adults. We want to over time give them ownership and agency with our guidance walking along. purposefully So that they take ownership of what they're doing and they're making their decisions, and then hopefully, They will take responsibility for their actions. Mm-hmm. Well, because you've been doing responsibility for your actions all the way through, rather than I'm curating this, or I'm not giving you any
Christie:guidance or boundaries at all. Right. And the ownership is actually the goal, not the, it is not the outcome of their choice. Exactly. Because if they. Choose X, Y, Z that you're not a fan of. We talk about that a lot here. They may choose against your value system, but the fact that they are owning their own life. Yes, and living as an independent adult is the goal.
Kyla:It certainly is. But I think what keeps the bridge open is what I've learned from you two on the podcast is how you respond. When they do make a mistake and have a natural consequence, not I told you so, you knew better, but I'm so sorry. That's hard. Mm-hmm. You know, being empathetic to much, a fair
Cheryl:consequence. Of course. Yeah.
Kyla:Yes, I get the philosophy. That's great information, but help me implement this. How does this look? The magic question? Yeah. Tell me how to do this. Wow.
Cheryl:Okay. We are out of time, so could you come back in another time? What about if we do like we do with other things that we walk through? Okay. This is what it might look like. Littles, middles, and bigs. That's good. Yeah. And our young adults. Mm-hmm. Sounds good. Mm-hmm. Oh, great. Okay. So listeners, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Cheryl New:Letting go isn't easy. It stretches us as much as it grows our kids, but each step of release helps them move more towards adulthood and helps us learn to trust the process. We'll talk more next time about what it looks like at different ages. In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you. Reach out on our website, on social media, or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. Remember, you aren't walking this road alone.
