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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Stop Rescuing; Start Releasing | Ep. 179
The urge to rescue is strong—but the real growth comes when our kids carry the weight of their own choices. In this episode, we get real about what that looks like in everyday parenting—the tension, the mess, and the surprising freedom it brings.
Last time we laid the groundwork for planned emancipation, the mindset that we're raising adults, not just kids. Today on the Parenting podcast, we're taking it further into the everyday mess of what this looks like. How do we give our kids real freedom without leaving them on their own? I am Cheryl Lang, and I'm glad you're here. As we wrestle with the unpredictable, important work of letting go. Christie and Kyla, here we are back in the recording studio. Hi. Hello. Hi. With our second installment on a conversation we started last time, and so to catch you up listeners, we begin talking about the idea of planned emancipation. As a philosophical framework for our parenting. Mm-hmm. And so what I'm gonna do is just kind of summarize it. a little bit How about that? Because we spent time last time on the philosophy of it and what it would look like. And then when we got to the end, Kyle said yes. So. Yeah. Um, how would we, am I doing that? Yes. Just tell me what to do, which is what we all want. Right? Uhhuh. So what we're talking about is a proactive parenting framework where,, we want to parent, With release in mind, um, that it's not rejection of our children. We're not abdicating our responsibility, we're not being detached. But what we're trying to do is continually have a guiding philosophy of big picture in which we're handing off. Agency and decision making over time to our children. Okay, hold on. Tell me, what do you mean by agency? I dunno what you're talking about. Agency is a great word. It is the independence of. Autonomy of taking care of their life that I am responsible for myself. Mm. Okay. Okay. So then Kila, what we're doing is saying, I want you to become responsible for your own life, increasingly over the years, all through childhood, so that when they're 18, ready or not. Mm-hmm. I have. tried to apply A philosophy and a practice that says you're responsible for your choices. your decisions have consequences. Mm-hmm. I'll walk alongside you you and help you. I equip you, and I of course talk about it with you'cause I care so much about you. But
Cheryl:I'm not gonna bail you out, And that as we go through the years, it looks different. Mm-hmm. That sounds great.
Christie:Yeah. I mean, I think what we. Our talking about really starts beginning around 11, 12, 13 or so. It's seriously, I mean, right In active practice. Practice, yeah. But before that, we still are. Giving vocabulary, training our kids to start thinking towards us, and maybe even training ourselves a little bit with the mindset that these kids are eventually going to be adults. Even. Gosh, I'm thinking, you know, my daughter and I were just talking about her little bitty three month old, starting to, when are we gonna transition from the bassinet to the crib? Yeah. I mean, it starts really early that we're planning. For some space and distance between us and our children, for their benefits!
Cheryl New:yes. because that's what we're trying to do is agency. We are trying to help them, the mature us. Mm-hmm. We want them to take agency and responsibility. In their own lives, increasingly mm-hmm. When they're adults ownership of their
Kyla:choices. Right?
Christie:Yes. And in those early years are were explaining and showing what cause and effect looks like. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That your choices do have consequences and sometimes those consequences don't feel good.
Cheryl:And see, and I remember the very first time I heard someone say. Uh, you have a choice. Do you wanna put your shoes on here or in the car? Mm-hmm. And I mean, like, it was a stop for me, and I thought, that is brilliant. I never had that wording before. Right. And that's what we're talking about even with a two, three, 4-year-old mm-hmm. That we are giving them legitimate choices because this doesn't work if it's fake. Right. Like you know. Do you want ice cream or broccoli for supper? Right. That's
Christie:okay. You have to be okay with both choices. Often both
Cheryl:choices. Yeah. But that we're actually empowering them. You have the right to choose, but I am giving you that. Right. Not they're having to rip it from me. Mm-hmm. And demanding that they have more rights. Mm-hmm. Actually we are being the agents. If you will, of their agency to make choices but along with that is your choices have consequences, right? And so we're willing to say, when you did this, this happened and this is gonna be the result. So that we are linking the dots of cause and effect all through their childhood.
Kyla:Man, Cheryl, I am remembering a couple years ago when I was at your house, we were visiting. And I got a phone call from my daughter that she forgot her lunch at home. Oh yeah. She was so hungry. Mom, can you rent it up to me? And I was just scrambling and I felt for her, I don't want her to be hungry. And I said, of course I can't. Let me check with your dad. Maybe he's around and I'll call you back. So I hang up the phone and you just said, Hmm. Kyla, are you sure you wanna make that decision? This could be a great teaching opportunity for a natural consequence for her. And the light bulb went on at that point.
Cheryl:Well, and see, it's not ha ha ha, you go without eating. Mm-hmm. But if you prepare them, they know what to do. You have equipped them to be able to be responsible for it. Now it. We're not talking about, oh, you're six years old. What are you gonna do for dinner, for lunch money? But you've prepared and equipped them and now what a wonderful thing. Oh, this is a place for you to
Cheryl New:demonstrate we love you. We're not gonna bail you out. Mm-hmm. You have to take agency and responsibility. Yeah. For this area in your life. Yeah. Well done. Yeah, I think that was a good
Kyla:decision. Well, thanks for your help. But you know what Christie was saying, it really starts getting heavier in the training to the releasing at 11, 12, 13. But how do I start, you know, what are some, some ways? Mm-hmm. You know.
Cheryl New:I like conversations. Mm-hmm. You know, for example, one of the things I've done as I began to learn things and improve on my parenting, which I always would hope to be able to do, to sit down and say, Hey, I wanna have a conversation about something. For example, let's say you decided to drop everything and run over there and you messed your day up. Mm-hmm. And you took responsibility for something you had given her responsibility for and see. I guess that's where I would start the conversation, You know, mm-hmm. That we start talking about responsibilities. Okay. So this is, I will take responsibility for this part, but this is an area where I'm gonna give you responsibility, for example, like lunches. Mm-hmm. Okay., I want you to be responsible to make your lunch. And to take your lunch. So let's talk about it. I'm here. I want to help you. Also, there's some Onboarding, I'm gonna give you a little bit of time because I haven't given you those responsibilities before.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:So let's talk about How can I equip you to succeed in this? What a radically different conversation that is from Mommy's gonna take care of this and go, take your lunch, take your lunch, take your lunch. But how can I walk along with you to enable you to be responsible in this area and to succeed in this area?
Kyla:And Christie mentioned last time a book by Dr. Ken Wilkis, feeding the Mouth That Bites You. Mm-hmm. That kind of possibly in coined the term intentional emancipation. But yeah, I did read the book and it was very good, but it gave me kind of a launching pad for where do I start giving them freedom so that our age appropriate. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So we can start this process in a safe place where the risk of failure is safer and yes. But, um. One of the first things he mentioned, which I kind of implemented in, in this order, was how they keep their bedrooms. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You decide how clean your bedroom is gonna be, but with boundaries like no food. Right. Christie was talking about that.
Cheryl:Okay. That would be one. Let's look at it. So littles. We would begin by teaching them how to put toys up. Mm-hmm. And that they're responsible. If you're gonna get the toy out, you have to put it up. Um, I saw a mom recently and I was in her home and she told her children, y'all need to clean all these things up. And they chose to go ahead and go to bed without doing it. And I saw her later with a bag putting all those toys in the bag and pulled it and set it up on the shelf. Oh, Uhhuh. And I go. Oh, this is wonderful. Mm-hmm. Because she's connecting the dots. Mm-hmm. That you have to be responsible or you pay consequences. And so I would say like that with, you start with the little ones and then you start teaching'em how to make a bed. We have to make the bed in the morning, so there has to be enough space in the morning for a child to do it at a child's pace and they have to have an adult, show them how to actually make it. It's, uh, some children are kind of spatially challenged, and so we begin doing it, reminding'em at first. Then not reminding. Mm-hmm. And then there's some kind of consequences involved or rewards, whatever. And then we did the same thing. And showed them how to clean their room And then we We required them up to a certain age.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And then that's where we quit taking responsibility for, it. but, they knew how to do it. So then about 15, we started saying, okay. And we talked about it. You can keep your room the way you want to unless we're having guests come in. Right. Right. And then as a family, we're gonna have our house ready for guests in hospitality. But our one rule was absolutely no food right. At any time in there. And you can keep it the way you want it's a little example of walking alongside, equipping them so they have the agency to know how to do it, and then they can make the decisions on their own of what they're gonna do. Mm-hmm. And then they take that into adulthood.
Christie:Yeah. I mean, I think them having the room and how they want it, it might have its own consequences to it. I remember lots of teen girls in my world not having clothes that they wanted to wear a certain event because it was at the bottom of a dirty clothes pile. Or not being able to find Yeah, school assignments because it was wedged under a chair in the corner. And, um, some of those things like you're mentioning, you know, the temptation to bail out for lunch.
Mm-hmm.
Christie:Some of those things are multip purposeful. Yeah. Because it's teaching. Oh, I need to be responsible for my space and my belongings, but also there's even greater consequences than I ever thought, not just not having a nice room when my friends come over,
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And then letting them see, wow, you're gonna give me more and more freedom. That's our desire. Yeah. Now what I won't tell them is I will not give you freedom for something. I won't let you take the full brunt of consequences. Hmm. You know, like for example, I'm 13 years old and I think I should be able to stay out all night at a party. Mm-hmm. No, right. I'm just saying, given the circumstances, am I going to allow them to have full brunt of these consequences?
Cheryl New:forgetting Your lunch. That's something I'll let you have the full brunt. Mm-hmm. But what you did is you earned equity with her for her to know in other areas, wow, if I'm not doing what's responsible, I may have to pay consequences. And so that's maturity where I weigh consequences, benefits. Effort. Mm-hmm. Time, values. That's what we want in an adult that they know to weigh all of that. And if we're bailing them out we're not mentoring them and equipping them
Kyla (2):well, and it, it definitely takes a mindset shift, like you mentioned the last episode, but. You know, it was just a couple weeks ago, we were at a volleyball tournament and you know, the game's about to start in 20 minutes. They're warming up and she runs up to me. Mom, I forgot my sports bra. I just have a regular bra. This is gonna be disastrous. Please, please, please. Can you run to the store? Go get me one. You'll make it back in time. Come on mom. And I just said, sorry girl. I. You know. Wow. Uh, that's really hard, but I'm not, you know,
Cheryl:responsible. See? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I mean, that's what it is. Yes. This is a whole responsibility Venn diagram.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Okay. That if you've trained them, you have equipped them. You've given them agency for their responsibility. We just have to be so careful not to bail them out. Mm. And then you can be the compassionate one. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's, oh, well,
Christie:yeah. What's your phrase
Cheryl:you use?
Christie:Um, well, I hate that for you. Yeah. I'm so sorry that's happening. Oh, that's gotta be really
Kyla:hard.
Cheryl:Yeah.
Kyla (2):It's funny because I, I was, I was letting her carry the full weight of her responsibility. Well done sitting on the bleachers, drinking my coffee with my friends, and lo and behold. Another volleyball mom runs in with a target bag. Oh. And said, no, she did not. I heard about her situation. I ran to Target. I ran and grabbed her size, and I came right back and I felt so weird just sitting in the bleachers with my coffee, relaxing where I didn't. Bail her out and some other mom did. Wow. Well, I think that this, I love this brings up a whole
Christie:nother big layer to this because the peer pressure for moms absolutely is real. Yes. We all wanna be the rescue hero mom, and we wanna be the well loved mom and the mom that, you know, all our kids are like, oh, my mom's so great. She does everything for me. That would've been really hard for you to sit there and be like, I had a reason behind my madness. There. Did you
Cheryl:feel pressure?
Kyla:Yes, I did. Well to like when the other mom brought
Cheryl:all of it. The whole thing? Yeah. The pressure of it. Because you can't sit there. Please can I have an hour to explain to you about planned emancipation? Right.
Cheryl New:And that I'm doing this very thoughtfully. we have these different areas of responsibility because it
Christie:feels and looks a little bit neglectful. It sure does. Yes. Like you don't care.
Kyla:Yeah, and I mean, it was loud. There was the gym, the game was starting. I, it really wasn't a situation where I could explain at all my reasoning. I just said, thanks.
Cheryl New:Okay. But I think this is full, mature, loving parenting. Mm-hmm. Remember this is a proactive philosophy. Mm-hmm. That. When you look at this go, this is the very best thing to equip someone to be an independent adult. Yeah. And we are doing this over time Working to release them. And there's a place for grace always. Right? But your decision was, I want to help her. Mm-hmm. Learn to be responsible. I can guarantee she's gonna have a sports bra in every sports bag from now, right? Yeah, Yeah. Okay. Then That means when she's 22 years old and when she's 30 years old. The issue won't be sports bras. Mm-hmm. But you have taught her by your actions, by your life, by your love. Oh, by the way, our choices have consequences. Mm. And irresponsibility has consequences. And I love you so much. I'm willing to take the burn. Yeah. Sitting around all those other moms, it was
Kyla:a burn. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Well done, Kyla. Oh goodness. Seriously. Because that would've been so hard not to cave into.
Kyla:Oh. Thank you for saying that. It felt like a burn.
Christie:Well, I know another area where I felt a lot of judgment and peer pressure. Not, not, I can't remember a specific time it was spoken to be me from other moms, but I definitely felt it was the media. My kids would, because consume like music movies. And I did use this as an opportunity to let my kids start being exposed to some more mature themes and some, you know, make their own choice when they really wanted to see a certain movie or really loved the certain artist they wanted to listen to. Mm-hmm. What those moms did not see that I felt like I wanted to defend myself. We're having conversations because of this philosophy. We're talking through all of these things that they're consuming. We're saying, Hey, tell me more about why you like this artist so much. Mm-hmm. What are you loving about this movie? What do you think about those characters? You know, why do you think they behaved that way? And so when you're having those conversations, you're helping them know, wow. Okay. What is it I love about this? Yeah. In, in adult life, rather than just saying, no, we do not watch that kind of movie. Mm-hmm. And then they have to navigate all that on their own.
Cheryl:see. I like the word navigate. Mm-hmm. Okay. That we're helping them learn how to navigate it. And I didn't do the music so well, and for one thing, I can't. Understand rap. Mm-hmm. Rap is like Russian to me, Uhhuh. And so I would have to say, you have to tell me, you have to show me the lyrics I can't. Understand rap. and some of they go, oh no, this one's way too crude. Uh, and so then we could have conversations right. About that. Um, also, one of the words I'm thinking when I'm listening to this, like just what you're talking about with the music, which like you say, we want to defend ourselves. Mm-hmm. Because we feel the pressure of our. Culture
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl:Of the other families around us. But also what you're doing is you're teaching discernment. Hmm. If you're gonna qualify anything to be a mature attribute, wisdom and discernment. Are high on that list.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Not do I listen to this artist or this artist. Right. But let's be discerning. Let's be wise about it. Let's think through it and do it for purpose. Like if you're gonna choose to wear that or you're gonna choose to do that. How about if we talk about it
Cheryl New:and then we may give you the choice of what you want to do. But let's look at the pros and cons. Let's look. The potential consequences if you're gonna go down this path, let's say even academically.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:They're going, mom, all my friends are in line and they want to go to these universities and so forth, and I don't want to.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Okay. Alright. We're gonna give you the freedom to be architecting your adulthood beforehand, but let's sit down. I like
Kyla:that. That's good. Architecting.
Cheryl:Let's sit down and talk about pros and cons. Mm-hmm. And consequences. And if you don't start now, all the,, scholarships are gonna be gobbled up by these, you know, early birds. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:But we want you to become the person you want to be.
Christie:Right.
Cheryl New:But you have to withstand that peer pressure. And then we have these conversations and then we. let Them make decisions with our input.
Kyla:Yeah. I'm just thinking how much your teen will feel safer coming to talk to you.
Cheryl:For sure.
Kyla:When you're talking through things instead of just the firm. No, all the time. I mean, I have different personalities. Some of mine are more compliant and then others would try to sneak because. You know, they wanna make their own decisions. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Christie:And I think it, it really is a matter of empowering our kids Yes. Mm-hmm. As they approach adulthood. Um, and, and transitioning from being managers of our kids to their consultant, or like, we use the word mentorship. Oh, that's good. And when we're focused on their hearts, their character, the person they're growing to be, rather than just controlling their outward behaviors. Mm-hmm. Because. We've talked about it before. You can see a kid that's well behaved and compliant, like you're saying, and their hearts are just despising everything about their parents. They're wanting to do the exact opposite. They're full of rebellion
Cheryl New:yes.
Cheryl:or they're getting their identity out of being the good kid. The good kid, like Kyla and I. Talked about getting the grades and being the good kid. Mm-hmm. You know, that's where we got our identity. Their motives are off
Cheryl New:yes.
Cheryl:and then I have to fight it all my adult life. Right? Yeah. That I'm getting my identity out of being the good kid and doing the right thing and getting everybody's peer approval.
Christie:Mm-hmm. And then they're the stressed out people pleasing 30-year-old that is overwhelmed with keeping everybody happy
Cheryl New:yes. it's infinite how to apply this. I guess I would say one of the big factors why not do all of this, is, Fear. I think fear would've kept me from embracing this or that. Oh no. If I give them freedom, they might Make bad choices. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's what we do in our adulthood. I sometimes make bad choices in my adulthood. Mm-hmm. But I as the parent have to lack the fear. Right. To love them. Like what you did sitting on that bleacher. way to go. Mm-hmm. Okay. You said no to all the peer pleasing fear inside of you because you had determined this is the best thing for my daughter.
Right.
Cheryl:And then like I say, I can guarantee you she'll be telling stories in her adulthood. Mm-hmm. I do this this way, right. Because of that. Sports bra when I was 14 years old.
Christie:Right. Well, yeah, the fear thing, I think it's just a huge part of this, and we just have to say like, they are going to fall, they're going to make the wrong choice. They're going to hurt. Yeah. And once we can get over that. And realize it and accept it. It makes all of this a lot easier to stomach. It doesn't make it easy to do, but it makes it have purpose
Cheryl New:yes. because the lie is good parenting in, and good kids out. Right? That's perfect. Curated parenting perfect. Whatever Somebody's gonna suddenly be a perfect human, and Jesus is the only perfect human right. Mm-hmm. We're having conversation about values, not just boundaries. What I would let. A 17-year-old do, I would not give that freedom to a 12-year-old. But we've had ongoing conversations, not just about what you do or don't do, but the values that you're showing and the reasons for why we do it. And then over time, they have to choose for their own values. Mm-hmm. So they're taking ownership. That's what we want. Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:I want to give you ownership. Not keep it. And
Christie:it's really about our pride. Oh, that we want to produce well behaved, productive people in the world for our own. Because if we believe that we have ownership over our kids, then we want them to make us feel good about the job we've done and show the world how well we've parented. Yes. But if we can shake that. Have the freedom to let them be the owners of their lives in due time, then they can walk in a way that's true to who they are. Yes. And not have to bear the weight and pressure of validating our ego. That's
Cheryl:right. To love them enough to let them be their own person. Mm-hmm. And you know, we, we have to wrap this up and we've gone so many different directions, but Kyle, to answer your questions, this pattern, this philosophy with various applications, I think this.
Cheryl New:Is a great Parenting Route to get at that independent person. Mm-hmm. That is, better equipped for adulthood because none of us are completely equipped. Mm-hmm. But that releasing process, I think this is the, I. Offboarding from me to you guiding them, walking with them. Mm-hmm. Personally, I just think this is a very good way to do it. Me too. How to do it. I'm not so sure it's
Christie:messy.
Cheryl:It is really messy. Mm-hmm.
Kyla:Christie, you've talked about pulling up on the yoke, but only before they crash. What do you mean by that?
Christie:Yeah, I, I just heard that from a mom who was saying, you know, we're talking about this type of philosophy. We didn't have language for it, but you know, we were talking about it and she said that she's learned to let them fall and go through the consequences of their choices up until the point they're about to fly the plane into the mountain, you know, right before the crash comes. Wow. Is when she reaches for the steering wheel pull up and, and bring them to flight. And, and that's just the, that's the role of the parent, right? Mm-hmm. All the way through is we, we're not gonna put our kids in. Way over their heads. We're not just chunking a toddler in the deep end. You know, there is a place for us to step in, but very often we step in way too soon.
Cheryl:Okay. And I like this analogy, if someone is learning how to be a pilot. The person that's doing the training who is fully equipped to be a pilot, is sitting in that co-piloting seat. Mm-hmm. And so, just like that, they may, earlier on, they're gonna have their own yolk that they will pull back more
Cheryl New:This is A really good analogy. And then eventually they're going to not touch it. Unless they're going in a tailspin into the mountain. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. And we're not saying a dire circumstance, but if I did this well, I would want to be like that where this parent, whoever was you're talking to, that I'm releasing them. Unless I really think I must step in to Protect them.
Christie:We have to make a judgment call on why we think this is for sure, the time to step in. Is it because it saves our, like I said, like our pride? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Or is it really a, serious situation
Cheryl:best for them,
Cheryl New:right?
Christie:Thank y'all so much. I appreciate it. Kyla, thank you for coming in again. Thanks for having me. Will you come back? Yes, I will. Oh, great. So parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Cheryl New:Letting go in parenting is messy, and yes, sometimes it stings, but our job isn't to control every outcome. It's to steadily hand them pieces of responsibility. Teaching them how to make choices and live with the results. We do it in the small everyday things, so they're learning long before the bigger decisions arrive. You can reach us on social media or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. I look forward to being with you next time.
