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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Apologies, Blue Crayons, and Building Bridges | Epi 180
What does forgiveness really look like in family life? This episode explores the everyday moments—from toddler squabbles to teenage standoffs—where repair matters more than being right. If you’ve ever wondered how to teach it, model it, or live it out yourself, this one’s for you.
Forgiveness sounds simple until you're the one needing to say. I am sorry. Today on the Parenting podcast, we're talking about forgiveness, not as a formula, but as a practice that holds families together. I'm Cheryl Lang and I'm joined by Christi to explore repair. Humility and connection can reshape the way we parent through conflict from preschoolers to grown children. This one matters for all of us. I wanted just to talk about something today, Christie, that we have dabbled in in the past. Mm-hmm. But I don't think we've ever actually done a whole episode on. Okay. And one of the reasons is because it's a little bit. Complicated, even though it sounds straightforward and that's forgiveness. Oh yeah. Okay. And I'm talking about adult to adult. Adult to child. Child to child. Okay., And. I just wanted to wade into the waters and kind of explore it a little bit and see how maybe we might apply it
Christie:in families. Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm, I'm thinking back. You're right, we haven't ever talked about this topic, but I think we touched on it at our only on air disagreement we had. Yeah, exactly. Um, so explain why. Well, looking back, I remember a conversation we had about Yeah, whether or not we require our children to say, I'm sorry to one another, and we had a, a. Difference of opinion on that?
Cheryl New:Yeah, we did, and even though we hashed it out, we stayed in our separate corners. Mm-hmm. And so here's, what the issue was, right? Because in human relationships. It's not like a court of law. So if someone goes before a judge, they're either guilty of robbing the bank or they're not. Mm-hmm. You know,. Uh, even though it's a messy judicial system, but you're looking for, a. Clear. you are guilty and you're not right. clean cut. And relationships just are much more nuanced it's more complicated than that. Right. And so our conversation was where we disagreed. Mm-hmm. Was y'all are saying no, you need to make'em say, I'm sorry. You're training them in the habit of going to the other person that you've offended, just like you would say, please and thank you. Right? And I said, well, that's a courtesy my struggle with it. And this is why I wanted to come back to it, because I've kind of. Uh, learn to articulate to myself how I think I would handle it better mm-hmm. Within the family. Okay. Because my struggle way when my children were still young, I first began with a say you're sorry. Mm-hmm. And we did that. And then I read one line in one book, uh, somewhere in my parenting and it said, when you do that, it's different from Thank you. Thank you. Is saying, I'm appreciating the courtesy. It's teaching politeness. but if I say. Tell them you're sorry. I am legislating to them that they have to say. The condition of my heart mm-hmm. Is that, I'm sorry, and I think that's a big deal. To be sorry about something means I realize what I've done. Sure. I regret it. I want to repent of it. I want to restore our relationship. It's, it's a whole bag I think Which is why we had this conversation. Right. And I'm uncomfortable with that saying, I am requiring that you declare what your heart is. Even though you're not there. Does
Christie:that make sense? Right. And, and I do agree with all of that. I, I think where I was coming from was that it's a starting point. That that conversation does have to evolve as they mature. And you're going to model, um, sorrow and seeking reconciliation, and you're gonna have those conversations as they grow. But there is, with a 2-year-old, you don't have a lot of Right. You know, there's not a lot of room to work with at that point. Kind
Cheryl New:Again, we want to be gentle and we're not saying this fits every situation. Mm-hmm. Okay. But we definitely are saying this is not, like you said, throwing out healthy boundaries. Mm-hmm. Yeah. This applies certainly within Mm-hmm. The nuclear family and child to child. Yeah. And to say there's a fracture in this. How can we kind of heal that and reconnect in a healthy way?
Christie:Well, and I love it because the family is the training ground Exactly. For relationships, every direction. Like you said, you've got. The, the parents as adults over the children. So there's that relationship of knowing Uhhuh as they move into adulthood. How do I interact now? I mean, yeah. Or peers, um, you know, between the siblings or how should an the parents, ask for forgiveness to a child. You know, the parents, we have to go to our children. So forgiveness really is that, that glue that keeps relationships intact. And like what you're saying, family life is is the place to learn that.
Cheryl:I really like that. I like that imagery of glue because if you think about it, when you go to use glue, there's so many different kinds because you don't wanna use super glue on everything. Right. You know, you have to be careful. You glue your fingers together. Yeah. So everything is, that's a good analogy. Be super glued together. So we do the right gluing that's appropriate. Mm-hmm. For the healthiness, that relationship. Does that make sense? Yeah. So what.
Christie:What does it look like? You know, when our, when we have kids at different ages how do we verbalize some of this stuff
Cheryl:kids? Okay. So I didn't know what to do with my kids, and we've already talked about how my struggle is. I realize, I don't want to say, tell them you're sorry. Mm-hmm. But then how do we deal with it? Didn't do it real well. I verbalized that I didn't know what to do with it, with some with my kids. Um, but I'll tell you first, I'm thankful because I began to grow into. it myself. One of the ways that I've grown myself as a parent, is being willing to apologize to my children, and instead of demeaning me, I am role modeling for them. The essential character that's there is humility
and that
Cheryl:I care more about our relationship than proving I'm right. Mm-hmm. Or Protecting my status or something. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. but also, um. I found relationships with teenagers to be much more challenging than kind of the clear cut relationship when my children were younger. Sure. And I found that teenagers don't always handle things and just an. Equal, calm way and a lot of times, there's a lot of explosive emotion to them. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And I remember one time, um, because I'd been working on this issue, trying to figure out what to do with it and one of my teens and I can role play it like a movie inside of my mind. Um. Had done something that was wrong and I was having to deal with it and correct and talk about it. And of course the conversation was going all kinds of different directions.. So we were moving all around and there was a lot of heated emotion to it. And then, um, they looked at me and just said. Mom, that really hurt my feelings when you said that. Mm. I was really thankful there was a freeze frame there for me. Mm-hmm. And I realized, yeah, but don't you see all of this you've been doing and how you've mishandled this and how you're speaking to me. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah. I would've been tempted to be like, well, the truth hurts, sister.
Cheryl:Yeah. Look at the way you've been acting. Right. Okay. That was. The immature me. Mm-hmm. And I was so thankful that I freeze framed for a second and I realized, okay, I have a choice here. Mm. It wasn't a ploy, it was genuine saying, that hurt me when you said that.
Yeah,
Cheryl:'Cause I probably had said like a snarky thing, so I had been snarky. Mm-hmm. And I'm just, so thankful because I froze for a second and then I looked genuinely at them, and said, I'm really sorry.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:You're right. I shouldn't have spoken that way to you.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:Could you forgive me?
Christie:Wow, Cheryl.
Cheryl:I know it's
Christie:so hard when you know you're justified in what you're
Cheryl:saying. Oh, I, I could have justified like 10 points on a paper. Mm-hmm. But you should have seen the look on their face and the tenderness that kind of surfaced, and I was amazed. And I thought, oh my goodness, this forgiveness thing has such healing power. Mm-hmm. Now I had to really actually say it, but I was amazed. Now that didn't mean, we didn't go back and talk about whatever the issue was. See, I don't remember the issue. Mm-hmm. But I remember this encounter, because it really impacted me so much. And so then I wanted to become. The type of parent, the kind of person who was quick to acknowledge. And so that's what I would say. You're going, what does it look like? Mm-hmm. I think a good apology acknowledges that I hurt the other person in some way.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:And then. As we can move to, how can we restore this? What can I do to make it right so like that all I did was say I'm sorry, but,. It was the healing power that was so evident in that situation.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:So like I said, I didn't do it well when all my children were little, but I am practicing this more with my grandchildren. Mm-hmm.
Um,
Cheryl:and let me give you an example I was with my grandchildren and they're young. And um, actually the youngest one, the 3-year-old had. Shoved his sister and grabbed whatever it was he wanted from her.
Okay.
Cheryl New:I happened to be the only adult there. And so, I had to calm the situation down and then I had him come over to me, and i asked, you wanna talk about it? And he shook his head no. And so I said, well, let's just sit for a little bit and see., Christie, it was sitting there for a minute waiting and I didn't condemn, I didn't do anything. I just said, let's just sit here for a minute. And then I saw he was softening a little bit'cause he knew he was wrong. Mm-hmm. He knew he had grabbed her blue crayon or whatever it was. Right. And shoved his sister. So I just kind of sat there for a little bit And then I said. You wanna talk about now? He nodded his head. Mm-hmm. And so I began to give him the words and I said, do you kind of feel bad inside about what you did? And nodded his head. Would you like me to help you talk to your sister? He nodded his head. Mm-hmm. How about if you say. It was unkind of me for grabbing the crayon mm-hmm. Okay. And I go, I'll, I'll be here with you. And he looked and he kind of said,, that wasn't kind. I shouldn't have grabbed the crayon. And then his sister just looked at him and I waited and she says, that's okay. Wow. So he didn't say the I'm sorry. right? It's just a little thing. But Christie, what I loved about that is. There was a rift in the relationship. Yeah. Over a blue crayon. Right.
Christie:Something tragic,
Cheryl:but like that I was able to take the time.
Yeah.
Cheryl:And let's sit in it a little bit and then come back and let's talk about it and then he chose to move into it, with my help.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl:I hope that that becomes the framework of the way they begin to do things. Yeah. Uh, patterning them in their family.
Christie:Right. I just love that, Cheryl. I'm thinking two things. I'm remembering something I heard you say 1 billion times while I was raising my kids. Is that good? Parenting takes time. That's true. And that's hard because yeah, we have a million things going on. Yeah. Any given day that we're trying to get through, but it's taking the time, which you have perspective now as a grandparent. Yeah. That it's challenging when you're in the throes of parenting to make time for those things, but so valuable. It gave him the margin to sit and and think through that. And then. The support you gave him to help him find language. Yeah. Where especially maybe especially boys. Yeah. I don't have boys, so I don't know, but I hear from a lot of my boy mom friends, is that the language piece is challenging. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so giving him language that he can then take to another circumstance later on. And then for his sister to have the opportunity to be gracious and forgive.
Cheryl:Oh,
Christie:it's just beautiful
Cheryl New:and, and so it's a blue crayon. Mm-hmm. But they have the rest of their lives to live. Right. And what I'm trying to encourage is that. If it's a value to you, then we want forgiveness to be woven into the fabric of what our family does. Mm-hmm. we want to be quick to reconcile and repair. Mm-hmm. That we don't see it like the courtroom of you are right and you are wrong. Right. And I will say. Christie a lot of our past when, that's why I didn't know what to do with it. When I was in active parenting, there was so much black and white.
Yeah,
Cheryl:you did the wrong thing. Now do the right thing instead of the nuance of. Our relationship is, is, is strained. Mm-hmm. Or broken. How can we kind of reconcile it?
Christie:You know, that reminds me of something I heard. Um, a, a marriage counselor say one time of Oh, really? In a marriage, and this would apply to every relationship. Um. It's the two spouses and then the relationship is the third entity. Oh, wow. And so you should both be doing what's best to care for that relationship. I love that. Third, love that entity of the relationship. And, and you know, our kids aren't gonna be able to understand that at all ages, but we can talk about that connection, that bond, or. We talk here a lot about the bridge. Yes. Which is really what that counselor was. Yes. Kind of saying the same thing. Um, but I just love that idea of caring for the relationship, especially with family relationships. Yes. Because we should be building on these to prepare them to last a lifetime and, and
Cheryl New:I was in an extended family relationship where not one single time that no one ever said, I'm sorry. Mm. Instead of staying angry or cold. You kind of moved on. Mm-hmm. And that said, I'm sorry. Mm. So you just moved moved on. I don't think we should do that. If we're talking about, like you say, the bridge mm-hmm. I would love for families to start having that in their vocabulary what we're talking about. You know? I feel like we're separate on the bridge. How about if we kinda walk to the middle?
Yeah.
Cheryl New:And start practicing it and that. As the adults, they see us saying I'm sorry. Right. You know, oh, I realized I snapped at you, or, mm-hmm. Um, and I've mentioned it before. One time I was, wonderfully. Correcting and directing my children about how they're supposed to apologize well. Sure. When I said, you need to do this, and, and then I'm sorry you were such a jerk that I did that. And then I'm getting No. Oh gosh, no. A good apology when you're trying to restore you don't give any if, or buts, you, you take, ownership of what. Rocks you put on the bridge against the other person. You can't explain it away. And then she looked at me and said, well that's what you do. Ouch. What? And then she pulled up the particular situation.'cause I was explaining. Why I yelled at them because we had to get somewhere to get grandma to the airport on time. Mm. So I was snappy at'em and I talked unkindly, and then in the car I apologized and said, oh, but kids, we have to get to grandma's and I'm sorry, but called was our an i'm. Yeah. And I didn't see that in myself. Mm-hmm.
And
Cheryl New:Oh, and then I had to own up to it., You're right.
Right. That
Cheryl:was a really crummy apology. Mm-hmm. Um, that wasn't a good way. Then I did the dangerous thing. Would you call me out on that kindly? Would you respectfully call me out on that if you see me doing that again?'cause that's not the kind of repairer I want to be.
Christie:That is a huge thing, Cheryl, to invite your kids in to call you out. Is
Cheryl:that a humility thing? Yeah, but I don't do it because I'm a humble person. I was Motivated Christie, because I cared about my children. Yeah. And I didn't want them to be the same adult that I was at that point. Mm-hmm. I wanted them to grow and be a better person. Than
Christie:I was. Right. And and there's a respectful way for them to call you out. Absolutely. When you're doing that, you're not saying the kids are just gonna boss everyone around now. Absolutely not. Um, yeah. When it feels like we say this all the time, the, you know, it's, it's caught rather than taught. Yep. And I'm thinking about conversations I've had with other people my age that I think it was maybe a. Raised in the eighties thing that I hear people say that their parents never fought in front of them. Yeah. So they were surprised when they entered marriage and Yeah. That they would have conflict and, and I think hearing that it's really good for our kids to see conflict Yes. Between their parents and then maybe even verbalize and help them see that their forgiveness is something active in their parents' marriage. Well.
Cheryl:And if we looked at it not as failure.
Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:But what an opportunity to grow.'cause we're all a mess. Right? Everybody's going to mess up. it's just like that one family kind of acted like other people didn't matter. Mm-hmm. You could walk all over them and no boundaries or in consideration, or actually treat them with such disrespect and lack of value and never, ever heal it. So everybody stays wounded. Mm-hmm. There's no bridge to come across. And I love what you're saying, um, that we say, oh, instead of, boy did I blow at this time. Wow. What an opportunity for me to grow and for our family to grow. And the wonderful thing is we can start small and we just be the first one. Bill's family weren't very active in saying, I'm sorry. And so we had an ongoing conversation and I remember seven years into our marriage. He came to me one day and said, you're right. It's important to actually say I'm sorry, and to verbalize reconciliation. I went,
yes.
Cheryl:You know, that was it. Yeah. It was a process. Mm-hmm. For him to come to that rather than being a legalistic thing that he's going to impose. I'm so sorry that I spoke to you that way instead. Um, we both grew through it.
Christie:That's really good. A process, you say. Yes. Layer upon layer. We're all learning and growing all along the way.
Cheryl New:I hope this was equipping to parents'cause it's kind of a messy conversation. Mm-hmm. Which kind of reflects messy, relationships, family life. Yes. Yes. Hopefully we can begin to step by step, release our grip on the offenses. Mm-hmm. And look at as an opportunity to heal. Within all the relationships, multi-directional of our family. Mm-hmm.
And
Cheryl:that our children, whatever time they're with us, or even if they're grown mm-hmm.
They
Cheryl:begin to see, oh, wow, mom or dad cares more about repairing our relationship Yeah. Than figuring out you know, who did what.
Christie:Right. And that just offers so much safety in the relationship. And grace. Yes. Hey, thanks so much.
Cheryl:Glad to be here. Good. Hey parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Cheryl New:Forgiveness is not about winning or losing. It's about repairing what has been strained. It's pausing before we defend ourselves. It's recognizing when our words came out sharp instead of soft. It's helping our kids find the words when they don't know how to make it right. Sometimes it starts by just sitting in the moment, creating margin. And moving towards the middle of the bridge. So maybe this week, ask yourself, what's one small step you can take to help heal? One moment where humility might matter more than being right. Let's be families who don't just move on. But move towards each other. And I just wanna remind you, you don't have to get it perfect, but you may just have to go first. I'm learning this right alongside you, and I'm so grateful we get to walk this parenting road together. If this brought something to mind or stirred something in your heart, I'd love to hear from you. At contact@theparentingpodcast.com or on social media. Looking forward to seeing you next time.
