Parenting on Empty; More Than Just Tired | Ep. 181

Summary You love your kids—but you’re running on fumes. In this episode, we explore the quiet, cumulative exhaustion that parents often carry—and what to do when trying harder isn’t helping.

Transcript

Cheryl New: 0:06

You can love your kids deeply and still feel completely worn thin. I've had seasons where I wasn't just a tired parent, to be honest. I was tired of parenting, and that's hard to say even to yourself. Today on the Parenting podcast, Christie and I are talking about that slow. Heavy kind of exhaustion. The kind that doesn't go away with sleep. Naming what's underneath it, the guilt that often tags along, and why you're not failing. If you're feeling that way, I'm she lang and I'm really glad you're here. Chris, you know, sometimes when you see a good cartoon or you just laugh out loud. Yes. Uhhuh.'cause it really reflects real life, so, right.

Christie: 1:08

Even if you're sitting in your car alone, you know?

Cheryl: 1:11

And so I saw one the other day, and actually it was a dog family. Mm-hmm. But it had. Uh, the parent dog stretched out on the sofa with paw across the forehead. Mm-hmm. You know, just kind of zoned out. And the parent dog said,

1:31

Ugh.

Cheryl: 1:31

I feel like I've been tired for four years and the puppy child was standing and said, oh, huh, I'm four years old. And, and then way down the parents said, weird,

Christie: 1:46

weird.

Cheryl New: 1:47

There might be a connection. I wonder if there's any connection'cause parenting can make you tired on levels you did not know before. That is true. And so actually this connects to a question that we've been sent and it's almost exactly this and. There wasn't the word guilt in there, but I felt guilt all over it in the question. Mm-hmm. And it was, how do I stay present when I'm just tired of parenting? Mm. That

Christie: 2:18

is so relatable, isn't it? So understandable.

Cheryl: 2:23

I wanted to tell this parent, oh, by the way, you're not the outlier, Uhhuh. This is a real issue. For committed, loving, intentional, engaged. Parents. Yeah.

Christie: 2:36

Yeah. I mean, to be honest, I feel like if I wrote a parenting memoir, this would be the theme. That question in itself would be the theme of my parenting. I, I remember that feeling very well, even, even honestly, just recently, like having teenagers, Uhhuh and young adults, you still have those times where the monotony of things can feel just draining and um being present feels overwhelming.

Cheryl New: 3:05

And there are a lot of issues that go into this and, you know, our audience is diverse and they have different situations. but you know, I just think about it all the time, the things that really. Aren't crucially important to life, like let's say like how to code in technology. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And with a computer, and they could get hired at the highest level with, uh, apple and do this fantastic, complicated thing. Sure. And it's not on the job training. They come into it trained. Right. But the things that really matter, like. Me and my life, Uhhuh and doing life as a person and trying to be healthy and grow and relationships and parenting, they're all on the job training! yeah, so true. True. Because what I was learning 20 years ago, I need to learn something new now. Right. well, remember, Have never been this age before. Uhhuh. I have never done this before. You know, I've never had grown children this age. I've never had, whatever our circumstances, yeah. It is ongoingly different and new. Especially in parenting all

Christie: 4:16

the time. Yeah. And unlike this hired position, you don't have a manager or over oversee that's telling you, this is what we forecast for the year. You know, this is what you can expect working in our place of employment.

Cheryl New: 4:28

Yes. And here are the 10 things we expect from you and how we expect It of you and then we'll give you weekends and vacation time

Christie: 4:39

off.

Cheryl: 4:39

Right. And bonuses.

Christie: 4:40

Right. You know, it's been interesting watching my young adult kids and their, their friends they grew up with seeing their different circumstances evolve as they're coming into their twenties Uhhuh and I knew these people. When they were 4, 5, 6, 7. Yeah. And I'm like, I never saw that coming. You know, whichever path life takes them on. Yeah. And it's true for us when we're parenting. Yes. We, we aren't parenting in a vacuum. No. Ever. We are living real life. We're having real hardships. We're having real high points. You know, there, there's all kinds of things in life. In the midst of this, on the job training position we find ourselves in.

Cheryl New: 5:18

Okay. So what are some of the issues you think that contribute to this? Because they're tired. Mm-hmm. And I think we're talking about on a number of levels. Yeah. I don't think they just need a nap. Right. I think I'm just tired of parenting and I can't like quit. Yeah.

Christie: 5:35

right.

Cheryl: 5:37

You know, because one of the things is like we're talking about, it's ongoing and changing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think the fatigue is cumulative.

5:44

Mm. Because

Cheryl: 5:46

part of the problem is, okay, I've got this toddler thing down now. Okay, this is good. Mm-hmm. And then they move on to the next stage. Right. Or, okay. Oh, I've got my first baby. I understand how to do one baby. And then if you have more children, you're just continually going on to new stages and different things, and you. It's hard because it's, all the things of life and everybody and it accumulates. Yes. And

Christie: 6:14

that's part of the problem, right? Yeah. And we, we come into parenting with, you know, some of us 20, some of us 40 years behind us. So you come into parenting as a human that's walked a lot of life already. Yeah. So whatever circumstances you've walked through and it been, it. Been equipped well or not so well. Yeah. For this stage of life, it, it's going to affect you. So that's cumulative, like you said, child to child, it's gonna be cumulative. You're dealing with, you know, job changes or stresses at work or family dynamics and extended all of those things accumulate. Yes. And so it's not just the parenting part of it and. You know, if you have a, a child with special needs and oh, or just any different circumstances are all, it feels almost unfair,

Cheryl: 7:07

you have to carry the weight. Yes. And you said the word while ago. And before I was ever a parent, I wouldn't have said it, but the monotony of it. Mm-hmm. That we're still doing three meals a day. Right. Seven days a week. And we're still doing, and I still have to engage and I still, all that, the relational grind mm-hmm. Plus everything else that's going on in life. Right. I mean, we can't, we're just talking about. Parenting. Mm-hmm. And again, it's not done in a vacuum, but just the ongoingness of it. Mm-hmm. And, and then see even. Like I said while ago, you're not expecting such changes when it happens. Like, I was really shocked because I thought 13, 14, 15, yes. Finally we can have this maturing thing going on, and you know, we've done a lot of training. Mm-hmm. So they know how to do stuff and now we can just kind of enjoy each other and work. Together and this Right. Nice little thing as they go into adulthood. And I was shocked because it was such turmoil. Emotionally. Yes.

Cheryl New: 8:18

when they are little, you're tired because you have to tie the shoe laces and you have to change diapers, it's kind of physical stuff. Mm-hmm. And then the emotional. Turmoil and chaos

Christie: 8:29

wiped me out. Yes. The decision fatigue of do I let them go to this party? Right. Do we allow her to join this sports team? You know, every single thing is, feels like a big decision the older they get. And then I have friends who have kids in both age groups, you know, a small one and or lots of kids in between. And so then there's an extra. Um, weight to carry when you've got multiple plates spinning.

Cheryl New: 8:58

And then if you listen to something like the Parenting Podcast and they're saying, remember, keep that relational bridge open. And in all of this. It's the engagement. Right. And I think one of the consequences of, uh, default sometime is just disengaging. Mm mm-hmm. And going, I can't do this, so I will just disengage and put up, you know, a, a front. Of a placard and just hide behind it. Just

Christie: 9:28

get through the day survival mode. Do what you have to do to get by. Mm-hmm. And then, you know, you mentioned before the tone of guilt that you were hearing in this question. That's, that's what I remember feeling is. I love my kids. Absolutely. I want enjoy them. I want us to laugh and play together and not just fix another meal and change another diaper and read another book just with this, you know, stone, cold face on the front. Yeah. Um, I, I really identify with this whole thing. I remember, you know, I, I was a young parent. I was 19 when I had my oldest and, and I had'em quick. I had a slew of'em, and I remember just interruptions would get the best of me. Oh my gosh. And I really dealt with feeling angry when another need came up. Yep. And another kid needed something this direction, but it was, you know, in contradiction to what the other kid needed. Yeah. And feeling torn. And I was snapping a lot. And I remember, I, I don't remember how I came up with the idea, but I, I thought instead of turning and snapping and saying, what, you know, what do you need? Yeah. I would respond with a smile was my plan and it was a good plan. I would, you know, instantly when they, Christie always

Cheryl: 10:42

has a plan, right? It's a good plan, right?

Christie: 10:44

And so they would, you know, say Mommy and I would just turn and, and have a smile on my face. And it was funny because my daughter,. she's in a position where, you know, she has a lot of people coming to her for things, um, in, in a role she plays. And she said, I was thinking of you the other day, mom, because when people would come instead of getting snappy and when I was interrupted on on something, I would smile really big and say, Hey, what's up? How can I help you with? And she said, I was laughing'cause I remember watching you with me and my sisters respond that way. I realize now what, what internal frustration you may have been feeling behind that smile. Wow. And you know, it was a little bit of a fake it till you make it kind of thing. And I, I, now looking back, wish I probably would've, um, worked a little more quickly on my heart behind it. But it was an attempt, it was an attempt in the right direction to diffuse some of that anger response. And it,

Cheryl: 11:38

it, it's a, you're disengaging and you're trying, you don't know what else to do. But that's what I want us to address is Yeah. We have to have some coping mechanisms. Yeah. But we don't want to live in that. That's the thing. Right. You know, and remember, it's not failure, it's a stage. Mm-hmm. And then that's Oh, that's good. I was to deal in this. Mm-hmm. Okay. So what's going on? Right. There's a lot of grief in parenting and I, I don't know if I've ever heard anybody really address it, and I'm not talking about like from my family losing bill clearly. Mm-hmm. Grief, just we were painted whatever color grief is, we were painted that way. Mm-hmm. But I think there's a lot of grief, for example. I now recognize it, like what I was talking about with what I expected from my teens. Yes. And what I got there was grief in that for me going, oh, I thought we could have like a real relationship.

Christie: 12:32

Right.

Cheryl: 12:33

I didn't know I had to keep really parenting and I couldn't really say what I thought. I had to still be so cautious with my words. Mm-hmm. And I had to. Dance are real delicate, tight rope because they weren't mature enough. Right. And I, I, I just expected, because they could do things, they could clean the rooms, they could keep a job, they could, they could do all these things. They could go and lead a group and they knew all of these things.

Cheryl New: 13:02

And then What I got Was immaturity. Right.

Christie: 13:05

Well, I think for me, the biggest grief is that word you said expectation. Oh. And that's where that anger was coming from, was I had an expectation of myself that I thought, I thought I should be handling it better. I thought I shouldn't feel frustrated when I'm interrupted. I should, should, should, should. Yes. All the shoulds and that grief was. Grieving the expectation of myself, absolutely. That I wasn't the perfect parent, that I couldn't handle this perfectly.

Cheryl: 13:33

There we go. Mm-hmm. That illusion of the perfect parent. Right. And see. I wasn't mature enough to deal with my

Cheryl New: 13:41

children's immaturity, and so I was having an expectation response instead of dealing with it. You know, as we're thinking about this one, the things. That I think is important also, when we're analyzing what's going on here because we're a little bit talking about burnout.

Christie: 13:59

Yeah.

Cheryl New: 14:00

How would you discern. Is it just regular burnout or in a crisis? Mm-hmm. I identify with this Because been in a crisis,, but I've also been in burnout. How important it is to take the time to evaluate? It's really important because what you do to fix it matters on what is causing it. Mm-hmm. about the analog, for example,

14:26

Let's

Cheryl: 14:27

say someone feels really awful and they're tired all the time and they don't have energy and they can't do what they used to be able to do, and they find themselves. Sitting a lot or maybe taking naps. And so we're going, so what is the root cause? Well, let's say the root cause is they have really poor nutrition. They're not getting enough sleep, they're not getting any exercise, they're not doing the right things to help their body function the way it's supposed to. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, the answer to that would be start doing all those things right. But if you had those same symptoms and you were eating well, and you were doing those things, then you turn to a medical profession and they go, oh, by the way, you have severe asthma, or you have some chronic disease or something. Yeah. So then they're gonna do some intervention that will help that. And I, I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah. But that being able to, to evaluate. Am I in a crisis here, right. Or am I just burning out?

Christie: 15:28

Right. Yeah. And I, I think you're right. It does affect how you address the issue. I, I have, and I know you have experienced both. Yes. Where it's just run of the mill burnout of like we're saying the monotony of parenting and um, maybe there's some internal emotional needs of your own that you're dealing with, but overall it's just. It's a hard job. Yeah. But then there's times where crisis has hit your family. Yeah. Or rocked your world in some capacity, and parenting feels like the last thing you're able to manage to get through.

Cheryl: 16:02

And so I would say somebody, if you're in crisis. Reach out. Mm-hmm. I mean, if you're in burnout, you need help. Right. But it's just like the medical thing. If there's a crisis going on, whatever it is. Right. That you need to reach out to friends, to community, to experts, and get help. Yes. Quit trying to be super. Man or woman. And do it all on your own,

Christie: 16:25

right? Yeah. Ask for practical help. Yeah. And then get yourself some emotional support while you're walking through this trial. Absolutely.

Cheryl New: 16:33

Okay. So if we've discerned this is burnout. Mm-hmm. What are some things that we'd suggest that people try? What different solutions? for example, i'm a higher energy person mm-hmm. Than like you are. Right? Okay. So it's gonna look different for us, but when I was coping with either of these issues, to realize my presence doesn't have to be high energy. Mm.

16:55

Mm-hmm. I don't

Cheryl New: 16:56

have to come with the same energy and pep that I did when things were healthier or better or more normal. Right. And I don't have to always be on with my children. Mm mm-hmm. And see, and I felt a guilt with that, that in single widowhood parenting, I couldn't be on like before, but my children benefited just from my presence,

Christie: 17:17

right?

Cheryl: 17:18

And that I had to lower and save my energy Some, I had to do some other things so that I could just be present. But I didn't have to carry the guilt of saying I can't do what I used to be able to do.

Christie: 17:32

Yeah. Yeah. I think lowering the expectations, being realistic mm-hmm. Are good things. And then I think I look back and, you know, for. Over about half of my kids' childhood. I, I single parented about half the year. Yeah, my husband traveled a lot and I remember those weeks. There were some times where I said, you know, oven pizzas is what we're doing this week. Or, um, I would plan a lot of play dates with people because the kids could entertain each other, and that gave me some time to have support and encouragement from another mom friend, and it gave a little bit of. Um, fun for them that wasn't requiring anything of me. So looking for, uh, or like a, a movie night or audio book. Yep. Things like that that are real fun for your kids. Yes. They're, they think it's awesome and they don't realize you're doing it out of survival and desperation or

Cheryl: 18:23

for recuperating. Mm-hmm. I need some space. I can't keep doing it, but I'm here. Yeah. You know, and one of phrases I heard was small deposits matter. Mm. So again, mm-hmm. This phantom parenting, right. That we're supposed to have it all together all the time and do everything and the meals are perfectly balanced in their own and everything, but small deposits that I, I'm giving myself genuinely and for real, but I don't have to be on. All the time. Yeah.

Cheryl New: 18:57

And then walk in guilt in that. Mm-hmm. Or like what you were describing, some of these coping mechanisms, those are appropriate interspersed. Mm-hmm. but over the long haul, that's not what we want our life to be. We don't want it to be, the coping mechanisms Sure. Aren't what we want, but it's a very healthy thing. Yeah. To bring them in when they're needed.

Christie: 19:17

Yeah. Yeah. And I, I think, you know, we have this tendency to want to perform. For our children Yes. And give them the best life ever that we dreamed up for them to have. And when we realize we're human and we can't do that, it's, it's disappointing, but. Being honest with our kids. Absolutely. About seasons like this is one of the best gifts you can give them. Because guess what? They're gonna have a day where they feel burnout. Yes. Or even as kids. Yeah. Kids need rest. We used to have rest or read time. Yeah. And it was. You know, everyone on their beds and we just have 30 minutes of resting and reading. It was just as much for me as it was for them, but they appreciated it. On the other side of it, they were like, oh yeah, that felt good because kids, you know, and, and I would even talk to my kids about that. I remember just being honest with them and honestly because they, there was no hiding how exhausted I was. So they knew whether I liked it or not, but just telling them, you know, being a mom is, is like a job. And what are your jobs? Well, playing and learning in school and being nice to my sisters. You know, those kinds of things. Okay. What if you never got a break from that? That would be a hard thing. Right, right. So we need to take breaks and just verbalizing those things to your kids, make you more human to them.

Cheryl: 20:35

Absolutely. A lot of what happens in this. Is we're trying to present something like we are curating this Instagram post of our lives Yeah. To our children instead of being genuine. And I love what you're saying. I'm tired. Mm-hmm. You know,, I need a break. I can't. Right. And sometimes, like, I would say, I really hear what you're saying. I just don't have the energy. I care so much. I want to hear what you're saying. I just don't have anything left. Let's talk about it tomorrow? Mm-hmm. And, and I mean that's when I was being the mature right thing. Right? I need to take care of myself and what you just said, we. Role modeling to our children their whole lives of what it looks like to be an adult.

Christie: 21:23

Yeah.

Cheryl: 21:23

And so for us to go and what you do is you curate this perfect life. Mm-hmm. And you're always an influencer on the Instagram reel of our life together. That's not mature, healthy parenting. Right. And so I want to be real and I need to do it. And like we said, get the help I need. One of the things I would do is. Kids, I'll be back in a little bit this is when I didn't have babies and I would just go walk and anybody that knows me knows I love nature and I would go and I intentionally didn't go. Do something. I just went and I have a place near me that has trees and grass and not many people there, and I would just go and sit. Mm-hmm.

22:08

And

Cheryl: 22:08

I'd look at the clouds and I'd talk to the Lord, but mostly I would just go, I just. Need to be revitalized a little bit.

22:18

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl: 22:19

And then the healthier me. I wouldn't come back and go, now here we're gonna do this and we're going to, I would come back and I would be present because it's consistency that matters. And I wanted to say kids, consistency all the long term is how we do life. That's, that is successful life, not curating a perfect thing. And to have them. Watch that, that's such great parenting. Yeah. And to do it without the guilt, right?

Christie: 22:50

Yeah. I mean, I was hearing someone talk the other day about how they, they never saw their parents fight.

Cheryl: 22:58

Wow. And so in their

Christie: 22:59

own marriage, when they, when they were married and they. You know, started having disagreements with their spouse. They thought their marriage was in real trouble. Oh. Because they had never seen a healthy argument in their home growing up. And I think it's very similar to that. Yeah. If we are not giving our kids an example as they're growing up of what it means to care for our minds and our bodies and rest and, um, take that time away so that we can be. Better for it on the other side. Then our kids are going to fall into that same performance trap when they're adults or even as kids and put a lot of pressure on themselves.

Cheryl: 23:36

Or they say, what is wrong with me? Right. My mother never struggled. Yes. Yeah.

Christie: 23:42

At all.

Cheryl New: 23:43

She never struggled because we never communicated it. Mm-hmm. So how am I equipping them for adulthood? you know, in life, this is how you handle when you're struggling, right? This is how you handle when you're exhausted or tired, or have no more to give. Mm-hmm. And I think about that couple. I go, wow.'cause I'm a harmony person. But the problem is they're not teaching. This is how we do conflict resolution. Right. This is how you. Deal with someone that you love and you stay in a relationship and here's how you disagree. Well, this is how you apologize. Well, this is how you reconcile. And so that's in conflict, but it has to do with the rest of life, you know, Hey kids, um, we're gonna have frozen pizza again tonight because. That's a quick cleanup. Uh, and I just need that tonight. And this is how we take care of ourselves as we go through this adventure of life. That's right. Again, we're out of time, but Christie, you know, I wish I'd listened to this episode. A long time ago. Oh, I know. You know, because I love this. Being genuine. Mm-hmm. Even in our failures before our kids. I think that's really great and then that I don't have to do it all. It's okay to reach out. It's appropriate. We're human. Yeah. only God. Is infinite in power and never gets tired. He never has to take a nap.. And I don't want to act like out for my children. Mm-hmm. You know, I want to be genuine and then say. You know, this is how I fight through my struggles.

Christie: 25:21

Right. That's great.

Cheryl New: 25:23

Hey, thanks much.

Christie: 25:24

Yeah.

Cheryl: 25:25

Hey, parents, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.

Cheryl New: 25:32

If you're feeling that steady, kind of tired. The kind that doesn't lift. Even when things seem fine, you're not alone. Like I said, I've felt it too. It's not always loud or dramatic, and sometimes it just builds until your energy, your joy, your patience, wear a thin, what we talked about today matters because the answer isn't pushing through harder. It's pausing long enough to notice what's underneath. Maybe it's guilt, maybe grief. Maybe it's time to stop expecting yourself to carry more than you were meant to. So here's something to try this week. Name what you're carrying, not with judgment, but with honesty, and share it with somebody safe. And if something in this episode stayed with you, we'd love to hear from you. You can email me at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us on social media. I'm so glad we get to share this part of the journey together, and I'll see you next time.