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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
From Toddlers to Teens: How Boundaries Shape Families | Ep. 183
Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about care. In this episode of The Parenting Podcast, Cheryl and Christie share their real-life struggles and growth with boundaries, exploring what it looks like to practice them with kids of all ages. From toddlers learning to treat toys with value, to teens learning responsibility and respect, boundaries help families show value, protect relationships, and cultivate freedom.
Boundaries are one of the hardest things for me as a parent and honestly as a person for so many years. I confused them with walls. Or I thought they were about rules, but boundaries are really about freedom and love. They're the invisible lines that help us know what's ours to carry and what's not. And they shape how we live in relationship Today. On the Parenting podcast, christie and I are talking about how boundaries look in real life with our kids from the littles all the way through the teen years. We'll share some of our own struggles and victories. And we'll explore how setting boundaries actually makes room for love to grow. You know, Christie, we have been preparing to do this series on boundaries with kids for a long time. Yeah. And we read the book, we've been talking about it, waiting for the opportunity to do it and, mm-hmm. I just keep thinking about'em and my struggle with them. I just keep realizing. Pretty much a C minus or a D that I got in boundaries for most of my life. Mm-hmm. What about you?
Christie:Yeah, same. I mean, every time we talk about it, I'm like, oh yeah, I can think of a million ways this would've helped had I applied it when my kids were young. Um, but yeah, I mean, hindsight's 2020, right?
Cheryl New:Well, not even when children are young. I mean, I have struggled with them all my life. Mm-hmm. We are quoting Dr. Townsend and Cloud and using their material about boundaries and like summing it up that healthy boundaries make healthy relationships.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:And that this is me. This is not me. Right. And I can't take responsibility for what's your responsibility and vice versa. You know, early on when I was struggling with it, not knowing it, I just thought boundaries were more like physical boundaries.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:But the big boundaries are emotional boundaries, responsibility, boundaries. Mm-hmm., All of that sort of stuff. Yeah. I can't take yours on, and I'm not supposed to push mine into
Christie (2):you. Right. Well, and I, I think what my tendency has been. Obviously outside of the relationships with my chil children, but in other relationships is. I'm either in relationship or there's a wall there, you know, and so that's what I'm learning in recent years is that boundaries help relationships survive and thrive! Yes. They help you from needing to just put a wall up and say, this person needs to be outside of my everyday life. Right, right. Yeah.
Cherylnew:Or enmeshed. Mm-hmm. In an unhealthy overdependent Right. Relationship, like codependency situation. Yeah, yeah. All of that. That's why I love boundaries.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Yeah. For me, I am, if y'all know anything about Enneagram and Myers Briggs, I'm an e SF J two.
o:Mm-hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:So we are the do good person. We're kind of the mother of the world, and we worry about how everybody else is. getting along. And so anyone who knew about boundaries go, oh, this is a setup for not having very good boundaries. I mean, for example, in school when we have to give book reports or whatever it is and everybody in the class has to do it, and the teacher would say, okay, somebody has to volunteer, and I'll hear crickets, and then the pressure starts mounting, and she would say, okay. Everybody loses a letter grade if someone doesn't volunteer.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:So it would've been appropriate if I didn't wanna lose the other grade. Volunteer. Okay. But I did it because I took responsibility for everybody. Wow. I was feeling the weight of all my little classmates. Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. So, of course I volunteered and stepped up there and did it, you know,'cause all everybody had to do is just out wait me. Uh, you know, so my problem was not too many walls right, until it got really messy uhhuh, but not too many walls. You know, like recently I'm just so proud because I'm more aware of it. Actually, somebody was asking me to do something and I knew what their reaction would be. I knew that would get pushed back. I knew they would be critical of me. They would, uh, really push back emotionally on
o:me. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And I actually thought, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not gonna step in. And do what I, I'm not supposed to do. Wow. And Christie, I said, no, that's tough. I'm proud. Good job. Yay. So I kind of move up from a dee to maybe a middle C Yeah. Right on that.
Christie:Yeah. My motivation, or, yeah. Motivator is a little different. I think maybe a little similar to what you were saying with the classroom setting. I am, uh. Enneagram seven Wing six, which means I'm here for a good time and I'm fiercely loyal to those I love. And so I typically, I wanna make people happy just because I don't want things to be hard, uhhuh and uncomfortable, and I'm loyal to the people closest to me and yeah. And so that it often puts me in a position where I take on without considering what my capacity is. Yeah. So I'll say yes and then sort it out later. And so those are the things I have to be careful of. So it, it's interesting how we all have our different reasonings for, um, struggling with boundaries Well,
Cherylnew:And being a relative newbie. Mm-hmm. To actually having boundaries in my life. I just wanna give a testimony of the freedom that I have. Mm.
o:Because
Cherylnew:what you're talking about in all of those, when I didn't have boundaries, it stirred up a lot of time, A lot of resentment. Yeah. Inside of me to the other person.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Uh, and then when I didn't feel quid pro quo that they did back uhhuh, then I was really resentful, Uhhuh, or. You know, inside devalued myself. Mm. Oh, I mean, it was not a healthy thing. Mm-hmm. And I'm not talking about little things. I'm not talking about major life. Uh, circumstances or anything, but that's the healthiness of boundaries. Mm-hmm. That I do the healthy thing for the right reasons.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Rather than either give in or like you do, you were saying just build walls
Christie:Right.
Cherylnew:And not have a relationship. Right.
Christie:And then. You know, it produces joy in your relationships. Yeah. Because you're doing things out of a place of, um, generosity or freedom. Uhhuh,
Cherylnew:just, there's a lot of freedom. Okay. So what I thought, uh, besides sharing how we're struggling with boundaries, how about today?,'Cause we kind of talked about what they were last week mm-hmm. And what they weren't like it's not just rules and don't do this, don't do that, do this. But it's more of this um, invisible relational line. Mm. Of what I'm responsible for, what I need to take ownership for, emotionally, mentally, uh, financially, and then what everybody else is supposed to. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. So how about if we kind of give some more examples of what it would look like, because we are talking kind of generally Maybe we could go like we do on other things, like what it might look like in the littles. Mm-hmm. What it might look in the middles, and then even with teens. Sure. Because it is something that we develop in. You know, we always wanna say it would be great if all of us had this fully functioning in our lives before we had children, or that we began working on boundaries with kids when they're small. But the wonderful thing is, here I am decades, way past, mm-hmm. Uh, having small children and I have
Cheryl New:begun to Be healthier by putting boundaries into place. So it's the wonderful things we can jump in at any point and start going towards health.
Christie:That's so good. Yeah, I love that approach of talking about the different age groups, uhhuh, how boundaries fit in,
Cherylnew:So Christie, it's such a big topic, which is why Dr. Townsend and Clouds have spent the last 40 years working on it. But like we said, it's a multitude of things, but Within this concept, physical boundaries is we're respecting other people's space.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:And then emotional boundaries that we will acknowledge emotions, but we don't have the right to express them in ways that are harmful or hurtful to other people. Of, it doesn't show value to the people in our circle.
Christie:Mm mm-hmm. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, that's really good.
Cherylnew:Okay, so how about if we start with Littles? Let me give you some examples.'cause people say, what do you mean? When I thought about boundaries with littles, I thought, you know, you can't go out the front door, you can't go up the stairs. But, um. We're, again, we're talking about these kind of relational boundaries. Mm-hmm. To respect those. Okay. So let me give you a few examples here. Mm-hmm. About what it might look like with littles. Uh, for example, saying to them, uh, you can play with your blocks before you throw them, we're going to put'em up. Okay. Uh. Yes. Yeah, I hear you. But I'm not gonna listen to you until your voice is calm. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No, that's really good because I, what I hear in all of those is you're not. Removing the freedoms, you're still putting value on your children, but you're explaining where the boundary lines lie of how your desires fit into living in community with other people and
Cheryl New:our relat Exactly. That you really, that's a good word. It's community. Here's how you as a 3-year-old are gonna operate in our community. Mm-hmm. You can play with your toy all you want. Right. But if you throw it, no, that's not treating others with value Yeah. Not gonna do that. Or if you start shredding the crayons, then we're gonna put the crayons up that all of these are the beginning, laying the groundwork. Mm-hmm. Not, don't do the bad things. Right. But you're not treating it with value. We're gonna treat things with value. We're certainly gonna treat people with value.
Christie:Right. And you know, I think a lot of young moms, myself included, every time you tell your child no, you feel bad. That's exactly, you know, you want to give your children everything. And what I hear in these statements is you valuing your child so much, but also helping them learn to value others.
Cherylnew:You're right because. As a young mom to say, no, you can't talk that way. You have to talk in a kind voice. Two things. You're probably in for a long dealing with it because of the immaturity of your child. Right. And also, like you say, it seems really mean. Mm-hmm. Why can't my child talk to me the way they want to? They're a person too. Uhhuh. I mean, just all of that. How selfish. I used to think, oh, it's so selfish of me to not want my children to do that. Right. But it's. Not healthy boundaries. I'm not laying the groundwork for what I want them to be doing all their life, right? to Treat others with value, and I need to be treating them with value. For example. I can't grab that. Block out of their hand say, no ma'am, you're not gonna do that.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:That's not treating with value. Mm-hmm. I have to do it kindly treating them with value because they deserve the respect for me not to invade their space unless it's dangerous to grab something out of their hand. Right. Does that make
Christie:sense? Yeah, it does. And to let the behaviors go on and not to intervene isn't kind to our children either. Sure. Because then what happens when they're, you know, 5, 6, 7 years old throwing the block or Right. You know, like the old analogy of, you know, if a police officer let you speed past him five, six times and then on, on time number seven, he pulls you over and gives you a$300 ticket. Like, what? What's up? I just, you know, every time I drove by I thought it was fine. I thought you were cool and then you're gonna come in and, you know, change the game.
Cherylnew:Yeah. It feels violating.
Christie:Yes.
Cheryl New:Well, and the issue of the younger one demanding something from the older one in a way that's demanding. Mm-hmm. Not asking or grabbing it out of their hand. And then the parent saying, no, you need to give Bobby he's little. Mm-hmm. You need to give it away. Well, that shows very disrespect to the boundary of the right to personal space. And the older child had the toy right. It's just easier because a three year old's gonna melt down and scream and then you have to deal with that.
Christie:Yeah, exactly. I mean, there's definitely age appropriateness to take into consideration, but, you have to think about the long run?
Cherylnew:Yeah. Well,, it's not building a family where we're gonna show value to the other people. Right. And, uh, it's complicated and messy, but. It's healthy.
Christie:Yeah. It's really healthy. Well, and as they get older, things are still complicated and messy.
Cherylnew:Yeah. Let's look at the middles. Um, for example, we might want to have boundaries, saying, uh, things like this. Your homework is your responsibility. Now, I'm here if you need help, but I won't argue with you about finishing it.
o:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:You may be upset, I can see that you're feeling strong emotions, but you cannot speak to your sister that way.
Christie (2):Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah, that's really, really good. It's those things. Validate, again, the, um, autonomy of a person, right? They validate, uh, their personal experiences we're not demeaning. Um. You know,'cause I, I think maybe kind of old school parenting would be like, oh, you have to love your sister. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What his sister did may not make him, you know, feel love right now that you've gotta validate that, that emotion that he's experiencing and give him the freedom to process that. But you're also. Respecting the value of the sister and protecting her heart by having him guard his words a little bit better.
Cherylnew:That's it, right? Have your emotion. Mm-hmm. Let's deal with your emotion, but you can't express it this way.
Christie:Right.
Cherylnew:And I mean, just as a parent looking at this going, oh my goodness. Mm-hmm. Okay. And I just wanna say, by the way, this isn't every single time we have to deal with it. Sure. But what about it? This is the pattern of the way we do life in our family. Right. And I think like the homework one is really hard. Yeah. Because what are the parents gonna be thinking? You delayed. You chose to play late, you didn't get to it. You're starting late. You're gonna have to go to bed. If they don't get their homework finished, then they're gonna get a bad grade. That's why a lot of parents step in. Mm-hmm. And start taking the responsibility. I'm not talking about, they don't understand the homework, but we step in or man, I can remember someone was very close to me and they were really gifted, but they were phlegmatic and delayed things all the time. Mm-hmm. And they could, you know, at nine 30 at night before the stores closed at 10 would say, oh no, I have to do a poster for school. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:And the parent Would jump in the Car and run to the store, buy all the stuff, and let'em go late to school. Like skip first hour, so they could get all that work done. Mm, mm-hmm. I mean. those parents Took responsibility for what was supposed to be their children's responsibility.'cause they didn't want'em to make the bad grade.
Christie:Right. And that's where you've gotta have the courage to let your children fail so that they learn from their own consequences. This is so hard. And you know, even as an adult, I still am a, a last hour person. Like, I like working under pressure. It's just, you know, I can't do that on everything, but I do like, um. Pulling things together at the last minute sometimes. And I now as an adult, understand the consequences of those actions. And we have to offer that to our children. The, the experience of feeling that pain,
Cherylnew:And this is it. This is the hard thing. Mm. We draw boundaries, it feels mean. Mm-hmm. And we have to allow the other person. To take responsibility for their actions. Right. What if we go open into teens? It gets even more complicated.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Because we are releasing them, we're giving them more freedom. We're allowing them a little more, uh, I would say space to express themselves and their emotions. But we still have to draw the line. I understand that you didn't wash your shirt to wear today to go to your meeting. You don't have the right to go take your sister's shirt and wear it.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Okay. Well, mom, what are we gonna do? I don't know.
Cheryl New:you'll have to Figure it out. Mm-hmm. You know, it's a longer conversation it's a little more clear cut when they're younger, but to invade other people's space. Right. When they will not allow anyone to invade their space.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Another thing is the boundaries of the way they leave parts of the house. Uh, for example, I understand you had to rush out, but you left the bathroom a mess. Mm-hmm. And there may be consequences for it, but. If you do that next time, I want you to know your stuff won't be out when you come home and you have to buy it back from here. What, however you're gonna work it out. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But the boundaries, I'm just saying I don't have, all the clear cut wording for teens.'cause it's gonna be, you can't invade other people's space. You can't disrespect their space by leaving it trashed. Um, and. You cannot talk to me that way. Mm-hmm. I'm giving you more
Cheryl New:latitude To express your feelings, but you're now stepping over the line, and if you want to continue talking, you're gonna have to change and show a little more value in your words.
Christie:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:It's just messier.
Christie:Yeah. I think it is messy. I think the flip side is messy too, of knowing. You know, a lot of those addressed protective boundary, like That's right. Protecting your side of the fence of where the boundary goes. But I'm thinking with teens, it may even be more challenging for some parents to not meddle on the teen side of the fence. You're
Cherylnew:exactly
Christie:right.
Cherylnew:Mm-hmm. Can you give some examples of where you would say,
Cheryl New:here's a teen's boundary? Like that last thing? Yeah. About the way they speak to you.
o:Mm-hmm.
Christie (2):Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, I think in that scenario, the, the freedom on their end is that their free to feel that way about the issue. Yeah. Absolute. Sometimes with my teens, I wanted to hash it out until we agreed and saw eye to eye on the issue because we didn't want them to have a boundary. With us. With us, yeah. We wanted to be able to intrude and put our emotions right, and you should just believe the things I believe and agree with me on everything or
Cheryl New:do things my way. Yes. Like I know a mom that's all into the way. She looks uhhuh and curating and hair and all this uhhuh, and she has'em. Oh, I guess a middle to young teen Uhhuh who just doesn't care. Yeah. And she' says don't you wanna do your hair like this? Right. Oh, it looks so cute. And so she is not listening, not valuing actually the way that. One wants to dress.
Christie:Mm-hmm. Put it, yeah. I mean, I remember middle school our, our only rule was everyone showers every night. But you do have to give a lot of that freedom away to your your middle, to older teens. Uh,
Cherylnew:one way that I didn't draw a boundary, um, that I should have is saying something like that. I hear you. I can't talk right now. I'm on a phone call. Mm mm-hmm. And I'll get back to you on that. I. Let my kids intrude so much, whether I was speaking to someone else on the phone. Mm-hmm. Because we used to have this thing where phones were recorded at all. Right. But I was on the phone or something and I didn't draw really good boundaries on that. Right. And what the, the tyranny of the urgent or Yeah. It became their urgent. Yes. Uhhuh. And so I didn't draw a boundary for me. But then the flip side is not walking in and whatever they're doing, feeling I could just walk right in the middle of it and intrude Right. On. Whatever they're doing, it doesn't have value. I have value. Right. And so see, this is that two-way street. Mm-hmm. Where I have to also show them. Respect in their boundaries. Yeah. Boundaries aren't something we teach our children. Boundaries are something we have to live out in front of'em. Mm mm-hmm. You know, it's really caught rather than taught. Right. Because we don't wanna say, and now we're drawing a boundary. Right. We have to live it out.
Christie:Yeah. We had, uh, that in their bedrooms, the way they kept their bedrooms, we would say, you know, I, I told them no food in the bedrooms and I didn't wanna smell anything. And, you know, past that, I let them keep their rooms how they wanted, and I could shut the door and walk away. You know, I didn't have to spend time in there, but as long as it couldn't affect the rest of the house. So, you know, no odors coming from the room. But, um, you know, I maybe didn't appreciate what was on the floor or how they decorated or other choices they made, but that was the freedom I had to give them.
Cheryl New:And, I mean, we could just fill about 20 episodes on how I didn't do boundaries well. Mm-hmm. And I knew someone and I went Wow. Because, uh, a child. It was a teen had come up with something and something came up the last minute and they didn't pay attention to their parents' schedule or what was important to them. And they're going, mom, you have to take me. I've got to go. I wanna go do this. Everybody's getting together. And, and she turned, she said, I'm sorry. I already have things that I'm planning on doing and so I wish you'd come and ask me before, but. you're welcome to arrange with a friend. Mm-hmm. It's not that you can't go. Mm-hmm. But I'm not gonna drop what I'm doing and run off and take you now.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl New:Wow. And then the teen watches and going. You mean you're just doing such and such instead of stopping all that. Mm-hmm. And taking me, I mean, the pushback was pretty strong, but the mom wasn't being unkind. It was saying, you need to value my time. Right. If you let me know, I would've been glad to arrange it. Right. So it's just, it's pretty messy.
Christie:Yeah, it is messy and, and I also think there's something to be said too is that there's a room for just doing the kind thing for, or the the oh, for the fun thing for your kid, you know, just, of course, just being generous if you want to choose that. But the tricky part is asking yourself. What your intentions are. Why, why you're making the choice to bring them their lunch at school? Yes. Or drive them to the friends, you know, when they're needing something that feels urgent. Are you doing it out of obligation? There we go. That's, that's really it. Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:That or guilt, the guilt. The thing about, oh, mom, quick take me when I'm, I'm in the middle of something. Yeah. Okay. And then stop and think about it. For example, locking your keys in the car. Running outta gas, but I had someone that chronically did it.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:And I finally decided, no, it's not appropriate for me to crash my day. Mm-hmm. And run across town simply because they were being careless about it. Right. And so that was a boundary. Except for the grace of sometimes, yeah, sure. Let me come and help you. But this is why it is, it's nuanced. What's, what am I responsible for and what am not? Mm-hmm. And I can choose. I want to be kind and I want to help you out. That's very different from what you said, the obligation. Right. And that nice parents do this and nice kids do that. Right. That's not the point. The point is the value of each of us and where we need to draw that invisible line of. What I'm taking responsibility and ownership of and what I think you need to now.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cherylnew:Okay, so we just bounced all
Cheryl New:Around, but I think one of the things we've shown through this is it's, Not one size fits all. It's different things for different people, but the why is the crucial difference.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Christie, we've kind of set some groundwork here, we want our children to understand boundaries better than we understand it now. Mm-hmm. And then we practice them out in the family. So how about if we come back and spend some time looking at that? Yeah. That sounds great. Oh, good. Because. What we wanted to do is to become normative in our family, that we show value and that we're actually practicing boundaries. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't that be amazing?
Christie:Yeah. I
Cherylnew:mean,
Christie:it, it would help all relationships in adult lives, for sure. It sure would. Hey,
Cherylnew:thanks so much. Glad to be here. Okay, parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Speaker 2:Parents, I'm just gonna say it again. Healthy boundaries. Make healthy relationships. Remember, there are not walls that push people away, but guardrails that give us freedom to love. Well, every time we let our child carry what's theirs. Say no to guilt or name our feelings. Honestly, we're building strength into our family. So this week, pause and ask yourself, am I carrying something that really belongs to my child or am I stepping into what's theirs to hold? These small choices shape the atmosphere of our homes. I'd love to hear how you're putting this into practice. Reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com. Or connect with us on our website or social media and don't miss next time as we keep unpacking how boundaries help kids and parents grow. Until then, keep loving, keep persevering, and keep building a family that flourishes.
