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The Parenting Podcast
The Parenting Podcast
Start Parenting the Outcome, Not the Outburst (Boundaries 3) | Ep. 184
We’re talking about the kind of boundaries that make home more connected: clear lines, calm voices, and letting outcomes do the teaching. From toddlers to teens—and for us as parents, too—if you’ve felt stuck between rescuing and resentment, this conversation offers a gentler way forward without losing closeness
Some truths. Don't click until real life presses on them. Lately I'm seeing how boundaries aren't about control. They the edges that let love stay close. Today on the Parenting podcast, Christie and I are diving into two anchors. That change family life responsibility, who carries what, and sowing and reaping how choices grow outcomes. We'll walk it from littles to teens with simple language that you can try tonight and we'll talk honestly about the hard part for us as parents stepping out of rescuing. And into calm, consistent guidance. I'm Cheryl Lang. Grab a breath and join us.
Christie (2):Cheryl. Happy birthday. Not your birthday. No to TPP, but t p's birthday. We just passed four years that we've been doing this. Can you believe it? Isn't it fun? I just, it has been fun.
Cheryl New (2):I can't believe it. We're approaching 200 episodes
Christie:That's amazing. We've
Cheryl:had tens
Christie:of thousands of downloads. Oh my goodness. I just think back at all the different eras of PPP. Yeah. There we are, the eras and it's, you know, thinking back at our guests that we've had and different hosts that we've had, and topics we've talked about, and, um, encouragement we've received from listeners to keep going and how we've
Cheryl:been impacted. Mm-hmm. You know, and. Like you say, the eras. Where we are today and what we've learned and how we know better to communicate with our audience. This is where I wanted to be four years ago. Mm-hmm.
Christie:Yeah. Something about that process. Right. You know, that old
Cheryl:process that, that hard thing called experience.
Christie (2):Yeah. Well, and you know, like you said, we're growing as we do this. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm sure, I haven't gone back and listened in a while, but I'm sure if we went and listened to an earlier episode, we. It'd be pretty cringey. Oh, cringey is the word I was thinking
Cheryl:too, you know? But we didn't do it for us or to build a reputation. We just had this heart and we felt called to want to communicate the kinds of things we do through tPP and it's been a great ride. I'm sure enjoying it. It really is so much fun. It sure is. And hey listeners, thank you so much for being there. You are the reason we do this and thank you. Keep coming back.
Cheryl New (2):Mm-hmm.
Christie (2):Yeah.
Cheryl New (2):So, we've Been preparing to do this book study conversation mm-hmm. On boundaries with kids because we want boundaries to be the lifestyle for our family, not just something we do. Right. You know, for example, if you're a person of faith, you don't want it to be something we do. You want it to be something that permeates your whole lifestyle. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Doctors Townsend and Cloud have set 10 laws of boundaries that we want to teach our children. so I thought if we looked at these, um, 10 principles,'cause it says law, but Christie's law sounds legalistic. Mm-hmm. And like, don't go over 35 miles an hour. Right. But in this case, what they mean by laws is they believe in boundaries so much and they've convinced me whether you acknowledge or not. The law exists and you will reap benefits or suffer consequences mm-hmm. On how you treat it. For example, if you don't believe in the law of gravity and you jump off your roof, okay, you're gonna figure it out. You're gonna figure it out. And so what we wanna do is. Acknowledge what the principles, are, talk about'em, apply'em. So not only do we understand what they are,, but we can begin to actually use them in our families. Okay.
Christie:That's really helpful? You know, when, when we talk about boundaries, We do often just think rules or Yeah. Things to do or not to do, and where you draw the line. So that, that's, that perspective is really helpful.
Cheryl New:Yeah. Because this is relationships. Mm-hmm. Okay. So our mantra that. We're gonna say is healthy boundaries. Make healthy families Yeah. We've already done a couple Introductory episodes, but I just keep seeing it work in my life. Mm-hmm. And in other people's lives and. The reason I did not do boundaries, I didn't understand that it was a law. Mm-hmm. And if I violated it, I have to pay the fine. Right. And then the other thing is, is it looked to me like it separated instead of realizing the healthiness of it helps us to grow closer and healthier. Mm-hmm. And actually to love people better.
Christie:Right. That's what I was thinking is it's actually a way to love our children, love the other people in our lives, in our relationships not to, um. Be harsh or, or punishing them for something. Absolutely not. In
Cheryl New:fact, if, for example, if we didn't teach our children about the law of gravity, that would be harsh. Mm-hmm. But we teach them the law of gravity for their protection and because we love them. And I think it's the same thing with the law of boundaries. Hmm.
Christie:So. Okay, so these laws, Cheryl, what are some of the first principles or laws that we should talk about in this book?
Cheryl New:Okay, so we're not gonna do all 10 and we'll combine some. Okay. So the first two we're gonna talk about are the law of sowing and reaping. Mm-hmm. And the law of responsibility. Okay. So sowing and reaping is an agricultural term.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:If you could go see my front garden right now, even here already in the beginning of the fall.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:I have zinnias and they are gorgeous to die for
Christie:the pictures you sent me, they could be like a, a calendar, I mean, I know. Or a screensaver or something.
Cheryl New:They are so beautiful. And yesterday I saw. Um, my first monarch, and today I saw my first hummingbird aw. Okay. So I've practiced the law of sowing and reaping.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Because I sowed these great seeds. zinnia seeds. Mm-hmm. I'm reaping this reward of exactly what I wanted outta my zinnias. Mm-hmm. Everybody would understand that if they saw me planting tomato seeds. and I was frustrated that I got zinnias. Or vice versa. Right. Okay. Everybody say You're so foolish. And we understand sowing
Cheryl New (2):and reaping in a garden, but Christie, we don't always practice in our lives. Right. You know, I mean, how many times did I know I had a test coming or I had an assignment in school? Mm-hmm. And I didn't prepare for it, and then I was really upset that I didn't do well. Right. Or didn't get a good grade. Right. That's the law of sowing and re cause and effect. It. It's cause and effect, but it's the sowing what you sow, that's what you get. right? And that's a, foundational principle. And then the second one is what they call the law of responsibility. That each person is responsible for their own feelings. Attitudes and behavior. Hmm. This is the, this is me, this is not me. Mm-hmm. And we've talked about it previously, but both of these work together. Um, I think like introducing it to a family to begin to understand it. like The law of responsibility, if we could have that circle and we say, this is inside my circle, this is outside my circle. Mm-hmm. And with little ones you, if you're really trying to kind of show them, have a hula hoop and go, look, this is inside. Step into your hula. Now you're in. Mm-hmm. What you own, what you have to take responsibility for. Whoops. You stepped out and you could just reinforce it by physical circle But it helps me visually to think, um. Am I responsible for this or not? And so I have to have a boundary of where the line is between what I'm responsible for and what everybody else is. Mm-hmm. And it's not just work because a lot of this, when I used to think about this, I thought this was like. Doing and not doing right. Like
Christie:chores or, that's what I'm thinking of. I remember even my littlest kid saying, that's not my chore area. Exactly. Because we have these
Cheryl New:boundary lines and that is an application Uhhuh we've talked about you leave your lunch at home, an older child, then let them feel the burn of their choices rather than always fixing it so they don't learn to be responsible for what's inside. Right. Their circle. Uhhuh, um, so what I want us to do is expand it, that we're not mostly talking about what we do and don't do in the physical world mm-hmm. Take care of our car mm-hmm. And take care of that. But in the relationships we have with one another, what we wanna do is have healthy boundaries,
Cheryl New (2):by applying sowing And Reaping. Take responsibility of how I should in my relationship with you and others, but let's just use between the two of us. Because. Christie, every choice has a result. That's the way God designed life to work.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Um, like my zinnias. Okay. And the problem is if we're not doing it well and we don't understand it as parents, then we're not gonna be able to connect the dots for our children. Mm-hmm. And I know every one of us right now. Could think of an adult that we know, full grown adult that has not understood what I sow I'm going to reap right now. They may have had the consequences, but they may not ever connected the dots.
o:Mm-hmm. You know,
Cheryl New:irresponsibility. Early on in life and now they're paying consequences. Right. And so what we wanna do for our children is help Connect the dots so that they have these great guardrails mm-hmm. In their relationships with other people, with what's mine to own and what isn't. And then as they get older, we connect fewer dots, but we continue to work with our children. Yeah. Does that make
Christie:sense? It does. And I'm also thinking it, it's just as important our, our tone in setting these boundaries, especially in this area. Um, you know, it's sometimes tempting. Think or say, well, what did you expect? You know, you did this. Of course you're gonna get that and to be kind of snarky about it. But we have to come at this with words of compassion. And even though we're setting a boundary, we are, um, remembering that this is our kids' first time through life. As it is ours and that we're we're, um, patient with them with the consequences.
Cheryl New:You're exactly right. This is not at all meant to be harsh mm-hmm. In any way. this is a loving thing to do. I mean, setting those guardrails is so loving and trying to help our children, our family, to have healthy relationships. Mm-hmm. This is amazing. And it takes healthy boundaries, right? So snarky is not in here in anyway.
Christie:Yeah. Nor is the other extreme because it, it's so tempting to just wanna swoop in and fix the problem and take control and help them out in places that. Are not your responsibility.
Cheryl New:That's right. That's why we have to be discerning. Mm-hmm. That's why we want parents to grasp it so they can begin operating in a way that will bless the kids. Because children naturally want freedom without responsibility. I mean, who doesn't? Right? But children are born that way, and so everybody understands a little bit. Maybe you have to pick up your blocks, you know? But as it gets older. You know what teenager doesn't want a car and a credit card with no responsibility. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But that's irresponsible right? In the area of finance, uhhuh, um, and what I'm saying, I agree with them. It's irresponsible if we allow that in relationships
Christie:as well as objects, right? Yeah. Because it's all. Crafting their character. Mm-hmm. Because that's an entitlement issue. That's a heart issue. It's not about the car and the credit card. Exactly. It's about their hearts and their expectations of us and what they are, um, gaining from our relationship in that situation is more entitlement rather than
Cheryl New (2):relationship. That's exactly right. And again, in this entitlement in a relationship that I can treat you any way I want. to speak to you any way I want. Mm-hmm. And I should not have to pay consequences.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:In any way. And that's just in relationships, right? No entitlement, right. This is me, this is not me, and I need to draw a healthy boundary. If you're gonna talk to me or treat me that way. Right.
Christie:And if that's the seed we're sowing at a young age, it's just going to be what we reap more of in their older ages. Well said, um, so what are some examples at different, different ages that we see these principles played out?
Cheryl New (2):And again, like we always do on here, talk about. How I did it wrong, right. You know, and so my mistake a lot of times was thinking. I was being loving by stepping in and rescuing. Mm-hmm. And I felt bad, like I was a mean person. Yeah. If I didn't rescue them, in fact, right now, um, in some relationships in my life, oh. I'm choosing to draw boundaries. Mm-hmm. And I feel the tug that I'm being mean rather than loving. Right. To not come in and rescue. Right. But now i Wanna say the kind of thing, I'm here with you, but this is still yours to carry. Yeah. Mm. Mm-hmm. You know, I'm sorry, that's hard for you.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:But I'm not gonna pick it up for you. Okay. So let's look at some examples. You think of littles. Um, they're not very self-regulated with their emotions and their words. And so without. Any correction, they will run rampant over everybody. And we all know little ones that do.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New (2):And with little ones, a lot of times it's the practical stuff. We're beginning to set boundaries with objects. So if you're gonna play with your blocks, you have to put'em up. Mm-hmm. And that we come back to it. And no, you don't get to go eat your dessert. You didn't pick up your blocks. You must pick up your blocks first. saying it one time to a 3-year-old is not enough. it's gonna have to become a lifestyle Yeah. And so one of the things to do is for example, saying if you'll speak to me with kind words. I'll answer you.
Christie:Mm-hmm. I'll help you You're encouraging the behavior you wanna see.
Cheryl New:That's right.
Christie:And withholding a little bit on the, the behaviors. You don't
Cheryl New (2):Where you continue to do it so they realize, ugh, I'm gonna have to speak in a modulated tone. And we're not talking about a 3-year-old acting like a 30-year-old. Mm-hmm. They can't scream and demand and tell me what I'm supposed to do and then I jump to it. Mm-hmm. We've all seen that in action and it's an easy mistake to make because it's a lot easier to give them the cookie when they scream at you for it. Right. Because they wanted another cookie than it is to say, we're gonna speak in kind tones and I'm not going to respond when you talk like that. Mm-hmm. Again, we're making our life. In the short run a little harder. Mm-hmm. Because we're gonna have to follow through with it. But in the long run, look at the gift we're giving our children
Christie:because when they're little, they're such concrete thinkers. Yeah. They may not be grasping the value and worth of their mother or the character that's being built in them. Yeah. So this, these are still the training years of just. Developing good habits that we point back to later. Right?
Cheryl New:And it would be the same just as they go up the ladder. The thing now would be, as you begin to help them understand, and all of it is training that you train them and talk about what their responsibility is, Uhhuh, what their
Cheryl New (2):circle
Cheryl New:is. For example, particularly school assignments. I think a lot of parents don't follow through with boundaries. on school assignments Mm. Because they care too much about the grades that kids gonna get. Mm-hmm. Right.
o:Mm-hmm. So
Cheryl New:they're too invested in the academic performance to draw the circle and say. I'm not gonna run out at nine o'clock at night and get your stuff for your,. Project. I told you I was available this morning and I'm not tonight. Mm-hmm. And so again, those are practical areas, but it changes from the little ones. Still. You require, the way we treat each other is
Cheryl New (2):with value. But we move up the ladder they're gonna take on increasingly more responsibilities and we're not gonna step in and rescue them. Right. So it gets harder but different.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New (2):Okay. And then teen years,
Christie (2):which we have full episodes on here on this podcast.
Cheryl New (2):It is more complicated. there are just a lot of areas, this is why we have to be discerning, know our kids well.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New (2):And. Not come down heavy but again, we talk about what's their area of responsibility, how you're not going to step in. Mm-hmm. And one of the main boundaries we must do with our teens is the way they treat others in the house. And me as a parent with their tones and the words and the attitude with which they. Treat us right and stopping that this is a boundary. Mm-hmm. And I'm really thankful I got enough of this teaching towards the end of having teens in the home. and young adults. and there were times where Christie, I actually did it where I said, the way you're speaking to me is not acceptable.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New (2):And this conversation's gonna end unless you change Your tone Mm-hmm. And then it's in their court and they could choose to continue. But I was ready to walk away and there were a couple of times, I actually walked away.
Christie:Yeah.
Cheryl New:And then they followed me down the hall and I said, no. I said, I'm walking away.
Christie:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Maybe in the future we'll pick this back up. Right. It was very effective. And I wish I'd done it all their lives. Mm-hmm. But I actually did it a little bit and it was hard.
Christie:Well, that's what I was just thinking, is I, you know, I may have gotten a few accidental boundaries Right. In the early years. Yeah. Um, but certainly if anyone's listening and they're in the teen years and they're realizing now how few boundaries they actually have. Yeah, and that was me. You know, once mine started hitting teen years, I started really feeling the reaping of what I had sown Yeah.
Cheryl New:Yeah. And the wonderful thing about it, it's always a new day. Yeah. You know, and we, we don't want to make radical, harsh changes, but we can make radical changes. Mm-hmm. We can start having these kind of conversations in homes, all of us. Yeah. And I've done it with my kids, I've said. I'm really sorry. I did not do boundaries well. Mm-hmm. And I'm sorry I didn't teach you how to do it. We didn't do conflict resolution, which is boundaries. And I
Cheryl New (2):honestly said, I'm really sorry, but I want that to change. Mm-hmm. I don't want that to be the way we continue in our relationships with each other. Yeah. And you know, now it's not the practical stuff so much, it is just how we talk, how we. treat each other, what we expect of someone else.
Christie:Right. And
Cheryl New:so one of the benefits of this is expectations. Mm-hmm. This kind of gets it out on the table of expectations of what I can expect from you and mm-hmm. Like a teenager, what they can
Cheryl New (2):expect of us! You know, for example, um, if you give them. The responsibility to get themselves up and get themselves off to school or to work, or to football practice or whatever it is. Mm-hmm. And you have clearly said that's in your area, that's your circle to be responsible for. Then you don't step in and wake'em up. Mm-hmm. And you don't. Throw their books together. We don't step in and rescue'em. Not because we're being unkind Christie, but because we're trying to teach them what you sow, you're gonna reap. Right. And that there's a law of responsibility. You're responsible for this. I want to help you know what we responsibility feels like. Mm-hmm. Because like we say all the time, I want them to learn the pain and the burn of that in my home so that at least they know. Wow. This is what, not being responsible feels like. Oh, there's a burn to it, not a rescue.
Christie:Right.
Cheryl New:I mean, there's grace. We always say there's grace. Sure. But there's a general pattern in our home.
Christie:Right. Well, yeah, and especially in those later teen years, you are at your very last. Thread Yes. Of being able to, um, model what you want your relationship to look like in their adult years, and so you're really finalizing how we're going to treat each other as peers here in a few years, once you've left the home. Yes. And I want b healthy boundaries mm-hmm. To keep our relationship healthy, which means we also have to have that in our other relationships because our, our teens and children are watching. So, I mean, just thinking about that, how, how can we model this for our kids? They're watching us. It's caught rather than taught, we've said here on the podcast Sure is. so how can we show them this is what healthy relationships look like?
Cheryl New:And the truth is,, there's no perfection. This is a long lifetime working. Sure. Towards process. Mm-hmm.
o:Um.
Cheryl New:How hypocritical if me saying to my children, oh, boundaries bound here, heres' your responsibility. Oh, that's hard. I'm sorry. Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New (2):And we're doing it to them and we are not doing it right. So, um, it might be, um, when we're doing it right, that. We have a trip tomorrow, so I'm gonna go somewhere early in the morning. So I give myself margin tonight to go out and get the gas so we're not rushed and cramped in the morning. Mm mm-hmm. So that I'm doing what I'm telling my teen they have to do, or that also parents have to follow the same rules of the way we treat people, even when I'm tired. Mm. So even I'm tired, I have to choose to talk to people with respect and honor their boundaries of treating them with value.
o:Mm-hmm.
Cheryl New:Makes sense. Yeah. And then they're the ones where we don't do it so well let's say. We didn't get out early and do all that. Okay. And so instead of owning it, I go, well, I just didn't leave early enough and dah, dah, dah. And we come up with an excuse Mm. Rather than saying, wow, I made a mistake and I didn't prepare ahead of time. I'm getting us off late'cause I didn't go get, the gas last night and we own where we didn't take responsibility, right. Or, um. Grumbling and complaining and talking about the government or the bank about fees that are maybe, I mean, it's a small thing. Mm-hmm. But fees that were imposed because a check bounced or I didn't pay my taxes on time instead of it. Admitting, uh, I did not get that in on time. I didn't follow through. Right. And now I have to pay the fee. Right. See, that's a boundary, not, not
Christie:passing the buck. Exactly.
Cheryl New:Mm-hmm. Not passing the buck That's the law of responsibility. Right. And own up to it in front of your children. Right. Because remember Christie, they're watching us and listening all the time. Yeah. And they're just a cloud of witnesses around us all the time. Like we're in the middle of the stadium and there's all of them watching all the time. The little tiny things. So where they can see, wow. Look at
Cheryl New (2):how my parents are handling it.
Christie:Right. Well, and like you started off saying at the beginning of the episode, um, that this is something we want to be, we want to have in our being, our core values for ourselves. You know, I think about the definition we gave our kids of integrity was being the same person, when nobody's looking Right. That's what we want, because we think just with our kids around. Quote unquote, nobody's looking, but our kids are watching who we really are when, when strangers aren't around. Exactly right.
Cheryl New:And so that kind of covers these two first principles. Mm-hmm. But they're foundational and all the rest of them build on of these. So
Christie:good. I just wanna encourage everyone to just get the book and go ahead. Yeah. And, um, read along with us while we're discussing this.
Cheryl New:Yes. So, doctors Townsend Cloud have everything you could possibly want, um, but get one, listen and follow along with us or. Maybe have a group of other parents and say, Hey, this is really hard for me. Let's meet over coffee and figure out how we can do it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's great stuff. Hey, thanks again. Appreciate it. Glad to be here. So parents, remember, hang in there. Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
Cheryl New (2):Before the day gets loud, take a moment with me. Pick one small place to draw a kind line. Say it simply, I'm with you and this part is yours to carry. Then let the next outcome do the teaching while you stay steady and respectful. If you catch yourself rescuing, that's okay. Name it, repair. And try again. Notice the small wins. A calmer tone, one less reminder, a child taking a tiny step towards ownership. Those little shifts add up. If you want more encouragement or want to share what you're trying at home, reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us on the site or socials. We'll keep learning this together. One kind boundary at a time. Until next time.
